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Happy new year guys
Posted a year agoI have never been very good at communication and reply. I have done a lot of foolish things this year. Thank you for tolerating me and continuing to follow me. I hope there will be many very strange and pornographic ideas for me to draw this year. Happy New Year!
After all this time, I thought my mood would be better
Posted 2 years agoBut no, drawing still causes me a lot of pain
I hate my paintings, I hate myself
Haha fuck, Painting has become an insurmountable psychological barrier for me.
I hate my paintings, I hate myself
Haha fuck, Painting has become an insurmountable psychological barrier for me.
I haven't drawn for a long time
Posted 3 years agoMy old fans should know that I often do not update for several months, but this time it is different
I don't know whether I have mentioned that I have suffered from depression. I have suffered from serious cyber violence because of this. It's easy for me to fail to figure out something. I often can't accept myself and my ability. I will be extremely paranoid and compare me with others
I often suffer from my poor painting ability and can't extricate myself from it. At least I think it's ugly and bad
It started last month when my FA account was banned because one of my anime works was reported and identified as "fetal pornography". If you remember, it was an anime that was spawned in the abdomen and parasites grew in a transparent stomach. I was banned for a whole week because of that anime, and that was just an opportunity for my current low tide
Where should we start
My earliest Internet record began in 2011. I began to share my paintings when I first went online. Before that, I started painting in the first grade of primary school and showed some talents. I think I have been painting for at least 14 years, but to be honest, the period of painting children's paintings can be ignored. Let's take it as a decade
I have been painting for ten years, and I finally begin to understand that my ability has reached the end
I used to draw hundreds of pages of notebooks, several of them. In class and at night, I secretly drew pictures. I would post my pictures online and accept criticism modestly. I liked to draw some coherent short comics. At that time, I was full of creative desire and expression desire. Although the paintings were ordinary, I really painted, updated and published frequently
But my paintings have never got the "boutique" logo in the forum. You know, the reason is that I painted
It sucks
But at that time, I was very happy painting. I didn't care. As long as I could continue to paint, I would be very happy. Even though my parents were very disgusted with my painting, they hoped that I would give up these behaviors that wasted time and would not help my study. My family was very poor, so I didn't have the opportunity to enter the formal art learning path in the end
Slowly, I began to feel the gap
I don't know when it started. I think people around me have started to grow rapidly. They are getting better and better, and their paintings are getting better and better. While I am just walking in the same place, there is little growth. When they began to draw some very beautiful, three-dimensional muscle blocks, I was still drawing some plush people with long and thin hands and feet. I understand that I am behind, but I did not leave my paintings behind, I still paint every day. I even used the computer my uncle gave me to try to draw pixel paintings, because the computer was so bad that it was difficult to draw anything else
But I'm still lagging behind
I began to compare others with me. I began to try to learn the advantages of others, but I was still very poor. Even though I tried so hard to compare, I still could not understand the profound human structure and three-dimensional sense in their paintings. I began to get frustrated, but I continued to paint, but I abandoned the paper and pen. I went to high school. I began to use computers to paint. That was the time when I painted most. I painted all day and all night, A lot of paintings, a lot of
But this is me, a fool. I have made some progress, but compared with other people, they are also growing. Many years later, some people I know on the forum have been drawing original pictures for the game company. Let's see what I am drawing. More detailed plush people with slender hands and feet
I began to feel powerless and painful. I could not catch up with others and draw good works like them, which made me feel guilty and self reproach. I left professionals alone. Even amateurs at the same time, I was far behind
But everything went downhill from that
I have a friend. I'm sure he can't paint. He once painted for me. Although he worked hard, he was really bad. He "used to" be my best friend
One day, he disappeared for three months without any news or contact. When he reappeared, I noticed that he painted a lot of beautiful muscles. He might have taken some classes or something, but everyone liked the new paintings he brought
You can't imagine how much this shocked me
It suddenly dawned on me that all my efforts over the years were actually behind closed doors, worthless, useless and ridiculous. I was severely beaten by a newcomer who had been trained for three months. I lost a lot. I finally understood the meaning of talent. Maybe it wasn't talent, but I was stupid. I shouldn't try and waste time to do a career I couldn't do
After that, I deliberately snubbed him. After that, we didn't have any contact. In fact, I regret it now, but it's meaningless
After I was diagnosed with depression, my painful thoughts became more and more profound. I could not bear my own skills or look directly at others' paintings. When I saw a painting, I would subconsciously compare it with my own, but I could not draw it anyway
Later one time, I publicly accepted the entrustment. At that time, I felt that my painting was not bad. I only needed 30 yuan (about $4) to draw a pixel painting
However, no one cares. After that, I vowed that I would never, never accept any CM
In the following years, too many things happened. I made changed, which was another turning point in my life. My painting ability finally... had a sad effect
Maybe drawing animation will be a good direction. I don't have much complicated learning. I just watched a few videos and began to draw animation. I admit, now it seems that some of the early changed animations are stupid, and the current ones are also stupid. After all, everyone is drawing animation now. Haha, I'm nothing at all, and I've been surpassed again
In recent years, I draw fewer and fewer single pictures. Animation takes up a larger part. My single pictures have no characteristics and are not beautiful, far less than the paintings of those I really admire. My subject matter has become more and more strange. I have even accumulated some fans. My games and animation are not exquisite, but I have definitely paid all my efforts and skills, I have also used some new techniques and painting methods. You may see from the picture number that I have a little understanding of the picture, and I have made some progress
Until that day, just last month... I went to an anti furry forum. I just went to see their comments on the game. I shouldn't have done that. I knew it was stupid. I knew I would see some very mean remarks. Where did they wantonly laugh at my paintings, my content, and all my efforts, as if I had made some mistakes? Most importantly, my heart agreed with their insults
...
I couldn't get out of it for many days. My depression may have broken out. Soon, my FA was banned again. This is probably the last straw that killed the camel
I'm sure that I can't understand those profound painting methods, remember those trunks, and know how to draw stereoscopic sense. In short, I don't know anything. When everyone is born, the weight and capacity of his brain are different. Although the learning after tomorrow will affect a lot, I think there are various differences in people's abilities. Some people can become masters if they learn a little, although they can't draw, Some people may not have talent, but their learning ability is strong enough to become great painters
I, on the other hand, am a very unlucky person who has no talent, can't learn, likes painting, and wants to continue painting
I don't know if you know about the survivor bias. You think painting is a very simple thing. After learning, everyone becomes an excellent painter. But in fact, there are more, very many people who have failed. They are the real majority of people. They can neither draw nor publish, but they have tried hard, but no one knows, After all, they have no ability to publish anything to let you know his efforts
If I didn't make changed, I would also be that kind of person. I would become a staff member or a waiter after I left college. I would never touch painting again
I still can't walk out. I pick up the brush these days, and I will feel a surge of anger towards myself. For the first time, I began to have some self mutilation feelings. I cried many times. I understand that it is time to choose whether to continue all this or give up. However I choose, I will continue to paint the remaining changed game materials, which is the crystallization of my life, no matter how painful, I also want to finish this game, so don't worry about my emotions affecting my game project
But after that, maybe it's really time to give up and end my pain. This is my ability. All my abilities, my efforts for so many years, are just the butt of others' jokes. I spent so much time and energy creating free animation after making games, but also some strange things that will be reported. I know you love me and my creations, and I know most people still appreciate me, But I can't accept myself
I need psychological guidance, but I may give up directly
Every man has his own destiny
我的老粉丝们应该知道，我本来就经常突然好几个月都不更新，但是这次不太一样
我不知道我是否提到过我曾患有抑郁症，我曾经因为这个遭受了严重的网络暴力，我很容易无法想通某些事，我经常无法接受自己、接受自己的能力，我会极端偏执的将我与其他人比较
我经常会因为我低下的绘画能力而深陷痛苦，无法自拔，至少我自己认为那是不堪入目、糟糕的
事情起源于上个月，我的FA账号被封禁了，原因是我的其中一幅动画作品被举报，并且被认定为是“胎儿色情”，如果你们还记得的话，那是一个被在腹部产卵，然后寄生虫在透明的肚子里生长的动画，我因为那个动画被封禁了一整周，而那件事只是我现在低潮的契机
这一切该从哪里说起呢
我最早的互联网记录是从2011年开始的，我刚开始上网时就开始分享自己的画作，那之前，我在小学一年级时就开始画画，并且展现出一些才能，我想我至今已经有至少14年绘画的历程，不过老实说，画儿童画的那段时期可以忽略，那就当做是十年吧
我已经画了十年了，我终于开始明白，我的能力已经到达了尽头
我也曾经画满了几百页的笔记本，好几本，在课堂上、晚上，偷偷的画画，我会把我的画发到网上，虚心的接受批评，我很喜欢绘制一些连贯的短漫画，那时候的我充满了创作欲望与表达欲望，虽然画的一般，但是我真的非常频繁的画画、频繁的更新、频繁的发表
但是我的画在论坛里从来都没有得到过“精品”标志，你知道的，原因就是我画的
很 烂
不过那时候很画画开心，我并不在意，我只要能继续画画，我就会很开心，即使我的父母很反感我画画，他们希望我放弃这些浪费时间、不会对学习有所帮助的行为，我的家境很差，所以我最终也没有机会去进入正规的美术学习的道路
慢慢的，我就开始感受到了差距
不知道是从什么时候开始，我觉得我身边的人们都开始快速的成长起来，他们都变得越来越棒，画的越来越好，而我就在原地踏步，很少有成长，他们开始绘制一些非常漂亮的、富有立体感的肌肉块时，我还是在画一些手脚细长的毛绒绒人，我明白我落后了，但是我并没有落下我的绘画，我还是每天都在画，我甚至用叔叔送给我的电脑开始尝试绘制像素画，因为那个电脑实在太差劲了，甚至很难画些别的
但是我还是很落后
我开始拿别人与我对比，我开始尝试学习他人的优点，但是我还是很差，即使我那么努力的对比，我也还是无法理解他们画中深奥的人体构造与立体感，我开始变得沮丧，但是我还是在继续画画，但我抛弃了纸笔，我升上了高中，我开始使用电脑作画，那是我画画最多的时期，我没日没夜的画画，画了很多，很多...
但是这就是我，一个笨蛋，我有了些长进，但对比其他人来说，他们也在成长，很多年之后，我在论坛上面认识的一些人已经在为游戏公司绘制原画了，看看我在画什么吧，更加细致的手脚细长的毛绒绒人
我开始感到一些无力，感到一些痛苦，我无法追上其他人，无法画出像他们那么好的作品，这让我很内疚、自责，抛去专业人士不谈，即使是同时期的业余者，我也远远赶不上了
但是一切都从那件事开始急转直下
我有一个朋友，我可以肯定他是不会画画的，他曾经为我画过画，虽然很努力，但确实很差，他“曾经”是我很要好的朋友
有天，他消失了整整三个月，没有任何消息，没有联络，当他再出现时，我注意到他画了很多漂亮的肌肉，他可能去参加了什么学习班或者之类的，但他带来的新画，大家都很喜欢
你想象不到这件事对我的震撼有多大
我突然明白了我这么多年的努力其实都是闭门造车、不值一提、无用、可笑的，我被一个培训了三个月的新人狠狠的比了下去，我输得一塌糊涂，我终于明白了天赋的含义，或许不是天赋，只是我蠢，不该尝试、浪费时间做一个我不可能做到的事业
那之后我故意冷落了他，再之后我们没有了任何联系，我实际上现在很后悔，但已经没有意义了
我被确诊抑郁之后，痛苦的想法越来越深刻，我无法忍耐我自己的技巧，无法直视他人的画作，当我看到一幅画我就会下意识与我自己比较，但我就是无论如何都画不出来
后来有一次，我公开接受委托，那时候的我，我觉得画的并不算差，我只需要30人民币（大概4美元）就可以绘制一张像素画
但是，没有人，没有人在乎，那之后，我发誓，我绝不、永不再接受任何CM
那之后的几年发生了太多的事情，我制作了changed，那是我人生中的另一个转折点，我的绘画能力终于…有了一点可悲的作用
或许绘制动画会是个好的方向，我没有多复杂的学习，只是看了几个视频就开始绘制动画了，我承认，现在看来，早期changed的一些动画，画的很蠢，现在的也蠢，毕竟现在大家也都在画动画了，哈哈，我根本算不上什么，我又一次的被超越了
我近些年越来越少绘制单图了，动画占了更大的部分，我的单图没什么特色，也并不好看，远不及我真正崇拜的那些人的画，我的题材也开始变得越来越古怪，我甚至因此积攒起来了一些粉丝，我的游戏与动画，虽然谈不上精致，但我绝对付出了所有的努力与技巧，我在changed中绘制的一些图片，也使用了一些新的技巧与画法，你或许可以从图片的编号来看，我稍微有了一点对画面的理解，我稍微进步了一些
直到那天，就在上个月...我去了一个反furry论坛，我只是去看看他们对游戏的评价，我不该那么做的，我知道这行为很愚蠢，我知道我会看到一些非常刻薄的言论，在哪里，他们肆意的嘲笑我的画，还有我画的内容，嘲笑我的所有努力，就好像我犯了什么错一样，最重要的是，我的内心赞同他们的侮辱
...
我好多天都无法从中挣扎出来，我的抑郁可能发作了，很快，我的FA又被封禁了，这大概就是压死骆驼最后的稻草了
我可以肯定，我无法理解那些高深的画法，无法记住那些躯干，不知道怎么去绘制立体感，总之，我什么都不知道，每个人生下来时，大脑的重量与容量就不同，虽然后天的学习会影响很多，但我觉得人的能力都有各种各样的差异，有的人虽然不会画画，但是只要稍微学习，就能成为大师，有的人可能没有天赋，但他的学习能力够强，一样可以成为伟大的画家
而我，就恰好是一个很倒霉的，没有天赋，不会学习，又喜欢画画，想继续画画的倒霉蛋
我不知道你们知不知道幸存者偏差，你觉得好像画画是很简单的事情，大家学习了之后都成为了优秀的画家，但是实际上，那些失败了的人更多，非常多，他们才是真正的大多数人，他们不会画画，也不会发表出来，但他们也努力过了，只是已经没有人知道了，毕竟他们没有能力发表什么东西能让你知道他曾经的努力
如果我没有制作changed，我也将会是那样的人，我会在离开大学之后成为一个职员，或者服务生什么之类的，永远不会再接触画画了
我仍然无法走出来，这几天我拿起画笔，就会感受到一股我对我自己的愤怒，我第一次的，开始有一些自残情绪，我痛哭了很多次，我明白，要么继续这一切，要么放弃，是时候选择了，但是无论我怎么选，我都还是要继续画完剩下的changed游戏素材，那是我一生的结晶，无论多么痛苦，我也要完成这部游戏，所以别担心我的情绪会影响我的游戏工程
但在那完成之后，或许就真的该放弃了，终结我的痛苦吧，这就是我的能力了，我全部的能力，我这么多年的努力，不过是别人的笑柄，我花了那么多时间与精力，在制作游戏之余创作的免费动画，也不过是些会被举报的怪东西，我知道你们爱我，爱我的创作，我知道大部分人还是欣赏我的，但我自己却无法接受我自己
我需要心理辅导，但也可能会直接放弃
人各有命，皆不相同
I don't know whether I have mentioned that I have suffered from depression. I have suffered from serious cyber violence because of this. It's easy for me to fail to figure out something. I often can't accept myself and my ability. I will be extremely paranoid and compare me with others
I often suffer from my poor painting ability and can't extricate myself from it. At least I think it's ugly and bad
It started last month when my FA account was banned because one of my anime works was reported and identified as "fetal pornography". If you remember, it was an anime that was spawned in the abdomen and parasites grew in a transparent stomach. I was banned for a whole week because of that anime, and that was just an opportunity for my current low tide
Where should we start
My earliest Internet record began in 2011. I began to share my paintings when I first went online. Before that, I started painting in the first grade of primary school and showed some talents. I think I have been painting for at least 14 years, but to be honest, the period of painting children's paintings can be ignored. Let's take it as a decade
I have been painting for ten years, and I finally begin to understand that my ability has reached the end
I used to draw hundreds of pages of notebooks, several of them. In class and at night, I secretly drew pictures. I would post my pictures online and accept criticism modestly. I liked to draw some coherent short comics. At that time, I was full of creative desire and expression desire. Although the paintings were ordinary, I really painted, updated and published frequently
But my paintings have never got the "boutique" logo in the forum. You know, the reason is that I painted
It sucks
But at that time, I was very happy painting. I didn't care. As long as I could continue to paint, I would be very happy. Even though my parents were very disgusted with my painting, they hoped that I would give up these behaviors that wasted time and would not help my study. My family was very poor, so I didn't have the opportunity to enter the formal art learning path in the end
Slowly, I began to feel the gap
I don't know when it started. I think people around me have started to grow rapidly. They are getting better and better, and their paintings are getting better and better. While I am just walking in the same place, there is little growth. When they began to draw some very beautiful, three-dimensional muscle blocks, I was still drawing some plush people with long and thin hands and feet. I understand that I am behind, but I did not leave my paintings behind, I still paint every day. I even used the computer my uncle gave me to try to draw pixel paintings, because the computer was so bad that it was difficult to draw anything else
But I'm still lagging behind
I began to compare others with me. I began to try to learn the advantages of others, but I was still very poor. Even though I tried so hard to compare, I still could not understand the profound human structure and three-dimensional sense in their paintings. I began to get frustrated, but I continued to paint, but I abandoned the paper and pen. I went to high school. I began to use computers to paint. That was the time when I painted most. I painted all day and all night, A lot of paintings, a lot of
But this is me, a fool. I have made some progress, but compared with other people, they are also growing. Many years later, some people I know on the forum have been drawing original pictures for the game company. Let's see what I am drawing. More detailed plush people with slender hands and feet
I began to feel powerless and painful. I could not catch up with others and draw good works like them, which made me feel guilty and self reproach. I left professionals alone. Even amateurs at the same time, I was far behind
But everything went downhill from that
I have a friend. I'm sure he can't paint. He once painted for me. Although he worked hard, he was really bad. He "used to" be my best friend
One day, he disappeared for three months without any news or contact. When he reappeared, I noticed that he painted a lot of beautiful muscles. He might have taken some classes or something, but everyone liked the new paintings he brought
You can't imagine how much this shocked me
It suddenly dawned on me that all my efforts over the years were actually behind closed doors, worthless, useless and ridiculous. I was severely beaten by a newcomer who had been trained for three months. I lost a lot. I finally understood the meaning of talent. Maybe it wasn't talent, but I was stupid. I shouldn't try and waste time to do a career I couldn't do
After that, I deliberately snubbed him. After that, we didn't have any contact. In fact, I regret it now, but it's meaningless
After I was diagnosed with depression, my painful thoughts became more and more profound. I could not bear my own skills or look directly at others' paintings. When I saw a painting, I would subconsciously compare it with my own, but I could not draw it anyway
Later one time, I publicly accepted the entrustment. At that time, I felt that my painting was not bad. I only needed 30 yuan (about $4) to draw a pixel painting
However, no one cares. After that, I vowed that I would never, never accept any CM
In the following years, too many things happened. I made changed, which was another turning point in my life. My painting ability finally... had a sad effect
Maybe drawing animation will be a good direction. I don't have much complicated learning. I just watched a few videos and began to draw animation. I admit, now it seems that some of the early changed animations are stupid, and the current ones are also stupid. After all, everyone is drawing animation now. Haha, I'm nothing at all, and I've been surpassed again
In recent years, I draw fewer and fewer single pictures. Animation takes up a larger part. My single pictures have no characteristics and are not beautiful, far less than the paintings of those I really admire. My subject matter has become more and more strange. I have even accumulated some fans. My games and animation are not exquisite, but I have definitely paid all my efforts and skills, I have also used some new techniques and painting methods. You may see from the picture number that I have a little understanding of the picture, and I have made some progress
Until that day, just last month... I went to an anti furry forum. I just went to see their comments on the game. I shouldn't have done that. I knew it was stupid. I knew I would see some very mean remarks. Where did they wantonly laugh at my paintings, my content, and all my efforts, as if I had made some mistakes? Most importantly, my heart agreed with their insults
...
I couldn't get out of it for many days. My depression may have broken out. Soon, my FA was banned again. This is probably the last straw that killed the camel
I'm sure that I can't understand those profound painting methods, remember those trunks, and know how to draw stereoscopic sense. In short, I don't know anything. When everyone is born, the weight and capacity of his brain are different. Although the learning after tomorrow will affect a lot, I think there are various differences in people's abilities. Some people can become masters if they learn a little, although they can't draw, Some people may not have talent, but their learning ability is strong enough to become great painters
I, on the other hand, am a very unlucky person who has no talent, can't learn, likes painting, and wants to continue painting
I don't know if you know about the survivor bias. You think painting is a very simple thing. After learning, everyone becomes an excellent painter. But in fact, there are more, very many people who have failed. They are the real majority of people. They can neither draw nor publish, but they have tried hard, but no one knows, After all, they have no ability to publish anything to let you know his efforts
If I didn't make changed, I would also be that kind of person. I would become a staff member or a waiter after I left college. I would never touch painting again
I still can't walk out. I pick up the brush these days, and I will feel a surge of anger towards myself. For the first time, I began to have some self mutilation feelings. I cried many times. I understand that it is time to choose whether to continue all this or give up. However I choose, I will continue to paint the remaining changed game materials, which is the crystallization of my life, no matter how painful, I also want to finish this game, so don't worry about my emotions affecting my game project
But after that, maybe it's really time to give up and end my pain. This is my ability. All my abilities, my efforts for so many years, are just the butt of others' jokes. I spent so much time and energy creating free animation after making games, but also some strange things that will be reported. I know you love me and my creations, and I know most people still appreciate me, But I can't accept myself
I need psychological guidance, but I may give up directly
Every man has his own destiny
我的老粉丝们应该知道，我本来就经常突然好几个月都不更新，但是这次不太一样
我不知道我是否提到过我曾患有抑郁症，我曾经因为这个遭受了严重的网络暴力，我很容易无法想通某些事，我经常无法接受自己、接受自己的能力，我会极端偏执的将我与其他人比较
我经常会因为我低下的绘画能力而深陷痛苦，无法自拔，至少我自己认为那是不堪入目、糟糕的
事情起源于上个月，我的FA账号被封禁了，原因是我的其中一幅动画作品被举报，并且被认定为是“胎儿色情”，如果你们还记得的话，那是一个被在腹部产卵，然后寄生虫在透明的肚子里生长的动画，我因为那个动画被封禁了一整周，而那件事只是我现在低潮的契机
这一切该从哪里说起呢
我最早的互联网记录是从2011年开始的，我刚开始上网时就开始分享自己的画作，那之前，我在小学一年级时就开始画画，并且展现出一些才能，我想我至今已经有至少14年绘画的历程，不过老实说，画儿童画的那段时期可以忽略，那就当做是十年吧
我已经画了十年了，我终于开始明白，我的能力已经到达了尽头
我也曾经画满了几百页的笔记本，好几本，在课堂上、晚上，偷偷的画画，我会把我的画发到网上，虚心的接受批评，我很喜欢绘制一些连贯的短漫画，那时候的我充满了创作欲望与表达欲望，虽然画的一般，但是我真的非常频繁的画画、频繁的更新、频繁的发表
但是我的画在论坛里从来都没有得到过“精品”标志，你知道的，原因就是我画的
很 烂
不过那时候很画画开心，我并不在意，我只要能继续画画，我就会很开心，即使我的父母很反感我画画，他们希望我放弃这些浪费时间、不会对学习有所帮助的行为，我的家境很差，所以我最终也没有机会去进入正规的美术学习的道路
慢慢的，我就开始感受到了差距
不知道是从什么时候开始，我觉得我身边的人们都开始快速的成长起来，他们都变得越来越棒，画的越来越好，而我就在原地踏步，很少有成长，他们开始绘制一些非常漂亮的、富有立体感的肌肉块时，我还是在画一些手脚细长的毛绒绒人，我明白我落后了，但是我并没有落下我的绘画，我还是每天都在画，我甚至用叔叔送给我的电脑开始尝试绘制像素画，因为那个电脑实在太差劲了，甚至很难画些别的
但是我还是很落后
我开始拿别人与我对比，我开始尝试学习他人的优点，但是我还是很差，即使我那么努力的对比，我也还是无法理解他们画中深奥的人体构造与立体感，我开始变得沮丧，但是我还是在继续画画，但我抛弃了纸笔，我升上了高中，我开始使用电脑作画，那是我画画最多的时期，我没日没夜的画画，画了很多，很多...
但是这就是我，一个笨蛋，我有了些长进，但对比其他人来说，他们也在成长，很多年之后，我在论坛上面认识的一些人已经在为游戏公司绘制原画了，看看我在画什么吧，更加细致的手脚细长的毛绒绒人
我开始感到一些无力，感到一些痛苦，我无法追上其他人，无法画出像他们那么好的作品，这让我很内疚、自责，抛去专业人士不谈，即使是同时期的业余者，我也远远赶不上了
但是一切都从那件事开始急转直下
我有一个朋友，我可以肯定他是不会画画的，他曾经为我画过画，虽然很努力，但确实很差，他“曾经”是我很要好的朋友
有天，他消失了整整三个月，没有任何消息，没有联络，当他再出现时，我注意到他画了很多漂亮的肌肉，他可能去参加了什么学习班或者之类的，但他带来的新画，大家都很喜欢
你想象不到这件事对我的震撼有多大
我突然明白了我这么多年的努力其实都是闭门造车、不值一提、无用、可笑的，我被一个培训了三个月的新人狠狠的比了下去，我输得一塌糊涂，我终于明白了天赋的含义，或许不是天赋，只是我蠢，不该尝试、浪费时间做一个我不可能做到的事业
那之后我故意冷落了他，再之后我们没有了任何联系，我实际上现在很后悔，但已经没有意义了
我被确诊抑郁之后，痛苦的想法越来越深刻，我无法忍耐我自己的技巧，无法直视他人的画作，当我看到一幅画我就会下意识与我自己比较，但我就是无论如何都画不出来
后来有一次，我公开接受委托，那时候的我，我觉得画的并不算差，我只需要30人民币（大概4美元）就可以绘制一张像素画
但是，没有人，没有人在乎，那之后，我发誓，我绝不、永不再接受任何CM
那之后的几年发生了太多的事情，我制作了changed，那是我人生中的另一个转折点，我的绘画能力终于…有了一点可悲的作用
或许绘制动画会是个好的方向，我没有多复杂的学习，只是看了几个视频就开始绘制动画了，我承认，现在看来，早期changed的一些动画，画的很蠢，现在的也蠢，毕竟现在大家也都在画动画了，哈哈，我根本算不上什么，我又一次的被超越了
我近些年越来越少绘制单图了，动画占了更大的部分，我的单图没什么特色，也并不好看，远不及我真正崇拜的那些人的画，我的题材也开始变得越来越古怪，我甚至因此积攒起来了一些粉丝，我的游戏与动画，虽然谈不上精致，但我绝对付出了所有的努力与技巧，我在changed中绘制的一些图片，也使用了一些新的技巧与画法，你或许可以从图片的编号来看，我稍微有了一点对画面的理解，我稍微进步了一些
直到那天，就在上个月...我去了一个反furry论坛，我只是去看看他们对游戏的评价，我不该那么做的，我知道这行为很愚蠢，我知道我会看到一些非常刻薄的言论，在哪里，他们肆意的嘲笑我的画，还有我画的内容，嘲笑我的所有努力，就好像我犯了什么错一样，最重要的是，我的内心赞同他们的侮辱
...
我好多天都无法从中挣扎出来，我的抑郁可能发作了，很快，我的FA又被封禁了，这大概就是压死骆驼最后的稻草了
我可以肯定，我无法理解那些高深的画法，无法记住那些躯干，不知道怎么去绘制立体感，总之，我什么都不知道，每个人生下来时，大脑的重量与容量就不同，虽然后天的学习会影响很多，但我觉得人的能力都有各种各样的差异，有的人虽然不会画画，但是只要稍微学习，就能成为大师，有的人可能没有天赋，但他的学习能力够强，一样可以成为伟大的画家
而我，就恰好是一个很倒霉的，没有天赋，不会学习，又喜欢画画，想继续画画的倒霉蛋
我不知道你们知不知道幸存者偏差，你觉得好像画画是很简单的事情，大家学习了之后都成为了优秀的画家，但是实际上，那些失败了的人更多，非常多，他们才是真正的大多数人，他们不会画画，也不会发表出来，但他们也努力过了，只是已经没有人知道了，毕竟他们没有能力发表什么东西能让你知道他曾经的努力
如果我没有制作changed，我也将会是那样的人，我会在离开大学之后成为一个职员，或者服务生什么之类的，永远不会再接触画画了
我仍然无法走出来，这几天我拿起画笔，就会感受到一股我对我自己的愤怒，我第一次的，开始有一些自残情绪，我痛哭了很多次，我明白，要么继续这一切，要么放弃，是时候选择了，但是无论我怎么选，我都还是要继续画完剩下的changed游戏素材，那是我一生的结晶，无论多么痛苦，我也要完成这部游戏，所以别担心我的情绪会影响我的游戏工程
但在那完成之后，或许就真的该放弃了，终结我的痛苦吧，这就是我的能力了，我全部的能力，我这么多年的努力，不过是别人的笑柄，我花了那么多时间与精力，在制作游戏之余创作的免费动画，也不过是些会被举报的怪东西，我知道你们爱我，爱我的创作，我知道大部分人还是欣赏我的，但我自己却无法接受我自己
我需要心理辅导，但也可能会直接放弃
人各有命，皆不相同
DragonSnow Games
Posted 6 years agoThe game I'm developing, the "Silenced":
https://store.steampowered.com/app/.....8960/Silenced/
The difficult game already released with the theme of "transfur", named "Changed"：
https://store.steampowered.com/app/814540/Changed/
https://store.steampowered.com/app/.....8960/Silenced/
The difficult game already released with the theme of "transfur", named "Changed"：
https://store.steampowered.com/app/814540/Changed/
The Game Demo Vol.2
Posted 7 years agohttps://pan.baidu.com/s/1o7PRnoY
This is the finally demo,before I finished this game.
This is the finally demo,before I finished this game.
Hi there...
Posted 8 years agoThere's someword to answer the questions.
I was depressed.
I'm afraid to talk with others.
and that why i don't always reply comments.
'Will it be offensive?'
'My translation software will make the wrong translation?'
Please forgive me, that's the first thing.
about the commission,i.....
i think i'm not good enough.
in fact,i almost give up,give up painting...
every day I am very self reproach, are confused, distressed, I do not know why I can not do better, can not draw better, can not be a good person.
Finally, I got depressed.
At least until now, I still cannot take Commission, I'm paranoid, very stubborn, not satisfied, but I do not for poor work fool employers.
I can't accept the Commission. No, not now. Give me some time to make me better.
I was depressed.
I'm afraid to talk with others.
and that why i don't always reply comments.
'Will it be offensive?'
'My translation software will make the wrong translation?'
Please forgive me, that's the first thing.
about the commission,i.....
i think i'm not good enough.
in fact,i almost give up,give up painting...
every day I am very self reproach, are confused, distressed, I do not know why I can not do better, can not draw better, can not be a good person.
Finally, I got depressed.
At least until now, I still cannot take Commission, I'm paranoid, very stubborn, not satisfied, but I do not for poor work fool employers.
I can't accept the Commission. No, not now. Give me some time to make me better.
I gave up
Posted 9 years agoDo what losers the, why do you want to dream has come out on top, garbage should be put in rubbish dump, the diamond will shine, and the stone will never.
