---

So.... back when you were little boys and girls, there was this overhyped latina superstar whose talent, I guess, was to parade up and down red carpets in slinky little outfits- Let's just give her a generic, meaningless name like... um... Jennifer..... Lopez- Yes, that will do. I think she's hosting some show with a bunch of other old people now... Anyway, one day many years ago she showed up at a red carpet event nekkid. Yes, nekkid. Well, ok- by nekkid I mean she was wearing a thong, a flimsy, see-through blue-green negligee, sticky-tape, and copious amounts of glitter to help fill in the- ahem- "bare spots". Well, ok- when I say she was wearing a flimsy negligee I mean she was ALMOST wearing it. In fact, it seemed to arrive on the red carpet about 30 seconds after she did. One gets the impression that her stylist had simply forgotten to dress her. So...... there she was parading around in all her glory, her negligible negligee hanging off her overly bronzed body, held together with nothing more than a strategically placed brooch- which was the only thing preventing the whole world from becoming her gynecologist.
Whetever.

---

Now what fascinated me was this:
JLo's red carpet walk quickly turned into a scene from "The Emperor's New Clothes" complete with a parade of fools. Despite the fact that JLo was as naked as a jaybird, the commentators kept going on about her... um... "dress", implying that she was actually wearing one. They kept saying how interesting it was ...... and how shocking it was..... and how revealing it was..... And wasn't she daring to ....wear it.
So.......
These foolish commentators continued bluffing their way through the broadcast saying how fabulous "That Dress" was and.......... wait! Hold on! Maybe they weren't bluffing. Maybe they actually saw a dress! Perhaps I- I alone am the fool- because I swear I certainly never did see a dress. Yes, that's it. I must be a fool because I swear that the Empress paraded down that red carpet naked. In fact, I was almost sure I heard a child say- "Look mommy! She's not wearing any clothes" Oh, well. Whether there was an actual dress or whether it was just the figment of a collective imagination, Empress JLo certainly raised a few eyebrows on that day.

---

Speaking of naked-
I believe it was Justin Timberlake who uttered the words: "I'm gonna have you naked by the end of this song" And he did. Those haunting words still send shivers up and down my spine as the prelude to the infamous "wardrobe malfunction" that followed. The lyrics had barely come forth from his mouth when he... oh, I can't even say it.... he unceremoniously ripped off Janet Jackson's bodice, revealing........ an actual female breast. The horror. It was quite literally thrust out upon a totally unsuspecting audience for all to see. Yes, I too was frightened. There was no time to look away. The damage had been done- the image now seared into my brain. Oh the calamity. And what about the children? Think of all the poor innocent children traumatized by the sight of that sagging, middle-aged breast. Some sort of mid-evil nipple ornament weighed it down even further, ensuring that one day soon, her knobby breast would be hanging down to her knobby knees. In truth, I'm not sure that her nipple was even visible, but I just remember it that way- you know? So.... Janet feigned a display of modesty and ran off the stage, but no one was fooled. The next day, her brother Jermaine Jackson expresssed that he was only shocked that she didn't expose BOTH breasts. You know, people say that we lost our innocence on 9/11. I disagree. I say we lost it during that superbowl. If only we could go back to a kinder, gentler time and recapture our innocence. But it's gone.
Which brings me to 👑 and "That Picture".
I recently started watching 👑. I realize that 👑, much like Janet or JLo, earns a living by showing off the goods. Fine. But much like Janet or JLo - 👑 may have crossed a boundary of good taste. There is something about being popular and being in the limelight that has a way of bloating egos and blurring good judgment. 👑 appears to be no exception.

---

So those of us currently viewing more "general audience" fare on F.A. may have raised an eyebrow or two at a recent submission that 👑 posted. The picture of Luther and Amon getting all touchy- feely, with the bottom cropped out. Ok..... I suppose Luther and Amon could have been innocently checking each other for pre-cancerous lesions, but I doubt it. I'm not a prude, as evidenced by my gallery, and I am accustomed to seeing suggestive pictures in my inbox. But I admit I was startled when this picture popped up. Cropped though it was, somehow it seemed to cross an invisible line. There was something about it that was both titillating and upsetting at the same time. It was undeniably a beautiful picture and although I shouldn't have, I leered at it a little bit too long. It made me feel all warm and tingly... You know, down there. (I could hear the Church Lady chiding me in my head.) Most of the suggestive pictures that pass through my inbox don't make me feel this way, but this one did.

---

I was also a little upset because the picture was a spoiler for me. I recently began following "Red Lantern", but I hadn't seen any of the adult panels. Before this picture popped up, I had no idea that "services had been rendered" between Luther and Amon so to speak. I was living in the innocent fantasy that nothing more than a friendly massage had occurred between the two of them. This picture prematurely ripped away that childlike innocence, just as surely as Ms. Jackson's malfunctioning bodice. Just as surely as a showering session with Jerry Sandusky. Ouch! I didn't want a sexual act pushed on me so quickly and unexpectedly. I mean.... on Amon and Luther...... yes! That's it. I mean, I knew it was coming, but as long as I didn't actually see it, I could pretend it hadn't happened yet. Now there was no hiding from that reality. I deleted the picture.

---

So it seems someone complained to F.A. about the picture because shortly afterward 👑 put out a journal addressing the situation. It reads in part:
"If you are EXTREMELY underage, you should not know what a blowjob is. And if you do, oh well. Damage done." -👑
Um... really?
Clearly this was a message to 👑's legions of underage watchers. How touching to see an artist reaching out to the fan base. Whatever. So 👑 droned on and on in the journal about how "I'm an ADULT artist" and "other artists put out way more suggestive stuff than I do and they don't get in any trouble......." As I continued reading, I could visualize Michael Jackson holding hands with that 13 year old boy on the couch and saying derisively: "Why can't you share your bed?" I'm not sure if it was a question or a comment, but the underlying tone was: "Who are you to judge me!" Indeed, who am I to judge? Nobody.

---

Oh, sure, I've put out some suggestive stuff too, but unlike 👑, I have the luxury of knowing that no one notices or cares....... Apparently. So anyway, do those who are actually being watched have a greater responsibility to show discernment? Whatever the answer, it is unfortunate that those are the very people whose inflated egos make them think that they can do anything they want and how dare anyone question them. (Just think about Jennifer, Jerry, Justin, Janet and Jacko.) So much for innocence!

---

Now I'm not saying that 👑 or any of these other bloated celebs did anything inappropriate. No, certainly not! After all the only real crime is judging another's actions. Isn't it? I'm only saying that their actions raised a few eyebrows, that's all.

Suffer the little children.

So... for some time now I have been keeping my eye on the user page of 👑. Not watching, mind you, just keeping an eye on it... Since long before we were introduced to "RED LANTERN". Whatever. So... when various things and pages and posters and necklaces and other items for sale kept popping up, I noticed but paid little attention. That's fine. Everybody has something to sell- (Salivini paper toys, human souls, whatever.) Anyway, some of the pictures of Luther and Amon were pretty enough to get my attention and so I faved them. But otherwise, I didn't care. I had read a panel of "Red Lantern" here or there - if the picture looked compelling enough- but I didn't follow the goings-on at the Divine. Hardly. I couldn't care less. I am not much of a reader of things furry- or anything for that matter. Ironic, since I have put out at least one furry story on F.A. Perhaps that makes me a hypocrite, but it was too much bother for me to actually READ the panels for "Red Lantern" and follow the story.

The only furry storyline I've ever read from start to finish was Leafdog's "Secret Fox and Closet Coon." Loved it. Felt grateful to stumble upon it. But what irritated the hell out of me was I would wait dutifully for six weeks for the next installment to come out only to have Leafdog put out this ridiculous scribble of the characters transformed into cocoanuts. (That is, if Leafdog even cared enough to put out anything at all.) I was not amused, even if you were. At some point Leafdog either grew out of it or was too busy or just didn't care anymore. So... it was dumped on Poop- who I guess maybe gave a crap- but never quite filled Leafdog's meager shoes. This changing of the guard took place right around the panel where Rick introduced HomoTaro to HomoColin. Whatever. The comic languished on the back burner until Leafdog mercifully put it out of its misery by adding a final panel that brought everything full circle. Even so, "Closet Coon" still brings back fond memories of when I was still just discovering the furry internet.

Another reason I'm not much of a reader is because I assume that no one is writing anything as good as what I have already dreamed up. You see, I have imagined stories in my mind.... Beautiful stories, epic stories- stories that will never see the light of day. Stories that will never be put on paper because I don't have the time, talent, ability- whatever. I feel guilty even spending time to write this journal. No one will ever know about those wonderful stories and no one will ever see the beautiful artwork that would have gone with them. It will never happen.

But that's alright, because we have "Red Lantern" from 👑/Alectorfencer/Myenia. For some reason, I don't know what it was- I began reading the panels. Something touched me. In the past two days I have read all ninety-five panels of the first volume. And re-read them; ( I haven't seen the adult ones.) The story is interesting, the artwork is lush, and 👑 is cramming in as many sub-plots as possible to keep us guessing. The writing started off a little unpolished and the dragons seem gratuitous, but things are improving as the story matures. The more recent panels even bring out the lovely colors of Amon's eyes- something that seemed overlooked in earlier panels. We, and perhaps 👑, are all getting more comfortable with the charactors as they evolve.

I guess what motivates me to write this is- I care about the charactors now. I shouldn't care, but I do. The tragedy of this is that events of late make me wonder if I care about imaginary furries more than I care about real people. Just wondering, that's all... and watching.

Love, -D.

▲ Warning: Self-induced furry drama. Sensitive furries need not read any further.

So....where to begin?

Ok. So many years ago there was this entertainer, Michael Jackson- who some of you may have heard of. Anyway, Mr. Jackson used to entertain children at this magical place called Neverland Ranch. I'm not saying I was one of those children. No. Not at all. I'm just saying that back in the eighties he would entertain us- I mean them! And if you were alive in the eighties, you might have even thought it was cute! You might have said to yourself: "That Jackson 5 boy; he's so good with the children." And he was... But at some point what had seemed so cute passed on into creepy. Can't put my finger on what it was... It seemed to happen shortly after Mr. Jackson turned 30. (Sorry, Whyte Yote.) For some mysterious reason his antics just weren't cute anymore. They were creepy. I think he's dead now... Anyway, this brings me to "My Little Pony, Friendship is magic."

---

Like many of you, I was also horrified to see this onslaught of creepy cuteness overtake F.A.
Bowing to the masses, Fender put up a banner admitting as much. He mournfully lamented: "Like it or not, bronies are here to stay." Or something like that. I wasn't paying any attention. So... I bit my tongue as I browsed submissions and saw picture after picture of wretchedly cute ponies assaulting my senses. But YOU didn't hold your tongues: I read journal after journal ranting about how dreadful the "My Little Pony" craze was, that it was ruining F.A. and how everyone hoped it would go away. I don't recall much support for the pony craze, yet the pony pictures just kept coming. I actually tried to get into it, saying something to the effect that I thought Fender Pony was cute. (He was.) Anyway, I was relieved when the craze subsided.

---

Which brings me to the current craze: Comparison memes.
When they suddenly started appearing, I thought they were cute- how clever for someone to make a template, I thought. However, after seeing about a hundred of them during a single browsing session, they no longer seemed cute. By the next day they had become an invasion. Every other submission was a comparison meme. It had passed from cute to creepy. Everyone was doing it. The final straw came when my inbox started filling with these things. I could avoid browsing, but I couldn't hide from my own inbox. I received one form C_____, the last furry I expected to be caught up in the fray. Pissed, I made a remark to C______ that I had seen too many of these things and that this craze was worse than the "My Little Pony" fad. I received a reply. What do you think it said? C_____ said: "Um....don't look then?" Considering the list of nasty responses that C______ could have given, I thought this was kind. After all, I was picking a quarrel, I was the black cloud raining on C______'s parade. I was the lone voice of dissent. I should have bit my tongue. But I didn't. I felt that C______was just another lemming jumping off a cliff. I was overly offended by C______'s seemingly innocent reply: "Um...don't look then?" In what universe has that ever been a satisfying answer? It is the age old cry of the oppressor: "Um.... don't look then." Fah! I believe Saddam Hussein said the same thing when he was accused of human rights violations in Iraq. Or was it Ron Jeremy who said it? I get those two mixed up sometimes. I wasn't paying attention. Anyway, its right up there with "Let them eat cake."

---

The reality is there are many things we would rather not see, but we find difficult to ignore. When you see a five car pile-up, it's hard not to look. If you see Lady Gaga- it's hard not to look. If you see an ugly mug on a comparison meme in your inbox- it's hard not to look. Not that I even minded seeing those memes- just not all at the same time. I suppose this craze bothers me more than "My Little Pony" because I come here for fantasy- Neverland ranch if you will. Pictures of actual, real people peeking out from behind their fursuits forces me back to reality. No matter how magical Neverland is, we are reminded that Mr. Jackson is lurking nearby.... I haven't completely discounted the idea of doing my own comparison meme, but I guarantee that you will never see my ugly mug in your inbox.

Love, -D.

Today marks my one year anniversary on F.A. I didn't want the day to pass by without comment. As I saw the date coming up, I wondered what, if anything I would say. It is not a happy anniversary for me. I have been forced to reflect upon the unfortunate events that brought me here. Things that are very much still with me and painful to think about.
I wanted to start this day on a positive note.
So I decided to congratulate another member of F.A. who has the same first year anniversary as me. When I went to the page, I found that this person had experienced the recent death of a loved one. Instead of congratulations, I expressed my sympathies. It was strangely fitting.
So what has the past year brought?
I came to F.A. as a statement of rebellion, a place where I could showcase pretty, naked furries which otherwise would never have seen the light of day. I interacted with many different artists, writers, and poets. I had a platform to express my viewpoints. I stretched myself as an artist, doing things I never would have done otherwise. I moved in unexpected directions, even storytelling, another thing I never thought I would do. My passing did not go by completely unnoticed. I watched people and people watched me. However, even in the space of a year I noticed how many of the people I watched- and how many of those watching me- have abandoned their pages. I know that in this transitory world it's not important, but it makes me sad anyway. It makes me wonder when it will be my turn to abandon my page.
But I'm here. And I still have a few more things to say.

Silly topic: I finally have a submission that received eight faves.
On my first submission, posted eleven months ago.
It finally received its eighth fave from  MrMEMEME
So what?
I have several submissions that received seven faves but not that elusive eighth- until now.
The work is mediocre, so I'm grateful to have any faves.
This must seem silly to some of you more.... popular furries. Why bring this up?
Drama:
Sensitive furries need not read further.
So any way, there is this furry called K________.
Many of you are watchers of this popular furry. I like this furry's work as well.
Well, anyway, about a month ago, this furry submitted the sh*ttiest little piece of crap you ever did see.
Even by F.A. standards.
Below this furry's usual standards. Just to submit something. That's fine. Why not?
Well,
Within an hour, this furry had 36 faves and 25 comments murring over how great it was,
how awesome it was, how they couldn't wait to see more.
Some of YOU also commented on the submission.
So......
Some of you might remember a little film called "Fatal Attraction" starring Micheal Douglass+Glenn Close.
There was a scene where Glenn was standing outside in the dark, hiding in the bushes, peering into the window as she watched Michael interact with his loving family.
Did she envy what Michael had? Or was she disgusted? The scene ended with her throwing up. (OK, sure, she was pregnant- but we were left to draw our own conclusions.)
Anyway, that was me, that was how I felt as I watched this loving interaction between artist and adoring horde.
Barf.
I'm ashamed to admit that I was jealous of this trivial nothingness.
Still am.
But I will accept my eight fave with pride- because I worked hard for it.

Whew! It only took 10 months but I'm there. Thank you all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6940733/
lukoi's page
It's Robin Hood I want, You Idiot!

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₪»ƤєввℓєѕRανєη«₪ ωσlαxX!! & вιєивєиιdσѕ ѕєαи α єѕтα ραgιиα
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dιвυjoѕ є ιитєяcαмвισѕ, яєgαlσѕ у ανєя qυє
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𝔼 ℝ 𝕋 𝕊 𝕋 𝔸 𝕋 𝕌 𝕊ℚ𝕌𝔼𝕌𝔼 ┇ ℙℝ𝕀ℂ𝔼𝕊 ┇ 𝕋𝕆𝕊ℂ𝕆𝕄𝕀𝕊𝕀𝕆ℕ𝕊:ℙ𝔼ℕ ┇ ℂ𝕃𝕃𝔸𝔹𝕊:𝔸𝕊𝕂 ┇ 𝕋ℝ𝔸𝔻𝔼𝕊: 𝔸𝕊𝕂⇝ ℙ 𝔹 𝕃 𝕊 ℝ 𝕍 𝔼 ℕ ⇜⚝ 𝕋 𝕎 𝔼 ℕ 𝕐 ℍ ┇ ♀ ┇ 𝕋 𝕊 𝕌 ℕ 𝔻 𝔼 ℝ 𝔼 ┇ 𝔸 ℝ 𝕋 𝕀 𝕊 𝕋 ┇ 𝔼 ℕ 𝔾 𝔻 ┇ 𝕀 ℕ 𝔽 𝕁 ℂ 𝕆 𝕃 𝔸 𝔹 𝔸 ℂ ℕ 𝕋
Λ L L ‧ Ξ N C O M P Λ S S I N G ‧ M I C R O C O S M ████▓▒░❝ P Ξ R S O N Λ Ξ ❞V C R W L F E B Ξ L O V Ξ D ❣


D R Ξ Λ M W I N D O W
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˙noʎ oʇ sǝᴉʅ ɹoɹɹᴉɯ ǝɥʇ

---I have debated whether I was going to write this, but I was feeling particularly upset about something today, so I am writing this for myself.


---About a hundred years ago, when I was seven years old, I was getting ready for school. There was rain in the forecast that day, so my mother kindly gave me her umbrella to take with me.
It was very large ( or perhaps I was very small ) and had a floral design-lots of pretty blue and white flowers. Clearly a ladie's umbrella, but it was the only one we had, and in those days we were grateful to have anything at all. It was nearly as tall as I was and very heavy. I dragged it behind me on the way to school.

---Sure enough, by the time school got out, it was pouring. Many of the other chidren brought umbrellas too. They had cute little child size umbrellas in bright colors, some of them were see-through, all of them more appropriate than mine. I was embarrassed to drag mine out of the coat closet, but I told myself once again that I should be grateful to have it. Some children didn't bring an umbrella and would have to walk home in the rain.

---I stood outside the school trying to open that umbrella. It wouldn't open. Even at seven years old, I was more embarrassed than surprised. I couldn't open the umbrella. Why I don't know. I wasn't smart enough, clever enough, tall enough, strong enough, coordinated enough, whatever. It would not open, not for me. I would take so many steps, then fiddle with it, then some more steps, hoping in vain that no one would notice my torment. I became more upset with each step.

---Suddenly, some teenagers came up to me and offered to help me. I suppose I should have been appreciative, but I was so disgusted, so resigned to my failure that I replied "If you can open it, you can have it.", as I handed it over and kept on walking. I had no intention of looking back, but several seconds later one of them yelled "thanks" and I glanced back at them. Of course, they had opened up the umbrella in no time and were huddled beneath it. I continued home in the rain, feeling like a fool. Later I lied to my mother and told her somebody stole it out of the coat closet. Even at that tender age, I had long known that there is nothing to be gained by being honest.

---That day stands out because nothing has changed for me. The literal umbrella is long gone, but the figurative one remains. I am told I should be grateful for it, told it doesn't matter if it is too heavy for me, too big for me, the wrong color or shape for me, as long as it protects me from the rain. Every damn day I have to drag that umbrella behind me everywhere I go. I still can't quite seem to get it open. Some well meaning ones may offer some "help", but they only want to help themselves, not me. I don't feel grateful for their help, although I'm told I should be. Sometimes I get the umbrella halfway open, but it's never enough to protect me from the rain. I feel like a fool as I fiddle with it in vain, knowing that it is just not right for me. And still, there is nothing to be gained by being honest about it.

---So.. this is the third time today I have logged onto my page. I told myself I would not become a slave to it and I congratulate myself when I go a few days without checking it. I am usually the only person looking at it anyway and I tell myself that's for the best, but we all like a little attention sometimes. The last few days have been different. I submitted a piece called "Tinkle Fountain" and I struggled to get it done. I obsessed over it for weeks, fussing about angles and proportions. Layer after layer of color and shading, I never thought I would get it finished. Then I finally got to the point where I said I'll ruin it if I do anything else to it. All the while it was killing me knowing that someone like Grau was churning these things out every few days. I also felt guilty because I was stealing time from more important things to work on this-guilt has a way of taking the joy out of things.
---So...I posted this mediocrity and because I still don't know what i am doing, I wasn't happy with it, so I put it in scraps. Then I took one from scraps and put it in the gallery. The two pictures are almost identical now, but I'm always bothered by picture quality or size. I thought the subject matter would get more faves, but you never know. Anyway, to the point, if there is one.
---So...the picture was faved by  FuzzballFox who then proceeded to ask me if the picture was a play on WS, and if not, Fuzzball liked it anyway. Fuzzball was waiting for an answer, and I was mortified. I have no idea who or what WS is, and I was too embarrassed to ask. My vague reply: " Interpret the picture any way you want". All those hours spent working on that drawing and I can't answer a simple question. Clueless. It's hard enough looking like a fool in the real world-but I was hoping to avoid it here, in furry fantasy land. Guess that was wishful thinking.

Update: I have since figured out that WS means water sports- and I have also since figured out what water sports means.

---I'm starting to draw pictures that I wouldn't have taken time to draw before I started this page. Drawing them for the sake of having something to post is different than drawing for my own satisfaction. I used to draw something and leave it unfinished- and that was alright. But now? I work at a snail's pace- I don't have the talent of some one like Rickgtiffin-who-can-fill-my-box-with-24-drawings-in-a-single-day-thankyou. My picture didn't have to be finished-and if it did get finished-I would probably end up ripping it in to pieces and burning it anyway-so what did it matter? It was finished enough for my little need-thats all that mattered-but now?
---I was unprepared to start up this page, and it showed. Maybe others found themselves in the same situation. But that's alright-it's about having "fun", not worrying about little things like quality, right? But still, when I look at other sites and their polished artwork...
---So,( people seem to say "so" a lot on FA ), so I had the cheapest piece of digital equiptment-and my presentation suffered. My mediocre art looked even more mediocre on the web than it did in person. Now I have a more expensive piece of digital equiptment so picture quality will improve slightly. I have already updated some pictures now that I know I can change my submission profile. ( Submission, I like that word.) So now they only look slightly more mediocre on the web than they do in person. So I posted a second version of "creepy Gym Teacher" before I realized I could change the first one, and in the two hours it took me to figure this out, Someone faved the second version, so I can't remove either one.
---I have also learned that thumbnails are my friend, so I have added them.

I finally figured out how to make a half-way decent avatar. I didn't even know they were called avatars until I got this page. There are so many things I don't know. The avatar was the first thing I tackled-I figured if I can do that, I can do anything else. I kept fumbling and fumbling until it was accepted-a relief! I clicked things on the computer I had never clicked before-that has been happening a lot lately. Only 100x100 pixels? Yikes! But I felt a sense of accomplishment.
My avatar was a hopelessly amateur feat compared to all those pretty, flashy avatars out there. Slick creations-colorful, animated swaying ones, I-pod head-banging ones,( I liked Maneaters)-some people changed them every month like a revolving door and it seemed so easy for them! Apparently many of them are commissioned- I won't be doing that any time soon. So much to learn. But now I have better avatars even though they are not as pretty as yours are. However, I am not as embarrassed to post a comment anymore.
Much to learn-it is one thing to silently observe the goings on with the furry world for years-another thing to make yourself known. If I want someone to comment on my page, I must comment on their page and maybe, just maybe they will leave a comment on mine. How else will people know I am here? Do I want people knowing I am here? Not sure. Maybe it is better if they don't know. The page isn't for them, it's for me... or is it? Not really ready to be noticed yet- and that's alright. But some of you did notice, and thank you-and I noticed you as well.

Over 100 hits!
That means...
You like me!
Right now you really like me!
Sure, the art is mediocre, but the commentary is hilarious.
Anyway,
About a hundred years ago, there was this movie called "Pretty Woman" starring Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. So Julia was this high priced call girl-oops, I mean Julia PORTRAYED a high price call girl. So Richard Gere plucks her off the street and hires her to be his pretend girlfriend for a week. So Julia plays the role of the innocent, virginal girlfriend- going shopping, attending polo matches, etc. But someone is suspicious of who she really is, so Richard Gere ends up betraying her- exposing her life as a call girl. When confronted she is totally caught off guard. She replies, "I can't do this, I can't play your girlfriend when everybody knows the truth about me". She couldn't play both, and neither role accurately represented who she was-sure she was a hooker, but that's what she did- not who she was. Nor was she Richard's girlfriend- at least not yet.
Strangely, I find myself in a similar situation. On FA, I have been playing the role of the free-wheeling prostitute for the past few weeks, convincing myself that I'm while having fun while thrusting my wares at passersby. Off site, I play another role, the role of the innocent, virginal girlfriend, halfheartedly doing the things expected out of me-but it's never good enough. These two roles meet up uneasily in my journal. For a time, I can play both roles convincingly just like Julia. Neither role accurately fits me, and how can I play either role convincingly if exposed? I am a furry- that doesn't mean I belong on FA. While you embrace this call girl, I'm glancing over at my watch, thinking about the next client. Like Julia, I want my fairy tale to come true. But I won't find it here.

Meanwhile the pictures keep coming!

I wanted to write this down sooner, but I haven't been alone in days. I want to remember how this feels. So I have had this web page for over a week and the world has not collapsed on me, at least not yet. I remember my first conversation with some one after I started the page. I felt so self concious and embarrassed, I could barely Look her in the eye. She saw me walking down the street and called me over to say hello. We had a trivial exchange... all the while I was thinking about my secret and how I had taken it to the next level. What was I thinking? I continued my walk trying to calm my self down, trying to reason this out. "Just give it some time" I told my self, hoping to minimize the potential damage done to my concience. " You'll feel differently in a few days". But even as I was working through these feelings, I felt a certain exhilaration preparing to post my "art". Writing gave me an emotional release and I reasoned maybe some one could benefit from my experience. Yes, I have calmed in the past few days as I slowly adjust to the reality of the web page but I wonder what if I get caught? I've already been careless-and I've caught my self downplaying the seriousness of being found out. But the consequences are serious, and I hope I don't act too foolishly. Thank you for visiting.

I was not prepared to start this web page. Mounting problems and frustrations had culminated into a particuliarly miserable evening. I was angry and in a rebellious spirit. Anger can make me do things that fear never would. The next day I worked through my fear and clicked "register". I acted hastily. I wish I had taken more time- that is, time to choose my user name, time to chose my password. But I know if I had taken too much time I would have lost the nerve. I was feeling anxious and was relieved when the account was created. Now I was officially part of the community- a potentially unwise decision for me. No one knew I was here. I could still back out. But I went this far-so I am sharing a piece of my furry soul with you.
I am not a prolific artist, so I will not be churning out stick figures every day. I am not naturally talented but I do have a point of veiw. The relative anonymity of this page allows me to give you a window into my dream.

I knew nothing about the Internet and stumbled around unable to find what I was looking for. I would type a word in to the search engine but nothing relevant came up. Frustrating, but I kept going until found a site called "Baloo Lagoon". This was my gateway to the furry internet world. Sites like "Furnation" and "Cashew Lou's Yukon connection" showed me that the furry world was larger and more sophisticated than I had suspected. For years I was a watcher, shocked that these people felt so free to put even the most questionable artwork on display for anyone to see. And they were actually proud of themselves for doing it. Did they have no conscience? Is this the example they wanted to send to young people?
Who was I to judge them when I had my own secret to keep. My conscience was pained and I learned what was more acceptable for me to look at and what was not. I still wrestle with that. I admired their freedom and wished I felt so free. I was taking my secret to the grave. Still might. Only God and the angels would know. Despite my resolution I dreamed of having my own web page where I could share a corner of my furry world without ostracism or condemnation. But I would never take the risk and I would never have the nerve to do such a foolish thing.

I never went back. I reflected on those twenty life changing minutes on the way home. I went from the heart-pounding exhilaration of possibility to the pleasure of realization then to relief that I was not alone. Then by the end of those twenty minutes... disapointment. Although I felt relieved that I was not alone, I felt disapointed for the same reason. There was nothing so special about me at all. I was just one of the crowd. We all like to feel special. Now that was gone.
I had been drawing pictures. Furry pictures. I would hide them for a while and then tear them up and burn them. I was terrified someone would find them. Still am. Now that I realized other furry artists existed, I yearned to find out what they were doing. These were the days before everyone had a personal computer and internet access. At my work place we got a computer upgrade that gave us access to the internet. I could have gotten into trouble for looking at a non-approved site, but I couldn't resist the temptation.

Then I took my first trip to New York City. Yes, New York City-that bastion of sin and liberalism. I was not prepared for the big city. I walked into a comic book store near Times Square, and in twenty minutes my whole world changed. As I scanned the shelves I quickly realized I was no longer alone. There was a world of furry thought out there that I could hardly have imagined. It was as if someone was reading my mind. I was overwhelmed! And, quite frankly, the more I looked, the more I was disturbed by the contents of some of these furry comics. I left the store empty handed, afraid of being caught with anything so provocative. I bought more Disney comics...

Like many of you, when I was growing up, I knew there was something different about me. In so many ways I was not like the "others". I had "furry" thoughts...no need to explain to you what that means. I knew these thoughts were wrong. Maybe they still are. I thought I had a demon. Maybe I still do. I knew inherently that I could tell no one. Unknowingly, I followed in the steps of many young furry people before me-collecting stuffed animals and Disney toys and comics. It was publically acceptable to display these things-or at least have them in my possession. Having these items may have raised a few eyebrows, but their true meaning seems to have remained a secret. I thought I was the only person on earth who had these thoughts and felt these things. Then...

Where do I begin? Let me begin with my user name "Dreamwindow". It was not my first choice for a user name, of course my first choice was taken. I took a gamble and tried "Dreamwindow", and got it. What do you know, some one already has it on DeviantArt. I'm not surprised. Like so many user names, there is a meaning to it. Derived from a Japanese term, the dream is something private. A window allows us to look through and see the dream... making it public. A seeming contradiction. And yet to a degree this is what this webpage does-and to a larger extent this website as well.