Commission slots are now open! There aren’t gonna be many openings, so be quick before I fill up!
You can find my commission pricing here!

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3892622/

Please send your requests to my Gmail at:

the.neverwolf[at]gmail.com

As well send me your mailing location is case there are any shipping costs!

I can’t wait to see what you guys come up with :D
-Never

Within the next week I’m planning on opening for more commissions! I’m not quite sure how many I want to open for, but I’ll let you know when the time comes!

For now you can see my commission prices here and plan for what you want!

—-> http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3892622/ <—-

Can’t wait to see what you guys got planned for me!

-Never

FIGURINE COMMISSIONS PRICES/b]

What am I able to work on?

Amiibos
Disney Infinity
My Little Pony

What are the pricing guidelines?

Hat/Accessory $40
Simple, single clothing/full body paint $50-70
Multiple, complex clothing/MLP $80-120
Plus Shipping within North America $15-20
*Note that prices vary on the complexity of the designs and can lean either way outside the price ranges

FIGURINE COMMISSIONS ARE OPEN

5 commission slots for figurine modifications are available and I will be accepting commissions based on preference and practicality until all 5 slots are filled

What am I able to work on?

Amiibos
Disney Infinity
My Little Pony

What are the pricing guidelines?

Hat/Accessory $40
Simple, single clothing/full body paint $50-70
Multiple, complex clothing/MLP $80-120
Plus Shipping within North America $15-20
*Note that prices vary on the complexity of the designs and can lean either way outside the price ranges

PAYPAL ONLY PLEASE

Please send your commission requests, describing in detail what you would like, to my email at the.neverwolf@gmail.com and I’ll get back to you with a responce and a quote and then details from there.

Please do NOT apply for a commission slot if you will not be available to receive my quote/respond to questions/pay for your piece.

If you have any questions regarding commissions, don’t be afraid to ask and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

Thank you for looking and can’t wait to see what you guys send in! :)

-Never

Commission Pricing

Badges $65
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16238038/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/15355947/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16222594/

Sketches $50 per character
https://twitter.com/TheNeverwolf/st.....72226460164101
https://twitter.com/TheNeverwolf/st.....05773785501700

Shaded Drawing $100 per character
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/23327272/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/29906996/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/29326197/

Coloured Marker/Pencil Crayon OR watercolour/acrylic $150 per character
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/27911474/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/21515403/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/25441334/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/27241640/

Character Sheet $400
Offered in 3 different styles!
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5904930/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/19856131/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8646078/


***Prices vary depending on complexity of characters and background***
***Original character designs cost extra, but I take them very seriously***
***Prices do not include shipping***
***Use of copyrighted characters must be approved by me and the original creators first***

I may be a kinky bastard but here's a list of stuff I won't draw: watersports, scat, rape, inflation, vomit, vore, cub, hard gore, ask me if you're unsure about anything else


That's ladies and gentlefurs, you can confirm that awesome feeling in your gutt is indeed ce gloriaused by the glouriousness that is the day of my birth.

YOU'RE

WELCOME!

Funt Fact: the day of my birth, July 14, 1989 is also exactly 200 years after the first day ofand the French Revolution, also known Bastille Day (It's a big thing in France). So go punch a prison guard, raid an aristocrat house and eat some damn cake! That's all Marie Antoinette was saying with "Let them eat cake" she was just predicting the day on my birth :D Wasn't that obvious?!

Again, you're welcome ;D

-Never

OK so this review is suuuuuuuuuper late. I've been pushing back my reviews so I could work on my artwork of AC. Since that makes me money and this doesn't....yet, then art gets the highest priority.
I am going to be skipping the Men in Black review and Snow White simply cause I don't have the time. But id give MIB3 a **1/2 for having actual heart in the story a couple good jokes and aliens but not much else and Snow White and the Huntsman gets *** for real effort, absolutely gorgeous visuals and effects, great villain, but confused narrative and heros that seemed to get flatter as the movie goes. I would still love to see more movies like Snow White because this is how fairy tales were originally meant to be told.

I will still be writing a review for Prometheus and then Brave so look out for those!

Tell me what you thought of the movie and the review in the comments! Do it or your destroyer is fucked! That's what she said?

---

Battleship
*½

The Hasbro toy company now has their very own studio production logo. Be afraid my fellow readers, be very... afraid. To those who are unfamiliar of the times that the appearance of a CD on screen looked seemed like the first wheel to the cavemen. Product placement in movies and television and even video games did not exist in the modern sense until 1985’s The Goonies when Corey Feldman took a drink from a can of Pepsi. Thankfully he resisted the urge to turn to the camera and give a poster child smile and twinkle. The thing is that The Goonies also has pirates, bandits, the truffle shuffle and the physics defying “pincers of power”; so its marketing sellout is well looked over. Battleship on the other hand keeps kick ass Jedi-Lion Jesus amongst men Liam Neeson on one side of a glass wall, while sub-par Han Sol- I mean John Carter, gets to play with all of Neeson’s army toys.

If you’re going to want to enjoy Battleship, then you’re either need to be as drunk as the movie’s director or dilute your brain in a bucket Coca-cola (now available in six packs!) for a day or two. It’s not even five minutes in when there is already a massive plot hole regarding the origins of these aliens. I wish they would’ve stayed where they came from because these are some of the worst looking alien designs I have ever seen. They build up to what these aliens look like by concealing them in armour ripped off from Haze, which is already a rip off of Halo. So of course, when you see under their helmets, of course the previous build up is going to be a complete rip because pasty ‘Under da Sea’ beatniks made from Spam should always just stick to radio. Given their confusing motives and baffling modes of transportation, I don’t even know how they could have ever mastered space travel. The inclusion of real military tactics in the aliens, mainly the minimalizing of civilian casualties, tries to set up the aliens as complex beings, but really it’s just showing that they don’t know how to prioritize. I as well have never heard of an alien ship that can travel through space but then can only hover over water and proceed to travel around by flopping like a dainty humpback whale. Wait now, I could just be being unfair, maybe the studio had some extra money left over and just wanted to show more water effects. It’s a good thing they saved all that money that was gonna go into the writing department. Oh right, I forgot to mention, SPOILER WARNING, but it`s not like you`re gonna go see anyways. I wish a majority of my brain cells had died before seeing this movie because then I wouldn’t be constantly thinking of how Experiment 626, also known as Disney`s Stitch, is a much more threatening alien than any of these super soaker adds.

If you’re wondering why I haven’t mentioned any of the actors or human characters yet, it’s because the only interesting thing to happen to them is the quest for the chicken burrito. I know that the writers and director were trying to create unique and memorable characters, but in the end I just didn’t care about any of them. In fact I think the only reason they have aliens in a movie called Battleship, where they could have easily just told a historical war story, is so producers can avoid any sort of human conflict that might arise from class or race. Strangely enough though, it seemed to draw even more attention to the racial profiling issue by tiptoeing around it than it would have if it had addressed it directly. Bunch of American and Japanese navy recruits have a friendly game of soccer not too far from Pearl Harbour and then dropping that name many times after. The Americans then work with the Japanese as if history never happened and then even call the Japanese military techniques “sneaky” (face palm). I’m not trying to debase the Japanese or their culture, but if you’re going to include the race card, then play it by address it. It`s worse when you act like you can’t smell the fart from a sickly dog and decide to stay in the same room because you don`t want offend it.

Oddly enough though, these aren’t even the biggest sins that Battleship commits. For a movie based exclusively around a children’s toy it doesn’t even market it well. Granted when the movie actually finds a clever way of writing in the Battleship game, it does make for a real intense scene, but that’s only for at most ten minutes of the movie. After that we’re back to beatniks inserting their hard pegs into the ship’s bowels, causing them to explode with powerful force... seamen scattering everywhere... what was I talking about again? Well this movie does do a great job of immersing its audience into its world. There were at least three times I actually forgot I was watching a movie about a children’s board game and actually thought I was instead watching navy recruit video. You can literally put the words ‘JOIN THE NAVY MOTHERFUCKER’ and it would seem totally appropriate. But hey, at least they show an accurate depiction of what it’s like to be in the military. The air force totally blows up alien ships in perfect Snow Birds formation, right? (That’s the Blue Angels for my American friends). Well they give them the recruits the respect they deserve right? Of course they do, that’s why they have that previously mentioned game of soccer with a bunch of seamen at naval event called RIMPAC. And no, they don’t even say the line, because, you know, that would mean the American military would have to show a miniscule amount of weakness, at fucking Pearl Harbour!

Sor far this is the hardest review I've had to write. Due to set backs with art projects and having to deal with a movie that has no real clear guidance of analysis it has been, for lack of a better word, stressful. Also I didn't have the luxery of my editor so forgive me if this review seems stupider than usual. I may get it edited later, but for now I have to deal with Battleship so I'm gonna post it anyways.

As Always tell me what you think of the movie and the review in the comments below! And I know you will cause you're cool! ;D

---

Dark Shadows
**

Running from the late 1960s to the early 1970s, Dark Shadows was originally just another daytime TV soap opera revolving around the Collins family as they skulk around their dark gothic mansion keeping secrets from one another. The show took a strange turn when the new ‘central’ character (it is a soap opera after all) of Barnabus Collins was found out, with no hint whatsoever, to be an ancestral vampire. Then the show began to add other gothic supernatural elements, much like a web comic that’s trying too hard. But unlike web comics, this odd turn found an unexpected large audience of school children that took a fancy to the show’s campy, melodramatic characters and story. And low and behold the oddest pop culture phenomenon was born; it was the internet meme of its time (I still don't get those). A few of those fans grew up and came to work in Hollywood, including Tim Burton, Johnny Depp and Michelle Pfeiffer, and the show finally gets its big budget film adaptation. Unfortunately the movie also casts its own massive shadow.

Ask anyone who has met me and they’ll be able to tell you that I’m a huge Tim Burton fan. But don’t think this review is going to be full of biases because I just find that being a fan of someone just makes me more aware of their products. While not all of Burton’s projects are hits, he’s never had any complete misses in his career either. There’s always some sort of redeeming factor in his films that any critic has to admit is worth seeing, mostly in the visual department of course, after all this is the guy with troll doll emo hair. Dark Shadows doesn’t keep this a secret as it is easily the best looking movie to come out this year so far. The depiction of the 1970’s is the best I’ve seen in a long time and the contrasting humour with Barnabus’s gothic routes makes the setting all the more alien and intriguing. To see Barnabus’s confused interaction is like watching a puppy trying to walk on hot pavement, awww he just doesn’t get it. Eva Green as Angelica the witch does a great job at being one of the most determined and malicious ex-girlfriends seen on screen and gives new meaning to the term, “home wrecker.” In fact all the actors do a great job in their character portrayal and it’s nice to see everyone let loose and just have fun with their roles. And sure the cosmetics look like the make-up artist and a wedding caterer mistakenly switched shifts but I love that kind of effect as it gives so more expression than other styles. This is also one of Danny Elfman’s best score pieces. Combining his trademarked ‘woos’ with 70’s rock seems strange but it’s as oddly fitting as the Collin’s family.

Unfortunately the movie doesn’t seem to be able to decide on what tone or theme it wants to role with and so it just ends up being just as schizophrenic as the Collin’s family. While the 70’s atmosphere is just as immersing as a bean bag chair, the tone always seems to want to yank you out of it. Barnabus can honestly say that he loves you and then tear out your throat at the slightest gurgle of his stomach. That moment could even be perceived as funny, but instead the producers went for disturbing. The movie as well keeps on setting up interesting jokes and scenes and you think the movie is going to start rolling, but they rarely do anything with them. And when you’re a fan of Tim Burton, it’s like going to a party with a person who has short term memory loss and keeps on trying to tell humorous antidotes, really everyone ends up just feeling embarrassed. The movie also keeps strongly reminding on its message of family, but it doesn’t do much with it other than to have it serve as a guilty reminder. The audience keeps on being told about the characters’ developments and their interaction between each other but we rarely see it. How does the audience know if they’re telling the truth or not then? For the amount of characters and secrets this movie has it really shows how this is intended for TV. By touching on so many stories and themes the movie’s complexity just ends up as simplicity.

The ending of Dark Shadows implies that it REALLY wants to have a sequel and though it will never get one, I would be really interested in seeing it. When everyone’s secrets gets out in the open and they are no longer acting repressed, it becomes outrageously entertaining and would’ve caught that humorous spark that other Burton films had, like Sleepy Hollow. If the movie started in medias res instead of being an origin story it could’ve been a much stronger film since no one would be tip toeing around others like spy vs. spy. Even if the movie did it completely over the top melodramatic like the show instead of always trying for jokes it’d be even more entertaining than its soap opera routes. When the movie embraces its absurd gothic nature it becomes exhilarating, but it doesn’t really figure that out fully until last damn ten minutes of the movie. It really makes me wonder why they didn’t do that for the entire movie. I guess Barnabus will never really be broken of the Collins family curse.

My God this has been a long time waiting and it's fucking here!
This review took longer than I expected to finish but i think its well worth it, much like the movie :) So here it is, spoiler free and for your fan boy pleasure. And anything in here you might think of saying is a spoiler doesn't mattr compared to everything else tha happens in this movie.

Leave a comment on what you think of this review and what you think of the movie. It's awesome right?! :D

---

The Avengers
*** ½

It all started when matrix pirate Samuel L. Jackson said, “I’d like to talk to you about The Avengers Initiative,” and every pimply, spitting, social reject went into heated frenzy of excitement and panic. There is excitement in the announcement of a multi-continuity driven movie series that will ultimately lead to an Avengers movie. Also panic in that the movie will never be made according to their exact specifications. Since the ending of the Iron Man movie almost five years ago, The Avengers has become one of the most expensive and longest running advertisement schemes in film history. It spawns five movies, spending almost eight hundred million in budget, and raising the hopes of every fan boy in the world. Needless to say, even though the previous movies were consistently good, if The Avengers didn’t pay off the way everyone expects then all that effort would’ve been for naught, much like taking a tropical vacation with J.J. Abrams. Against all my cynical barriers of protection I am very giddily able to report that Marvel’s The Avengers delivers everything it promises in very flashy superhero colours. This is a movie event like no other, witnessing separate characters coming together in a single cohesive continuity driven universe in one massive film is harder to describe than Helen Keller describing an ecstasy trip... I think surreal is the word I’m looking for.

Given how many characters there are in this sprawling production, I was expecting this movie to be spread more thinly than a dietician on a Roland Emmerich celery jam diet. Thank God for the king of nerds! This disaster waiting to happen is saved by cult favourite writer and director Joss Whedon, who really deserves more than his demonic title... even though it definitely suits him. The guy’s skill with creating human characters out of inhuman-like beings makes me wonder if he did at all sell his soul to Satan, Kali Mah, or whoever to obtain this unbelievable skill. Though given the number of characters and time restraints this movie has, it doesn’t have the most deep character development but it puts in just the right amount so that all the characters can get their moment in the spotlight. When a scene has Captain America in it, it’s about Captain America, and when it has Black Widow, it’s about Black Widow; it’s like a Miss Ego pageant. I actually find it REALLY hard to choose who’s my favourite Avenger is now, but I suppose I’d have to succumb to Thor’s elegant billowing chest again. But for best comeback, the award has to go the Hulk as Mark Ruffalo delivers the performance we’ve all given up on seeing.

All the characters are so cleverly constructed that you don’t even have to see the previous movies to get what’s going on, though it does help a lot if you want the full experience, and you DO want the full experience. Everyone’s interaction with each other is exactly what you hope for in an Avenger’s movie, conflicting without being bitchy and when they conflict boy do they duke it out. They relieve more tension than a military general hockey dad on Viagra. The best thing though is that when crap gets real, they actually do the realistic, human thing and put aside their differences to kick a ton of ass and you know, try to save the world. The Avengers also has the introduction of Agent Maria Hill who is designated to pretty much say, “I’m here to give exposition, kick ass and to show character and I’m aaaall out of character.” I do also wish that Loki has a bit more development as a villain as he is arguably the best villain out of the entire Avenger series and his motives seemed to be coasting solely from the Thor movie and so I would’ve like to see his character broadened more. Loki can be said that he’s just the set up for the villain of the next Avenger movie and there will be one because the inevitable end credit scene almost made me pee with excitement, but that could’ve also been the massive rum and coke I downed in two hours.

A problem with having five other movies setting up to one big movie is that the last movie seems to be paced like a TV show. This means that it doesn’t have much of a first act because all the character has already been established. This is the same problem that the very last Harry Potter movie had in that if you don’t watch the previous movie right before, a lot of things can feel rushed and there’s not much time before ‘the call’ part of the narrative is initiated. The Avengers did do a better job than Harry Potter did though. Some may say that the past five movies were the first act and to that I say screw you since every movie in a series should be able to stand on its own and when there’s a clear three act structure you can’t say the third act counts as the next first act. That’s like saying an afterglow also counts as foreplay. I may be really nitpicking here more than OCD mountain climber but after wasting my time with five end credit teasers, I reserve the right to be. Don’t get me wrong, I want to give this movie a full four stars and Whedon my complete fan boy submission, but after so much hype I want to just give a bit more incentive for the next movie.

What The Avengers falls short on, it greatly makes up for what it excels at. It has a great sense of humour with its superhero team, much like a bunch of work buddies going out on a pub crawl, complete with brawls, jests and the works. While this movie can look very silly at times with its eccentric comic book style, it’s also very refreshing to see a superhero movie embrace its absurdity, especially in the very, very end. On top of being funny The Avengers is also very smart and realizes the theme of its comic origins. The Avengers is all about continuity. They reference each others’ stories and characters to show how they relate to the relevant plot, which makes the movie feel incredibly massive in its unique terms. This continuity leads up to a fantastically choreographed fighting sequence that shows just how every single person contributes to the fight and the team. And better yet the theme of continuity does expand itself to the virtue of teamwork that is more appropriate and well constructed than one hundred Mighty Ducks rip offs. The Avengers is a pure achievement and landmark of cinema that will leave you giddy and cheering for more!

Mini Reviews and Titanic 3D

Terminator 2 ****

Really, what can I say about this movie that hasn’t already been said? The bass ass terminator from the first movie is now turned into the lovable good ass, spreading the best of 90’s catch phrases. Sarah Connor becomes a more believable bad ass than any video game chick with any size push up bra. And the T-1000 is responsible for 1000 children’s nightmares, what else is better than that? Perhaps throw in themes about parenthood and feminism, a progression of Sarah Connor becoming her own terminator and the realization that walking punching bags make for some of the best action scenes ever and you got one of the best unplanned sequels ever! *sniff* Thumbs up to you too Arnie, thumbs up.

The Fly ***

Imagine your standard modern werewolf movie, like Cursed, and replace the wolf with a fly and that’s pretty much the movie. Sounds boring, but this movie gets kudos for, being a thoughtful sci-fi piece, having outstanding makeup and Jeff Goldblum hilariously trying to act like a fly. The script is very smart and has well enough-paced suspense, with a lot to say about a scientist’s relation to their work, but not much to say about the supporting characters. Oh and if abortions weren’t unsettling to you before... they will be now... *shudders.*

Labyrinth ***

Directed by Jim Henson. Just by that statement you know right away that this movie is going to have two things: muppets and clever dialogue. The issues with script, pacing, editing, acting are easily made up with charming, inventive, and funny characters, and original story, all around great direction and 80’s hair styles. And if you’re looking for a nostalgic drinking game, every time someone mentions something about friendship you take a shot and you’ll be more smashed than a GM electric car. Jim Henson has created another title for the ages and the best advertisement Fushigi could ask for.

American Psycho **

I don’t get why so many people find this movie amazing, it’s average at best. Yes it can be funny, in the sense of just how ridiculous it can be and it has a good theme of how anyone can be a serial killer and no one would even know it. But the movie constantly runs only on that one theme for a hundred minutes and never broadens it; it’s like listening to a new Nickelback album. Also there’s no method, reason, or consistency to Christian Bales murders and therefore there’s no real understanding or investment of the character. The movie does make me care about the ones who do get an ax in their head and actually has a realistic depiction of Bruce Wayne if the joker won, so it gets points for that.

Titanic 3D ****

What I love the most about this re-release is that just about everyone I encounter starts smugly complaining how this is just another shameless cash grab for James Cameron. Then I get to say that it’s not a cash grab, they’re re-releasing it to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the ship you insensitive prick. It brings me much joy when they shut up and walk away in defeat after that. Though yes, it is an excuse for a cash grab for the studio, but it isn’t for James Cameron. The Titanic itself is just his really, really, really expensive hobby that he fluked out on by apparently making the once most profited movie ever. He gets picked on though because he’s beaten his own record with Avatar and is indecently just really good at making money and everyone just hates anything that’s popular just so they can look smarter than the average bear. His intentions with this movie though have always and still are pure. The character arc of Brock Lovett (Bill Paxton) is basically Cameron’s own journey in researching the ship.

As for the 3D, don’t think that it’s not another cheap gimmick that’ll steal another few bucks from your pocket like so many other converted 3D movies. There was a lot of care and attention put into this upgrade so that it can look the best it possibly can. There are barely any frames where the 3D effect wasn’t implemented in some way; even the pointless out of focus stuff is given more depth than any transformer. This fifteen-year-old, converted 3D movie actually looks better than most modern movies that were always intended to be in 3D. There is no doubt that if he had the technology, Cameron would’ve definitely made this movie in 3D in the first place, because he doesn’t love money, he loves technology.

I don’t mind the people who never liked the movie in the first place as they have their own reasons. What I do mind is the people who did like the movie and have now changed their opinions, calling it cheesy and overrated. First off, it is not overrated, it is an achievement in cinematic production that no one had seen like it before and present audiences are just spoiled now. Secondly, after fifteen years, has is become cheesy? Yes, I’ll agree to that, but that doesn’t make it flawed. Would you say that Casablanca, The Man with No Name Trilogy, and Psycho are worse movies, just because they’ve become dated? No! They were the first ones to do what they did and everyone else copied them because it was good and then that becomes the norm and therefore the clichéd and Titanic just fell under those circumstances. Titanic is a classic and a damn good one at that, so you better get used to it. As for that accursed song, yes it is annoying now, but... I love annoying people.

What I find is that when people think of the most ironically named ship in history, they always think of it as a big boat that hit a block of ice on its maiden voyage and sank. I find it odd that almost everyone thinks only of the ship and never of the people, the 1,500 people that died in just over two hours. Most of them were not wealthy aristocrats, but just ordinary people who dreamed of starting a new life. The greatest achievement Cameron made with this film is that he makes you remember and care about the people on that ship. By presenting only glimpses of them and having Rose and Jack as broad representations of all of them, Cameron is able to communicate aspirations, class conflict, and tragedy on a massive emotional scale. It’s difficult to think of another event in history that is as tragic as the Titanic in the purest sense of tragedy. There is no natural cause, like the volcano in Pompeii, or diabolical ploy, like September 11th, with the Holocaust being the exception (though they ARE still tragic, I’m just speaking in a personally strict artistic definition). There is only pure human error, with no one or anything else to blame but complete human hubris in every sense of the word. It is the Oedipus Rex complex, there is no person to blame but one’s self and that is pure tragedy. Titanic is a pivot point for all modern tragedies that is mimicked but rarely replicated. That is why it feels so annoyingly cliché, it doesn’t follow a formula it IS the formula and should never be ridiculed for it.

And yes I did cry... three times... both times.

I thought it was gonna take a LOT longer than this to have my first perfectly rated movie, but here t is! My inner hipster was relly clawing at me for a long time to to give it half a star less, but really this movie wasn't made for prentiousness.

Also, given the nature of the movie. I try my best to not give any spoilers so, as a precaution, any spoilers in the slightes will be marked with a Spl denoting when it starts and when it finishes. But even if you read them it should have no effect regarding your enjoyment of The Cabin in the Woods. :)

As always tell me what you think of this review and the movie itself in the comments below! :)

---

The Cabin in the Woods

****

In my years of watching movies, I have come to determine that there are three different types of good horror movies. First off there’s the most popular style where it has a strong emphasis on story and character that doesn’t necessarily disembowel only your guts, but instead goes primarily for your brains. That would be your Psycho, The Sixth Sense, and Black Swan. Then there are the ones with camera shy boogie men that act like the goth kid wanting to ask the popular kid out on a date, unknowing that both have VERY different opinions on what dates consist of. That would be your Blair Witch Project. Then there are the ones where it’s the drunken boogie men taking a joy ride through the suburbs, laughing and congratulating each other on who can create the most mess with the passing bystanders. That’ll be your Evil Dead 2, where it’s terrifying for everyone losing their blood, but hilarious for everyone who isn’t and that includes the audience. When I saw the trailer I didn’t know what to make of this movie as it seemed like another stupid senseless slasher movie mixed with Hostel if it had a bigger budget. So you can say that I am very Very VERY happy to say that The Cabin in the Woods falls into the Evil Dead 2 category and Sam Raimi would be proud to the point of tears. This is the movie that maniacal laughs are made of people and it feels great to let it out.

The script is written by cult favourite Joss Whedon and freshman director Drew Goddard (Cloverfield) which is what made me want to see the movie in the first place. Even though I’ve never seen any of Whedon’s work until now I knew that he had a show that was cancelled by the Fox network so therefore I was confident enough to know that he creates good work. The story consists of Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and the black guy travelling in their van to go to a secluded cabin for the weekend. Low and behold before you can say , “ZOINKS!” they’ve set themselves up with some iffy house guests with a very reverse interpretation of personal bubbles. If you think you’re going to be able to sing along then you’re just going to embarrass yourself in front of the music class and if you’re able to figure out what’s going on then shut up you’ll ruin it for the rest of us! It’s no secret that there are people behind the scenes manipulating the carnage. Even if you figure out the secrets, which is not hard for properly working humans, you’ll still have a ton of fun. It’s not why these people are doing it, but how?

Spl The basic premise of the movie is that it answers the question of why does every horror movie’s storyline exist and why are they so cliche?Spl This is not just another standard horror movie; it is a tribute horror movie. It takes pride in how predictable it is and then will throw a wicked smirk every time it throws in a twist that makes you want to have its demon babies. This is probably the best tribute movie since Hot Fuzz or Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World and is just as quotable. Though this is not just for fans of horror but any lover of film will get something out of this, like The Beatles is to music but only more delightfully shameful. All the actors are as fantastic as the script. Fran Kranz however absolutely steals every single scene he’s in and is easily the most likable character since Thor’s chest. Spl Speaking of which the only complaint that I have is that the way the movie was going with its humour I was expecting Chris Hemsworth to whip out his goods instead of the girl. I was about to dock this movie half a point for that but when she gets to act sexy, she is... very... sexy.Spl Everything continuously keeps getting more and more enjoyable and they never slow down for a second, all the way up to the refreshingly hellish fantastic ending. Spl The third act of this movie is seriously every B, horror, monster movie fan’s wet dream come true and we all, including myself, left the theatre walking very awkwardly.Spl

I could go on and on about the movie’s subtle themes that make it one of the smartest movies of the year so far and my newest intellectually raunchy late night quickie, but for the sake of spoilers I won’t. The Cabin in the Woods knows it’s not a Palme d’Or and instead favours for just taking the audience on the most absurd and entertaining ride they’ve ever been on. Just imagine that you’re riding your most favourite roller coaster in the world and then give it the theme of Scooby Doo as if written by Steven King, only with a more plausible ending; right there you got The Cabin in the Woods. It’s a tremendous build up as you’re climbing up the rails and the first drop has you screaming with excitement. Then you just enjoy the ride with every scary drop and fun twist it has to offer while laughing after every scream along the way. When it’s all done, just like any good ride, it’ll leave you smiling and you won’t be able to wait to go for another ride on that monster. And you didn’t even throw up! Good for you!

leave your comments of this review and what you thought of the movie in the comments below! :)

---

Wrath of the Titans
*1/2

You know what makes me happier than being in a box full of chocolate puppies? When Hollywood thinks that a decent attendance to an average movie warrants a sequel. God I wish text could communicate sarcasm. The first Clash of the Titans, a remake of the 1981 cult classic, was an average movie with decent enough characters and offered some cool monster designs and sets. Then they threw on some crappy 3D and everything looked like cardboard cut-outs being operated by a stage techie and the characters felt just as flat as the cardboard. But if it was on TV and I didn’t want to go give sponge baths to underprivileged leper ridden seniors, yeah I would watch it. I like a giant tentacle monster as much as the next Japanese. But weary of the rushed sequel stink-hole the only reason I actually saw this movie was that I know that the world will never get to see a God of War movie. Plus I don’t own a Play Station so this is pretty much my only chance to see anything like God of War. After I saw it, I realized how much I need a Play Station and that everyone should just play God of War instead of seeing this movie. Take God of War, bury it the ground for three months, dig it back up, throw on an 80’s mullet and there you have your rotting, dirty, ugly zombie of a franchise.

The story continues off from the last and follows Perseus (Sam Worthington) as he has now settled down with his son and now pursues a quiet life as a fisherman and before you can say characterization, Zeus (Liam Neeson) calls onto Perseus to help in the struggle to contain the Gods’ father Kronos in the prison of Tartarus. Perseus rejects but oh no, the refusal of the call won’t stop this plot from moving. The action quickly comes to him and he must now set out on his fetch quest to find the weapons to defeat Kronos, the mandatory sequel comic relief and some working scissors to cut everyone’s hair. Seriously I can now forgive Worthington’s mullet once I saw that I could least see his face and the others from under their Cast Away hair. It’s like there was a celebrity barber strike between since the last movie and Sam Worthington just planned ahead. It also seems that everyone has lost or changed what little character they got from the last movie in order to cut right to the action. What’s most sad is that the Gods no longer act like the sleazy, self righteous, morally ambiguous bastards like they should and did act in the last movie and now just take the role of Dumbledore and Voldemort, but nowhere near as awesome or stylish.

The monsters are the one thing that this movie had going for it and really the only thing I wanted to see and the movie could barely even give me that. The monsters only seem to be in the movie in order to offer fan service to Greek mythology buffs like me, but as soon as they enter the scene they pretty much leave as quickly as they came. Plus the majority of the monsters look like the fan service was given by Steven Tyler without his daily dose of Botox injections. Plus there was no build up to these creatures. I doubt that anyone who hasn’t done any research on this movie or Greek mythology will know what the Hell they’re seeing. At least the first movie gave a name and a quick exposition line. It actually becomes a chore to see what they look like as every time they seem to be setting up a money shot, they throw dirt all over it and obscure it from vision. And director Jonathan Liebesman (Battle L.A.) is way too fond of the hand held camera, which does not work for films with grand spectacles. In fact the best visual moments of the movie are when the frantic hyper-active camera holds still for two damn seconds to get the big money shots.

The movie does have some decent moments, like the relationship between Voldemort and the God on Earth Liam Neeson and it builds up to them rocking their fake beards and owning a battlefield with their Jedi powers. Bill Nighy as Hephaestus is fun and seems to be the only one who gets that he’s in a cheesy throw away sequel, but then he’s gone before we can really start to enjoy him. It actually seems like anything good in this movie gets cut off before it can really get going or doesn’t end in any satisfactory way much like my sex life.

This seems like a movie where I’d have much more fun putting it on mute and then dubbing in everyone’s dialogue. At least then everyone would have an excuse for acting like they did in the movie, especially Ares. I can’t believe that the film makers made the actual god of war a complete pussy with daddy issues and throws what he thinks is manly equivalent of a teenage tantrum. For those of you who don’t know, Ares is a son of Zeus and I don’t know why he had such a big problem with Perseus when Zeus is known to have more kids than a family on welfare, some of which were even gods! Maybe he didn’t pick a fight with Athena because he always looked like he was 5 lines away from having a happy slap fight. Also why if there’s going to be this big cataclysmic event that only four gods are brought in on this? There are more Gods and demigods in Greece than there were sodomites and they only got four gods and two of them are known assholes?! The original Greek myths were like the first comic book series, with heroes, superheroes and continuity and they actually tried to make coherent sense of everything. But this is what happens when a bunch of mythological figurines and dirt are put into a bin and then thrown in the audiences face. Yeah the 3D upgrade is nice, but it only has so much amusement before you realize that the movie has no intention of cleaning up the extra incomprehensible mess it just left of the floor.

I've decided to start leaving ratings for the movie I review. Even though I personally believe that worhtiness of a movie is based on personal opinion and and with some sort of algibriac equation, people like scores. So this is a business decision. So I'm going to rate these with the norm 4 star rating that all critics use.

Please leave your comments and own reviews on the bottom! :)

---

The Hunger Games

***1/2

Ho-ly crap. I can't remember the last time I felt that continuously tense during a movie and for a good few hours after it was all resolved and over, my stomach still felt more twisted than a pretzel in a yoga class (that's a lame joke i know). I liked this movie. So much so that I saw it again on the same day, but of course I got my movies for free so I didn’t really need to think much about it. Often when a movie has the amount of hype that this movie clearly has it usually has a very underwhelming payoff. I am very happy to say however, that this is one of the few instances where the payoff is better than the hype. I haven’t been this shocked and engrossed in watching the actions of people since a Target opening on Black Friday.

Written by Suzanne Collins and published in 2008, The Hunger Games takes place in a dystopian future where 12 districts are forced to send one young male and female to compete in the annual Hunger Games. Where they will fight to the death and the lone survivor will be showered in riches. This is to be acted as a penance towards the Capitol for the rebellion against them. The story plays out like Battle Royal meets the Greek myth of Theseus. Which makes it like the tasty butter on the bread. Before you can say “who would agree to this idea?” Katniss Everdeen, played be Academy Award nominated Jenifer Lawrence, and Peeta Mellark, played by Josh Hutcherson, are selected to represent their district and are dragged off to the Capitol. Where everyone is so glammed up it would make a drag queen go WTF?! Then for the aristocrats own amusement, the kids are put into the Truman Show dome to hack each other to death, it's nice they found a use for that after the show was cancelled.

I have been hearing of talk before this movie came out that with the success of the books and hopefully the movie that this is going to be the new Harry Potter. I highly doubt that, but I can see what they mean. After all they both are about teenagers that are forced by competent adults to partake in potentially lethal activities by means of pointy sticks. In reality, Harry Potter had 7 books, 8 movies, a theme park and so much merchandise that it would make a hoarder go “That’s a bit much.” The Hunger Games only has 3 books, possibly 4 movies and I doubt anyone would want a ride where only 1 out of the 24 passengers are allowed to leave or buy district 12’s brand name children’s blood. But The Hunger Games is a LOT more worthy to fill that hole rather than the smouldering angsty vampire tripe that passes off for existing these days.

The movie does a great job at creating its distinction between the two worlds where the underdog districts have the bigger heart, but are kept down by the Romanesque aristocrats that are lavish to the point of hollowness. I for one loved the camera work as it captures the emotion of the characters and the different environments that they are put into. Accompanied by a great score by James Newton Howard it makes this a particularity haunting spectacle. All the actors, especially Lawrence, bring their A game for this movie. There was not one moment where I didn’t like looking at her face as every expression captures the true emotional impact of her situation. Her handling of the situation is much more admirable than some of the other female role models that infest the young female population today (having two guys beg for you isn’t a real problem Bella!). She also gives one of my favourite ‘like a boss’ moments ever. She made me laugh, she made me cry and she kept me on the edge of my seat the entire time. They also dealt with the gore in this movie very well. I would call it having a hard PG rating and I didn’t even know that existed.

What the movie lacks in is that the basic plot makes it more predictable than if Pokémon was cast with OCD patients. Since the plot calls for only one out of the 24 tributes to survive, you can guess who’s going to live, who’s going to die, where the ancient buried treasure is and where Carmen Sandiego really is. Therefore it left me feeling that this movie would’ve been something truly remarkable if it just had a few more plot twists. The movie still does a great job of developing the characters it needs to and emphasizing the cruelty and desperation of their situation that when they do croak there’s real weight to it. I’ve also heard some people complaining about it having some plot holes or tactical errors in this movie, but I’ve never had a problem with that. The movie does explain everything that needs to be explained, you just have to pay attention. As for the tactical errors, all of those complaints came from Call of Duty fans in my experience, to which I say one, that’s explained in the movie as well and two, you’re the reason why we can’t have nice things! The CGI is as well pretty dodgy, but I found that excusable when I realized that I’m watching a fantasy where there’s a city filled with Bozo the Clown’s fan boys.

Altogether, this is a very, very good movie that is only getting bashed on because people want to look like the smart kid that’s too good for this movie (hipster!). Sure this story has been done before. My bitter philosophy now is that it no longer matters if a story is original or not, just as long as it is well told and this movie is very well told. It offers plenty of commentary on the world today, as a good science fiction should. It discusses our own civilization’s fascination with reality TV, watching real people suffer for our own amusement and taking it to the final extreme conclusion. It is as well an inspirational underdog film that not only affects the main individual but the people she represents. The viewers at home are told to no longer conform, but to rebel against their oppressors. Somehow I don’t think this movie would be popular with the one percent on Wall Street.

So I didn't go see a ne movie this past week because I had a big Nazi research essay on due on Monday ad i had to dedicate my time to it and not seeing the bland looking hot guy from 21 Jump Street NOT get hit by an airplane didn't seem worth my time. so what i did do is that after quiting time I flipped through Netflix and watched the movies that I never found the time to watch before and wrote these little mini reviews to maybe persuade some people to watch or not watch some older titles. And if you take my advice, maybe one day you can be just as pretentious as me! (not bloody likely)

Leave your comments and opinions below and tell me if you like this mini reviews idea! :)

---

Cube

...Never thought I’d say this but... Saw did it beh... behhhh...behhhtter...i really didn’t want to have to admit that. You can tell the idea of the cube was somebody’s brain child and it really shows, becoming the best part of the movie. But the characters are phoned in, sometimes their decisions don’t make sense and the plot is standard and predictable. It barely stands as science fiction as it doesn’t offer any kind of deeper meaning, just the required contraption. Nothing really special here except a clever set design.

Sixteen Candles

I often forget how good John Hughes was (his earlier career I mean) and this movie is a simple testament to that. This is like the girl’s version of Superbad. It takes place entirely in two days, there’s a big party with lots of drunken antics and lots of teens that just want to make the beast that leaves a vomiting mess. But instead of just being Superbad (with a girl instead) Hughes’ smart script and excellent direction make this a charming, hilarious and memorable world that you won’t want to leave.

The Thing

This is one of the best and most suspenseful monster movies I’ve ever watched. This is not the piss poor 2011 version. This is the awesome 1982 with creature effect that would make WETA Workshop employees disembowel themselves from dishonor. Seriously, I thought I was already desensitised enough from modern media, but when the creature shows up... I was proven very wrong. Fantastic direction, fantastic atmosphere and fantastic pacing makes this movie a must see!

Lord of War

This is one of the few roles that Nicolas Cage was born to play. I said in my Ghost Rider 2 review that Cage is a good actor when he’s working with a director that knows how to channel his eccentricity and this is one of the best examples. The grim and dangerous life of an arms dealer is portrayed as a regular job that someone just has to do. Keep the humor lighthearted and take away the dictators and it’s a standard story of a workaholic and his private life. But the controversial material, the dark humour and one damned good opening credit sequence is what makes this film a must see.

Memento

One of Christopher Nolan’s earlier movies, Memento is about a man with short term memory loss that tries to find the man who murdered his wife. It’s a neat idea that’s executed with a very clever technique. Since it is told from the point of view of a memory loss patient, the entire story is told backwards, so that the audience will only ever know as much as the main character. It is a complex and deep narrative piece that is on par with Nolan’s more popular films and has character reveals that no viewer will be likely to forget (HA! I see what you did there!).

Fried Green Tomatoes

Before you say anything, this movie is not meant for 40-year-old women and old people... well ok it is, but it’s not JUST for them. This movie has pretty much everything you want in a good movie: young death, abusive relationships, good food, KKK, murder, lesbians, sassy fat ladies and one cool ass granny. It’s a feel good inspirational movie that stems from deep hearted drama that makes the viewer remember what the movies can do with some of the most minimalistic and classic techniques. That’s what it is, simple, classic and well worth experiencing.

John Carter

When I first saw the preview for John Carter, my initial reaction was in a word summed up as, convoluted. The trailer opens up and I say to myself. “Ok the movie is like a post civil war western. No wait it’s an apocalyptic fantasy. Why is everyone dressed like they ran through a North American native’s bondage and lingerie shop? And now there are giant mechanical dragonflies. What the hell is that green thing with a rifle and where the hell can I get that guy’s version of moon shoes? For that matter, are we on a different planet, because there are two moons?” I checked out another preview just to see if I can make sense of what I just saw. The only extra information it gave me was basically A Bug’s Life gladiators and everyone bleeds blue blood, so I guess they’re all space royals. So as a viewer I was confused and terrified but I was also very intrigued because it looked different than anything I had seen before. While the visuals and settings are very different to modern audiences and that is refreshing, the movie sadly gets dragged down by just how different it is.

John Carter is based (loosely mind) off the 1917 Edgar Rice Burrows book, A Princess of Mars. Since then the John Carter paperback books have been the foundations of every sci-fi/fantasy story out there. This goes back all the way Avatar, Star Wars, comic book superheroes and even Lord of the Rings. Civil war veteran John Carter is accidentally teleported to the dusty red planet and is taken prisoner by a group tribal alien Spartans that never pulled out their wisdom teeth. Before long, Carter escapes his captivity and encounters a princess who is in desperate need of a hero that can jump around like Nintendo’s Italian plumber. Before now the book was considered to be too big and too complex to be made into a feature film. This was also not helped by the slow advancement of CGI that allowed everyone else’s movies to get ahead of it until Pixar director Andrew Stanton (Finding Nemo and Wall-E) was finally able to take on this arduous task. The last time a movie like this was taken on was in 2009’s Watchmen and it yielded the same kind of result.

When you watch the first 20 minutes of John Carter you’ll find yourself playing a game of spot the minor celebrity that you feel annoyed that you can never remember the name of. The only reason I’m mentioning this is that it stuff like this tends to pull the audience out of the immersion. A movie like this tends to fill itself with gobs of exposition and foreign terms that are more confusing than helpful and further effects the audience’s investment. It’s like if Orson Welles gave his alien invasion broadcast with the detail of a Tolkien book and spoke entirely in German. Movies like Avatar or Star Wars (episodes 4-6) do this well by only giving a little bit of explanation and letting the audience fill in the rest, letting it be magical and scientifically possible at the same time. This exposition also greatly effects the pacing of the film and cuts into the characters’ development time which is only less noticeable due to how basic the characters’ back-stories are, especially John Carter’s. I also never understood why when someone suddenly understands a foreign language, done via convenient plot devices, not all the words are translated, like the planet names, since through logic they should be. What’s that? You say it’s give a sense of exoticness and wonder? Well it’s still hard to get involved in this world when the movie requires me to bring in a Mars to English dictionary.

What is shameful and ironic about the movie coming out so late is that since so many other stories based themselves off Burrows’ original book, the movie ends up looking like it ripped off the movies that initially ripped off Burrows. For instance, Carter is basically Han Solo with a character development that is damn near identical and gains his literally otherworldly superpowers by being from another superior planet, like Superman and the movie looks like the live action version of Heavy Metal without any of the goods hanging out. This could’ve been avoided if it advertised itself as actually being the foundations of every mouth breathing nerd’s wet dream and actually gave hints to future stories like this in the movie.

These downfalls, though disappointing, do not drag the movie completely down and it is saved by its likeable side characters and dazzling visuals. Andrew Stanton’s directing manages to make the movie look great, despite the fact it looks like an assortment of giant picture mosaics of the sides of painted 70’s vans. The action scenes are also quite spectacular; especially one really well choreographed battle that does a great job of showing Carter’s anguished character, what little there is anyways. Characters like the leader of the Tharks (I’m not gonna tell you what that is, I told you should’ve brought a dictionary) are what you go to see the movie for and breathe life back into it. Even the dog-like character that looks like a cross between a pug and a wet potato has its moments, though sometimes it really kills the mood. The movie also has some really funny moments and does a good job at constructing a well designed, functional and dazzling world. It makes me wonder if the movie took itself less seriously and just had fun with its material, it could’ve come out much stronger. As it stands now, it’s still a fun and alluring spectacle that’s entertaining enough, but gets dragged down by its own material. It’s much like making smooth glass orange juice by swallowing the orange whole and choking on it; even if you survive I doubt anyone else would want any.

First off i know this one is longer but i do have more to say about this movie as it does touch on a bigger subject than the movie itself. Also i do not ruin anything in the story that doesn't already happen in the book or is seen in the preview so don't worry.

PLease leave your comments and opinions in the comments :)

---

Dr. Suess’ The Lorax

Published in 1971, Dr. Duess’ The Lorax is considered to be one of the doctor’s more insightful and grim children’s books that still circulates the market. The book concerns a boy who asks a pair of disjointed hands where all the trees have gone and the hands tells about how he and all his hand buddies ignored the pleads of a Viva Piñata beta design and chopped down the trees to make a revolutionary product until nothing was left. What makes the book so notable is that it never punches the child with its environmental message but instead submits them to a slow rising boil of despair until all the colourful charm of Suess’ books are gone, which is a much better and less patronising way of teaching a lesson to kids. So Universal pictures picked up the classic 15 minute children’s story and saw the potential for it to be padded out for an extra 70 minutes and while this is sometimes a negative, I cannot deny the film’s charm saves it from being another tired hippie speech.

Keeping the movie from falling into the pit of completely shameless corporate cash grabs, I’m looking at you Cars 2, the film is lucky enough to have a crew that care about the source material. First time director Kyle Balda, who worked on many of Pixar’s better films, and Chris Renaud, director of Despicable Me, which I thought was charming enough, but lacked the certain insight and wit that say Megamind had. The film pretty much follows the book almost exactly and focuses on 12-year-old Ted (Zac Efron) who searches for the Once-ler (Ed Helms) that will tell the boy his story of the Lorax (Danny DeVito) and where to find a tree so that he can get with Taylor Swift (Audrey). That’s one way to make men care about the environment, just say that every time they plant a tree's seed, they get to plant their own. While everyone in the cast does a good enough job with their voice acting, including first timer Taylor Swift, some voices like DeVito, Helms and Betty White sound disconnected from their characters because they’re so recognisable, but White gets a free pass because she’s made of grandma awesome.

While the extended length of the movie does sometimes make it feel padded, the choices that the film makers made to either change or expand the story/world are actually just as clever as any good science fiction novel. The town that's only depicted in one page of the book is now walled off and detailed to be inhabited by convinced OCDs and financially ruled over by Edna Mode’s obnoxious brother that managed to build a company with his inflation fetish, I hear that market is really booming. But in all seriousness, a town where nothing is made of anything real is constructed quite thoughtfully and make for some inventive visuals and jokes, I particularly found the food quite clever. While many of the characters do their part, but are by no means deep, the real character that the audience will find is the Once-ler as he is the only three dimensional character with a noticeable arc.

Speaking of three dimensions, the animation is great and gives a big effort to expand the world and ideas of the original source. Also this is probably the most beautiful and cutest animated movie that Universal has released yet. Even the destroyed landscape has a quality of awe to it that can only achieved before by watching the Pompeii explosion. Though sometimes Dr. Suess’ illustrations don’t translate well to film, like when a smaller and hairier DeVito grabs his ass and flies away... I don’t even got to make a joke out of that. The actions of the forest critters make up the majority of humour in this movie and are really funny and cute, but they’re basically the minions from Despicable Me in elaborate IMF disguises, seriously they’re exactly the same down to their voice, but they’re still funny. It seems that Universal is already going to milk those mutant Twinkies till they’re left working nights on the corner next to Scrat. This doesn’t stop the donkey from being the most likeable and memorable character with his lovable sarcastic stares that warm my cynical critic heart. The 3Dis notably great, with enough visuals to give a constant sense of depth while never cluttering up the screen, but some scenes seem to only be there to show off the 3D like those window shutters that are too small for the actual wndow.

The movie does pad out the story a great deal and though its never bad but still really noticeable and could live without. The character of Ted would’ve been a lot stronger without the shoehorned love story with Audrey, because his actions to find a tree become more pure and meaningful. Producers seem to think that love stories in movies are like steroids, sure it can add muscle mass, but what’s the point when the audiences testicles pop? I was also really surprised in the including of songs in this movie which are charming and fun, but forgettable and unnecessary. The movie opens and I was caught completely off guard by the singing and felt awkward, like I’m a normal functioning kid that's unbeknownst walking into my first day at the High School Musical. As you might of already noticed that there are a lot of ‘yes, but’ statements in this review, but don’t take that the wrong way as there are a lot more ‘yeses’ than ‘buts’ in this that make for an above average and entertaining movie.

What I will mention before I leave is the subject of subtlety in this film as the movie’s subtlety lies between a wall covered in environmental fliers and Ted Turner chasing you with an ironic chainsaw. The Lorax even comes out at the beginning of the film to flat out tell you that there’s an important message in this film just in case you missed it. Even the Lorax’s pleading to the Once-ler sounds like a pretencious tiny hippie. Well you may say “It’s a kid’s movie and they won’t get that!” and I’ll respond by saying that you’re a bigger idiot than the kid. I’ll admit that I’m not big on kids, but I’ll still give them credit where it’s due and say that they are a lot smarter than adults make them out to be and the message in this movie and the book will not fly over their heads. Therefore the film makers should’ve put more effort into the story and characters rather than the message because as that kid grows up, they’ll be able to appreciate it even more rather than just get the same old movie again. For an example just look no further than Calvin and Hobbes as when I was a kid they were just imaginative boyish adventures and as I got older I realised they were also about the complex emotions of parenting and growing child when said child gets into the medicine cabinet.

As always, please leave your comments about the review or your own thoughts on the movie below :)

---

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

You know this only my fourth review as an indie film critic (hipster glasses) but I can already tell that this is going to be more painful hobby than counting used needles in a paint mixer. It is so painful to see that such a shitty movie like the first Ghost Rider managed to make just enough attendance at the box office to warrant a tentative sequel release. I say tentative because the movie’s budget looks like it was lower than a fat, sweaty teenager’s self esteem on prom night. At first I was going to avoid this movie at all cost, but I heard from other reviews that somehow this movie is WORSE than the previous and I thought that cannot be possible and had to see for myself. Now I come before you standing corrected by Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, now knowing just how far that hole to blockbuster Hell can go.

Nicholas Cage returns as Johnny Blaze (subtle) who is now in hiding from society in Eastern Europe while trying to learn how to control the flaming demonic rider (I can be subtle too) that possesses him and preys upon any sinner. But after Blaze is hired to protect the son of the Devil from a gang of thugs and well... the Devil from performing a ritual that’ll let the Devil fuse with the boy, Blaze must now let the Rider out in order to save humanity. This plot would be fine if it weren’t for the Devil using human thugs instead of the legions of demons at his disposal, it’s like continuously using pawns and never busting out your knights...and you give your queen to the other player! Also why would humans be willing to help the Devil? Isn’t uniting against a common enemy like, I don’t know, the fucking Devil enough reason to put away your coin purse for a second?! I’m pretty sure they don’t accept foreign currency in Hell’s convenience store! As you can see the plot has more holes than an island made of Swiss cheese with a pirate digging for treasure.

This movie had to really try to be worse than the first movie and that’s even what the directorial team, Mark Neveldine and Brain Taylor, seem to be going for. It’s obvious that they are trying to revive the Ghost Rider franchise into having the look and feel of a modern Grindhouse movie, which actually would be a good idea. Would be a good idea if it weren’t for the fact it looks like none of the people on the cast or crew has ever seen a Grindhouse movie. It seems like all their information on B-movies came from listening through a tin can with a broken piece of string. The movie looks more awful than if were to have the realistic flicker of a film reel. The cinematography is trying to go for the gritty realistic look but ends up just slamming your face in the dirt and the Rider drags you behind his bike, so now you’re on fire. Oh and did I mention it’s in 3D? So the dirt and fire has gone past my corneas and into my retinas. Plus the camera’s continuous shaking I’m pretty sure a few of those flaming pebbles got lodged in my...thinking...flesh...thing. Seriously this movie looks so horrible I had to go home and flip through scenes of The Tree of Life, like it was an eye wash station in a chemical waste plant. And except for one good Twinkie joke, every poke at a funny falls flatter than Nicholas Cage’s voice.

My stance on Nicholas Cage’s acting is that he is very hit and miss. He’s good when he’s allowed to have fun with his role while under a competent directorial hand, but this is like watching a lobotomized patient that somehow still suffers from schizophrenia. When he’s trying to resist the Rider from taking over his body, it’s like he’s trying to make baby faces for a baby Tim Burton and even he would find that patronizing. On top of that, everyone else in the movie seems to be in a competition to see who can try to under act Cage’s lobotomized moments. Satan’s baby mama once says, “You know I’m starting to like you,” be careful lady or you just might show an emotion!

On top of everything, the movie is boring! There’s not one memorable kill, action scene or line except for that one joke and the joke has been done before! Somehow the movie makes the Devil seem boring. How do you do that? That’s like failing at shooting yourself in the foot with a warhead and the warhead is glued to your foot! I will say that they do introduce a villain with a cool superpower, but the guidelines to using it are so inconsistent it’s like listening to Beethoven while the conductor is swatting away a bee while on a unicycle.

I know that not every movie needs to be high art, but every movie needs to at least have a purpose for existing and this has no reason to crawl out of the hole it came from. I would’ve gotten more joy from taping a playing card onto a kid’s bike so it flaps on the spokes and then lighting it on fire. I can’t believe that a producer could look at this script and think, “Yep this will save an already dead, buried and forgotten franchise.” The only purpose this movie can have is to offer Green Lantern a place in the line up of worthy superheroes to give the Rider a big flaming skull fuck.

K I've had another thought since my last review. since I am doing this on my own liesure time and not getting paid for this...yet, I am only going to review movies that I want to see. That doesn't mean that I'm not going to review bad movies, like if nothing good comes out and I'm left with no option or I make a misjudgement from a preview. So don't worry you'll get your fill bile filled rants :D Like next weeks review I can't wait >.<

As always please leave comments on what you thought of this movie and this review :)

---

The Secret World of Arriety

First off let’s make one thing clear, I do not like anime. When animation allows for infinite imaginative possibilities to create some of the most stellar scenes ever created, anime relies on cheap static poses and backgrounds and mouths that flap like a Canadian Muppet on South Park. What’s more annoying is how the characters’ eyes wiggle like they want to pop out and take a vacation from their static lives, and the Japanese call this emotion?! And what’s even more annoying is anime’s superfluous talent of giving tons of dialogue but never really saying anything, Hamlet could have negotiated peace between all nations and organised a bitching party to celebrate in the time it takes for one anime character to order a drink and even then Hamlet would’ve been less angsty. And what are even WORSE are the fans, who are some of the most pretentious people I’ve ever met, and I’ve checked and others think this too. The Japanese are not more cultured than other countries; it just looks more foreign than others, the kind that allows for tentacle porn and the stabbing of a baby dolphin in the face. I'm not saying all anime fans are like that but there are more than enough out there. But of course this is just my own personal taste. I’m stating this so when I say that The Secret World of Arriety is a good and beautifully animated movie, you better believe I mean it.

The Secret World of Arriety is another product of Japanese animation company, Studio Ghibli, the makers of Howl’s Moving Castle and Spirited Away. Since Disney owns all the rights to the internationally distributed Ghibli films, you can say that they’re a Japanese Pixar meaning that they do their own thing while Disney takes all the credit, those clever Mickey Mouse cooperates. Based on the series of books The Borrowers, the film is about Arriety and her family who are borrowers, tiny people so live under a house and “borrow” things from said house in order to survive and only take things that are never missed by the people of the house. I couldn’t help but feel this movie was propagating to children to create a little band of thieves, remember it’s not stealing if it’s small and call it borrowing! I would think that Marlon Brando would be sitting on a pile of sugar cubes while wearing a suit made of clothe pins and duct tape, but I digress. When Arriety gets spotted by the sick boy staying at the house, their curiosities get the better of themselves and begin a friendship that becomes increasingly threatening to both their lives.

I can barely call Ghibli films ‘anime’ because the technique of animation is WAY above normal anime par, mostly because everything actually moves and characters actually emote and don’t just look like dressed mannequins in a wind tunnel. I actually watched Spirited Away to prepare for this film which in hindsight wasn’t the best idea, cause the comparison in animation is like watching a magician disappearing the Empire State and then following up with pulling a dove from behind my ear, it’s still impressive but nowhere near the same scale, plus I don’t think the dove appreciated being smothered in a sleeve anyways. Still all the little touches to the borrower’s world makes the animation great: pouring water comes out like beads of dew and a horse statue bust is a chess piece. Though when the human’s perspective is viewed more constantly, the stakes are lessened and the obstacles are more like minor inconveniences, but that’s not really what the movie is focussing on.

For a children’s movie about friendship that’s distributed by Disney, I was surprised how grown up the writing was. Though never really said, the complexities and hardships of friendship are explored more deeply number of episodes of prancing ponies. It also leads to one of the most content emo speeches I’ve ever seen. Though I was impressed on how they handled it, I guess I can never escape the anime dosing of angst can I eh?

In the end, even though Arriety is not a perfect film, it certainly is a beautiful one with excellent writing, characters, animation and score that you shouldn’t miss. Now has this movie turned me on to anime? Hell no! Just because I’ve stepped onto the one safe landmine doesn’t mean I want to venture through the rest of the field! But if you think you can convince me otherwise with an example, please tell me about them! I’ll get right to them after I get tired of long nights with my right hand... and my left... and everyone else’s.

Next week I review Ghost Rider 2! Won’t that be fun?! (Sarcasm cranked to 11)

So since my last review I've been thinking that since i enjoyed writing it so much and has a unaminus posiive result (of one person :P) that i should try to do a review every week. Sometimes i won't have the tie to write one because of school or whatever but i'll try my best to keep this going. Also I may not want or be able to see a new movie every week so I've decided that I will alo ocasionally write a review for something new I've watched on Netflix or and older movie that I want to talk about.

Anyways here's my review of Chronicle I hope you enjoy it and please write comments on what you think of my review or share you're own opinions of the movie. And if there's anything that I can improve upon, don't be afraid to mention it but please keep i constructive :)

---

Chronicle

Even though it’s just a coincidence, the beginning of my long journey with a fascination for movies just so happened to have begun at the dawn when the nerd fandom became the dominating force in Hollywood. The yearly release or fantasy, science fiction, and superhero movies have become as predictable as a troll attack on a nervous thirteen-year-olds anti gay rant vlog. And no genre has seemed more tired, formulaic and exploited than the superhero. I mean Hollywood is just knocking through every comic book hero they can find until one day all they’re left with is heroes with titles like Continuous Bile Man or God forbid Wonder Woman (JUST KIDDING please don’t hurt me!). Throw in the over used and abused ‘found footage’ technique and one would expect Chronicle to be a lazy and disorienting mess of wonder bile in both visuals and narrative. Thankfully that is not the case with this movie. Chronicle is a completely fresh and thoughtful take on the superhero genre that builds up to spectacular action scenes with real emotional weight.

*Since this is a found footage movie, don’t worry about me spoiling the movie, everything that I mention can be seen in the preview or happens right in the first ten minutes of the film, but if you’re that worried go see the film, it’s great*

Andrew Detmer, played by Dane DeHaan (True Blood and In Treatment), is one of three high school friends that gain telekinetic power after witnessing what looks like a giant glowing tentacle kidney stone from planet Krypton. The other two high school friends compile of the well-meaning douche bag, and also playing double role of Andrew’s cousin, Matt Garetty (Alex Russell) and the very likeable but oblivious Steve Montgomery (Michael B. Jordan). Andrew buys a camera to record the events of his abusive life in hopes of somehow stopping it. But the camera quickly becomes a psychological barrier between him and, well, the rest of the world. Then soon the friends find their lives spinning out of control and their friendships tested as they begin to embrace their darker sides. And it doesn’t take long before sh!t starts getting real.

This is probably the best and most inventive utilization of the found footage technique since Paranormal Activity or even District 9. The makers quickly realized and that everyone now a day has a camera in their phone and that the kids’ powers can actually hold and hover the camera around them, giving a third person perspective, so why not use that to their advantage? Some people may call this cheating, I call it ingenuity. And really, this is the best way to shoot a found footage film, because one can get the aesthetics of the first person perspective and the cinematic experience of a real movie. And this is a real movie; there are effects, big sets, and real production value. When we live in a world where the first person camera is easily abused, either to cover the lack of talent, budget or both (see The Devil Inside), producers forget the potential of massive aesthetics it presents (Blair Witch Project the exception to previous cons). It’s nice to see that first time movie director Josh Frank had such a pure and thoughtful purpose for this choice of filming method. This filming perspective is also probably has the most emotional and narrative value than any other film of this kind, not only symbolizing the barriers the main character puts up, but also the barriers that everyone else raises in front of people.

The movie also forgoes the stereotypical Peter Parkers, Bruce Waynes and Clark Kents in favour of a more realistic, though cynical, depiction of super powered people. Mainly the movie realizes that when teenage boys are given more power than everyone else, they’ll do what any other Beavis and Butthead would do, abuse and exploit it to gain petty hits in ego and popularity. Then say if one of those teens is abused and bullied and then given the power to literally control anything, he’s not going to be kissing any interracial babies while receiving an oversized key to the city made of chocolate anytime soon. The movie depicts a fairly accurate depiction of public high school in that you can be popular one minute and stuffed into a locker the next, emphasizing the wild and unpredictable emotions of teenagers. Andrews journey then is like watching the motives towards a school shooting, except the school is a city and the gun is unbelievably strong telekinesis, or meganesis as I like to call it.

So the movie is like if Magneto was raised in a public school instead of the Holocaust and on that note, the movie also raises the question of nature versus nurture. Andrew is said to be a good, though passive, kid and the audience even gets flashes of that through the second act of the film, but his environment and circumstances push him too far and he makes some bad choices until he finally snaps, like a sentient OCD Roomba living in a cat lady’s house and while cleaning the stray kitty litter is gets a taste for blood. Andrew even goes as far as mentioning Darwin’s survival of the fittest theories as motives for his dominance over others. All the while the other two teenagers treat their powers differently and with much more respect due to their better lifestyles.

The film is not perfect though, which is unfortunate because it could have been a master in its genre. The effects aren’t really up to the modern par and it does ruin your emersion, but only until you realise that you’re watching a superhero movie and you’re sucked right back in again. There is a love interest subplot that doesn’t really go anywhere except to serve as an extra camera angle in the climax. Also no one expect Andrew and Matt (not as much) is given a significant character arc, but at least everyone is acting like a three dimensional character and acting the way they should if nothing but to keep the main characters’ development going. And the origin of their superpowers is the one gimmie of the movie, but that doesn’t really matter once you learn that you can freaking fly!

Those are all nitpicks though that can’t undermine the spectacular third act that carries the emotional weight of a thousand emo band fans on the day of Princess Diana’s funeral. The inventive use of footage, cutting, downtown Seattle scenery and environment makes for a battle not easily forgotten. The use of blood can be applauded as well for a means of communicating drama instead of spectacle that so many other movies fall into. For what I have witnessed in this movie, I have learned that for the coming Spiderman, Batman, Avengers and Superman movies that they better step up their A-game or start shaking in their latex suits because everyone’s expectations has just been raised to infinity and beyond.

P.S. I saw Phantom Menace in 3D and there's no point. The 3D is just as sh!tty as the movie an the only reason I saw it was a staff thing for charity for children and I don't even like those buggers. Who says I don't suffer for the common good? XP

So for anyone who knows me in the slightest knows that i LOOOOVE movies, seriously, i use movie poste as wallpaper in my bedroom lol. And given that i love talking about movies, i figure that i should start writing some film reviews, so that maybe i can even start building up a portfolio and perhaps use them to get an actual job as a critic and plus help any fellow movie goers out there in finding out what to go see this weekend.

I felt that reviewing The Woman in Black first is appropriate given my facination with horror (not slashers, i hate those) and Harry Potter :D Also this movie has been marketed for very long time, so i was very much anticipating it while also trying to be level headed and unbiased as a good critic should do.

Tell me what you think of this review and what i can improve on :)

---

The Woman in Black

Over the years studying my beloved films, i have come to many conclusions about many different genres. the one theory that i most undoubtedly cannot deny is that the most difficult genres to achieve for a director are comedy and horror. The effort it takes to succeed in either of these extreme opposites is like an ADD kid trying to pass his SATs while he's still learning his ABCs. To slip up in either genre is incredibly easy and nearly impossible for any of the crew to notice during production. Horror often suffers more for its mistakes, as the consequences can turn the movie funny, boring or just plain stupid. While i can't say The Woman in Black is a great movie, i can luckily neither say that it falls in the pits that other horror films do.

First written in 1983 by Susan Hill, The Woman in Black became regarded as one the scariest novels of its time and still frightens readers today. Since then the book has gotten various re-releases and a play adaptation in London's West End in 1988 and continues running to this day. The story is set in the early 20th century Britain where the young widowed lawyer is sent to a remote village where he must sort out the heaps of documents to sell the old mansion where the vengeful spirit of a woman that terrorizes the town is rumored to reside. As you can probably tell from the description or even the title is that this movie is as old fashion as you can get. This gives great points in its favour and against it.

To first adress the elephant in the room, yes the character of Arthur Kipps is played by Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) and to be honest, i barely even notice. I didn't see Harry Potter, i saw Daniel Radcliffe the actor, much like how people see Jeniffer Aniston as the actress and not as Rachel Green from Friends. Aside from one instance where that illusion is broken (you'll know it when you see it), this film convinces me that Radcliffe will have a carrer outside of his round spectacles. Plus i gotta say, he looks prtty damn good with sideburns.

The film does have a great thick atmosphere and excelent cinemaphotogrphy that exceptionally shines in the beginning and end, which personally made me like this film overall. It is very reminiscent of the traditions of Edgar Allen Poe or Vincent Price horrors which makes it beauiful to the point of dread to look at and feel the tense emotion in the air. Director James Watkins (Eden Lake 2008) makes the smart choice of following the footsteps of dirctor Oren Peli with his low budget hit Paranormal Activity. The movie actualy watches like if Allen Poe did cross with Parnormal and had a higher budget. Figures are left in a haze and objects glance out of the corner of your eye so subtly you wonder if you even saw it and it does wonders.

Where the movie falls flat though is when it gets too excited about its subject and abandons its subtlety and then tries to ge back in its atmosphere like nothing happened. It's like the movie can't decide whether it wants to go for subtle tension or for quick shockers and it leaves it feeling schitzophrenic and not really popping out with any effort, like your chronically fatigued girlfriend trying to jump out of your birthday cake. Plus for having such sevre consequences for the events that take place, the town's people don't try all that hard in keeing them fom happening.

Overall though, i still rather enjoyed this film, its a good ol' fashion ghost story with some great visuals and atmosphere, nothing more and nothing less. I as well wouldn't mind giving it a few more watches either, even just to catch all the subtle things i missed. This film is for anyone who appreciates the works of Poe or Price and wish to have something new to clench their teeth to. It does have quite a few good scares and they're even better when watching completely alone. But if you don't want to risk your admition ticket, go see Chronicle, that's been getting great reviews i hear.

If you still want a scare for your next movie that you'll for sure like and still similar to this, go watch The Orphange. Produced by Guillermo del Toro, a spanish horror that has a great script, fantastic decade visuals, an eerie world and an ending you won't soon forget. And who cares if its spanish?! So was Pan's Labyrinth... should give that a re-watch too.

So i've finally decided to accept twitter in my life, though its gonna be a pain sometimes cause i dont have a smart phone >.< therefore i must be desperate for attention (its logic!)

My twitter name is TheNeverwolf

Follow me :D

At least now i have a place to put my weird observations and random thoughts
People also cant tell me to stop talking to myself cause now im just practicing for twitter! :3

Oh also i should use it for updates on art and cons and blah bleh bleh blah




God i need a smart phone ;D

-Never

That's right! As of today this ol' wolf is now 22 years old. I'm gonna go drink my face off and eat something that was living. Then I'm gonna go nerd out with some friends and see the Harry Potter 7 pt.2 midnight screening with a sign that says 'Team Rickman!'

Now come on you fellow species confused beings, show this wolf some love! :D

Quick! Before I realize I'm halfway to 44!
...
...
Oh god, I'm halfway to 44! >.<
lol

-Never

First off sorry for not posting this sooner, I got back from Vegas on Nov 24 and was stilled pumped from it and got distracted telling stories to friends and the just too lazy to post a journal :P But Vegas was FUCKING SWEET. I did so much there that it felt like i was there for 2 weeks instead of only a few days. Here's a abridged list of what i did there:

-Rode my first mechancle bull (video to come soon hopefully)
-Made a girl calling card collection
-Ate at a resteraunt called Dicks, the servers really live up to the place's name, and i love them
-Watched the Rider game in a bar completely filled with fans and $20 all you can drink
-Lost $35 at the slots, being cheap has the benefits of knowing when to stop lol
-Saw Love and it is humbly the BEST FUCKING SHOW I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, seriously if youre in the neighbourhood, go see it, you'll never regret it. I can honestly go on for hours talking about it, but just trust me and go
-Saw the Phantom, 4th time seeing it, traveling shows had way better actors
-Had a steak that litteraly melted in my mouth it was so good
-Rode the roller coaster at New York New York, i think my balls are still at that first drop
-Saw the Lion King, the ultimate for any fur
-Danced all night at a club called King Ink
-Laughed at my friend while he puked near the siegfried and roy statue
-Went shopping
-Rode in a limo then rode in a hummer limo, my in hippie was just crying inside but drowned out by the sheer awesomeness!
-Took the ULTIMATE gay test and went to a strip club, got 2 lap dances, motorboated Samantha, couldn't stop laughing and kept it down the entire time. I am all that is gay man!!! But damn do i need a lap dance from a guy lol
-What else....hmmmm...oh ya, i fucking drank my aaaaaass off lol the best drink was the Hard Days Night at the Love show, soooo good and made me sooooo happy^^

I'd go into details but it's late and I'm lazy. Bottom line is that I'd deffinately go again, most likely not next year but probably the year after, with more of my friends. I'd say it was just as fun as a fur con and that was tough to beat for me.

In July, I turned 21

So in a very belated celebration of that, I'm off to Vegas this weekend.

This will be my first time going to the city that never sleeps (god how will i survive that) and it probably wont be the last. My aunt and uncle go there every year and anyone else in the family is able to join with and most of them do go... and i have a big family. They were part of the baby boomer generation after all :P Also one of my best friends is coming with me so that should be fun, providing that we dont kill each other. We play fight... a lot.

As for stuff we're gonna do we're pretty much going to leave a lot of it unplanned and just go with the flow and wonder around the strip. We are for sure going to see The Lion King, I got tickets for my friend's bday, it's his favorite show and i've never seen. Going to play some black jack, can't go to Vegas without doing a little bit of gambling. Then shopping, drinking, maybe a cirque du sole show, drinking, rough riders game on sunday, drinking... drinking. But sadly my friend is straight and doesn't want to go to Chipendales or Thunder From Down Under. Damn straights ruin all the fun :P

I'm a bit nervouse cause I've never done anything this big before and yet incredibly excited cause I've never done anything this big before. I'm gonna take lots of pictures and tell all you about it when i get back! TTFN ta ta for now!

-Neverwolf

P.S. I am very dissapointed though that the new My Chemical Romance album comes out while I'm in vegas and wont be able to listen to it untill I come back. It's been 4 years since their last album, which is my fav, and to wait that much longer. What a cock tease! lol

you know why today just feels so awesome? its because i was born 21 years ago today thats why! so grab a cold one and let's celebrate this awesome, awesome day ;D