UNBOXING STREAM!
I have a new toy! come check it out!
https://www.twitch.tv/furmergence

I have my first suit model i'll be creating but im having difficulty finding a local source in Australia that sells more of a range.
If anyone has information on Australian faux fur suppliers, that would be amazing! The only one ive found so far is Bartfeld.
Thanks in advance!!!

Because their art is amazing, and worth the browse and watch regardless!

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/39029737/

I'm giving it a try!

Enjoying so far
HUGE learning curve
Massive time investment
Patience is a must

Done sleeves and 1 paw. Working on the other paw.

Tail next.

Definitely willing to consider doing it as a side job if people are still interested after I finish my practice pieces 😉

Freeeeee! go check them out! they have some great work!

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/35593722/

Hey, can anyone recommend someone who likes bringing character designs to life?
I have 2 design descriptions that I'd like to see come to fruition as a commission.

Any help would be amazing!!!

Apparently there is. and its been going for 10 years O.O
I had no idea!
I think its time to meet others :D
Bring on July!

I got my ears pierced :O

So immediate work colleagues now know about me. That news will spread quickly. next few days should be interesting. :P

Its been pretty interesting.

I have now come out to most of my friends. It definitely got easier the more I did it. Feeling really good right now :P

I even changed my Gender on Facebook. Just waiting to see if anyone notices XD

I have my approval letter from the psych to start meds. just need to get them now.

Future is looking bright

So lately I've been writing the beginnings of a novel. I've finished the main drafts of the Prologue and Chapter 1. I'm kind of wondering if there are people here who might be interested in snippets of this story? I've also been considering writing other stories in the same universe that interlink with this one.

Currently, the story I'm writing is designed more for a broader audience with a potential to actually sell it at some point. But some of the other story ideas I'm having I am looking at writing and releasing for free. Kind of short story world building snippets to see if people are interested.

Any constructive thoughts would be appreciated :)

Figure I'd make this quick one.

I am Transgender, Male-to-Female.
The name I have chosen for myself that resonates with me, is Sarah
My pronouns are She/Her

It's nice to "meet" you all! ^_^

So now most of my family know I'm transgender, and I'm one of the lucky ones where they are supporting my decision. It has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders, I feel like I can breathe again.

I have an appointment booked with my GP on the 12th of this month. And I am determined to get the ball rolling. My life finally has a direction and I know which way it's going. I'm already self medicating small doses for HRT (yes I know it's a big no-no, but I mentally couldn't wait any more).

I even have the next 3 years worked out for transitioning. My intention is to use the next 2 years to get most of the initial HRT changes out of the way, along with a few other personal "improvements", then during the 3rd year, I'm intending to go full time. meaning at the end of 3 years, I'd have lived a year full time, and that coincides with my apprenticeship finishing.

so the next few years is going to be interesting, to say the least.

So I have informed my Brother and Father about being trans and they are accepting of it. It was a best case scenario for me. On Boxing Day, I'll be telling the rest of the family. Meaning next year starts with a good foot forward. That will be nice for a change!

Secondly, I've started writing a little again. Even completed the first chapter of a story :)
Trying to decide if I'm going to upload it yet. Would need a lot of persuasion though ~_^

I hate asking others for help but I need it.

I've told my mum that I'm Transgender (Damn that was hard).

I want to take the first steps medically. So I'm asking for help to find a specialist near where I am that people would recommend. I'm located in rural NSW and I am prepared to travel to Sydney if need be (I'm about 4 hours away).

If you know someone who can help, please link them to this journal and/or get them to note me.

Thanks again for everyone willing to help.

So I am updating my profile and 'sona to better represent my current stage in life.
I am also changing my Sona's name to reflect it better.
Name: Sarah Starfall
Gender: Female
It has been a while since I uploaded anything, so I figure the best thing to do to mark this occasion is to upload a new picture that is a bit better suited. AND by one of my favourite Artists.
I may yet move accounts, I don't know yet.

Im still looking for work
Im looking for a new place to live
Im running out of time and money
I have no faith in my future at this point.

Until next time, stay safe.

Life update for any who is interested

1) Meds are working well and made me feel like i have a little control in my life
2) Revealed to my mum on the weekend that I'm trans. That was incredibly hard on us both
3) Got fired today. Now jobless

So how is everyone else doing?

Im on them as of tomorrow.
Let the experimenting begin to try and fix 15 years of depression
Lets hope i dont experience some of the nastier side effects.

Over here:
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/204.....#cid:109997054
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/204.....#cid:109997054
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/204.....#cid:109997054

by the incredible  dontamure

Well worth it!

I actually got it!

A couple of months ago, I actually got the job and things have been pretty hectic, but awesome. It's a completely different work environment to what I've had the last 10 years over 2 jobs. I feel like I'm actually appreciated and I work harder because of it. It's my first Monday to Friday job, meaning weekends. And unless you have worked as long as I have (or longer for some other people), you don't realize the difference it makes to have 2 days off in a row. It actually gives me a chance to rest and complete projects around the home that I haven't been able to start due to how long some of them need to take.

But those dark days are behind me, I'm optimistic about the future, and yesterday I started back at the gym. I even managed to talk a friend of mine into going as well. We are going every weeknight leaving weekends free (for now) to rest until we get into the routine. Having a "buddy" to do this with makes it so much easier. I even picked up a Fitbit today too. A little costly (@ AU$136) and it was money that could have been used elsewhere, but I really think this is going to really help. Being able to keep track of what I eat and how I'm going overall is going to really help keep me on track. I'm aiming to lose 30Kgs (66lbs) over 33 weeks. With the exercise increase, and the careful eating, I think I'm going to actually achieve it. I WANT to achieve it. Even if this thing is more of a "placebo" effect, if it works, I don't care XD

As for my exercising regime, I'm walking 5kms at a 5 degree incline on a treadmill, in a 1 hour non-stop session each night, so that should give me a good starting point. Later I will try some other pieces of equipment at the gym.

I do feel bad for dropping the last weight loss challenge I started, but with the life problems I was having, I just could not continue. Now that the environment has changed, I am in a much better mental place to achieve goals. I probably wont keep a noticeable track of things on here, but I will probably announce intervals like every 5 or 10 kilos lost. Something to just keep me motivated.

After leaving my old job, my depression has evaporated to leave me at normal levels like most other people. It was a weight that was smothering me, and I honestly believe it would have been the death of me. And that scares me much more now than it did back then.

On a personal level, I also discovered something that was holding me back in the past.
For those of you that don't know, I lost my sister back in 2001, when she was taken from her bed in the early hours of the morning, and her life was taken. The whole event I could talk about without trouble without tears, though sadness was still deep within me. The hardest thing for me, was that I blamed myself. Not for her death, and I know I had no control over that person's actions. I blamed myself for being the catalyst for the events that lead up to that event.

"Don't be silly, it's not your fault" is what everyone says. But what made it hard for me was the fact that that person was the person that I (and only me, no one else liked him) tried to become friends with him. I had built up a friendship with him over the several months prior. I invited him to my place, and even played games with him. And in the end, I had the ultimate betrayal as he took the life of my sister. She was 3, he was 13. At the age of 15, and that person you tried to build a friendship with months before, goes and destroys your entire family... You tell me how I am not supposed to blame myself for that.

Oddly, I don't hold resentment or hate towards him. Don't get me wrong, I never want to see him ever again, and honestly if I ever saw him and if he refused to leave the town, I don't think I would hold back. But otherwise I couldn't care less.

My issue was I could find no closure. I could not find what was holding me back. Until last week. Yes I blame myself, yes I know i can't change the past and I accept that, and in the end, I feel like I failed my sister and my family (which is probably why I've distanced myself so much over the last several years). I looked back on my past, about the whole event, and even the funeral, and realized one thing. I never once said sorry. That very thought almost broke me that night as it came to realization. And so it was, with tears streaking down my face, that I said with closed eyes and a vision of her adorable smile in my mind's eye, that I said with a quivering voice "I'm sorry".

Since then, I've felt like an anchor to the past has been cut loose, one that has been holding me back for 14 long years. I don't feel stuck in an endless loop of self pity. And I know that if she were "up there" somewhere, she would be looking down on me with that cheeky little smile that was so full of love and mischief. I love you sis. Now and forever. Your end in this life came far too soon.

If you know of anyone who has fallen on hard times and needs to know there are others out there that have felt that deep pain, I encourage you to share this journal. I admit this is the first time I have ever been public with this information, and if it can help anyone else, then all the better. There is always hope, even in the darkest of times, for without hope, we are truly lost. Support those you care for like those that have supported me. I thank each and every one of them who have persevered. I know it wasn't easy, and I would never blame you if you gave up. You should be proud, because I am.

Until next time, be safe and of good cheer.

There has been the tiniest spark of hope lit in the darkness that is the void which is my current existence. There is the remotest possibility of a job opening up at a car dealership to work in liaising between customers and mechanics for services and repairs. Basically, a desk job. however it would be a Mon-Fri job, with normal hours, proper breaks, and weekends. This tiny fragment of light is all that is keeping me afloat right now.

I realise to most, this sort of thing will make you roll your eyes, and dismiss it for being petty and/or weak. But what most people don't realise is the real effect that the owner of this business has on people, both staff AND customers. When I started, I overheard that he had an AVERAGE staff turnover of 18 months. Since working there, the longest term of employment (aside from me and my manager) was 2 years. A month ago, they employed a person, who worked 1 day, then suffered a nervous breakdown... 2 months ago, the person who had worked for 2 years left, 2 months before that, a person who had worked for 9 months left. I'm hoping this new guy will have a tough enough skin just to last until after Christmas, otherwise we may end up being overworked more, and under even more pressure.

We even have customers refusing to come in simply because they don't want to be around him. I even have people I know message me when they want something from the shop to see "if it's safe to come in."

The owner is a bully, condescending, arrogant, and all round asshole. I'm generally one not to say bad things about others, as those who know me well enough can testify, but this guy is that bad, and worse. When people i know find out there is a job opening and suggest applying for it, I BEG them not to go anywhere near it. At least in that way, I can do SOME good from my position.

To give you a look into my life, before I started working there, I was full of life and energy. Nothing seemed beyond my grasp if I worked hard enough. But over the 5 years working there (and yes, I have been looking for alternate work during that whole time) that man has sucked the very essence from my soul. My life feels like it has no meaning, I feel like I can't do anything right, and I toss and turn at night dreading going to work the next day, just waiting for the next outburst and lecture from that asshole. There is only so much a person can take, and I have taken more than most, due to my stubbornness no doubt.

But now, even I am at a breaking point.

If this job opening doesn't come up or I don't get it... Well 15-20 years in prison for manslaughter may be worth it, AND it will be ridding the world of an evil. Mind you, a person could probably get away with 5-10 for extenuating circumstances. Disturbing, I know. and only a whimsical thought.

What can a person at the end of a rope do to find salvation, even after the world has thrown them for a loop. At what point does a person snap when they have gone through as much as I have in my lifetime. I don't know what is left for me to do.

I had hoped to pay off the last of my debts, at which point I could get away with a part time job, but I wont last another 5 years in that place (And I refuse to take other people's hard earned money as a donation). I HAVE to get out, or I will be off to one institution or another.

All up, I give myself 6 months. Whatever happens, after 6 months, I wont be there.

For me to move on from my interests. Or lack thereof. I play Warhammer, and with the recent update, my armies are currently useless. So now I'm considering selling them. There will be 2 more updates this year that will affect me, so if I find I can't play any more, I'm going to sell it off. Which brings about the next course of action I may take. And that is selling most of my possessions. In the end, this will leave me with basic entertainment, and less social interaction with others. It would be better this way, despite what others may think. If nothing else it will give me a little money, and I won't need to worry about socializing any more.

I am a little better this week. still going through hell with my boss at work, but most people can claim that. I do have time off coming up next week so hopefully i can improve then. I did a quick look, and I've put on 5kgs in these last few weeks. A BIG backward step, but one that can be fixed if things improve. I'm going to try and jump back into the Meal Plan in the next couple of days. If I have ANY sort of luck (Which I don't), I will win a sizeable portion of the lottery this weekend. I'm not even looking for a Jackpot win. If I can get $30k, I'm going to quit my job there and look for new work. $30k will give me a year to find a new full time job. And to be honest, I will be taking the first 2 months off to recover.

It's nice to dream.

P.S: Unimportant side note. I'm doing a little writing and it is kinda interesting. I've shown it to a couple of people (even my room mate) and they seem to like it. Once I edit the intro and write a couple more chapters, I may release the intro to see what people think. It's a story line that I would like to be able to later turn into a comic too. But one step at a time. The tittle of the story? Fallacy

So, I've missed the last couple of weeks, for any who bothered to notice. Needless to say, its been a little hard. Depression set in hard again with my boss once again destroying any sense of self-worth and control i felt I had. My diet went to shit in those weeks too, I don't feel secure in my job, and I'm looking at selling of a heap of my possessions to give myself a little cash in case the proverbial shit really does hit the fan. The only "up side" i managed was to refinance my personal loan to give me a smaller interest rate. From 16.9% to 13.9%. The idea there to save me approximately $3k of interest over the period of the loan. the down side was I had to borrow more money to do it. I could dump that money back into the loan, but im going to put it in a seperate account just in case I have to access it in an emergency.

Weight Lost: Who cares...
Money Paid Off: Pointless...

END OF WEEK 8

Not much to report other than work has been particularly bad recently, which is doing no good to what little self esteem I may have had. I find myself sinking rapidly back into depression. I know that the best course of action to resolve this is to quit, but that is not an option for me at this stage due to financial commitments. Such is life I suppose.

Weight: 120.8/130kgs
Total loss to date: 9.2/30kgs
Paid off: 502/4200

---

END OF WEEK 7

Time flies, but the change back to normal time from daylight savings always knocks me around. It will take a week or 2 to get back into a rhythm. It just sucks coming out of work to find its night.

Weight: 122.2/130kgs
Total loss to date: 7.8/30kgs
Paid off: 505/4200

END OF WEEK 6

I have been lapsing WAY too many times. and yet I continue to lose weight... go figure :P

Weight: 123.2/130kgs
Total loss to date: 6.8/30kgs
Paid off: 395/4200

END OF WEEK 5

I only lost a little this week, though I did have a binge weekend, so I'm not exactly surprised. The new meal system seems to be working so far, at least. I also had a few final things to pay/buy this month, but there is nothing in the foreseeable near future :P

Weight: 124.1/130kgs
Total loss to date: 5.9/30kgs
Paid off: 346/4200

END OF WEEK 4

Well. I had to increase the limit on my card, but the good news is I have no further big bills to worry about. So there is a slight change to my "Savings" plan,. It is now a PAID OFF plan. In effect its the same thing.

Weight: 124.7/130kgs
Total loss to date: 5.3/30kgs
Paid off: 610/4200

END OF WEEK 3

Well I'm still going and actually starting to feel all the better for it. i feel like i have more energy. I still get the urge for the occasional greasy hamburger, but I have been able to resist them so far :P This weekend Im going to my parents place to get my father to help me fix the brakes on my car so it can pass rego.

Weight: 126.1/130kgs
Total loss to date: 3.9/30kgs
Saved: 275/3500

END OF WEEK 2

Going well! even though i caved and had a meal not part of the menu (though oh so delicious!). Ive lost another 1.4kgs! Also had a big jump in savings, though the car registration is due and I may have to use what ive saved to pay it off. Oh well.

Weight: 127.4/130kgs
Total loss to date: 2.6/30kgs
Saved: 250/3500

END OF WEEK 1

Well, So far I'm doing well. one week down and it hasn't killed me yet :P Still have to get used to a smaller diet. I haven't started exercising yet so my achievement is good. Plenty of work stress though XD. Updates in a week!

Weight: 128.8/130kgs
Total loss to date: 1.2/30kgs
Saved: 75/3500

Thats right! I got the fridge a few days ago, and today I got the food delivery. And I have to say... good grief there is a lot of food! I might not have bought a big enough fridge for 2 people!

Anyway, I start the regime tomorrow. I plan to use the next 4-8 weeks to get used to the new setup and work out all the little kinks. After that, I will start going to the gym.

So here is the starting figures:

Starting Weight = 130Kgs
Saved = $0

The aim is to lose 0.5-1kg a week. And to save $50-75. Though my total savings will drop in a month or two due to my car AND bike needing to be registered. But that is a part of life and I will take the bad with the good!