Still around, though posting an update that I have a brain tumor. I need to wait a while more to see what's up in more detail. But I wanted to wait to get appointments set before saying anything. Not surprised I have one, my sister died of one three years ago.

I saw a post about it here: https://imgbox.com/uzd9cAQU
And I had to check it out for myself, and sure enough, yes. I opted out myself and I wanted to share this with everyone who would find this information useful and would also want to opt out.

My last grandpa died this morning. I found him not breathing, though he went peacefully. The cancer took it's course, and the new hospice did a better job than the other in my previous journal. There is a lot to say about that, though to put it shortly, we changed his hospice since the other one was trying to accelerate his death and were purposely not providing services violating Medicare laws.

Despite my thanatology training, this was still something to endure. It makes me not envy anyone who works with dying in hospitals and have to do this for a living, however they are trained medically for it. Just a lot of hard things I had to do with him dying that I didn't like or enjoy doing, but he started his death rattles yesterday, and he was waiting for his sister. I made his last day at least good for him, though he was unresponsive, his breathing was better. But he died this morning at some point, I got up to check on him from a short nap, and he was dead. Body was still a little warm, so he hadn't been dead too long when I checked, but he followed the dying process since very early this morning his death rattle came back, but it was at the fish out of water stage. Hard to see him go, especially since he was a very tough guy, but cancer just developed quick in him and took him fast.

My last surviving grandparent is now dying.

I've been helping take care of him for the last few years, though in mid September he had an accident and broke his left arm. They thought they needed surgery for it, so they shipped him to another hospital for that. He thankfully didn't need surgery, but since he needs two hands and arms to walk on a walker, they put him in a rehab facility till his arm was to be healed, this way he could do his therapy and get better and return back to his place.

For six weeks he was there, and he returned back last Saturday, though I was informed of something very grim. On October 11th, they had given him another X-ray to see the progress of his healing, and in the X-ray, they found a large mass in his left lung. They did another X-ray of his chest, and also found several moderate masses in his right lung. A team of doctors at that hospital monitored his health and used their experience to make the decision to put him in Hospice. They had come to the conclusion he had, cancer.

He is too old to get the correct procedure done to see what kind of cancer it is and what stage it was in. Likewise he is too old (over 90) to have treatment done for the cancer. The moment they put him on Hospice, his time at the rehab was done and he was sent home. His arm looks okay, no one has told me if it is fully healed, but it has healed to a good degree, though he is bed ridden now due to the cancer.

It had to be fucking cancer, not the same kind that killed my sister, but still, cancer.

He was a coal miner for 37 years of his life, his lungs were in pretty good shape most of his life as he only had COPD. I did learn from his sister that his other sister died of lung cancer (however she smoked like a train), and his mother died from Pancreatic cancer around the same age (92). Seems there is a history in his own family with cancer at an advanced age, though it caught me off guard.

I was under the impression he had maybe 1-3 months to live as when they brought him here, he was in very good spirits and talking well. Was nice to see him again as he and his late wife did raise me. But as the days moved on, his health began to decline, and he developed delirium which has been getting worse. He's sleeping more, and I've been helping out, staying up night and day again (he had a surgery done earlier in the year) so I am very physically tired, but been keeping him in good spirits.

His favorite show is Sanford and Son (based on Steptoe and Son), so I've been putting it on the DVD in the room and watching it with him to keep his spirits up as well as attending to him. Though today he was struggling to swallow liquids and I had to call the hospice nurses to examine him and sadly it seems he now only has 5-10 days left to live, give or take a few they said. They put him on the imminent death list and it's just basically a waiting game and trying to make him comfortable.

I'm having difficulty coming to terms with some of the hospice rules, despite my own thanatology training, such as we are no longer supposed to feed him or give him water since his body is beginning to shut down. It just bugs me personally, if he is thirsty or hungry, that I cannot give him water or feed him. I understand why, considering that his cancer grew and spread very quickly (he had pneumonia from his COPD in April and had X-rays taken of his lungs then which showed no cancer) and how food could cause more pain, discomfort, vomiting, as well as too much water in this period could cause vomiting and the build up of lung fluid (as well as him possibly taking water into his lungs and drowning). However I'm having personal difficulty with this since I feel like that I am hurting him more by not giving him anything and denying him water or food, despite that this is the proper thing to do.

Posting this as an update. Unlike my sister, I do not believe we would require money for his final expenses (we may if there are extra hospital bills that pop up later) since his Miner Union and insurance are paying for everything so far, and his miner union have a funeral plan for him once he does pass that will pay for his funeral, coffin, and other burial expenses.

It bothers me too that he is also dying of cancer as my sister was killed by cancer. It grew so fast, and he was perfectly fine a couple of months ago in early September, until he missed his chair while sitting down on his daughters watch and broke his arm. Now he is at death's door in the room and not from anything related to his arm, but lung cancer.

The similarities are a bit spooky. My sister got in a car accident, they X-rayed her for damages and discovered her brain tumor. My grandpa broke his arm, they X-rayed him 3 weeks into his healing and found lung cancer. All we can do is just make him comfortable, though he doesn't enjoy being bedridden and he has to remain in the bed. 6 weeks at his age of not walking really atrophied his legs, plus he has a bed sore on his heal, and is still unable to really stand. But in his delirium, he believes he is waking up in the middle of the night and walking around and that he healed the wound on his heal with boiling water.

He is my last grandparent alive. We all get to the point where we no longer have grandparents or parents, but it is still a somber event. My grandma (his wife) died under mysterious circumstances in 2005 at a nursing home, however they said it was complications due to her diabetes. My other grandpa died in 2019, though his daughter basically killed him via criminal neglect and got away with it. My other grandma died in 2020 from her Alzheimer's disease. And now my last grandpa will be dying in 5-10 days, though we believe he is subconsciously holding out for his birthday next week.

Just posting this update on things.

My older sister is dead.

Her brain tumor finally killed her, nearly seven months after they discovered her tumor and when I posted a journal about it. She was able to see her two children before she died, and I think that played a big roll in her lasting this long. She was put in hospice in late February, and one week after her eldest daughter visited her, her health declined.

It happens, as I believe she was subconsciously holding on until she was able to see her daughters together again and once she did, she allowed it to take her. Though she didn't make it till the Easter holiday as we had hoped, so her other daughter could have had one final holiday with her. In her last days, she couldn't do much, as the tumor removed her ability to swallow solid foods and she had to be fed in a tube for two days, and then yesterday she couldn't move or walk and she was bed ridden. Then last night she had the seizures, and that was the beginning of the end for her, another victim of cancer.

My dad at least was able to stay by her side, but the way she was before she died, conscious but unconscious at the same time, sounds like a terrible thing. To know and be able to see everyone around you, hear them, knowing you are about to die, unable to move. That torment gets to me. I can't stand the thought that she had to endure that torment in her last hours.

And now, she is no more.

So my sister got in a car accident 2 Thursdays ago at the capitol city. She was driving and thought the light was green, pulled out, and got T-boned. They rushed her to the hospital, and no one was critically injured (including the other party). However, when they were checking my sister for injuries, they did an MRI and discovered a sizable mass. She would have been released from the hospital already, if it was not for this mass. They had put her in ICU after doing the biopsy as a seizure could kill her.

Results from the biopsy show it's GBM Cancer, specifically Glioblastoma. I knew of such things, and the moment I heard it was a brain tumor, I knew it was a death sentence. This is the most aggressive form of brain cancer, and aggressive meaning it grows very fast, spreads fast, and is able to have it's own blood supply. It's very problematic, as you can continue to remove the tumors, but if you dont remove every single fiber on a microscopic scale, the tumor will grow back very quickly. It has the ability to invade the brain, and it is very difficult to work on and pill medication doesnt work due to the blood brain barrier.

In short, my sister is dying.

Of my two sisters, I was closer to her as the eldest sister is a life destroyer herself and so selfish she will ruin someone else for her own pleasure (shes actually celebrating her little sister is dying and bragging about it actually). Though this sister, had a rough adult life, she married a mafia wanna-be that got her into hard drugs. She had two kids, and they had to grow up in that environment with a father like they have. He is an abusive POS, and by all means should be in prison, especially after the well documented attempted murder (he took a steel bat and beat a man's skull in, but the man survived), but he is free as a bird, for one very specific reason: he's the biggest rat. So police cut him deals every time he's arrested for dealing drugs, guns, even this attempted murder, he rats out everyone. He has FBI vans outside of his place, and well, still completely free because he is a rat.

I mention him because of the two parents, my sister is the better more loving as she cares for her kids, and doesnt use them. The sad thing is, once she does pass, her youngest daughter, whom is in her mid teens, will still be subject to his custody, and though she moved out into the state capitol (my sister was trying to get a divorce), he could just make a phone call and she would legally have to return to him into a bad life. She's doing great away from him though, doing well in school, has a job, a boyfriend, and is very happy, in contrast with her older sister, whom choose to stay with their father, and sadly she is going down his path by dealing drugs to high school kids thinking she'll make it big in life like that.

Despite my sister's drug addiction and even her having MS, she did do a lot of struggling for her kids, and it pains me to know that all they will have left is their very poor excuse of a father, whom I cannot even mention other things he has done online. That is where I feel the most sadness, for my nieces whom now have to live with the reality such a cancer can bring.

Personally, I've had issues with my family, my sisters included, some dark issues of things they have done to me in the past. Though I don't feel anything for my sister herself, I don't believe she deserves to die, but then again, many are dealt with things they do not deserve, so it is a poor means of measurement. Despite the history we have had, my concern is for her kids whom she loves and they love her back, and that is difficult to watch considering the lives they have had with their father the way he is.

A strange twist of fate that she may have never known about this cancer without this car accident. I mentioned she has MS, so she gets headaches often, and easily missed warning signs of the Glioblastoma tumor. It took a car accident and a routine MRI scan resulting from that to find it. All I know, is it's sizeable, and they have assembled a medical team to determine what to do. They're going to try and remove half as it grew deeper and was bigger than they initially thought, then use Chemo to try and retard the spread.

There is no estimated time of death, though with this kind of tumor, it's usually about a year, within a year, unless she is lucky, then two years, or extremely lucky, five years. It continues to grow back, but I have been looking for alternative treatments, some of which prolong her life, but one sounds promising in another state at one specific hospital that shows good results. Considering they are removing half though, it sounds like she doesn't even have a full year left.

Naturally the problem is money, and I'm not posting a journal to ask for money (however, I may start a gofundme on her cause depending on what the doctors do or say). If I were rich, I could at least take her to this treatment center in Texas to help her fight it and possibly remove it for good. Unfortunately she does not have much friends or support due to her drug habits (she turned into a well know thief and stole from many).

I don't even have money to go visit her in the hospital as its a good 200 miles away and I lack a vehicle and place to stay. Though I am trying to explore other options for her.

This type of cancer though, spreads itself with spider-web like tentacles around the brain, and grows very fast. In college anatomy years back, learned of a man who had the tumor removed, then it grew back just as big when they did his check up to see if he was ready for chemo, and they had to remove it again, and it grew back once more very quickly.

One thing is, if anyone has a brain tumor, its basically a death sentence because chances are, its this one. To remove it, you need to go on a microscopic level and get every single little cell removed and destroyed, and that is incredibly difficult to do in the brain. Every time I have seen journals of artists posting about a brain tumor that was found, it always sinks my heart knowing this knowledge, then seeing journals of them having the tumor removed, only to see journals of them coming back. Now I find myself affected personally by such a cancer in my sister.

I try to think of her, how she used to be before she got married. Very hilarious, creative story teller, fantastic piano player as she was self taught, and crazy smart at math, with a yearning to move and live in Alaska. After marriage, she turned into a thief, his version of a perfect wife, no more piano playing, but playing guitar as he liked guitar, and not very good. Completely different personality. But she had kids, and she at the very least gave them her love as a good mother could, despite her despicable husband. Even as she was in ICU, she was asking people she knew to try and sneak in street drugs her addiction became so powerful, and it's all from him, he started it all as hes hooked on hard drugs too. Hes a thief himself, stealing money from his own children, breaking into houses, and stealing my sisters life as she always blamed the stress he gave her the reason why she developed MS.

But with all that, it is difficult to remember how she used to be, on the positives considering the negatives she has caused me in my childhood. That's a different story, but I do try as she used to be rather delightful. And now she lays in a hospital bed, the car accident aggravating her MS so she seems a stroke victim, half her face numb, unable to speak as its slurred, her left arm completely numb, and now with the news that she will never live long enough to see her grandchildren in the future.

She is going to be put into a rehab which will help her speak normal again and hopefully open her eyes to stop taking street drugs. Though I do need to get up there and have the difficult conversation about important decisions with both her and her daughter. A shitty time, but she is alive now and she is aware of such questions.

Sharing this as I may be a bit moody, for obvious reasons. I cannot go and visit her as Im poor and lack a vehicle, so kinda have to play it by ear with the knowledge that her time is very limited, and perhaps two years from this day, she may be already dead.