Okay, so here's the deal.
As the title says, I need to push myself a bit. I have been lazy and not coloring as much as I want/should and I still need to learn how to shade (properly). I've been off the tablet way too long and need to get into some sort of routine to do ... oh I don't know, at least something every 2-4 days I guess? I'm not sure.

So I'm willing to try something.
In the past and up to this point I have, every now and then (and have had others help me), skimmed sites such as FurAffinity, SoFurry and others I can find to locate lineart to color.
I'm willing to go a little further to learn and perhaps to gain some semblance of fame.

I am going to put myself a little bit on the spot and open up a free coloring... thing. Event? Maybe, I don't know, this headache is murder right now.

Anyway, I will open myself up to be propositioned to color any lineart (within certain conditions) offered to me, up to a certain amount at any given time. I don't want to swamp myself in people expecting results pronto, ya know? I want a push to get working and learning, not more stress compounded on what I already have and end up panicking!

IF YOU LIKE THIS IDEA and you don't intend to cash in on it, DO ME THE KINDNESS and SPREAD THE WORD please! Getting some publicity is a huge motivator and knowing folks like not only my art but my open-ended kindness really makes me feel good. Make a journal entry and pimp me out. It would be a great help and I'll give hugs too!

Also, if you are an ARTIST that is looking for a colorist that for now works kinda for free, and hopefully in time for actual commission, keep me in mind. If you are liking my coloring and how I progress in that and shading, I would love to have folks to work with. I hope one day to work with some folks for actual commissions!


Here's the finer details, rules and FAQ.

RULES
RULE #1: MOST IMPORTANT RULE! For me to color lines, the artist must have given you PERMISSION to have their art altered. You cannot just hand me something an artist said no to because they can come back on both of us for it. As such, I REQUIRE written permission from the line's artist that coloring/altering is permitted. Any request to color/shade without this written consent will be ignored until permission is obtained. This permission must come to me via an unblemished (unaltered) screenshot or direct communication from the artist themselves via a note here on FA (Or SoFurry when I get the journal up on there too).
RULE #2: If you request me to color something, you have to spread the word. I help you, you help me, right? Make a journal entry linking to this journal so I can get some wind in my metaphorical sails!

FAQ
How many at any given time will you do?
- Five, that way I am not up to my eyeballs in pictures that people may or may not be demanding get done in short notice.
How many can one person ask for?
- One picture per ten people. That will help keep people from taking advantage of me. So you get one, wait 10 in line, then you can request another at a later time.
What is the expected wait time per picture?
- Honestly that kinda depends on the complexity of the picture, but I will attempt at least one per week. If I get back to back pictures that are simple, then you can possibly expect two or more a week.
Can we offer our own character linearts to be colored?
- YES! I am actually expecting that to happen, so please don't be shy about it.
Do we require a character reference sheet?
- I would APPRECIATE if you had one so I can get the colors right, but it's not necessary.
-- Keep in mind if you have no colored art of your character and you hand me lines to it, you have to somehow give me colors (Like hexadecimal color codes) or I will color it however I want and you will have to accept that.
Are you going to claim any rights to the picture?
- Of course I will but to only the degree that I colored/shaded it. The lines remain the artistic property of the artist and the character itself remains the developer's. (IOW - Your character, the artist's lines, my coloring). As such, that means that altering the colored picture must be permitted by me first on top of any permission required by the line artist.
What quality of lines do you require?
- Solid, clean, inked lines. No chicken scratches, scanned images or sketches. I am a colorist, not a line artist. If I could draw, I would not be needing to have lines from others to work with! :P
-- IF YOU CAN GET THE PSD or whatever format file straight from the artist, I will more than gladly accept that!
What themes will you color (right now)?
- Sexual themes.
- Bondage and other kinky themes.
- Normal PG rated themes.
- Anything else outside of my "Will not color these themes" can be inquired about.
What themes will you not color (right now)?
- No gore, vore or anything portraying heavy violence, bodily damage or what might be considered an 'R rating' for graphical content that isn't boobs, dicks or whatever sexual stuff.
- No piss, scat or anything relating to bodily functions we keep in the privacy of the bathroom.
- Nothing that violates the ToS of FurAffinity (because I don't wanna get shut down, obviously)
- Basically nothing graphical in a gross or morally questionable way.
When does this offer/event end?
- It will end whenever I feel I've had enough practice for a bit, or if my hand/wrist is trying to twist off and rebel against me like a scene out of Evil Dead. I do have a bit of arthritis plus I have not perfected my technique yet so I am still putting unnecessary work on my arm... plus my work station is a bit awkward in its placement. I will not simply up and stop though. I will shut the door on more requests for a while, finish what I have THEN take a break. It's likely I will start again when I've had enough time to recover... or have more ibuprofen. >_>
What art program will you be using?
- SAI. It's all I got but it works.

There's more FAQ but I can't think of any. I'll add more when it comes to me. Have an FAQ I should put up here? Reply with one and I'll throw it up if it's relevant.


So you like what you see still? This is what I need from you.
- The Lineart (Clean solid lines of a proper resolution size) File. Hopefully the PSD or whatever if possible.
- Your Character Reference Sheet. If you have none, include hexadecimal codes for the various colors you wish me to use. Or you can simply say "Do what you want" and I will simply color it however the pen takes me!
- The artist's permission for me to alter/color the art. This permission must be in the form of a screenshot or a personal communication directly from them via FA (or SoFurry).
- A journal entry you have made linking back to this journal.


I think that's about it. Did I miss something? Reply here and I'll fix whatever needed fixed.

This event will start this coming Monday (09/22/2014)!
Pimp this journal if you think it's cool beans!

Time for a little obnoxious advertising.

So I have gotten wind of the latest gimmick that Squeenix has put out. Refer-a-friend. Normally I don't even pay attention to this stuff but... I... I need it. D:

They have a 2-seater mount that can only be obtained by referring someone to FF14 and confirming them paying for 3 months of time.

So.. I would love to refer someone to the game and get that mount. Make my month magical? If you are interested in the game and want a referral, let me know. If you end up playing on Balmung server (It's hard to create on there though unless in the mornings), I'll even help you out with learning dungeons, getting gear and teaching you how to play some of the classes.
Need the deal sweetened? I'll even craft gear for (up to) three classes up to level 40. Your pick of what class(es, any combination). Combat, crafting or gathering. I can HQ (High Quality) most anything up to 40.
I also know every dungeon and raid up to Coils T5 and Syrcus Tower, which are late-game raids, so advice is easy to obtain from me.

That's a pretty sweet deal for a beginner if you find yourself enjoying the game!


So yea.
On different news, I'm aiming to get in some coloring time soon. Gotta get the motivation back. The mojo has been out of reach lately. Soon though, I hope!

It will be on today, as Starbound's release is today whenever they get Steam to play nice with it.

My stream should be up within 15 minutes, so hop on in and sit tight! I'll have a co-host playing with me on my stream by the name of Chakat Blackstripe, so don't be afraid to give my co-host some love too.

Twitch Stream: twitch.tv/jesterlupine

So I ended up getting a set of Turtle Beach PX3's to replace the headset I had prior, and I love this headset, I honestly do. The sound quality is amazing, the internal battery on the headset lasts for roughly 9+ hours unplugged and it even has an auto-shutoff when no sound is coming through (after a 1-2 minute delay of course) so as to conserve the battery.

Here's the bitch of it though.
I've noticed that since I started using this headset, my tablet has been having issues. It will lag, it will react weirdly, it will even apply functions I didn't program into the pen's buttons when pressed.

I believe I found out why. It's the headset. The two are conflicting for some reason and I can't figure out a way to fix it. I've updated my tablet drivers repeatedly, I've updated the headset drivers repeatedly too. Apparently the next steps are basically messing with windows itself, and I am not going that far for a four year old tablet to play nice with my headset.

I think I need to start looking either for a laptop to do the majority of my art on with the tablet, or get a new tablet entirely.

Grr. >_<
/rantover

Upon the request of one of my beloved pets, I am cross-posting their journal here to spread the word.

---

(Copied from http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5083721/)

http://www.furaffinity.net/user/foxgirljade
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/foxgirljade
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/foxgirljade


The above artist -- -- is a very close friend of mine, and she is not doing so well. She needs commissioners to hire her. This year alone, she made $100. Drawing art is her primary income and she needs to move out of her current place due to depression, anxiety, and other issues caused by her family.

Please support this artist; buy artwork from her so she can get a nice place to herself so she can get better.

Just a point of notice for those watching me here. I have been active on SoFurry as well, so if you have an account there, check me out!

SoFurry link: https://raine-rylin.sofurry.com/?clean=1


Updates:
Been working a little on coloring, but not recently. Got a Scooby Doo picture colored and lightly flavored. Might still fix it up, might not. Depends on my mood.
Waiting on pen tips for my tablet pen. It's almost down to a nub, and that's hard to work with. The last thing I wanna do is run myself out of pen tip if I really need it before I get the extra ones.
Haven't really been streaming games that much lately, but I have been streaming my coloring almost every time. If you like watching random coloring with potential skype convos (possibly open), music or a movie in the background, just hop on in if you're subscribed to my Livestream or see it on my Skype/YIM status.
Been also debating on collabs with other artists (that can line/ink). That might be in my future, we'll see. I am fairly certain one of my closer friends and I will be doing some collab stuff soon. Keep an eye out!

Been looking at coloring lines from a few people. Their art may end up shown on my page and possibly theirs.
Looking to do more with
Waiting on confirmation from




Something's been going around the house. I make the joke it's the Black Death because of how bad I've heard my roommates cough sometimes. I'm hoping I don't get it. I always end up either never getting something that's going around, or I get it 20x worse than everyone else. That's not fun.

Anyhoo. That's the updates and shizz.

Despite being a quote more or less from the movie "Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift", this saying does hold a lot of truth.

"We surround ourselves with those that define us as a person."

When we take friends, lovers or whatever else, we look for qualities we find the most worthwhile, attractive, or structurally sound. Typically those are qualities we have ourselves.
Integrity. Honesty. Loyalty. Strength. Willpower. Friendliness. Compassion. Loving and caring. Etc.

These people can literally make or break us, depending on what they do and how they act. Sometimes we surround ourselves with people that do us good, and sometimes they're not so good. Sometimes we think they're good and they're actually bad. It's all a matter, in the end, of reminding yourself that at the end of the day, you go to sleep and you have yourself there in the dark.

After living in an abusive relationship where I had almost no control, then coming out of it and having time to recover, I realized this truth. We surround ourselves with those that define us. I had to start surrounding myself with people that were good for me. Good for my mental, emotional and physical health. Unfortunately that also meant I realized some of the people I had surrounded myself with weren't good for me... and even recently when I thought some of the people I was surrounding myself with were good, they really weren't. Especially one in recent weeks that nearly tore me apart. Some of those I had around me helped me recover because the damage I took was so shitty and unnecessary, and saw the pain I was in. You know who you are, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Though I endured pain and stress trying to help someone be a better person and was shit on in the end, I learned a lesson. I took from that person what was bad, and I added that to the list of things I need to avoid putting myself near.

We take things from our experiences and we learn from it, that's how we become better people. Don't let yourself get surrounded by those that would use and abuse you, or turn you into something you're not. In the end.. you'll be looking at only yourself in the mirror and you may not like what is looking back at you.



Some people don't deserve what they have surrounded themselves with either... and sadly only those that were grouped up will suffer for it, not the one that did the grouping.


Just remember all that and you'll hopefully avoid some pain that you might have otherwise unknowingly subjected yourself to.. or realize something already in the now happening that's not good for you and either work it out or eliminate it.

Just some life experience from a wolf that has learned the hard way, especially in the last few weeks, and a chunk of my life years ago I'll never get back. At least I can share the lessons and help others. :)
Many hugs to you all, and I hope that my experiences on this topic may help some of you in your own lives. Blessed be to you all. I need to go sleep now. Tired wuff.


PS:
For those of you thinking "Well you unknowingly surrounded yourself with some pretty abusive people Dusk, you're not an abusive person now for it are you?"
No, and it couldn't be farther from the truth. I learned what not to be, actually. I'm a loving, affectionate person that only wishes to see others smile and be happy. What I had surrounded myself with was a lot of pain, heart ache and empty promises and I suffered for it after I found out what those people really were on the inside. I'm just glad I didn't become that which I despise. Even recent events could have turned me into a vindictive, hate-filled and angry animal bent on destroying the latest person that hurt me the most and has a record of hurting others.. but I haven't.

To be honest, this journal was starting out as a big neon sign saying "Avoid (insert name here), for they are a scumbag and here's why"... but after emptying some of the anger and frustration that was still built up, and a good 7+ paragraphs (it was long and detailed...), I read it over and shook my head. That wasn't me, so instead I turned it from a warning and graphically detailed book (it was long..) to a life lesson I could share with others and feel better about. No reason to boil my own guts in frustration when I can possibly help someone with what I've learned.

So.. am I an abusive person from being around abusive people? No. I better learned what not to be, in the end. I am me.. and that's all I can ever be, because if I'm not me, then who am I? My happiness comes from those around me being happy... and I want nothing more than those around me to be happy and smiling, and living a good life as much as they can. What's the point of living a life full of bitterness, pain and resentment?

---

Any posts flaming me will be deleted, so don't even bother please. I'm not posting this to attack anyone. I'm posting it as a lesson some could live better with knowing and others may benefit from.

So I've colored two pictures so far of Kame-sama88's work and I found it both an adventure and satisfying, but I'm noticing that the more I have ahead of me, the more motivated I am. I knocked two pictures out in two days and took another picture a friend sent me of Spitfire and Vinyl with a motorcycle and colored that today, but when I was done I found my ... 'push' starting to sway. I colored in another set of lines a friend dropped into my lap and put that aside, then felt myself waning in my chair. I was streaming the whole time and by the end of it, I was randomly doodling (it was crap too, I keep telling people I can't draw for shit) and after about a half hour I simply gave up and closed the stream.

I noticed so far that if I have a stack of lines (A few pages at least), I am motivated and I am in the headspace, but without that I'm not.

Bottom line.. I need more, but I don't want to push people any more than simply asking occasionally. I even poked an artist while I was sitting in my stream and asked about getting some lines right then. I kinda feel a bit crappy for that now. :(

What do I do?

At least in my eyes it was.
Being given the gift of an 'artist boner' (that's what I call it now :P) is not something I ever thought I would get, but holy cow it happened. I can't properly describe the experience of Kame looking at his own lines after I finished and giving me the praise he did. He made me the happiest wolf three times over. Letting me try the lines, teaching me a few tricks in SAI and praising my work.

I actually had loads of fun coloring that picture, a lot more than I thought I would. I figured it would be me meandering through the lines... color color color.. grumble at something I fuck up on, redo something like 10 times, leave and come back to continue, etc. Ya know? But no, I stuck to it in one solid attempt and even streamed it for a few to watch and give me opinions and such.

Kame ended up appearing out of nowhere on my livestream of the coloring, taught me some things that really helped (like how to use transparency as a layer) and really inspired (I especially love the stabilization thing, that rocks) me, even pushed me to go the extra mile (the highlights of the hair/tail was rough!) and when I finished I dare say I might have been as proud of my coloring as he is of his lines. Seriously! I was so happy with how it turned out! Getting his approval totally made my morning and while the experience of start to finish in one session left my wrist upset with me, it was worth it ten times over to have Kame smiling.

Again, thanks Kame, you're amazing for letting me color your lines, geek out at my own work and letting me post it.

I'm looking forward to the next one! So far I have two artists (Kame included) open to lending me lines to color, so hopefully I improve a little on the second pic I do.

^____^ Happy Wolf! ~wag wag~

Ground swell used in this manner means "Attention, fanbase growth, fame, etc"

Ever since that lone day I jumped up to 110 followers on my gaming stream (www.twitch.tv/jesterlupine), I haven't really seemed to make any more progress.

In the time between then and now I wasn't streaming half this time and went through the sad event of my headset breaking (plastic broke, headphone hung off) and the happy moment of fixing them (braced the broken section with a piece of metal bent to keep the original headset shape, a somewhat permanent fix).

Now I'm streaming again and have been for roughly a week, but I haven't really gotten more followers. I lost some and gained like two more, but it's sitting roughly around 113 followers. What am I doing wrong?

Hell, I even advertise in a few spots (IM status, chat links) but still not much. I can't even pass 5 viewers again. ~sigh~
This is fucking depressing. I need help, but no one seems to be willing to just toss my link around and help me. :(

What do I do?

Honestly I only have two words for it, and those are "Holy fuck!" and a <3 thing too. :P

So in my last journal I said my first goal was to make 50 followers, a goal I figured would take at least a month or three. Yesterday I streamed a rather lengthy span of a specifically live-stream playthrough of a Skyrim character and I was totally unprepared for how well it would go. During the stream I found myself gaining watchers slowly, but before I knew it I had thirty or forty watching at once. By the time I ended the stream my follower base had gone from 20 to 110. ONE HUNDRED TEN! I also garnered roughly 3300 views in total so far on my channel. YAY!
\o/

It's safe to say I was totally caught off-guard at how well that stream went and how fast I blew my goal out of the water. I can only hope that future streams are even half as successful as that one was. My hopes for my game stream channel have increased though my thoughts on my Youtube channel have altered a bit.

If I jumped 90 followers in one session, jumping on youtube to start recording right off the bat would be a little hasty. I want to see how things go over like.. a few weeks. If I keep gaining followers and the popularity of the channel keeps climbing, then I'll see about working on my YT channel. For now, my focus is my Twitch gaming channel.

I'm liking how it's going to far. Here's to sharing fun with others!


On a side note that I believe I should share, one particular viewer/follower really made my day on Twitch. He said that it wasn't just him watching, but his whole family. Him, his wife and his two daughters (teenage of course), and they were all laughing and sharing in the fun of the stream. Ya know, it's things like that that really speak volumes. I made a whole family smile and laugh, and that's a damn good feeling.


For those wishing to watch the streams I do..
Twitch.tv/jesterlupine

Cheers, folks. :)

So lately I have been streaming games more instead of just playing them for myself. Get away from my game!
Kidding! :P

I love playing games and having others around to share in the rollercoaster they can be from "WTF!? BULLSHIT!" to "Holy shit did you just see what I did?" as well as the "OMFG THAT IS SO FUNNY!!?" and whatever else is in between. As such, I've streamed games on and off a little and ran a youtube LP a few times, but neither really caught on. Just recently I have been trying to advertise my game channel more and over time it has attracted a few folks, but within the last few days I have found a lot more eyes on my stream than usual. Of course, this makes me happy! I've managed to get the attention of 19 people in total and 6 have been in the last few days.

Now to some folks, 19 watchers is a small number. I have a roommate with like 10k watchers on their art and I know of a few folks that have converted their art watchers into game watchers through their streaming, ranging between 100 to 1,000 people. That's a lot!! I'm not an artist though, minus my photography (that I have been ignoring while re-arranging my life... ><; ), so I don't have the headstart that some folks on here do to that end. I don't mind it though. I want to start small and work my way up on my game stream just like I will with my coloring.

So today I have 19 watchers on my game channel and it's always best to set modest goals, so my first goal is the following. 50 watchers (followers) on my Twitch gaming channel. Once I get that, maybe 100. Maybe after that, I'll revive my YouTube LP channel if I haven't already by that point.

So.. for those interested, I have a gaming channel and I plan on making it a regular thing. It might be once a week, once every two days, maybe even an hour every day. Just depends on my mood and what's going on in First Life because that always comes first.

The channel is www.twitch.tv/jesterlupine
Feel free to come by and visit when it's up. The latest thing that I've been playing is Skyrim with a nice number of mods that add to the gameplay, difficulty and ease of use... but I also play plenty of other games.

And if you like it, share with your friends.

... can go suck one.
I'm single again on this crap of a day and will probably be reminded at least five times how much it can suck being single. On the bright side, I won't have someone bitching at me because I did something sweet instead of something out of this world. Seriously.. what's so bad about giving someone you are in love with a handful of multi-colored daisies? Some people just expect too much.

On a brighter note from my growling and ranting though, despite being single on the universal couple's day, I am still (a little) optimistic about finding someone that will make my heart beat a little faster in their presence. We'll see.

So... yea. Enjoy your day, couples. Doesn't mean I'm going to like it much though.

Bitch! Where's mah Money! Don't you make me get the pimp hand o... oh, wrong journal. AHEM.. >_>

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal...../#cid:28829055
This journal to a person looking to sharpen their skills by doing a run of free iron artist drawings. Don't forget to link their journal in yours too! Artists have to get known somehow. ^_^

Well I attended Friday and part of Saturday, but a migraine settled in and got to the point of light sensitivity so I had to be taken back to the house to rest. I had high hopes for the con, but there was some things that it was missing that I am used to with other cons, such as being bigger. That can't be helped though till it gains more strength, but here's to having faith for the next year's RMFC.

I don't regret going. It was wonderful to see lots of what I was told were locals, so that will be good for me making friends. Gods knows I need to work on my social skills a bit, as I was a terribly reclusive wolf back in New York for way too long.

So here's to progress and the future.. and hopefully the lack of migraines tormenting me at bad times.
Cheers.

Seems like a good con so far. Lots of good artists and other dealers, and even better is that plenty of them are local, as are a good number of the furs that are attending, so my hopes are up about making friends. Gods only knows I need more friends, especially local ones! Had a nice convo with a Minnesota dealer about BDSM hilarity moments.

I'll be there again tomorrow (Saturday) and probably Sunday as well. We're local so we just drive back to the house to sleep.
I am attending the con as Raine Rylin, so if you see me running about, feel free to say hello!

This is overdue, I'll admit that now.

So life dropped me in the 'Whirlpool of Wtf' as I'm calling it now after I was forced to leave my home of almost 5 years in Johnson City, New York. I had to take shelter under the roof of a (now ex) friend in Fleetwood, Pennsylvania. Quickly I found myself mired, more or less, in the house because I had no car of my own, I couldn't get much aid from the person I was living in the house with and was forced to my own devices of which I had none. Basically I was stuck in the woods near a town that had no open jobs, ten miles from any other job that would've taken me if I had reliable transportation. After a rather ludicrous incident involving me having a breakdown on a privately closed LiveJournal page and that friend somehow snooping into my locked LJ and getting upset at what she found, then refusing to accept my apologies even after I ripped the LJ down, I was running on fumes.

The valiant efforts of were well received when he helped me out after he sent me a care package with food, because the house had food but most of it I wouldn't trust to eat and ended up getting sick four times on, plus I am not eating something bugs crawled on or that may be growing a new species in the fridge. Add that on top of the fact that the roommates were eating ribs, steak... real food, and I only got a plate of it maybe once a week, and had to fish for scraps the rest of the time or eat plain rice. At the end of my rope in kissing ass with the roommate in various ways, my amazing came through for me and offered me a place to stay in Colorado, which I gladly took.

So here I am now in Broomfield, Colorado living with Jalen, his mate Flynn and the other housemates.. a LOT more sane and much safer than I was, especially since that very weekend I was picked up was also the last day before I had to walk.

So this journal is overdue but .. better late then never, right?
So this is to you, Tahajin and Jalen.. the two best pets, friends and packmates this wolf has ever had.
Cheers, boys.

And now my life is calmer, easier to deal with, and my stress levels are dropping. It was getting to the point that sleep came only in 3-5 hour windows every one or two days, but now I actually sleep again. I'm sore as hell, headaches are frequent and my anxiety has a mind of its own, but all that's mostly due to the change of region my body has to handle, plus lots of walking. Hopefully I will grab a decent job soon, and I was pondering on fixing up a certain car out on the curb.

Thanks again you too. I love you very much.



PS..
And of course, thank you Flynn and the rest of the housemates here for letting me have a room. Can't forget you either. :)

Yup.. that's my age today. Twenty eight years ago in some usual hospital in the average city of Columbus, Ohio I was born and in that state I was raised.

We'll see if today is a decent day to be twenty eight.


Will add the day's events, good moments and bad moments around midnight.

So I ended up getting sidetracked and not adding on. Oops.
Basically I still have yet to get -the- thing I wanted for my birthday. Still hoping.
I got a decent homemade meal. I like pasta. Other than that... not really a b-day I was happy with aside from a few folks wishing me well and one being a sweetheart.

So my roommate decided 100% that I have to leave. I have till June. She came back from one of her BDSM conventions and I was giving her time to deal with her 'Con Drop', but instead she comes at me in the computer room telling me that it's over and I have to leave, and that I have to sleep in the computer room from now on. My bed upstairs has been forfeit, apparently.

So now I have between now and June to find somewhere else to live with no money, few friends and no assurances on anything.

I'm regretting having been in a relationship with her. Through all these years we've had our ups and downs, but she's single-handedly caused the most stress on me of any woman I've been around, even to the point that I've ended up with Panic/Anxiety attacks that can be anywhere from uncomfortable to debilitating. I can't even handle most stresses I used to be able to shrug off now.

This sucks. I've basically sunk my own boat being here and now I'm not only without a paddle, I'm without a canoe.

Now all I can do is continue seeing doctors and pray that I can get disability before she kicks me out onto the street.

This hurts. It really, really hurts, and I don't know what to do.

Randomness abounds. Here's a random journal.

So I have been aching for some multi-player fun on some of my games, but not many I know of (and that's not many in the first place) can't host a game because of restrictions or just inability to do so for whatever reason. Port Forward has been my bane since ... ever. I don't know why, but I could never get it to work and could never wrap my head around why it wasn't working. I had given it the fifteen-bajillionith attempt when recently a friend wanted to play Neverwinter Nights 2 campaign with me but couldn't host. As if by some grace of a goddess, the one thing I was missing just happened to be staring me in the face obviously enough for me to notice and huzzah! The damn process finally worked. I finally got to host a game.

I was rather pleased. Now that I know how to deal with the ports, I can host little games with reasonably good latency. Got to play Terraria today with my wonderful friend, and pet, Jalen.

Sadly I don't trust my connection (or the actions of a certain roommate that's kicking me out or her download-happy son) enough to open this up to any moderate/large (like 4+) group on my end, but I'm always looking for a good group (or just a new partner) to play some multi-player games with.

Just thought I'd share this since it brought a smile to my face during a very unhappy part of my life. I can use all the smiles I can get. I also brought a smile to Jalen's face while we played. Makes it even more worth it. :)

So it has become known to me by my roommate that she has been lying to me behind my back about what her intentions have been for the last year or so, and that our involvement/relationship has come to an unfortunate end, at least on her side. She's called our relationship off and given me my eviction notice, more or less. I have till June to clear out.

This comes at a total surprise as she hit me with this after having gone to a 'friend's house' for some unknown reason for the weekend, refused to come back the night she'd left, and didn't show back up here at the house till mid-afternoon when she said she was on her way back mid-morning. The house was only an hour (or so) away.

If there's one thing someone should never do to me, it's lie. She told me she'd been dating for the last few months (at least), when every time I asked what she was going out to do, she answered with "Hanging out with new friends". Making friends and hanging out with them is not the same as dating with intentions of making a relationship. Lying to me is the most painful thing someone can do to me other than actually physically harming me or walking away from me.

Oh, and did I mention that she had increased how often she said "I love you" during the last few months too? The last time she said those three words was two days before she made this nut-shot of an announcement to me, saying "Whatever happens, remember that I love you." I was having some weird worries and made the remark that people do some fucked up shit in the name of love sometimes. Wow, how right I was.

So she does this and gives me till June to find somewhere else to live.
I have no income. I have no ability to get one either due to the anxiety/panic attacks that have riddled me for a while now. Working on getting disability. This doesn't help either. My hands are shaking, I can't think straight and it's like something broke inside of me and I know I want to cry my eyes out yet there's a numbness that's holding it away from me. I know that'll pass and the emotion will crash, I just don't know when. On top of all that I can't control the attacks now, even when I try to do breathing exercises or lay down. Even sleep last night, as terrible as it was, didn't help stop it.
I have no specific place I can fall back on. Thanks to my rusting ability to be social with others, I have few friends and fewer options. She knows this too. I also know her. She'll shove me out the door even if I don't have a place to go.

I really don't like this year already. I want a recount.

I don't seem to have very good luck with women, and this last one adds to that tally in favor of choices that went South.

Glad I stopped smoking a long time ago. I would've gone through two packs in the last 12 hours, I guarantee.
I'm also proud of myself for not really flaming on her. Much as I could, I just don't see that effort of typing really being worth it. I just hope I figure out what to do next. After I calm down, any way. It's not easy to type when your hands are shaking.

I've been stirred back onto here again and will admit that I have been lazy with my work, with bad luck strewn through it. Needless to say, It came to the point of replacing my computer this time. At any rate, I'll poke in more often. Hope everyone's doing well. :)

I tried out the free trial. Got to level 15, which is apparently the cap on the free trial, which kinda sucks as the first dungeon you get to is level 15 minimum. I can't seem to get into a dungeon party either, which sucks! I want to try out a dungeon!

At any rate.. I've totally fallen in love with the game and it's style. If I had tried RIFT out while I was still playing WoW, I would've just up and dumped one for the other. I'm curious if any of my watchers plays it. If I get it, I'd love to play with some folks! Just as reference though, I would be on the PvE-RP server.

90% of them requires a Reference handed in. While I completely understand the reasoning behind it, it still sucks for those of us without references that get completely pushed aside.

That rant is now out of my system for the week. >_>
Where's that damn female anthro dragon line art!? I can't find any! QQFACE!!

I'm guilty of it. It's the free stuff though, so no need to get your knickers in a twist. ^_^

Still looking for more free lineart though, especially of anthro wolf, feline and dragon types. Then again, if someone points me out to something nifty that's not any of those three, I might nab it too. :P

I plan on filling my scrap folder with my craptastic coloring skills, but I'm learning. Slowly I'm learning.
On the one I'm working on though, I am forced to re-ink the lines though. :S

Oh well. That's a status update! Not that anyone really reads my journals other than maybe two people... ~grumbles~