Only click the link below if you wanna see an ENORMOUS dick floppin' around.

http://imgur.com/gallery/91awB92

I hope everyone has a great VD!

I'm setting up a new skype account. If you would like to be included then please note me or leave your name here.

There was this loony in the waiting room holding a balloon. She asked me to hold the balloon for her while she went to the bathroom (because you can't just take it in there with you, that would be insane).

But then my turn came to go in and I didn't really know what to do with the balloon, so I just took it with me.

I saw the nurse first and one of the things they do is take your weight. He said, "You're a bit lighter than last time...let me take that balloon." But when I gave him the balloon, I went crashing through the floor.

As some of you may know, I don't actually celebrate Christmas. But, I do celebrate Anti-Christmas! Here are some of the rituals with which it's associated:

First, we take someone's tree, strip all the ornaments off of it and plant it out in the forest.

Then we build a massive tent over our house so that it's dark, even during the day.

On Anti-Christmas eve, we do anti-caroling. This is a little tricky, because while the opposite of showing up unannounced at someone else's doorstep and singing would logically be to schedule an appointment months in advance to go inside and stand silent, either way, somebody's going to someone else's house. You really have to use your own discretion here. I like to go around the marketplace singing Gwar's "I'm in Love (With a Dead Dog)" myself.

After that, we crawl up through strangers' toilets and steal gifts from all the little children in the house, leaving a few adult teeth above each pillow. We give the cookies and milk to the homeless and stuff each stocking with LSD-soaked blotter paper decorated with Spongebob and My Little Pony characters (kids watch that, right?).

After that, we all go to houses we don't own, thoughtfully select some decent gifts, wrap them and throw them down a mineshaft.

Melly.

Just wanted to pass along best wishes for everyone participating in the holiday. But even if you're not, I hope you'll have a good day anyway. Peace.

I now have a guitar. ^.^ It's a cheap piece of crap, but it's mine. XP

Haven't played in four years, so I'll have to build new calluses...my grip strength has deteriorated quite a bit as well. But, once I get back in the swing of things, you can look forward to some music uploads. Peace.

...but the next morning, when he logged into his account, he found that FurAffinity had

BANNED

ALL

PORN!

Mwuhahahahahaha!

I was out watering our pine tree when it had a coughing fit. I said, "Whoa, what's wrong?"

The tree said, "Ugh...went down the wrong way!"

Well, it started off as a normal, mundane sort of dream... I was in an arcade playing "Samurai Shodown" [sic] with one of the kendo instructors from "Bamboo Blade."

Then we and a couple of other people went into a public bathroom. There was foam box on the floor (one of those disposable coolers) that was partly crushed in. I opened and found a stack of files covered with bloody fingerprints. There was a photo of a dead baby floating in a toilet tank full of blood.

I handed out some of the papers to the others to read, then took a few for myself. Scrawled on the top page were the words, "I tried to punch one of them but they're like rock."

Then these people started to seep in through the walls...they looked kinda like the vampire from "Nosferatu," they were shriveled and pale as paper. I turned to leave, but there was one climbing out of the wall near the door...and his fingers started growing, snaking out over the walls, floor and ceiling. It startled me so much that I woke up. I decided not to go back to sleep. XP

From #

"The media frenzy on this is so insane that the journalistic pioneers over at TIME created their own "panda cam" of a stuffed animal on a chair, no doubt prompting furries everywhere to discover a new low in desperate masturbation."

XD Gave me a giggle, hope it did for you also. ^.^

I'm fond of minimalist ghost stories. These were written on Reddit, I believe.

http://imgur.com/gallery/x9LcY

1. What's your name?
Dwale

2. Do you know why you were named that?
"Dwale" is an old word for "deadly nightshade." I assume I was supposed to be dangerous.

3. What is your status?
Edible.

4. Have any abilities or powers?
I am a plant.

5. Stop being a hornswoggle!
No.

6. Uh... if you were to get in a fight with a strong wrestler, do you think you'd win?
I do know how to wrestle a bit, but am physically weak.

7. Riiiight... Have any family members?
The same human DNA used in my creation was also used in other chimerae. Five, to be exact.

8. Oh? How about pets?
I keep cats.

9. Cool, I guess. Tell me something that you don't like?
I strongly dislike argumentation, materialism and prolonged verbosity.

10. Something that you do like?
I am fond of art such as film, music, literature, et al. as well as being especially fond of plants and animals.

11. Do you have any activities/hobbies that you like to do?
I am a writer, singer and musician.

12. Have you ever gone through pain yourself?
A great deal.

13. Ever had a strange dream before?
Always.

14. What kind of animal are you?
I am a human/cat/rabbit/wolf chimera.

15. Your worst habits?
Substance abuse.

16. Do you have a favorite artist you look up to anyone at all?
That question is phrased poorly, however, I much respect anyone able to crystallize a meaningful vision.

17. Gay, straight, or bi?
I am bisexual.

18. Do you currently attend college?
I do not.

19. Ever wanna get married one day?
I want to, yes.

20. Do you have any fangirls/fanboys?
Only one.

21. What are you most afraid of?
Homelessness.

22. What colour is your hair?
Dark brown.

23. Eyes?
Hazel.

24. What do you usually wear?
At home, t-shirts and sweatpants. Going out, shalwar kameez or a Mao suit.

25.What's your religion?
Islam.

26.Do you wish this quiz is over?
Only now, because that is not a clever question.

27. Well, it's still not over.
It is if I decide so.

28. Anyways, where do you live?
On the beautiful Earth.

29. What class are you? (Low class, middle class, high class)?
I have no class. ^.~

30. How many friends do you have?
More than I deserve.

31. If you could change anything about you, what would you change?
My fragility.

32. What are your thoughts on pie?
Done well, it is pleasantly edible.

33. Alright. What's your favorite food?
Sushi.

34. Favorite drink?
Grolsch Red.

35. What is your favorite place?
Bed.

36. Least favorite?
Cities.

37. Are you still wanting the quiz to end?
I do not care.

38. Well, it's over you bonkerballs!
So it is.

I went and saw "The Conjuring" today. It didn't live up to the hype, but it was still a pretty decent movie with some good scares. I would recommend it.

 nathradas is taking commissions. That's the nice person who did this for me: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7297209/

There are still a few slots left, so see if you can't grab one before they're gone. Nath is one of the best artists on FA and her prices are very reasonable!

EXPLOSIVES

Doing a batch of 5 sketches for the winners, link below:

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4643650/

A lot of people ask me how I make instant ramen so delicious. Actually, no one does, but here's how it's done.

You will need...

1 packet of instant ramen noodles
chili powder
crushed red pepper
1 jalapeno (preferably steamed)
tabasco sauce
soy sauce
salt

Put your water on to boil. Add salt, chili powder and crushed red pepper to taste.

Whilst waiting, you can dice that jalapeno. Leave the seeds in, they're the best part!

Boil noodles for three minutes or so. Drain off all of the liquid.

Add the flavor packet to the noodles, but you might wanna open it first. Add chili powder, crushed red pepper, soy sauce and tabasco sauce to taste. Add diced jalapeno somewhere in there. Stir.

Eat immediately. This...this dish does not age well.

Just throw your arms up and give a single un-ironic "Yay!"

I know that many of you think you are too cool to do this, but you are deeply mistaken.

"[...] for there is no competing with the sea in a man's affections, since she is both mother and mistress, and she will wash his corpse also, in time to come, wash it to coral and ivory and pearls."

~ Neil Gaiman

I'm now a member of the  furwritersguild b^.^

More details here: https://www.sofawolf.com/products/hotdish

Or if you don't feel like clicking that, it'll be available to order online come March 18th. I recommend that you buy ten or fifteen copies so that you'll have backups. ^.^ And be sure to tell the publisher that my story was awesome, it'd make me look good. XP

just wanna crawl under a rock and stay there?

Stands for whatever you decide. Feel free to get creative.

By the by, it's also my birthday. ^.^

EDIT: Do sign your wishes so I know who they're from. But thanks, whoever you are!

A lot of people do this, so I thought I would give it a try. Ask me any question and I'll answer it. If you're lucky I may even tell you the truth! But, if I'm not comfortable answering a question, I'll say so. So, come on, it'll be fun.