Hey Everyone,

Been looking around for someone who can draw animals well. And by animals, I mean regular, non-anthro animals. I have a thing I would like commissioned for a family member to kind of help them out.

Basically, my sister (cat person) has recently lost three cats. 2 of her own and one she was attempting to adopt out. Kind of heartbroken over it (I mean, who wouldn't be.) But she's been in a huge funk over this. I feel doing something nice for her might get her out of it.

My idea is just the three cats in a memorial-looking picture (facing the viewer, sitting, and just looking cute). Something that she could put near their urns. Either something like on a painting canvas or something we could potentially print out and put in a frame.

We (and by that, I mean she) did something similar for my mom when our family dog passed away years ago. So I figure it would be nice to show her and her animals that same kind of compassion.

If anyone knows anyone who can draw/paint/etc. animals really well, please let me know. I'll ask them about openness, details, and other matters. And just to be clear, I am totally willing to pay for this (artists got to eat too right, fuck choosingbegger types of people). I'm searching myself, but I don't really know anyone who is open right now (and I'd trust you guys' thoughts).

Any information or references would be appreciated.

Hey. It's been a long while, hasn't it? I gotta say, aside from the occasional favorite or comment, I really haven't been interacting with many people outside my discord server. After the loss of a job and apartment, I fell into a pretty bad depression. I may still be recovering from it, but I want to say I am bouncing back and hopefully will get things back in order to be social and furry again.

Obviously, the loss of a job was quite hard, and I didn't really feel like moving out of state or really taking any kind of enormous risk without some capital behind me. It took a while, but I'm now bouncing back from that with my new job. Initially a part-time technician and customer service agent, I've moved to a full-time one. Shortly, I'll get benefits back like health insurance and things of that nature. Our company is also massively expanding, so we're getting new things too (especially being full-time now) like retirement plans or financial assistance for school (I could probably give getting my Master's another shot). I'm reducing debt and will hopefully be back on my feet as a stable person within a matter of months.

During the silent time, I really didn't do much socially. I usually played games on Saturday with my Discord Group, but that was about it. I'm starting to reach back out, though. Currently, I am mostly playing familiar games like Left4Dead, Monster Hunter: World, Phasmophobia, and Consuming Shadow. Hell, I've even gotten back into Team Fortress 2 now that the bot crisis is pretty much handled. (Note: there are still the occasional cheaters, but now they no longer outnumber the players, and their effectiveness is pretty much manageable. It is still freaky as fuck to hear bots talk, though).

I haven't really done... any drawing, though. I am kinda stuck and hesitant to get back into it. Just... lacking ideas, honestly. I've actually spent time writing. You may have guessed from my avatar that I've also gotten back into My Little Pony (specifically, Gen 4; I've heard... lukewarm things about Gen 5). It is kinda the subject I've been writing about, primarily crossovers with various horror games (The aforementioned Left4Dead, Phasmophobia, and Consuming Shadow). I was only working on the L4D one, but I tried some writing exercises when I got stuck and have now made... three. They're still kinda in progress. The CS and L4D ones are REALLY difficult to write (hell, the left4dead one has been 10 YEARS in the works). The Phasmophobia one is going alright, but I'm still stuck and trying to push past the blocks. Being creative is hard. I also need beta-readers/proofreaders just to make sure it is still engaging and in character. But I do like what I have so far. I may upload some here just for that so I can get critiques and the like.

And apparently, Georgia's opened a few Marijana depositaries lately. Its legal status is still kinda questionable (from what I've read, it has to be a certain level of THC to be sold here) but these dispensaries have enough legal citations to clarify that they can operate in this state and sell things for recreational purposes. I'm willing to make a drive to the closest one and give it a shot. That stuff did wonders for anxiety a few years ago, but I'll obviously need to get better at moderation. Seeing as I am working with my issues from soda intake (down to 2-3 a day from 7, yes 7), I feel like I should be okay now that I have some kind of self-control.

I am sorry that I have been dead on all social media and not reaching out. I stopped using Twitter a while ago (politics, especially the shitty ones we have now) make me too uncomfortable (I'll still support my causes like Women/Gay/Trans Rights, Pro-Choice, and things that put more personal freedoms on people. I kinda forgot telegram existed save for a couple of occasions, so I've really only been active in Discord (specifically my gaming channel) and in Steam. I'll make an effort to reach back out to the awesome people (read: everyone I know and have talked to, most likely you), so I hope we can resume our friendship. I hope things have been well in the time I've been dormant. A year can change a lot of people, and I know we're still mired in the effects of Covid, so I know it hasn't been easy on a lot of you all.

But I thank you for hearing me out and being a part of my life. I wish you the best and hope that I can bring that same spark/enjoyment back into your lives that ya'll have put in mine. Miss you all a lot.

~Vlux (Dwarf_Ninjas)

[CW: Accusations of pedophilia, boy that's a way to start one of these]

Alright, I admit I try not let others dictate what fun I have. Especially my folks. It's not that I dislike them or distrust their opinions on the world view, nor should I care because I am [b]32 fucking years old[/b], but there is somethings that still get to me whether or not I want them to, and I feel I have to share said opinion to get it off my chest.

I recently got back into skateboarding and even bought myself a new skateboard deck with a cool design to thrash. I searched on google and found a couple of skate parks nearby. Even when unable to go, we have a small parking lot that I can practice in close to my house. Point is, I have a lot of opportunities to practice.

The thing that gets on my nerves is that when I tell my folks about my intentions of going to a skate park, their first response is "Be careful". Not out of getting hurt, something common with skateboarding, but more dealing with other adults who bring their kids. They're worried I might be seen as someone who is "not suppose to be there", "being there for ill intentions". Cutting to the chase, they're worried I might be identified as a pedophile instead of a skateboarder.

I cannot tell you how much this fucking hurts to hear. I know there is no "real" look behind predators, criminals and the like, but the first thing is I think of is how I look. Second, there is the undeniable fact that aside from being sociable, I will probably have to talk to some stranger, regardless of age. Especially with kids who don't understand the flow of the skatepark and sometimes sit on obstacles or go out of "turn", and combined with my own social anxieties, this plays right into those anxieties and makes me even more paranoid having to watch what I do off the board as well as on the damn thing.

I could try and write this off if it was only one person doing it, but the fact that almost every member of my family shares this fear, extended included and seemingly independent of each other, is putting some serious fucking doubt on me wanting to continue this hobby. This has been going on for a few weeks, but reached a boiling point yesterday when my sister brought it up.

Straight up, there is no defending pedophiles. Kids are innocent and shouldn't be exposed to anything adult until they're "ready", which should be late teens/early twenties in my opinion. This is something that we in our fandom deal with (even if its a different side) having to protect ourselves from kids/the underaged from viewing adult content, especially if you are a producer or sharer of said content.

I am pretty sure this is just my folks being paranoid about the world and them wanting to watch out for me, but it really hits the complete opposite way that (I hope) they intended. It could be because they see skateboarding and skating in general as a young teen kinda sport where it's really open to all ages (Tony Hawk is in his 50s and other skaters like Aaron Kyro invite people of all ages to start skating). Regardless, it just makes me feel

Big thanks to a few friends of mine for letting me bounce this journal off of them before posting and cooling down some. Although I don't think I will quit skating or drawing because of what others tell me, being accused or even hinted at something so disgusting kinda has thrown off my mood a bit, and I wanted to share to either prove my fears are unjustified or to at least get a different view point of the thing.

Sorry if this journal made anyone uncomfortable. I know talking about it != actively engaging, but even discussing about kids in a sexualized manner is (to me) gross and uncomfortable.

So, something amazing happened. I was given a bunch of new cords, USB type A male to USB Mini A ports, which is what my microphone and tablet use.

For the longest time, I had a LONG version of this cable, which I used with my tablet. It was great for drawing, but for the longest time, I thought my tablet was busted because I couldn't use half the functions on it, like the eraser.

These new cables prove something was wrong with the old one, as my tablet has been restored to full functionality.

Problem is the cables are short, so I ordered a USB extension cable to compensate. It will be here within the week.

Now: On to the question.

I have the following apps:

-GIMP
-OpenToonz
-Aseprite
-Kitra
-Clip Studio
-Sia

Aside from Aseprite, which is used for pixel art, I am not sure which program to really use. Could someone who has had experience with any or more then one of these programs let me know what their preference is and ways to use them effectively? I would be most appreciative as I am trying to get more into drawing with the tablet now that it works.

Any information is helpful.

Time to go on reckless behavior to test it. (No not really). Hope everyone else is doing well and moving towards getting their vaccination. Didn't take that long this time and hopefully will wind down this pandemic.

As for me, I am now debating what to do with the rest of my day: Skateboarding, drawing, gaming or relaxing. I hope you all have a good day <3

Just letting you all know that my recent silence is due to having had an unfortunate move from my apartment to my sister's home. As I mentioned, I lost my job, so I lost out on the ability to pay for my place.

I am okay though, even having lost some things in the move and breaking up with Femzy to repair the relationship with my folks, I am working towards getting better and being better. Thankfully, I am in a safe place where my needs are able to be met.

I have a new job and have slowly been returning to old hobbies. So hopefully things will pan out and be well in the future.

So in short, I'm still here. :)

But I still feel young. Only 31.

Let's just say the 30th year of my life has been eventful, both for myself and everyone. I am still keeping a stiff upper lip, despite the covid, the loss of a job and the general frustrations I have been feeling both on the artist and game dev side of my life. I have great friends and family all across this little world of ours and I want to let ya know, I still care. I hope you all are safe and having a good time in your lives. Thanks for having me c:

I have all the time in the world now that I don't have a job and have a limited window to search for them.

I haven't drawn anything in a while.

I have all these tools like aespirte, clip studio and kitra, while also having sketchbooks out the wazoo.

Would anyone like something: an icon, a sketch or a doodle? From traditional to digital? If you suggest something below, I will consider drawing it.

EDIT: Words

I don't know where I can post this to reach the most of my friends, so here it goes.

I lost my job today.

Terminated. For poor performance. Can not say I fully agree, but I cannot say I disagree either. Since our job forced us to work from home and my anxiety attacks/depression became worse, I wasn't sure if my performance was suffering as much until I got a memo stating so. I tried to hope and work for improvement then and there. But eventually I was put on the performance improvement plan, because they felt I wasn't taking it seriously enough. What didn't help at all was the number of technical problems we have had as well as inconvenient timing of switching between two different time sheet monitoring programs. Twice. Within a 90 day period.

I don't know what to say, nearly 7 years. Just burned up.

Well, I guess I can go back to having a social life. Or put more time into art. Or start watching animes I've been meaning to catch up on. Or fix the computer stuff I need to fix. Or program something game related.

But I need to find a new job and fast...

Like I need more I need more stress in my life. But hey, I did just lose a bunch of stressors, right? Maybe now I won't feel like I have such a toxic relationship in my life.

Hey everyone, I hope things have been well for you all.

I am still here, trying to draw and code myself up some new projects. I was thinking of making pixel art and games and thinking of uploading some of that here.

I also want to get into getting back into sketching and hopefully coloring, so expect something in the near future.

I miss ya guys, if you ever want to chat, all my message contacts are below. Feel free to hit me up.

I tell ya folks, it is really hard to want to be social and optimist these days. I don't even mean that in terms of dealing with the Coronavirus.

I can explain what I mean further for those curious. But, at this point, it has gotten to where playing games are a chore, drawing becomes more of put down exercise and work, which I have been lucky enough to keep my head somewhat afloat, is full of fear and confusion.

Then throw in the pandemic, which is its own kettle of fish, and the incompetence of the people in Washington, the people in it and the people around it. I know it is not something people do <and in my opinion, read: should do>, but I always feel that politica stuff a bit too close to home.

Speaking of home, things with my folks are no closer to being settled on friendly terms. It is amazing how much use of certain words can really paint a completely different picture of a person.

Know I am still here. Apologies for the last journal, I am still not in the best of moods or best of minds. Please, pardon our dust.

I am still alive, as much as staring at a computer screen contemplating about myself my family and my life in general can be called living.

Fuck 3 months of thinking of what to post and thats the best I can come up with.

whatever, its an update, and no I don't care.

Here is to 2020, a new year and a new decade, with new beginnings and new challenges out there.

Let's start this on a positive note, tell me what you're doing tomorrow!

I still doodle. Every day. Draw, every day. I've drawn some pretty weird and good things.

I am terrified to post it though.

Just an FYI for everyone, I was recently in and out of a hospital's OR room on Monday into Tuesday twilight hours.

Something simply stupid: I choked on some pork lion. Rather large one, spent 5 hours trying to unsuccessfully dry heave it out, but I had to be operated on.

I just wanted to let everyone know I am alright though.

Whooooooo.

How is everyone?

Just wanted to say, no matter what happens. Things will work out. I ain't giving up.

:3

Title says it. Thinking around 4.

Gonna try to see how far I make it. I will finish this game.

[Long story short, I am about to have a major melt down in this journal, so for those who don't wish to see it, you have been warned. And believe me, I am sick of these things as you are]

I am determined to not enjoy myself. I am determined to be miserable and sad and “woe is me” … fuck I can't even finish typing it. My fingers feel like they are twisting apart...

I realize recently how much I hate myself. An... unhealthy amount. The only way I can describe it as being trapped within my own body. Desynchorized from it. I feel like I am in my own head, shouting through the empty halls but only hearing my own echo. My own innervoice feels like it is not me.

And its been this way for.... who knows how long.

And what I had to think from this, well, my own self confidence issues speak for themselves. I judge myself too harshly on everything. I don't enjoy a damn thing. Can't enjoy artwork because its not up to par. Can't enjoy games because I can see how they work. I feel like I cannot enjoy anything anymore so all I do is sit and veg. Pot is the only thing that gets me off my ass to do something, but even then its beginning to fail.


Combine this with the shit from my family and how I feel the entire world is pulled out from under me. I feel like the one thing, the one shield I had in all this, my optimism, the one thing that would get me through anything in life shattered. Just realizing how the world was scene from another perspective, perhaps for the first time, and all the inner workings... broke me.

And the best part of this sundae... I feel like I deserve it. I feel like I deserve this pain and deserve to sit here and rot. Suffering from the cognitive dissonance. Reliving growing up as a privileged kid with abusive parents, then trying to find justification for the abuse, or justification for the revolt. My brain just goes on 20 all the fucking time, and it drives me to the point of tears.

For the last few months, I have accumulated a ridiculous debt, done things that I swore I would never do as a kid, and tried to finally follow my dreams of being either an animator or a game designer. All while not enjoying it, determined to hate it, fear to progress and to just let other people do it better.

The recent medical bill that hit, I am hoping was a wake up call. Because the only two outcomes is I finally start bouncing back from this depression and actually mean it. Start enjoying who I am, be responsible, and be the person I should be.

Or start wandering, don't look back, and let what happens happen.

Hey, would anyone like some commissions. A recent medical expense has left me a little financially dry and I could use the extra scratch.

I like doing traditional stuff and work better with concepts. Who wants some :o

Come and join me on a stream of Sly Cooper and the Thevious Raccoonus. I have no idea if I spelled that correctly.

https://www.twitch.tv/dwarf_ninjas

Just got myself Mario Maker 2.

Plan to stream this stuff, but I also hope I can make some good levels.

I will post my levels up here if anyone wants to try them :3

Update 1: Seems the creative spark isn't there, but damn, its hard to pull out. First Course:

*Trooper Squad: 5MT-MD9-5CG.

https://twitter.com/Dwarf_Ninjas

Come and join me for a little streaming of Monster Hunter Gen Ultimate. Join is if you wish

Hey everyone, I just wanted to give some updates about a few things going on in my life right now:

Mental Health

While the road to recovery has been slow as Vey Hek over here, I want people to know that there has been a lot of progress over these last few weeks. I think the biggest thing is finally admitting a few thing about my dad and how he is the [bleep] two bit [bleep] [bleep] piece of [bleep] horse[bleep] that has ever [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] with a god [bleep] fire hose. And that as much as I love his side of the family like my brothers and sisters and my nieces and nephews, the man him self is only a sperm donor and nothing more.

Also, biggest things that I beat myself up for are usually past events that hold no significance now. Things like being a bully when I was in grade school, stupid things said, pretty much any negative thing I have done I continue to hold and punish myself for despite what happened no longer being relevant. I do not think of myself as a mean person any more, but when I think about some of the bullshit I pulled growing up, it really hurt to think about. Welp, no more. While I won't be doing it again, I also won't punish myself for doing thing as a kid. Its the kinda crap you laugh over.

Pride Month

Which transitions nicely into this bullet, PRIDE MONTH. I hope everyone has a happy one and I think I might be finally ready to have pride in myself to do something for pride month. I do not know what yet, and its kinda ticking away. I do not have to do anything, but I want to do something for the folks that mean a lot and to have some pride in myself ^^

Streaming

And finally, the topic of streaming: First off  zynoth_rexel and I are doing streaming over on twitch. I am working on getting some equipment so we can stream some newer and older games. One we are planning to do sometime soon is Monster Hunter Generations Ultimate. I will post a journal link when it is ready and (hopefully) have an image to go along with it. <3

First: Spiderman, Into the Multiverse

Wow, it took me forever to get to this movie, but in the end, this was the exact thing I think I needed to see.

I love almost everything about this movie and a friend gave me a digital code for it, so I plan on loving him for a while.

If you haven't seen the new Spiderman Movie: Enter the Multiverse, watch it! Watch it! It is really fucking good.


----

Second: Streaming

I had an issue where it does not work on my current computer, so I am currently troubleshooting that. I will look into finding resources to help with my streaming issue, but I am going to make that a more regular thing. Art streaming and game streaming. Thinking just how to go about it. Actually get something going ya know.

Since Monster Hunter world did not pan out today, I am thinking of other things or maybe doing multiplayer games with friends. I am trying to figure out how specifically to play it out, but I hope to have some streaming done soon :3

----

And finally, Spiderman and Streaming

I found this old spider man game that actually meant a lot to me growing up, so I figure I would play it for the stream. The good news is that I already have a set up for recording PlayStation games. I hope to get some of the set up done and hopefully I can stream that game, it was actually one of my big favorites growing up :3. That and Twisted Metal, which I found ways to play that too, so... eeeeee :D