I have a few friends over and we couldn't think of anything to do.

So here we are playing Thievius Raccoonus.

Come and see us here: https://www.twitch.tv/dwarf_ninjas

So, this was kinda the worst FWA I ever had but it was also the best. I say this completely independently of the con itself though. Cuz, you know I got ties to Atlanta. The con itself is (as always) awesome and I love the people who work so hard, also because I'm also friends with them. :3

I also want to shout out and give my love to my friends like Cinna (who I don't seem to have on my watch list and need to fix that), who did such a great job with a few chats so I could be connected with ya'll <3

Pretty much, the reason the con might be the worst is one big thing: I got sick mid con. It wasn't with anything like the flu or con crud, or godforbid measles, it was just because on Thursday and Friday, I overexerted myself at FWA, both from stressors like having an anxiety attack and just pure giddyness of FWA. Cuz of that *Fart noise*

Anyway, so Saturday I was completely asleep, just that fact alone saddens me. But now, it is what it is. And sunday, I was just kinda disheartened by the fact I didn't have the chance to really hang out.

But the reason I still say it is the Best one is because even though I was only with a few of my friends for a very short time, I was still with people I care about and hopefully, those I wasn't able to hang with long or at all will know that it was not their fault and I wasn't avoiding them. I just had an issue, but they happen.

Hey, if you were at FWA, wanted to hang out and didn't know I was there, but plan to go next year, fuck let's something up now.

Anyway, the long and short of it is that despite not attending it for long, I did enjoy FWA. I got some cool stuff, some cool art, and had a fun time. Sure I wish I could do the panels I could have done, hung out with some of my friends who were in artist alley for most of the time or just hang out with the people I failed to hang out with at all, but life is what it is.

Since now FWA is a year away and I do not have any other cons planned, I will spend this year to just sell some art. If you all want art, you are in for the mother load and feel to request some. I won't do every request, but I just like having drawing ideas. I hope to do something with them. (hell, we just have fun talking about the weird stuff) ~<3

And finally, some great news on my anxiety: The last few weeks, especially FWA, were very eye opening. I kinda stopped that whole toxic mindset of seeing other people as gods. I feel that the only thing that gets in the way of me enjoying myself is me sometimes. I know the why and what it does, and I also know what to do to fix the issue, but still behave like the nut I usually am.

Long story short: I really do feel back, and it feels great to be back. Sure, it was my folks, specifically my dad, that is the reason I have had such trouble expressing myself, I am okay with that, forgivien him and moved on. I had an unusual FWA this year, but even then I still enjoyed it, and cannot wait till next year. And finally, gonna be drawing. Just maaaaaan uploading them is long.

Love ya'll~

Hey everybody.

Things are very, very, different in my life then where I thought I'd be a few years ago, when I went to my first FWA. Its been about... 12 years since my first one, and I gotta say, I never thought I would be where I am today.

This is kinda where I want to be. Cuddling with good company. And now I feel that I can do so without a weight on my shoulders.

I really do not know what tomorrow brings, and I am afraid to face it, that doesn't mean I am going to back down.

I have plans to do so many things at FWA this year. See a few panels, meet a few friends, have dinner at meat faucet, and have dinner with friends :3.

This promises to be one epic weekend. And I cannot wait :D

So. It happened. I had thoughts that this would happen, I thought I could brace myself for this and/or the fallout. Course, I don't think anyone could be prepared...

Long story short: My family doesn't approve of my girlfriend and has been wanting her to leave so she isn't a burden to me. Welp, I told my dad and mom at a psychologist meeting that I think this is a big misunderstanding.

Welp, my dad showed his support by saying that he wouldn't waste his time with someone who lied to him for 14 years (?!) and walked out of the appointment. He also threatened that I should never darken his doorway ever again.

So, yeah... it was skeptical before, but now it is confirmed. I'm disowned.

Yesterday I pretty much cried my eyes out. Today I am trying to not think about it, but it is quite hard.



.

So, everyone, I figure I would post this update just to explain what be going and keep ya'll up to date.

As ya'll know, I am an over-analyzer. So much so that I over-think my over-thinking. On top of that, my mouth goes faster than my brain, so I can sometimes blurt out really stupid things. Not sure if these are just parts of my personality or actual issues with self control that can get meds for or just.... derpty doo. But constantly worry about this has lead to constant anxiety. The worst part is that it multiplies, because you know about it, you over think it, and you use it as either excuses or something just hits you and makes you realize something.

This has lead to MAJOR confidence issues. I have never really had faith in myself sometimes and as a result, I have break downs constantly.

However, I want to say this is going to change. Somehow, some way.

At the moment I am just doing what I can to focus on pushing past these issues, and that is gaining confidence. I am doing what I can so I do apologize if I seem irritable or like that, but I am working to be a better me.

That means admitting some things, some things that are tough to admit. So I apologize if what I say seems rude.

Know that what I speak is usually roo'd, but I am just determined to be me.

---

Another thing, I am going to try more uploading and now going to try figure improving and working with getting an image complete. Not sure of what steps, not sure what other areas are still bad, but I am going to continue working on art.

Feel free to throw request ideas my way. I like the potential of listening to ideas I really like, and hope at the chance to draw them. I may not draw everything that is requested or I want to, and not everything will go the way I want it, but I am not going to assume people wouldn't want to see the idea. If it inspires someone else, that is the most I could hope for. And I like to be strange with my artwork.

---

Finally, if you were in my discord server at one point, but are wondering why you aren't: at some point in time during this anxiety episode, I deleted it in a panic. I am going to try to not do that again, but I am also attempting to bring the server back. Not sure how I wish to build it, but just keep an eye out for a way to rejoin it. Vlux's pouch will slowly reopen to the public.

And guys, just.... a big thank you for hanging around through all this. Old me would say something like "I do not know what you see in me", but instead, I feel like saying something like "I am glad I can bring a little smile to your day, even if it is an awkward chuckle".

Alright, people, so its been a while since my last update.

Its been a full month, I am working with my family (both blood and relationship) to get myself better. It is quite hard and I fear having to make big decisions about it, but at least I know that things are slowly getting better.

And as ya'll have seen, I am getting more into the swing of art. Honestly, to my artist friends, there has been a meme going around twitter about Comparing your old art, new art, and then an inbetween bit. That has been FUCKING eye opening. Let's just say, I have been fans of my friends for a LOT longer then I knew. I implore you to keep at your craft, just like I'll keep after mine.

I'll be trying to draw things as much as possible. If you guys want, I am always open for a request or two, I just have to like the idea. So feel free to throw things my way :P

For now, I will continue to work with being a better me.

[This was my attempt to make light of last night's situation. Figure I would be honest.]

So, yeah, last night, for anyone who say, I posted some disturbing tweets. Followed by the FA journal, I realized that my friends who knew what was going on panic and those who didn't worry. I appreciate the help for everyone who got in contact with me again.

I do not remember a lot of who I said to what, but I want to let you know that I will be okay.

Something hit me two nights ago. I was at DnD with a group a friends when I just started to panic. As I was drawing and letting my pencil do what it does (barf on the paper, and I mean that in a jokey, positive way). I wasn't playing this round, because I want to do something fun for a later story idea with the character I will make up. But since I was kinda there with nothing to do, I would thought I read. Brought the animator survival kit to read and started learning about animation and things.

But as I read the book, I started to freak out. It wasn't that the material was hard. If anything, its just taking old tools and applying them with new concepts. But I was freaking out because there was just so much of it. It was so much information that my brain tried to process it all at once and I felt like a bot as their brain shorts out.

Given how I am still relatively new with tablet art, and figure drawing, and.... I guess in general, I just felt out of my league and had another panic attack. On top of that, looking at the game I was missing and the socialness of the situation in front of me. I just feel like I do not have the time or attention span to focus on one thing.

This was my thought process that night, and as it just went further and further, I had to stop reading the book and do something else, tried drawing, tried listening to music, tried not doing anything. Nope, mind lost to racing thoughts.

I sometimes feel like I constantly lose battles to pictures in my own head and never really know how to say it. I am also afraid to say it because I feel that if I do get help in the form of medication or something, I might no longer think of the fun situations and lose out on my creativity. I know that medication really DOESN'T do that (a common thing I have seen in shows is people who are weird and fun start taking a medication or make a change and quickly flip into a boring dullard and everyone misses the fun person. An aside, but I have always wanted to see something like that done from the perspective of the person given the drugs rather than the others.). But even knowing that medication doesn't do that, I still have doubt.

I do not know if this rambling makes anyone feel better about my situation. Hell, I am sure that what I was trying to imply here was obvious. I didn't mean to worry anyone, its just. I guess I feel like have a massive inferiority complex and just do not know how to word my problems. I always imply some kinda vagueness and I do not know why I do it even when it is a serious moment and getting to the point is crucial.

Sorry to everyone who tried to help or at least worried about me. Hell, sorry to anyone who is confused.

I just sometimes wish I could think straight for one minute.

I crashed and am crashing hard right now.

I guess once again I put the cart before the horse and am getting punished for it.

I honestly have no idea why I keep picking myself up again. All it is is me constantly hurting myself and others I try to help.

Fucking just do not know why I goddamn exist.

When did that happen!?

Huh.... Cool. I should do something....

Uh.... Butts.

So, I believe my art is getting better, and I know I'm good at gaming and hoping to get streaming to be a thing: but..... how about some writing?

I wouldn't be writing things like stories (or at least I wouldn't call them stories). It would more just be situations that have no context going in and describes a scene. Figure just to get a poll of ideas, which ones seem like fun ones to try, commission or the like. Also, since it would be public, I honestly wouldn't mind simply just being mentioned.

Just thinking of things as I draw. :P

Good Afternoon everyone,

Just wanted to let you know we have Vlux streaming in Aisle 7, repeat, Vlux streaming in Aisle 7. It will be Gaming related, Halo, on the Xbox.

Click this link to head on in and see stuff.

]Click this link to go no where.

INCLUDING YOU! CUZ I'M DOIN' IT. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BEING A THRALL.

In all seriousness, Since I am kinda bouncing back from this depression thing and working on being more social and out there. I am really trying to keep up with digital arts and art uploads.

One thing I was thinking about was also doing streams, both of art and of gaming. I got the set up for both. If you guys would like, I can host streams for you.

There is also a few other things that I am looking into changing and being out there. Trying to bring back my old discord server, this time with a bit more of social and expression element :)

I am also thinking about a blog like thing, so check my twitter or tumblr to stuff. Tumblr I am not sure about, due to the porn ban.

So, This weekend, prepare for a stream. Of what I do not know, will probably do that on the fly. I want to work on some art, so always feel free to suggest stuff.

So, here I sit, trying to set up my tablet with Clip Studio Paint and think of things to draw.

If you post an idea here, I will read it and maybe draw it. Any ideas, so long as you post it here.

Me right now.

I feel like got my grove back.

The bouncy pink kotterox is .... BACK BABIES!

Never been comfortable about the idea of Nuking...

Aside for the fact that the art in question is old and is not actually lost as I have a back up of it, I do have a question on the concept of nuking stuff.

I do not want to make it seem like I am ashamed of these pieces, or any piece I draw honestly, but the reason I am thinking of cleaning them up just to have a bit more organization within the page.

ON THE OTHER HAND, I always feel like any time an artist deletes old work, it sucks. Even if their art has improved by leaps and miles, it still feels weird that they would go to the effort to delete it, especially if it may have had an interesting concept or inspired others. (For the record, I do not think my art is at that level, especially my old art, ) Especially how the internet is, it can be really hard to find an old image that inspired you that no longer exists. As a result, I would feel a bit like a hypocrite if I still did it. However, I am not sure I want my old art to go or stay in some fashion simply because of the amount, the quality and the thoughts of self worth and everything.

I am probably going to think about this for a bit, but if anyone had any opinions, feel free to share.

[Also, authors note: If you are an artist who frequently scrubs your gallery, I was not aiming this journal at you. It is your art and you are free to do what you wish with it. I do not want it to make it seem like I was calling anyone out :P]

So, I decided that if there is going to be a lot of changes, might as well stick with it and work to making things better.

I have updated my profile and plan to upload more arts more often.

In addition, if anyone ever wants a commission or request, they are free to send me a message of things they would like. Just keep style and experience in mind, I won't be able to draw things on the level of popular artists, but I'll still try best on whatever you ask for.

Yeah, there are things I am upset about with some issues in real life, but while there are issues in my life and things could be better, I have gotten MUCH better than I have the last few months and will continue to improve and be a better person.

Much love from the big pink thing <3

Oh god where can I put a fucking journal like this. Why would I put a journal like this somewhere public to see? But if my paranoia is right and this is where things end, or could end.... it is something that needs to be said.

Sorry, wasn't even sure how to open a journal like this or even where I can start and continue going on.

It is a long story, but around 6 or so months ago, I decided to allow someone I really care for to move in with me. There were a lot of factors in this decision, and there are a lot of consequences be cause of it.

One such consequence is how my family felt. Specifically my mom, but where things are right now. I could definitely did not see that coming.

Long story short, my mom told me today asking about what I am still doing with my girlfriend. Believing that she is a burden. She sent me a text today and while I may have dodged to get out of it, when she asked about her, I said I was still with her.

Her response was "Are you really that desperate"

Maybe its because I was an emotionless robot, the kinda who would say "Insult me? I don't care. Insult someone I care about. You're fucking dead". But something about that line, just hit me hard.

I told her off that I am just, not in the mood for that shit. I told her off for being rude with that line and that it is my choice who I get to be with, whether as a friend or in a relationship. In the end it is MY choice. No one else's.

Her response was "I guess I have lost you. Be happy. I love you".

The conversation was stressful enough. Constantly thinking when I would break down to if I would. Should I respond with something, should I ignore. What.

A decision was made for me, but the one person who never should have made it.

My brother decided to call me. I missed it the first time, but he left a nice voice mail that was "Call me back, NOW". Followed up with a nice text message of "You have 5 minutes". Of course, I called back and when in neutral, asking what was wrong. Of course, I am the asshole. I am the asshole for taking in someone and not listening to my family when they were giving advice, and now to blow off mom. My brothers words. Not mine. His was laced more with "fuck you" in it. Figuratively and literally.

It got to the point I decided to kick my brother in the nuts and simply ask him how much he had been drinking. Of course, he told me he just got off work, but whether or not he is telling the truth there, the fact he is a heavy drinker, was slurry as fuck in the call, gets angry when he is drunk, knows he has a drinking problem and does JACK to stop it, AND AND AND believes that he is still some how superior in the forms of relationships just because he has had one. He followed it up with more swearing and hang up.

I am now not sure if my parents or brother or anyone else in the family wants anything to do with me. And at this point, I am not sure if I want to give them the middle finger and tell them to sit 'n spin.

They are my family after all. They are both blood and bond.

But my brother has set me off. While I am understanding of my family's worries, can see where they come from and want to do something to get both of them to be together.... my brother of all people should not and is not the kind of person who gives me lectures. Who has the fucking stones to say that what I am doing is wrong and insulting to our mom when he was the kind of person, both growing up and recently, who never gave a shit about anyone other than himself. Who did things like skip out birthdays and even holidays at his convince rather than with the family. To him, we were ALWAYS going to be there, so why bother trying. It is only recently that he may have had a true change of heart with his ex's break up and having to move back in with the folks. Maybe he is humbled on it, maybe its just because he gets to interact more with the family that he has reflected on. Maybe my mom is an asshole has poisioned his thoughts. Or maybe space potatoes.

As I have told a few people, if it was my dad who had called me instead, giving the same words that my brother gave. It would have been a different conversation. I would be upset with him, and maybe even still told him off. But I still would have respect for him. This is half of the group who raised me.

My brother on the other hand, the kid who would care nothing about someone unless he found a way to get something out of it. Who spent years blowing off and pissing off the family? Who expected that he could arrive late and or drunk to family meetings and assume that people wouldn't care? Or how about gift me an Xbox One for Christmas, one that is not only non-operational, was his old xbox where he kept the controllers and half the wires, and stated that I would have to pay 100$ to Microsoft support to get it working to play games with him? The kid who blew off attempts to be social growing up because he would rather hang with anyone else besides family? The person who gets someone high, has the gall to state that they will be there to protect them, and then kicks em out because he has work in the morning and the person is having a bad reaction?

Yeah.... you don't have the fucking high ground on this issue buddy Not Anymore.. If anything, this was not anyone in the family disowning me. This was me finally disowning him.

Edits: 3 attempts to make the journal more cohesive at this point, and to get what I really meant down on paper, not emotional ranting and rambling.

Been a great year for art, but you wouldn't know because I haven't uploaded anything. I am thinking about uploading for ya'll, but I am not entirely sure what or where to upload. Even so on how to categorize it.

So, serious question, should I upload everything I can and forgo the fancyness of giving it a story or all that... or should I just upload a few at a time?

Any ideas would be helpful

Fucking Christ there are times I feel like ending my life and there are times when I know that is a stupid response.

I am right now in somewhat of a clear state, so I might as well say this: I really feel excluded now a days, and not from anyone but my own's actions.

I feel like I avoid so many people who I like because I feel like the worst possible person. I feel like I make everything about me and I feel like every time I try to calmly think my mind runs away with the worst possible thoughts.

I want to draw more but I hate any artwork I make and I feel like I am not going to get any better. This is a HUGE cause of my stress because I want to get better and do stuff to get better but nothing works.

I guess my biggest issue with this is Jealousy. I hate feeling jealous of other people's art, because I know the blood sweat and toil they put into it, and it deserves to be praised. No matter the subject, no matter the effort, no matter how good or bad, if you try on your art. But when I try, i feel like it just gets worse and worse. I hate being jealous...

My mind is absolutely crazy and I hate everything about it. I am sorry for ranting but christ I don't know how to vent and I don't know how to adapt.

working on getting rid of certain things. just a fair warning

because I do not care

Hello Everyone

It has been two months since my last journal, and I will admit that the subject matter was less than ideal.But, my friends, there is good news.

I am feeling better. Not perfect, but better.

There has been a lot of things happening on my end, life changing things, things that make me ask the big questions, but I figure I would say something to ya'll.

Thank you.

I know I have been distant, and I know some people wanna talk to me and all. And while I worry about how people see me, Seeing so many people, some of whom we have not chatted with in what feels like forever, Yet. You still came to me in my time of need.

There is a lot of self doubt because I have screwed up past relationships with friends. Wasn't there in their time of need or misunderstood signs, and as a result, I have always feared how others saw me, but recent soul searching, conversing and meditation has been helping me come to terms with these issues. All stemming from low self confidence.

Although I can be a bit of a shut in and feel like I walk around eggshells often woth friends, I want you to know I care about you and want you to know, that even if we talked once, if we only talked over a roleplay or a commission or even just an idea, I usually do think of you as a friend.

I hope that this improvement continues. I will be in touch with yall.

In other news, i ordered a new scanner and will hopefully be able to scan art again. I also have been playing a lot of Monster Hunter Generations Ultimate, so that is why I haven't been online a lot recently. I will most likely do the Overwatch Halloween event and try to get back in warframe.

If you wanna do stuff together, talk about art or otherwise socialize, hit me up. I do not roleplay much, but, I do like hearing ideas

So, there is a lot to what happened yesterday. Like... a lot.

The journal yesterday, the fact I left all my telegram and discord servers, removed all my steam friends, attempted to disable accounts.

There was a lot.

Last few days, I had attempted to committed suicide several times, and when I vented this to my psychologist (along with several other things), I was taken into to a hospital for evaluation.

Long story short, I am broken.... I need to work on myself. I am so sorry everyone.

Don't know where to go from here

Well... hate to compound bad news with bad news, but my scanner has given up the ghost. Anything else I upload will be done through pictures...

frick frick frick...

I kinda want to do commissions to get a new one, so if anyone is interested, Please let me know.

Also, any suggestions on a new one? Brand or particulars?

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8809961/ Continue from this journal

So, lets just say, the biggest issue I have with myself is the idea of Instant Gratification.

It doesn't matter what it is, but I lose interest in something real fucking quick if the rewards don't feel like they're coming quick enough.

I know that not everything is going to have an Instant Gratification. Things like art (you know that thing i am fucking trying to get better at). game making (because again, I would really like to do something I have wanted to do since I was a kid), all that stuff. But I don't expect to code and draw the next shovel knight (or hell, I'll take Mighty Number 9) by myself in a weekend project. I don't expect to draw on the level of the people who have gifted or commissioned me art, nor do I expect to create things for friends that are so insanely detailed people can't help but gasp and enjoy.

Well, I know all this. And hell, part of me wouldn't want to simply snap my fingers and have all that skill instantly. Part of me enjoys the process because then it makes the things I like more rewarding. I know instant gratification won't come here, and yet.... christ I would like to see some sort of improvement or like in my art.

---

Again, like last journal, a lot of this comes from self hate, i absolutely hate everything about me. It is what started this spiral into this dark pit.

There are a lot of catalysts for why it happened, but this is something that has ALWAYS existed. And this last week especially has it boiled over in firghtening ways.

Every day feels like its a slog to get through. Days I go to work end with me almost wanting to run away from the building in tears.

I don't know why, work allows me to doodle during the low points. I have pretty much freedom as my own department, My boss is extremely understanding.

But every day I don't feel like I do something is a day it feels wasted. And part of being a new department is that is not always going to happen. And my job is code, so I pick up little projects that help me, but I am still bad at it. Or... decent just not making efficient or nuence or crap like that.

Then comes art, and I have been doing lots of it, just not posting. Because... its a pain in the fucking ass. And then I regret myself for not posting it, but... ugh, no matter what it feels like I cannot win.

---

These last few days have also been really bad for my mental state. Honestly, partly because of the instant grat problem and... optimism.

Before I explain, I want to point out, I don't do drugs. My reasons are my reasons, and they're not good. But I don't usually do it. But on Wednesday, I took some. Partly to be self destructive, but... I don't know why...

All i know, was in doing so I had the BEST night of my life. The stresses that I had was just gone. The thoughts were not racing as fast, and were able to just relax. I drew stuff, I did so much....

It just felt really fucking good.

Unfortunately, I knew this was a swing in the other direction, but I felt... that this... was finally the start of better change.

Yeah... it wasn't.

Thursday I didn't have any more, but I still felt like I was still in control of my thoughts, I was able to think. Slower than usual but... it was enjoyable. I felt... okay. It was weird but I would try to understand and hope to achieve the state without need for any drugs, legal or otherwise.

But Friday, Anxiety came back and made up for the loss of a few days work. I really did leave the office in the panic and collapsed as soon as I got home. I had a friend visit at the same time, and as a result, he and my girlfriend pretty much spent the entire time watching me break down. It was... awful.... I don't even know where to begin about how bad everything felt and every thought was.

And the night got worse as it went on. I thought I was getting better after another hit, but all it did was internalize all the hatred and how much I REALLY hate myself. Everything trying to originally push other people away was changed to everything against.

I am trying to do what I can, but I am really fucking off today, as if my tweets were not enough. Its been rough as fuck these last few days, and I am not sure what the hell is instore.

I just want to state, real quick: I am sorry for what I have done and sorry for what may happen. Just, sorry.