It’s been almost 4 months of HRT, as well as to partially commit social transition at work and in public, I have never been so comfortable to be myself if not by a large improvement. I still need more time to learn and to be accepted as a woman with all the trainings about my voice, look, attire choice, mannerism, etc.

Trust me, it’s a struggle to get gendered correctly by strangers, but it gets better gradually. My voice is improved quite significantly as it is passable on a majority of conversations. My long hair and meagerly softened facial features also cannot hide behind my masculine-presenting work fits. The feeling of being ma’am’d is very special, yet happy because it’s affirming.

This year of social and political turmoils against LGBTQ people especially transpeople is stronger, with numerous transphobic movements on both internet and real life, and even some countries, states and areas are passing laws that is actively suppressive them. To me they are not just outrageous and depressing, but also becomes a genocide that humanities are unconsciously and intentionally let hatreds blind their senses, as the inclusivities is waning.

Tomorrow is Pride Month, and also the first day to execute the passed bill against LGBTQ people in Florida, USA. I am living far away from this country for 3 decades, doesn’t mean I do not feel the strength for supporting social minorities, and the danger of growing hatred against them.

But,
I won’t be wavered.
I won’t turn back.
I must let my true self thrive. And,
I won’t give up from failed attempts.

🏳️‍🌈 These flags are permanently in my heart. 🏳️‍⚧️

This is my final journal under my old identity. I will open up a new account and let this old one get into a short term hibernation, and eventually to be closed.

I wish you happy and be true to self. Peace and live with pride.

Day 4 on E and AA.

I am slowly regaining the sense of self-ness. The local trans community and gender-friendly lifeline did gravely help me not only for my gender identity.

They are supporting me to live on, and start anew as a woman, and fight against all the old-self difficulties.

Works are harder than before, but I will march on with pride. 🏳️‍⚧️

The psychiatric visit is my life-changing event, the doctor confirmed me to have a mismatched gender identity in my whole life, and that is gender dysphoria.

Well…

I need to put my ugly and now-dead identity out of my display, and renovated my entire gallery, including a new user name. I want to display my true self and my new creations after coming out to my friends and the employer.

I am working toward the transition in short future as well.

Throughout the entire September, something secretive in me crawling through my skin and demanding to take a real look of myself, again.

Only this time…

This time I feel the urge of self-realization is a magnitude stronger, driven by time, pushing me have to do it.

The only problem is, I am really not sure if they are really what I feared, instead of mere fetishes. I thought I did forget them and moved on… but…

But I am not sure!

Time passes so quick, that I start to feel myself being way too slow to recover from all the unfinished problems.

It is sad when I cannot catch up to follow all the changes around the world, while I am tremendously busy to keep myself on track in real life, as well as checking my paycheck every month.

Being physically alone does give me grave impact of my life. Sun always arise everyday, but not every time I notice where it is. Keeping myself in the dark while pulling meager amount of freetime for hobbies is hardly get my anywhere either.

I consider to sell some of my expensive belongings in order to smoothen my financial difficulty on the day forward. Also I took several overtime jobs just to barely cover the monthly rent. The day of fun and game is grimmer ahead.

My gallery will be shifted to focus on my street photography, with few personal thoughts and impressions as comments. I hope it may help me rethink what is my alternative options to express my creativity.

After several years only to lurk around FA, I think I should renovate my page, as my personal drawing career seems to meet the dead end.

However, this is not the end of my studio. I have an active hobby with film photography and collecting vintage cameras. Maybe one day I can share few photos here, if people on FA really cares about photography.

If not, my another and quite recent attention will be the upcoming new game -- FNAF Security Breach. It will be fun, and I am very intrigued of the entire lore after over 6 years. You may see my increasing attention to FNAF by viewing my favorites.

Goddamnit, I received a fraud call from a company, and I accidentally leaked my information to the phoner. At least I was fast enough to identified as a fraud after I double-confirmed and reported it. They told me to change my password immediately, and deny any calls from it until my account is safe.

However, the police have nothing to do about it, unless the firm case of my ID abuse is confirmed.

Life of lesson: Always stay alert of every phone call, even with displayed numbers can fool you.

Dysta

Well, the x79 motherboard is no longer serviceable after 4 years of abuse. Worse, I ran out of money from serious expense last year as well. All I have for my art projects is my iPad Pro and Pencil stylus.

This is going to be the toughest year I have to live with.

In that case, I am going to halt my personal designs, for planning the commission service. I will submit some of my iPad-drawn artworks for you guys to see. Wait for my next journal about my commission service.

After a yearly recession, my job has been slightly more relaxed than older time, and I can catch some breathes for let out all of my new concepts and designs.

Possibly including:

Hellhounds
- Originals
- Imitated from other characters
- ???

Techs and gadgets
- Robots and Cyborgs
- Unique functionality of weapons
- Modular equipments

Fantasy creatures:
- Bio-armor for Dystagon and my friends' chars
- Hybrids
- Combined with other elements

Planes:
- Mostly Chinese PLAAF's jets.
- Other unique concepts

Pet play costume/prosthetics:
- Mostly for human
- Practicability concepts

Propagandas:
- Based on my real life experiences & world news
- Fur themed
- Transhumanism
- ???

...and for the last day (30th), I will randomly select one of your character for the unknown attempt of innovation! Please leave a comment below for your name to be pulled by lottery.

And I hope you enjoy in Halloween!

It has been a long while since the latest update of my journey ever since. My art and money troubles are slowly fading, and I can focus on more unfinished concepts I am really like to continue.

Every time I have an hour of recession at lunch time, I will get myself to the nearest fast food store, especially KFC, to have my tire rump a good rest. But I usually skip lunch food because of the busy on-site jobs I have to roam all around a city like Hong Kong.

And it is a well-paid job, even more than I could asked for within the same level of experience. The money will be used for my personal saving from months of jobless expense.

And finally, I got a handful of favorites to my CyberDog and many other posthuman canine designs. I must admit I did thought it is my first original idea that haven't found in FA, but I am wrong. A technological extension of pet play in FA and dA are also suggested by many other artists, both famous or not, and I am just trying to make them with realistic perspective.

It is really strange that viewer did favorited my concept, considering to have an organ of human consciousness being transplanted into cybernetic, but non-humanoid body. What kind of reason to make such of bizarre idea appealing?

Before I answer my own question, I can share you how this idea ever come to me: it wasn't started from pet play fetish, surprisingly. But rather, it was from my childhood's favorite cartoon that involved the human character transformed into non-humanoid and powerful beast. I don't have much of attraction to 'typical TF' like human to anthro or any bipedal beings, no matter how powerful they are. Such thought amplified a lot when I also love dragons at my high-school age, and fumbling dA stories about dragon TF with feral influence against human consciousness is also a sudden turn-on to me. I also found the FedCom website about the future technology involving a whole human brain transplanted into a robotic body which can be either feral, or bipedal nonhuman forms. Giving vast amount of choice to posthumans that able to transform their entire body, except their very own brain.

But I do curious and confused that why I ended up drawing canine cybernetics instead of other species like dragons? I think my long-experienced modern FPS and RTS games making my take more empathy to military canines. The only animal brought to the war zone with human soldiers, and fight for their causes.

So summarize them all above, I do have bigger curiosity of 'what-ifs' when soldiers can train and join the fight with much smarter canine, or even more, if the canine itself is actually once-human? Will the beast with human consciousness and feral instincts could do much more than normal animals, or even human could?

Even more, how human will actually treat them, if human-brained robot dog is real?What kind of 'being' they should be catalogued to?

I should spend more time to visualize them with my pen, even I am right inside KFC.

...mentally.

I have no idea what I've done throughout these years to keep myself rot in this community. I really had contribute nothing besides random comments and wilfing around for more artworks.

It should be a shame on myself.

I really should have at least post something I drawn, and that's what makes me an artists, not by just mere talking.

I must keep going.

Dysta

"Hello? Hello? You have a delivery!" - Postman (his shout woke me up in the morning)

And unexpectedly surprised, I just ordered this stylus a day ago, and the delivery is RAPIDLY sent! What a lovely service that Adonit have here!

http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e.....ps01422645.jpg

It's the Adonit Jot Touch 4 I have ordered, along with 3 spare discs for this stylus. A rather expensive pen for my iPad, but overall, I am utterly impressed of that design, and it's better than my 1-year-old Adonit Jot Pro.

I haven't open and try this stylus yet. Because I am waiting for some drawing apps updates to make it compatible, like controls bottoms and pen pressure.

But more importantly, this stylus may becomes my tool of the trade, which I will open the portable drawing commission really soon. And here's my work that drawn with Jot Pro. I hope I can make it better with Touch 4.

http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e.....ps1018c203.png

Again, thanks for reading.

Damn... I need to stop messing with PC games and Siri for a while. Besides, I quit the restudy because of the intense school fee that I cannot afford. And for now, I am stuck at room and able to pay a lot more time with drawing, as well as browsing deviantART and FurAffinity to seek out many potential for my creativity.

I am setting up a commission list, and will be available at the October. For the initial commission service it will be cheaper because I need to take some experience to use the system of it. Anyone who interested of my art style can ask me the price and content firstly. :)

I have finally received the phone call from my teacher, she said that I am not able to graduate this year so she gave me an option: To restudy my animation class at night.

However, I need to stay in campus for 4 more years in case I am qualified to receive a certification because I am below 23 and without any job, the class I will restudy would be level-2, which is a level lower than my current class.

It would be a life-tormenting fate that I have to stay in the campus for that long...... and I don't think I can have other choice either if I have to gain a job for my dream goal.

Goddamnit.... I felt my life is deeply rotten.....

It's been 8 months since I haven't updated my journal on FA. I had finally have to restudy my animation class thanks by my very slow progress on campus works... :(

However, I am seems more likely to draw with an iPad and stylus pen more frequent than using WACOM tablet on computer, since I start to like walk outside a lot. Maybe I should start drawing more when I could use this summer holiday to do what I want to draw, and what I need to finish for the next study.

If someone had waiting my drawings, please accept my apology for the delay, I am working on it ASAP.

Dysta

... and I am still continue to get them done. The Final Year project of the design is a serious mess and I can't stop finishing them. I am even seeking for help for share some of the idea from them and let me improve my character designing concepts (just a bit).

I am never able to sleep easily from lots of works, even I wish to draw something I still need to look at the schedule to see if I have such of time for that. Now I really wish I can get them done slowly without any concerns.

It's too quiet in FA.

And I just under trauma from self-mess, without any constructive helps to get along with my problem for my creation.

Forum and Main website are totally different thing, I must say, one is for community in visual, and one is for community in article. Visual submission can be satisfied by the viewer with eyes, but the theory and discussion are only making eyes stings when looking at it for too long.

To giving meaning to other viewer, artist or just common people, firstly is to giving the visual proof as much as they could be pleased. I just missed this point, and that's why I won't able to get any help from FA, instead only jokes and insults.

I have gave myself a tough lesson. Unlike dA, FA is really a whole new world I have to adapt.

And one more thing, word and meaning cannot be justified by the different country, but instead, by how exactly you want to speech in case to make people understand you. I should have to change myself in case to make people sense my creativity, but how? I gotta find out now.

I had expanding my gallery by introduce myself from dA to here, but for now I got nothing to greet me a welcome.

What a chaos for a new member of FA. Maybe I should remain myself cold around here, but I will still keep my own goal of what I should doing here.

Let me say a good luck to myself...

I'm truly new for the digital art since I just get myself started from 3 years. But for now I have discovered a funny fact - the lacks of "technical" and "industrial" quality of concept development to one creature. Furry or mythical, they're all just in appearances, all I saw is fur and scales shells, not a truly living being skinned with fur and scales.

That's why I decided my own unique path to create my artwork, everything must start from the disassembled proportion. A short plan with this is to develop a dragon or a reptile creature from bones to organs, as well as adding physical and biological features along with every components and configurations.

Also, as I've start to support the concept from the "Human Evolution" concept by basic, mechanical development. I tend to accept such concept from to built up a "shell" for human whom truly want to be a creature from their own image. If you had heard about the CyTrans, then you also must know these concept is from the FedCom, which just stated such concept to deviantART, welcoming all the people to learn how furry exists from a whole new angle.
Link: http://fedcom-online.webs.com/

To making such concepts precisive, intensively believable and coming with all the real world had remained. This project would become my first ever, and to be the hardest achievement to make it successful. Thanks by the technology we have, I could search out what I need to find out, but for the study it will slow me down, but that doesn't mean it will stop my serious development.

This is the stylization and philosophy of my life of artist. I am no scientist, nor a technician and biologist, however, with such unique method to understand the living being and to start my character design in such way, I assure it will be worthy to be achieved.

I, Dysta, art student of the Hong Kong Design Institute, ready to accept the serious challenge to create a living beings on my art papers.
My own dA page: http://dystatic-studio.deviantart.com