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I'm back!
Posted 5 years agoYeah. I've not been doing much aside from typing things on a computer. I'm done with university and am now living on my own in the big city. Been employed full time twice, and am looking to write some more (maybe not so much bad poetry) and commission people again! I've actually purchased a ref sheet for Ravioli and will be posting that soon.
tldr
P.S. Twitter is horrible
tldr
P.S. Twitter is horrible
anxiety about fursuiting, I suppose
Posted 8 years agoWhile I have reservations about fursuiting -- costuming in general, really -- I've stood on the sidelines and watch it happen without much issue. I don't fully appreciate it, even though I've taken a liking to the more visually appealing and innovative ones. (Maybe someday I'll meet the right friend who'll be able to ease me into it, so I'll finally find it enjoyable like most furries seem to, even those who don't wear fursuits nor wish to own one.) However, I don't feel incredibly optimistic about much of the public's perception.
I usually make it a goal to watch videos of furies 'coming out' to their parents and friends. In most, if not all, of the videos I've come across, the furry is dawning a full or partial fursuit of their character. The video comments usually indicate that the person had a positive experience and their audience took the news well. I'm happy for them, but I still have a hard time watching. When on the computer, for example, my cursor hovers over the video and I instinctively click the video to pause every few seconds. I get too anxious.
A long while ago whenever I watched any video with fursuiters, I always felt someone staring over my shoulder and giving me a disgusted or disturbed glare: people at school, friends, parents or relatives, and the like. Whether they were mocking and pulling a tail, purposefully distancing themselves, or wishing they had a son that wasn't interested in such foolish things, I never felt courageous enough to stand up to them, either in that image alone or the real world.
All of these things have happened to one of my friends from high school, with the exception of the last one.
While that picture of someone standing over me doesn't come clearly anymore, I still get that overwhelming feeling of anxiety, even if, according to other commenters, there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I don't believe them. Fear of rejection remains, something I am unable to bear, even if it is other people going through it.
I usually make it a goal to watch videos of furies 'coming out' to their parents and friends. In most, if not all, of the videos I've come across, the furry is dawning a full or partial fursuit of their character. The video comments usually indicate that the person had a positive experience and their audience took the news well. I'm happy for them, but I still have a hard time watching. When on the computer, for example, my cursor hovers over the video and I instinctively click the video to pause every few seconds. I get too anxious.
A long while ago whenever I watched any video with fursuiters, I always felt someone staring over my shoulder and giving me a disgusted or disturbed glare: people at school, friends, parents or relatives, and the like. Whether they were mocking and pulling a tail, purposefully distancing themselves, or wishing they had a son that wasn't interested in such foolish things, I never felt courageous enough to stand up to them, either in that image alone or the real world.
All of these things have happened to one of my friends from high school, with the exception of the last one.
While that picture of someone standing over me doesn't come clearly anymore, I still get that overwhelming feeling of anxiety, even if, according to other commenters, there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I don't believe them. Fear of rejection remains, something I am unable to bear, even if it is other people going through it.
Moved into a new place
Posted 9 years agoMoved into a new place yesterday close to Hartford. Yay! Don't know how difficult it will be having three roommates, but we've gotten along well so far. We'll be staying here for a few months. Work is paying for everything except groceries, which is fantastic, but I will miss not seeing stars on clear nights.
Where to find me on non-furry sites (and music)
Posted 9 years agoSlightly late getting back onto Fur Affinity after that source code and security fiasco. Very unfortunate to hear, even if it is somewhat expected. However, it's nice to see everyone posting again. Going through the journal backlog, though... and a lot of them are about where else people can find them, either if something like this happens again (and it will because drama and FA go together like PB & J, let's be honest) or because this was the final straw and how alternatives like FurryNetwork (which I still haven't tried) are supposed to be the bee's knees. I'm still here, and here I shall stay, but since everyone else has been posting where they can be found, I thought I should do the same:
Discogs.
Okay, so it has nothing to do with furry, but I love music. (Plus, I can't put my Discogs info in my contact info.) I've been listening to older stuff recently: 70s and 80s, maybe early 90s. Haven't bothered with vinyl records yet because I'm worried about proper maintenance (not to mention I haven't got a turntable). I do have two CD changers and a tape deck (which needs belts ASAP), though, so I have a few CDs and cassettes. Nothing too exotic so far, but right now I'm waiting for an order for Dragon's Legend and Sadeness Part I from a European seller, which certainly sound exotic. ("Dragon's Legend" and Koto's prior stuff is supposed to be italo-disco, but I've also heard them classified as space synth like Laserdance. Both it and "Jabdah" from a few years earlier had a very distinct sound. You easily picture a futuristic world or utopia. Their singles changed and sounded a lot more repetitive after Michiel van der Kuy from Laserdance came onto the project, though. As for "Sadeness Part I", it supposedly did well here, but I've never heard any of Enigma's music until a few days ago.) I'm on the lookout for Rhythm Of Youth (an original CD release from the 80s), Evergreen Nights, and Sonic R, all of which have sold for $200+ on that site.
Feel free to add me as a friend if you have an account!
I'm also on YouTube, but there isn't a whirlwind of activity there in terms of uploads. The music playlist fills up an afternoon, though.
Discogs.
Okay, so it has nothing to do with furry, but I love music. (Plus, I can't put my Discogs info in my contact info.) I've been listening to older stuff recently: 70s and 80s, maybe early 90s. Haven't bothered with vinyl records yet because I'm worried about proper maintenance (not to mention I haven't got a turntable). I do have two CD changers and a tape deck (which needs belts ASAP), though, so I have a few CDs and cassettes. Nothing too exotic so far, but right now I'm waiting for an order for Dragon's Legend and Sadeness Part I from a European seller, which certainly sound exotic. ("Dragon's Legend" and Koto's prior stuff is supposed to be italo-disco, but I've also heard them classified as space synth like Laserdance. Both it and "Jabdah" from a few years earlier had a very distinct sound. You easily picture a futuristic world or utopia. Their singles changed and sounded a lot more repetitive after Michiel van der Kuy from Laserdance came onto the project, though. As for "Sadeness Part I", it supposedly did well here, but I've never heard any of Enigma's music until a few days ago.) I'm on the lookout for Rhythm Of Youth (an original CD release from the 80s), Evergreen Nights, and Sonic R, all of which have sold for $200+ on that site.
Feel free to add me as a friend if you have an account!
I'm also on YouTube, but there isn't a whirlwind of activity there in terms of uploads. The music playlist fills up an afternoon, though.
Feeling crazy, coming out, poetry, and fear of expression
Posted 10 years ago(alternate subject: The tumbling of feelings (or, Everything))
Hey everyone.
Before we begin, I suggest you make your browser window smaller if you can, so the text refits itself so there's less words per line. It will look less intimidating, trust me. I apologize that there isn't a brief, succinct summary. It's more necessary to read through the entire thing to get the message. Now...
I know I don't really have much of a voice on Fur Affinity, but I usually don't make these kinds of sad journals. Usually I'm more of a reserved person because I don't like talking about myself (though you wouldn't know it by the number of I's in this journal, hehe), but I need to get some things off my chest.
I haven't been active on Fur Affinity very much lately. I've been more on e926 instead, but the community just isn't as... heartwarming.
I've been on and off with the fandom since I considered myself a part of it. When I started checking Fur Affinity and Inkbunny again in autumn of 2014, it felt like something was wrong with me. I felt depressed and generally alone, and the fact that I took some solace in the latter was extremely concerning because that just seems disturbing to me (I don't know how else to describe it). It felt like I was going crazy because I was finding ways to identify with my species (which I'd chosen as more of a joke until I found one that fit my personality better) that felt made up---or maybe a better way to describe them would be improvised or on the spot---to the point of wanting to believe I had a physical connection with it. At one point I wasn't even thinking about whether it was scientifically possible to wake up transformed into my character or a feral raccoon somehow, just that I would be content being alone as one.
Thinking back on it now, I think my problem was that coming back made me realize just how lonely I felt in real life being a furry. The term almost feels like a bad word. It felt like coming out as one would mean having to explain everything about it, because interested people could search for "furry fandom" on the Internet and find explicit material no one wants them to find. Putting a spin on it and only mentioning the good parts felt wrong, because I saw that as only addressing part of the issue. I figured that family or friends who already knew what it was would be forced to tolerate it if they felt uncomfortable about that or costuming or something, which only makes me feel bad because now I feel as though I'm doing something wrong.
That's how I felt in high school: trapped. I felt like my friends couldn't possibly understand the whole issue, so they were pushed away as I kept digging myself a deeper hole. It got so bad that all I wanted to do was to find someone that would understand how I felt, and I think I did. They were like me, meaning anxious, to talk about it. We'd get on Skype and talk about computers, games, and other things, but whenever the fandom came up in a conversation, they'd avoid saying words like "furry" and "FA" and type them out instead, running with the theme that they're bad words. (Maybe they did that because they knew I was anxious about it? I don't know.) Maybe they'll read this at some point.
I've never really had an interest in creative writing out of how stressed writing makes me feel (constant revisions over drafts means constant burnouts). That's why my creative outlet feels so strange: poetry. We were required to write poems for senior year English in high school, and the feedback I got from the professor was good. (Whether or not they meant it, I don't know.) But does anyone actually read the poetry here? I tend to think submissions other than artwork are buried down the main page enough for most people to not want to take the effort and scroll down there (I'm guilty of that, for sure), so I'm worried about not being heard by anyone. I also worry that those who read it will be snobs and grill me for clearly not knowing the rules of poetry or something similar, but I'm fed up with thinking that people will insult me if I express myself.
I spent my childhood acting older around people because I'd wanted to impress them, thinking that if I express myself as someone that acted more youthful than others, like how I was treated at home---no, do anything that'd put me on a map---then I'd end up embarrassed. I was, and to some extent still am, scared of being critiqued with something as innocent as someone not understanding what ever the subject is to receiving some sort of disguised response that spells "you're a freak" as though I don't understand social cues. All that ended up doing was make me skip over my childhood, because my personality turned reserved and boring, and later on bitter. I want both back, and I think that's part of why I came back. I want to be reprogrammed.
My first class starts at 9:30 this morning. Now, I'm signed up for a creative writing class at E.C.S.U. (not until Friday, though), which should help, but I have, ironically enough, a programming job. Those sides of the brain don't mix easily I've learned, although I've been working on switching between the creative and logical sides of the brain since high school with mixed success.
I said this before, but I know I'm not a popular person on Fur Affinity. However, there are a few people watching me at least, and hopefully a few that check and read their journals. (Sorry if that last part sounds condescending, but skipping over journals is something else I'm guilty of.) So, do you think that publishing poems (here, anyway) would be worth it?
Also, even though I've said a lot that people might not want to comment on, I sincerely hope you guys read through it and do. People might not realize that their comments can be about something other than just answering the poetry question. Really, even if you're shy or anxious like me and you think that somehow your comment will turn everything to absolute shit, even it has to do with the crazy paragraph, please leave it anyways, because it won't.
Thanks for reading.
Hey everyone.
Before we begin, I suggest you make your browser window smaller if you can, so the text refits itself so there's less words per line. It will look less intimidating, trust me. I apologize that there isn't a brief, succinct summary. It's more necessary to read through the entire thing to get the message. Now...
I know I don't really have much of a voice on Fur Affinity, but I usually don't make these kinds of sad journals. Usually I'm more of a reserved person because I don't like talking about myself (though you wouldn't know it by the number of I's in this journal, hehe), but I need to get some things off my chest.
I haven't been active on Fur Affinity very much lately. I've been more on e926 instead, but the community just isn't as... heartwarming.
I've been on and off with the fandom since I considered myself a part of it. When I started checking Fur Affinity and Inkbunny again in autumn of 2014, it felt like something was wrong with me. I felt depressed and generally alone, and the fact that I took some solace in the latter was extremely concerning because that just seems disturbing to me (I don't know how else to describe it). It felt like I was going crazy because I was finding ways to identify with my species (which I'd chosen as more of a joke until I found one that fit my personality better) that felt made up---or maybe a better way to describe them would be improvised or on the spot---to the point of wanting to believe I had a physical connection with it. At one point I wasn't even thinking about whether it was scientifically possible to wake up transformed into my character or a feral raccoon somehow, just that I would be content being alone as one.
Thinking back on it now, I think my problem was that coming back made me realize just how lonely I felt in real life being a furry. The term almost feels like a bad word. It felt like coming out as one would mean having to explain everything about it, because interested people could search for "furry fandom" on the Internet and find explicit material no one wants them to find. Putting a spin on it and only mentioning the good parts felt wrong, because I saw that as only addressing part of the issue. I figured that family or friends who already knew what it was would be forced to tolerate it if they felt uncomfortable about that or costuming or something, which only makes me feel bad because now I feel as though I'm doing something wrong.
That's how I felt in high school: trapped. I felt like my friends couldn't possibly understand the whole issue, so they were pushed away as I kept digging myself a deeper hole. It got so bad that all I wanted to do was to find someone that would understand how I felt, and I think I did. They were like me, meaning anxious, to talk about it. We'd get on Skype and talk about computers, games, and other things, but whenever the fandom came up in a conversation, they'd avoid saying words like "furry" and "FA" and type them out instead, running with the theme that they're bad words. (Maybe they did that because they knew I was anxious about it? I don't know.) Maybe they'll read this at some point.
I've never really had an interest in creative writing out of how stressed writing makes me feel (constant revisions over drafts means constant burnouts). That's why my creative outlet feels so strange: poetry. We were required to write poems for senior year English in high school, and the feedback I got from the professor was good. (Whether or not they meant it, I don't know.) But does anyone actually read the poetry here? I tend to think submissions other than artwork are buried down the main page enough for most people to not want to take the effort and scroll down there (I'm guilty of that, for sure), so I'm worried about not being heard by anyone. I also worry that those who read it will be snobs and grill me for clearly not knowing the rules of poetry or something similar, but I'm fed up with thinking that people will insult me if I express myself.
I spent my childhood acting older around people because I'd wanted to impress them, thinking that if I express myself as someone that acted more youthful than others, like how I was treated at home---no, do anything that'd put me on a map---then I'd end up embarrassed. I was, and to some extent still am, scared of being critiqued with something as innocent as someone not understanding what ever the subject is to receiving some sort of disguised response that spells "you're a freak" as though I don't understand social cues. All that ended up doing was make me skip over my childhood, because my personality turned reserved and boring, and later on bitter. I want both back, and I think that's part of why I came back. I want to be reprogrammed.
My first class starts at 9:30 this morning. Now, I'm signed up for a creative writing class at E.C.S.U. (not until Friday, though), which should help, but I have, ironically enough, a programming job. Those sides of the brain don't mix easily I've learned, although I've been working on switching between the creative and logical sides of the brain since high school with mixed success.
I said this before, but I know I'm not a popular person on Fur Affinity. However, there are a few people watching me at least, and hopefully a few that check and read their journals. (Sorry if that last part sounds condescending, but skipping over journals is something else I'm guilty of.) So, do you think that publishing poems (here, anyway) would be worth it?
Also, even though I've said a lot that people might not want to comment on, I sincerely hope you guys read through it and do. People might not realize that their comments can be about something other than just answering the poetry question. Really, even if you're shy or anxious like me and you think that somehow your comment will turn everything to absolute shit, even it has to do with the crazy paragraph, please leave it anyways, because it won't.
Thanks for reading.
Favorites Meme
Posted 13 years agoBecause 
jeevestheroo told me to. :P
What's my favorite...
1) Color? #006633 or #2E3B41 (A.K.A. the background of this page)
2) Day of the week? THEY ALL SEEM THE SAME
3) Pizza topping? Hmm... I'd have to go with pepperoni. It's a classic!
4) Animal? Anything with fluffy striped tails! (ex. raccoons and red pandas)
5) Season? Autumn. One of the best times for photography here!
6) Electronic games device? Gamecube, N64, PC, Dreamcast, in that order.
7) Movie? That...that's a tough one. I'm not sure I have one.
8) Book? ...I'd have to say Milkweed by Jerry Spinelli.
9) Board game? Probably Monopoly.
10) Soft drink? Dr. Pepper (don't listen to Barney Calhoun's propaganda!)
11) Alcoholic drink? I have never had one, and honestly I don't want to start.
12) TV show? Rocko's Modern Life, definitely!
13) Band/artist? It's kind of a tossup between Daft Punk, Kraftwerk, and Men Without Hats.
14) Song by favorite band/artist? Voyager, Autobahn (the long-as-hell original), and I Like, respectively.
15) Comic-book hero? Green Lantern. (The movie was ass though.)
16) Comic-book villain? ...the Penguin, I guess.
17) Thing about yourself? I see my OCD as a positive trait when it comes to my creativity... That counts right?
18) Thing about where you live? *tries to think of something positive about Connecticut* ...FurFright's about an hour away! XD
19) Pokémon? Luca- (of the first 151) ...Fine. Meowth.
20) Digimon? Hell I dunno. Flamedramon?
21) Pony (shut up, you know you have one even if you hate the show!)? SPIKE
22) Sport to watch? SUUUPER SMAAAASH BROT- wait, what do you mean that's not a sport? XD
23) Sport to play? Tennis, I guess.
24) Hobby/pastime? I have a lot of those, and "anything I can do on Linux" seems to cover most of them.
25) Room of your house? The family room. Nice and cool down there! :)
I tag ALL THE PEOPLE!
jeevestheroo told me to. :PWhat's my favorite...
1) Color? #006633 or #2E3B41 (A.K.A. the background of this page)
2) Day of the week? THEY ALL SEEM THE SAME
3) Pizza topping? Hmm... I'd have to go with pepperoni. It's a classic!
4) Animal? Anything with fluffy striped tails! (ex. raccoons and red pandas)
5) Season? Autumn. One of the best times for photography here!
6) Electronic games device? Gamecube, N64, PC, Dreamcast, in that order.
7) Movie? That...that's a tough one. I'm not sure I have one.
8) Book? ...I'd have to say Milkweed by Jerry Spinelli.
9) Board game? Probably Monopoly.
10) Soft drink? Dr. Pepper (don't listen to Barney Calhoun's propaganda!)
11) Alcoholic drink? I have never had one, and honestly I don't want to start.
12) TV show? Rocko's Modern Life, definitely!
13) Band/artist? It's kind of a tossup between Daft Punk, Kraftwerk, and Men Without Hats.
14) Song by favorite band/artist? Voyager, Autobahn (the long-as-hell original), and I Like, respectively.
15) Comic-book hero? Green Lantern. (The movie was ass though.)
16) Comic-book villain? ...the Penguin, I guess.
17) Thing about yourself? I see my OCD as a positive trait when it comes to my creativity... That counts right?
18) Thing about where you live? *tries to think of something positive about Connecticut* ...FurFright's about an hour away! XD
19) Pokémon? Luca- (of the first 151) ...Fine. Meowth.
20) Digimon? Hell I dunno. Flamedramon?
21) Pony (shut up, you know you have one even if you hate the show!)? SPIKE
22) Sport to watch? SUUUPER SMAAAASH BROT- wait, what do you mean that's not a sport? XD
23) Sport to play? Tennis, I guess.
24) Hobby/pastime? I have a lot of those, and "anything I can do on Linux" seems to cover most of them.
25) Room of your house? The family room. Nice and cool down there! :)
I tag ALL THE PEOPLE!
The iPad...
Posted 13 years agoI know it's kind of late for me to be complaining about this, but...
You know how when Apple first announced the iPad, everyone was saying how it was a piece of shit and how it was just an enlarged iPhone without the phone and now their saying "OMGWTFBBQ WE NEED THE NEXT ONE!"?
What happened? How did everyone become Steve Jobs' bitch again? I'm not sure what happened here, but let me fill you in:
It's still an oversized iPhone sans phone, and the thing is people have BOTH an iPhone/iPod touch AND an iPad!
wut
You know how when Apple first announced the iPad, everyone was saying how it was a piece of shit and how it was just an enlarged iPhone without the phone and now their saying "OMGWTFBBQ WE NEED THE NEXT ONE!"?
What happened? How did everyone become Steve Jobs' bitch again? I'm not sure what happened here, but let me fill you in:
It's still an oversized iPhone sans phone, and the thing is people have BOTH an iPhone/iPod touch AND an iPad!
wut
The most ironic website
Posted 14 years agoSo I recently had to analyze (in terms of design) a website of my choice, so I decided to do a really bad one. Google ensues and turns up this. Enjoy!
