I feel like my likings are often times too niche, even for the groups that would be interested in weirder stuff. Even though I'm not into anything illegal, I just don't dare to share many of the artworks I commissied, since I get the feeling people might get disturbed by them. I'd love to interact with people through them, but am not sure what to do. I'm way too specific, and am in an awkward middle ground where I believe I'm too wild for tamer groups of people, but am also too tame for wilder groups of people within the same or at least similar interests.
I don't want to be in the latter group, cuz some do freak me out, but at the same time I'm the one who freaks others out aswell in the prior group.

As of today, I have gained my British citizenship!

The last time I uploaded anything here was over a year ago, and since then I have gotten a lot more artworks, which I haven't been feeling comfortable uploading here for one reason or another.

Also been thinking about making a new account where I can start over maybe, but am not sure about anything anymore.

Its that time of the year once more, that I look less and less forward to.
Its a very lonely time for me, but I know there are other people who finds it so. My Christmas spirit is mostly dead (my birthday usually being overlooked because of it doesn't help), though I try to act like as if I have it while visiting my sister's for the sake of my niece.
I cannot wait for the holiday season to end each year, so my friends are available once more, and it becomes less lonely.

Guess, I got another year closer to my doom. Yay.

I genuinely have this question in my mind. My fetishes don't align with the norm, even in furry standards. I always get anxious when I get to talk about them, and while most aspects might seem tame, there are other aspects I enjoy of the same things, that I don't dare talk about even with close friends. To clear out concerns this journal might arise: no, it does not involve anything illegal.
I don't know, there are these things, while others might find me not fun for how reserved I am. Its either, or.
Sometimes I wish I was just attracted to normal fetishes or normal porn, so my life would be somewhat easier, and wouldn't feel like as if I was a freak.

Hey y'all. Its the 4th day of which I have been stuck in bed because of it, and as much as I need to rest, I'm also getting hella bored unable to do anything else. I also got another pain I'm concerned about, but again, can't do anything about it until covid effs off of my body first.
Just wish I could do things other, than watching videos and doomscrolling at this point, cuz now boredom is the thing killing me.

 whiteknightdragonite is holding an Octransfur auction, and there are still plenty of slots left to claim, but only 1 or 2 days before they close!

Check them out here!
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/58235479/

Man, things have piled up within the first 2 weeks of August, and especially this last week.
I really wanted to talk about the passing of Dragoneer, and just let people know that despite all the controversial changes, FA still means a lot to me, as once I discovered it, I finally have learned I'm not alone in the world with my "weirdness". It helped me make some close friends, which I would have never found without. So even if some people have been thinking the gofundme page was suspicious, I still made a donation, because I do owe a lot to this place.
Unfortunately, irl things came across such as helping my sister move the last weekend, finishing my first aid course this week, and the unfortunate complications, that lead up to the euthanizing of our oldest dog yesterday at the age of 17 years, 5 months and 20 days. While it was still giving us great grief, we as the whole family have been preparing for it for the last 20 months, so it is easier to cope with it, than the previous times a pet loss has occured.

Sooo yeah. I'm late with the acknowledging of things and for that I apologize. Irl occurences were keeping me busy.

Hey y'all, Tux here. Here to once again write about mental health, and things that affect me, that make me lean towards something drastic. No, its not self harm or the such, dw.

Since November, I have been taking antidepressants almost every single nights, to help me sleep. While they do help me sleep, they didn't really help me get better. Finding a therapist is difficult, schedules and prices are not friendly with me. So far however, I did get appointed to a trainer for a 12 week long "healthy active minds" programme, which starts this Friday. Anxious about going to the gym, but hoping it would take me to a better road.

There have been a few things happening this last 6 months, that have negatively affected my mental wellbeing both in furry and irl situations. Some "hughlights" I'd like to mention even just briefly as it follows. Some of them smaller, some of them greater.

- Someone who made a character based on my sona, has turned out to be a really messed up person. Now, even though the character in question is under new ownership, I can't help but feel I'm looking at a twisted reflection of my sona whenever I see it.
- Having to actually apply CPR on a customer who suffered a full on cardial arrest at my workplace. They passed away 5 days later in the hospital.
- Constant uncertainity of my future.
- The family dog being very old and sick, always having to be ready, that any moment her time might arrive.
- New administration for my rent, and all the headache they are causing now.
- Still unable to socialize both online and offline. While I have found a small friend group I have a great time with, I cannot rely solely on them to make me feel well. Other groups however are either uninterested, or too radical for my specific needs. Not being able to socialize in any way is going to put me in grave one way or another.
Doesn't help, that when someone does message me, all of a sudden 2-3 others also do. I either get nothing, or get overwhelmed.

So here's my big debate:
Given, that I have not been feeling comfortable with many things, that also includes my sona. I love him with all my heart, but I no longer feel comfortable using him as the definitive representation of me. Which sucks, cuz formal wear is my whole identity online, and I can't imagine my sona representing me otherwise, regardless if I tried to change his species (which I have also been trying to find for the last few months). So... should I just abandon the furry community as a whole and save me all the trouble and drama in the future? Or should I try taking some more time to try finding myself? Or maybe do something else?

My apologies if things were going incoherently in this journal, its currently 2am while typing it out on my phone. But have been debating whenever I should just leave this behind or not.

Well, its that time of year again. A bit late with this journal, and I had plenty to talk about, but I think I'll keep it brief for now. I may make a bigger journal in the near future if I feel like, but for now, I'll just try to enjoy whatever I have at this point of time.

https://cohost.org/Melty-Tuxedo In the likely case the now porn site goes down. Not sure how much I'll use it, but will see if it has any benefits or just turns me terminally online.

(Repost cuz I'm a dumbo who didn't realize comments were turned off at the initial posting)
Been thinking of a few things lately, and why I'm not really enjoying rps all that much anymore. (No, I ain't talking about random people dm-ing me out of the blue asking for that, as I still block those. That's just weird and not cool at all to do. Not to mention if you are a minor. In that case, get out of my sight.)

Now I'll be mainly talking about being "sub" and being "dom", and this won't imply erp or the such.

I had only a handful of sessions the last few months (by handful I mean like 2 or 3), and it made me notice an additional reason on why I no longer enjoy my rp sessions. Some of you already know the aspect of me being exceptionally specific with how I want things, as well as just how difficult to please me in general. I ain't gonna pretend I'm not part of that problem. People would probably turn down by me and my "neediness".
But I realized another thing.
After those rp sessions I was praised for being an "amazing dom", or if a certain situation I enjoyed came up, it always had to involve someone else aswell. Honestly... as much as I enjoy having my ego stroked, I don't enjoy playing the dom very much. Guess the reason I might be good as it is, because I put myself in the other person's shoes, and try to imitate how I would like to be treated if I was the sub.

But in the last couple years or so during the rp situations, I never got to get the treatment I wanted as the "sub". Or if I did, it was never on my own, but the involvement of someone else who also wants to do the same thing I did.
Being a sub is hard if you are better at playing the dom (apparently)... even if I'd enjoy the things to happen to me far more, than be the cause of the happenings to others. Yesterday I made a poll on Twitter, that confirms what I said, since twice as many people said they would prefer me being the dom, than the sub.

Honestly don't even know if I could play out the things I want by this point. I feel, I completely forgot how to do so. Not gonna pretend I was any good at it, but am just not feeling like trying anymore. Doesn't help, that most of the times I also end up interacting with subs. Which will always end up me just playing the dom, cuz they always want to be the sub.
Now, you might be asking "well, why didn't you just look into finding a dom for these?", for which I have two answers: 1: I didn't even know where to start looking. 2: I... didn't exactly dare to seek out doms, since I don't know what kind of dom would I stumble across, that would possibly make things far worse. They most likely wouldn't be as gracious towards me as I try to be when I end up playing their roles. I don't want a rude and/or hardcore overdominant person, who has no regard towards my wishes, my boundaries and my feelings. I believe, there are many who doesn't want to care about such things.
As such, it feels like I'm the only sub, who knows how to play the dom aswell. Which I don't know how to feel about... even if people enjoy me as the dom, I just... feel nothing.
So no, I don't really like to rp in any role anymore.

Think, that's it for now. I might have missed something, in which case I'll update this.

So  bayl is holding a raffle. They have neat art, so here take a look at it yourself:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/52051714/

Been having some existencial and identity crisises. Often finding myself unable to sleep due to random (but most of the times dark) scenarios, that have not even happened are entering my mind.

Not only that, I often have difficulties at settling on a character of mine, as I have the feeling of both changing up something, but then when it happens, I immediately want to go back to the previous ones, and so on. I love all my characters, I really do. Sometimes however, I'm just unable to decide on who or what even I am, or who or what I want to be.
There is even an... idea I have had in mind for quite some time, but only shared to a select few of my friends, as I'm not entirely sure yet if I feel confident and comfortable to fully commit to it.

As for irl stuff, I don't want to go deep into them in this journal, as it is its own, separste story. Just wanted to share a little fragment of what was going on inside myself as of recently, regarding my self expressions and identifications.

Time to sleep now however, so if you are reading this, I hope you all have a wonderful day or night, and remember to be nice to eachother.

I'm getting old.

Here are some random thoughts, that are coming to my mind. This is not gonna be in any particular order, neither its going to be organized in a comprehendable manner.

I often find myself on the two ends of the spectrum: either alone, or being overwhelmed and having to divide my attention between multiple people. Which will mean some gets more attention, than others aswell unfortunately.

Speaking of spectrums, here's another thing I feel as if I was in either ends of it.
I often can't tell whenever I'm too extreme or too vanilla for people. Even with my somewhat weird kinks, I often don't really like going into the even weirder territories. There are still some things (some more extremes ones too), that would kind of interest me, but at the same time I feel as if something would go bad if I fully acknowledged it.

Some people might think too much of me in terms of me being into certain things. They see me being intonone thing, and they often assume because of that I'm into other things too. Which will often result in them being disappointed or bored of me, since I often end up being uncomfortable when something new, that I'm not sure how to approach comes by. On the other hand, I also feel as if other people would already find me way too weird for my already established themes.

Yeah, this should conclude my random brainfarts for today. Might catch up on uploading some commissions and patreon rewards I got that were piling up the last months, some time later today or tomorrow.

Please don't dm me for rp requests. It makes me feel awkward, and if you are a stranger to me, it also makes me feel uncomfortable. We don't know eachother at all, and I don't want to engage in these kinds of things without even knowing you, and you knowing me. I'm not only having a very tight and super specific taste, but also high anxiety.

It takes me a long time to trust people, and its one reason I usually don't accept random friend requests either, unless we have at least a mutual friend already.

I'm sorry if I come across as rude by keeping silent on my notes, but asking me for rp out of the blue... I just don't know what to say to these kinds of notes. If I say yes, it will be assumption time, and if I say no, I'm gonna be the rude person, so its a lose-lose situation either way.
Please just don't. You're welcome to browse around, make comments or even note me, just please don't engage into rps with me out of nowhere...

Its a fun game, y'all should play it.

Alright, so 2022 is just 6 hours away as I'm writing this, so lets get this out of the way first: Happy New Year y'all, hope it will be a better year for everyone. Not, that 2021 was really bad (for me, it definitely was better, than 2020), but you get the idea.

Now I've got some big plans for the next year, but I will need a little bit of help in one of the aspects.
I'm looking into changing up my streams (yes in case if you did not know, I so stream over on Twitch every once in a while), including new hardwares, new schedule (hopefully a stable one), and new layouts. However, I do need a little help finding an artist I could commission asap, as I wish to have 3 different pictures featuring Tuxedo, which I could put up on-stream, depending on the time of it. One "starting soon", one "be right back" and one "stream ending" screen.
Figured, it would worth a try asking it in a journal, than going around discord servers and just getting my message buried under others.

Again, I wish you all a very happy New Year. See you in 2022.

This year was way-way better, than last year, that's for sure.
Also, I begun the "Couch to 5k" programme, and today I'm starting my 3rd week of it.

Well... I don't really know how to say out everything, that is in my mind, but also to keep it brief, cuz I need to wake up in 7 hours to go to work.
I have issues at having basically any interests. This unfortunately affects both my personal life, and my job.
I can't find a job or meaning of further education, that I'd be truly interested in.
I also find it difficult to just talk to others, cuz how limited my interests are (and in some terms, my abilities too). Not to mention, I always find it quite bad whenever I initiate a conversation with others, so I just wait for others to approach me first. Which most of the time never happens.
Makes me wonder, if there is a point of my life or not. If I belong anywhere or not.
Basically, that's all for short. Possibly left out other aspects of my thoughts, but I really don't have the time or energy to write another essay here.

Well, I have been ranting before, and here I am, ranting again. There is probably gonna be a lot of "I" and "me" in here, so apologies, if this is going to sound egotistic. I'm also being rather bitter here, so... just be careful...

So... uhh... don't really know how to begin, as my thoughts just don't want to be coherent and organized to begin with. I may end up writing, and editing this journal for a long time, only to probably not be able to organize it regardless. Will probably make a new paragraph for each thoughts. Let's see... Its 21:45pm now, that I'm starting it. But who even cares. Nobody.

Been having a rough week, that's for sure. I am partly making this journal due to the fact of how this week have been treating me. It just feels like, I'm getting close to my breaking point, with the cracks already appearing.
So... the last few months, I've been trying to look at things differently. In a more optimistic way, as I did hear from someone, that the Universe is treating you the way you are thinking of yourself. One example they said was something along the lines of: "Even if you are not wealthy, don't say, that "I'm poor, I need money", because the Universe will only hear the "I'm poor" part, and will treat you like a poor person." Well, I tried something similar, but in a way more like, to try to think, I have a purpose in life, and I'm important, and let me tell you... its bullshit.
Universe doesn't care about shit, all it wants is just to make me feel miserable no matter what I do, for whoever I do (I'm actually in such a bad mood right now, that I feel extremely petty, and just want to ruin somebody's day. Like... literally anyone's day. Let me tell you, I'm not proud at how I'm feeling right now.).

As usual, I'm still filled with jealousity, as I see everyone around me being able to progress with their lives, while here I am, struggling with many ordinary things, that most people take easy as their everyday tasks. I'm a hard learner, often find it extremely difficult to try learning any new skills. My attention span just screws me up, and I can't keep up with anyone in this regard. Its one reason (alongside many others) school used to be super difficult for me too.

There are a lot of negative feelings gathering up within me, and I cannot let it out. I seriously considered on going to therapy, but I made the mistake of telling it to my mom, who said "Its not going to be any easier to talk about your things to a total stranger, when you could talk to your mom too." Well... problem is, I absolutely cannot talk about personal things to my mom, because... well, nobody in my family knows, that I'm a furry to begin with. Also, I'm unsure of my sexuality, or rather... having difficulties truly accepting it. Things just don't work like that, I can't just open up to someone, who already has prejudgements over certain things, and would most likely misunderstand the whole thing, with me being unable to properly explain everything (my native language is not English, and my parents barely speak it, so I can't even think of showing them "guide" videos to explain what a furry is.

Tonight, I also left a server over on Discord, which used to have a special place in my heart, but as it grew, I started to feel less and less able to keep up. Also, things in general were not appealing to me anymore, so after over 4 years of being on it without any breaks, I finally ended up leaving it. Now, I'm not sure if its going to be temporary or permanent, but I do know, that I just no longer feel at home there. Maybe a break from it will help, but I can already feel, its going to be disappointing whenever I decide to return. To be clear, I hold no ill wills towards anyone there, and hope, others at least will have a good time in there. I know, I did.

Basically, I feel, it doesn't matter what I try to do to be a good and valuable person. I've been working throughout the entire pandemic, as part of the replenishment team at my workplace, been helping out my parents with lots of things, I don't even know how they work, due to them not speaking English all that well, so every phone calls, and emails for them, I had to make, and help them out with. None of these things matter, as people just simply don't care about me. Whenever I try to strike up a conversation within groups, or try to organize some kind of session, or ask about the such, I find deaf ears.
I had so many plans on a lot of things, but then... nothing seems to matter, as even if I put a lot of work into something, people just will never care.

So, there I am... its 22:21pm as I'm finishing writing down my thoughts, which was faster, than what I've anticipated... I guess, I just cannot be bothered after all, to make a coherent thing, and just leaving everything as I first wrote down. I just don't know, what is going on with me, and my life...
Now, you are free to go from my awkwards thoughts... if you even read any of that.

I really wanna get one for a while by now, but no one really seemed to know anyone making them.

Oh boy, what a crazy year this was. But with me being turned 28 now, it means, at least this year is almost over.
Not entirely sure what else to say, its 2:30am over here as I'm writing this. So I guess I'll go to sleep now, and try to celebrate with somethig I like once I get up.