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A little bit of thought, and some update on life.
General | Posted 14 years agoI've had a lot of songs in my head recently. I dunno if they're just too catchy, or if they're existential of my subconscious - should probably get Freud in on this shit. "Hey Siggy-F, got some songs in my head, here's the lyrics, does it have anything to do with sex or my mother?" ..Okay, so maybe I shouldn't.
But seriously, I've had a lot of them floating around my head. Some inspirational, some a little more downtrodden, but they're there. And I dunno why, but it's kind of a comfort. I always found when you had music playing over and over in your head, things can't be too bad. At least if it's songs you like, no-one likes having songs they don't enjoy stuck in their head. There's always that one really shit artist who writes really annoying, crappy tracks that just get stuck in your head like an MP3 stuck on replay over and over.
Still, some of these songs kind of say a lot, and it always makes me wonder, is it because I really like the song? Or is there some altered meaning as to why they're there? Human mind, how you astound me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmkNDnJtw4M
"'Cause the sun always sets
The moon always falls
It feels like the end
Just pay no mind at all
And keep rolling
Rolling
Life must go on."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ME-Jgs7lKj8
"Isolation Brings you to the end
Until you love again
Isolation If you could only see
What will come to be
Yeah!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KtF7ql3FJc
"Master of Puppets I'm pulling your strings,
Twisting your mind, smashing your dreams,
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing,
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream!
Master!
Master!
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream!
Master!
Master!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wzv972eueL4
"I'm the one distinctly plain to you,
For a solemn glance is another hopeful taste
Did you wish for your pain? Did you wish for your pain?
Wish I could have faltered,
Wish I could have changed
I'm the one distinctly plain to you,
For a solemn glance is another hopeful taste."
I'm not entirely sure they're expansions of the subconscious per-say as I listen to them through, listen to them over, read the words - but I know they have some meaning on me. I suppose that's what I should have figured out before I started typing, but hey, I think I've made a half decent post out of all this, so I'm not too bothered by it all. Besides, Diary of Always is a beautiful song that not enough people know about. Early Biffy for the win.
And now..
Update
Things are going..remarkably well. A lot of people see me as the devil or something now, but to be honest, I really am not too upset by it. I've said if folk wanna talk we can talk, but they don't wanna talk. So hey, cool beans - have fun. Some folk have up and left altogether, some folk just stopped talking to me. I guess it kind of says a lot, they don't wanna talk when they can't get something particular from me. One trick pony and all that. Ah well, it is how it is, they are how they are.
I'm not making excuses for myself, in honesty. This has all been very long winded, a lot of twists and turns, very indecisive, very unclear for a long time - but now, I just feel like I can see it all as it is. How I am now, who I'm with, (
if you're wondering), I'm happy. I'm not looking for excuses or lines through or whatever, I'm not answering to anyone I don't have to answer to. I answer to me, and I'm sorting out the shit I did before - I feel like I'm in a good place here, so I want to keep that going. And another visit is on the cards, which makes me pretty ecstatic - I never realised how much you could physically miss a person.
Do I feel guilty about anything? Only this had to be painful on people - but, you know, life is how life is. The way it is, that's the way it is. I want to put something profound here, but I can't think of anything fitting enough. or profound enough.
College starts back up Monday. Had my induction yesterday - I'm looking forward to it though. It was good seeing a bunch of familiar faces, it was nice having a laugh, it'll be good getting in deep and working, working with folk. There's new people joining the class, that should be a good experience too. Nothing bad about meeting new people, just gotta hope they're nice and friendly is all. So yeah. Woo!The Sitch.
General | Posted 14 years agoOkay, so, I've had this journal floating in my head the past few days, but I've not been able to find the words to fit right. I think I was afraid of sounding like I was being a dick, but in all honesty, maybe it's not even that now. The issue is, I sound like I don't care. And it's not that - what it is, is that a lot of things I'm looking at with an "I don't give a fuck" mentality.
Okay, so, to start, for all the people who likely see me as the greatest evil out - yes. I did go and see fuerza for a week. I loved that week, I really had a good time. I had sex with him, I gave him my virginity, and I asked him to take me back. He said yes. Now, a lot of people will be telling me how "I'm an idiot for that and that it's a toxic situation and blah blah blah, blah blah blah". Those who say that are judging it by a brief..what, one month window? The bad shit that happened every now and again? What about the three years previous? Three happy years that I wouldn't change, because I was with someone who, believe it or not, treated me in a way I felt cared about. But people judged him on that alone - without even getting to know him - and started dictating my life to me. It's easy to buy into something when a ton of people who, as it happens are in the same social group and circle. "The big lie" theory. People came between, interfered, decided it was their business to get involved.
Now, as I look at it all - people who interfered, weren't always looking out for me. Many of them have said some very determining things, trying to create a situation that may benefit them as much as it would do me. Some convinced me to give up on something that I had for someone else - a situation that was much less practical, difficult to uphold, be a part of, a situation they were thoroughly against - and then tried to defend "it's not real, but don't stop it". Why? Because they preferred the other person to the one I had been with. That's..pretty telling. So I'm not letting others dictate my moves now.
So, in short, will I apologise for my decision to get back with Fuerza? Fuck no, and if you want me to, then fuck you to.
What I will apologise for is those who got hurt in the wake of all this. Did I want to hurt people? No. Do I wish I could have done things in a way they didn't get hurt? Yes. You know who you are, and I'm sorry you've been harmed emotionally through all of this. I realise you must feel somewhat..toyed with. But that wasn't the plan or deliberate, and in honesty? I wish I had handled it differently. Sadly, that's not the reality we live in, so all I can say is I'm sorry.
But don't be fooled, people. Even through all that, I'm still not sorry for being with Fuerza. If anything, I'm happy about it. This isn't to let you all give me your two cents. This is to tell people the situation, how it is and what I'm in. If you're not happy for me? Cool - but you'll have to get over that. I'm not changing to suit anyone but myself.
Okay, so, to start, for all the people who likely see me as the greatest evil out - yes. I did go and see
fuerza for a week. I loved that week, I really had a good time. I had sex with him, I gave him my virginity, and I asked him to take me back. He said yes. Now, a lot of people will be telling me how "I'm an idiot for that and that it's a toxic situation and blah blah blah, blah blah blah". Those who say that are judging it by a brief..what, one month window? The bad shit that happened every now and again? What about the three years previous? Three happy years that I wouldn't change, because I was with someone who, believe it or not, treated me in a way I felt cared about. But people judged him on that alone - without even getting to know him - and started dictating my life to me. It's easy to buy into something when a ton of people who, as it happens are in the same social group and circle. "The big lie" theory. People came between, interfered, decided it was their business to get involved.Now, as I look at it all - people who interfered, weren't always looking out for me. Many of them have said some very determining things, trying to create a situation that may benefit them as much as it would do me. Some convinced me to give up on something that I had for someone else - a situation that was much less practical, difficult to uphold, be a part of, a situation they were thoroughly against - and then tried to defend "it's not real, but don't stop it". Why? Because they preferred the other person to the one I had been with. That's..pretty telling. So I'm not letting others dictate my moves now.
So, in short, will I apologise for my decision to get back with
Fuerza? Fuck no, and if you want me to, then fuck you to.What I will apologise for is those who got hurt in the wake of all this. Did I want to hurt people? No. Do I wish I could have done things in a way they didn't get hurt? Yes. You know who you are, and I'm sorry you've been harmed emotionally through all of this. I realise you must feel somewhat..toyed with. But that wasn't the plan or deliberate, and in honesty? I wish I had handled it differently. Sadly, that's not the reality we live in, so all I can say is I'm sorry.
But don't be fooled, people. Even through all that, I'm still not sorry for being with Fuerza. If anything, I'm happy about it. This isn't to let you all give me your two cents. This is to tell people the situation, how it is and what I'm in. If you're not happy for me? Cool - but you'll have to get over that. I'm not changing to suit anyone but myself.
Free butts!
General | Posted 14 years agoThis dude, 
solarfalcon, is doing free butt pics - and to get in on it? You just gotta make one of these here journals, like so, post up here:
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2576543/
And then post a reference and some description on what ya want! Easy! And make sure to watch him!
solarfalcon, is doing free butt pics - and to get in on it? You just gotta make one of these here journals, like so, post up here:http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2576543/
And then post a reference and some description on what ya want! Easy! And make sure to watch him!
Huh..
General | Posted 14 years agoIf you can't bothered reading this, don't worry about it, it's more just for me to put my words down.
Basically, yesterday I was given news on one of my grandfather's passing. He was a fairly old guy, so I suppose the fact he's died isn't much in the way of surprising, but in all honesty..I'm not really..affected by it. At all. All I reacted with was "Oh, hey, that's a shame. Oh well." My mother was more affected by it than me, and I think she expected me to cry or feel hurt by the news, she kept saying "do you want to go upstairs and cry? You can if you want to."
Now, don't take this the wrong way - I'm not heartless, far from it, I do feel sympathy to those affected, someone died and that's a shame. My granddad and I weren't that close; see, he was a chronic alcoholic, rather than talk to his grandkids, he was hitting the whiskey. Bottle in hand, because he loved that. It's been over 10 years, this is the first news I've had on him. See, that side of the family are a bit contrived and messed up - they had two grandkids, I was the younger and, even though I'm the son of their deceased son, they were more concerned with my older cousin - who turned out to be a gay murderer (so I've basically dodged a bullet).
But, that explains a lot. But, this isn't a "woe is me" post, "oh how bad it all is" type thing - it's more of a look onto it. See, as a grandfather, you'd think the reaction would be more..firm. A saddened one, one of loss, severe hurt or whatever - the man gave his life to drink and became nothing to do with me. Nothing to me. In honesty? I think that's more tragic than the death itself. In death, a person was lost, but in isolation, his family didn't care.
Since I got the news..in honesty, I've been looking at things slightly different. I don't want to end up like him or that side of my family. I mean, fuck it, dude, I'm better than that, even if I haven't always acted it - but who has? I guess I just want to put something down here so I can look at it and remind myself that I'm not like that. Not that I ever was.
I suppose the key thing I should say here, from everything I think is this - I'm not saying don't drink; I'm not saying do that if you like doing that. But for God's sake - don't let it control your life. It might seem like fun now, but what you lose in the future isn't worth it. You get a fuzzy feeling now. You might lose the love of your blood family later, your own grandkids or, sometimes your own children. Think about it.
Basically, yesterday I was given news on one of my grandfather's passing. He was a fairly old guy, so I suppose the fact he's died isn't much in the way of surprising, but in all honesty..I'm not really..affected by it. At all. All I reacted with was "Oh, hey, that's a shame. Oh well." My mother was more affected by it than me, and I think she expected me to cry or feel hurt by the news, she kept saying "do you want to go upstairs and cry? You can if you want to."
Now, don't take this the wrong way - I'm not heartless, far from it, I do feel sympathy to those affected, someone died and that's a shame. My granddad and I weren't that close; see, he was a chronic alcoholic, rather than talk to his grandkids, he was hitting the whiskey. Bottle in hand, because he loved that. It's been over 10 years, this is the first news I've had on him. See, that side of the family are a bit contrived and messed up - they had two grandkids, I was the younger and, even though I'm the son of their deceased son, they were more concerned with my older cousin - who turned out to be a gay murderer (so I've basically dodged a bullet).
But, that explains a lot. But, this isn't a "woe is me" post, "oh how bad it all is" type thing - it's more of a look onto it. See, as a grandfather, you'd think the reaction would be more..firm. A saddened one, one of loss, severe hurt or whatever - the man gave his life to drink and became nothing to do with me. Nothing to me. In honesty? I think that's more tragic than the death itself. In death, a person was lost, but in isolation, his family didn't care.
Since I got the news..in honesty, I've been looking at things slightly different. I don't want to end up like him or that side of my family. I mean, fuck it, dude, I'm better than that, even if I haven't always acted it - but who has? I guess I just want to put something down here so I can look at it and remind myself that I'm not like that. Not that I ever was.
I suppose the key thing I should say here, from everything I think is this - I'm not saying don't drink; I'm not saying do that if you like doing that. But for God's sake - don't let it control your life. It might seem like fun now, but what you lose in the future isn't worth it. You get a fuzzy feeling now. You might lose the love of your blood family later, your own grandkids or, sometimes your own children. Think about it.
GRUH! GRAH! MAN NOISES!
General | Posted 14 years agoI FUCKING LOVE THE BURN WEIGHTS GIVE YOU.
That is all.
That is all.
Let's Get This Sorted..
General | Posted 14 years agoAlright, so..
Basically, the current term is, some of my friends don't get along with my boyfriend, and my boyfriend doesn't get along with some of my friends. You know what? That's normal. As stupid as that seems, sometimes your friends and your partner don't get along. I've seen it before, I'll continue to see it through my life.
But the problem area rises when it becomes a head to head thing, and people start showing dislike blatantly. And it's kind of upsetting for me being in the middle. Look, I've made my choices and my decisions, and I've done what I've done. I've done things I regret and have hurt others. I'm not a good guy. People forget that, but it's true, I'm not. I'm a cheater. I'm a liar. But I'm working on making up and fixing that.
I can't reiterate that enough. Which is why, people need to lower their estimation of me a little - a lot of folk kind of look at me as a invincible, or a perfect human being, or a ton of things in a similar light to that. I've never claimed to be, I've never tried to be, I've never pretended to be.
Now, look - I did those things, and I fucked up. Yet,
blueraccoon is willing to stay with me and get this all sorted. After 3 years of what has been a happy relationship - okay with the occasional pothole but what relationship doesn't have those? - just going out of it because others have said so isn't really..well, for me to do it, it doesn't really say "I'm doing the right thing".
I will admit - some things have been said, not just by me, but by other people, that have sparked some arguments in a long distance. No-one can deny that to be true. I'm not writing this looking to turn it into a fight, I just want it accepted and cleared - because what I don't want to see is an explosion or an argument between my partner and my friends. Look, I'd love them to get along with one another, that much is true - but I need to ask this, fairly, squarely and openly:
If you don't feel you're going to get along with one another ever, or you're just arguing against him because I'm a friend, would it be better just to be civil toward one another and leave it be?
At the end of the day, this sounds very middle-manish, but that's because it kind of is. I'll defend my boyfriend and say, hands up, that the reasons he was mad at me, were legit. I did do things I shouldn't have, I did say shit I shouldn't have, I did hide him from others, I did cheat on him and I did lie to him for an extended amount of time. The reason he is pissed at me, dude, if it had been the other way around, I'd have been rather pissed off too.
My friends want me to be happy, and I understand that - but guys, I need to keep saying..I was happy with him for three years, and near enough threw that away. I know people only want the best for me - but it's my choice in who I'm with, too. I know that sounds dick-headed, and that I'm just shoving friends opinions out the door but..look, if I went with or didn't go with anyone that a few people said, I'd have been with a lot of folk I don't like.
I don't need the input of the world on what I do or who I'm with. Not all the time, sure, if I'm in a dire place with someone who's being an outright dickhead, abusing me, giving me all manners of shit - sure, someone stepping in saying "okay, this is toxic" is kind of wanted. But people are judging this on a few details. I dunno..I just..I don't want to have my life and my relationships dictated to me when I made up my mind.
Basically, the current term is, some of my friends don't get along with my boyfriend, and my boyfriend doesn't get along with some of my friends. You know what? That's normal. As stupid as that seems, sometimes your friends and your partner don't get along. I've seen it before, I'll continue to see it through my life.
But the problem area rises when it becomes a head to head thing, and people start showing dislike blatantly. And it's kind of upsetting for me being in the middle. Look, I've made my choices and my decisions, and I've done what I've done. I've done things I regret and have hurt others. I'm not a good guy. People forget that, but it's true, I'm not. I'm a cheater. I'm a liar. But I'm working on making up and fixing that.
I can't reiterate that enough. Which is why, people need to lower their estimation of me a little - a lot of folk kind of look at me as a invincible, or a perfect human being, or a ton of things in a similar light to that. I've never claimed to be, I've never tried to be, I've never pretended to be.
Now, look - I did those things, and I fucked up. Yet,
blueraccoon is willing to stay with me and get this all sorted. After 3 years of what has been a happy relationship - okay with the occasional pothole but what relationship doesn't have those? - just going out of it because others have said so isn't really..well, for me to do it, it doesn't really say "I'm doing the right thing".I will admit - some things have been said, not just by me, but by other people, that have sparked some arguments in a long distance. No-one can deny that to be true. I'm not writing this looking to turn it into a fight, I just want it accepted and cleared - because what I don't want to see is an explosion or an argument between my partner and my friends. Look, I'd love them to get along with one another, that much is true - but I need to ask this, fairly, squarely and openly:
If you don't feel you're going to get along with one another ever, or you're just arguing against him because I'm a friend, would it be better just to be civil toward one another and leave it be?
At the end of the day, this sounds very middle-manish, but that's because it kind of is. I'll defend my boyfriend and say, hands up, that the reasons he was mad at me, were legit. I did do things I shouldn't have, I did say shit I shouldn't have, I did hide him from others, I did cheat on him and I did lie to him for an extended amount of time. The reason he is pissed at me, dude, if it had been the other way around, I'd have been rather pissed off too.
My friends want me to be happy, and I understand that - but guys, I need to keep saying..I was happy with him for three years, and near enough threw that away. I know people only want the best for me - but it's my choice in who I'm with, too. I know that sounds dick-headed, and that I'm just shoving friends opinions out the door but..look, if I went with or didn't go with anyone that a few people said, I'd have been with a lot of folk I don't like.
I don't need the input of the world on what I do or who I'm with. Not all the time, sure, if I'm in a dire place with someone who's being an outright dickhead, abusing me, giving me all manners of shit - sure, someone stepping in saying "okay, this is toxic" is kind of wanted. But people are judging this on a few details. I dunno..I just..I don't want to have my life and my relationships dictated to me when I made up my mind.
