*floofs*

I'll be sporadically upping old shit over there, for the next week or so.
https://beta.furrynetwork.com/en_den/

It's not 'home' yet - but this account isn't anymore.

I said I was going to respond to Notes, and I will, not tonight tho.

I've grabbed all my submissions. I'm gonna wipe in the next few days. I'm gonna make a new account here, or elsewhere, and some of my favorites will be upped there. I'll keep you updated. If you have any fav pics, I'd love to hear what they are :3

I'm not going away. I am restarting. This may take some time, but drawing furry stuff is one of my taproots, and I'm going to be drawing and posting more, because, if I don't, I will probably die. I'm not the ultra-bouncy orange pervert I once was... I'm a slightly less-bouncy, introspective orange pervert. And I'm getting better so~

I don't think I've been super-clear about this, so to state clearly: I'm still definitely poly, and I think I will be forever. Being poly, either of us, was not the problem. Her having a BF, or my having a GF, was not the problem.

We were the problem. And, as has been pointed out by a couple insightful furs, my recent shift in outlook has actually catalyzed The End, as we were both able to finally see and acknowledge these irreparable faults. With clear vision, we can say to each other that our love is real, but it cannot surmount prior hurts. We simply can no longer be together. This conclusion may be years overdue, but only now are we able to observe with open eyes, and yeah, we both agree.

All of the "rightness" of this dissolution doesn't make it easy... but it's a good thing to grab onto. I believe we both have the very best intents for each other.

More tomorrow likely.

I really really really appreciate your Notes and comments.

I honestly don't have a lot to say about this.

We've sacrificed so much for each other, and we've tried so hard, but we simply cannot make each other happy as a married couple.

It is so tough. I believe my recent positivity has allowed me to deal with this effectively. My insecurities, raging right now, are also acknowledged, and under control. There are many benefits to our moving on, and these are on my mind, but I have some mourning to get through first before I can focus on the good things.

I feel like some, many, most? may be disappointed by this news, and I, personally, am really sorry if you are. Believe me, we tried.

I'm taking down everything coz I need a restart.

I think I have some fans here, and maybe even a couple friends. Please note me, I will really appreciate the contact and I'll reply to everything.

I'm really sorry, guys.

...case there was the slightest question.

Merry pranks and japes all around. Happy April 1st!

The irony of it sunk in a few hours ago LOL

Nope - I might post a few more journals here, and I'll keep you updated.

I will be moving accounts. I will be clearing this one. I may or may not be posting some of this art on the new account. The new account may not even be on FA.

The reason for this is to get a fresh start, and just to keep it as non-speculative and drama-free as possible, it is because  catwolf and I are separating.

I'm going to write a long-ass journal about this, coz that's what I do, but not tonight.

I'll end it here by saying it's at least as hard as you might imagine (8.5 years married, my second),

but,

it really is for the best. I have nothing but love and respect for her, and pride, watching her strengthen and mature as we've been together - and the deepest gratitude for her love, patience, and some of the best times of my life. I've grown plenty with her as well, and even now I am pretty sure that I am at the optimal point in my life for handling this.

---

You've got between 24 hours and ~a week to grab my pics here.

If you've got fav's - save em

...but HOOOO-WEEEEEEEEE boy! am I busy!

more stuff soon tho

I'll choose from replies with ref sheet link (up to 3) + one word "mood" descriptor I get in the next half hour - ending at 10:00PM MST (Midnight EST I think)!! Pls don't be heartbroken if I don't draw you.

Just putting this out there here, to reach a wider audience than the replies I made in the Comments.

I am not exactly proud of how I wrote that last journal. I am still an activist, but that post was inflammatory, and unnecessarily combative.

The content remains relevant - to a point. The timing of the sale, catwolf's 'coming out' and the refund request, made this a bit of an edge case that probably should have been handled with somewhat more grace.

I am leaving that journal up, unedited, as testament to the incorrect way to handle something like that. I did lose some Watchers over it, and I am semi-happy about it? But not really, to be honest. And it's not the ego thing - I was just an asshole, and well, I sure don't like hanging out with assholes, so, I can't blame ya.

Summing up and Moving on: Still poly, still open about it (here), and prolly still and asshole - but working on it! Lots.

To those upset with me, but stuck around anyway, I appreciate it :3 I'll be better X]

I became an activist tonight, after  catwolf showed me a Note she got earlier tonight from a patron requesting a refund (edited):

[...]this is more of a moral thing than anything and will probably seem very cruel, I can't support someone who can't remain faithful to their husband and who publicly announces that they have a boyfriend and a husband at the same time. [...] that just left a bad taste in my mouth. [...]

I hope you understand and I apologize if what I said offends, but I have standards that I will not budge on. This is one of them.

*serious stare into the screen*

*looks at you*

*looks at screen*

What. Tha. FUCK. people??!

*flails*

I don't understand. We're... We're FURRIES for fucks sake - gawll. Do we really need to add this layer of intolerance to *koff* FUR FUCKING AFFINITY ?!?! Seriously???

Look. I'm not gonna stop being poly, neither is my wife, her boyfriend, or my girlfriend. Sorta the way things are, and, as far as I am concerned, the wave of the future. This is another thing that's catching on fast, and the Openness is spreading.

And, sorta repeating myself here, but: Because of being poly, my wife and I are faithful to each other, and I suspect the love and trust we have for each other is greater than most (not all! ;D ) monogamous relationships. And I bet that's even true of the relationships my wife and I have with our lovers.

I wish I could be more open about this everywhere, but FA is where I am doing this because of the great love and tolerance. We are open here to escape this brand of righteous indignation. We shouldn't have to deal with this. We're not going to let this slide. So.

If you've got moral issues with polyamory, fine, but
1) Fuck right off, and
2) UnWatch me immediately

I'd love to answer your questions about this in Comments or Notes - but, no, I'm not gonna say who this asshat was.

Also: big *Hi5* to mah_wife for causing actual moral outrage before me. Well done! :D

#intolerantfurs

Everyone should feel free to note me about poly, your thoughts and experiences. I want to gain some familiarity, network, and I also 'get better' by interacting with, and, critically, helping others where I can. Spreading positivity is key.

I am investigating other online resources - I'd love to hear about some of your favorites. But - I am posting here, and open here because I'm furry, and for now, this aspect is important (even tho my GF isn't fully invested in Furry, Inc. ~yet!).

And in case it's not super-clear: this journal is about interacting with, and gaining understanding of the poly community - not hooking up.

I'll choose from replies with ref sheets link + one word "mood" descriptor I get in the next half hour - ending at 10:10 MST (12:10 EST I think)!! Pls don't be heartbroken if I don't draw you.

Thanks!

It's time to talk about Poly.

My beloved wife  catwolf and I are polyamorous, have been since the start, and now, also, open about it.

---

This openness has been a long time coming... a long time in the making. It was not easy for me, and it can still be hard sometimes. I’ve endured tremendous pain and indescribable joy, truly the full range of emotion. I'm going to talk about some of my experiences, because this openness is part of my healing. For me, writing about pain identifies it, and just naming the thing is sometimes all it takes for it to be burned away forever. Some injuries take more work and leave more scar tissue. I am going to talk about some stuff that is personal, and perhaps uncomfortable to hear - but it’s worth it :3 Prolly some stuff that will be triggering for some people. Some of my experience is too personal to share here, but this will be by far my most personal journal I've written.

As alluded to in previous journals, I've had to deal with some stress lately - and some serious emotional pain. It nearly claimed my marriage - and to be perfectly straight, it still could. But I think the chances of that have dropped considerably in the last couple weeks. Overcoming this pain, though, has been one of the more important transformative steps I've ever undertaken, as it not only has potentially saved my marriage, it may have just saved me from myself.

Emotional pain manifests itself as tightness in my chest and darkness in my psyche. My prior Bad Attitude is the result of a failure to identify the pain as something that is Not Me, instead absorbing it and forcing myself to accept it as Me. My awakening of late is founded almost entirely on the basic idea that I simply do not want this tightness anymore, and that I am able to address Darkness with open eyes and love in my heart, sometimes vaporizing it instantly by seeing it for what it is. Sometimes a hurt needs more work, but any price is a bargain.

---

I am definitely poly - like a gay person knows they are gay. It took some time to figure out, though. I may, in fact, have always been this way, but the identification took years of development.

When I divorced my first wife, I didn't want to marry again because I could not be happy being monogamous. I had heard of “poly”, and thought I understood what that meant, but I guess I thought of myself as a “swinger” instead. I definitely wanted to sexually pursue other people, but the idea of multiple simultaneous true, deep, textured, loving relationships seemed - wrong. Upsetting, even. My morals were loose, but this seemed even too much for me. I'm pretty sure now that what I felt was, in fact, fear.

---

A lot of you were there when I met my wife XD (and we are both still in awe over the support we received). When we decided to marry, it was only after a lot of talk about what we wanted out of our relationship, all of which was basically complete bullshit, because we’ve both changed so much as people. Our relationship was founded with complete naivety concerning the future events that have made up our history. Some things were straight-up lies - told also to ourselves so as to make a marriage work.

Ours has been placid sometimes, and tumultuous often. After eight years together, each of us has evolved so much that we are basically completely different people than who we were. I learned what Poly truly is, and I worked toward it. Through sustained love, our relationship has similarly matured with time. Somehow - we have endured strife that would’ve ended weaker marriages. And, though who we are to each other has shifted over our history, we've maintained some very basic constants: we are in love, and we let the other have other partners.

I was gonna end that last paragraph with: “and neither of us can keep it in their pants,” because it's funny. But it also effectively serves to minimize my point. Which isn't sex. It is about forming complex relationships with others while maintaining trust and love with your primary. It took me a few tries to get it right, but, while recently rekindling an old flame, I did eventually. Things are looking up.

---

Throughout most of our marriage, up until a couple weeks ago, I had always harbored a feeling of disparity. I felt bad, a lot of the time, because I watched my (still, btw) gorgeous, young wife have no trouble getting whoever she wanted, while I, a fairly typical older white guy with nothing particularly interesting going on, other than being tall and awkward... kinda just sat there and watched. Since forever. Sitting on my insecurities. Growing bitter - so slowly I didn’t notice. The seeds of resentment built. And, I maintained this resentment by always reminding myself my situation was unfair.

This was kept - and nurtured. Just guess how this may have affected my interactions with all those around me, especially those closest to me. Those I wanted to be closest to. If you guessed toxic, you are correct. And I felt justified af. That sure helped me hang onto that tightness in my chest like a cradled child. Guess how this may have affected my relationships - not just that with my mate. I carried this tightness with me throughout the day. At my job. Getting a job. Chilling with friends. Even with my children.

Slowly, slowly the connections of intimacy and tenderness and general closeness began failing. No work was being done to keep these connections alive. I was experiencing my marriage failing in slow motion, and now I am able to watch the film in real time. I can see the arc of things now.

---

My wife met her boyfriend at a party in 2014, but their relationship began a couple months ago. I took the news poorly - in no small part due to the damaging circumstances of its revelation (I'll not explain further). This was followed by a quick succession of dramatic news and ultimatums that left me reeling.

I had forgotten I was poly, I felt my situation was unfair. My wife’s happiness did not outweigh my own. I was Jealous, and I couldn’t handle it.

Then something weird happened - an awakening inside of me. My brother had called me out after a bitter interaction - and I was able to finally able identify my bad attitude for what it was. I really was at war with the world. Then I asked my wife what I was doing wrong, and she told me: More happy memories. There have not been enough recently. And though my intent was always pure, she was right, no question. I began an intense period of self reflection lasting some days, asking myself questions and searching deeply for honest expression.

My conclusions were simple:
- I am free
- My wife is free
- We love each other
- Communication is essential
- Negativity is death - look fear in the eye
- Love and positivity are the keys that unlock all doors

Nearly daily I take stock of what I am actually feeling, and why, to maintain my attitude, and keep its coat healthy and shining...

I’m paraphrasing here. What I say seems trite... but - I guess I got it now. Most of my jealousy and negativity about the state of my own relationship with my mate has basically burned away.

When I am alone now, the tightness and emotions sometimes return, but briefly, and I am in control. What I feel now, mostly, is called, apparently, compersion.

From en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory:
Compersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy, and the term is regularly used by members of the polyamory community in the context of polyamorous relationships. It is used to describe when a person experiences positive feelings when a lover is enjoying another relationship.

It’s not perfect, yet. Negativity creeps in over long absences. But I am always in control. And I now celebrate my wife’s growth and happiness wherever that happens, and whomever with. Having a lover now makes this all so much easier, but with or without her, my mate is my Primary - my Baseline. Knowing she is happy makes me happy.

The aspects in my relationship with my wife that remain contentious are really no different than those any monogamous couple will face. The fact that we are poly does add layers to some of these problems, but they will still be solved.

In our discussions, topics have come up that neither of us felt the other wanted to hear - but needed to be said anyway. We have had talks about:
- Limits
- Boundaries
- Expectations
- Communication
- What’s Negotiable and Non-Negotiable
- Abuse/Manipulation
- Support vs. Independence
- Divorce/Separation
- Mistakes
- Forgiveness
- Guilt
- Trust
- Recovery
- Interaction of Fursonas
- etc.

...

Many of my insecurities remain - but the fear that stoked them is being blasted away quickly.

Some things of which I am absolutely certain: Being poly
- let me marry my wife, and has allowed me to develop a secondary functional, loving relationship.
- has kept us together.
- continues to strengthen our bonds <3

This is a v big deal

...

I’m open!
I am happy to answer any questions you may have in the comments below :3

Thanks so much for reading

My Furries,

Without getting into the meat of it, I havn't been a very good person lately. I mean, I thought I was. And I think in general, I really was "good," for the most part. But, my attitude was bad. I have tried to advance along my path, coping with life's impartial surprises along the way. Those surprises ended up being more harmful than helpful (or...?), and I developed a free-form, general resentment. I spent much effort on selfish struggles that I created in the name of "self-sacrifice." I considered my intent pure, but I was consumed with corrupting insecurity, and I didn't even realize I was angry. I told people I was "delicate." I was manipulative. I cried lots (and no doubt more tears are yet to come). Most of this is still true to some extent, but it's no longer En Den v. The World. A little while ago, I felt at war with life itself. I felt a victim of life's "intent". Like I was owed something. My mind was wound around calculating the amount.

Certain things have happened recently that have caused a great deal of self-reflection and insight. I've been able to ID my anger, and I've been working on pinpointing my thorns and pulling them out. Some things take more work to let go of than others. The release of pain makes any price a bargain.

My friends are some of the best in the universe.

I need therapy, to be sure, and am seeking a provider. I honestly feel like a breakthrough has already occurred. Might be kidding myself, tho, so we'll see if this sticks. Small, persistent anxiety remains. I hate it.

One benefit of this, I spose, is a renewed need to draw. I think I may have actually gotten a bit better sketching after my sabbatical. I feel better about what I've gotten down, and I have a clear list of things in mind that I want to work on and experiment with. It's gonna be in pencil for a while. I'll get back to digital eventually.

I have always been a bit more - emotional - about furry than many. It's true now more than ever. I have some stuff I need to work through by drawing it out and it's not always, nice, I guess. I am posting stuff that passes my filters, stuff that I want to share, stuff that makes me feel good. Ima post some porny stuff too eventually, coz I'm at least as big a perv as ever, at the very least.

Its gonna take some time for me to get up to speed, as I still have a lot of not-nice Real Life to deal with. But I must draw, and I will continue posting. For what it's worth, I love how my drawings have been turning out, I'm glad I can still draw stuff that I am 90% satisfied with, and that I'm (mostly) finishing the drawings I start.

So *full head-tail body-wigglefloof*

*sits*

My beloved Watchers.

*gin/tonic/lime*

*deep, heaving sigh, gazing directly into your eyes*

*yes, your eyes, dear*

I want to draw and post again so badly.

*shifting in seat, holding your gaze*

Things have been - so weird. I have maybe a dozen different crises I'm dealing with - but I think I'm winning all of them. Or at least gaining ground.

I miss furry a lot. The creative outlet it was cannot be overstated.
I am going to stick around this time - swearsies.

If I owe you money, I will repay you.
If I owe you artwork, I will likely refund your money, in full. With a very limited number of my choosing, I will offer to draw your piece - if that's what you prefer. I have one outstanding trade that still needs to be honored.

I am not going to make everyone happy, though, I am going to minimize that to the extent that I can. I am going to take each on a case-by-case basis and will not be making a blanket policy statement here.

I have very limited funds right now - it's going to be a while before actual monetary refunds actually occur, but they are going to occur, and I am not going to run away again.

I am not going to take commissions.

I've been writing.

I- *sips drink*

I miss you *deep stare* so much. I don't want to disappoint - but - I'm not sure how my skills are and I have some things I might need to experiment with. Sorry if I don't live up to your expectations.

Furry has grown soooo much - so many amazing artists that are straight up movie/game concept worthy. 100%. I look forward to exploring FA again.

*sets down drink, holds your hand/paw/tentacle*

I'm back - and I can't truly say for how long, but I can say I am glad to be here.

I will read and answer all new Notes - I'll get to older ones in due time. Feel free to contact me.

Now - ALL THAT SAID.

I am under an enormous amount of stress and pressure right now. I make this Journal with the caveat that its still going to be some time before i am back to "normal" LOL and able to post regularly again. DO NOT take these absences as my having again abandoned FA. I've got some shit to deal with tho, and my time right now is precious.

I am going to try to keep up on notes etc. at least daily.

And can I say again how proud I am of my lovely wife  catwolf - and you are doing yourself a disservice by failing to get in on her new Iron Artist series! I *wriggle* every time I think about being married to someone as talented as she is.

Alright - more later. I hafta bed, but I will catch up soon.

STAY WEIRD, FURRIES

Where is it

XD <3

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERNG

I know I owe art. I miss you all. I swear - I will return eventually. No timetable. Out.

<3

got laid off yesterday

PS i was in the ER last night that upper respiratory shit that's been going around of late - thought it was just a cold at first but its gonna be kicking my ass for another week or two i think.

it's like having my childhood asthma again (bad) but at least im not in an oxygen tent

...not saying I'm back either but I do love you guys and I want to check in.

I am not checking my notes - yet.

I need to get right with the people to whom I owe art. I need to feel "settled" before I can post here again. I will refund everyone. the money is available for this but it will not be a trivial process - i wish it would be easy. The accounting is what makes it difficult.

I will never take a commission again.

I will post only art that i want to draw.

I miss being and drawing furry stuff.

I have no timetable.

I'm writing this because frankly I would rather figure out just what I need to do to "get right" and feel good about myself posting here than sign up again with a new unrelated account and start over - i miss you guys.

*floofs*

Heeeerng?

Sorry I don't pay attention to anything~

...lookit:

http://www.geeksaresexy.net/2013/09.....r-hand-photos/

...but I will soon! Been busy :3

Gonna try to get the rest of the refunds out this week, and make my queue current.

Thanks again for your unending patience!