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Status: Tired
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█ I guess it's been a month, though in a lot of ways it still feels like yesterday that my psyche and mood came crumbling down around me. Time doesn't really move when I'm depressed, and I suppose that's how it is for a lot of people. You have an eternity to spend in emptiness, and eternity is taking it's sweet time to crawl forward. It of course only gets worse as time goes on because the rest of the world does and will move on with or without you. That when you finally peak your head out into the world you've come to the realization that weeks, months, or even years have passed and nothing has changed for you at all. Time is a very poor healer of wounds.

At any rate I've managed to cobble together what passes for 'motivation' and or 'drive' to do this journal write-up and likely post up art I've been putting off uploading due to my sorry state of mind. Maybe, maybe actually stream and draw something as well. Maybe.

█ What I mentioned in my previous journal entry still rings true: I really don't like dealing with people in general, it just takes so much out of me. Despite all the advice that exists out there that are a variation of "fuck what other people think, it doesn't matter" it still remains a bit of advice I feel is utterly useless. It's still as useful as the whole "sticks and stones" line of thought. In theory how I was doing commissions via a single journal that I could update and just have people post into it was a good idea, but frankly I extremely and severely under estimated how badly people would screw the whole thing up. As the person doing all the work, I had the stupid assumption that people could at least take a tiny bit of effort and follow instructions correctly. Course instead of something that was supposed to be easy I just get people whining and complaining. Yes it's still something that bugs me even now, because it just means I have to change how I do things... again, so I can avoid dealing with people taking a dump over what I do.

It's been hard for me to figure out how I can have fun with what I do; because other people make it damn near impossible with their constant indignation, bitching, and complaining. I'm not perfect, I'm so damn far from it that I want to strangle people on a constant basis; yet in other people's heads I'm supposed to make everything perfect for them. I know full well that even when I'm face down on the ground, that people just go "Oh sorry that you're down there, but when you get up can you do this for me? You can take your time getting up though." Cause yeah that's the extent of consideration I get from other people: They're willing to wait.

█ I probably should end my journal here at this point, as I'm breaking out in rashes and hives from the stress of thinking on about how my interactions with people have gone this year so far. Though I do want to thank those of you who are concerned about me, it does help a little; but it's just an unfortunate part of nature that the mind ends up dwelling on unpleasant experiences. It's just that my mind probably gets stuck on it far worse than other people who do the whole 'let it roll of you' thing.

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Status: Bluruggle
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█ Been wrestling with a sharp increase in depression levels for the past couple of days. Not sure if it's a struggle I'm necessarily winning. It's considerably hard for me to deal with people as a general rule, and it really seems like a lot of people just go out of their way to make it even harder for me to deal with them. So many people knee-jerk the moment something doesn't go their way, and one way or another I have to deal with that knee-jerk. No one cares about the person on the receiving end of that knee-jerk (namely me) but I'm the one who has to take the deep breath, keep level-headed, and stay calm. Every. Time.

It's always me who gets to be painted as unreasonable, or out to get the other person, or whatever they want to imagine up. I'm just a person. A person who for whatever stupid reason still has feelings, still has something called empathy, and still cares. Though this person is finding it harder and harder to keep on caring, because I'm expected to be some emotionless robot, or be the person who has other people's BS bounce off his chest like some sort of psychological Superman. That or I'm supposed to cater to someone else's every whim and be able to read their mind as if I was psychic or was their very best friend who knows every little detail about their needs, wants, and dreams.

Interacting with these people has made my life pretty damn miserable the past few days, and certainly has made doing art a chore instead of something I enjoy. Though it's not like I'm allowed to express myself or anything, if I do I'm sure I'll get plenty of people who will just go that I'm just some arrogant prick disrespecting other people and don't give a damn about how anyone feels other than himself.

The sad thing about this all is that the solution to this is to actually go "screw those people" but I'm not that kind of person, but it gets more tempting every day I have to deal with people who give a damn about themselves until it has to be made painfully obvious that other people have their own needs, wants, feelings, dreams, ect. of their own.

INSTRUCTIONS FOLLOW THEM!

1) Read my ToS http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5941153/
2) Read my Guidelines http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10135111/
3) Read how Commission Slots Work http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12299795/
4) Find my most recent post in this journal that opens commission slots up
5) Determine if there's still free slots available using*maaaaaath*
6) Reply to my most recent post with the following information:

- Number of Slots you wish to take
- Character References/Links
- Details of what you want drawn and/or what will be important

You'll get a note from me with a link to the finished picture after I'm done (typically within a day)
Journal comments will be hidden as needed to make it easier for people to find newer posts. Old commission requests will be kept for historical purposes.

If you've taken a slot recently do let others have a chance at them. I'm fine with every other opening, not one after another.

You don't follow the instructions, it doesn't count, simple as that.

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Status: Where's my motivation?
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█ Been a little bit since my last update, though tends to happen after focusing on a large project for an extended period time: I just fizzle out and takes a bit to get back into the swing of things. Thankfully it's only a couple of weeks as opposed to months. I'm not sure what the most apt way of putting it would be, but when it comes to the creative process every now and then I put together something extremely grand, and part of me goes "You've put everything you could into this, you can't do it any better." but this isn't the accumulation of a lifetime of work, just a few days; yet, the feeling is still there of creating something in where I feel I won't be able to do better. Of course this isn't true as the difference between the flash I put together last week (http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12581491/) and the one two years ago (http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7237636/) are worlds apart. Either way it might be sometime before another major animation project from me like that, because doing something grander is going to take even more out of me.

█ Speaking of animation stuff, I'm considering adding in animated icons and switching in other characters into my most recent flash as options. Odds are they'd be 1.5 and 3 'commission' slots respectively (or about 35 and 75 dollars). I might also add in the option of doing animation looped based commissions for scenes that lend themselves to being loop-able. There was a period of time where I was doing more animated stuff but then fell out of that practice, probably want to get back into that, and that would probably be 2 commission slots.

I suppose I'd like to hear some feed back on this particular aspect before I post up my "February Commission Request Lineup" journal, which I'll try to be more mindful of in posting a "Taking a break" entry into if my will to art drops off a cliff. That journal will probably appear later today or tomorrow.

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Status: Depresssssssed
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█ First I've already address FA's and all drama ever via this old submission of mine:
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/9986713/
My path was down, left, left.

Second I wasn't really going to talk about it, but since the admins have decided that they need to apply PR to the whole thing then I figure I might as well throw in my two cents about the subject, and about similar... dramas.

Let's be clear about a few things before I start though: I don't know what happened, and the likelihood that you do as well is unlikely; and also before I explain my understanding of the situation please don't 'correct' me on what really happened because a crowd-sourced source of information isn't going to be reliable when it comes to personal accounts of what happened, or didn't happen; it's not like there's going to be citations of unbiased sources or anything.

With all those disclaimers out of the way, here is my understanding of the situation; which again is based on no actual evidence. None, this is all speculation.

Two people were involved with each other: One person said the sex was consensual, the other did not. The person who claimed raped brought the issue up with the admins of FA, presumably because the alleged rapist was part of the admin team. The admin team told the alleged rape victim to "shut up" about it. Drama ensues as one or both parties start to get everyone they know to start slinging mud at each other. The end result is that some people now think FA is 'pro-rape' for defending and having a rapist as part of their admin team.

That's the gist of what happened. No evidence really if what happened did happen, and no involvement from the authorities as I'm aware of. So there's no substance to anyone's claims one way or the other.

█ From where FA is involved I understand the reaction of the admin team, even if I don't agree with the relative insensitivity it was handled in. What reaction was that mind you? That FA are not the police. Exactly what was the proper way to handle the situation? Fire off a member of the team when accused of something awful with no evidence? The reality of the situation is that a person's reputation can be destroyed by the act of accusation of rape even if they are innocent. It doesn't matter if evidence clears their name of the accusation the damage to their reputation is done and is more or less permanent. Which is the current situation I see here today: No evidence of it happening, just a rumor-mill.

Though here's the further damning thing about it: Because I take this stance of "There's no evidence" there's a number of people who will angrily (perhaps even happily) claim that I am "pro-rape" because I didn't assume the default stance when it comes to rape accusations: The rape victim never lies. There's a strong sentiment of "This person was just raped! How dare you not believe their story! You are fucking sick for thinking they're faking it! You're just promoting more rape!"

How can you reason with people like that? You can't. For me it's all unsubstantiated because there's no evidence, was no investigation or even charges that I'm aware of. Since there's no substance to this issue, I just can't be bothered to care that much. If the police didn't care or do anything, that's not an issue for FA to somehow solve in their stead.

█ Though there's a few issues that follow along the same vein, that if you take a neutral stance or point out the extremist tendencies of a group they will automatically label you as scum of the earth. Many of these things run along religious, political, or sexuality veins; as well as feminism (the movement, not the fetish).

I like to live my life with the general premise of "I need evidence if I'm going to take you seriously, or at the very least a well formed and rationalized train of thought." Speculation does nothing for me, and speculation plus imagination tends to lead to disaster. Even when presented with evidence, if I truly care about the subject I like to pry deeper; at least two to three levels deeper. Information can be misleading or outright fake, and most of the time the lie is exposed after one or two levels of digging. Though many people don't care to do that kind of searching, mostly because they have a dog in the race or whatever and want to be right. I personally don't care about being right or wrong, I just want to know things.

Which is why I don't really take much stock in the information about the current drama because it's all opinion. Was it rape, or is a person out to try and destroy another person's life and reputation, or both? I don't know. Don't really care, it's not my job to care; and really it's not FA's job to care either, but seems like they have to because otherwise FA is going to become the 'pro-rape' site or something I guess.

Really all it takes is an accusation to ruin a reputation, and that's what FA is experiencing right now: An accusation that they a protecting a rapist, and as such some users are jumping ship because of it. No evidence, no substance; real damage. All of this could have been avoided if the accused wasn't involved in FA's project, even if was unfair to the accused if innocent; but who ever said life was fair?

Quite amazing how much can be said about absolutely nothing but speculation isn't it?

█ In the end I have no expectations of FA 'protecting' me from anything or anyone. Nor do I expect they have the capacity or ability to protect anyone at all. As far as their conduct goes so far, they've tried to keep it low-key and not something to be talked about. What's the worst they could do? Give out names, give out contact information, addresses, publicly out and attack those involved that they do not agree with; but they aren't the ones doing that, the peanut gallery is. I think FA has been pretty level-headed about the whole situation, but the restless public want a hanging instead.

At this stage of the game, what actually happened doesn't matter anymore; people just want to see a head roll, and those who don't want to see a head roll likely don't care either way; which means the course of action is to have heads roll. After all, people who say "there's no evidence" simply aren't as passionate as the "we know he's evil, get rid of him!"

All that drama aside, we all know what's really important: The next FA update, coming soon: Never.

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Status: Coding is so tedious
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█ The backlog of art I've done since the middle of December has now all been posted up (except for a comic commission in process which will be finished later). Hopefully I'll be able to keep things up to date provided FA doesn't have another extended down time combined with a sudden and urgent need for me to raise money. It does mean that I won't be uploading as much images as the past few weeks of course.

I won't be accepting commissions for a few more days as I continue work on my animation project. I suppose in a way it's a project that's been on the back burner of my brain for two years ever since I completed Latex Test Chamber which is about to break 20k views, so I guess it's convenient timing that I'm about to complete it's successor animation. I also should probably dig through my gallery and find the other animations I've put together in the past.

A few possibilities for the somewhat near future are as follows, but my mind tends to be fickle so don't be too surprised if I don't end up following through:

- I might add doing animated icons as an option for a commission. Odds are they'll end up being "2-slots" for the time it takes to put it together. Maybe "1.5 slots", that is assuming I do them at all.

- The other is commissioning characters into my animation project. I have no estimate for how many commission slots that would require as it's not even completed yet.

- At the same time I'm also contemplating doing simple animation loops again as commission possibilities. I did do it in the past for a short time before a depressive episode had me stop arting for a bit. That would probably be "2-slots" as well, which might go up if the average time to do an animation loop ends up being longer than I anticipate.

█ So yeah the title of this journal is due to my animation project. I suppose it's one thing to assemble an animation, but at the same time I'm also making more interactive and a little bit of a game as well. As such it takes a bit to code what I need together and I'm a novice at programming. Some people feel that their artistic abilities will melt people's eyes, I have the same feeling when it comes to my programming skills as it would cause anyone who knows how to code to gouge their eyes out at the horrors. With practice I'd definitely improve, but for the most part I'm coding blindly which limits my ability to progress and to put things together in a timely manner. If I run into a problem it might take me 2-3 hours to solve it, where as someone experienced would figure it out in seconds because for them it's a "well duh."

I was able to put together the art assets for my program together relatively quickly, but yeah I'm miserable at coding. It seems to me that such projects would be best tackled by two people: The creative artistic person + the technical coding person. Mashing them together into one person which I'm trying to fit is tiring. I'm good, but I don't think I'm that good.

Though I think the end result will probably be worth all the effort.

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Status: And back to being depressed
|██████████|Will To Art

█ I'm sure quite a few of you have noticed a lot of submissions from me recently, and odds are it'll continue for a few more days as there's still a backlog of about 20 images to go (as I only want to upload around 5ish a day). Such was the aftermath of FA being down and me in panic commission mode. So yeah there's that for you to look forward to for a few days yet. Course if I continue to do about two commissions a day then it'll take slightly longer for that back log to clear. Only thing I have to worry about is to not post the same submission twice which I almost did a couple of times (due to me needing to post some pictures ahead of others)

█ Speaking of doing work... I suppose I've finally found something that works for me after I have no idea how long of trying to find something that works. Of course this revelation only comes because of me being able to make the following observation about myself: Working while depressed.

When I had a 'normal' job, working and being depressed was just a thing. Didn't matter how miserable I felt I'd still follow the same routine and did what was expected of me. It's kind of amazing how people can remain 'functional' despite whatever thing can be bothering them deeply, I suppose a testament to how good society is at making good little worker drones. This kind of functionality never really translated to me doing art and commission work: I'd burn out rather quickly after getting in a more depressed state. When I felt like I had a chance to move away from my own self-imposed forms of responsibility I would, as there was usually far too much baggage with it; which would just cause further mental breakdowns I felt.

Depression is still a very difficult thing to explain, but what I can do is relay how I feel when creating art in two different mental states. First off yes it can be a challenge drawing fetish/kink art when it's the stuff you're interested in, I suppose in a sense it's like 'artistic foreplay'. I end up being in the moment, enjoying the progression; overall being more 'involved' in a suppose more emotional level. The experience is slightly different when I'm in a more depressive mood, I don't have nearly the same level of interest even if the content would otherwise be into it. I don't have an emotional vestment in it, and my general mood shifts more towards "I want this to be over". Instead of enjoying the progress of the picture I end up being more focused on detailing it, and as such time moves a lot slower for me.

I digress though, as I often do. While I can draw while I'm depressed (maybe on a level better when depressed because I end up focusing more on detailing as a result) I've easily fallen out of the drawing cycle while depressed. In the past I would look at my commission list and would just feel this crushing weight on my psyche. It felt like work, a lot of work; and sometimes it was because a list that's 10 people long can easily be 40 hours worth of drawing to do. Keeping my commission list down to two 'slots' for the past few days has kept that weight off my shoulders, and though my mood hasn't been great I've still managed to do the few hours of drawing and be able to do a new set the day after.

It's quite important that I keep my 'plate' clean as it were. My mind creates a lot of doubts and those doubts tend to be loud. Even though I know that some people are willing to wait weeks, months, even years for pieces of art from some artists; I'm not a person who's comfortable with keeping a person waiting for a week, let alone a few days. I end up with a lot of guilt on my end if I suffer a mental break down and not work on a commission list I setup a few days ago, even if the person commission perfectly understands and is willing to wait. Words of comfort and even understanding often do very little to silence the nagging doubts I get.

Though don't worry too much about me being depressed. Venting out to a collective shoulder as it were does help, and typically I feel better after writing a journal than I was before I started writing it. Actually can't think of an instance where I felt worse after writing one. It's cheap therapy I guess.

█ EDIT: I've also made my front page a bit less cluttered.

INSTRUCTIONS

1) Read and understand the "Commission Information" section on my front page
2) Find my most recent post in this journal that opens commission slots up
3) Determine if there's still free slots available using math
4) Reply to my most recent post with the following information:

- Number of Slots you wish to take
- Character References/Links
- Details of what you want drawn and/or what will be important

You'll get a note from me with a link to the finished picture after I'm done (typically within a day)
Journal comments will be hidden as needed to make it easier for people to find newer posts. Old commission requests will be kept for historical purposes.

BTW, if you've taken a slot recently do let others have a chance at them.

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Status: Feeling slightly more normal.
|██████████|Will To Art

█ I'm one of those people who dislike holidays. I don't have any real specific reason other than I'm a person who requires time to shift gears, and holidays are usually events where you have to shift into a high gear in a day, and then shift right out of it a day later. So for me the experience is like walking along a sidewalk slowly and then getting shoved from behind, which usually leaves me stumbling along for the next few steps if not on the ground completely: I'm still in the stumbling stage trying not to end up on the ground.

█ As some of you know I tend to over think things a lot, and today isn't an exception. The thing I'm thinking too much on is how I want to proceed with doing commissions, which might involve a lot of journal spam. Since I'm trying to pace myself to take in orders one day and finish it that same day, that suggests I'd have to make a journal on daily basis; so yeah a lot of spam. Though as I write down my thoughts I had an idea (and such is the reason why I write these journals in the first place) I suppose I could write up a single journal and simply have people post into it after I post a reply inside it. If I run out of people who know about it's existence I can make a reminder journal at that point. I might just do it by month...

The reason why I'm pondering this stuff at all is because I am uncomfortable with making people wait. There's a voice in my head that goes "I don't know if this person still wants what they stated cause the request is a week old." and I don't like the time delay of sending a reply "do you still want this done" and then potentially have to wait days for a reply when I could have been done it already. Just how my brain works.

At any rate I'll give this spontaneous idea a shot and see if it works the way I want it to, which yes does mean I'll be writing another journal after this one. Not sure how long it will take me to write as I'll have to explain the rules as to how the commission stuff will be taken.

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Status: What is sleep anymore?
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█ Gasp, added a status bar! My mood seems to have very little with my motivation to art, so... there it is. Course I'm sure many people have a perpetual "don't want to art" state nearly 100% of the time (artist or otherwise)

█ The past few days have been rather... weird for my sleep cycle. I have what I suppose some would consider an 'addictive' personality when it comes to playing video games that I become interested in. With that mind I would be considered a 'functional addict'. I used to play a lot of WoW back when I was going to college and when I had a normal job. As soon as I got home I'd play non-stop till it was time to sleep, but my performance never suffered for it. I pulled off 4.0 GPA, and I was given praise for some of my initiative at work (though didn't save me from being 'downsized')

Recently I got into the Hearthstone beta (It's an online card game) and I decided to basically crossed the fence from being 'functional' to full blown addict. It was an interesting experience to say the least as I end up staying 40 hours straight and I still had to tell myself to sleep. My previous record was something like 32ish hours or something like that and I was passing in an out of consciousness every time I blinked my eyes. This time around it was much different, I was wide awake; perhaps more awake than I've ever been for a long time. Normally when I get tired my eyes get watery, my neck and back start to get stiff, and my body starts to feel numb and aching on a whole; and I did start to feel like that for a little bit, but it disappeared and I felt wide awake. I'm not sure how long I could have stayed awake but I doubt it would have been good for my health, cause I do know about those stories of gamers who go for days straight with no rest who just fall over dead. After being in that state myself I can understand how they were doing it without feeling tired, the brain just gets so into doing whatever is happening that tiredness just doesn't set in.

Needless to say that kind of threw my sleeping cycle off whatever kind of axis it was spinning around. I've had a day where I was up for like 24 hours, and a night where I was sleeping for 12. My memory of when I was awake and when I was asleep is pretty hazy. I'm still trying to figure out when I want to be in bed and when I want to wake up. When I do I can get back to doing the art thing. (I don't really want to take on new commissions while I'm in a zombiish mode, I can't exactly guarantee good quality as such)

█ So yeah Hearthstone, it's a fun game. I imagine I'll grow tired of it relatively quickly as the meta game seems to be highly dependent on paying for cards, as well as the game stagnating as there's only a few decks that seem to function on the higher levels. The draft mode they have for it is interesting as well, but the problem is you have to pay to get into it (or do a lot of grinding to earn enough gold to do so)

I never played M:TG all that seriously, and I feel they are significantly different games.

█ I suppose I might as well mention (I think again) that I do have an account on weasyl. I probably would have had been active on it during FA's downtime if not for that financial crisis that happened to me in the middle of it (A thanks again to the people who commissioned me during that time, it helped a great deal).

Certainly that FA downtime had people up in arms and the like. I can imagine the myriad of thoughts that ran through some people's heads during it (most of it unkind I'm sure). Sure FA could be better, what thing exists doesn't suffer from "could be better"? People stick around I think for the community that exists here. Certainly the people I've gotten to know is because of that community that is based around FA.

A different side of the equation are artists who get a lot of their business via FA (like I do for example), but for myself I had enough of a social network to keep myself busy for the days FA was down, so I was plenty busy (I still have dozens of images to upload, but I'm lazy), though other artists aren't in the same situation and the site being down probably hurt them a fair bit. Suppose it would give them a fair bit of motivation to have alternative methods of contact. I suppose that's the other strength of FA is that because of the larger community artists are more drawn to it because it's easier to get customers on it.

I often think why there doesn't seem to be a site that has information for artists/commissioners. Yes sites allow artists to inform their watchers or passersby that they are open for commissions and their prices and usually a forum on whatever site for artists to advertise, but on the customer end it's a horrible system as they have no real way of finding artists to do work. It's more like they have to stumble across them. I think this is certainly the case because there's plenty of decent or great artists doing commissions but virtually no customers because they're virtually unknown (in a literal sense when I think about it)

How would I construct a system/site for artists/commissioners? I think it would be pretty easy overall to structure. An artist could list their price range (or trade/freebies), payment methods/options/deposits, type of art they do, how often they take commissions, how many commissions they've done, and average time it takes them to complete the commission. Customers would have the option of rating and reviewing that artist plus linking to the art that was done for them (or worst case not done for them). I think all of this would allow it to be easier for artists get customers (if they need it) as well as customers to find an artist that suits their needs.

Heck, even just a simple page that listed all the artists that have flagged themselves as open for commissions would be all that's needed as the artist themselves can supply the rest of their information on their front pages.

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Status: What is sleep anymore?

█ Going to start with a long blurb, please be sure to read the next section of this journal cause there's going to be some ground rules about how I'm going to be doing this set of commissions (hence the trial run); but first I'm just going to talk about what I'm doing and my thoughts on it.

I'm trying to take the whole arting for money a bit more seriously after the events of the past couple of weeks. The main problem with how I've been going about it before I found to have been a bit off-putting when it comes to my persona time management. Time management is I suppose one of the more important life skills anyone can possess, and I have extremely poor time management. I wasn't taught it by anyone I knew or respected when I grew up. All I did was follow routines: Other people's routines.

Though where am I going with this? Well I've been trying to manage my time, but as I said I'm pretty bad with it. Usually when I do commissions I go by default "Well one slot is about an hours worth of work, so I should be able to do 8-10 commissions in a day; therefore, I should open up 10 slots do that in a day then open up more." Seems logical in my head, but in practice that's never the case. This is because some people have more elaborate ideas, or want multiple characters/scenes which of course bump up the time required. Some characters I can draw out in less than an hour, others two or three. All of these considerations is why I put together my commission slot details image, which makes it easier for me to compartmentalize my time and at the same time allows me to show other people it as well.

Since I'm trying to treat my art as more of a job, I'm trying to do the whole 'work 8 hours' thing, which is why I came up with the number of 5 slots for this journal. More often than not, doing a "commission slot" will take me 1-2 hours. With that in mind, 5 commission slots worth of work will on average take me about 7-8 hours. As for the price of $25 dollars (which I guess works out to be about $17 an hour under ideal conditions) I have no exact logic behind it. I mean other artists do charge more than I do for roughly the same quality work (people can and will probably dispute it in either direction), but it doesn't have much impact on how I charge things. I haven't minded working for 'minimum wage' in the past, but I guess in the end the pressure of me needing money recently was the main driving factor of why the price is $25 instead of like $15. Being broke seems to be a good motivator for doing a lot of art and charging more...

█ Okay this is the important part of the the journal if you want a commission.

This journal is going to be first come first serve in regards who wants a commission. (Future commissions slots might be decided via raffle or some other method, this one is for the purpose of me testing my time management). The only thing you need to post right away is the following information:

How many commission slots you want.

That's it. Though be sure to understand that a commission slot is basically one full body picture of just one character. ( http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12299795/ ). So if what you want drawn is more than one character you'll have to ask for more than one slot. Yes this does mean that one person can take up all 5 slots for $125. If you take the last slot, but your idea requires 2 or 3 slots I'll probably still do it; just means the next day I'd open up fewer slots based on time spent.

After you have stated how many commission slots you want

Reply to your own request post and include the following information:

1 - Link to character reference(s)
2 - Tell me if it's full-body, half-body, or body-part
3 - Description of what's being shown (or at least what the focus of the image is going to be)
4 - Repeat #2-3 as many times as necessary until the commission slots you've requested is filled up.

I'll want this information within 2 hours of you taking up the slot. Should be enough time for you to work out the details of what you want.

If the requested slots and the follow up details do not match

I skip you.

If you request a slot but all 5 are taken up

I'm not doing it! Unless someone screwed up their requested slot and you were sitting on slot 6 which doesn't exist.

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Status: Stress with your Stress on top of your Stress

█ Let me start off this: Don't panic or worry for me. I think things will work out financially for the time being (other members of my family is probably going to be able to cover other shortfalls this time around). For more details and other things continue to read.

█ This was a journal I had originally planned to write on or after the 21st, and it's in relation to real life. I would have journaled that day if we really did live in an instantaneous world; but of course it's not. Essentially a rather large bill is due on the 21st and I had forgotten it takes time for PayPal to move funds to a bank account, a few days even. So how things progress from this point forward is out of my hands.

Of course I suppose I should explain the situation at hand currently. The gist of it is that my mother runs a seasonal business and it's slowest in the winter, this year has been slower than most to say the least. The bill in question is something like $3000, and has to do with the rent of the business space she works in. The worst thing that could happen with a missed payment is the locks being changed, which of course would mean the end of her business and probably bankruptcy.

At this point there will be a slight divergence... well, I suppose a major divergence in reactions; kind of depending on how people feel about parents and family. For me I have a decent relationship with my parents and siblings. I can't say they're my friends as they know little about me, at the same time they don't interfere or poke around my business either. It's I suppose a positive neutral relationship, if that makes any sense.

The next thing I'll talk about will also have... differing reactions depending on how people view money. As I mentioned it's been a bad winter business year for my mother, the amount of money I've loaned/given her since October to today has been in the order of around $4000 (not including the $2000 that I might have before the deadline). This is of course a lot of money for a lot of people who live on minimum wage (or less). For me personally it's I suppose a small price to pay. Yes it has pretty much taken what meager savings I had to my name down to nothing, but it's still a small price in the grand scheme of things. At least it is in regards to my own life. It's something I can do for my mother who has spent a lot of time caring for me for a good chunk of my life.

█ Though what is my life? By measures of most people I would be considered a looser. The worth of the possessions to my name perhaps amount to $2000 total. About half of it owing to my tablet which I draw on, and another chunk to my PC which is some 5 years old I think and as such nearly worthless. I of course have clothing and other miscellaneous items, but that's pretty much the extent of my belongings. I don't own a car, I don't live on my own, I don't own a home, I don't have a relationship with anyone, I'm certainly not rich, I don't have a degree, I don't have a job, I certainly don't have a career, I don't go out, I don't travel, I don't have many friends, and I suffer from mental instability which leaves me depressed and unmotivated for long stretches.

Certainly is a quite a different picture from what many people view my presence as isn't it? Though I suppose the question is then why don't I change things? The simple answer is that most of those things won't make me happy in the slightest. Certainly if I didn't suffer from depressive cycles it would be a lot easier for me to be happy, but that in of itself wouldn't make me happy. The thing that makes me happy is to fulfill the wants of others.

When I first started doing art online I did a lot of gift art for other people to make them happy. I didn't expect or want anything in return aside from gratitude, no matter how small. If there was some kind of group activity in say like a game, I would do my best to help everyone succeed. I didn't care for my personal excellence, I cared for other people to exceed. It's also why I do like to spend time just helping other artists out when I can.

It's not that I don't have any personal self-worth and that I live vicariously through other people's successes or off the smiles of others. It's just been something that was part of who I am for as long as I can remember. I change myself for others, and my personality is very much a shape-shifter; who I am ends up being a reflection of those around me. If I'm around people who are very strict, neat, follow rules; then so will I. If other people are lax, messy, unorganized; then I will be as well. If others try, so will I; if they don't, I won't. I know many people can do this, but for me it feels natural; I can live with a neat freak or a slob and be perfectly fine with either (and I've lived in both situations).

Though because of how my personality takes on features of those around me, I'm obviously more productive in more structured environments; and my home life is anything but structured. I receive little to no warning about the things that happen in the house, no one is assigned to any chores, food is prepared randomly, there is no set eating time either. Me trying to impose structure on myself in a chaotic environment is very taxing for me, because living here I just naturally want to end up being lax and doing things more randomly and on whims.

█ The irony isn't lost on me that I have a personality that is probably akin to a shape-shifter but the two main characters I have are not, but in addition to that I have zero interest in having them be modified/transformed/changed in anyway. It's perhaps a little bit of a defiance of my nature, or perhaps an anchor of sorts. I find that I seem to be rather full of contradictions, while not really being hypocritical.

As an example I consider myself extremely lazy, taking almost no initiative on anything; doing the minimum or nothing at all. Yet, at the same time I work my butt off arting for hours on end non-stop. Only reason why it makes any sense at all is that narrow focus means specific things get done, while everything else doesn't get done at all.

Another perhaps might be how I'm presented as a dominant type, when I'm anything but. Though it is fun to play the part now and then, kind of like the sentiment "Nice place to visit, but I wouldn't live there."

The hardest one for me to... deal with I suppose, is not really liking the attention and fame that I've acquired; yet I suppose pandering to it? I don't really view attention as a positive thing, because there is responsibility attached to it. Other people have invested a part of themselves to you, and it becomes completely your responsibility to let them down or not. There's a lot of people who dismiss that responsibility as the fault of the person giving the attention, but I don't really view it that way. Children understand the responsibility that comes with attention, as well as when it's good to have it and when it's not. When they have attention they generally want to make those who are giving them attention happy. When they are trying to get away with something they do their best to avoid it. It's only when we're adults that when we gain attention we throw it back at the faces of the people who give it to us in the first place, children don't do that; they become apologetic when their audience ends up confused or disinterested. Though generally the audience of children are their parents, where as I have a rather sizable audience; an audience I don't want to disappoint one day.

█ I should have been in bed and sleeping about three hours ago as of this posting, but as you can see there's a lot of thoughts keeping me awake. The last big thing keeping me awake is the question of "did I just get a kick in the pants?." For the past week I've been working myself into madness, not for the sake of myself; but for my mom. In that time, drawing over 12 hours a day for that week I have almost 40 images to upload that I haven't yet; commissions that brought in about a thousand dollars. I am grateful to the friends and fans who were commissioning me through FA's downtime, but I find myself in this weird spot of can I keep doing it? Can I let my foot off the gas pedal just a tiny bit without coming to a screeching halt when the threat has past? I know myself well enough to say that the answer is "No, once this thing is over, you'll come to dead stop again" but the part of me going "You can do it, it's something you actually want for yourself" has been getting a bit louder. That part of me that wants something a bit closer to a "typical" life without having a typical job.

I am worn out though, and I still need to raise the money regardless; because it's my purpose in life for the time being, it's my motivation. I just hope I can substitute a new motivation in after the current troubles are past. In any case it'll be back to work for me after I sleep.

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Status: Stress with your Stress.

█ I'm sure I'll write a journal about recent FA events later, but right now I need to take in commissions and fast. Long story really short is sometime during the 11th or 12th I was informed of a rather large bill the house hold needs to pay. This relates back to a previous journal entryI wrote a few months ago. Needless to say after what liquid savings I have left the bill was still $2000 to go. I have actually been taking in commissions for the past five days working 12-16 hours per day, and have managed to get half that amount so far. This leaves me with another $1000 to go and some 4 days to do it in. Math currently works out to if I can do 10 commissions a day at $25 each I should be able to make the deadline. I'll very likely make a massive journal about this whole experience after the 21st as well. For obvious reasons updating my 500k image will be done after as well.

█ At any rate, I'll be charging $25 per body/character (max of three or $75) So this means you can do a three image sequence, or a single image involving three characters.

First 10 interested get the slots, leave your character/reference links and a short description of what you want.

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Status: Still feeling stressed, but that's to be expected.

█ As per to my recent submission, something that as a watcher you might be interested in: I'll be reopening my 500k picture and adding more people into it if you missed the other journals/submissions that mentioned it. I might even update it periodically more than this one time (doubtful, but the possibility exists)

Anyways, once again, if you want to be added into the group picture leave a reference in the comments.

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Status: Still feeling stressed, but that's to be expected.

█ For the purposes of Friend Safari, my friend code is 1590-4858-0101. I think it's rock or something. Leave your friend code in the journal and feel free to add each other as well.

This will probably the last of the Pokemon related stuff I'll be doing for awhile in terms of journal/art stuffs.

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Status: Still feeling stressed, but that's to be expected.

█ Warning, talk of Pokemans! The game! Shock! Bail out now if such things put you into a coma!

█ I bought Pokemon X sometime late in November, so I didn't get it when it was released and I've only been playing around with it for a couple of weeks really. I suppose this journal is going to be kind of a game review I guess, but I'll premise this with the following details: I played the original Pokemon Red version. I put so many hours into it that the time played maxed out at 256 hours (or was it 255 I can't really remember) and at one point the batter fitzed out on the cartridge so my Pokemon went into the digital ether. I've also played Gold and Diamond, but I never completed either one; I just never found myself drawn back into the series. There was far too many Pokemon to deal with, and the Pokemon story never was that engaging to start with. I suppose the main crux of it was that I didn't care about these new Pokemon, because my childhood was firmly entrenched in the original set which I caught each one of them (except for Mew).

Pokemon X let me love being a Pokemon trainer again, for various reasons; but the first is because you can get the original Pokemon starters relatively early in the game. For me having a Charmander back in my party was like finding a long lost friend, that feeling of "this doesn't feel quite right" suddenly felt right again. I know that there exists complaints for how characters are overused in other games, but characters are reused for a reason: They are who people become familiar with, and the more you can use your imagination to fill the gaps the more you'll feel attached to them. My Charizard is my Charizard, and even though every other one is virtually identical; they won't be mine, and mine won't be theirs. It might be nostalgia, but I love nostalgia.

So what's another thing I like about being a Pokemon trainer? It's about the "controversial" experience share item that's also given to you relatively early in the game, an item that basically increases the experience your Pokemon x6. When you win a battle, every Pokemon in your team gets experience period. I loved that's in the game, though other people despise it because it makes the game too 'easy'. Though people really need to be honest with themselves, Pokemon was never a hard game; it was only hard if you played the original Red and Blue and you picked a Charmander as your starter. Meaning you had to face Brock with a team consisting of something like Charmander and five Pidgies. Not Effective Much? After that it was just sending a Pokemon that had whatever super effective move against the Gym leader. Odds are it would one shot every Pokemon they had and made you question their credential as a gym leader.

But I digress.

I didn't enjoy the old system of leveling up Pokemon: Starting with a low level Pokemon then swapping in a high level one to give it the experience. It was a tedious experience, and I'm glad they did away with it. Leveling up Pokemon doesn't become a chore anymore, and lets you build your personal team up much faster instead of spending hours running back and forth in tall grass to slowly and painstakingly level up another Pokemon in your team so you have more than one or two decently powered ones. Needless to say Pokemon X was the first Pokemon game I've actually played to the end since the original Red.

I still end up playing the game despite having finished it. Mostly because of two things about the end game: The Battle Maison and Breeding. The first is what I feel is what the game be like if it was designed around the "hardcore" player. All the Pokemon used are the same level (50) and both trainers will use the exact same number of Pokemon (ranging from 3 to 6). The challenge being to win 20 times consecutive battles in the 'easy' mode, then to do it 50 times in the 'super' mode. I've only managed to get around 30ish wins in a row before my team couldn't make it any further (usually due to facing a team that ended up being a hard counter to my own). This is a mode that certainly challenges one's ability to put together a solid team, it's a level of difficulty I don't often see in a game. If not for the ease of leveling up a new Pokemon to 50 to try and find a better team combination, the Battle Maison would be a horrible part of the game. Though this of course means benching some Pokemon that were part of your team for the storyline, or maybe even your whole team! (sorry Caterpie, you did me proud in Pokemon Red and helped me crush every gym leader in X; but you just have no chance here).

I suppose I should mention that the mega evolutions were probably for use with the Battle Maison, doesn't have much use in the storyline; you certainly need the stat boosts against the opponents that you end up facing there. There's some strategy around it I suppose. Mostly because it replaces your Pokemon's ability with the mega-evolution ability. So for example I have it on my Kangaskhan which has an ability that cuts sleeping effects in half, which makes using rest to get rid of status problems and regain health a easier to survive through; but if I mega evolve it it loses that ability, but does gain 50% more damage to her attacks. In the end the Battle Maison does require a fair bit of thinking and planning, which I do enjoy for the mental exercise.

The other thing that I found strangely engaging was the breeding of Pokemon. I had known for a long time that there was a hidden system under the stats, and that many Pokemon differed from each other in terms of their stats; and that you could breed them to be stronger than the average Pokemon. It all seemed convoluted for me and for people who had waaaaay too much time on their hands. So they changed a lot of it. Well... I shouldn't say changed as much as I should say they revealed the system and made it a lot easier for people to manipulate the values to breed the 'perfect' Pokemon. For me, that's still way too much work; but! They made it pretty easy to breed a Pokemon with two or three perfect stats, which is all I personally care about because I have zero intention of playing against other players in a serious fashion. I suppose to elaborate a bit is that they introduced a set of training mini-games to help boost your Pokemon's stats (as opposed to the old system which required battling certain kinds of Pokemon over and over) Takes around 30 minutes to max the values for one I guess. They also changed it so that Pokemon that breed pass off most of their own stats to their offspring, something like 5 out of the 6 stats instead of the old 3 out of 6. So if you mash a two Pokemon with 3 good stats each you have a chance of one ending up with 5 good ones. I don't take breeding too seriously, as I mentioned I just breed them to get a couple of perfect values instead of all of them; it's just nice that this part of the game has become accessible as opposed to the other versions which required like some kind of PHD in Pokemon breeding to do properly.

There's also a garden system in the game, for berries. That's a thing I suppose. I tend to plant a berry, water it and then forget about it. Might be more interesting to people who like simulated gardening, which only really involves weeding/water/batting Pokemon who want to eat your crops. I can't be bothered to weed/battle them most of the time.

I suppose the last thing I'll mention is the Pokemon Amie thing. It's a nice addition to the game and I wish they did more with it. It's more or less like having a virtual pet, but the functionality sadly is very limited as all you can do is pet them and feed them. Some of them will 'high-five' you though if you leave the cursor hovering near them, which is kind of neat. Supposedly you can make faces at them, but I never got it work properly. My Pokemon apparently have a different definition of winking an eye than I do. There's mini-games attached to this mode that don't really feel like a part of the system, they're just there to allow you to earn more food to feed your Pokemon.

But that's my experience with Pokemon X. I give it a thumbs up if you're a fan of Pokemon, mileage of course will vary from person to person.

I might share my friend code later on or something since I could do with more than a couple of Friend Safari zones (and I'm not so into the game that I'll dive into Reddit to get access to every possible set of Pokemon)

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Status: It's blizzarding!

█ This journal is for those of you who haven't been able to make it to my stream sessions thus far and want to be part of a large latex pit group picture I'm doing to mark 500k page views.

If you want to be drawn into it leave a reference and I'll draw them in the next day or two.

EDIT: Closinated!

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Status: Allergy to stress flaring up

█ If you think I'd do the typical and obvious thing of giving a picture to whoever takes a screenshot of my page at half-a-million views, clearly you don't know me too well! I don't think it's particularly too interesting to throw a picture at a person who happened to be up at a specific time and looking at my front page at exactly the right moment.

So what I'm doing instead is for the next... 2-3 days is I'll be streaming and put together what likely will be a messy looking sketch of anyone who cares to visit and want their character inserted into however big a picture it ends up being. Course who knows how many people I'd be able to fit.

It's probably going to be some giant latex goo pit of doom.

http://www.livestream.com/endium
This First Stream will be up for around 4-5 hours of this posting, and I'll probably create a separate journal later to draw in people who tend to be asleep when I'm streaming, or in other words for the time being you have to show up in the stream to be drawn into the picture (some exceptions apply for certain people I know).

EDIT: Stream is over for the night!

EDIT2: And there it went! While I was asleep to boot! Probably won't be able to stream till late today if I do at all due to real life things to do!

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Status: Allergy to stress flaring up

█ Since FA has been set on fire once again (like a pile of burning tires) I figured I might as well input my two cents on the subject, cause why not? (Actually I'm sure there's a bunch of why nots including that of "OMG there's a bazillion journals about this already STFU!). First off is I guess it didn't affect me whatsoever, but that's because I watch relatively few people so I don't encounter a lot of 'raffle advertisement journals'. Even if it did I'd probably just be one of those people who would either unwatch those spamming advertisement journals, or delete them.

The idea itself was pretty genius from an objective standpoint (for the uninformed it's basically someone offering art/money/(insert other prize) for +watching that person and doing a journal shout-out about the contest. Now, why is it genius? Because it hits so many buttons which including the following: Need, greed, money, drama, and requires almost no effort. Buttons which incidentally I actively try to avoid, let alone combining them. In the end though it's a lot of exposure for minimal effort by the person who's doing the raffle and for those participating. The looser of the whole process are people's inboxes which get crammed full of journals which have been changed into advertisements.

Unfortunately a blanket ban on raffle/contests that involves required links to the contest itself does hurt the people with smaller audiences who do it to try and get some more participation, and it's perfectly understandable as such. Though in the end is it a good way to build a watcher base? Ehhh I'd argue it's not.

█ A possible long term solution for this issue (and many others) is to introduce a new hub into FA, even if it's just a forum system that's directly tied (as opposed to the offsite forums). Then people can advertise whatever they want be it auctions, raffles, or streams without spamming submissions or journals. If forum threads can be 'watched' much like how users on FA can be then all the better. My imagination could run with this particular line of thought for awhile, but I think I'll abstain from it cause it's pointless to do so. It's just one of those 'nice to have' things, and in a way journals are kind of like that anyways (except I'm the only person allowed to create thread topics).

█ So on to popularity. Let me say that I dislike the term 'popufur' and it's because it's synonymous with "Oh you get a lot of attention; therefore, you are a prick." (Course I dislike generalizations as a rule). This isn't to mention for people who dislike 'popufurs' so much they spend a lot of time wishing they were one. These lines of thoughts make me want to strangle the internet.

For me personally, I don't view myself as 'popular'; mostly because I've been in constant denial since the first day I set foot on FA. Heck, the memory of the first image I submitted to my gallery is still engrained in my head of "Okay... I've gotten 100 views on my image in one day. I wonder if I should be scared." Other people probably would be going "Awesome" or "Yay people like it!" but for me it has always been a general sense of unease around the attention. I knew from day one that the attention I got here on FA would be atypical from what other people would experience.

This atypical experience is reflected in the times where I now and then compare myself to other users on the site. I didn't notice it until just now, but I recently surpassed one of my favorite artists k-inukai here on FA when it comes to watchers, whom has way higher quality art. (So yeah part of me goes "You're not that good, so why should you have more watchers?) Though at the same time only ~200 submissions to my ~900. So there's something to be said about quality and quantity. Does that I mean I'm more or less 'popular'? Does it even matter? Granted it matters to some people, but it doesn't really matter to me. This isn't to mention there's hundreds of people with more watchers than I do as well.

Speaking of page views, I'm creeping towards half-a-million. That boggles my mind. Even when I looked as I was typing this out my brain went "no it's 50k, not 500k can't be." I don't know, what even?

My mind kind of wandered off there. The reason why I'm even talking about popularity relates back to the whole raffle thing to get more watchers and the like. I'm not sure what the point of it is, as you're not getting an honest watch. This isn't to mention that you're going to lose watchers over the course of the time you spend here on FA (or any site really). People might get bored of your content, or people might be put off but a shift in content; it's kind of lose/lose. Though if you worry about that kind of stuff then you're probably doing art for entirely the wrong reasons to start with.

Defining popularity is also counterproductive I feel. How many watchers does it require to be 'popular'? 10? 100? 1000? 10,000? Why do some people have it as a goal? In the end those who are persistent and push themselves to improve will eventually get attention. I know I keep subtly pushing myself over and over as the quality of my art is notably "better" (I guess) over the past 5 years, and I do my best to put something out on a semi-frequent basis (when depression doesn't get in the way). The people who don't gain much traction in the way of attention I find are those who haven't submitted very many things; or if they have, are too scared to push their own boundaries and their art stagnates. (Plenty of good but boring artists out there who never seem to deviate from a standing pose).

In the end (for the most part anyways) I do art for my own enjoyment. If others enjoy it with me, hey that's a bonus; I do want the whole thing to be a positive experience for others, not a negative one. Those things to me are the most important things for becoming 'popular'.

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Status: Tastes like suffering

█ Haven't written a journal in a while, so I guess I should or something.

Past few days I've been suffering from extreme heartburn which is rather unpleasant. I'd probably have extreme difficulties sleeping if not for antacids due to the associated pain of having part of one's digestive system being melted away. I know that certain foods causes more heartburn for me than others, but I've never been able to pinpoint what.

Currently I've gone without eating for about 20 hours save for around a dozen potato chips and I find that I don't feel hungry. A little bit weird I guess, course I was kind of testing the 'feeling of burning' vs the 'feeling of hungry'.

█ In not shocking news I'm back into a more depressive mood. Though to be fair I think that's more a few days ago since when I'm really depressed the last thing I want to do is write a status report on that. I don't really need or want the attention (still don't) but I do try to write a journal now just for the sake of letting people know that I'm still milling about. It's always in the back of my mind of how one is supposed to report on one's own depression without simultaneously not look like as if I'm begging for attention. Not to mention how I'm supposed to talk about it without having other people become sad as well. Other kinds of problems are easier to talk about without the other person become sad as well, like... heartburn, or lack of sleep. I suppose I might elaborate on the 'taboos' of depression in another journal entry if I put a bit more thought into it later.

█ Sometimes I consider becoming a video blogger of sorts, simply because I do a lot of thinking on a lot of subjects, course a problem with that is I don't like listening to myself speak. Not that I've listened to myself speaking a lot, but I know how boring or annoying a person's voice can be at times. Just off/on thoughts of other ways I could express myself other than these journal musings or drawing things.

█ I suppose speaking of art, I've run into one of them artistic/inspirational blocks. I'm trying to work through it on my own before the pressure of needing money pretty much forces me over it. I suppose the problem is via a combination of a bit of boredom combined with depression combined with standards for myself that I've set too high again. It's hard balancing certain aspects of myself, and I'm not doing too good a job of it. Though I suppose as I write this stuff down it's something more tangible and something I can grasp with, to let myself relax a bit and not worry so much about 'quality.'

Made me think of a line I heard recently "Saying graphics are important to a game is the same as watching porn for the story."

Which in my case is that I should relax about about the details and worry more about expressing the idea. Something I know, but needs reminding every so often.

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Status: Back to being stressed

█ Was informed today that someone was posing as me through IMs to try and get free art from other people (via art trading I think). I'm going to keep things pretty vague as I don't want would-be-Endiums to know how I operate outside FA and thereby become better at imitating me. I'm also keeping things vague to keep the drama at a minimum because I know where blame and anger lands: Everywhere.

In any case FA is currently the only place I operate, and my main method of communications is using the FA note system. If you get a random message by an "Endium" (or my other character names) via any other means other than an FA note there's a 99.9% chance that it's fake.

Additionally, I avoid art trades as a rule of thumb. Art trades for me usually being art 'gifts' because I end up producing something and the other person never finishes, that soured me on the concept long ago.

█ In the end I always knew that imposters wouldn't bother me, but that the greatest risk would be to other people who end up believing the imposter was me and get exploited as such. I have no real control over that. The world is full of fake people, and sometimes things happen like a person pretending to be a grandchild of an elderly person to bilk them out of their life-savings. Only thing I can say is make sure you know who you're communicating with before you put yourself out there for any sort of risk.

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Status: It's Snowing! Yay!

█ Dates aren't really important to me, and I pretty much forgot this one was coming up. Though if there was any date on a calendar to have any kind of meaning to me, I think it would be this one. It marks a date in where one of the few times in my life I made a choice on my own. Seems like a simple concept, but it's slightly more complicated in that. I was one of those people who can be easily be pressured to do things they don't want to, and do so without complaining. I'd go through the motions, meet what was expected of me and then that's it. I never really felt I accomplished anything, and I seldom did anything I wanted to do. I was trapped in that cycle for so long I forgot the things I did want to do, or the things I wanted to do stopped being fun.

It's sitting here typing this I realize what it's like: Rolling a rough stone in a grinder over and over until you get a smooth stone. Everyone is a rough stone at the beginning, with their own unique features and points; but so many people get thrown into the grinder to in the end coming out the same: A round pebble. What made anyone unique ground away to dust. There was a lot of things in my life that I vaguely remember that I enjoyed doing, but what I remember far more clearly is when people scolded me for doing it, or simply destroyed my efforts. It was an inescapable cycle for me, and it's how I lost my passion for life, bit by bit. I lost it because I liked sharing and showing what I did, but just enough people were around me that were interested in destroying the things I did that when I asked myself "What's the point?" I couldn't come up with an answer, so I stopped.

Which brings me to this FA date. I suppose it was inevitable with the life I had that I ended up doing what I do here. It was one of the few interests I had left that had somehow escaped my early years somehow unscathed.

I lurked for a year and a half on FA (I still remember the dummy account I created for the purposes of seeing the mature/adult rated stuff) and I spent a year on yahoogroups building up myself to actually take the step into the unknown.

In the end five years ago I decided to share one of the last things that still had meaning to me. Are there things I regret? Sure, but if I had to do it all over again I would. It's still something I'm getting used to, and it's something in where I now and then find parts of myself I've lost. It's one of the few times in my life where things took a turn for the better. It's one of the few times in my life I made my own choice for myself, free of other people's expectations other than my own. It's a date I can look at and not be reminded of sadness or anxiety.

I am sorry that I don't respond to more of your comments. While I'm quite verbose when it comes to most of my journals, I'm usually at loss at what I would say to some comments. (Though I do read like 80-90% of them) Well to be fair, I probably could think of something to say if given enough time, but then I'd be spending perhaps 15-30 minutes trying to figure out what to say.

I thank you all for appreciating what I have shared with you over the five years. It seems to be something more important to me than even I seem to realize, and it's not something I quite understand yet.

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Status: Still Stressed

█ A sort of mini-status report. Currently I find myself falling asleep between 5 and 7 AM and getting up around 2-3 PM. This is a sleep cycle that is offset by around 8 hours from most people, and for me it's a deviation of about 4 hours. It's not that I particular mind the off-set, but currently I do spend most of the day feeling a lot more tired than normal.

Not exactly sure what I'm going to do about it, but a part of me is going "Just stay up for like 30 hours." On the other hand I suppose I'd be fine with my sleep schedule continuing to drift if not for other aspects of my life happening at roughly set times of eating and what interaction with other people I do maintain.

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Status: Stressed

█ Well, I drove myself crazy over doing commissions. Sort of anticipated that would happen. Granted, increased financial pressure hasn't helped on that front either: Basically I need to throw significantly more money at food, and this extra pressure is probably going to last until January or February.

In any event, the past few days I've been able to get a better idea of how to pace/price myself that I can be somewhat content with.

█ Like the last journal I'm basically taking nearly any idea that comes in and working with it. I reserve my right to skip over any commission for any reason (that reason is usually my own sanity) check my front page for commission details.

This is again first come first serve.

I'll be working on "one page" with the following price break-ups:

$20 - Single Image.
$40 - 3 to 6 panel comic.
$60 - 8 or more panel comic.

If you want a commission post here in this journal with the following info:

- Type of Image: Single Image or # of Panel Comic
- Character(s) Involved with reference link(s)
- Brief (or preferably extensive) description of what you want drawn.

█ If you are part of the previous journal list but I didn't get to your commission and still want a one from me, you can post a reply to a post I'll make under this journal and I'll prioritize yours in front of the others. (I might try to preserve the order as well, but I'm under a fair bit of stress so I might not take that extra step)

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Status: Stressed

█ Here's where I drive myself crazy again and take on some more commissions. Commission information is found on my front page for those not familiar with how I do things, or if you want some extra level of detail on how things work, so on and so forth.

█ This will be a first come first serve sort of thing, how many I do is going to depend mostly on how much energy and momentum I get before I stop.

If you're interested in a commission I'll want the following information:

Character(s) Involved
Will need reference links or a really, really good verbal description.

Concept / Idea
This should be self-explanatory, but it's worth noting that if you ask me to pick something or make something up on the fly that I'm just going to skip over your request. Just please be very precise in the description of what you want, especially if the idea is complicated.

It can be a single image, a sequence, or maybe even a comic page or two; but just keep in mind of the next blurb below.

Quality
I'm basically pricing myself around $10 an hour as per usual. Most single images in my gallery are around 2 hours of work (or $20). So that would be the best quality you can probably expect, with that quality scaling down the more you ask of me to do.

Disclaimer
If you ask me for something crazy like a three page comic to be put together in two hours, don't expect the same level of quality. I'll give it a shot, just don't expect a very clean looking result.