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Sep 29: Commission Plans
General | Posted 12 years ago|██████████|BODY
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█ This just sort of a heads up journal post I suppose. There's three commission type projects I'll likely be setting up in the near future.
The first one is a sort of open concept commission. It would be people putting forward their idea of what they want drawn and then I'd draw it, that kind of thing. Probably would be restricted to a single image or short sequence.
The second is my next comic project which will be sextoy/lovedoll related. It would be a short one that would be 2-4 pages and only would feature 1-2 characters, though the plan would be to do it a few times before moving on.
The third is a sort of iffy thing, it would be a sort of "Your Character Here" thing. If I do I won't be auctioning it, but rather I'd just do a random draw to see who gets the slot at whatever price I decided to set it as.
In any case I'll put more thought into what I'll be doing when I'm not tired and can think a bit more straight.
|██████████|MIND
|██████████|SOUL
█ This just sort of a heads up journal post I suppose. There's three commission type projects I'll likely be setting up in the near future.
The first one is a sort of open concept commission. It would be people putting forward their idea of what they want drawn and then I'd draw it, that kind of thing. Probably would be restricted to a single image or short sequence.
The second is my next comic project which will be sextoy/lovedoll related. It would be a short one that would be 2-4 pages and only would feature 1-2 characters, though the plan would be to do it a few times before moving on.
The third is a sort of iffy thing, it would be a sort of "Your Character Here" thing. If I do I won't be auctioning it, but rather I'd just do a random draw to see who gets the slot at whatever price I decided to set it as.
In any case I'll put more thought into what I'll be doing when I'm not tired and can think a bit more straight.
Sep 14: Sunshines and Rainbows
General | Posted 12 years ago|█████|BODY
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█ Something to counter my personal dreariness of the previous journal entry.
https://youtu.be/KvXtRVifAXE
I love the gasps.
█ Thanks to some people who tried to cheer me up with some arts:
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/11243219/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/11456993/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/11589692/
█ Yay for a new season of Legend of Korra. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bsAU6yl2_I
█ I enjoy the remix of the Pokemon music here, mostly because it retains that 'video game' feel. Most music when 'modernized' becomes in my opinion far too clean, and really those old sound chips were the only things that made those kind of noises. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Lyi2RSVxqg
█ I'll see if I want to do some drawing in the near future. I suppose depends a great deal on my manic mood and what I want to draw. Still have to decide if I wanted to finish up the rest of the 'current' comic.
|█████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ Something to counter my personal dreariness of the previous journal entry.
https://youtu.be/KvXtRVifAXE
I love the gasps.
█ Thanks to some people who tried to cheer me up with some arts:
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/11243219/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/11456993/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/11589692/
█ Yay for a new season of Legend of Korra. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bsAU6yl2_I
█ I enjoy the remix of the Pokemon music here, mostly because it retains that 'video game' feel. Most music when 'modernized' becomes in my opinion far too clean, and really those old sound chips were the only things that made those kind of noises. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Lyi2RSVxqg
█ I'll see if I want to do some drawing in the near future. I suppose depends a great deal on my manic mood and what I want to draw. Still have to decide if I wanted to finish up the rest of the 'current' comic.
Sep 14: Of the Sundered Soul
General | Posted 12 years ago|█████|BODY
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| █████|SOUL
█ Presumption over empathy leads to a loss of trust. This is the theme of most of my life.
People presume certain things are not important to another person, but how often does that presumption end up completely false? How often does that wrong presumption lead another person committing a grave wrong on another person? How often does the person doing the presuming simply go "Well I was only trying to help!" just to excuse their actions?
Trying to cure suffering without even first acknowledging it in the first place does nothing. It's like trying to save a drowning person by draining the ocean they're under and saying "I'm doing something helpful."
I'm the one drowning, and everyone else are the people trying to drain the ocean with buckets. It doesn't matter how many of you there are, it doesn't help.
Yes I have family and friends that care about me, and yes many of you who are fans who care about me as well; but these things don't reach me. I don't mean to diminish your goodwill, or attempts at making me feel better; but I can't bridge the gap between my own state of mind to the myriad of people who in their own way try to help me. I can only look upon it much in the same way as a drowning person might look at people trying to save them by trying to bucket out water: A mixture of frustration, despair, and anger.
I don't write this to seek attention, but I mention it anyways because... presumptions. I write this to give what I feel tangible substance, so I can look on the words that flow from my fingers and derive some meaning from it. I post these ramblings so that maybe people find answers to questions they have, or perhaps to questions they never thought to ask.
I actually wanted to try to put what feelings I have into the subject into some artistic endeavor, but I wasn't able to find an appropriate way to convey the message I was trying to express. I suppose the trouble with "A picture is worth a thousand words" is that one has very little control over what those thousands words will be, but with writing I do have that control; and I need that control for me to be express what is it that I feel.
So what do I feel? Loneliness. Too stand with people that care for you and still feel utterly alone. Though this leads back to the theme of my life. Every 'meaningful' relationship I can think of I can list at least one example of where my trust in that other person was destroyed. They're still the same person, and even the bulk of the relationship might stay the same; but in the inside I feel... little for them. That they could disappear from the world tomorrow and I don't think it would matter enough for me to be all that upset about it.
The laundry list is long, my parents, my brother, most of my friends, my teammates, my coworkers, my teachers, my classmates, my fans, and even complete strangers. At this point you might say "That's stupid, you can't have relationship with strangers." but you can. To be in the presence of a stranger and be comfortable, or be in the presence of a stranger uncomfortable, or even in danger; such is the nature of relationships with 'strangers' or in larger part the 'world'.
I on occasion wonder why I haven't killed myself while others have. One conclusion I've drawn on the subject is that it's because I was actually happy in some point in the past. That the foundations of a strong... I suppose 'character' were put together that allowed me to weather the stripping of what one might consider the soul. That what made me who i was got hollowed out completely but I did not implode and collapse on myself. The empty framework an echo of what's a faded memory of something... wholesome and beautiful. Other people probably don't get that, that from the beginning they've been beat down and tortured, that eventually the supports that hold up break down and fall apart and they take that final step and end it all. They have no one, not even themselves.
I still have myself, the only thing keeping me sane really. Friends and relationships tend to aggravate and frustrate me, because despite my abilities as a wordsmith I cannot ever get across how I feel enough for the other to even get a remote grasp on who I am. The reason why this journal even exists is because I made the stupid mistake of actually trying to open up and express my feelings about certain personal demons I need to confront to my 'fans'. The reaction I got from the peanut gallery was less than inspiring as while I was facing something I personally consider to be deep, concerning, and painful others decided to make light of it. Others suggesting that it's not a big a deal as I make it out to be. That they easily dealt with their own personal demons. Heck, supposedly one of the requirements for 'giving in' to one's demons is to kill people so clearly I'm not suffering as much as I say I am. Another suggestion that I'm not really broken at all, that I have all these people who care for me and I'm being unfair to all of them by acting the way I do.
This all just goes back to people bailing out the ocean for a drowning person, and why feelings of anger occur towards the people trying to 'help.' That all their trashing at the water's surface just probably creates waves and turbulence that just ends up pushing me deeper under. Who has ever been able to pull this drowning person to the surface? No one. That's how many people actually understand me well enough to actually make a meaningful impact in an effort to help me. Hence my loneliness.
All this and I haven't even talked about what the inner demons are. What things that trouble me even more than all this stuff I've put forward.
What's my inner demon? That I'm actually very spiteful, and that spitefulness is given a lot of strength because I don't have a face or nose to care about when I do spite. I have a sadistic side to my personality, and not in the 'fun' way either. It's probably something I got from my father, something I didn't really understand when I was younger; how he would laugh at other people's misfortunes. How he saw the suffering of others as a joke or funny. I didn't understand it or like it, but as I grew older I began to understand some context of it. The more I see of the world, the more I end up relying on that part of my personality; because people are stupid, and more and more I start feeling that people deserve to suffer. The more I think people should be miserable, and the more I want to laugh at such fools and idiots. To make everyone a lowlife that deserve their lot and suffering in life. That's not who I am though, that's not someone I want to be either. Suffering isn't a choice, but rather a condition that is forced upon them due to whatever fate the world pushed on them. No one chooses to be abused or mistreated in life, and we were all children once. Even for those who have done the greatest of wrongs I still want to be able to forgive them, and I still want to be able to feel sorry for them; because they were given a most unfair life. I don't want to take sadistic joy out of the suffering of others, there's always been too much of it; still is. Yet that is a strong part of me, but it's only strong because everything else about me was stripped away years ago, it was the only thing left. Sometimes I think it's still the only thing left, because often times it's the only thing I that I can describe as something I feel "passionate" about, everything else feels dead, cold, dried up, and gone.
I asked myself recently "What is it that you want?" and I couldn't come up with any strong answers. Just faint echos of "I want to be happy, but I don't think I even remember what that's like." When my thoughts drifted to my art here on FA the only conviction I could come up with was "I'd rather draw than work at retail or fast food" rather than any actual passion for the content. It's not much, but I suppose it will have to do.
It will have to be enough.
Besides, I think I'm learning how to breathe the ocean I'm drowning in.
|█████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ Presumption over empathy leads to a loss of trust. This is the theme of most of my life.
People presume certain things are not important to another person, but how often does that presumption end up completely false? How often does that wrong presumption lead another person committing a grave wrong on another person? How often does the person doing the presuming simply go "Well I was only trying to help!" just to excuse their actions?
Trying to cure suffering without even first acknowledging it in the first place does nothing. It's like trying to save a drowning person by draining the ocean they're under and saying "I'm doing something helpful."
I'm the one drowning, and everyone else are the people trying to drain the ocean with buckets. It doesn't matter how many of you there are, it doesn't help.
Yes I have family and friends that care about me, and yes many of you who are fans who care about me as well; but these things don't reach me. I don't mean to diminish your goodwill, or attempts at making me feel better; but I can't bridge the gap between my own state of mind to the myriad of people who in their own way try to help me. I can only look upon it much in the same way as a drowning person might look at people trying to save them by trying to bucket out water: A mixture of frustration, despair, and anger.
I don't write this to seek attention, but I mention it anyways because... presumptions. I write this to give what I feel tangible substance, so I can look on the words that flow from my fingers and derive some meaning from it. I post these ramblings so that maybe people find answers to questions they have, or perhaps to questions they never thought to ask.
I actually wanted to try to put what feelings I have into the subject into some artistic endeavor, but I wasn't able to find an appropriate way to convey the message I was trying to express. I suppose the trouble with "A picture is worth a thousand words" is that one has very little control over what those thousands words will be, but with writing I do have that control; and I need that control for me to be express what is it that I feel.
So what do I feel? Loneliness. Too stand with people that care for you and still feel utterly alone. Though this leads back to the theme of my life. Every 'meaningful' relationship I can think of I can list at least one example of where my trust in that other person was destroyed. They're still the same person, and even the bulk of the relationship might stay the same; but in the inside I feel... little for them. That they could disappear from the world tomorrow and I don't think it would matter enough for me to be all that upset about it.
The laundry list is long, my parents, my brother, most of my friends, my teammates, my coworkers, my teachers, my classmates, my fans, and even complete strangers. At this point you might say "That's stupid, you can't have relationship with strangers." but you can. To be in the presence of a stranger and be comfortable, or be in the presence of a stranger uncomfortable, or even in danger; such is the nature of relationships with 'strangers' or in larger part the 'world'.
I on occasion wonder why I haven't killed myself while others have. One conclusion I've drawn on the subject is that it's because I was actually happy in some point in the past. That the foundations of a strong... I suppose 'character' were put together that allowed me to weather the stripping of what one might consider the soul. That what made me who i was got hollowed out completely but I did not implode and collapse on myself. The empty framework an echo of what's a faded memory of something... wholesome and beautiful. Other people probably don't get that, that from the beginning they've been beat down and tortured, that eventually the supports that hold up break down and fall apart and they take that final step and end it all. They have no one, not even themselves.
I still have myself, the only thing keeping me sane really. Friends and relationships tend to aggravate and frustrate me, because despite my abilities as a wordsmith I cannot ever get across how I feel enough for the other to even get a remote grasp on who I am. The reason why this journal even exists is because I made the stupid mistake of actually trying to open up and express my feelings about certain personal demons I need to confront to my 'fans'. The reaction I got from the peanut gallery was less than inspiring as while I was facing something I personally consider to be deep, concerning, and painful others decided to make light of it. Others suggesting that it's not a big a deal as I make it out to be. That they easily dealt with their own personal demons. Heck, supposedly one of the requirements for 'giving in' to one's demons is to kill people so clearly I'm not suffering as much as I say I am. Another suggestion that I'm not really broken at all, that I have all these people who care for me and I'm being unfair to all of them by acting the way I do.
This all just goes back to people bailing out the ocean for a drowning person, and why feelings of anger occur towards the people trying to 'help.' That all their trashing at the water's surface just probably creates waves and turbulence that just ends up pushing me deeper under. Who has ever been able to pull this drowning person to the surface? No one. That's how many people actually understand me well enough to actually make a meaningful impact in an effort to help me. Hence my loneliness.
All this and I haven't even talked about what the inner demons are. What things that trouble me even more than all this stuff I've put forward.
What's my inner demon? That I'm actually very spiteful, and that spitefulness is given a lot of strength because I don't have a face or nose to care about when I do spite. I have a sadistic side to my personality, and not in the 'fun' way either. It's probably something I got from my father, something I didn't really understand when I was younger; how he would laugh at other people's misfortunes. How he saw the suffering of others as a joke or funny. I didn't understand it or like it, but as I grew older I began to understand some context of it. The more I see of the world, the more I end up relying on that part of my personality; because people are stupid, and more and more I start feeling that people deserve to suffer. The more I think people should be miserable, and the more I want to laugh at such fools and idiots. To make everyone a lowlife that deserve their lot and suffering in life. That's not who I am though, that's not someone I want to be either. Suffering isn't a choice, but rather a condition that is forced upon them due to whatever fate the world pushed on them. No one chooses to be abused or mistreated in life, and we were all children once. Even for those who have done the greatest of wrongs I still want to be able to forgive them, and I still want to be able to feel sorry for them; because they were given a most unfair life. I don't want to take sadistic joy out of the suffering of others, there's always been too much of it; still is. Yet that is a strong part of me, but it's only strong because everything else about me was stripped away years ago, it was the only thing left. Sometimes I think it's still the only thing left, because often times it's the only thing I that I can describe as something I feel "passionate" about, everything else feels dead, cold, dried up, and gone.
I asked myself recently "What is it that you want?" and I couldn't come up with any strong answers. Just faint echos of "I want to be happy, but I don't think I even remember what that's like." When my thoughts drifted to my art here on FA the only conviction I could come up with was "I'd rather draw than work at retail or fast food" rather than any actual passion for the content. It's not much, but I suppose it will have to do.
It will have to be enough.
Besides, I think I'm learning how to breathe the ocean I'm drowning in.
Jul 30: From The Other Side
General | Posted 12 years ago|█████|BODY
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I know how I feel.
Others do not.
I tire of the standards people push on me.
I try to explain myself.
People don't listen.
Pointless.
Meaningless.
Fruitless.
Goodbye.
Maybe.
|█████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
I know how I feel.
Others do not.
I tire of the standards people push on me.
I try to explain myself.
People don't listen.
Pointless.
Meaningless.
Fruitless.
Goodbye.
Maybe.
Jul 18: A Comparasion of my Wrists
General | Posted 12 years ago|█████|BODY
|█████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ Taking a couple of days off from streaming, both for my brain and hand to recover. Today I was testing the range of motion on my right hand and comparing to my left, and I discovered that they differ a fair margin. Keeping my right arm horizontal to the ground I can only bend my hand up about 80 degrees, my fingers bending another 5 degrees. My left hand on the other hand can go 90 degrees with my fingers bending another 10 degrees. I'm not sure what this particular means other than my right hand/arm is extremely stiff. As such been doing a small bit of stretching to see if I can actually improve on that.
█ I'm still doing on and off thinking about how I should go about the next comic idea I want to entertain. Maybe I should have some kinda poll as to how it should pan out. I don't know.
|█████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ Taking a couple of days off from streaming, both for my brain and hand to recover. Today I was testing the range of motion on my right hand and comparing to my left, and I discovered that they differ a fair margin. Keeping my right arm horizontal to the ground I can only bend my hand up about 80 degrees, my fingers bending another 5 degrees. My left hand on the other hand can go 90 degrees with my fingers bending another 10 degrees. I'm not sure what this particular means other than my right hand/arm is extremely stiff. As such been doing a small bit of stretching to see if I can actually improve on that.
█ I'm still doing on and off thinking about how I should go about the next comic idea I want to entertain. Maybe I should have some kinda poll as to how it should pan out. I don't know.
Jul 13: Brain Dumping - Stress & Ideas
General | Posted 12 years ago|█████|BODY
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█ I have a few things to talk about today, so I'll just be rattling off the stuff that comes to mind. Hand is still bothering me and slowing my drawing down, but can't do much about that. Such is life.
█ I've decidedly learned a lesson about doing a comic RPG and how to include people in them. This is based on a bit of reflection done on how the previous comic panned out: I won't roll for people into the comic as an ongoing process, it simply causes too much whining and complaining.
This is completely my fault. To explain it in detail, the ant comic's roster was determined at the start; so all the "Aww I didn't get in" was done and over with at the very start. The only kind of complaints I had to deal with was people not ending up in situations they really, really wanted (but it's a comic based on an RPG system, no one gets what they want unless the GM/DM is a push-over) Anyways, with this plant comic the whining has been an ongoing thing because every time a set of people are caught I roll in new people; and of course people who didn't get in whine and complain about it, or feel miserable. So yeah, I wont do that again. If I do another comic RPG I'm just going to roll a random number for everyone between like 1 and 1000 and they'll be ordered into a list I pick in order if I need the bodies. In any case doing the plant comic so far has been less enjoyable for me because of how participation was done and I regret doing it the way I did. I just needed to vent that particular bit out.
█ My next comic project... I figure I'll talk about that while I'm here. To begin with, I'm unsure if I will even go through with this plan due to... technicalities. Part of me thinks even journaling about it is a bad idea due to getting people's hopes up.
Though I know people are interested and curious, so on so forth; so here it is regardless. The premise of the comic is simply a sex toy preparation series, with a format similar to that of a "choose your own adventure" book. The start of the comic has one of three (or more possibly) beginnings. Which is the ordering of the sex toy itself: The person doing the ordering might end up being that toy, that person's friend might end up that toy, or some random person ends up being the toy but is remade to look like the person doing the ordering (or made to resemble a friend) Lots of options overall. The sequence would move from there to the end result so on so forth.
First off I know many of you will certainly love this idea, but the problem for me ultimately comes down to participation. Due to the nature of this idea only a few people would be involved for any one run through of it, maybe only even one depending. As noted in the blurb earlier on, picking people is an unfun process. It's something I just can't properly wrap my head around without a lot of stress involved.
A raffle system I still feel is the most fair way to conduct it, but again it's hard to enjoy working sometimes when there's so much envy and disappointment that revolves around the selection process.
█ Lefty is also getting semi decent at drawing. I would have uploaded the scribbles accomplished by it but I'm holding off on that until the comic is done. I simply want to maintain the submission order so people can just browse through the comic using "Newer / Older" without me having to set up the navigation thing.
█ PS: If you live in Florida and are reading this, you're breaking the law! Computers and Smartphones are illegal!
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ I have a few things to talk about today, so I'll just be rattling off the stuff that comes to mind. Hand is still bothering me and slowing my drawing down, but can't do much about that. Such is life.
█ I've decidedly learned a lesson about doing a comic RPG and how to include people in them. This is based on a bit of reflection done on how the previous comic panned out: I won't roll for people into the comic as an ongoing process, it simply causes too much whining and complaining.
This is completely my fault. To explain it in detail, the ant comic's roster was determined at the start; so all the "Aww I didn't get in" was done and over with at the very start. The only kind of complaints I had to deal with was people not ending up in situations they really, really wanted (but it's a comic based on an RPG system, no one gets what they want unless the GM/DM is a push-over) Anyways, with this plant comic the whining has been an ongoing thing because every time a set of people are caught I roll in new people; and of course people who didn't get in whine and complain about it, or feel miserable. So yeah, I wont do that again. If I do another comic RPG I'm just going to roll a random number for everyone between like 1 and 1000 and they'll be ordered into a list I pick in order if I need the bodies. In any case doing the plant comic so far has been less enjoyable for me because of how participation was done and I regret doing it the way I did. I just needed to vent that particular bit out.
█ My next comic project... I figure I'll talk about that while I'm here. To begin with, I'm unsure if I will even go through with this plan due to... technicalities. Part of me thinks even journaling about it is a bad idea due to getting people's hopes up.
Though I know people are interested and curious, so on so forth; so here it is regardless. The premise of the comic is simply a sex toy preparation series, with a format similar to that of a "choose your own adventure" book. The start of the comic has one of three (or more possibly) beginnings. Which is the ordering of the sex toy itself: The person doing the ordering might end up being that toy, that person's friend might end up that toy, or some random person ends up being the toy but is remade to look like the person doing the ordering (or made to resemble a friend) Lots of options overall. The sequence would move from there to the end result so on so forth.
First off I know many of you will certainly love this idea, but the problem for me ultimately comes down to participation. Due to the nature of this idea only a few people would be involved for any one run through of it, maybe only even one depending. As noted in the blurb earlier on, picking people is an unfun process. It's something I just can't properly wrap my head around without a lot of stress involved.
A raffle system I still feel is the most fair way to conduct it, but again it's hard to enjoy working sometimes when there's so much envy and disappointment that revolves around the selection process.
█ Lefty is also getting semi decent at drawing. I would have uploaded the scribbles accomplished by it but I'm holding off on that until the comic is done. I simply want to maintain the submission order so people can just browse through the comic using "Newer / Older" without me having to set up the navigation thing.
█ PS: If you live in Florida and are reading this, you're breaking the law! Computers and Smartphones are illegal!
Jul 11: A Sort of FAQ on the RPG Comic
General | Posted 12 years ago|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ First off hand is in so-so condition, so I might take today off from working on the comic. Which means if I stream it might be with via my left hand.
█ At any rate various questions have popped up during the course of the RPG comic and I'll try to recall them off the top of my head an answer them.
How do I join?
With all the things I do, you have to join via a journal entry. In the case of this comic it's closed to new entries. It was opened for 3 days and gathered 42 individuals. People are picked via a raffle system.
What's the dice being used?
The system I created uses six-sided dice (1d6). The dice are also rolled via random.org and that's streamed live while I draw the comic. Which means no the dice aren't rigged, there are many witnesses.
Will there be an explanation/bestiary?
I'll probably write or draw something up after wards. I don't actually have many details flushed out as I did with the previous comic set. I'm making up a lot of this stuff up on the fly.
█ If there's other questions I can try to answer them as well.
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ First off hand is in so-so condition, so I might take today off from working on the comic. Which means if I stream it might be with via my left hand.
█ At any rate various questions have popped up during the course of the RPG comic and I'll try to recall them off the top of my head an answer them.
How do I join?
With all the things I do, you have to join via a journal entry. In the case of this comic it's closed to new entries. It was opened for 3 days and gathered 42 individuals. People are picked via a raffle system.
What's the dice being used?
The system I created uses six-sided dice (1d6). The dice are also rolled via random.org and that's streamed live while I draw the comic. Which means no the dice aren't rigged, there are many witnesses.
Will there be an explanation/bestiary?
I'll probably write or draw something up after wards. I don't actually have many details flushed out as I did with the previous comic set. I'm making up a lot of this stuff up on the fly.
█ If there's other questions I can try to answer them as well.
Jun 29: Hand Troubles Re-Emerge!
General | Posted 12 years ago|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ I suppose it was to be expected after arting so much the past several days, but my hand/wrist thing has been acting up again. As such I'll probably take it a little bit easier with the drawing. Currently have it wrapped up with some bandages to give my wrist some support but still allow my fingers be able to move more or less normally.
So might take today off from arting as well potentially...
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ I suppose it was to be expected after arting so much the past several days, but my hand/wrist thing has been acting up again. As such I'll probably take it a little bit easier with the drawing. Currently have it wrapped up with some bandages to give my wrist some support but still allow my fingers be able to move more or less normally.
So might take today off from arting as well potentially...
Jun 26: Can Lizards Shout in Spaaaaaace?
General | Posted 12 years ago|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█
kyroraz with a bit of prodding is going to put together a sort of bondage-based comic. If you like what you see in his gallery (various rubber bondage situations) then you might be interested in his project.
█
goldblaze is looking for artists to produce a bondage-based magazine, you can probably poke him for more details.
█
MXL fun Endium + Shadowish Character http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10924727/
Sargotha Picture inspired by current comic theme http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10929462/
ElementalWolf Another plant inspired picture http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10932060/
thelonelydragon Tiemeth up to his antics again! http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10914995/
█ I probably should make journals of this nature more often... I'll see if I can remember to do so more.
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█
kyroraz with a bit of prodding is going to put together a sort of bondage-based comic. If you like what you see in his gallery (various rubber bondage situations) then you might be interested in his project.█
goldblaze is looking for artists to produce a bondage-based magazine, you can probably poke him for more details.█
MXL fun Endium + Shadowish Character http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10924727/
Sargotha Picture inspired by current comic theme http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10929462/
ElementalWolf Another plant inspired picture http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10932060/
thelonelydragon Tiemeth up to his antics again! http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10914995/█ I probably should make journals of this nature more often... I'll see if I can remember to do so more.
Jun 23: I Feed Them All The Things
General | Posted 12 years ago|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ I suppose this is a journal I've sorta had the inclination to write now and then, and tonight is as good a time as any I guess!
When I'm streaming I literally do not have any rules about how people should behave in the chat. Granted, this might seem like a crazy policy but people for the most part can regulate their own behavior. There's always going to be drama sooner or later, can't do anything about that; people are people.
The thing that goes with people being people is that people also like to provoke others. Some people would like such individuals to be banned on the spot, but nothing is learned and I do love teachable moments; but that's only because I like trolling trolls. Yes, that's something that's possible to do with some practice, and I've had a lot in my time.
First off it's true that ignoring a troll is the best way to deal with them, but it seldom works in real time chatting because there will always be someone who acknowledges the troll's existence. So clearly that's a no go. Personally I like to give trolls an experience they won't forget, to push the envelope as it were. I usually do this by being their friend, like it or not. I'll ask them how they are doing, if they are feeling okay, if they need to talk. I just continue to pry and poke and comfort, this generally disarms them completely because hey when one fishes for a response out of people, compassion and caring is usually the complete last thing on the list of things they expect. If this is the only kind of reaction they get from their attempts, then they tend to quit; and pretty quickly. Course this only works if everyone's reaction is thus, which sometimes it's not.
Interacting with trolls in the end is the only time I take my gloves off, and I enjoy it. My apologies to those who are irritated by the noise or the attention I direct at these people, it's a kind of hobby; a battle of the wits as it were. Course most often the other side is completely witless. I have no shame, and I'm not easily offended; so... trolls are tasty to me!
| █████|MIND
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█ I suppose this is a journal I've sorta had the inclination to write now and then, and tonight is as good a time as any I guess!
When I'm streaming I literally do not have any rules about how people should behave in the chat. Granted, this might seem like a crazy policy but people for the most part can regulate their own behavior. There's always going to be drama sooner or later, can't do anything about that; people are people.
The thing that goes with people being people is that people also like to provoke others. Some people would like such individuals to be banned on the spot, but nothing is learned and I do love teachable moments; but that's only because I like trolling trolls. Yes, that's something that's possible to do with some practice, and I've had a lot in my time.
First off it's true that ignoring a troll is the best way to deal with them, but it seldom works in real time chatting because there will always be someone who acknowledges the troll's existence. So clearly that's a no go. Personally I like to give trolls an experience they won't forget, to push the envelope as it were. I usually do this by being their friend, like it or not. I'll ask them how they are doing, if they are feeling okay, if they need to talk. I just continue to pry and poke and comfort, this generally disarms them completely because hey when one fishes for a response out of people, compassion and caring is usually the complete last thing on the list of things they expect. If this is the only kind of reaction they get from their attempts, then they tend to quit; and pretty quickly. Course this only works if everyone's reaction is thus, which sometimes it's not.
Interacting with trolls in the end is the only time I take my gloves off, and I enjoy it. My apologies to those who are irritated by the noise or the attention I direct at these people, it's a kind of hobby; a battle of the wits as it were. Course most often the other side is completely witless. I have no shame, and I'm not easily offended; so... trolls are tasty to me!
Jun 20: Flooding! Internets Unstable!
General | Posted 12 years ago|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ I'll probably try to stream today, but I can't say it will work out necessarily. My city is in a state of emergency bracing for flood waters, and the areas around the city have been flooded out knocking out power to outlying towns. This disruption is really likely affecting my internet connection.
I live in the hills far away from the river so there's like a 0% chance of me getting flooded out, so no danger there.
Suppose I shouldn't be too surprised, it's been raining on and off for about a week now.
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ I'll probably try to stream today, but I can't say it will work out necessarily. My city is in a state of emergency bracing for flood waters, and the areas around the city have been flooded out knocking out power to outlying towns. This disruption is really likely affecting my internet connection.
I live in the hills far away from the river so there's like a 0% chance of me getting flooded out, so no danger there.
Suppose I shouldn't be too surprised, it's been raining on and off for about a week now.
Jun 19: RPG Comic - Exploring Latex Plants (Closes June 22)
General | Posted 12 years ago|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ UPDATE: POTENTIAL ROSTER LIST AND NUMBER ASSIGNMENT
Current Team
otakuwolf
zenon
Rolls
June 22 - 29, 5, 32, 29 (lolz reroll), 7
June 25 (Two Scouts) - 42, 5 (already in), 24 (no R rated stuff), 8
July 3 (Three Retrieval) - 32 (already in), 17 (scout role drawn in), 25, 13, 21
July 8 (many repeat rolls) 36, 35.
New Number Set
July 10 (Three Retrieval) 2, 17, 1
July 12 (Three Retrieval) 9, 20, 12
July 13 (Three Retrieval) 14, 19, 15
July 25 (One Scout) 8
Potential Recruits
01 - Damien_Magic (R)
02 - Arcsol (Rs)
03 - Serandite (E)
04 - Roaming_Shadow (R)
05 - howling2themoon (Rs)
06 - ElementalWolf (R)
07 - SugiGuardian (R)
08 - xenolugia150 (E)
09 - pitchblack (R)
10 - Theory (Rs)
11 - icedrake20 (S)
12 - PHenic (R)
13 - corfide (E)
14 - apollophoenix (Rs)
15 - Serathin (R)
16 - Sanmer (E)
17 - Spikester (R)
18 - Flare (E)
19 - SlimeDragon1995 (E)
20 - SableGryphon (E)
21 - Steel-Phoenix (Rs)
22 - Nillson (R)
23 - Raithera (E)
24 - Dragon122 (S)
25 - Dark-Anthro (R)
26 - kyroraz (E)
27 - Casanova2 (R)
28 - procene (Rs)
Potential Recruits (old number set)
01 - Damien_Magic (R)
02 - Arcsol (Rs)
03 - Serandite (E)
04 - Roaming_Shadow (R)
05 - Alexandrite (E)
06 - howling2themoon (Rs)
07 - DrakeHavok (E)
08 - barados (Sr)
09 - ElementalWolf (R)
10 - SugiGuardian (R)
11 - xenolugia150 (E)
12 - pitchblack (R)
13 - Novasdrake (E)
14 - Theory (Rs)
15 - icedrake20 (S)
16 - PHenic (R)
17 - Tomcio1992 (S)
18 - corfide (E)
19 - apollophoenix (Rs)
20 - Serathin (R)
21 - frysco (R)
22 - Sanmer (E)
23 - Spikester (R)
24 - chaz-fox (E)
25 - zigzagziggy (E)
26 - Flare (E)
27 - SlimeDragon1995 (E)
28 - SableGryphon (E)
29 - Sanagi (R)
30 - Steel-Phoenix (Rs)
31 - Nillson (R)
32 - WinglessDragon (R)
33 - Raithera (E)
34 - Dragon122 (S)
35 - DragonNight-- (E)
36 - Raxmei - (E)
37 - Dark-Anthro (R)
38 - kyroraz (E)
39 - Talosar (Rs)
40 - Casanova2 (R)
41 - procene (Rs)
42 - Creeper1574 (E)
█ Okay I believe I'm ready to put together the next comic idea I had in mind. This comic will be put together in a somewhat similar fashion to how the Ant Comic was assembled.
First off there might be a couple of reserved slots, cause I'm someone who has biases and have various considerations. This means some individuals will be exempt from the system of picking people that will be described forward. I don't know who these people are in particular because I don't know if they'll be participating or not yet. So yeah, that's a disclaimer.
█ The overall premise of this particular comic is going to be about collecting samples of latex-based plant life for Enduring Technologies for study and the like. It's just plants so it'll be an easy task of course *cough*. Likely involves encasement of one sort or another.
█ If you're interested head to http://www.furaffinity.net/view/9756218/ and figure out what your character's stats will be. I'll need a link to what your character looks like as well.
Pick a role:
Retrieval Team (Main team that will be collecting samples)
or
Scouting Team (Already been caught by plants, won't have an active role aside from getting rescued)
or
Either is Fine
The price will be $20 to be commissioned into this comic. (Double if your character is out of the ordinary, but I also reserve the right to simply not consider weird characters) For more details go to http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10135111/
█ So what's going to happen? I'll be randomly picking people via a lotto system. So the first person who expresses interest will get the number 1, the second number 2, so on so forth; I'll be using a random number generator to pick the people.
I do not know how many people I'll be using in this comic so basically I'll be pulling them from the pool of interested commissioners as I write the comic on the go.
The price to 'play' as it were is $20 which means you can get caught pretty early in, or you can potentially get through the whole thing relatively unscathed. Either way the price remains $20. I leave it up to the individual commissioner if they want to pay me extra if their character makes it further (and therefore ends up being shown in more pages)
Once again, I do not accept payment until after the work is done; so don't try to give me money before the work is done!
█ Hopefully I didn't forget anything important...
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ UPDATE: POTENTIAL ROSTER LIST AND NUMBER ASSIGNMENT
Current Team
otakuwolf
zenon
Rolls
June 22 - 29, 5, 32, 29 (lolz reroll), 7
June 25 (Two Scouts) - 42, 5 (already in), 24 (no R rated stuff), 8
July 3 (Three Retrieval) - 32 (already in), 17 (scout role drawn in), 25, 13, 21
July 8 (many repeat rolls) 36, 35.
New Number Set
July 10 (Three Retrieval) 2, 17, 1
July 12 (Three Retrieval) 9, 20, 12
July 13 (Three Retrieval) 14, 19, 15
July 25 (One Scout) 8
Potential Recruits
01 - Damien_Magic (R)
02 - Arcsol (Rs)
03 - Serandite (E)
04 - Roaming_Shadow (R)
05 - howling2themoon (Rs)
06 - ElementalWolf (R)
07 - SugiGuardian (R)
08 - xenolugia150 (E)
09 - pitchblack (R)
10 - Theory (Rs)
11 - icedrake20 (S)
12 - PHenic (R)
13 - corfide (E)
14 - apollophoenix (Rs)
15 - Serathin (R)
16 - Sanmer (E)
17 - Spikester (R)
18 - Flare (E)
19 - SlimeDragon1995 (E)
20 - SableGryphon (E)
21 - Steel-Phoenix (Rs)
22 - Nillson (R)
23 - Raithera (E)
24 - Dragon122 (S)
25 - Dark-Anthro (R)
26 - kyroraz (E)
27 - Casanova2 (R)
28 - procene (Rs)
Potential Recruits (old number set)
01 - Damien_Magic (R)
02 - Arcsol (Rs)
03 - Serandite (E)
04 - Roaming_Shadow (R)
05 - Alexandrite (E)
06 - howling2themoon (Rs)
07 - DrakeHavok (E)
08 - barados (Sr)
09 - ElementalWolf (R)
10 - SugiGuardian (R)
11 - xenolugia150 (E)
12 - pitchblack (R)
13 - Novasdrake (E)
14 - Theory (Rs)
15 - icedrake20 (S)
16 - PHenic (R)
17 - Tomcio1992 (S)
18 - corfide (E)
19 - apollophoenix (Rs)
20 - Serathin (R)
21 - frysco (R)
22 - Sanmer (E)
23 - Spikester (R)
24 - chaz-fox (E)
25 - zigzagziggy (E)
26 - Flare (E)
27 - SlimeDragon1995 (E)
28 - SableGryphon (E)
29 - Sanagi (R)
30 - Steel-Phoenix (Rs)
31 - Nillson (R)
32 - WinglessDragon (R)
33 - Raithera (E)
34 - Dragon122 (S)
35 - DragonNight-- (E)
36 - Raxmei - (E)
37 - Dark-Anthro (R)
38 - kyroraz (E)
39 - Talosar (Rs)
40 - Casanova2 (R)
41 - procene (Rs)
42 - Creeper1574 (E)
█ Okay I believe I'm ready to put together the next comic idea I had in mind. This comic will be put together in a somewhat similar fashion to how the Ant Comic was assembled.
First off there might be a couple of reserved slots, cause I'm someone who has biases and have various considerations. This means some individuals will be exempt from the system of picking people that will be described forward. I don't know who these people are in particular because I don't know if they'll be participating or not yet. So yeah, that's a disclaimer.
█ The overall premise of this particular comic is going to be about collecting samples of latex-based plant life for Enduring Technologies for study and the like. It's just plants so it'll be an easy task of course *cough*. Likely involves encasement of one sort or another.
█ If you're interested head to http://www.furaffinity.net/view/9756218/ and figure out what your character's stats will be. I'll need a link to what your character looks like as well.
Pick a role:
Retrieval Team (Main team that will be collecting samples)
or
Scouting Team (Already been caught by plants, won't have an active role aside from getting rescued)
or
Either is Fine
The price will be $20 to be commissioned into this comic. (Double if your character is out of the ordinary, but I also reserve the right to simply not consider weird characters) For more details go to http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10135111/
█ So what's going to happen? I'll be randomly picking people via a lotto system. So the first person who expresses interest will get the number 1, the second number 2, so on so forth; I'll be using a random number generator to pick the people.
I do not know how many people I'll be using in this comic so basically I'll be pulling them from the pool of interested commissioners as I write the comic on the go.
The price to 'play' as it were is $20 which means you can get caught pretty early in, or you can potentially get through the whole thing relatively unscathed. Either way the price remains $20. I leave it up to the individual commissioner if they want to pay me extra if their character makes it further (and therefore ends up being shown in more pages)
Once again, I do not accept payment until after the work is done; so don't try to give me money before the work is done!
█ Hopefully I didn't forget anything important...
Jun 18: Silly Things
General | Posted 12 years ago|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ Recent animation I did is an indication and testament to that I don't take myself too seriously (if at all!) It was something I wanted to put together for a little while, and I figured it would be something that would be relatively easy to put together. The animation did take a bit longer than I anticipated, I figured it was something I could put out in a day but of course ended up closer to three days instead. Not sure when I'll animate something silly again.
█ Though speaking of animation, I'll probably be doing more adult themed ones in the near future. Not sure how I'll go about it, it might even end up being a "YCH" here kinda deal; though I doubt I'll be doing anything auction based. I'm kinda leaning towards a YCH here sort of deal because I have some more specific kind of scenarios/animations I want to do and figured it would be best to go that route as to what people might be interested in as opposed to me shooting in the dark.
I'll probably still be putting together another comic as well, but I'm still not completely sure how I want to move forward with that. The last one took a great deal of effort and I'm still undecided if I want to make it shorter and simpler or keep it around the same scale and more extensive. Both have their pros and cons for myself personally, so it's hard for me to decide.
Course that sorta answers the 'commission' question I suppose. In the end I'm not sure how often I want to do 'plain' commissions, I have a few other ideas I'll have to experiment with. At any rate I'll see what tomorrow brings.
█ In miscellaneous things, I'm still sick but I might be getting passed it now. Maybe. Odds are I was probably more depressed than physically ill, my threeish month absence fits in with the 3 month low cycles; which have been easier to notice due to how I've been keep track of these journals. (Since my low production period was around Mar/Apr)
Random thought: It would have been hilarious at E3 if Megaman ended up in Super Long Fighter Station Play Battle Supreme Royal Majesty instead of Smash Bros. At the same time a little surprised they didn't pick up Megaman before Nintendo could. Course at the same time Capcom seems to be doing their best to run Megaman into the ground these days.
As to the console wars in general, I'm not invested in it since I game on the PC. The only winner I feel is Nintendo though, for being the focal point of Smash Bros related memes spreading on the Internet. Course the instructional video on how to trade games was of course hilarious.
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ Recent animation I did is an indication and testament to that I don't take myself too seriously (if at all!) It was something I wanted to put together for a little while, and I figured it would be something that would be relatively easy to put together. The animation did take a bit longer than I anticipated, I figured it was something I could put out in a day but of course ended up closer to three days instead. Not sure when I'll animate something silly again.
█ Though speaking of animation, I'll probably be doing more adult themed ones in the near future. Not sure how I'll go about it, it might even end up being a "YCH" here kinda deal; though I doubt I'll be doing anything auction based. I'm kinda leaning towards a YCH here sort of deal because I have some more specific kind of scenarios/animations I want to do and figured it would be best to go that route as to what people might be interested in as opposed to me shooting in the dark.
I'll probably still be putting together another comic as well, but I'm still not completely sure how I want to move forward with that. The last one took a great deal of effort and I'm still undecided if I want to make it shorter and simpler or keep it around the same scale and more extensive. Both have their pros and cons for myself personally, so it's hard for me to decide.
Course that sorta answers the 'commission' question I suppose. In the end I'm not sure how often I want to do 'plain' commissions, I have a few other ideas I'll have to experiment with. At any rate I'll see what tomorrow brings.
█ In miscellaneous things, I'm still sick but I might be getting passed it now. Maybe. Odds are I was probably more depressed than physically ill, my threeish month absence fits in with the 3 month low cycles; which have been easier to notice due to how I've been keep track of these journals. (Since my low production period was around Mar/Apr)
Random thought: It would have been hilarious at E3 if Megaman ended up in Super Long Fighter Station Play Battle Supreme Royal Majesty instead of Smash Bros. At the same time a little surprised they didn't pick up Megaman before Nintendo could. Course at the same time Capcom seems to be doing their best to run Megaman into the ground these days.
As to the console wars in general, I'm not invested in it since I game on the PC. The only winner I feel is Nintendo though, for being the focal point of Smash Bros related memes spreading on the Internet. Course the instructional video on how to trade games was of course hilarious.
Jun 06: Negative Tests
General | Posted 12 years ago|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ X-rays and blood work have come up with negative everything in regards to the infection of my tonsils (I wasn't surprised) Though because they've been infected for around three months now odds are I'm going to be looking at surgery to remove them. That certainly won't be fun, but it's either going to be that or be stuck with a semi-sore throat/cough for who knows how long. Of course if my tonsils somehow become uninfected before surgery or whatever I can walk out of it of course, but again it's been months so the likelihood of that is somewhat nil.
█ Will be doing a bit of storyboarding/writing so I can put my ideas into a bit of focus so I can get some art done, depending on how that goes I might be back to drawing in a few days but no promises. I mean after all no matter how many times I tell myself "Be happy and motivated" it doesn't pan out into reality. When it comes to attitude transplants the best I can do is create a mask of said attitude instead.
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ X-rays and blood work have come up with negative everything in regards to the infection of my tonsils (I wasn't surprised) Though because they've been infected for around three months now odds are I'm going to be looking at surgery to remove them. That certainly won't be fun, but it's either going to be that or be stuck with a semi-sore throat/cough for who knows how long. Of course if my tonsils somehow become uninfected before surgery or whatever I can walk out of it of course, but again it's been months so the likelihood of that is somewhat nil.
█ Will be doing a bit of storyboarding/writing so I can put my ideas into a bit of focus so I can get some art done, depending on how that goes I might be back to drawing in a few days but no promises. I mean after all no matter how many times I tell myself "Be happy and motivated" it doesn't pan out into reality. When it comes to attitude transplants the best I can do is create a mask of said attitude instead.
May 31: My Fish Isn't Missing: It's Dead
General | Posted 12 years ago|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ My apologies for not being around. Some people might get the title of this journal which is taken from http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.c.....-part-two.html
Though before I get to that particular fun topic, my actual physical health:
I'm still sick. After being on two different types of prescribed antibiotics my tonsils still remain infected. I'm going to be getting an x-ray and blood testing at some point to try and pinpoint exactly what's happening. I don't actually feel sick mind you, physically anyways, it's just that I have a persistent annoying cough for well like three months now. Will see if there's an actual remedy, aside from removing my tonsils; I think I want to avoid that.
█ Anyways, back to the fish. If you went through the link I'll explain the main difference between my experience and what was put there: I'm a better actor. Most people don't have the slightest inkling that I have depression, and really this is true for a lot of depressed people. The reason that is probably because of people who continue to try and 'find' the 'missing fish.' It's easier for a depressed person to go looking for the missing fish when they know that the fish are actually dead. That it's easier to go "Hey I found the fish, thanks for the help" then be happy and smiling, than to continue to explain that the fish aren't missing, they're dead. There's a large disconnect in the level of understanding of what is reality for the person with depression and it takes a large amount of effort to explain the situation, and depressed people don't want to spend that much effort because it's simply frustrating.
Frustration is a common theme for depression, at least my depression. The lack of motivation, the inability to express or communicate the experience in a way that other people can comprehend. The guilt associated with people spending so much effort in 'finding your lost fish' when the problem is that the fish are dead. It's here a person who has no understanding of the metaphor goes 'why don't you get new fish?' which is pretty much saying 'why don't you get new emotions?' So yeah, frustrating.
I know people have spent time and effort in trying to 'find my fish' and I do end up feeling bad because I wasn't able to cheer up. It's a kind of a vicious feedback loop of depression, and I feel the need to apologize to these people for being unable to help.
█ Something else that I've somewhat realized recently is that being depressed is to be displaced from other people's sense of reality. "Normal" people, or I assume they are, seem unnaturally optimistic from my perspective; and perhaps at the same time naive. Ignorance is bliss and all that. The people in FA did give me some kind of sense of belonging and normalcy, but outside of the community it's still something that is displaced from other people's sense of reality. Or in other words it's not exactly something that's socially embraced with open arms on a whole. That in the eyes of society on a whole no matter where I decide to be I am an outcast. Now I tell myself that I don't think that's something that's particular important, but I think that might simply be a lie I'm telling myself. It might be this kind of reasoning is why some artists simply vanish without a trace, it seems to work out logically because they made a choice to want to be accepted as the larger part of society on a whole. I can see how that might be more stabilizing and more meaningful to a person on a whole, cause I have those thoughts myself now and then. As for myself I'm quite stuck in the middle of both sides of this fence. I think in a different world were sexuality was something that was more openly embraced I might be a more sane and actually happy, but that's not the world we live in. It's a subject that's often suppressed and oppressed, so as a reflection of that reality I often feel the exact same way.
Another semi-revelation I had was that while I found a place where I could be comfortable here on FA, it was at the same time not. I really only have myself to blame for this though. To elaborate I think I would be a lot happier with myself if I wasn't an artist, and I was simply one of white noise of the community on a whole, because then a sense of belonging would be the only thing I would have to deal with. Course the problem is that I'm an artist, and that invites scrutiny, criticism, and judgement in general that other people don't have to deal with. I kinda think I deal with those things fairly well, but emotionally I don't think I'm well equipped to deal with such things for all that long. This isn't to mention the feeling of expectations that I try to live up to, and the possible disappointments that I end up being the cause of. I accept that I can't make everyone happy, doesn't make it any easier of a reality to live with.
█ I'm not particular sure what I'm going to be doing moving forward. There are many things I want to do, but at the same time don't. I think my life is like being a racecar which doesn't understand the concept of gas. If I knew what the fuel for my inspiration and motivation was I'd purse it to the ends of the earth, but it's just something that just appears for me; seemingly without purpose or meaning. When it comes I can put together things that amaze myself, that when I look back at later I go "I did that? How did I do that?" as if someone else had put that together, and maybe someone else did. Schizophrenia. I think that someone else was maybe who I used to be, that person who was full of life and energy who constantly goes into hiding because whenever he's out at the wrong time indescribable pain and emptiness is inflicted.
I had the thought earlier that if I was to ever write a book on my depression and other observations on life I'd probably call it "In the Company of Emptiness"
█ I also have my gallery mirrored on https://www.weasyl.com/profile/endium mostly
inaki's doing because there was no way I was going to upload everything myself manually.
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ My apologies for not being around. Some people might get the title of this journal which is taken from http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.c.....-part-two.html
Though before I get to that particular fun topic, my actual physical health:
I'm still sick. After being on two different types of prescribed antibiotics my tonsils still remain infected. I'm going to be getting an x-ray and blood testing at some point to try and pinpoint exactly what's happening. I don't actually feel sick mind you, physically anyways, it's just that I have a persistent annoying cough for well like three months now. Will see if there's an actual remedy, aside from removing my tonsils; I think I want to avoid that.
█ Anyways, back to the fish. If you went through the link I'll explain the main difference between my experience and what was put there: I'm a better actor. Most people don't have the slightest inkling that I have depression, and really this is true for a lot of depressed people. The reason that is probably because of people who continue to try and 'find' the 'missing fish.' It's easier for a depressed person to go looking for the missing fish when they know that the fish are actually dead. That it's easier to go "Hey I found the fish, thanks for the help" then be happy and smiling, than to continue to explain that the fish aren't missing, they're dead. There's a large disconnect in the level of understanding of what is reality for the person with depression and it takes a large amount of effort to explain the situation, and depressed people don't want to spend that much effort because it's simply frustrating.
Frustration is a common theme for depression, at least my depression. The lack of motivation, the inability to express or communicate the experience in a way that other people can comprehend. The guilt associated with people spending so much effort in 'finding your lost fish' when the problem is that the fish are dead. It's here a person who has no understanding of the metaphor goes 'why don't you get new fish?' which is pretty much saying 'why don't you get new emotions?' So yeah, frustrating.
I know people have spent time and effort in trying to 'find my fish' and I do end up feeling bad because I wasn't able to cheer up. It's a kind of a vicious feedback loop of depression, and I feel the need to apologize to these people for being unable to help.
█ Something else that I've somewhat realized recently is that being depressed is to be displaced from other people's sense of reality. "Normal" people, or I assume they are, seem unnaturally optimistic from my perspective; and perhaps at the same time naive. Ignorance is bliss and all that. The people in FA did give me some kind of sense of belonging and normalcy, but outside of the community it's still something that is displaced from other people's sense of reality. Or in other words it's not exactly something that's socially embraced with open arms on a whole. That in the eyes of society on a whole no matter where I decide to be I am an outcast. Now I tell myself that I don't think that's something that's particular important, but I think that might simply be a lie I'm telling myself. It might be this kind of reasoning is why some artists simply vanish without a trace, it seems to work out logically because they made a choice to want to be accepted as the larger part of society on a whole. I can see how that might be more stabilizing and more meaningful to a person on a whole, cause I have those thoughts myself now and then. As for myself I'm quite stuck in the middle of both sides of this fence. I think in a different world were sexuality was something that was more openly embraced I might be a more sane and actually happy, but that's not the world we live in. It's a subject that's often suppressed and oppressed, so as a reflection of that reality I often feel the exact same way.
Another semi-revelation I had was that while I found a place where I could be comfortable here on FA, it was at the same time not. I really only have myself to blame for this though. To elaborate I think I would be a lot happier with myself if I wasn't an artist, and I was simply one of white noise of the community on a whole, because then a sense of belonging would be the only thing I would have to deal with. Course the problem is that I'm an artist, and that invites scrutiny, criticism, and judgement in general that other people don't have to deal with. I kinda think I deal with those things fairly well, but emotionally I don't think I'm well equipped to deal with such things for all that long. This isn't to mention the feeling of expectations that I try to live up to, and the possible disappointments that I end up being the cause of. I accept that I can't make everyone happy, doesn't make it any easier of a reality to live with.
█ I'm not particular sure what I'm going to be doing moving forward. There are many things I want to do, but at the same time don't. I think my life is like being a racecar which doesn't understand the concept of gas. If I knew what the fuel for my inspiration and motivation was I'd purse it to the ends of the earth, but it's just something that just appears for me; seemingly without purpose or meaning. When it comes I can put together things that amaze myself, that when I look back at later I go "I did that? How did I do that?" as if someone else had put that together, and maybe someone else did. Schizophrenia. I think that someone else was maybe who I used to be, that person who was full of life and energy who constantly goes into hiding because whenever he's out at the wrong time indescribable pain and emptiness is inflicted.
I had the thought earlier that if I was to ever write a book on my depression and other observations on life I'd probably call it "In the Company of Emptiness"
█ I also have my gallery mirrored on https://www.weasyl.com/profile/endium mostly
inaki's doing because there was no way I was going to upload everything myself manually.Apr 04: Probably Was Strep Throat
General | Posted 12 years ago|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ That or tonsillitis. Random pointless bit of information, but one of my tonsils has been permanently enlarged since I was a kid from being sick earlier in life. There's an actual word for it that currently escapes me. At any rate it might be what's making this bout of sickness last longer. I doubt I'd have them removed unless this sore throat thing persists for a lot longer, I'll probably be recovered in a few more days (but I'm bad at estimating my own speed of recovery).
█ I do need to get back into the whole art groove again, it's much easier to fall out of it than to get back into it. Which ends up being a question of refocusing, though sometimes questionable as to what I end up focusing on.
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ That or tonsillitis. Random pointless bit of information, but one of my tonsils has been permanently enlarged since I was a kid from being sick earlier in life. There's an actual word for it that currently escapes me. At any rate it might be what's making this bout of sickness last longer. I doubt I'd have them removed unless this sore throat thing persists for a lot longer, I'll probably be recovered in a few more days (but I'm bad at estimating my own speed of recovery).
█ I do need to get back into the whole art groove again, it's much easier to fall out of it than to get back into it. Which ends up being a question of refocusing, though sometimes questionable as to what I end up focusing on.
Mar 27: Mucus... Everywhere...
General | Posted 12 years ago|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ I think I'm over the worst of whatever it was I caught. It has been one unpleasant week to say the least. Last journal post I mentioned how I couldn't sleep due to the jabbing pain involved with swallowing, well that graduated to being unable to sleep due to constant coughing. Needless to say my brain has been in a constant state of sleep deprived haze. Various medications to try and make some of these symptoms more manageable turned out to be largely useless. I'm just relieved that I'm no longer coughing to the point where it feels like my internal organs want to experience life on the outside.
This has also been one of the most mucus filled colds I've ever had. The amount of the stuff I'd cough up after waking up alongside clearing out my sinuses has been record breaking for me. More over upon waking up my eyelids ended up being crusted over with extra sticky mucus as well, that was a new experience for me and not exactly a pleasant one. Add to that the pressure in my sinuses are causing my teeth to ache.
█ On the assumption I feel better tomorrow I'll open up some commission slots tomorrow and get back to work. I'll probably be taking it slow for a bit.
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ I think I'm over the worst of whatever it was I caught. It has been one unpleasant week to say the least. Last journal post I mentioned how I couldn't sleep due to the jabbing pain involved with swallowing, well that graduated to being unable to sleep due to constant coughing. Needless to say my brain has been in a constant state of sleep deprived haze. Various medications to try and make some of these symptoms more manageable turned out to be largely useless. I'm just relieved that I'm no longer coughing to the point where it feels like my internal organs want to experience life on the outside.
This has also been one of the most mucus filled colds I've ever had. The amount of the stuff I'd cough up after waking up alongside clearing out my sinuses has been record breaking for me. More over upon waking up my eyelids ended up being crusted over with extra sticky mucus as well, that was a new experience for me and not exactly a pleasant one. Add to that the pressure in my sinuses are causing my teeth to ache.
█ On the assumption I feel better tomorrow I'll open up some commission slots tomorrow and get back to work. I'll probably be taking it slow for a bit.
Mar 20: Sick and Can't Sleep
General | Posted 13 years ago|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ Ended up catching whatever was floating around the household, and now I'm sick with the whole 'hurts to swallow' thing. Makes sleeping next to impossible since every minute or so I swallow and get a nice dose of pain to wake me back up. Guess I'll be forcing myself awake until I'm at the point of passing out in mere moments, then I'll try to get back to sleep. When I get better I'll probably open up commissions. I wanted to do so sooner, but yeah; got sick.
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ Ended up catching whatever was floating around the household, and now I'm sick with the whole 'hurts to swallow' thing. Makes sleeping next to impossible since every minute or so I swallow and get a nice dose of pain to wake me back up. Guess I'll be forcing myself awake until I'm at the point of passing out in mere moments, then I'll try to get back to sleep. When I get better I'll probably open up commissions. I wanted to do so sooner, but yeah; got sick.
Mar 13: Getting Back to Work (In Theory)
General | Posted 13 years ago|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ What can I say, I needed a bit of a break, and I might still need it. Inspiration is still a bit on the low side, but still playing around with a few ideas in my head here and there. I hope to be doing art related stuff again by the end of this week, if not sooner. Still unsure of what I'll be doing due to the lack of inspiration/drive. Though hopefully I'll be able to avoid future burn outs due to work overloads, but just something I do to myself since I prefer to do my best; even if it's something I could avoid if that was ever my choice.
I need to be more aware of my limits I think, and I need to draw firmer lines in the sand that I should be more hesitant to cross. Though I'm not really speaking of ideas so much as work-load. That said, I need to draw up some images to basically create a new visual guide for what my 'limits' are and what I expect of people when presenting me with their ideas.
█ Though what else is on my mind at this point. Not a whole lot honestly. I suppose SC2 Heart of the Swarm did release recently, and it's a purchase I didn't do. I consider myself an ex-Blizzard fan at this point and have very little intention of forking my money over to them. I did on the other hand watch a "Let's Play" of the whole game, so I got to see what they did with the plot and story. I'm not going to spoil anything, but my general thoughts on that was the cinematics were great as per usual. The story and dialogue? Eh, it's all rather predictable. I had the general feeling that Kerrigan was going to be all emo for this game (as in emotional, self identity issues, so on so forth) and it wasn't quite as bad as I imagined it would have been, but it still was the theme. I guess that it wasn't as bad as I imagined was because Kerrigan was given basically zero choice and time in the matter to give the whole emotional conflict any weight. The lack of build-up makes the few melodramatic moments in the game extremely hollow. I'm not exactly sure I agree with the presentation and direction they took the Zerg in either, but I guess their intention was to make people sympathetic to the Zerg; though I'm not sure they did a particularly good job of it.
Let's see... any other random thoughts in my head...
Using mods to create your own ships in "Faster Than Light" is fun. I created a ship that starts with three attack drones so you can win fights passively, a "Swiss Army Knife" ship that can provide many 'blue options' at the start, and of course the obligatory weapon pre-ignighter ship armed with weapons that can obliterate enemy ships in a single salvo.
Currently spending too much time playing SWTOR, but hey it's free and I'll probably be cutting back on that as I get back into 'work mode'.
Family is also currently sick, I'm not sure how I've avoided catching whatever they've had so far, but I might get it in the coming days who knows. Or maybe I got it but my immune system is just so awesome I didn't feel or notice it.
I also learned that bread is one of the saltest things you can possibly eat. As in 2 slices of bread is a third of the recommended daily intake of salt. That means some sandwiches probably contain more salt than a bag of chips.
Simcity, why must you fail so? I would have loved to buy Simcity 5 and play it, but I knew with DRM that it was going to spontaneously combust and it did not disappoint. What's even more damning? That apparently you can pull the plug on your internet connection and it will run fine for 15-20 minutes until the game decides "Oh hey you're not connected to the internet, I'll stop working now." The area you can build in is so horribly small as well.
I'm tired, and I should do that... sleeping thing.
█ Throwing a bump out to goldblaze who is taking commissions.
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ What can I say, I needed a bit of a break, and I might still need it. Inspiration is still a bit on the low side, but still playing around with a few ideas in my head here and there. I hope to be doing art related stuff again by the end of this week, if not sooner. Still unsure of what I'll be doing due to the lack of inspiration/drive. Though hopefully I'll be able to avoid future burn outs due to work overloads, but just something I do to myself since I prefer to do my best; even if it's something I could avoid if that was ever my choice.
I need to be more aware of my limits I think, and I need to draw firmer lines in the sand that I should be more hesitant to cross. Though I'm not really speaking of ideas so much as work-load. That said, I need to draw up some images to basically create a new visual guide for what my 'limits' are and what I expect of people when presenting me with their ideas.
█ Though what else is on my mind at this point. Not a whole lot honestly. I suppose SC2 Heart of the Swarm did release recently, and it's a purchase I didn't do. I consider myself an ex-Blizzard fan at this point and have very little intention of forking my money over to them. I did on the other hand watch a "Let's Play" of the whole game, so I got to see what they did with the plot and story. I'm not going to spoil anything, but my general thoughts on that was the cinematics were great as per usual. The story and dialogue? Eh, it's all rather predictable. I had the general feeling that Kerrigan was going to be all emo for this game (as in emotional, self identity issues, so on so forth) and it wasn't quite as bad as I imagined it would have been, but it still was the theme. I guess that it wasn't as bad as I imagined was because Kerrigan was given basically zero choice and time in the matter to give the whole emotional conflict any weight. The lack of build-up makes the few melodramatic moments in the game extremely hollow. I'm not exactly sure I agree with the presentation and direction they took the Zerg in either, but I guess their intention was to make people sympathetic to the Zerg; though I'm not sure they did a particularly good job of it.
Let's see... any other random thoughts in my head...
Using mods to create your own ships in "Faster Than Light" is fun. I created a ship that starts with three attack drones so you can win fights passively, a "Swiss Army Knife" ship that can provide many 'blue options' at the start, and of course the obligatory weapon pre-ignighter ship armed with weapons that can obliterate enemy ships in a single salvo.
Currently spending too much time playing SWTOR, but hey it's free and I'll probably be cutting back on that as I get back into 'work mode'.
Family is also currently sick, I'm not sure how I've avoided catching whatever they've had so far, but I might get it in the coming days who knows. Or maybe I got it but my immune system is just so awesome I didn't feel or notice it.
I also learned that bread is one of the saltest things you can possibly eat. As in 2 slices of bread is a third of the recommended daily intake of salt. That means some sandwiches probably contain more salt than a bag of chips.
Simcity, why must you fail so? I would have loved to buy Simcity 5 and play it, but I knew with DRM that it was going to spontaneously combust and it did not disappoint. What's even more damning? That apparently you can pull the plug on your internet connection and it will run fine for 15-20 minutes until the game decides "Oh hey you're not connected to the internet, I'll stop working now." The area you can build in is so horribly small as well.
I'm tired, and I should do that... sleeping thing.
█ Throwing a bump out to
goldblaze who is taking commissions.Feb 22: FA's Drama Llama & Current Status
General | Posted 13 years ago|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ Drama, it's something that finds you sooner or later. The only thing that truly applies is "Well, that escalated quickly." It's quite amazing how quickly people react emotionally with only tiny amounts of detail and context. I'll spare you the details of what happened (it's not that hard to find currently anyways), it's unimportant to me, and odds are it's probably unimportant to you.
I think it's best summed up with: Should the police be involved? If the answer is yes, then call the police, not the FA admins. If the answer is no, use the block feature and try to contact the admins.
Or more clearly: Criminal behavior needs to be dealt with by the police.
█ Past week has been grating on my psyche, actually the whole month in general is. Mostly due to things outside of my personal control, and due to things I end up being involved in that I don't really want to be; but have to anyways. I believe it's also known as "Life: It sucks."
There's a part of me that wants to throw out the current list of commissions and start again, and there's another part going "you're almost there, you can do it!" Though the part of me that wants to get things done and doing my best not to disappoint is stronger currently. Though the consequence of is that my personal project days turn into "recover your sanity" days. I've been on FA for like 5 years or something like that and I'm still continually learning things about myself when it comes to my own limits and abilities. Mostly because this time around I'm doing my best to keep at the commissions as I would like a job, but that's the big caveat: With jobs I never really cared about the final result, I would just go through the motions and get the bare minimum required done; with my art I want to give it my all, or almost my all; and that gets real draining on the psyche with the amount of commissions I go through on a weekly basis. It's hard for me to put effort into something, but not all of it; it's hard for me to leave things on the table and move on to the next thing, yet that is something I need to get a handle on.
I'll get a 'redo' on how I handle my commissions either way once I done with the current single and sequence sets. I have a fair idea of how I want to move forward that will be more sustainable on my end. It also just occurred to me now that I've been doing commissions for almost three months now. Time sure flies.
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ Drama, it's something that finds you sooner or later. The only thing that truly applies is "Well, that escalated quickly." It's quite amazing how quickly people react emotionally with only tiny amounts of detail and context. I'll spare you the details of what happened (it's not that hard to find currently anyways), it's unimportant to me, and odds are it's probably unimportant to you.
I think it's best summed up with: Should the police be involved? If the answer is yes, then call the police, not the FA admins. If the answer is no, use the block feature and try to contact the admins.
Or more clearly: Criminal behavior needs to be dealt with by the police.
█ Past week has been grating on my psyche, actually the whole month in general is. Mostly due to things outside of my personal control, and due to things I end up being involved in that I don't really want to be; but have to anyways. I believe it's also known as "Life: It sucks."
There's a part of me that wants to throw out the current list of commissions and start again, and there's another part going "you're almost there, you can do it!" Though the part of me that wants to get things done and doing my best not to disappoint is stronger currently. Though the consequence of is that my personal project days turn into "recover your sanity" days. I've been on FA for like 5 years or something like that and I'm still continually learning things about myself when it comes to my own limits and abilities. Mostly because this time around I'm doing my best to keep at the commissions as I would like a job, but that's the big caveat: With jobs I never really cared about the final result, I would just go through the motions and get the bare minimum required done; with my art I want to give it my all, or almost my all; and that gets real draining on the psyche with the amount of commissions I go through on a weekly basis. It's hard for me to put effort into something, but not all of it; it's hard for me to leave things on the table and move on to the next thing, yet that is something I need to get a handle on.
I'll get a 'redo' on how I handle my commissions either way once I done with the current single and sequence sets. I have a fair idea of how I want to move forward that will be more sustainable on my end. It also just occurred to me now that I've been doing commissions for almost three months now. Time sure flies.
Feb 12: Future Plans & My TMI DIY Cosmetic Surgery Tale
General | Posted 13 years ago|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ I'm busy, busy, busy, buuuuusy. In my line of work that's a good thing I guess. I honestly do enjoy what is now my job of drawing art, and it's a healthy level of stress (for the most part) but it's getting a bit towards the unhealthy levels. I'm doing my best to manage it, and this is still mostly trial and error, learning as I go and all that.
First off, there's no way I'm going to be able to get all the S.A.D. commissions done before the 14-15th. I'll try to get most of them done, but advance apologies to those I can't get done in time for these arbitrary dates with or without meaning to people.
I believe I'm getting a better handle at how I want to take commissions and how I want to go forward with them. Mostly in that I can probably get around 14 "single" commissions done a week, which means when I open up single commissions I'll probably open them on a weekly or a bi-weekly basis with 14-28 'slots' to be taken up.
When it comes to sequences/comics, I'm probably going to have to create a guide for people to help setup scenarios and make the process a bit more streamlined. I can do about four 'pages' a week, so I'd probably create a sequence commission journal around the same format as singles with 4-8 slots to be taken up on a weekly/bi-weekly basis. I'll probably charge more for the sequences and let people decide if they want a sequence done over a longer timer period via doing single commissions over the course of a month or two, or get the sequence done quickly but pay a bit more and have it done in a day or within a week. It's mostly about the numbers, because people who want sequences and comics end up taking more of my time; which means I don't get to serve as many customers. I do enjoy the sequence work, but I'd rather be more of an accessible artist overall.
█ I'm also contemplating trying to host a "comic RPG" in a more faster flowing fashion, in that I wouldn't put too much time in cleaning up the comic as much as I would maybe try to do a black and white (or flat colored) event; but would try to get through the events in a single 8 hour sitting. In my head it sounds interesting, but I don't know how well it would end up being executed. This is something still percolating in my head, and something I won't try until I'm done the current sequence work and the rest of the S.A.D. commissions. I don't know if I'll charge anything for it since it'll be something I'll do for fun on a 'personal' day, in theory.
█ Still feeling good overall, so art from me should be a regular occurrence. I also feel like I should probably swap themes every week or bi-weekly certainly; it gets a bit tough to keep the same theme interesting for longer than that considering the amount of art I put out per week.
█ TMI Section Starts Now!
I'm not really one to 'blog' about useless trivial personal bits about myself, but I'm going to make an exception in this case because it's a little bit about facing one's fears. Long story short, there was something on my face and I took care of it myself. Read onwards if you want to know the details due to morbid curiosity.
This particular story starts a few months ago when I got a zit on my nose, that wasn't something that's uncommon for me; but the location was very inconvenient as it was on a part that had a rather sharp curve. As such after extracting the mass the wound left behind didn't heal over normally as it would otherwise, and it healed outwardly instead of flatly. This created a lump that I would find myself often picking at, this would usually lead to it bleeding as I ripped off the scab and whatever skin was growing out as a lump. (I have a bit of an OCD when it comes to lumps, as I tend to pop pimples when they get large enough to do so.)
Needless to say this lumpy poorly healed skin growth was a pretty frequent distraction, and it would usually end up red from the picking and or rubbing that I would do to it. More so if it started bleeding of course. Leaving it alone wasn't exactly going to shrink it, so I sorta knew that I would have to do something about it. I suppose the 'sane' thing would have been to see and epidemiologist and have them freeze it off, laser it off, or cut it off by a professional; but I suppose I'm not all that sane to start with, and I decided to do it myself.
Let me tell you this: There is no better person to scare you than yourself. A lot of thoughts crossed my head when figuring out how I would go about this, and it ranged from actual crazy things like using a razor blade or a knife to chop off the offending lump; when the sane rational solution was to use some nail clippers (or in my case toenail clippers). The mind likes to go "this is going to hurt like crazy, or if not going to sting really really bad" along with "When you picked it out it bled like crazy, this is going to be worse!" with some additional thoughts of "When you're pinching it with your fingernails it stings a bit, this is going to hurt if you go through with this!"
Still in the end I pushed those fears aside and decided I would attempt it. I mean yes I could mangle myself and make things worse, but I figured my odds of it working as opposed to failing as largely in my favor. I did a couple of practice 'clips' on the good side of my nose, and noted that I wasn't accidentally cutting or pinching myself since the surface was smooth there, and figured that even if I horribly messed it up I would only end up clipping the top layer of the skin anyways. So hopefully with adequately clean clippers and some wadded up toilet paper I took a deep breath and braced myself. I placed the clippers around the offending lump, squeezing it a bit with the edges to make sure I had it were I wanted it. I closed my eyes, held my breath and squeezed down on the clippers fast and hard.
I didn't feel anything. It was probably similar to when you discover a cut somewhere on your body that you didn't notice and then you go to yourself later "when did that happen?" course I was no fool, I applied pressure to my nose immediately because I knew it would be bleeding shortly; even though I felt nothing. It only started stinging a bit lightly after 5 minutes of applying pressure, but I expected it. It took about 10-15 minutes before the bleeding stopped and after I was able to look at my success or failure of what I did. I would say it was a success (so far) the levelness of the skin is pretty smooth now, but I will have to see how it heals over before I can say it's a complete success. The extracted lump of skin measures at about 2 mm in diameter, and 1.5 mm in height. Aside from seeing how it heals over is to make sure that the area doesn't become infected I guess, though I'm sure I'll know soon enough if it did or not.
I'm not a vain person, and I didn't do this self cosmetic surgery to look better; rather I did it because it was it was something that was distracting me. I had already decided that I needed to do it myself or have an epidemiologist do it due to how much it was bugging me, and well I figured it was within my capabilities as a person with a brain to do it myself without killing myself (If I was dumb enough to kill myself with toenail clippers, I think I'd probably deserve to die).
EDIT: In about three days the clipped flesh healed fully, and almost perfectly as well. I had expected a little bit of scarring, but it's virtually invisible save for a slight change of tone in skin colour.
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ I'm busy, busy, busy, buuuuusy. In my line of work that's a good thing I guess. I honestly do enjoy what is now my job of drawing art, and it's a healthy level of stress (for the most part) but it's getting a bit towards the unhealthy levels. I'm doing my best to manage it, and this is still mostly trial and error, learning as I go and all that.
First off, there's no way I'm going to be able to get all the S.A.D. commissions done before the 14-15th. I'll try to get most of them done, but advance apologies to those I can't get done in time for these arbitrary dates with or without meaning to people.
I believe I'm getting a better handle at how I want to take commissions and how I want to go forward with them. Mostly in that I can probably get around 14 "single" commissions done a week, which means when I open up single commissions I'll probably open them on a weekly or a bi-weekly basis with 14-28 'slots' to be taken up.
When it comes to sequences/comics, I'm probably going to have to create a guide for people to help setup scenarios and make the process a bit more streamlined. I can do about four 'pages' a week, so I'd probably create a sequence commission journal around the same format as singles with 4-8 slots to be taken up on a weekly/bi-weekly basis. I'll probably charge more for the sequences and let people decide if they want a sequence done over a longer timer period via doing single commissions over the course of a month or two, or get the sequence done quickly but pay a bit more and have it done in a day or within a week. It's mostly about the numbers, because people who want sequences and comics end up taking more of my time; which means I don't get to serve as many customers. I do enjoy the sequence work, but I'd rather be more of an accessible artist overall.
█ I'm also contemplating trying to host a "comic RPG" in a more faster flowing fashion, in that I wouldn't put too much time in cleaning up the comic as much as I would maybe try to do a black and white (or flat colored) event; but would try to get through the events in a single 8 hour sitting. In my head it sounds interesting, but I don't know how well it would end up being executed. This is something still percolating in my head, and something I won't try until I'm done the current sequence work and the rest of the S.A.D. commissions. I don't know if I'll charge anything for it since it'll be something I'll do for fun on a 'personal' day, in theory.
█ Still feeling good overall, so art from me should be a regular occurrence. I also feel like I should probably swap themes every week or bi-weekly certainly; it gets a bit tough to keep the same theme interesting for longer than that considering the amount of art I put out per week.
█ TMI Section Starts Now!
I'm not really one to 'blog' about useless trivial personal bits about myself, but I'm going to make an exception in this case because it's a little bit about facing one's fears. Long story short, there was something on my face and I took care of it myself. Read onwards if you want to know the details due to morbid curiosity.
This particular story starts a few months ago when I got a zit on my nose, that wasn't something that's uncommon for me; but the location was very inconvenient as it was on a part that had a rather sharp curve. As such after extracting the mass the wound left behind didn't heal over normally as it would otherwise, and it healed outwardly instead of flatly. This created a lump that I would find myself often picking at, this would usually lead to it bleeding as I ripped off the scab and whatever skin was growing out as a lump. (I have a bit of an OCD when it comes to lumps, as I tend to pop pimples when they get large enough to do so.)
Needless to say this lumpy poorly healed skin growth was a pretty frequent distraction, and it would usually end up red from the picking and or rubbing that I would do to it. More so if it started bleeding of course. Leaving it alone wasn't exactly going to shrink it, so I sorta knew that I would have to do something about it. I suppose the 'sane' thing would have been to see and epidemiologist and have them freeze it off, laser it off, or cut it off by a professional; but I suppose I'm not all that sane to start with, and I decided to do it myself.
Let me tell you this: There is no better person to scare you than yourself. A lot of thoughts crossed my head when figuring out how I would go about this, and it ranged from actual crazy things like using a razor blade or a knife to chop off the offending lump; when the sane rational solution was to use some nail clippers (or in my case toenail clippers). The mind likes to go "this is going to hurt like crazy, or if not going to sting really really bad" along with "When you picked it out it bled like crazy, this is going to be worse!" with some additional thoughts of "When you're pinching it with your fingernails it stings a bit, this is going to hurt if you go through with this!"
Still in the end I pushed those fears aside and decided I would attempt it. I mean yes I could mangle myself and make things worse, but I figured my odds of it working as opposed to failing as largely in my favor. I did a couple of practice 'clips' on the good side of my nose, and noted that I wasn't accidentally cutting or pinching myself since the surface was smooth there, and figured that even if I horribly messed it up I would only end up clipping the top layer of the skin anyways. So hopefully with adequately clean clippers and some wadded up toilet paper I took a deep breath and braced myself. I placed the clippers around the offending lump, squeezing it a bit with the edges to make sure I had it were I wanted it. I closed my eyes, held my breath and squeezed down on the clippers fast and hard.
I didn't feel anything. It was probably similar to when you discover a cut somewhere on your body that you didn't notice and then you go to yourself later "when did that happen?" course I was no fool, I applied pressure to my nose immediately because I knew it would be bleeding shortly; even though I felt nothing. It only started stinging a bit lightly after 5 minutes of applying pressure, but I expected it. It took about 10-15 minutes before the bleeding stopped and after I was able to look at my success or failure of what I did. I would say it was a success (so far) the levelness of the skin is pretty smooth now, but I will have to see how it heals over before I can say it's a complete success. The extracted lump of skin measures at about 2 mm in diameter, and 1.5 mm in height. Aside from seeing how it heals over is to make sure that the area doesn't become infected I guess, though I'm sure I'll know soon enough if it did or not.
I'm not a vain person, and I didn't do this self cosmetic surgery to look better; rather I did it because it was it was something that was distracting me. I had already decided that I needed to do it myself or have an epidemiologist do it due to how much it was bugging me, and well I figured it was within my capabilities as a person with a brain to do it myself without killing myself (If I was dumb enough to kill myself with toenail clippers, I think I'd probably deserve to die).
EDIT: In about three days the clipped flesh healed fully, and almost perfectly as well. I had expected a little bit of scarring, but it's virtually invisible save for a slight change of tone in skin colour.
Feb 06: Changing Idle Thoughts
General | Posted 13 years ago|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ Idle thoughts are something that can be a torturous thing depending on one's state of mind, and mine have been gradually shifting for the better. My idle thoughts clearing up from the doom and gloom to something like sunny with scattered showers. I wouldn't describe it as sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops; I'm pretty sure I've been rendered too cynical for that ever to happen, but it's nice to get relative peace of mind; which is something maybe a decade ago I was pretty sure I'd never get while still alive.
I'm certainly not free of my past, and every now and then I get dreams of being back in school and the memories of the pressure and stress come flowing back. Of how I'm not ready for the testing, or how my grades weren't good enough, of how I should be retaking classes so I can score better; always with the ever present feeling of I really, really, don't want to be in school because it was the place where I felt the most alone in the entire world. An ironic torture, to be surrounded by people; but to be completely alone. To this day I can't take people seriously when they say school was the best time of their life. Maybe it's a good time for the psychopaths I guess.
In either case, I'm slowly becoming a bit more... I suppose 'interactive' with more people. It's easier for me to keep my distance from other people due to my 'infamy' and reputation, that who I am as a presentation is much larger than life than I really am. I don't think I would describe myself as overly shy, but extremely introverted. Well, I suppose that could be somewhat inferred to the amount of time I spend inside my own thoughts based on the level of thought I put into the things I present here in this gallery. Though I suppose to the point is that I'm closing the distance between me and other people in where I can more comfortably talk on a more causal level. Friendship for me never has been "Want to be my friend?" and then "Sure" it's more of something that happens subtly, with no one really knowing of when it happened.
█ A few things have been on my mind as of late, and it's mostly been of other people of late. Some good some bad. The bad is the typical people without money, and without a job, and the pressure and stress that puts on people one way or another. The good being watching and helping another person grow, and find their way. We all carry certain amounts of fear with us, some more crippling than most; and facing them instead of feeding them is pretty healthy. Course a lot of times those fears are perfectly justified.
My friend
kaliak is doing some latex themed commissions if you're interested to see what he can pull off. He's still trying to find his own artistic identity, and unfortunately he lets his own art skills languish a bit because of the inevitable comparisons to what I can put together; kind of serves as a demotivater instead of a motivator. He's doing commissions right now to gather some money to look after his teeth, though through him I learned that one should avoid Crest 3D Whitening toothpaste. It supposedly is like brushing your teeth with acid which causes the inside of your mouth and gums to strip and peel off. (I can sort of imagine the panic one might enter if on the day you decide to take better care of your teeth, you end up using a toothpaste that actually makes things worse)
I've also been giving kyroraz the occasional helping hand with his own art, he's been progressing quickly. He has some interesting ideas in the past, and it should be fun to see what he comes up with in the future if he keeps at it.
Some other developing artists who frequent my art streams that I figure might as well get a bump as well are sargotha 
drake-darkscale elementalwolf Sorry to those I've missed mentioning as I know there's a couple more of budding artists who visit my stream that I didn't mention because my memory is a fickle thing.
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ Idle thoughts are something that can be a torturous thing depending on one's state of mind, and mine have been gradually shifting for the better. My idle thoughts clearing up from the doom and gloom to something like sunny with scattered showers. I wouldn't describe it as sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops; I'm pretty sure I've been rendered too cynical for that ever to happen, but it's nice to get relative peace of mind; which is something maybe a decade ago I was pretty sure I'd never get while still alive.
I'm certainly not free of my past, and every now and then I get dreams of being back in school and the memories of the pressure and stress come flowing back. Of how I'm not ready for the testing, or how my grades weren't good enough, of how I should be retaking classes so I can score better; always with the ever present feeling of I really, really, don't want to be in school because it was the place where I felt the most alone in the entire world. An ironic torture, to be surrounded by people; but to be completely alone. To this day I can't take people seriously when they say school was the best time of their life. Maybe it's a good time for the psychopaths I guess.
In either case, I'm slowly becoming a bit more... I suppose 'interactive' with more people. It's easier for me to keep my distance from other people due to my 'infamy' and reputation, that who I am as a presentation is much larger than life than I really am. I don't think I would describe myself as overly shy, but extremely introverted. Well, I suppose that could be somewhat inferred to the amount of time I spend inside my own thoughts based on the level of thought I put into the things I present here in this gallery. Though I suppose to the point is that I'm closing the distance between me and other people in where I can more comfortably talk on a more causal level. Friendship for me never has been "Want to be my friend?" and then "Sure" it's more of something that happens subtly, with no one really knowing of when it happened.
█ A few things have been on my mind as of late, and it's mostly been of other people of late. Some good some bad. The bad is the typical people without money, and without a job, and the pressure and stress that puts on people one way or another. The good being watching and helping another person grow, and find their way. We all carry certain amounts of fear with us, some more crippling than most; and facing them instead of feeding them is pretty healthy. Course a lot of times those fears are perfectly justified.
My friend
kaliak is doing some latex themed commissions if you're interested to see what he can pull off. He's still trying to find his own artistic identity, and unfortunately he lets his own art skills languish a bit because of the inevitable comparisons to what I can put together; kind of serves as a demotivater instead of a motivator. He's doing commissions right now to gather some money to look after his teeth, though through him I learned that one should avoid Crest 3D Whitening toothpaste. It supposedly is like brushing your teeth with acid which causes the inside of your mouth and gums to strip and peel off. (I can sort of imagine the panic one might enter if on the day you decide to take better care of your teeth, you end up using a toothpaste that actually makes things worse)I've also been giving
kyroraz the occasional helping hand with his own art, he's been progressing quickly. He has some interesting ideas in the past, and it should be fun to see what he comes up with in the future if he keeps at it.Some other developing artists who frequent my art streams that I figure might as well get a bump as well are
sargotha 
drake-darkscale elementalwolf Sorry to those I've missed mentioning as I know there's a couple more of budding artists who visit my stream that I didn't mention because my memory is a fickle thing.Jan 29: $10-20 Singles Awareness Day Suit Commissions Closed
General | Posted 13 years ago|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ This commission theme is going to revolve around this particular image. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/9802823/
So nothing too complicated, or is it?
To make things slightly more interesting here's the following 'options' for this particular theme. If you're not single the 'hearts' will be whole, those who consider themselves single will have the broken heart theme.
If you're single you can have a key hanging somewhere, otherwise if you're taken the key would probably be in the hands of your partner. The 'lock' will be located somewhere on your body (your choice of where) The lock would function as one turn would allow the person in the suit to move, a second turn to free them from the suit. Application would function as a slave ball, with the difference being the lock would migrate to wherever it's meant to be situated.
If single, the suit would be more sex toyish, with various openings to be played with.
If not single, the suit would be more chastity based, with everything inaccessible until the partner inserts the key, then the person in the suit can be played with. Removing the key would re-chastise them.
█ These commissions will be worked on after I run through the ant related single commission list (which is almost done) A note will be sent to you about payment after the image is completed.
█ If you want an image based on this theme you can provide the following information:
Reference Sheet.
Style of 'hearts' broken or whole.
If the character is open for use, or to be chastised.
Pose of the character (or what should be presented to the viewer Front/Back)
Lock location
Key location (if applicable.)
Optional
Colours used in the suit
Shape of the suit (if the hands are mitted or not, or if the arms are legs are bound or not)
If you want to include a second character interacting with the suited character the commission will cost $20.
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ This commission theme is going to revolve around this particular image. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/9802823/
So nothing too complicated, or is it?
To make things slightly more interesting here's the following 'options' for this particular theme. If you're not single the 'hearts' will be whole, those who consider themselves single will have the broken heart theme.
If you're single you can have a key hanging somewhere, otherwise if you're taken the key would probably be in the hands of your partner. The 'lock' will be located somewhere on your body (your choice of where) The lock would function as one turn would allow the person in the suit to move, a second turn to free them from the suit. Application would function as a slave ball, with the difference being the lock would migrate to wherever it's meant to be situated.
If single, the suit would be more sex toyish, with various openings to be played with.
If not single, the suit would be more chastity based, with everything inaccessible until the partner inserts the key, then the person in the suit can be played with. Removing the key would re-chastise them.
█ These commissions will be worked on after I run through the ant related single commission list (which is almost done) A note will be sent to you about payment after the image is completed.
█ If you want an image based on this theme you can provide the following information:
Reference Sheet.
Style of 'hearts' broken or whole.
If the character is open for use, or to be chastised.
Pose of the character (or what should be presented to the viewer Front/Back)
Lock location
Key location (if applicable.)
Optional
Colours used in the suit
Shape of the suit (if the hands are mitted or not, or if the arms are legs are bound or not)
If you want to include a second character interacting with the suited character the commission will cost $20.
Jan 25: Everything is fine. Nothing is ruined.
General | Posted 13 years ago|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ Oh well that's good to know... waitaminute.... Flagrant error?
█ Took it easier today, so feeling a bit better. Going to work on a more predictable *cough* schedule. It's going to tentatively look like this for the time being.
Tuesday - Day off (Cheap chicken day)
Wednesday - Work on single commissions.
Thursday - Work on sequence/comics commissions.
Friday - Work on individual projects.
Saturday - Work on single commissions.
Sunday - Work on sequence/comics commissions.
Monday - Work on individual projects.
The logic goes (if it can be considered so) is that I can finish up unfinished sequences/comic pages on my individual project days, in where I wouldn't be working as hard. Also if I don't feel like working on a personal project I could probably just goof off or continue work on commissions as well. I suppose that kinda makes them a sort of "flex day" for me.
I'm likely also going to restrict sequenced pictures in the future, just to keep things from backlogging so much.
So will see how things go!
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ Oh well that's good to know... waitaminute.... Flagrant error?
█ Took it easier today, so feeling a bit better. Going to work on a more predictable *cough* schedule. It's going to tentatively look like this for the time being.
Tuesday - Day off (Cheap chicken day)
Wednesday - Work on single commissions.
Thursday - Work on sequence/comics commissions.
Friday - Work on individual projects.
Saturday - Work on single commissions.
Sunday - Work on sequence/comics commissions.
Monday - Work on individual projects.
The logic goes (if it can be considered so) is that I can finish up unfinished sequences/comic pages on my individual project days, in where I wouldn't be working as hard. Also if I don't feel like working on a personal project I could probably just goof off or continue work on commissions as well. I suppose that kinda makes them a sort of "flex day" for me.
I'm likely also going to restrict sequenced pictures in the future, just to keep things from backlogging so much.
So will see how things go!
Jan 24: Status Report Captian! EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE!
General | Posted 13 years ago|█████|BODY
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ Single Commissions, estimated work time remaining 12 hours.
█ Sequence Commissions, estimated work time remaining 100+ hours.
█ Estimated hours before I go insane: 80.
█ I knew from the get go that it would be the sequenced pictures that would have a high chance of destroying me, mostly because people do want something bigger and better. The 2-4 sequence stuff I shouldn't have too much trouble with, but it's the stuff reaching the 8+ images that might end up driving me crazy. I cannot promise that I can get to every sequence, and for the sake of my sanity I will probably have to skip them or place them on hold. Though I don't really like putting things off for longer than a month really.
Main reason is because I'm getting tired of this particular theme and am about ready to move on to something different. So many things to do, so little time and sanity to do it with!
█ In any event I just might stagger out my schedule more and cut off a few hours from my streaming time to keep my brain a bit more fresh. Still it's more work than I would have liked to take on, but that just has given me an idea of how I can structure how I take commissions next time around.
| █████|MIND
| █████|SOUL
█ Single Commissions, estimated work time remaining 12 hours.
█ Sequence Commissions, estimated work time remaining 100+ hours.
█ Estimated hours before I go insane: 80.
█ I knew from the get go that it would be the sequenced pictures that would have a high chance of destroying me, mostly because people do want something bigger and better. The 2-4 sequence stuff I shouldn't have too much trouble with, but it's the stuff reaching the 8+ images that might end up driving me crazy. I cannot promise that I can get to every sequence, and for the sake of my sanity I will probably have to skip them or place them on hold. Though I don't really like putting things off for longer than a month really.
Main reason is because I'm getting tired of this particular theme and am about ready to move on to something different. So many things to do, so little time and sanity to do it with!
█ In any event I just might stagger out my schedule more and cut off a few hours from my streaming time to keep my brain a bit more fresh. Still it's more work than I would have liked to take on, but that just has given me an idea of how I can structure how I take commissions next time around.
