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If you're a dragon anyways.

█ In art related stuff, mostly on a hiatus. There's a few things I'll try to put together, but might be awhile before I get back into the swing of things.

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█ Friend o' mine  libra-11 is doing a Halloween themed comic thing and is auctioning off two character slots.

One slot is for your character to be a 'costume' to be worn by another person. Preferably a female

The other slot is for your character to be wearing the 'costume.'

The comic is going to be 4-5 pages long, or 6 to 8 panels. The theme is generally NC and gender reversal. If you're interested should give his journal a visit for more details.

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█ The title is a bit of a mockery of the "It Gets Better" slogan, but in the end that's how I feel. I feel this way because I read about the story of James Hubley. I look at his story, and I see much of myself in what he went through; too much of myself personally.

He found something he loved to do, and did it up till grade seven till he was bullied over his championship level figure skating abilities. He had a dream, and it was crushed, snuffed out; something that had been a source of joy turned into something for torment. Thank you society for crushing a dream, it's good to see that bullying has lasted forever, and will continue to last forever; no one gives a damn.

Though that wasn't the part that I related to, it was Jame's attitude towards life: He wanted everyone to be happy, but he was picked on and made to feel horrible for no justifiable reason. This was something I never could come to terms with myself, and I don't think James did either since even after he figured out that he was gay that he would do his best to help other gays get support in being open about themselves. Course that only added more fuel to the bullying fire, just making him a bigger target for insults and attacks on him as a person. So once again, thank you society for crushing a spirit; the displays of empathy and tolerance is simply astoundingly pathetic.

James said before he took his life that he simply could not wait another three years, adding that he didn't know if it would even get better after that. I don't blame him. Even in the end he forgave those who tormented him to the point in where life simply was not worth living in. I can understand that point because for a person who wants nothing but happiness for others, only to be presented with people who want nothing but his suffering; then suffering wins. This is the core reason why I have no stake in humanity or society: I surrendered to the reality that people just want to spread suffering, and that empathy and compassion is simply not the norm.

In another life I'd be dead. In another life I would be James. Though in the end I did die: My hopes, dreams, good-will, humanity were crushed under the weight of countless barbs and ill-will towards my person. What's left is a broken, mostly empty shell; persisting in a near constant state of soft agony and bitterness. The warmth of happiness was long ago consumed by the darkness of bitterness and resentment of the tapestry that we call society and humanity.

I can't escape this reality as much as I want to ignore and deny it's existence. FA is inherently more tolerant simply because everyone has to be at least a little bit 'off' to be a part of the fandom, and I'm grateful for that; but I can't help but think about the souls who are trapped out there in the 'real' suffering because they see what I see: A world in were selfishness and pain is the rule. That the only escape is to stop caring and shut down, or to kill yourself.

James smiled, from start to finished; because he didn't want to cause other people pain, because he didn't want others to worry. He had a huge heart, and it was stepped on; probably every day. It's little wonder why empathy is hard to find. I smiled too, till there was nothing left inside.

It might get better for individuals once they get out of high school, maybe it doesn't; but in the end so many kids out there have to face the gauntlet of junior and high school; to look down the path of six years of potential emotional and physical torment. I didn't come out of it unscathed, and many people don't either; they just suppress the experience and move on with their lives.

No one is going to save us from ourselves, and all we can do it seems is offer a near meaningless shoulder after the damage has long been done.

In the end, I still try to do what James wanted to do: Make people happy. It gets hard sometimes... a lot of times... when the world is full of so many people who do nothing but add to suffering and misery to the lives of others. The world needs more people like James, who want to make others happy; but instead society has killed off yet another compassionate, empathic soul. So no it's not going to get better, and I honestly have my doubts that it ever will.

█ I suppose for myself, in the end... such thoughts is what impacts my ability to create. That when I look out there at how horrible things are for some people, that I should be here drawing... A part of me wants to go out there and... talk to those being crushed by an cynical, callous, uncaring world. To be a psychiatrist, or councilor; to try and be there for these individuals who are having the life squeezed out of them day by day. I feel ultimately that all the love and care (and medication) that some people get, that it's simply not enough because it only serves as a distraction from what truly bothers them. That when the all the distractions are done and in a moment of somber thought everything comes crashing down and crushes the heart and soul.

What can I say? I'm damaged goods.

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█ Generations have passed, since the last time the "public" have protested; as such there's plenty of people, myself included, who have never bore witness to social unrest. Many names have been thrown at the protestors, many of them derogatory, and even the support for them seems confused.

I'm not confused. People often try to dig for reasons and explanations for things that have no simple answer. Do I have an answer? Of course not, but at the same time I'm not confused. Many have ask "What do these protesters want?" and that's not the right question to be asking. If you instead ask "What do these protesters don't want." and the answer is a bit more clear; and it's more clear because the list is shorter. It all boils down to this single statement: "Stop ignoring us."

It's not about the economy, or media, or politics; it's about everything. It's also about justice (or morality). Somewhere along the way wealth became tied to morality, this is why you hear how it's 'immoral' to take a person's wealth and give it to someone else. That it's immoral because it wasn't that person's choice to part with that wealth. That it's immoral to force that person to part with his wealth. That the moral thing to do would be to rely on that person being generous and moral and part with his wealth willingly. Perhaps people need to think on if the tale of Robin Hood is a moral or immoral one: Rob from the rich, and give to the poor. The tale wasn't about "Leave the rich alone, and hope they give to the poor."

If at this point you're thinking "Oh well you're just attacking the rich now!" let me continue the thought: As I said, money has become tied to morality, if not outright replaced it. This allows the wealthy to do immoral acts and simply pay for it with money to make things 'better.' This can be in the forms of fines, donations, or lawyers. The poor get sent to jail, and the rich walk away Scott free. Justice? Morality? Nope, just money.

Money has bought the government, money has bought the courts, money has bought the law, and money has bought morality. A lot of people feel this is wrong, so they're out there for one reason or another; but ultimately they feel that money should not be the rule, but rather that people should be the rule. They want that back. People want this back across the world.

The majority of the people opposed to the movement worship money, and don't care about the people. This means that yes, there are even rich people who support this movement; because they too believe that people should be the ones who have the say in what the world should be like, not money. It's not too hard to sort out the people who are pro-money: They thumb their noses down on these people because they are unemployed, or unkempt, or they are simply 'rich envious', or because they think they want a free ride; all their commentary is all about wealth. It's just money, money, money.

People who have followed my journals in the past know of my rather dour view on money, and that it serves to distract from what is generally important in life. I think the occupy movement is simply a culmination of that sentiment across many and varied groups.

Finally, for a last bit of perspective on the price of morality: Koch Industries has a revenue of around 100 billion dollars a year. It's CEO donated 500 million to cancer groups, and the company paid 500 million dollars in various environmental fines over the course of it's operations. The revenue of the corporation is such that in a single week that 1 billion dollars is covered. A bargain if you ask me, if the price for a clean conscious is simply 1% of a single year's revenue.

In the end don't ask the occupiers of Wall Street for solutions, that's not their job; because they aren't leaders, and they are there to express their discontent with the system. A system in where money determines everything. They need a leader, they need someone to rally them, they need someone to be able to change things. Maybe someone will step up, maybe someone will not; in any case there's no going back at this point. Something is going to give, and in the end there's more who believe in power to the people, than power to the money.

As for myself I was tempted to attend a local protest, but then I remembered that I gave up on society on a whole a long time ago. I'm just here taking notes and observing.

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█ I have placed a piece of duck meat in front of my dog's nose. She looked at it, looked at me, then took a short nap before eating it and then going right back to napping.

█ It'll be the three year mark on my time on FA in two weeks, so I suppose it's reflection time. So three years have passed and my little corner of FA has amassed over 200,000 page views with over 5000 watchers. I'm not sure what to make of the attention, much in the similar fashion that I wasn't sure of what to make of the attention I got for the first image I posted up on FA that got 100 views in under a day. Course these days the views get up to around 2-3000, and that's still a number I have a hard time grasping. I suppose it speaks to the niche I find myself in, and the amount of people who are curious to what I do.

The numbers at any rate tend to intimidate me as opposed to fueling my non-ego. The more people scrutinizing, the easier it becomes to disappoint. It's simply the nature of the beast I think, that most people will always want more. I've done hundreds of submissions, but I don't think very many people would be satisfied with that; I know I wouldn't be. It's also the same sentiment I have at times with artists I take interest in, always wishing on some level that they'd draw more. Course what do I offer than a sense of want? It's not like I was throwing money at them to make more.

That point actually creates a bit of a paradox for myself as an artist. I have the understanding that people to commission me (far more than I could ever keep up without going insane and losing all love for what I do), so that getting a commission from another artist at times is in of itself a valuable thing at times. So that me having a commission from an artist essentially denies another that opportunity. More over, I can draw and create whatever I want for myself in the first place, so with that thought in hand really all I would be able to do is just throw money at the artists a really like. Course most of the artists I like seem to be well enough off that they don't have a need to ask for donations from their fans. So I suppose in my way I just end up drawing fan/gift arts for some of the ones I like. I sometimes wonder if that's the best thing to do in such a situation. That said, I certainly appreciate the gift type arts I receive, that I'm good enough to warrant that kind of attention.

I'm not sure I've changed all that much over the past three years, aside from a slight increase in my own artistic abilities that just comes with the territory of drawing a lot. I'm still rather unsure of myself, even if after three years the numbers would suggest that I have 'proven' myself to be capable. All I can say is that at this point is "It's not enough" and I'm not sure if it ever will be. My imagination simply surpasses my artistic abilities.

█ I'm going to attempt to work on another project, no guarantees as my mood is still on the low end and rather fickle on a whole regardless. I'm not quite ready to do commissions overall yet either unfortunately, though I hope to take some more in the future. Anyways I have three general themes that I'm considering doing, and instead of my milling about trying to decide which one of the three I'd want to do I'm just going to ask my viewership to vote on it really.

Enduring Technologies "Exploration" - If I do this I'll attempt to create a floor plan of the facility and draw in the various rooms/stations, and research wings. The point of it would be to give more substance to the complex supposedly where most of my art takes place inside. It would also give me a sort of foundation for separating various pieces of my art in theory. This would probably be the most technical idea I'd be running with. In my head I would like to get this done before working on the larger comic project I suspended simply because it was too large for me to handle.

Slave Ball Animation - Next idea would be me animating a sequence of Erinsis getting caught by a slave ball. I already did a very basic animation so I'd be doing something a bit more refined and elaborate. Probably would have to reacquaint myself with Flash to do it properly.

Another Comic - This one is self explanatory, it's just me working on another large comic project (as opposed to comic commission). Could be anything, and would require further voting on what idea to pursue if this the avenue people would rather see me do.

HEALTH █████
ENERGY █████ Depression

█ Depressed again. Though it's nothing to be worried about, I've lived with depression for around half of my life, and I've been trapped in the cycle since junior high. My brain has essentially been wired to have the following pattern: Depression for nine months, and relative happiness for three. It's hard to feel happy when one has to spend 75% of one's life dreading getting out bed, and making the long march to a place in where you spend eight hours a day in fear, loneliness, emptiness, and pain. I never really connected with anyone really at school, I only had one good friend in high school. Though once he started going to college we drifted apart as he smoked weed and started hanging around with people more his speed. He put his life together in the end, but the only real connection we had was that we were both social outcasts. His escapism was smoking and weed, I didn't have one. Though that was how it went for six long years that felt like an eternity. So even outside of high school I still experience cycles of deep depression and relative happiness. They are now of varying durations, but I don't think I've ever been able to sustain being happy for more than half a year.

I'm not sure if I'll ever truly ever be able to not feel alone. Yeah I have friends today, more than I've ever had in previous periods of my life; yet my feelings are always my own, and I know that my feelings can be dangerous. They are dangerous because of my ability to express myself that comes across more pointed and harder than most everyone else I've personally encountered. They are dangerous because most times I have a better read on the other person I interact with than they do me. So I always have to restrain myself on some level, especially when I get negative, but I'm not always good at that. I get my moments of weaknesses for whatever reason; main one that I simply get tired.

These kind of feelings I even apply to the stuff I do here on FA, as I basically do readings on the general feeling of those of you who watch my stuff. Which is to say yes I do restrain myself on some of the things I draw. Essentially I have some understanding of why people draw certain things (I've seen a lot of the very off stuff) and my reactions aren't "OMG gross, what is wrong with that artist?" but rather "Not really my thing." I try not to be judgmental, but a lot of people unfortunately are.

I think most people have a good grasp at what another person's reaction is going to be if they do something. The problem is that most people don't give any thought to their own actions. I always try to give some thought to my own actions. Main reason why I said early on in this journal "not to worry" because some people will worry, and that's a kind sentiment for those who do worry; world would be a better place if more people had that reaction as opposed to "Suck it up you pussy" I didn't address the later likely sentiment because if you're watching me, then you'd rather see me happy (unless I ended up putting you off via a previous journal which is entirely possible)

Though all this rambling is part of the reason why I tend to feel alone; because this is the kind of stuff that goes on in my head. That's the amount of thinking I tend to do in most situations, but in the end I feel shafted and alone at times because people don't often display that kind of depth of thought when it relates to me. I'm not sure if it's because I'm 'unpredictable' or if I'm a hard person to read, but in general on emotional and personal levels I just tend to feel isolated.

█ Old stuff that might be of interest to my watchers:
Early version of Endium This isn't the first picture of Endium, but it is one of the earlier ones. The design of the plates that cover his head and spine keep changing, mostly because I never found a design I quite liked till a bit before I joined FA.

My First? Dragon Bondage picture. This *might* be the first time I drew a bondage type scene which was draw in 01. I'm pretty sure it was earlier than my "Graveyard Shift Madness" scribbles which occurred in 03 or 04.

█ Watched a documentary on "Experts" today. Here's the short and sweet of it: Experts are not experts. If you flip a coin you have a better chance of being right than every proclaimed expert out there. That's right, by the sheer act of flipping a coin, you will be more right than an expert.

In fact, the more sure of themselves an expert is, the more wrong they are likely to be. All being an 'expert' is in today's society and culture is this: Usage of the words "Always", "Never", and any other absolute terms.

So beware any expert who proclaims they "know" and are "100% sure" of themselves, they aren't selling you expertise, they are selling you their opinion. Opinions which are wrong more than 50% of the time and can approach to being wrong nearly 100% of the time.

The reason why this is that most experts have next to no actual experience or knowledge of the field they profess to have expertise in. A house inspector may have built zero houses. A nutritionist may know absolutely nothing about human metabolism. Economic experts have no clue how the stock market works. It just goes on and on.

Essentially the true experts in any given field you can name, are the ones who express some level of doubt and uncertainty. Though please do not confuse "experts" with "scientists" Cause the best example I can think of is comparing an "Expert on Climate" with a "Climate Scientist" one is full of bullshit, the other actually has real knowledge. It's like asking a weatherman to explain global warming (it's global warming, screw the global climate change euphemism), as opposed to the climate scientist.

It's just unfortunate that society as a whole has given the act of thinking over to all the 'experts' who get things wrong the majority of time. No wonder everything is such a mess.

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█ Something has been on my mind on and off as of late, and a chat with  redflare500 ended up giving me a little push to write a journal about it. So to the person who can find the scene and name the movie/cartoon that it belongs too, I'll draw their character if they were involved in the incident!

Right so the scene (as reconstructed from my memory) is this.

A bunch of individuals covered in goo/goop/slime whatever. They are held in a pit of some sort, and are treated as diseased individuals, yadda yadda. The cure is sunlight which hardens the stuff so that it falls off. (This would be the ending of the story)

Other stuff that my memory sort of recalls is the protagonist/hero of this story is thrown in with the coated individuals and is infected along with the others, and that the entrance to the pit is like grate or something in where they occasionally try to claw out at those who pass by.

Other details I'm not sure about is that I seem to recall that the characters were anthropic as opposed to human (but I could be wrong on this) and that the character styles were more cartoonish than realistic. This movie/cartoon would also probably be in the 80s/90s...

Course this might have all been a hallucination, or some long forgotten dream and might be a wild goose chase, but maybe someone out there knows what I'm talking about.

HEALTH █████
ENERGY █████ Should probably try to correct my sleep pattern

█ I continue to upload my old comicstuff. It's a bit amusing to find what is more acceptable for the general populous: Like getting run through the heartfor example. Course being able to minimize the damage, helps with getting brought back from dead.

While it's been a decade since I wrote the comic, the whole sequence did have a point to it to establish something else that happens later. I had basically forgotten why and had to run through the sequence of events as to the relevant plot point. So even 10 years ago I tried to do things with purpose and some thought.

█ Though really, a continued 'normal' existence would be pretty hazardous to Erinsis. Getting stabbed with sharp pointy objects tend to do that! As opposed to soft pointy objects >>; To this day I still find it a bit silly how violence is more acceptable than sexual stuff. Still, what I created back then was a form of encasement, though for more unpleasant purposes as depicted. Additionally Endium is referenced within those sequence of events, which already at that point establishes that he's essentially stronger than Erinsis is.

█ In other news, not sure when I'll be able to have new art ready. There's only one more page of the comic commission currently being posted weekly, and I have some colouring work to do on another. I also haven't decided on any personal projects to do currently. So potentially a bit of a dry spell until I get the current comic commission finished up.

HEALTH █████ So tiiiiired
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█ The comic experiment is over (least the creation and posting of it) The final donation tally is about $440. I have no exact figures because the money amounts weren't always in USD, and there is of course the transaction fees, but I think it's pretty close. Thanks to those of you who supported my comic project, I hope what I put together was worthy of your endorsement.

It's not quite the amount I would have gotten had the RAIS comic been a commission (which would have been $500 for the work involved) but it's pretty close, I think I can be content with that. I think it's enough of an endorsement to consider trying to get the comic in print. I have no experience in this field, so I don't know how many people would have to order one; or how much it has to cost to make the endeavor worthwhile when it comes to printing sources. (Though there's some people I can talk to on the subject)

█ I'm not completely sure that doing comics is something that is currently viable for me to do (in terms of making enough money to live off of anyways) I say this mostly because I'd probably be better off doing small commissions quickly. (Maybe more so if I had a drawing tablet that was more compatible with my drawing process) I enjoy doing it, and certainly I'm trying to make it work out for me.

That all said, I'm open to suggestions as to what I should be doing for the next one. Or I might just simply stick with doing other people's comic commissions (I'm currently working on one at the moment, hopefully I'll have it done in about a week or so)

HEALTH █████
ENERGY █████ Slightly recomposed.

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█ I'm just making this journal entry mostly to bump the previous one off my front page. I don't believe in lying to myself, and that the things I say and express are something true to me. I'm not always tactful, I accept that. I don't always make the best of judgements, I accept that as well. All I can do is offer my apologies if I do cause hurt and pain, for that is usually not my intent. I don't view myself as a malicious entity.

I don't believe it's possible to take back what is said once it is said, because when you say something out from the depths of hesitation, those are the things that are most true to you; because truth is difficult. I have no desire to portray myself as perfect, or more noble or moral than I truly am, which is why I refuse to delete any entries I make. If nothing else I wish to be honest, and that if I am to be judged, then judge me for the sum of my parts; including my weaker petty moments, not just my triumphs.

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ENERGY█████ Faith in humanity waning.

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█ Don't read if you don't like politics... or ranting. Fair warning.

█ I had an epiphany, a moment of pure clarity; and it was during a discussion of sorts over well... I suppose the closest I can describe it as American patriotism: You know the thing in where America is the greatest country on the face o the planet, at how everyone wants to be an American, yadda yadda. Well, as some may or may not know; I'm a Canadian so I frankly can't agree to the sentiment, but I'm sure some of you know about the American patriotism thing, and how people just ooze and bleed it.

It was a civil discussion, if a bit passionate. I mean I let a lot of things slide on my end, I'm not sure if it's the Canadian thing to do (I like to think so) but I can't help but think of what my reactions would have been if I had the same level of passion the other guy had. When I talk of things I let slide, one of them was how he kept referring to Canada as essentially a US state. How our politics are similar, or how our economies are virtually the same. At how all that Canada is, the USA is better. Yeah I let all that slide during our discussion, while at the same time taking all the flak and at the same time soaking up all the praise of America that was being lumped on to me with as an example American Idol is so popular, and that it's a celebration and display at how people with nothing can 'make it' Again I have some personal issues with the actual number of people who can 'make it' but my points are largely ignored. I even made a statement that Canadians on a whole aren't as obsessed with fame, fortune, and glory as Americans are; I personally feel that's a pretty safe generalization to make.

Now all of this is well and good up to the point I was being given the 'list' of great American things, and one of them was "Free Speech", and I said "So what? Canada has it too" Then it got painful, for me personally, as the response I got back was that no Canada does not have free speech.

If you stopped for a moment, a moment that felt like a minute and then thought "what? WHAT?" That was my reaction too.

I really couldn't believe that was the reply I got back, I really couldn't. The worst part of it is that I think he honestly believes it, because he didn't take it back; in fact all he did was throw more Americanisms at me, and how similar Canada and America was. Yet... somehow... freedom of speech, which I would think one of the fundamental similarities... no... Canada doesn't have that.

Now if you're like me, you wanted to know how, hoooow could such a conclusion be drawn. Now part of me understood that essentially this statement was made because of your traditional "My stuff is better than your shit" mentality (thank you George Carlin), but I respect this guy and consider him a friend (I'm not naming him, and I do feel a little bad about posting this journal out, but seriously saying that Canada has no freedom of speech pisses me off)

Where was I... oh yes... *sigh* I find out that this... abomination of an idea was because he heard a Canadian talking about how their schools were indoctrinating students with ideology. Are you ready to make that leap with me? About how teaching ideology equates into no freedom of speech? No, I thought not.

So where does the epiphany come in? Well here it is. *sigh* He got it from an AM radio station. Yeah that's right, talk show radio. It's hard to describe the feeling of pissed off epiphany. That he is able to say and believe that Canada has no free speech... because talk radio told him so.

Face, meet my hand for the next minute.

I couldn't let it go, how can I? I mean I view this guy as a perfectly reasonable person, has a good head on his shoulders but then this. I mean we had various disagreements in the past because we do engage in civil political discussions, but suddenly everything came into focus, everything about our discussions made perfect crystal clear sense. Yet at the exact same moment I was hit by this wave of despair and hopelessness because it's at that point I realized that I would never be able to have these sorts of discussions anymore with him. For the entire time after this revelation, he spent it defending what he said about Canada not having free speech, that the government controls what Canadians say; and how America has free speech because they can stop the government from infringing on their rights. I mean...how...can a person buy into that kind of sentiment? How was this person able to tell me that Canada does not have free speech?

So what is different between Canada and America? Well... there you go: Talk Radio. God I'm depressed. I'm depressed because I'm a person who has a passion for facts and reality. I like to keep up with current events as horribly depressing it is. More importantly I like to form my own opinions based on what I find, and I'm not afraid of the facts if they fall against my views. Yet I've been basically having political discussions with someone who's had their opinions given them to them... with a spoon; I mean personally I thought the odd things he would say now and then was due to a lack of information about some of the stuff he was talking about, and I liked to think that our discussions were helping to fill in some of those blanks, but it's all the more disheartening to know that it wasn't ignorance (and ignorance isn't a bad thing, we all suffer from it) but to know those blanks were purposefully filled in wrong and passed as truth... in permanent ink... that's just disheartening to me.

I'm sorry for the rant, but I had to vent... I haven't been that pissed off and depressed at the same time in a long time.

█ EDIT.

For the Americans here reading this journal post, know this about Canada: Hate speech is not protected in Canada, in fact it is illegal. Really this is one of the things I learn by engaging in political discussions, because it's become more and more apparently and blatantly clear that some Americans are using the Canadian illegality of hate speech, as a call, or reason, or whatever you want to call it for Canada not having free speech, and that America is better in that regards.

I... just...

Look, if those of you, who are Americans, view hate speech as a redeeming part of the umbrella that is free speech, I have no words. I just have no words.

I do not apologize for Canada's censorship of American materials that cross the border that contains hate speech. I just don't, because fundamentally, as a human being, not as a Canadian, a human being, I think that is just the right damn thing to do.

If you want to say America has "freer" Freedom of Speech because Americans are allowed to say whatever hateful an incitetful garbage you want about groups of people, then I shall grant you that. You guys are allowed to say whatever the hell you want with no repercussions. I just don't think it's moral in the slightest.

But as far as Canadian free speech goes, I think Canadian citizens take a lot of comfort that hate speech is a crime. That people are not allowed to spread baseless lies without repercussions. Though again... that might just be a Canadian thing!

HEALTH █████
ENERGY █████ Recovering Slowly

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█ And his name shall be Discord.

What's the weakness though? The weakness is those characters who are chaotic in nature, and in Discord's case it's a sort of double weakness as the character is voiced by John De Lancie (or probably more commonly known as "Q" from Star Trek")

I think I enjoy chaotic characters the most because they are difficult to write; because the moment you start making them predictable they lose a lot of their power as a character. Yet the vein that chaotic characters run on is they do it for a laugh: nothing more, nothing less. Yet at the exact same time they are capable of deep insight that escapes those who run the straight path.

Though what kind of chaotic characters do I like? Well as mentioned "Q" from Star Trek, and then there's the Joker from Batman, Kefka from FF6, Hexadecimal from Reboot, and Puck from Gargoyles (there maybe others that escape my memory currently). All characters with very random personalities, and who are at their core are tricksters; who tend to be able to make very insightful and pointed jabs at their targets. These are the characters that forces thought out of people, because with any other hero/villain setup, the morals are almost always clear cut and spoon fed to you.

What message you take from the tricksters when they have been bested will vary from person to person, and perhaps that's their greatest strength; that what you take is a revelation of who you are. Can you accept their message, and grow from it thus; or do you reject it, and grow from it that way? For they are hard to ignore.

Sides, they get all the cool maniacal laughs.

█ As a side note, Celestia has turned out to be a rather cruel individual, trapping her sister in a moon for a thousand years and turning Discord into a statue. I find it funny how Discord even points out that despite who he is (the bad guy, duh) that he doesn't turn others into stone.

Course I'm sure people will say Discord is a bully for cheating and brainwashing the good guys, but really it's just an illustration of the folly of attempting to be pure by denying the facets of one's personality that exists in everyone instead of accepting it. Course that's just me reading in Discord's trolling of the ponies.

Still like the show, just not to the brony level, sides Discord looks more like an eastern dragon than a pony and he's just become my favorite character in that show (just a shame that he's probably a one time character) I just wonder a bit at the mixing of the Trekkies with the Bronies that will happen due to Discord's character... somehow seems appropriate given the actor....

█ I suppose since I'm on the topic I should comment on the MLP FA banner. I chuckled a bit, but I thought it was well executed considering what it was going for. I'm a proponent of that laughter is the best medicine, and that if you're unable to laugh at the ridiculousness you might need to chill out a bit. Cause I'm not going to get angry over that, there's other things more deserving of my ire.

█ EDIT: I just remembered the other chaotic character I like Mxyzptlk from Superman. A shame Youtube killed the clips of him and Superman going at it.

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█ Last month my Internet connection was spotty at best, and while I found I could get by fine without being online, I found that I spent my idle time watching *shudder* "reality television" instead of keeping up with world events and visiting tech and science websites.

All I can say is that American programming is low brow, and even then that might be giving it too much credit. Now maybe there are some of you who would defend the US programming, but after watching Masterchef (USA edition), America's Got Talent, and the final run down of Hell's Kitchen; my brain is having a hard time wrapping itself around what qualifies for entertainment: It's all emotional drivel... no... emotional dreck.

I didn't find myself angry, or emotionally connected to what was happening, as opposed to intellectually damaged. First off, I couldn't really comprehend the point of Masterchef. From the last few episodes I watched, it seems that the chefs are expected to make a bazillion different kinds of dishes for the amusement of the judge of the day. I say judge of the day because the judges kept changing each episode! Now I have more respect for Kitchen Nightmares because there's the constant theme of a small manageable menu catering to the strengths of the chef in trouble as well as using cheap readily available local ingredients. Yet flip this around for Masterchef and you have chefs scrambling to make a meal out of randomly picked foodstuffs. It felt to me more like a game show than 'reality' TV about trying to find a great chef. I sometimes wonder if this is all the American attention span has tolerance for. When I watched the last episode, I was completely baffled at why the chef who won... won. I recall the contestant who won had a dish given to the judges that was dirty, as in it had dirt in it. (improperly cleaned), while the one who lost it suffered from presenting a weak dessert dish. Now if I was weighing something on production, taste, and presentation; eating bits of dirt would probably make me throw out the dish completely regardless of how it looked or tasted. Might be the best dirt I ever ate, but it's still dirt! As I said... it hurt my brain.

So let's move to America's got Talent. First off, I've watched it in the past, and I could never quite understand why singers are in the show. They have a show for that: It's called American Idol! Yes, I saw that a singer won the competition (again it seems) Though this is what happens when the voting system is basically the American public. It's turned not into a talent competition, but a story competition. Who had the most enticing story that the public can buy into? I just feel that it turns the whole thing into a cheesy sap story than something more about talent; and it at times begs me the question of "If they can win at America's Got Talent, why could they not rise to the top on American Idol?" That said, of the other finalists I thought one was a bit blatantly patriotic with it's Americanisms, but least they knew their audience; but both dance teams were unique and I enjoyed both their acts. Personally I feel that the singers and bands aren't creative simply because (as many have pointed out) that they work from existing materials, and it's a bit cheap; but people vote for that anyways.

The last thing on TV that has injured my brain recently is Hell's Kitchen. Why... just... why. I can't help but see it as... Survivor: Cooking Edition; in where every immunity challenge is cooking. Now I watched the original Survivor before every subsequent one was ruined by it really being Survivor: Politics in (insert name of godforsaken rock), and it was interesting to see people being pushed to various physical limits and how people coped and managed with it. All reality TV shows are these days is about ratings, and that's done by getting people not to like and emphasis with the people they see on the screen, but to find personalities for people to get angry at. I've watched some of Hell's Kitchen before in the past, and I thought it was an okay show; but watching it recently I've become baffled. If the intent is to find someone who run and lead an expensive high quality restaurant, why are two of the finalists people any sane person would never work for? One is a slacker, the other is a bitch; and the only reason why I can think of why they remain on the show for so long is because the executives have given Gordon a short list of people they want to see remain in the show for as long as possible as they believe it will increase ratings.

I tend to respect people on shows that are supposed to be about talent when they show genuine talent, and some certainly do; but it certainly feels that people with talent are being essentially screwed because they aren't a ratings goldmine. This kind of stuff passes for 'entertainment'? It's all low brow garbage designed to get people emotionally worked up, and for a person like me who puts forth thinking before feeling all I can come up with is "I think I'm going to feel sick." My internet has been working okay for the past few days, but odds are I'll see the finale of Hell's Kitchen because I'm a stupid moron who hopes there's some kind of reasonableness in the world and that somehow the last two finalists will be at least the two who deserve to be there. I suppose it's one of those things in where something horrible is happening, but you can't look away due to the disbelief of what is transpiring before your eyes. In the end I find I don't miss TV much, there's not much to miss with the awful programming they have these days.

Semi Relevant Link

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█ I finished uploading one of my old comic series before I went full on into the kinky side of things. You should be able to use the NEXT button at the top to cycle through them all since I've sorted out the strips into it's own gallery/folder (I just hope FA gets such a thing one day.)

It's sort of a testament to how far my artistic (and a bit of my own writing skills) have evolved over time. With that set out of the way I'll be uploading my old more serious and plot orientated strip up, which will take a few months to do since I'm doing it one day a strip.

█ I've been feeling a bit down the past couple of days, but at the same time it's not completely unexpected. I find whenever I do large personal projects (the last one being the Captive Audience picture) I tend to dip into a period of depression. I'm not sure if I can explain it in any other manner than that I simply vest myself into something I create, and that part is spent and exhausted from the effort. This isn't something I particularly experience when doing larger more complicated commissions, that generally results in frustration at the process, yet at the same time relief when it's well received (and that helps keep my energy up I feel).

I don't particularly get that sense of relief when I do personal projects because I seldom receive my own works, and I can only look upon it with the sense that I could have done so much more with it. I'm still glad I pulled it off though, but it's just one of those realizations that I have a hard time working on personal projects; or rather with the period of time after completing them. I suppose it's only a natural thing, when you reach a new height, it's far easier to slip back down to what is more 'normal' than it is to push to even greater heights. As far as my 'normal' state goes is me just wanting to goof off and laze about, no matter how hard I try to make working on fun art the norm.

Just a bit self-reflection and I'll be fine. I actually have another comic type commission to work through (and some side collaborations I hope to be able to work through).

My only real beef as of late really is my internet connection which is spotty to non-existent except from about 2AM to 11AM. Completely throws my day and concentration right out the window.

█ On a side note, my dog is using my bed. I probably should go to bed, but at the same time I don't want to disturb her. Course she knows it's my bed so when I want to use it she hops off without me saying anything. Might give me an excuse to try to get some more drawing done till I'm super tired.

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█ I'm about ready to start assembling this large project I'm going to attempt to throw together. It's essentially a 'holding room' of sorts for various suited rubber slaves. Body is pretty much fully covered save for the eyes (makes it easier on me to compose this image) This is a free thing done for those of you who pay attention to my journals, no cost involved to you other than time.

For those interested I'll need the following information posted in this journal. Do NOT note me!

EDIT: I should probably mention that I'll be doing my best to fit everyone into this, as I'm pretty much working from a set of templates I've created over the past few weeks.

Character Name - Self Explanatory
Slave Role - Dom Unit (Red), Sub Unit (Pink), Combat (Gold), Milking (Green); Labour: (Blue), Other (Purple), Undetermined (Dark Grey)
Body Build - Bulk, Slim, Feral
Gender - Self Explanatory (This will be a label)
Suit Breasts - Yes or No
Leg Shape - Anthro (animalish) or Plantigrade (humanish)
Suit Visor - Yes or No

If no visor, that means the eyes (and area around eyes) Will be visible and exposed. In this event I need to know this additional information:

Eye Colour
Colour Around the Eyes (fur, scales, whatever)
Any Patterning Around the Eyes
Expression - Sleeping, Dazed, Angry/Struggling, Pleasured/Tired

Other Details (You only need to mention these if you have them):
Ears - Triangular, Rounded, Floppy (Likely won't be visible), Fan/Fin, or Other (describe)
Horns - Describe shape & locations
Tails - Thick (reptilian) or Thin (mammal) or Other (describe)
Wings - Size (Will be sheathed in rubber)
Long Neck - For dragons (and giraffes?)
Size For the purposes of my sanity I'm keeping everyone in this picture around 5-6 feet in height. If you're larger or smaller by a foot or two feel free to mention it and I'll try to scale the image appropriately.

█ I'll probably make one posting of this image, and update it as I go along; but at the same time I have no ETA on it. None of the "Other Details" stuff is completed, and I have to work on those yet. Course once I get them done it's pretty much turning them on or off on my end.

█ I turned 30 sometime last week, so the 30th isn't actually my birthday. I didn't make any mention of it in advance as I like the day to pass without ceremony as I don't really celebrate any day in particular. Do I feel any different? Not really, it's another day; yet at the same time I probably can admit to some level of depression by that marker. Though it's just the same thing as it always is of society placing the burden of success on my shoulders on me with the ever constant nagging of "You need to be successful and wealthy and blah blah blah" That I'm 30 is just a reminder of it. It's not really a mid-life crisis (or whatever you call it) but an ever constant existential crisis. The ever constant voice in my head going "Is this what you want to do with your life?"

Make no mistake, I enjoy doing what I do here on FA; and I am trying to scrap together what qualifies for a living from it (Much thanks to those of you who throw money at me) but it's meager. I do have other options open to me if I were to take them, things more "normal" by most definitions. I have probably have enough aspiration to become an architect or a psychologist (Direction and drive I only really discovered say in the past 5ish years) so there's definitely a part of me that says "Go for that" but there's certainly a part of me that wants to push forward with my art. So for now I'll be doing the art thing.

█ People don't need a specific day as an excuse to do awesome things, so here's something I got somewhat recently!

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6300658/ by  MXL You should check out some of his other stuffs too probably.

Also  zenon converted a commission I did into a simple flash game

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█ First off, I'm just going to say a big thank you to everyone for everything. I really do appreciate your support in all forms, it's the biggest thing by far that keeps me doing what I do as it provides me with a sort of sense of purpose. It's a small thing, but I really do thank you all.

█ That said, this project I'm working on is more of a 'tangible' thank you to those of you who follow my madness. For those who don't know (or have forgotten) I'm trying to assemble a large image of suited folks, and I'm trying to do it in a manner in where I can make minor edits to include more people in it. Distinguishing features are to be determined, but the one for sure is a name/designation across the chest. I'll likely have the eyes visible under a lens or completely exposed who knows.

That said the following is the planned presets I'm going to be including that I can 'switch on and off' to represent anyone who ends up participating in this image (not this journal, I'll make a post when I'm ready to start 'assembly'

At any rate, the current list is as follows.

Anthro Bodies
Bulk/Built/Muscular or Normal/Lithe
Digi-grade (anthro) legs or Planti-grade (human) legs
Flat chest or Breasts
Unisex genital plate is going to be used in image

Feral Bodies
Probably just a 'normal' body type.

Other Features
Ear Types Canine, Feline?
Horns
Tails (slightly visible)
Wings (bound and sheathed)

█ I think that should cover most things I would need to pull this off, though if something seems missing or should be added feel free to throw in what I should be including.

I'm not sure if I'm going to do taurs, but I might be able to pull it off; suppose that depends a bit on how many I'd have to accommodate...

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• Comic Slot (One of Us) - 100% (Will be posted Aug 21st then on a weekly basis till out of pages as per request)
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█ Typical warning, do not read if you're not interested in the subject, you have that choice.

█ Two years ago (or so FA says) I made a journal entry in regards to my thoughts about the subject, and due to hearing about a possible one in the community recently my thoughts return back to it.

My opinion on it still remains the same, and the ignorance of some people remain the same. The part that makes me laugh (because my only alternative is to seethe with anger) is how it's called a selfish act. I'm sorry, but considering how people treat others like dirt, you don't have any right to call the person who takes their life selfish. The ones who are living, the ones who interacted with the deceased: you abused that life. You abused it, mistreated it, and drug it through the dirt; and you have the gall to say that people who commit suicide are selfish?

Secondly, no one has the right to claim they've "been there." Tried to kill yourself and failed? Tried and failed it multiple times? Sorry, but you're not "there" you didn't cross that final line. If you've "been there" learn humility, just because you returned from the brink doesn't mean everyone can. Good on you, you have your life back, but there's one stark reality you're ignoring if you think you've been there, and came back insisting that everyone else can do it: You didn't hurt the most. Your pain wasn't the worst in the world; people can and do hurt more than you ever did.

Yes we all suffer, but don't for a second think you've hurt the most in the world; only one person can ever lay claim to that, and I assure you that person is not among the living.

All I can ever really say to those who commit suicide out of despair is this: I hope your pain and suffering has stopped, for I do not think I can imagine how deep you had to suffer. Life is to be enjoyed, and I am saddened that yours had to be filled with so much hurt.

I fear we will not learn.

As for those who say that it may be all a hoax, I don't care. My heart bleeds from the pain and suffering the world endures. Someone has to give a damn, even if it's someone as cynical as myself. I'd rather care and be made a fool, than to not care and add to the suffering of the world.

It gets hard, it really does. The more I experience the 'real world' the less I wish to be involved with it.

So I laugh at the world, what other choice do I have? But to be crushed by the despair instead.

█ An off thought I have now and then is that I'm tempted to write a book on 'life' just personal opinions, views, insights; yadda yadda. I suppose a sort of personal manifesto or something. I can't think of any real reason of why I want to do it aside from giving my thoughts structured form. I think more on life and the world than I do about the stuff I do here on FA, and that 'stuff' though does give all that I do here structure, form, and reason. I just have to decide on when I want to sit down and do it.

Just a quick journal entry here informing you all that my internet has been down and is currently going off and on repeatedly. If this continues into tomorrow I'll probably be unable to upload the next comic page (In the event you don't see it up sometime tomorrow)

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█ I had a sort of inspiration the other day to do something in the event I reach 5000 watchers (or maybe 200k views who knows?) It will be in where I setup a sort of restraining suit template, arms over the head held in a standing position, whole body covered save for perhaps the eyes. I'd then make several body types (male/female/both/muscular/lithe/feral/anthro) and with that construct a large image with numerous bodies in this fashion with their name across a collar or their chest or something around that bounds. I'd probably be able to assemble an image together holding dozens (or perhaps hundreds) of bodies with minimal effort. All people would have to do is leave their name, colour of their eyes, and area around their eyes with height. Course might have the option of simply letting others just be a faceless masked entity amongst the rabble.

Feel free to toss in ideas should you wish, I'm just brainstorming at this point.

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█
I... suppose this is one way to sell cars.

█ Been keeping busy with commissions, one particularly large one taking up the comic slot. I have a couple of mini-comic commissions that I'm waiting on the details of before I can get work on those. I hope to get these done in a reasonable amount of time.

Speaking of comic type things, I did a series of sketches for my friend Kaliak to colour and this was the end result. I also provided a series of sketches for Libra-11 to colour as well, so might be something down the road to see there as well!

Hopefully all this stuff turns out reasonably well, and as always a big thanks to you who stalk and support me in my 'unusual' endeavors.

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• Comic Slot - Preliminary Planning 1%
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This commission slot's raffle winner is  rubberpuppydog

█ Same drill. Post if you're interested in a commission slot. First two get it, the rest a raffle slot to be randomly picked next commission set.

█ So I stumbled across an interesting 'discussion' over an article about a women fearful that her boyfriend who was watching gay porn is thusly... gay. I found it kind of amusing the double standard that was set by the posters responding to the situation, at how females can be attracted to any sort of sexual situation, regardless of what kind of erotic content was shown; but the moment you suggest a straight man who look at gay porn without any reaction other than "eww gross, do not want" is automatically gay or bi.

Course there were people defending the utterly single-mindedness of men, at how it's straight sex or eww eww eww. Keep in mind they are talking about porn, and not the actual act of sex itself. Course I tried to apply this 'logic' or lack of really to myself, and I'm not sure what conclusion I'd be able to come up with. Personally I think I find sex a bit boring, regardless of gender. The stuff that interests me is strictly the bondage, and as such I enjoy seeing it regardless of gender. Does this label me 'bisexual?' in where I not really attracted to either gender, but simply the act of bondage?

I mean ultimately what I'm saying is that while I like bondage type porn, I'm ultimately not really attracted to either gender or the default acts of sex. Which I suspect puts me into the 'sick freak' category of sexual orientation.

Though speaking of single-mindedness, if the whole male stereotype was going to be boiled down, it would have to be "They are obsessed with holes, and most don't care what surrounds it." If it's gay or not, or if it makes them gay or not is rather irrelevant in my opinion, especially when all you need to do is blindfold a guy, and he'll probably get off one whatever hole you present him with. You know provided the hole isn't full of razorblades and spikes of course... though I wouldn't put it past some people... *shudders*

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Prices are found on my front page
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This commission slot's raffle winner is  Raidagu

█ Same drill as previous times, first two who express interest will get the slots. The remainder who express interest get a raffle slot. (I look away for a minute and it's full!)

█ As I've completed my own personal comic project, I'm open to taking on a comic commission. This commission isn't first come first serve but rather who presents to me a workable idea (that isn't horribly long) What I'll accept is going to be entirely at my discretion. Send a note to me if you're interested and will go from there. Just keep in mind that it will be potentially pricey.

█ Tiemeth, AKA  thelonelydragon has been up to his tricks again. I suppose turn about is fair play, but it doesn't make him any less doomed down the road...

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Current Comic Total: $52.38
Page 5 Post Date: August 4.

█ Ding Fries are Done!

Right then, I've completed my comic project, and I think I've decided on how I want to manage this whole thing. There's pretty much 9 "content" pages out of 14 pages total. Which makes 5 of the pages sort of padding. I've made this as close to an actual comic book you might find, and that's the primary reason for those extra pages. I'm going to be putting out the first 4 pages on FA shortly (3 fillers, 1 content page) and will be posting up an additional page every week for well... 8 weeks.

Course one of the reasons why I assembled this comic was to raise money so I can continue to excusing myself from actually working, and as such I've set up some target donation amounts as follows:

$750 - About the same amount of money I would have made if I was strictly doing commissions and pumped out about 30 images (Roughly the amount of panels in the comic) So I'm hoping to get at least this much to justify the effort or I would have just been better off doing commissions.

$1000 - I'll submit all the pages of the comic to FA instead of releasing them 1 week at a time.

$1500 - I'll create another 'issue' of Enduring Technologies and go from there. This is about the level in where I'm matching minimum wage (If I was like working for a fast food restaurant) I have no clue if I'll even get close to this target, but I won't be heart broken if I don't; I accept the reality that very few artists can make a living off their art, but I'm giving it a whirl.

So there you, that's my plan. Probably a little ambitious, but I'm going to give it a shot. Either way, I do hope you all enjoy the comic once it's released from start to finish.

█ If you want to throw a gift or donation my way, visit my clean site http://bladewing.deviantart.com/ and look at the journal for the e-mail address or donate link. Pay Pal does charge like 50 cents minimum for donation transactions, so please do donate at minimum like 5 dollars if you use the link.

Also if you donate, you can have your name show up on the thank you list I'll have on the last page of the comic if you so desire.

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█ Okay, I'm getting near completion of my comic project (A month to complete? Oay I'm slow. Right then, on to the point of this particular journal!

I'm doing my best to make this whole project as 'comicy' as possible, as such I would like to do a whole Q&A thing to stuff into the back that you see in some comics. I have no clue what kind of questions should be asked or answered, but I imagine I'll pick what fits.

█ As far as the details of this comic goes, it's going to be 10 pages long; not including the title page (which is already up, but will be altered to fit the comic book type thing) and a back page. I had originally intended it to be 6 pages, but dialogue pushed everything into more pages, yadda yadda. There's about 30 panels (so really I've been like doing on picture a day on average I guess) I've poured a fair bit into this, and I'm pretty happy with the result thus far.

█ I'm not completely sure what I'm going to call the comic series or comic publisher currently. Tentatively I'm going to be calling the series "Enduring Tech" since any future comics (should I do them) would be centered around the happenings inside the facility. As for the comic publishing thing... I'm tempted to call it "The Artist Comics" since that's what I'm writing in the credits of my comic (I don't wish to use my RL name, or 'Endium.'

█ There is at least one panel that will likely be posted as it's on image down the road. (Will be easy to guess once people see the comic)

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█ I was floated a link today in where someone is in need of help, due to their friend's heart pretty much 'exploding' (artery burst and tore into the heart from my understanding)

You can read the details via links from here:
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2559801/

The thing that struck me really wasn't that the level of concern wasn't as much about if he lived or died, but about that none of this could be afforded and needed a lot of help. Yet that's the sad reality: Let your friend die, or try to keep him alive but end up in bankruptcy. From what I read, some of the cost is covered by insurance, but not all of it.

I'm not sure what I would do if I was found in such a situation. Foregoing the fact that the only way Canadians end up in medical bankruptcy is being due to out of work for an extended period of time due to being in the hospital, as all major lifesaving surgeries are covered by our healthcare... I suppose my stances on it from both sides are this:

If I was the one dying, I would rather die. While I would be indebted to the doctors that would save my life, I do not wish to live the remainder of my life literally paying off that debt; nor would I want my friends and family aiding in paying off that debt. I know that they would declare that it's their choice to take on that burden, but it's also my life. Though again, thankfully I don't have to entertain that thought because well... saving my life is covered by the government.

Though faced with a close friend dying before me, the choice would be a bit harder to make. I think in the end it would be completely dependent on what the doctor would tell me after I ask the question: "What quality of life is he going to have when he wakes up." If he's only going to wake up to suffer for a few more months or years before dying then I think I'd have to let go. On the other hand if it was "He's going to make a near full recovery" then I'd push for that. This scenario on the other hand I may have to entertain at some point down the road because some of my friends live in America; but at the same time I don't have medical guardianship over any of my American friends.

Anyways, those are my two cents on the subject and the situation currently faced by some in the community here. If you're like super wealthy, you can probably help out a bit.

█ In happier news I am getting close to finishing my comic project. I hope to get it finished sometime this week. It is certainly taking me much longer than I anticipated or hoped, even with the steps I took to try to make sure it would be easy on me to put together.