Like seriously I just don't know what to do. No matter what I *do* it's never enough. I'm in a foreign country, I don't have a stable income and I've no place to go. I went on a job hunt and got something crappy but at least it was a start. Then she said I **must** get a degree to get residence. Even though you get residence by studying for at least 6 years, where as job will get me one in 3 years. Also uni require *money*, whereas job **provides**. "I'll pay for university you have no choice" Later on now there's strikes for 5 months already, there's no classes, she's mad that I am homestuck and says I have to go find a job. Yet I can't hope for anything sustainable given uncertainty for how long I would be able to stick around there, part-time or small gigs just won't cut it. She destroying me and herself without her realizing it, or putting blame on me for it. On the "bright" side, she got a dog that also needs money to live, despite me saying how there's not much money around rn, it's a rather reckless decision to make. Do **not** get a dog. Completely ignored and one day she just came with it. Every time she complains about how "expensive" I eat, yet the other day she'd tell how I eat nothing at all. Truth be told I don't eat much. Something proper once per day maybe twice, rest is snacks. Rarely exceeding 8 euro a day

I've done a few impulsive things practically in panic, however now I'm spending most of the time working on things for a story I have. I never knew how to flesh it out. Maybe I'll do illustrated book, maybe sort of a 3D game, I don't bloody know. I'm just working on it because I feel like time is running out and I better have something to shoot with and hope for the best

*sigh*

Oh god where do I even start

As much as I hate talking to the void, I feel so much better just typing this crap out. Just so I don't spin those thoughts in my head over and over. I am also kinda pissed by people or places that, you think are precisely suitable to talk about heavy/deep topics but end up sending you off or straigh up ignoring you

I've been struggling with the fear of leaving no mark, or, fading as a nobody. This just sounds like an insanely task actually, there's literally technology to talk to fucking people from all other the goddamn world, but here I am. Ever since I drew a first ever doodle of a RIO parrot and got a "I like that" reply from a friend, I got addicted to this shit. I wanted to draw more to get those reactions. A few years later me and a bucnh of my close buds started groups where we would post our art. Cat warriors, Balto, Fox in the hood and so on. It was so fucking hurting to see everyone but me grow audiences, get interactions and stuff. "Well, I'm not good enough yet, but I'll keep trying" I said. For about ugh 4 or 5 years untill I burned out. Ofcourse I did lol. Sadly, it got me so bad I didn't just stopped posting my art but completely stopped doing it

I tried myself in other things like music, 3D moddeling and what else but ultimately, returned to digital art. And I had like 2 years to think about it thoroughly, why I came back, why I still wanna do it, what my strategy now and so forth. I said; "I came back to express myself, because I want to have a good time in the process of making art, and my strategy is to focus on telling a story while getting better at fundamentals" And I really want to believe in those words. I still do. However, I'm still haunted by this "I'm not good enough. I'm getting no traction because I'm no special. I'm not good enough" And this "not good enough" or "I didn't try hard enough" is the one of a buzz kill. No other words can throw my mood so quick so hard. And I know I came a long way, I know being such a nuisance to myself I'm trying my best with every piece that I make, those words are still hurting because of that feeling that it doesn't fucking matter how good I got or how good I'm going to get. Part of me is really afraid of going the same path many of creative people, sadly, went. I'm really afraid that even when I get to the top of the mountain, this feeling of emptiness won't go away. A few weeks ago I stumbled on a FA page of a furry artist of my childhood. One that really got me inspired to get into the furry stuff. I liked every re-shared art of their but I didn't knew what FA was even. At some point, I forgot about them. Back to the rediscovering them again, at first, it gave so much warmth and nostalgia, only to get ruined by realising that there's another tragedy involved. They went such a long journey, they were incredibly popular at a time and still considered the staple of community. Yet, they have not found happines in all of this. As much as I hate projecting others on myself, I'm just so afraid to go this way

Anyway

Don't really know how to end this yapping, ughhhh whatever I just refuse to believe I'm alone like this struggling with that kind of shit

That I got diagnosed with ADHD like a week ago or so. It's kinda funny to me that my mom won't believe what I repitedly say over and over, but will change her mind on a finger snap the moment someone else repeat my sentence. I don't know what hurting more; The fact that my problems were blatantly ignored or blamed on me being laAzZyyyY, or, the fact that my words in any shape or form has no value to my own mother. And even now when I have vague direction but nevertheless a direction she still would interfere and force her "I know better" what to do or how to live

Point is I was trying to convey. This feel of communication being completely useless and more over harmful makes me feel completely powerless

On a bright side, can't really tell if medication has any affect what so ever, perhaps I need to be more patient *ba dum tss*
Also, more art coming over. Whatever brings me down is not as strong as shear passion and desire to create art with animal people lmao

Okay so. I don't really know how to start this. I never really made a post like this anywhere, nor did I talk to someone about this openly

I am in a foreign country, I have no job, no friends no anything, all is left behind. My menthal healf is declining, I feel like it's the matter of time when the physical one breaks loose as well. I'm not trully alone, I live with my mother. We renting a small flat. Well, she does. Is all I have really. And so, our relationship is is getting worse and worse. Before the full scale war I was studying and as one can imagine I had to abandon university as we moved to a different country. We moved to the Turkey at first, and it was decided to stay in there for maximum of 1 or so years. At that time my thought was is to find whatever online courses and try to make mone online somehow. Maybe draw art or whatever. Despite the roadblocks like payment systems, tax, etc. Yeah. It didn't worked out. The online courses, which I yet to finish btw, didn't payed off. I didn't get employed or promoted despite the progress I made. And, these courses has become a subject of judgment/punishment whatever you call it. Like, the only thing she cares is the money. And the progress bar. (in the course) And I get it, I'm desperate too. But I don't get it how can she care so little about anything else. I was drawing for study for like, 6h a day 5 days a week. Then up to 8h. She comes back, asks what did I do today, I show her, she says "you could've done better", "that's not enough", "I don't like it" and so on. At first I couldn't care less, or so I told myself. The pressure started to creep in. At first it was just me drawing, with bad/heavy thoughst, (like, thoughts about what she says, or about recent argues. Then it got to the point where I can't even start working on study drawings at all, just from fear of getting another panic attack from these thoughts. It's very draining. It's already day 2, I just can't do anything. I feel numb. I just can't cope any longer with the fear and emotions I get from yelling that I spent 8 hours drawing this stupid study material to hear it's not enough. It just doesn't have any meaning to me anymore. I tried motivating myself with "it will get me hired" and so on but it's not enough anymore. Besides mom, I also have my own issues, like lack of motivation or overfixating, inability to plan and prioritize, bad sleep schedule or lack thereof. I struggled with all of this pretty much my whole life. In school, university and now. No one gave a single fuck about my problems in school, or even had a single though why I was like this. And now, when I ask myself about these same issues, they get downplayed by my own mom. "your brain is completely fine. You have nothing to worry about. You was lazy in the past, now you just have to work hard to change it". Like, how the fuck do you even know if I never got diagnosed? She can't explain why I can't sleep at nights even when physically exhausted. She can't explain why I forget to brush my damn teeth. Or why I may literally starve untill I finish something, or stress. Why I can't just do something I just mentioned. Anyway. I only have "online" friends atm, and, I wouldn't talk to them about this whole mess myself. But I had enough times people say "you migh have adhd" "you might have autism" "you definitely should get therapy/diagnosing" And, at some point I stopped denying and talked to my mom about getting therapy. I can't say if it's helping, but the guy started from "I'm not a person who can diagnose, I'm a counselor. You might want to find someone else" My mother persisted. I don't have any issues, again, I'm just lazy she says. These "fake" friends (in regard of online friends; The IRL people I can talk only online, people I met online who I know for a long time) are qoute: "Just as lazy as you, they're stupid nerds that don't know what are they talking about. Just like you" end qoute. She threatened to isolate me at some point. Mainly includes cutting off the internet so I can't communicate with friends I have. Bruh. Whatever, the main reason I even wrote this whole mess is

Again, that I'm crying for help. I just don't know what to do. The courses probably won't make me any profit, and I am yet to finish them (it's like half a year left). I can't recieve mony directly from commissions, only via friends. I also have no clue how do I even gain some people to them to buy stuff. I just don't know what to do. I'm open to do collabs or whatever we can think of some benificial help I don't know

I would appriciate any help. If you know where I can get mental care in Belgrade, plese let me know. Or if you want to draw something together. It won't be in vain

I've escaped Russia, and, as I promised, saying that I am alive and well. I have no idea when I get back to drawing, but at least now I know I can.

I hope to find a way to draw again soon, I'll be thankful if someone don't mind to purchase some