I just got back from BLFC in Nevada.. making it my fourth convention this year, woah!

BLFC was a good time, though it would have been better if I'd known anyone or had friends to hang out there with. I did meet a couple people I knew, for maybe a minute or two, otherwise I was a loner the rest of the event.

Anthrocon and Furrydelphia were definitely the highlights of the year as I got to reunite with some friends and also meet some new people I've only known online. (The clash between sizes of both conventions, with AC being the largest in the world and Furrydelphia being a teeny, tiny event really didn't matter having good friends to attend them with 💜)

It's got me thinking that I might not attend conventions on my own anymore. It'll be more expensive and a pain in the butt, but I'll probably only go to events now that I know friends will be attending. That, or I have to heavily persuade them to attend my local conventions :P

Anyhow, I'm all set to go to Further Confusion 2026 in January. So I'm [hoping/i] to see certain people there haha. Next year will likely be my last FC for both the price.. [i]$1000 for the hotel room alone.. just for myself! and that I'll hopefully be moving to Nevada by the second half of 2026. California is too expensive and it's lost its luster.

There's sort of a mid-fall update. Thanks to everyone who still watches me.

It's been a couple weeks now since I've gotten back from Philadelphia. This is by far the farthest I've traveled for a convention, the complete other end of the continent! (Passing AC by about a three hour drive)

It was a fun little event I finally got to meet two longtime friends and host them at their first convention. I got to see them both draw and that was very cool.

The venue was nice and small, and didn't require going out into the city of Philadelphia.. Much less nice than Pittsburgh. Someone pulled the fire alarm at the hotel so I got to walk down 24 flights of stairs.. twice haha.

The next convention I'll be going to is BLFC in Reno this October. I'll probably make another journal about that when it's closer to the time.

I'll be attending Furrydelphia next week. It's a very small scale event, but in the chance anyone who watches me attends, you can find me there.

Does AC stand for Anthrocon, or Absolute Chaos? It turns out both are accurate!

I wasn't exactly prepared what to expect. The largest convention I've attended prior to AC was Further Confusion earlier this year. In perspective, Anthrocon is almost three times as large as FC! The current numbers are showing a record attendance of over 19,000, making it the largest furry convention in the world. Woah.

Honestly, I was not expecting Pittsburgh to be such a beautiful city. It reminds me of Northern California with all of the trees and nature mixed with all of the urban areas. The convention center is also spectacular and has a fantastic view right on the river.

I was lucky to get a hotel quite literally across the street from the convention center, sharing with one room mate whom is local to the area. Throughout the weekend I got to meet a lot of good friends and favorite artists I follow

I got to see so many wonderful and creative costumes, both furry and other fandoms. Also I attended some choice panels that piqued my interest :b

Would I attend another Anthrocon in the future? Probably not. I had a fantastic time, but with the hassle of traveling, (nearly two full days of travel, to and from), social anxiety (overcrowding), and overall -cost- of everything. I'll really need to be convinced to do a return trip.

As for my next convention, I will be going back to Pennsylvania for Furrydelphia near the end of August <:

Hello watchers.,

So uh, yeah. I'll be attending what's currently the largest furry event in the world! Haha. I'm sure there will be some of you attending given the size of attendance. If you happen to recognize the character on the badge, feel free to say hello. c:
I am at last at the construction process with my fursuit maker. I'm hoping that It will be complete and I'll receive it in time for Anthrocon, but it is all just a chance.

Yesterday, June 7th, was the day my father had his funeral. It was a good event, I got to see my sister and my grandparents. A lot of great things were said about him and a lot of good memories were shared too. I still can't believe he's gone and I miss him.

April and May I've been traveling to Northern Nevada to look at apartments to rent. I'm planning by the end of next year (2026) to be finally out of California and into my own living space. Ultimately the goal is to focus more on myself and reduce the stress and depression I have now at home.

Oh yeah, June is pride month. Happy gay month from an asexual transfem. Another huge part of moving out on my own is the fact that I can start actually -being- transfem without judgement from family members. Although, I do regret never coming out to my father before he passed :c

That's about it for now.

Yesterday I received a call from my grandmother. My father was found in his apartment, on the floor, already gone. I can't believe it's true. My dad was so much more than just my parent. He was one of the most supportive friends in my life, we would go on trips together, and I loved just casually hanging out with him.

He's gone too soon, at fifty nine years of age. They believe it was an aneurysm, instant- no suffering. He's had multiple sclerosis since his mid twenties and his condition was slowly progressing (thankfully medication had slowed the progress). I'd ended up being sort of his caretaker for the last fifteen years, helping him with errands and running groceries and hospital appointments, and whatnot. That didn't stop him from being a fantastic father. And I consider the relationship we had as a strong friendship more than anything.

I know he's in a good place, but I still can't believe it. Thank you so much for all the time we spent together dad. You're awesome, and I can't ask for a better father. Rest in peace.

Hey everyone.

Things have been really crummy across the world so far this year, huh?

I really dislike Twitter/X.com, but it seems to be the most common website that everyone is on. I've been hearing about alternatives popping up like Pillowfort and Mastodon, but those didn't really seem to go anywhere. I'm getting really tired of the constant flow of diarrhea-doodoo on Twitter. 90 percent of what I see is negativity, hostility towards others, and worst of all- politics.

I've continued subjecting myself to the website's nonsense for the other slim percentage of great artwork, information about conventions, and updates from friends.
I need to know, are there any other social media sites that that are mostly populated, active, and lacking on the negativity and politics front? If so, please let me know!!

I do want to preface, I flat out refuse to use Instagram or The blue butterfly website. Aside from those, again, let me know!

Firstly, tag blocking. The feature was long overdue to be implemented, but it's here now and I couldn't be more thankful. 🙏🙏

Next, Further Confusion 2025!
I will be staffing this year, and likely will for continue for years to come. This will be my ninth year of attendance and it's crazy to think that this all started back in 2014. Last year was easily my most memorable experience. I got to host a couple friends from out of the area, and I've gotten to meet a sizable amount of friends I've only known through social media. If you're going to FC and would like to meet, please reach out!

Just a heads up, this isn't good news.

———

I hadn't seen my cat for a day, she's an outdoor cat. This morning, I found her in my front yard, laying down in a patch of dirt. She was barely conscious and her limbs were all limp. I didn't know what was wrong with her, so I tried to feed her. She wouldn't take any food. I put her in my car and I drove her to the animal hospital. They did some testing and she apparently had a stroke. She wasn't making a recovery and she eventually fell unconscious. They said it was unlikely that she would wake back up.

It was way too sudden. Just a couple days prior she was laying down beside me and receiving pets, generally being a happy kitty.

She lived to be 14 years and she was a pretty fuzzy fuzz. She was the first and only cat I've ever owned.
I'm going to miss her. :c

Ha ha vent post.

In short, fellow Millennials, we were given the crud end of the stick, haven't we?

I'm currently feeling stuck in a gigantic pit that I can't pull out of. I'm in my late 20s, still living at home, still single, stuck in California. My current living situation is less than ideal. I basically have a single bedroom to call my living space, and the folks I house with, mainly my mother, are difficult to live with. She has BPD and takes her negativity out on me regularly. It's a mental disaster for me being on the Autism spectrum.

I've developed some severe anxiety during my mid teens and am still taking medication to control it. These mix of disabilities unfortunately make me fragile to overstimulation, and when that happens all I can do is shut down and block everything out. I currently work a part time minimum wage job, which I'm proud to say I've been excelling at for the past five years. Remarkably, I feel more at ease at my job than I do at home. The downside is, due to risking overstimulation, I'm not able to work full time :/

With my current income, I can't even rent as much as a studio apartment without significant financial support. Moving to another state is an option I've looked into, but even so, the housing market has skyrocketed so high that it's near impossible for a single person to live without having near two full time jobs.

I feel stuck, and my mental health is degrading the more I spend time in this toxic environment. I just want to get out and actually start living my life instead of just "surviving."

Thoughts keep recurring where I want to just drop everything and move. But I fear that I'd exhaust any savings I've accumulated through the past years just to survive on rent and food alone, and potentially be homeless once that's all gone :<

I honestly feel like life is passing me by and I'm not able to do anything about it.

Put the phone away
Close your web browser
Everyone is divided
There's too much negativity
It's a literal brain poison
Don't do this to yourself
You deserve better.

I am going to save more of my money the next following months.

My favourite artists open commissions and make very interesting YCHs.

Hahaha, goodbye money!

With the ongoing rise of AI generated artwork, it's getting more and more difficult to tell what is made by a person and what's not. I came across a Twitter post earlier this morning and it was a good piece of digital art. But, it turned out to be computer generated. The only reason I knew this was from all of the replies hazing the author for using a generated image. Lots of people can tell right away when they see an AI generated piece, but for me, I really can't distinguish with most images. What are some of the giveaways that make them stand out? What are the things you look for that tells you "A person did not make this."

Keep in mind that I am on the spectrum. Certain things aren't obvious to me as it is with neurotypicals. I'm trying to train myself to pick out AI artwork when I happen to come across it.

Beautiful, clean city. Friendly people all around, very pedestrian friendly, great public transit system. Every skyscraper was incredibly neat to see. Our Airbnb was an old home on the suburban outskirts of Etobicoke and there was so many quirky things wrong with it, the only complaint about the trip. One being the massive rainfall which cut power to the whole city for a few hours, and discovered that the house we were staying at had a ceiling leak in the kitchen. Yikes.

Niagara falls was something on its own entirely and was incredible. I honestly thought the waterfalls would be taller than they stood, but that's the only semi-negative thing on my mind. All of the resorts there were beautiful, Ontario side. My friend and I went up the Skylon tower and did the view behind the waterfall in those old maintenance tunnels. That was incredibly neat to see.

I honestly wanted to throw my passport in a dumpster somewhere and not get on the plane back to the US. It really takes a week somewhere else to realize what's wrong with where you're living. I would consider dual citizenship if it wasn't such a hassle :<

I'm going to Toronto, ON on the week of July 14th, and will be taking a side trip one night to Niagra falls, ON! Toronto is a city I've always wanted to visit, behind Vancouver. I was going to follow up the trip by going to Vancouver, BC two weeks after Toronto, but unfortunately those plans fell through. :c I'm incredibly excited to see the city and the view of the falls.

I'm curious, if anyone following me is in the Toronto or Niagra falls area, are there any local spots you would recommend for sightseeing and restaurants?

Apparently it's against FA's TOS to upload artwork that's been made with the assistance of AI. I suppose it's fair for the time being with all of the stigma against it. Yet at the same time it's limiting an art form. Iffy topic, but as someone who's been generously gifted some fanart of my character with AI artwork, I can't help but feel it's wrong that I'm -strongly- compelled to not share it online.

That's all I will speak of this topic, and I will not discuss it any further.

There is no such thing as "forgive, but not forget".

You either forgive and make amends, or you don't forgive at all. It's a very toxic standpoint. If you are forgiving, but not forgetting, you're worse a person than somebody who does not forgive outright.

It was around mid-fall/early winter when I decided to quit using marijuana. It would heighten my anxiety and generally make me feel terrible the last few times I recall doing it.

I'm thinking thoughts that make me anxious. For those who do not know, I've grown up Lutheran Christian. I went to church nearly every Sunday, went to a private Lutheran Christian school, and have been, and remain with my religion. (Although I wouldn't consider myself a -practicing- Christian, I don't even remember the last time I've been to church, that's aside the point.)

I feel as if being transgender would be going against my religion, and not only that, I may want to change my name to fit my gender down the line. I'm named after my father, and I feel like changing my name would be disrespectful to him, and I really respect my father. He's a great man and tolerates all of my BS.

I'm wondering, are there any other Christian Transgenders out there who can give me any advice or support?? I'm feeling as if being who I am is not the -correct- thing to do :c

Straight, I'm coming to accept the fact I'm a fatfur and have come to find I am transgender.

The past half year or so I've been thinking about how awesome and incredible all of my trans friends are, and how they get to live their life how they are. Those thoughts lingered in my mind and kept me second guessing myself as -myself- the more I thought about it, the more I get a funny feeling inside of me. It's a bit of a sharp turn for me, but it just feels correct. I've already picked out a new fem name that I enjoy, have a new sona in the works that I already really resonate with. And to those of you who I've spoken with over Discord about these perplexing feelings, I am very thankful for you. I am now Shayne. She/Her/They

As for the fatfur thing.. man, I just really love tummy art. I've pushed the negative connotation out of the back of my mind that "Ooohh, You're enjoying fetish art." Fuck that, I can like big tummies cause they're adorable and make me feel happy, and make me giggle like a silly school girl.

That's about all.
Everee/Shayne

I don't anticipate anyone caring about this, but 🤷‍♂️ Say what you want about X.com, or twitter, whichever you prefer calling it. But after several "This website is dying" posts, it just gets exhausting and irritating. Yeah, the first time I had some thoughts, but when that turned out to be a load of crap, then the second round started.. then the third.. fourth.. so on, I'm not listening to any of it. X.com is not going anywhere. I'm also definitely not going to be joining those sketchy hastily made replacement websites (cohost/bluesky/mastodon etc.) Well, there you go.

How many of you will be going to FurCon the next couple weeks? I'm so happy and excited my local con is starting up again after a couple years of Covid shutdowns!

It's been a while.
Last journal was about talking about how I needed a break from the same routine. Shortly after that, I've unfortunately gone through some of the worst panic/anxiety attacks of my life. Say what you want about panic/anxiety attacks, but it was nearly a month or two of a constant feeling that death was right behind me. I was in an altered state of mind that I've never felt so strong before, and it was a living hell. The first and second experiences were the worst. I would wake up in the middle of the night with my lower half of my body entirely numb. I lost vision in my left eye for about ten minutes in a panic the first night. Since that day during the final week of June, it was the worst. I felt I was put into a completely alternate reality. For many days I would have trouble sleeping, waking up in the middle of the night panicked with the same numbness in my body. One night closing at work I clearly remember yelling at myself while vacuuming, feeling as if there were a demon taking control of my brain. I've gone to a doctor to get a diagnosis, but everything was fine with me physically, so mentally was the issue. I started taking my anti-anxiety medication again, and after a month and a half, I think it subsided the effects. Not quitting those a second time. I can feel with feeling drowsy if it means I don't have to experience that hell again.
On a lighter note, I've developed tinnitus. I don't know exactly if it was an effect from the stress I was enduring, but I'll never be able to experience pure silence again 🤷‍♂️. It was torturous when it began, the ringing would prevent me from sleeping, but I think I've gotten used to it over time. When it's silent, now I just think "Oh yeah, that's there."
I'm never one to weigh myself or really care about my size, as long as I'm not obese, but many of my peers at work and some family have been asking if I've lost weight over the past several months. It turns out after that physical with the stress, I'd lost over 40 pounds since my last physical the start of 2020. So I guess I have that going for me too

I hope everyone has had a happy holiday and year, and the best to everyone with the year ahead of us.

For the past couple months I've had the thought in the back of my mind to once a month go on a little staycation. Spend the day in a town within driving distance, stay the night in an inexpensive (but not cheap) hotel, completely disconnect from my stress at home, and just do my own thing. Going to Blfc really drove the nail into this decision. I experienced all of that during those five days and it took a lot from my mind. I've already booked a room somewhere for this coming Tuesday, and I'm thinking the change of scenery will be really good for me.

I just got back yesterday morning. I went with very low expectations after everything that happened last year, but I was pleasantly surprised with how nice it was this year. I was by myself most of the time and sort of wish I'd had someone to spend the time with. If anything, that's my only complaint. I enjoyed myself otherwise and it was a nice needed change of pace.