As the title says, I'm still in need of a room for AC2025. Any moots have room space available?

Okay, so I need to update people on what's been going on in my life. I'll keep this brief.

First, I wasn't able to get the registration for AC that I wanted. In retrospect, that's small cookies, but I couldn't have known that at the time. My sentiments and statements still hold true - it's the one vacation I get a year and not being able to make the most of it is still a swift kick in the teeth.

Shortly thereafter, the US presidential election happened. And that really sent me into an emotional tailspin and I'm still having occasional panic attacks over what's going to be happening. My fears have only grown since then - that motherfucker apparently is talking about annexing parts of Mexico, Canada, and fucking Greenland.

Then my best friend's uncle died. Then a few days later, his father was hospitalized, neglected and abused by the hospital, discharged illegally, then died.

Then my father died.

And my stepmother may be trying to lock me out of any inheritance because my dad didn't make a will.

So it's been very rough, emotionally, for me lately. Some days I'm more level-headed than others, but I'm still processing a lot right now. I have a lot of support from my coworkers, family, and friends in the area. I'm...not okay honestly. But I know I *will* be okay eventually, if that makes sense.

I'm home from visiting my family for thanksgiving. The good news is that no political stuff or anything came up, was just a nice extended family dinner.

Mostly.

For some odd reason, my aunt decided that she wanted to prod me as to why I haven't attended college yet. My answer of, “I'm closer to retirement age than to high school age, and I'd never recoup the money dropped on attending” did nothing to dissuade her. Then she immediately dismissed the second reason of my ADD with a, “That's a nice excuse”. And so on. Then she gave the story about how she, a woman that's always had her life in order, was able to go to college when she was in her mid-30's and quadruple her income.

And like, this isn't the first time I've been hounded like this about attending college, but it's usually from my father. And every time it's brought up, it feels like I'm on a whole different planet than the person talking to me about it.

Or am I the crazy one here? Because I honestly don't know that much about college. I have some faint ideas about it from conversations I've had with people and occasional references to it on TV sitcoms. But I get the impression that it's a lot of hard work, is very expensive, takes a long time (longer for certain other topics), and then you have to find relevant work in the field you chose to study.

And of course there's a lot of other steps I kinda glossed over. But that seems to be the gist of it. Meanwhile, everyone else seems to act like college is just a vending machine that you walk up to, swipe a credit card, and receive a token treat or something. “Oh yeah I went to college when I was 33, and I quadrupled my income!” I wish I were exaggerating, but that's verbatim what just she said to me. As if it were that easy. Just walk up to a big building, scream out, “Hello I'd like one college please!” and then being buried in cash like a slot machine that just hit a jackpot.

Am I the only person that's under the impression that there's more to it than that? Like, figuring out what the hell you want to study in the first place? Then figuring out if there's any future employment in that field of study? Figuring out if you're any good at it? Finding a college that offers a program for that? Maybe try to find a college with a reputation for excelling in that field of study? Coming up with about a half-million dollars to pay for it? Figuring out how to actually do it if you're the sort of person that didn't perform well in school in the first place (C- GPA)? Figuring out what college in their right mind would even take you with that sort of GPA?

I'm just saying that college was probably never in the cards for me in the first place. And repeatedly asking me why it never happened, when no foundation was ever built up for this thing to happen for me, just seems ignorant after this conversation has been run through a few times. The answers are the same today as they were 20 years ago.

Get me the hell out of here. I feel like I'm trapped, like the walls in my tiny apartment are closing in around me. I need to get out. I don't think I'll survive what's to come. I don't think many of us will. In fact, I'm sure of it.

*Warning - much profanity ahead*

Okay I'm fucking pissed. Just got home from work, saw the shoutout that AC reg was starting today, so I log in and...already fucking sold out of supersponsors. Already sold out. In less than six hours. The FUCKING REGISTRATION SOLD OUT. Is this what it's come to now? In the future, I'm going to have to take a day off work specifically so I can register to AC, because it's not bad enough we have to do that sort of shit for hotel rooms too?

This isn't okay. I'm not going to be okay. Fuck no! I get one (1) fucking vacation a year, and that's AC. I don't get a lot of time off work. I don't have heaps of disposable income. I don't get the luxury of "just go to another con". There ISN'T another con. I go to AC because it's semi-local to me. I can drive there. If I attend another con, it's all the same expenses, if not more, plus airfare and needing extra time off work for the travel. I don't have that sort of money. I can barely afford the one convention.

And at the one convention? I'm working most of it anyway. Each day I get up, shower, gear up, and go wander around and take photos for hours. Go get lunch, come back to the room for a refresher shower, get my gear on and go back out to take photos for hours. Dinner time, get food, go back out and get more photos for another hour or two. Come back to the room, start offloading photos onto external hard drives, set up batteries to recharge overnight, go to sleep. Wake up the next day to do it all over again. Spend all weekend on my feet behind that camera. The only time I get to relax is a handful of events like the fursuit dance comp and the talent show. Those are the only times I sit still and actually relax all weekend. That's my one luxury I afford myself. I get front-row seats to a handful of exciting events I want to see in person. No I don't want to fucking sit all the way in the back or watch it on the TV in the hotel room like I had to do in 2023. I'm working all weekend, and I just want one fucking decent thing for myself. Just ONE fucking thing to make it worthwhile and be able to enjoy the weekend. Hell I don't even think I could use the phrase, "is it not too much to ask for?", since I literally pay out several hundred dollars for the privilege in the first place so it's not like I'm "asking" for anything.

That's it. That's all I get. And apparently I don't even get that anymore. I'll return from AC, my feet and legs sore, sunburned, gigabytes of photos to process and work on for months, but without the luxury of being able to do the one fucking thing I go there to do.

I'm livid. Not at any person or the system, it's just a fucked situation. I'm pissed. I'm disheartened. I'm discouraged.

Just double-checked my registration, made sure it is active. Got my voting address, told my job to not schedule me that day because I'll be voting. I'm all set.

It won't be the first time in my life that I'm voting to keep n*z1 people out of power, and it won't be the last. But by god do I hope it's such a rout that they get the message and flee the country. To hell with every treasonous bastard.

The community has lost a pillar. Dragoneer was incredibly important to organizing the community and to the countless furs that got their start on this website. The fandom would be radically different than what we know it for today, were it not for him. In fact I dare say all of our lives, and our trajectory and experiences through the furry fandom at large, were all touched by him.

I met Dragoneer briefly at Anthrocon many years ago (around 2010 I think). I took the opportunity to thank him for making the website. Now I'm grateful I had the opportunity to do so. I'm deeply saddened by his loss.

So a friend of mine invited me to an informal get-together during the convention. As far as he knew, there was no “official” photographer to document this, and he very kindly thought of me and invited me to be there. I showed up, greeted everybody there, started chatting with them. Turns out that the guy organizing the meetup did actually arrange for a photographer to be there, but he hadn't shown up yet.

Until this individual arrived, everyone was free to do as they pleased! So I got some really great photoshoots with several of the suiters - we got pairs, we got solo shots, we got groups, we got action shots! We were having a blast! And yet I still felt like I had so much more I wanted to do, but the official photographer showed up at that point. With all professional courtesy and politeness, I said farewell to the suiters and let them know that I should leave because the official guy was there. Etiquette demanded that I leave him to his business, as it was his event now, and it'd be extremely rude for me to interfere, attempt to override, or poach shots from his event.

All-in-all I spent about 25 minutes doing all sorts photos there before I left. The official guy showed up, was apparently done in like three minutes, and left.

I really don't know who the photographer was. And I don't care to know either - this isn't a callout journal. But I cannot imagine being invited to cover an event and spending so little time there. Even if the understanding was that he was only there for a group shot, was it unreasonable to expect him to ask everyone there if they wanted more than just that? I'm always asking fursuiters if there's more photos they want, and I'm just some doofy hobbyist.

But I left that room expecting that my friends would be taken care of with great photos and memories of the get-together. And I'm honestly offended on their behalf that, that isn't the experience they got. Had I known this would have been the result, I would have stayed and waited for the professional to finish and leave, then I could continue doing photos with the suiters. I got maybe half of the photos I wanted to, before the official guy showed up. It was a veritable gold mine of opportunities with a wide variety of creatures - each of whom all had fun ideas they wanted to see come to fruition. And none of it was acted upon. Lesson learned: I need to stay and make sure everyone gets the photos they want >:|

I suppose this is all for venting my frustration, because I feel like I gave up a lot of opportunity and my friends would have wanted me to stay if this was the outcome. It really feels like every convention, there's one standout scenario where I tell myself in retrospect, “I should have known better”. And it stings every time.

Side note semi-related; AC is just so freaking big now! I hardly got to see my friends at all this year. And every year that's always been true to some extent, but it seems especially bad now. Everyone is just lost in the crowd. And every time I had an idea that required some open space and I tried to take a fursuiter to an area of the DLCC that historically was devoid of people, only to find that it was flush with people milling about. It's so hard to find friends without prearranging it, and so hard to find a quiet spot to get photos of them :(

So I'm back and wanted to go over some tidbits from the convention.

--Stuff that went well

*The convention in general was great fun. I saw a lot of people, took a lot of photos, got lots of hugs, and it was a great emotional boost for me personally.

*Met a lot of new friends. Handed out a bunch of business cards to interested parties and I've already been contacted by two of them wanting to see their photos. Always psyched to see people excited for what I do!

*Got invited to be the "unofficial" photographer for a little get-together. It was a lot of fun, I got a lot of great photos, and wanted to get a lot more, but it got cut short by the official photographer showing up. Etiquette demanded I leave at that point and give the official photographer the room to do what he was brought in to do. I couldn't have known it at the time but let's just say that might not have been the best decision for all involved. That will probably end up being it's own journal entry at some point. But suffice to say that I enjoyed the time I got there and I hope to do more stuff like that in the future!

*Finally saw the Bandit Heeler fursuit in person. Although it was only once and very briefly. It's a super adorable suit and I wanted to see more of it both this year and last, but somehow fate just didn't time anything well in that regard.

*But something fate DID time well was running into a certain friend I hadn't seen in five years. I was elated to meet him there; I didn't even know he was going.

*Introduced a few other photographers to the Furtrack website

*Took part in the Furtrack meet & greet, which was nice. Met a fan of my work there :)

*The Purple photoshoot went great!

*Loved the fursuit dance comp! (the one couple made me cry, if you saw the dance comp you know exactly who I mean)


--Stuff that didn't go well

*I had hastily replaced my camera before the convention. Due to a long series of issues with Nikon that are not that interesting to go into, I wasn't able to actually obtain the camera until about three weeks before the convention. I didn't really have time to practice with it.

*Due to a long series of issues with Nikon that are not that interesting to go into, I wasn't able to get a lens for the camera until a few days before the convention. I didn't really have time to practice with it.

*This also meant I was fairly stressed during the convention, because I didn't have the sort of operational experience with my equipment to know if the photos were coming out well at all. Or further, if I was getting the most out of my equipment that I could.

*Furthermore, due to all the issues with Nikon, I didn't have the opportunity to get a secondary lens for my camera. Which meant I had to utilize a 2.8 28mm prime lens for everything. It's a good lens and I think I did well with it, but there was a lot I couldn't do due to a lack of a zoom. I would have gotten an adaptor for my previous zoom lens, but again, issues with Nikon would have meant immense delays and I wouldn't have it for the convention anyway.

*I found that I really didn't need my external flash for most of the photos I wanted to take. I used it a bit Weds/Thurs and found that it does not work well AT ALL, no matter the angle I use, if I'm close to the target. And with only having a 28mm prime, I was pretty close to the target most of the time. So I started just leaving the flash behind, which worked well MOST of the time, until I came upon a situation where I really needed filler flash and didn't have that handy. Lesson learned, unfortunately - should have kept the flash with me regardless.

*I found out only a few days before the convention that I had accidentally killed off two of my camera batteries, leaving me with just two other batteries to work me through the convention. Having to juggle their use and ensure at least one was charging at all times was annoying but I mostly worked through it. I only really ran into dead battery issues twice over the 5-day weekend which isn't bad considering the circumstances. I did order more batteries when I found out about the issue, but again, was not able to get them before the con.

*Due to a recurring glitch in the SCHED app, I missed an event I would have liked to see. But...it did afford me the opportunity for a photoshoot that went well, so it feels a bit like an even trade.

*New camera has massive picture size. And the old way I used to store photos is not really viable. I'll need more external HD's in the future and all that, but in the future I'll need to change how I store my photos long-term.

Speaking of photos-


By the numbers

*Total space taken up by photos: 448 GB

*Photos taken
Weds: 685
Thurs: 1420
Fri: 2263
Sat: 2093
Sun: 1737

Typically my editing process culls roughly 90% of the total. This is for good reason - for one good shot, I'm typically zooming in and out a few times, taking several shots to make sure autofocus does not screw me over again, adjusting F-stop perhaps, and taking a picture of the name tag for reference. So yes, about each one "shot" that gets posted has around 9 that are not posted. So for all those photo numbers, move the decimal point over one space, and that's roughly how many finished photos we should expect from each grouping.

Fully uploaded to Flickr as of this evening. Full album here: https://www.flickr.com/photos/99893.....77720311087008

So yes, I know we are mere weeks away from AC 2024. I've yet again fallen behind. I'm not going to keep beating myself up over this, but I do acknowledge it's a thing. It's one of those "if it were not for the last minute I'd never get anything done at all!" things which I could probably get under control if/when I get medicated for my ADD. In the meantime, that last-minute frantic pace has allowed me to do a fairly decent amount of work on photos in the past weeks. Is there hope for me to finish them all before AC? I don't know, but I am still trying.

I still have to do Saturday and Sunday pics. Saturday looks like it's my largest haul of photos out of the weekend. Wednesday was 234 photos but only 35 made the final cut to posting. Thursday was 700/132, and Friday was 1221/240. Saturday I took 1260 photos and a good chunk of that was during the public meet and greet after the parade. Sunday was 967 photos. We'll see how long that all takes to complete.

So I just got back from my trip to see the eclipse. It was an amazing event, so glad I made the time to witness it. I saw it with  senkolke and  sabrettiger who happened to live in the path of totality! So I flew out to hang out with them over the weekend, watch the eclipse in their backyard, and then flew home today.

I took a time-lapse video of us in the yard, because I wanted to remember the experience and the people I was with. In hindsight, I'm not so sure it was the best idea. Senko mentioned that he preferred getting at least one photo of the eclipse himself, because it would forever be *his* photo of it. And damn that is a good point. And my time-lapse did not really go as expected - the settings did not update over time, so during the eclipse it's basically complete black. So even just looking at it as a time-lapse of the event, it doesn't even work well as such. Other time-lapse videos I've seen on Twitter did auto-adjust for darker settings so you can actually see what's going on.

In summary, I am feeling like I kinda fucked up the last opportunity I'll ever have to actually photograph a total solar eclipse. But the important part is that I was there, and saw it with my own eyes, and celebrated the moment with friends old and new!

I have the aforementioned time lapse video uploaded to Flickr. https://www.flickr.com/photos/99893.....in/dateposted/

I'm in a better spot, mentally, than I was a few months ago. I'm not quite where I need to be, but I'm happy for the progress I've been able to make.

I can finally break past the inertia and start getting work done again. Although I'm still not sure exactly how I want to proceed. In short - I used to utilize Twitter to cross-post and notify people that their photo was posted, since most people were on Twitter. I posted lower-res .jpg versions of photos to Twitter to make it load faster on people's cell phones (and not hit their data limit as hard), and used Flickr to post full-res .png.

But, times have changed.

It feels like FurTrack is where people go to find their photos now? Maybe? And I don't think Bluesky has the user population that Twitter had, so I don't think it's a realistic replacement for notifying people of their photos. So do I just use Furtrack for that, and reserve cross-posting (in this case, referring to Bluesky and FurAffinity) for the occasional photo that I really gush over?

That's kind of what I'm leaning towards, but I haven't really settled on a final answer yet.

In other, very positive news, I've got plans in place to see the solar eclipse in April. Super excited about that! No I won't be doing photos for that - special moments like that need to be lived in that very moment, not experienced from behind a viewfinder.

It's difficult for me to write this. Not for the least of which being my ADD, but more on that later. But also because a lot of the topics covered within still burn, and there's a lot of material to cover so it'll be a long read for anyone bold or bored enough to read through it all. Atop all that, it is going against my nature as a person that is normally more private about matters. In a more perfect world, I could be sitting down with a therapist every so often to help cope with my mental health issues, but that just isn't the reality I get to deal with.

I am not well. Just going to be blunt and straightforward with that. I suffer from depression, and have for most of my life. It's not treated, because of how difficult and expensive it is to get mental help depending on where you live. It's also something that isn't easily treated at all in my case - or get anything treated, since I have ADD. I was diagnosed when I was a child in elementary school, and back then I was treated with Ritalin. However since life sucks and crap happens, I haven't been on medication for my ADD since the mid-90's. And lastly I'm pretty sure I'm on the autistic spectrum, but I need to talk to a professional to be sure and get a diagnosis.

My ADD has been getting worse as I get older. Things I used to easily handle now slip through my fingers on a regular basis. It both frightens and saddens me.

The rest of my life isn't going any better. Something I've been trying to do for about 10+ years now is put less emphasis on doing conventions in favor of visiting friends and hanging out in more casual settings. But I was never able to get a circle of friends or acquaintances to make visiting people a regular occurrence like I've wanted. Making new friends has been severely difficult as an adult, especially when //some people decide to call me a stalker for daring to try to talk with them//.

I've got a few friends that do include me in things. You guys know who you are, and I hope you realize how appreciative I am of it, and how important you guys are to me. The problem is that some friends are far away and traveling is expensive. More on that in a bit.

One other aspect of my life that has fallen flat has been trying to secure a decent house to live in. Home ownership isn't really a big goal of mine generally speaking, but rent keeps skyrocketing to the point where my apartment has doubled in price over the past four years. I can't find anything else really cheaper unless it's out in the sticks and wholly removed from civilization, and I'm not in a position in life where I can expect to make much more money than I do already.

I've been trying to find a small house to buy for the better part of five years now and prices *started* out of my range and way beyond any connection to reality, and have only gone up from there. I genuinely don't know what I'm supposed to do to move forward or even just stay financially afloat long-term anymore. If my rent keeps going up, I may not be able to afford to stay here anymore *and it's the cheapest place in the area*. I'm already at the point where rent and other life necessities are so expensive and inflated that I'm not really saving money like I used to; so I can't even take solace in saving up more money for when I do find an opportunity to move out. I've been renting because it's supposed to be cheaper than a mortgage and using that time to save money for a down payment. And that shit just ain't happening.

And this is where the trifecta really hits. Conventions, I'm down to one a year and only because I can drive to it because I can't afford to travel to get to one. Friends I'd love to visit, but can't afford airfare or driving 20+ hours and wasting entire *literal* days driving just to spend the same amount of money on gas anyway. And housing I can't afford and my rent keeps going up. I feel like my life has basically hit a dead-end in almost every aspect and money is a large part of why it's like that.

There are times where my depression spirals out of control and it's all my mind will fixate on. Every thought is a dark one, spiraling around a drain of despair and anxiety. A whirlpool of dread and anxiety that sucks the life out of me and the few things I cling on to that still bring me some happiness. It's hard to pull myself out of that, but even when I do, it's more of a temporary measure - I am always on the cusp of this whirlpool, always just one push back into the descending spiral.

This unfortunately manifests in my inability to get photos processed in a decent timeframe. Well, moreso the general photos, I think I still do better with scheduled photoshoots, for whatever that's worth. It's hard sitting down and trying to concentrate on photo editing with the ADD, with pilings-on of feelings of not being good enough, the photos not being as good as a lot of other people's, knowing that I really can't afford to upgrade equipment anymore, and literally the fact that I'm late posting them is just being another kick in the stomach to make me feel like shit about it anyway.

It didn't help that I also made a bunch of temporary changes and interruptions to the photo stream, which meant I had folders of random sets of photos all over the place - some finished, some not. And trying to figure out where they all need to go, get resorted, delete duplicates, and clean up my timeline? I tried so many times, and each time I looked at the task and just whimpered, “I do not have the spoons for this today”.

And what made 2023 especially awful was a lot of circumstances surrounding Anthrocon itself. For this section, I want to state something very clearly and immediately. What I'm about to say isn't about spilling tea, stirring up drama, doing callouts, or anything of that nature. Something happened which was *my fault*, but the consequences of that were not handled well by other parties involved and really got under my skin. I really didn't want to talk about this at all because I know it IS going to be construed as spilling tea or looking for a pity party, and it's nothing of the sort. It's just that I need to talk about this and get it off my chest. Because it's starting to enter my dreams and I really don't need this shit manifesting itself when I'm asleep. The consequences of talking about this will most likely be that I'm no longer invited to participate in any such thing again but since that bridge has already been crossed and burned, I really don't feel like it's something I need to worry that much about.

Okay. So, back in 2022 a group of photographers got together. They wanted to take the collection of photographers that walk around conventions and try to make it a bit more structured. I was invited by one of the members of the group and honestly it was a huge honor for me. It was just a little photography group but it was nice to be included in something since I never get invited to any of the fursuit photographer events or anything. So yeah it felt nice just to be recognized, honestly. And at the time of this writing, I am the fifth-most contributing person to Anthrocon's official Flickr group - having shared 4,322 photos over the course of 16 years of being a member to that group. It felt great to get a small bit of recognition for the contributions over the years. After all this time, it was nice to have what was essentially a quick “thank-you” and a pat on the back.

The photography group handed out some assignments on some specific things they wanted photographed. I volunteered for a few. The trouble was that I kept forgetting to make a checklist of things I needed to get done, a list I could take with me to make sure I fulfilled my assignments. As a result, I didn't get everything done. I got a few of my assignments done but not all. And of the ones I got done, not all of them even got posted in a timely manner. Some did, some didn't. Overall, I did not do good at all. I did pretty lousy, in fact.

It's the sort of thing where I really wished I'd been on ADD medication because I feel I would have been more organized and on-point if I were properly medicated. But regardless, I dropped the ball.

In the weeks and months after AC2022, I expected some harsh words or well-earned criticism to come my way (from the group). But nobody really said anything to me. Mostly it seemed to be people tallying up the objectives that got covered, and idle talk. As the months wore on and AC2023 approached, assignments were being conjured up again. They asked for a volunteer to go on the furry river cruise and that was something that really piqued my interest. As I tend to be better with scheduled shoots anyway and this was something I'd always wanted to do, I enthusiastically volunteered. A number of others also volunteered but there was only one slot for it. So my name was in the proverbial hat while the group considered who to send to cover the river cruise. But honestly I liked the idea so much I was going to buy my own ticket even if they didn't send me.

While that was going on, they decided they needed to reform the Telegram group due to a change in leadership, so they asked people to leave and wait for invites back to the new group when it gets formed. I cheerfully said I'd see everybody on the other side, I left, and they locked the door behind me and that was that.

I didn't expect the group to reform immediately, so I wasn't surprised when the invite didn't arrive that day or even the next week. I eventually got told through the grapevine, “Yeah don't hold your breath; you're not being invited back”. That's how I had to find out I wasn't a part of the photography group anymore. I wasn't talked to by anybody there, they just diverted my attention and ran the other direction as soon as I turned my back. I was ditched like a group of high schoolers going to the movies and trying to get of someone's little brother.

On a side note, it's never easy being replaced. It's a really terrible feeling and a real kick to a person's self-esteem. When I was 19, my first and only ever girlfriend decided to cheat on me with a man more than twice my age, and moved in with him after I found out. That nuked what little self-esteem I've ever had in my life and that took me six years to emotionally recover from. Her excuse was that she wanted to spare my feelings or some shit, which is a really odd thing to say after you do the worst possible thing to another person you're in a relationship with. But if you're playing tricks on people and playing head games with them, don't lie and say it's to spare their emotions; it was all to spare you the confrontation. Be honest about that much at least.

Anyway, it would be a bit of an understatement to say that I was really annoyed with the photography situation. I couldn't believe *that* was the way they decided to handle that. Like I wasn't respected enough as a human being to just be talked to directly. It's just an awful feeling to be pushed out of a group like that, especially when it's a volunteer position anyway. All I was getting out of this was a virtual, “thanks!” and even *that* was too much trouble, so that was yanked away from me. But it is so much worse to trick and humiliate a person on top of that.

You know that scene in the movie, “Office Space” where the auditors catch that a guy was supposed to be fired but still got paychecks, so he kept showing up to work? You know how they admitted all they did was fix the payroll error and said “he'd figure it out eventually” when he stopped getting paid? And they laughed at their little scheme and the audience was supposed to intuitively know these people are colossal jackasses and that's not the way to handle a situation? Did someone really watch that movie and decide that it was a good idea, actually? Because it feels like someone watched that scene play out and was rooting for the auditors.

Anyway. Fast-forwarding a bit to AC2023 itself, I had a bunch of people walk up to me and ask, “Hey, where's your badge?” Well, what badge were they talking about? Oh the photography group I got kicked out of made a bunch of embroidered badges for themselves for the second year to celebrate each other and all their hard work and fun they were having together. OH GEE HOW NICE FOR THEM (*grinds teeth*). And people walking up to me asking, “Hey, where's your badge?” happened over and over again and it just felt like being spat on the face repeatedly.

To add to my troubles, I didn't realize that supersponsorships were a limited thing at this point, so I couldn't get a supersponsorship like I did every year. That meant I couldn't get decent seating to the two events every year I actually attend, and those two events are literally the only time during the weekend I actually set aside for myself. And because nobody from the photo group was adult enough to just tell me I was excluded, I missed my opportunity to get a ticket for the river cruise, so I couldn't do that either.

So in summary when I arrived at Anthrocon 2023, this was the whirlwind of shit going on in my head - I was kicked out of the photography group in a humiliating and childish fashion, I couldn't get my usual supersponsorship and perks so I could enjoy myself at the con, I couldn't do the cruise, there's the impending doom in the housing market I can't get into and I don't know how much longer I can afford to stay in my apartment...all this and more was swirling around my head and haunting me with every step I took. It would be accurate to say that I was in a pretty bad mood. When my roommates arrived Wednesday evening, I was ready to just hand them a wad of cash for my part of the room and just turn around to go home. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to think about it, I didn't want to walk around 14 hours a day just to add more work for myself afterwards. I just didn't want anything to do with any of it.

I really had to force myself every morning to get out there to do photos. I was in somewhat of a depressive trance, idly wondering why I was even there as I walked like a zombie through the hallways of the con. Then of course came some text messages from friends of mine, wondering why I was ignoring them? Apparently they were waving at me or trying to get my attention and I completely did not notice. And the very last thing I needed was to piss off my friends on top of everything else going wrong that year. This is where my prior journal entry comes in, the one titled “emotional roller coaster”.

A confluence of stupid crap all happened. I had to force myself to look perky and happy and make sure I waved and said hello to everyone I'd ever met so they didn't think I was ignoring them. I wasn't able to attend the fursuit dance competition at all, so I tried to chat with a guy I barely knew but had said “Hello!” to repeatedly throughout the convention (see the above paragraph), and he snapped at me then took to Twitter after the convention to call me a stalker. Because precisely what I needed at that point in my life was *yet another* fucking kick to the teeth.

This is why I was so miserable and depressed during most of AC. I only really started feeling a bit better towards Friday night/Saturday morning. And in the long term I'm glad I forced myself to go through and keep doing my photo thing, but godammn even today it's hard to sit down and work on those photos for editing, with bad memories of the weekend grinding my gears the entire time.

In the end, there was very little good for me this year.
-A new friend invited me over to just hang out at his place and visit the Philly Zoo, which is exactly the sort of thing I've wanted in life and I'm so glad to have it.

-I'm looking forward to AC 2024 being better. I got my supersponsorship early so I didn't miss out. I've already bought myself a river cruise ticket too.

-But I am never participating in a photography group ever again. Not that I think that is really a concern, since you don't usually humiliate and trick people you intend to work with again, but I'm not putting myself out there again. I didn't think I could be made to feel like shit over volunteer work I do in my free time, but damn was I wrong about that.

-The guy who called me a stalker on Twitter I blocked and moved on, which is a bit redundant since Twitter has just about imploded anyway and I don't use it anymore (I'll need to update my business cards, come to think of it). I've since locked down my account and I'd have deleted it if it weren't for impersonation concerns.

Rest of life still kinda sucks though. Still have a limited social circle that's about impossible to expand upon. Housing market is only getting worse and I have no earthly idea how I'm supposed to survive the coming years. Will never have the sort of free cash to expand or upgrade my photo equipment so I'm stuck with what I've got. Still won't have the cash to visit distant friends. Still really don't know what I can really do about it. Still don't have the ability to medicate my ADD. And a lot of ADD meds are on backorder around the nation so even if I were trying to get it treated I might not be able to actually do anything about it.

Will I be okay? I hope so. I just want people to stop kicking me in the fucking teeth in the meantime.

So the past week or so has been...something. I have a lot to get off my chest, and while half of this is going to be roughly positive, the second half of it is going to be a rant. You've been warned.

I suffer from depression to start with. And when I arrived at Anthrocon on Wednesday, I was only about half into it since I had other problems pile on top the weeks leading up to AC. To start with, I was kicked out of a photography group for not posting pictures in a timely manner. As much as I hate to say it, *fair enough*. I've got problems and forgetfulness and not *actually* posting pictures is a valid reason to get kicked out of a photography group. But it really did sting. Nothing like a swift kick in the teeth to your self-esteem to really get you ready for a convention!

Then I found out I didn't register fast enough to grab a supersponsor spot for AC. Like, I had no idea those were a limited commodity now. So that meant that I would not have the ability to sit and be a part of the major events I typically show up for, like opening/closing ceremonies and the fursuit dance. The very few actual events I allow myself time to relax and enjoy, couldn't even do that adequately. So that also hurt.

Suffice to say Wednesday of the con I was not exactly in a great spot mentally. I wasn't really feeling the mojo as it were, and I had to fight to have enough energy to push myself forward and grab photos. I don't think I even felt fully committed and enthusiastic about doing con photos until probably Friday. What helped turn things around was just being able to see people. People I knew. Saying “hello” to old friends, some acquaintances from Twitter or elsewhere, or just anybody I happened to know. Fursuit hugs really did help me recover emotionally, but so did the hugs and chats I had with people I knew who weren't in suit at all. I can't name them all but if you and I chatted at all over the weekend, know that it really helped pull me out of a dark spot.

That said even those interactions didn't go perfectly either. Part of the way I fought through the cloud of depression in the beginning was to just focus on my work. Mostly because I knew if I walked away with very few photos it would only send me into a much deeper spiral of depression and self-loathing. So, I put proverbial blinders on and just went to work. Unfortunately, I had two different people come up to me and tell me they thought I was ignoring them or was mad at them, because they said hello or waved and tried to get my attention and didn't notice. Two different people said that. And I apologized profusely, tried to explain that they did nothing wrong, I was just distracted.

But it was a sort of wake-up call that I was probably putting off some bad vibes. So I resolved to shake it off by redoubling my efforts to greet all friends new and old, and chat them up when I could. I really wanted to make sure everyone knew that I appreciated them being there. Mostly this manifested as me enthusiastically greeting people in the hallway as we walked past each other. Sometimes if someone was standing idle, I would make an effort to chat with them a bit - something more than a tidbit greeting.

I'd say in general it worked. I didn't have anyone else say they thought I was ignoring them. And for my own mental health, it worked wonders in making me feel connected to all these people whom I so rarely see. I'm always trying to branch out more in the furry community in general so I can socialize with people on a more substantive basis, and perhaps even hang out with them or at least chat with them outside of conventions. I really do try to make sure people know I appreciate them as people, and not just objects that I photograph.

~_~_~_~Now here comes the rant~_~_~_~

So, I said “in general” it worked. There was one interaction that kinda ended on a bad foot. And I didn't think much of it until today. I'll explain as much as I can without naming names.

There's a fursuiter on Twitter that had repeatedly posted that they wanted to give out lots of hugs because they love all the positive attention. So at AC, when I saw them, I walked up and introduced myself. I told them who I was, that I followed them on Twitter and asked them if they still wanted hugs? Well it was quite the warm response, because they immediately pulled me into a hug. And this was no amateur hug either. They didn't just pull me in for a hug - it was like I got yanked into a vortex or an intense gravity just sucked me into them as they wrapped their arms around me tight.

I was delighted. I laughed (which I really needed), hugged them back. Took a photo or two, went on my way. And later on in the day, as I saw them again, I called out and waved. Again, this part of me already trying to make sure people didn't think I was ignoring them.

The next day I saw them in suit again, got another great hug, laughed and took some photos. Was a pretty decent time. We chatted a bit - they talked about how amazing weighted blankets were and how they could just sleep under multiple such blankets that added up to over a hundred pounds! I kinda failed to take this hint, as I later found out they were looking for someone to flop atop them as a snuggle. But I completely missed that. But no matter, it was a nice conversation, we left on good terms.

Sunday though, was a different experience. It was roughly 20 minutes before the fursuit dance competition was set to start, and I ran into this suiter again in front of the SOP ballroom. My plan was to go up to my hotel room to watch the event on the Anthrocon TV channel in the hotel, but I had a few minutes to spare, so I walked up to the suiter and said hello to them and a friend they were with. I then walked away to ask a staff member something, then walked back to this suiter. At this point the suiter turned to me and said, “Yeah I'm going to spend some time with this friend of mine, so BYE!”

Yikes. Okay, got the hint. Sorry, was just trying to chat for a minute to kill time before I left to go watch the dance comp on TV. It was abrupt but I didn't think much of it at the time. I went to watch TV in my hotel room because I couldn't get seating to watch the dance comp in person, and that was that. Since that was Sunday that was the last I saw of the suiter.

Then today this suiter posts on Twitter, and I'll paraphrase because I'm trying to keep this nominally anonymous. “OMG guys I think I have a problem! Someone at AC was following me around like they thought they were my best friend or something. What should I do?!”

So...is that a reference to me? It sounds like it is. They didn't name names obviously because otherwise I wouldn't have to speculate, but given our last interaction, it sounds like it is in reference to me. I'd love to just say they *have* to be referring to someone else but there's also other minor circumstantial things that lead me to believe they're referring to me. So what the FUCK did I do to deserve that? And hell yes I'm pissed off over it!

Like, Jesus-Fucking-Christ I actually have a circumstance where people are getting on my case both for not acknowledging them enough, while others are saying they feel I'm following them around? I cannot stress this enough - I *barely* get to talk to most people in any substantial way pretty much all year. I get to chat with people a few times during the convention, but even then, I'm pressed for time because I'm trying to capture photos of other people walking by. I have neither the time nor the inclination to “follow someone around”. Hell, even with devoting about 95% of my free time to getting photos, I somehow was not in the room for the ONE TIME the Bandit fursuiter came out to play. How in the world did the stars align for me to miss that huge opportunity?

Then the fox puppeteer guy got called out on Twitter by some fucking puriteen assholes looking for clout by pretending to do something for a noble cause, and there's all sorts of ignorant shit fallout from that and you know what...I'm just so fucking //tired//. I'm mentally exhausted from all the stupid crap. Between the other issues in my personal life that I already spoke on effecting my self-esteem, my photo equipment/software/skills apparently becoming more and more obsolete, having only one dedicated photoshoot this year that I somehow made a major mistake in, being socially isolated and also getting alluded to being a stalker when I try to reach out and connect with other people, I'm just so //done//. I just don't know if I have the energy for this anymore. I don't want to be disconnected from everybody, but apparently I can't reach out and try to make new friends either (or even just treat people decently) otherwise I get labeled as a creepy stalker.

There was a lot of good that happened at AC, too. I am desperately clinging to those memories and trying to convince myself that this is all worth it. Not to put too fine a point on a meme of all things, but I am 30 or 40 years old and I just don't have time for this shit. I'm trying desperately to try to find a house to buy and live in because rent keep skyrocketing and I can't afford the damn increases, but any basic house these days is priced like it's a luxury mansion and I'm just astonished at these asking prices and I can barely afford a shack in the middle of nowhere. I can't get more money at my job, I don't have any prospects for getting decent and affordable housing, I apparently don't have any prospects at expanding my social circle, I *really* don't have any prospects for finding a romantic partner before I die of old age.

I'm just burned out. I'm tired of feeling like I'm too late for everything good and decent in life, and getting kicked in the teeth for everything I try to do.

Okay, I'll cut a long story short: made a mistake and bought a PayPal prepaid debit card. Not the biggest problem in the world - I'll just use it. Except...I can't. I follow the instructions on the back of the card, and nothing works. I can't link it to my account, I try activating the card but the web site stops responding at a certain step. I try to use the card at the store, doesn't work. Try to use it at the ATM to wtihdraw the money I put into it, doesn't work. Does anyone have experience with these god-forsaken things so that I can get access to the money I have on this thing??

For the past few months I've been thinking about some things in my life. Major financial commitments to improve something. The big three on my mind were: new-ish car, upgrade camera equipment, take steps towards home ownership. I've got the financial resources to do *one* of these things, but not enough to do more than one. And today I found out that my car has decided for me what that will be.

My car failed it's annual inspection.

Okay, so the car has had a good run. It did right by me. I certainly got a lot of time and use out of it. It's a 1995 Toyota Camry. That's older than many of the people reading this right now Yet for all it's age, it's only got 156k miles on it (yeah I really don't drive much). I know most vehicles half it's age have four times the mileage Yet still, I was hoping for more time to consider getting a new-ish vehicle, but time is what killed it in the first place. Most of the engine stuffs under the hood are still in good working order, it's the march of time that has led to most of the rest of the car to rust to the point of failing inspection.

I got this car used in the first place. It was my Dad's, and I think even he got it used. He sold it to me for a very modest price back in 2013 in good condition. Since then I've only put about 10k miles on it. And a good chunk of that was when I decided to drive to MFF (topical!) back in like 2015 I think it was. That was a good 16-hour drive in each direction. Went well enough but something I'd still rather not repeat.

Two things I always kinda got a kick out of it, was that I drove it so little that I'd always get a deferment on the emissions inspection because I put less than 5k miles on it every year. And after a certain point, the vehicle was classified as a "classic" car by PA law strictly due to it's age. And by NO means is it the sort of vehicle you'd imagine if you told your friends you drove a "classic" car! :D

The only major work that ever needed done on it was a few years ago when the assembly keeping the muffler attached rusted through and fell off, so my muffler dropped out of place and OH GOD how loud engines really are if those mufflers aren't installed and secure.

But that ends today. In a few hours I'll be driving to various car lots and seeing what's available and in my price range.

So timing is everything apparently

I'll be in Reno, briefly, Saturday night. I'm attending a friend's wedding next week, and to get there, I'm taking a plane to Reno Saturday night. I'll have my full photo equipment with me for the wedding anyway, and I had no idea BLFC was happening this weekend until it started to fill my Twitter timeline.

BLFC isn't something I attend, so I've never kept track of it. But now that I know it's going to be right there, I'm tempted to stop in for a few hours. Unfortunately it'll be late in the night (after 10pm) and I can only stay around for a few hours before I have to depart for my friend's place (several hours away).

So I'm tempted to stop in, but I'm not sure I should. I'd love to see a few friends (in or out of suit) and hug them tight. But I've always heard of BLFC as being a pretty busy con so I don't even know if I'd find anyone I know. I have a hard enough time with that at other cons where I do literally have all day.

Okay, so I'm going to tell a story here. For it to make sense, you'll need to have played Oblivion. Yes, *Oblivion*. Not Skyrim. And furthermore, you'll have to have played the Thieves' Guild quest line through to completion.

Remember all that good stuff? Okay.

So I've got this friend. Known him since middle school. He has this...thing he does. He tends to go on and on about "oh woe is me" because he picks up on clues early on in movies and figures out any potential twists and even who will die in the big shootout at the end of the second act. It's something that kinda gets on my nerves because he's constantly going on about how it ruins movies for him, but dangit he just can't help but be so clever as to clue in on some background details and just figure everything out. I'm also kinda dubious on his claims since it's something he only ever talks about after the fact, and never during, but I digress.

So, long time ago, he's playing Oblivion, back when it was relatively new. I had already played it through and all that, so I knew what was going on. Well, he got really frustrated with the game when he encountered a game-breaking glitch. He was getting close to the end of the quest line for the Thieves' guild, and a cinematic sequence just locked his character in place, yatta yatta, can't progress. And he's telling me about how pissed off he is since he spent hundreds of hours playing, he all his backup saves were fine but every time he got to this point in the Thieves' guild, it kept breaking. And he really wanted to finish it and find out who the Grey Fox was.

According to what he read online, the glitch was known but wasn't getting fixed anytime soon. Only solution was to make a new game and start from the beginning. Something to do with "if you complete unrelated side-quest [x] before doing these quests, it breaks this sequence at [y] point".

So he's griping to me about this and how he wanted to find out who this Grey Fox guy was. So, I chime in with, "...but you did already? I don't know what you're going on about?"

He's confused, of course. When he asks me what I'm talking about, I tell him, "Yeah...a couple of weeks ago you told me you ran into one of the townsfolk and something they said gave away who the Fox is. You even told me his title, so I know you figured it out."

At this point, he's just flabberghasted. "What do you mean I figured it out? When did this happen?! Who did I talk to???"

So I just say, "Look, I don't which villager you talked to, but yeah, you figured it out. Maybe you forgot about it all? Either way, if it's this important to you, I'm not going to spoil it for you and ruin a genuinely good surprise. Chances are you'll figure it out again. I just don't want to spoil it".

He kept pestering me, but I absolutely refused to budge on it.

...

A few months later, I get a really nasty text message.

I only remembered all this because he brought it up recently. Ironically, I'd forgotten completely about it. Probably the best practical joke I've played on anyone in my life. That's probably not saying much, but I'm proud of it. I just wish I could remember it better. And no, that's not a joke.

Netflix. Is. Useless.

Every once in a while I take to Twitter to vent about how obscenely useless Netflix is. And not only is it consistently useless to the point where I cannot fathom how this company 1: dominated the market 2: stayed in business 3: still exists. But it's uselessness is a recurring phenomenon and I just can't get over how terrible this service is.

A friend of mine gave me a profile/access to his Netflix, which was extremely nice of him. He visits, we queue up something he wants to show me, we watch. Nice times. But anytime I'm inspired to watch something, I turn to Netflix only to find out they don't have it. To date, the number of things I've been able to watch on Netflix that wasn't Netflix-Original programming, totals at around 3-5. That's it.

At various points in time over the past few years, I've either had direct or indirect access to Netflix. Sometimes I'm home, sometimes I'm visiting family. But every time, there's nothing to watch on Netflix. And their original programming is top-notch, don't get me wrong. But I've already seen The Witcher and Stranger Things. And while I'm grateful for the opportunity to have finally seen Deep Space 9 all the way through, that seems to be the limit of what Netflix offers. Everything else in their library is B-movies or worse. There's nothing else on there.

I didn't have this problem when a Blockbuster existed a few blocks from my house. Their library of movies was always extensive so you could find something you'd want to watch. But when I visited my mother two years ago, we spent almost two hours just finding something to watch on Netflix. And that's not a good sign. We reluctantly decided to watch Star Wars: Rogue One. And while I enjoyed finally being able to see it, it was an act of desperation from a frustrated family just trying to find *anything* of use for a service they pay monthly for. Rogue One was our like...200th choice; there's a reason it took two hours to find it and settle on it.

And this is a recurring thing. I'll see CinemaSins put out a new video on a movie, or one of their older sins videos pops up in my Youtube feed and I'm like, "Oh yeah, that was a movie I wanted to see!" And...nope. Netflix doesn't have it.

Two weeks ago, Youtube reminded me that Kung Fu panda 3 was a thing I forgot to catch in theaters. So, looked it up on Netflix and...nope. Panda 2 was there, but I'd already seen it. With nothing else to occupy my time during quarantine, I decided to rewatch it anyway. But Netflix found itself being useful for a change and was like, "Haha, nope!", and it's not even available now. Same thing with the one or two other things I've seen on Netflix in the past. Try to rewatch them? Nope, that would mean Netflix is actually being useful. Can't have that.

Look, I know that back in years past, they had better contracts for showcasing movies. And they lost that contract and that sucks. But this has, in effect, destroyed casual home movie watching entirely. I could at least count on Blockbuster to have watchable things and not third-rate dreck. Imagine if there was only one grocery store in your neighborhood and it got put out of business by a restaurant making great food...and as soon as there was no competition left, that restaurant reverted to only offering up three-day-old gruel.

Remember when "Netflix and chill" was a meme? You don't even hear that anymore because Netflix is just a joke. It's a repository of every single b-movie to d-movie ever made, with it's exceedingly good original programming being the only thing keeping it relevant. Every single time I want to watch something, I go to Netflix to be disappointed. That's just the service it provides now. It's on-demand disappointment.

I think I'm going to start a running tally on exactly how useless Netflix has been for me.

Successes:
Original programming like Stranger Things, Lost In Space, The Witcher, Love Death & Robots, Beastars
Deep Space Nine
Star Wars: Rogue One
Thirteen Assassins
(I'll give Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse an honorable mention since it's an amazing movie and it's available; just not needing to see it right now. I saw it in theaters. Ditto for Inception)

Failures:
Star Wars 7 & 9
Kung Fu Panda 3
Ant Man
The Raid 1 & 2
The Martian
Doctor Strange
Detective Pikachu
Shazam
Lego Movie 2
Lego Batman
Gravity
Zootopia
Tron
Tron: Legacy
Logan
Sing
Magnificent Seven
Mad Max: Fury Road
Star Trek: Beyond
Deadpool 1 & 2
Law & Order: SVU

I'll keep adding more to whatever category as time goes on.

I'd like to discuss Anthrocon and 2020. Obviously there's a lot to consider with the current pandemic. I've been engaged with them on Twitter over the past few weeks, being reassured that AC is still planned on happening, and so forth. Today, what prompted this journal, is their tweet linking to a journal entry, citing that they do still plan on having the convention.

At this stage I'm...really not feeling it. At all.

I will be honest, I don't think it's a good idea to have it. With the way things look currently, the infamous "curve" will only be barely be trending downward...if at all, at the time the convention is hosted. And that's assuming the best. And nothing about the current crisis, how we got here, and who enabled it, tells me that it's a good idea to bet on the optimistic outcome.

Even if things go spectacularly well in the coming weeks, and things start to return to normal, I don't feel it would be safe to host a convention anyway. I think it's much akin to taking an antibiotic - you absolutely positively must finish treatment 100% before you stop taking the medication. You can't stop taking it just because you feel better; you have to continue until you 100% have it beaten.

And COVID-19 seems to be an ailment that has a long incubation time, decent staying power outside the body, and has the potential to be a life-altering (or ending) event if you catch it.

It would seem to be all too easy to see a small while of no new cases, and be eager to "re-open the economy" only for a few faint cases, quite possibly overlooked or ignored by the media, suddenly start to spread again. That's even putting aside the idea that infectious surfaces remaining unsterilized long enough to infect someone at the tail end of this thing, and restart the epidemic all over again.

Hence, I feel that prudence must take precedence here. It feels reckless to consider the possibility of hosting an international convention encompassing thousands of attendees, until such a time that this thing has been well and truly beaten for at least two months.

Again, that's just my opinion. I'm hoping that, at this point, AC doesn't happen. I believe it's putting people's lives at risk - the attendees, the volunteers and staff, and everyone they go home to after the weekend is over. Heck, I have trouble avoiding basic con crud and that's even with doing most of the same basic distancing and excessive handwashing. With how contagious and dangerous COVID-19 is, I believe it'll be all that much harder to avoid.

I know it's a hard thing to consider. Many artists need to make money at conventions to keep themselves going. The staff work very hard, in their own personal time, to make it happen in the first place. People are anxious to see their friends (whom they often only get to see in person once a year). But the ramifications of a resurgence are far too great to ignore.

I'd be hard-pressed to be convinced to attend at this point. And I plead with all of you reading this, to seriously reconsider any plans to attend.

I had a prior draft of my journal talking about falling in love, one where I spoke a bit about a love long. That journal was getting a bit long so I cut it then, but I found the subject still creeping up in my thoughts, so I'm going to talk about it here seperately.

There's a bit of a transformative effect when falling in love, pertaining to music. I work retail and there's the ever-present music playing over the speakers all day. And I'll admit, there's a lot of songs I've heard on that radio that I really like. There's tracks that get me to smile and hum along just a bit whenever they start playing. And typically, that was the extent of it.

But then, something changed. I fell in love.

And it wasn't something I was expecting, either. 98% of all songs are love songs, we all know that. Some definitely jive better than others. And many made me smile. Yet, after I visited with that man I fell in love with, something specific changed. It was one song. I've heard that song a hundred times. A thousand times, even. And every time, I'd liked it. It was fun, and vibrant, had a good rhythm and beat. But after I well and truly fell in love, that song suddenly resonated within me. It wasn't enough that it had already made me feel good whenever it played. Now it filled me so completely with an excited, enthusiastic energy that I couldn't contain. When that song started playing, my thoughts always drifted to him. I'd start lip syncing with the song, even dancing to it. I just couldn't help this radiating energy it stirred within me.

I imagined myself playing this song on an MP3 player (ask your grandparents, they used to be a big deal) as I gave him this big, long hug. Then I let him go but rest my arms on his shoulders, lip syncing some of the lyrics to him.

---

And if there's no tomorrow,
and all we have is here and now.

I'm happy just to have you, hon
you're all the love I need somehow.

---

And then I smirk and wink at him, and break away with a giggle.

I feel it so completely and clearly...this wellspring of excitement and giddyness every time that song plays. I can play it on a loop a dozen times and never tire of it. I love it, I love the energy it stirs within me, I love him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxmNu-DqBYA&list=PL-vzh1tk-UOLDixbDd8EwnyAmjCAeGeZt&index=2&t=0s

I'm looking at the possibility of migrating to another photography hosting site, due to Flickr deciding to triple their rates. What other sites work well, are popular and stable, and easy to browse for guests visiting your page?

I've fallen in love three times in my life. The first time was with a young woman; it was a naive puppy-dog love. And it ended poorly. I was too young to control the complex and powerful emotions swirling around me, and I ended up being a moody, angsty young adult for a long while afterward.

The second time was with a young man. I remember spending hours and hours on the phone with him, talking about everything and nothing. It was wonderful, but he ended up just sleeping with me once and breaking up with me. I handled that one a lot better, though. I was bitter for a few weeks, then got over it and moved on with my life.

So this third time was a lot different still. There's a friend I won't name, but I've known him for a long while. I'm always super happy to see him. It always bring a smile when we chat, even the basic day-to-day stuff. There was always something just so gentle and honest about him. He always treated me well, even gave me a cute little nickname. And I was very fond of him. I could feel myself slipping into a deeper realm of feelings that, sadly, I knew weren't reciprocated.

He'd introduced me to some of his other friends, and referred to me as a “good friend”. And that made me grin and wiggle a bit. I felt good all over. But I knew that would always be the extent of it. He had a boyfriend whom he was in a very loving relationship with, even if it was a long-range sort of relationship. And to be blunt about it - he's my friend, and I'm fond of him, and the very last thing I would want to do is interfere with anything that brings him happiness.

So, I managed to keep any deeper feelings at bay. Sometimes a stray thought would creep in, but I pushed it out of my mind. I kept focused. And I did it well.

Still though, I think some parts still showed though. The way the happiness washed over me when I saw him at conventions, the way I hugged and squeezed him so tight. *That especially*. The way I was eager to listen to whatever was on his mind, no matter how mundane.

But I did a good job of holding back. I didn't allow myself to feel any further than that, even if he might have clued into the fact that I probably liked him more than just a friend. I made it a point not to take up too much of his time. I even kept track of how often I messaged him, and kept it a bit sparingly. Keep in contact, but not too much. At conventions, I kept it restrained to an enthusiastic greeting if I saw him that day, plus maybe sitting down for lunch at one point during that weekend.

Internally, I was still doing a good job of not letting my feelings grow any further. I did like him as a friend. I was (and still am) actively looking elsewhere for someone to have a relationship with. All was fine and dandy.

Then, he hosted a house party and I was invited. Of course I wanted to go! He was a friend and I rarely had the opportunity to see him outside of conventions. So, I went.

And, that was the end of any ability I had to keeping my feelings at bay. Being able to see him for an extended period of time, meeting the great people he surrounded himself with, watching him be a gracious host, him being personally interested in whatever matters his guest thought were important enough to discuss with him. He was just...everything you can imagine when you hear the phrase “a perfect gentleman”.

He wasn't just “a perfect gentleman”. He was *the perfect gentleman*.

I watched as he enthusiastically embraced each person to his home, how he interacted with his neighbors, he told fun stories, and he made it a point to personally make sure every individual was having a good time. This man was simply amazing. And as the house party went on, I could feel myself falling further and further in love.

But I think what really cinched it for me was when I fell asleep on the couch. You see, I had made arrangements to sleep on his couch that night, then return home the next afternoon (a five-hour drive each direction, so staying the night was basically needed for me to have any time there). I had fallen asleep before the party was really over and there were still people sitting around and talking. But as I mentioned earlier - he surrounds himself with such good people. When they'd seen I'd fallen asleep, they did their best to talk quietly and not disturb me. So I had not awakened until later, after they'd left. I only stirred awake when this man - this wonderful, caring man, brought a sheet over to me so I could have some cover. He smiled at me, whispered to me to sleep well, and made sure I was comfortable before he turned in for the night.

SWOON.

I just couldn't hold it back any longer. I was completely and totally in love with him. Later the next day, when I went to leave, he personally came out to my car to thank me for attending, and gave me a big hug for good-bye. I never squeezed someone so hard in my life.

But the one thing I didn't do? I didn't say it. And I had good reason to refrain from that. Again, I'm pretty sure he knew, but actually saying it really makes the situation that much more complicated. And I really didn't want to put him on the spot like that. So I swallowed my feelings and did my best to move on.

The thing is, in the real world, just being in love doesn't get you very far. It has to be reciprocal, and there has to be something there to develop. I am a particularly lazy person. I embody the sin of sloth. And he is so smart, he works hard, he keeps up with his neighbors, he is responsible, he's everything that would absolutely exhaust me trying to be. I'm an introvert and he's an extrovert (and a handsome one at that). So even if he loved me back like that, there would be nothing to pursue. It's not a viable relationship to pursue.

Then, AC happened. Everything was going okay, everything was normal. I saw him a few times, hugged him, told him how happy I was to see him. I kept it cool. But then, that night there was a fireworks show. I just happened to be wandering around the DLCC and was about to go outside to watch the fireworks myself. After all, I do love a good fireworks show. And I happened to run into him. He was also on his way to see the fireworks too, so he invited me to watch with him.

And as we watched the fireworks going off, he started talking about how much fireworks mean to him. How he loves watching them, making a special trips to see them all the time. It's a pastime and a passion for him. Meanwhile I'm standing there, shoulder to shoulder to him, and finding myself sharing in such a wonderful and powerful moment with him. Something that means so much to him. And my emotions just started boiling up. I just, I couldn't hold it back anymore.

So I told him.

I told him I loved him. I kinda tripped over my words a lot, and it was a bit awkward. But I just felt compelled to tell him. There was something about that moment that wouldn't let me go until I said it. I fought it until I had no willpower left. I had to. So I clumsily told him I'd been feeling that way since the house party. I even apologized for putting him on the spot but I explained that I just couldn't hold it back any longer. I hugged him tight and told him I didn't want anything to change between us, but I just couldn't live with myself if I kept it from him anymore.

He hugged me back, and assured me nothing would change (okay you didn't have to agree with me /that/ quickly). Then he said he was feeling really sick and needed to leave.

Did I mention he was in fursuit and overheating? I feel like I might have held back that detail to make the moment more dramatic.

But, that was it. I tweeted about it right afterwards because it was a big moment for me to be able to really say that to someone. I'm not typically the sort of person that is very open with feelings. And even now I still feel a bit guilty about saying it, since it really can easily become an elephant in the room. I've been on the receiving end of unrequited love before; it's not pretty nor easy to deal with. But, the heart goes where the heart wants to go.

It's also made conversations with him a bit more complicated, at least on my end of things. Because I don't get out much, I don't have much to talk about. Ever. So, last time I really sat and chatted with him...all I could think of to talk about was telling him exactly how much I loved and cared for him. It was really the only thing on my mind. I felt really silly afterwards but when you want to keep in touch with people and have nothing else to chat about, what do you do?

I do have one thing planned with him though. A few years ago, I watched the solar eclipse, and it was the most amazing and spectacular thing I've experienced. I can't wait to do it again. And I asked him to see it with me, because I couldn't think of anyone else I'd want to be with for such a rare and spectacular life event. He counter-invited me to watch it with him and his family, and I plan to do so. It will be the most cherished memory of my life, I can feel it already.

In the meantime, wary of sending wrong signals, lest I scare him off. I've been penning this journal off-and-on for a little bit now. I was going to post it a few weeks ago, but that would have been the day before Valentine's. Topical, but kinda cringy at the same time. So I put it off a bit longer, then FA was down, etc.

So there you have it. Now you know a bit more about me. I mean to write more journals to keep up with you guys, suppose I write so rarely because I don't get out much and thus I don't have anything to really talk about. So what I'm left with, the only thing really on my mind, is how I'm in love. It's a bit awkward and I apologize if I rambled a bit, but with nothing else to chat about, what do you do, right?

So I decided recently that I wanted to make changes to my diet. Namely I wanted to reduce my meat intake, and go semi-vegetarian. This was both for health reasons, and in light of some jarring views into the animal cruelty that is the food industry.

This came up in conversation with a friend of mine. We were just doing some small talk, I mentioned this off-the-cuff. He paused for a moment and was like, "...really?" And I expected him to be mostly supportive, at least in a moral-support sort of way. But he wasn't. Instead, he just about lost his goddamn mind.

He started frantically interrogating me about what impact I thought I could possibly have in the world, why I'd torture myself for "fucking nothing", and stuff like that. Like, he went on an entire tirade about it, getting louder, more obnoxious, and more frantic the more he went on.

This psychotic outburst I was laughing at, at first. Because I thought he was doing a bit or something. He likes to engage in humor that's over-the-top, so I really thought that's what he was going for. But he didn't stop; he was dead serious. He was, at this point, in a frothing rage, over my casual choice to limit my meat intake. Like, where was any of this hatred coming from? Does it really effect him if I eat less meat? What's the problem, exactly?

And this guy is normally one of the more level-headed and thoughtful people I've met. To see him regress into a seething rage over something so innocuous was really baffling.

Has anyone else experienced this sort of thing? Like, I've never gotten any crap for telling people I don't like olives, or mushrooms. Apparently that's okay, people don't think it's controversial. But say that you'd like to reduce your own meat intake, and suddenly you need to be drawn and quartered for it?

It's also not like I was crusading about it or trying to make a moral statement about it. I was just filling the time by talking about a life choice I wanted to make for myself. It was almost surreal to see someone absolutely lose their shit over it.

I haven't posted any fursuit pics since finishing off AC-Thursday, which is almost a month ago now.

The reason was primarily work: my boss took paternity leave, which put me in charge of a retail store that was *already* severely understaffed. I ended up working about 60 hours a week, often not getting days off, and so tired that I have been able to do naught but zone out after getting home from work. Sometimes I get one or two games of Overwatch in, but I'm just so exhausted I can't even focus.

Then, starting this past Friday, the flu hit me. So...fantastic. Given the timing, it's like getting con crud without having gone to the con. And yes, I got my flu shot this (and every) year. I'm sure what I'm experiencing is a more mild form of the flu because of the flu shot, but it's still kicking my ass. It's hard to sleep, my throat is raw from all the coughing, and my head feels like it's going to explode every time I cough for some reason. Muscle aches and pains oddly ebb and flow several times a day, creating times where I can walk around okay and other times where my entire body is in so much pain even if I'm not moving.

Add onto this that I really can't realistically take time off of work because including myself there's only three managers to cover the opening and closing shifts seven days a week. And one of those two managers is completely useless for getting anything done, while the other one is fully competent but deciding to protest the first manager by ALSO being completely and utterly fucking useless. And this may not be my best hour, but I'm tired of them both and would rather just fire them and replace them with other people willing to work. I'm done trying to be nice, understanding, coaching, checking up on them, demanding explanations for why stuff isn't getting done, and basically doing everything in my power to get them to work short of write-ups. These are grown-ass adults who can't be arsed to lift a finger unless I'm breathing down their necks, and both are hella insubordinate and toxic right now. So fuck 'em, let them be unemployed just before xmas if they want to approach work like that.

If only it were that easy, yeah, I'd have already fired them. I've written one up, and the other one is gearing up for his own at this point too.