Hello folks!

I don't know if anyone is going to see or read this journal, but to whomever this may concern, I apologize for my absence here on FA (other than me hopping on to fave things).

I know my previous Journal entry was about me declaring my return after such a long absence... only for it to turn into another long absence.
My reasoning being that I was just too caught up with being a full-time cartoonist now. I am still working very hard and improving my craft.
The unfortunate side to this is, I sadly haven't had the time and energy to devote specifically to FA or the Furry Community in general. As much as I would love to do every single thing my heart desires, my time as a cartoonist takes top priority. And a good chunk of the comics I draw aren't all furry-related (though plenty are!)

While I do have a ton of new furry-related art I could share on here... FA, as I'm sure most are already aware of, is going through some changes. Changes which may make it tricky for a Charmander like me on here. I don't want to risk just being an "easy target." As a result, I just don't feel like it's worth the hassle to really dump all my art here on FA. In fact, I actually had to delete about 17 different submissions on here shortly before typing up this Journal entry (all NSFW pics).

I do not know where I will go next in my Furry journey. My FA account will of course stick around. But I don't see any real future for it on here. Plenty of folks I already follow have prepared for a big move as well. Maybe I will try out Weasyl?
It will not be Twitter though. I left Twitter a few months back (my account is still there though), for the sake of my mental health.

In regards to more positive news, I did get to go to my first Furry Convention! "Anthro New England 2023!" And it was a blast! Definitely one of my best convention experiences ever! The people there were so nice! Everyone just wanted to hang out and have fun and get to know each other! I miss it so much and can't wait to go back next year!

I do feel a little bad that I haven't been able to fully devote more time to just being a furry with other fellow furs in this community.
And while I haven't really been posting any furry art on here, I do feel my art has tremendously improved to the point where I feel a lot more confident, and genuinely enjoy the craft of drawing more! It's been a long uphill battle full of mental brain bugs. But I am personally very proud of how far I have come and where I currently am now. And I will keep on continuing to live the awesome life as a cartoonist!
No matter what happens in life, being a Furry is forever a major part of who I am. And I hope I can continue to live that life to the fullest, with other wonderful furs too!

Hello FurAffinity!

It's been quite a long while! I dunno if anyone is going to see this journal entry, but whoever does, hope you've been well! It's been over 2 years since I submitted anything or posted any journal entries on here. Though I did stick around to continue faving all sorts of art still!

So yeah, the reason why I was gone for the last 2 years was because I was super busy with comic school and getting my Masters Degree. I just finished my thesis and graduated this Spring! Huzzah! So yeah, I'm pretty much a full time cartoonist now!

I feel a lot more comfortable drawing my art and actually enjoying and having fun with it now! If anyone is interested, you can find a lot of my art posted on my Wordpress website, Instagram, and Twitter (links on my front page!). As for my FA account here, this is where I will post the art which strictly classifies as furry material. While I generally draw Furry characters, my FA will stick to the art which I believe will be appropriate for the audience here.

I also recently got into a relationship with  ZCtheWolf ! Very friendly guy who does fantastic art and does very chill streams on Twitch. Go give him a look! :D

As for what I've been doing for fun these last 3-ish years... hooboy, that's probably a super long list there, haha. Lots and lots of video games, anime, comics, films, toku, etc!

But yeah! So glad to be back! Here's to plenty more adventures to come! Char Char!~

*big fat Charmander hugs for everyone* ^w^

Hey there! I hope anyone who reads this has been doing well!~ ^w^

Myself, I have been doing wonderful! I've been practicing a lot of art. While I still have a ways to go, I like to think I've gotten more decent lately. Still trying to draw comics and get that perfect energy flow down.~ Gotta keep practicing. Hoping I'll be able to make it into comic school next year!~ ^w^

I've also gained a bit more weight hahaha. The Fall time did me good~ x///3 Almost breaking 100 kg! (220 lbs)

I'm also in the middle of job hunting again. I just felt it was time for a change. Here's hoping I get into something.~

I do apologize for not being quite as active this year. But I needed to really focus on my drawings. Thus, I wasn't able to completely do the usual Furry-related stuff much. And sadly, my social life in the Furry Community had to take a hit because of that. I'm hoping I can somehow recover some of that. I love meeting new people and talking to them. And I love discovering and befriending new people in the Furry community. I'm also still single... wasn't able to change that at all this year. The search still continues. ^^;

I also must say, I played plenty of really fun video games this year! Like Persona 5, and most importantly, got to see the decade long return of my hero, Crash Bandicoot! It was wonderful~ ^w^

I wish everyone else good fortune! *big fat Charmander hugs to everyone* ^w^

Hi everyone,

I kinda disappeared from on here for the last few months. Reason being that I was trying to apply for an art/cartoon/comic school. So I was intensely practicing drawing, trying to improve my art to a whole new level. I do think I've gotten much better since. I put a portfolio together and sent it in. Put a lot of sweat and tears into it these last few months.

Today, I got the email confirmation from the school, that I was not accepted. They told me to keep on practicing, and to try applying again next year.

I'm not as upset as I thought I was going to be. Even if incredibly disappointed. Perhaps at this point I've just gotten somewhat used to stuff like this. I try as hard as I can. But no matter how hard I tried, I guess I still just wasn't good enough. Emphasis on "still."

I do wish I was 10 years younger. I worry that I'm 27 years old, and I still haven't broken into anything. But sadly, I cannot reverse time. I just have to keep on going. And continuing to try is all I really can do. There's nothing else in life I want to be, other than being a creator. I refuse to put up with retail.

I'm not going to cry over this. Cause crying won't get you anywhere. I'll keep on fighting

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!
Hope everyone is doing well!~ ^w^

Just gonna share some of my new year resolutions (which are technically things I've already been working on, lol):
- Get better at drawing
- Get better at game making
- Gain more weight
- Improve my social skills
- Get an apartment with friends

Title says it all. Just been curious about what some of my watchers have been up to? What's new? Anything exciting or fun going on or coming up?

Been a while since I typed up a journal on here! I really ought to do journals a bit more regularly on here, lol. I need to socialize on here more. xD

It's been getting pretty busy here on my end in terms of work, due to the upcoming holidays. Even Halloween sadly blew right past me before I could give it much of a thought. But hanging in there the best I can!~

I've fallen a little behind on my drawings due to how busy it recently got. So hoping to catch up fairly soon! I've been feeling pretty happy lately about how my drawings have been turning out! Hoping to keep the pace going!

Speaking of holidays, I'm so glad that egg nog is out now! It's yummy. And it'll probably/hopefully fatten me up some more! xD (currently at like, 207 lbs)

Aside from drawing, I've been gaming a lot more lately finally! And that magical game happens to be Final Fantasy XIV (A Realm Reborn)! I always loved classic Final Fantasy. And for the last handful of years, I kinda struggled with being a gamer in my new adult life. FF14 somehow managed to just make everything work for me. And I got my friends on here to thank for that! Charem, Eragon, Myuu, Chu. You all have already given me such great memories with this game. And here's hoping for tons more!~

When I'm not drawing or gaming, I been trying to practice video game making a bit more. I'm still tinkering around and trying to make my own little video games, and practicing how things work (I got a few neat ideas to work with!). I'm hoping I can build up a Portfolio from this. And hoping I can take some online classes on Computer Science/Programming in the near future too. It'd be great to get some help from another human being to help me learn more.~

I've also started a new blog just now! It'll be all about my thoughts and ramblings on various fictional genre media, like video games, tokusatsu, etc. And I'm hoping to analyze plenty of video game related things and fictional narration, and hopefully can make it a part of my Portfolio too!

The link to my blog if anyone is interested: https://sentaibandicootblog.wordpress.com/

For the most part, I've just been living by myself. Working and playing around with my usual hobbies. It can be nice. But it can also get a bit lonely as well (the IRL friend closest to me is a 2 hour drive away x_x ). I'm hoping in the very near future, I'll be able to finally move into an apartment with friends. That'd be pretty nice.~ I need some real life hugs I guess, lol. Need the love!! xD

Overall, I've been doing great, and just tackling life one bit at a time, and enjoying the excitement however I can!~ =D
Hope everyone is doing fine too! Char Char~ ^w^

Despite some fairly cold weather lately, I'm glad we're pretty much in Summer territory! I adore warm weather! ^__^

Life lately has been good. Though fairly busy. Work is usually very busy during this time of year, due to circumstances. So hoping things might calm down a bit by the time July rolls around.~

I'm still practicing my art. Despite my busy scheduling, I'm hoping to get at least 2 artworks submitted monthly. And I do have a few more drawings for my friend  eragoneater which is sadly a bit overdue. ^^; They'll be done soon though!~

In terms of social life, lately, I've been getting this thing to try and be more comedic and help others laugh. Many friends of mine have been kinda having it rough lately. And I think I'm doing a decent job. Hoping to do better though!

I've been saying this forever, but I really need to game more on Steam. I got friends who are probably more than willing to game with me. Maybe once I get some more art out of the way, I'll get to really trying to game more.

Lately I've also had thoughts about moving out to an apartment with friends. I dunno when that would happen, or where it would be, or even which friends I'd live with. But it's been something on my mind for a while now. And I hope I'll get to do this eventually!~

I'm hoping I can also get a tutor for programming this summer. It'd be a big help for me! I really need to get learning that stuff!~

Hope everyone is doing well~ ^__^

So my 26th birthday comes to an end today. As the title of this journal indicates, it started from stressful, and ended with an uplifting feeling.




I had to work on my birthday. And it was super busy (following 2 week’s worth of the same). So much that when I finished my shift and started heading back home, that was when it sank in that I wasn’t going to be seeing any of my friends for my birthday. And that was my one birthday wish which I wasn't going to get.

All of my friends who used to live near me all moved away. And any of my other friends were far away, somewhere else in the world. The closest one being a 2 hour drive away from my place.

When I got back home, I didn’t bother coming online right away. I just went into bed depressed (don’t worry, I’m not sharing this to get anyone to feel sorry for me, lol xD ).

At that point, I started feeling like I had no real friends anymore. Friends are people who talk to you and have conversations with you. And lately, my work schedule had been taking up a lot of my time, tiring me out to really see anyone often. As a result, I started feeling like I had no real friends. Just acquaintances at best. All cause I hadn’t been available to see much of anyone lately. I felt so disconnected from everyone.




I eventually did gain the energy to come online. And as I read through each and every one of my friends wishing me a happy birthday, the internal pain began to subside. This gave me the energy to start chatting with a bunch of friends.

And that was when I was reminded that I do still have friends. All my friends still spoke to me and had conversations with me. Sure, lately there had been long periods of time where I sadly wouldn’t be talking to friends, due to work time. But my friends still spoke to me all the same (sometimes I need to remember that I'm not "married" to all my friends, lol XD. I still try to be loyal all the same though~ ). I felt beyond happy. And I admit, I cried tears of joy. XD

Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes. The day was quite a battle. But I say it was all worth it in the end. *hugs for everyone* You all rock! =D

So yeah, in about 20 days (May 1st), I'll be turning 26. Geez, I'm getting old, hahahaha. xD

Last time I typed up a journal entry on here, it was about me getting diagnosed with asthma. And as of now, I think I fully have it under control!~ I'm still taking medications (like the inhaler), but all is good~ And I'm still eating lots!... and getting fat~ (last time I weighed myself, I was at 198 lbs). x3

Been working lots at my full time job as well, so been super busy. Sadly, to the point where I've realized, I'm not seeing people all that often now. T_T Doesn't help that my Skype got busted (though I think it's doing better now~).

Yeah, it's been a tad bit lonely lately. Haven't been able to do much in the way of fun or hanging out with people. I really miss it. And I'm starting to feel a bit like a stranger to some people now, due to my absences, sigh. Hoping to turn this around. For one thing, I should probably post journals up more frequently. I need to keep social. Or else, I don't think I'll ever connect to anyone much. Anyone who knows me, already knows I'm quite the weirdo. xD

I really want to play video games with people again. I should really get back to my Steam account more.

I have been practicing programming lately. So far so good.~ Hoping to get better! ^_^


For anyone reading this, hope you're all doing well!~ =D

So yeah, figured out what was wrong with me for the last several weeks. I've been diagnosed with asthma.

Doctor said the cause was likely a combination of environmental allergies, cold weather, and acid reflexes.

To avoid acid reflexes, I now have to go on a diet for the next month, by avoiding foods that are acidic, like tomatoes, tomato sauce (like on pasta, pizza, etc), orange juice, or foods like chocolate.

I'm currently on a few medications now. One of them being an inhaler.

So far, I am healing~ ^^

So I decided to give my avatar an update. The icon created by  Skyox who did a fantastic job on this! =D

For more than a year, I used the avatar which was created by  ShinyTotodude Who was very nice enough to make it for me when I had just started opening up here on FA. And I thank him very much for creating it for me.~ Here's the icon he made:

http://postimg.org/image/j29ut5gth/

Finally after so many many years, I finally got a Windows laptop. And now, i can finally draw with stabilizers! Expect me to get back to drawing pretty darn soon!~ =D

So yeah, obligatory Happy New Year journal! ^__^

Whoever is reading this, I hope you are all well!~

I apologize for my lack of activity on here the last few months. But I think I should be able to get a Windows PC sometime in the next few days! I should hopefully be back with more art! ^^ Here's to another year! Hope for plenty of more enjoyable events!~ Char Char~ ^w^

I'm going to Another Anime Convention in Manchester, NH! I'll be away from Thursday evening, to Sunday evening. Take care everyone~ *Charmander hugs for all* ^w^

So, I wanted to make a journal explaining what sort of a weird world I grew up in, and where I am coming from. People have always told me it's best to be yourself. And while that's true, sadly, many times, being yourself will be met with rejection, indifference, or being ignored from others. And it's something I've dealt with many times in my life. Even here in my time in the Furry community so far as well. Many see me as a cute lovable Charmander. But sadly, many don't ever bother to try to see me as anything beyond that. Cause I guess I come from a pretty weird background. This journal's purpose is meant to explain a big part of who exactly I am.


Anyone who knows me, knows I'm a big fan of the Super Sentai franchise. For those who don't know what Super Sentai is, it's a Japanese Tokusatsu (special effects) super hero program, starring a team of color-coded superheroes, who fight evil. Many people outside of Japan will probably be more familiar with the franchise known as Power Rangers. Basically, Power Rangers is an adaptation of Super Sentai, where they take the costumes and battle footage from it, splice it with American actors, and dub over them. Being half Japanese on my mom's side, my aunt who lives in Japan used to record episodes of Sentai back in the 90s, and send them over to me in the States, via package. Bless her.

But as much as I love Super Sentai, I think growing up with it left me as a pretty strange kid/person. Especially due to how I always had to keep quiet about it. As a kid in the 90s, I enjoyed the hell out of the good ole Super Sentai seasons. And much like video games, left a tremendous impact on me. I enjoyed color-coded heroes saving people from cool villains. The action, the suit acting, the characters, the stories, the music, the concepts. They resonated so well with me.

But it's a franchise I always had to keep quiet about. Being in the states, more people know about Power Rangers than the existence of Super Sentai. And well... I still don't feel like Power Rangers exactly did the Sentai footage justice. Nor did it properly express just how good the art of the tokusatsu genre could really be.

"But Alex! They're the exact same thing! Just different cultures!"

And that sort of assumption is what always immediately closes everyone's minds about the Super Sentai franchise. For countless years I'd try to explain it, but no one will hear it, or even consider listening. Instead it was "Why do you like this cheap corny kiddie stuff?" I had to stay pretty quiet about it when growing up in school (even from friends), to avoid humiliation (even though I had no regrets for what I enjoyed). Seemed like a complete lost cause. Even other nerd cultures like video games and anime/manga and movies would turn a blind eye towards it (and they're supposed to be my kind of people!... I guess).

Now, I perfectly acknowledge that the franchise is indeed silly. But I feel it's silly in a charming way (much like, almost any other form of media entertainment out there). And I do feel that despite that, these shows still have plenty of genuinely good merits, which make them darn good unique shows imo.

It interests me how when it comes to niche forms of genre media, people at THE VERY LEAST try to keep somewhat of an open mind for genres like B-Movies or obscure superhero comics. But when it comes to the genre of Tokusatsu (Japanese special effects), people quickly scoff at it, and do not wish to even look into it. They have their preconceived notions on the genre, and do not wish to change it, or consider changing it. Their minds are completely made up.

I have nothing against Power Rangers, and I can understand why people enjoy it. But what I find baffling is how the franchise keeps making it's way back into my life all the time. I keep running into people who want to talk about it with me. Or people who want me to acknowledge it on a daily basis. I'm a Super Sentai fan, yes. I guess people just assume that Power Rangers go hand in hand with it? Why? I didn't ask for that.

I have also run into plenty of "Well Alex, maybe the Sentai franchise in truth, isn't as good as you think it is." Holy shit, WHAT?? So... people who know zilch about the franchise, yet assume they know what it's like, are telling me I am delusional for thinking it has merits? I mean, I'm always open ears for criticism and a good interesting conversation (as much as I love Sentai, I'm actually pretty critical towards it as well). I mean, people can think whatever they want to about the Sentai franchise, and that's fine. But that sort of ignorance always bothered me, and I don't find that fine at all.

I'm a weird kid who grew up in a weird world (we all did in our own different ways). I'm glad in recent years, I've found more people who were willing to open up and listen to the weird world I had come from. They all rock! So what now? Well, the world of course won't ever change for me. I'm still a kid who had grown up and loved Sentai, yet in a world where Power Rangers is the image, and people ignore the art of tokusatsu. That probably won't ever change. What I know I must do, is to keep on persevering and compromising with everything which surrounds me. And I know there's good ole gems out there in life, no matter how buried.~


I'm really hoping I can find more my place here on FA. Despite many of the odds stacking against me. I know many here have awkward social skills, and not everyone is open. So it can be quite tricky. Would be nice to find people (friends, or even a boyfriend) who fully accept every side of me. No matter how weird I may be. Maybe I'll find that someday~

So we're down to the final 4 months of this year. And I've quite a bit happening at this point!

I've decided I'm going to go for my Master's Degree as a Game Designer/Programmer! However, before I can do that, I actually have to train myself in Game Design first. Which I have started doing with the website called Scratch. I intend to work hard so that I can improve and become competent.

Art-wise, one very unfortunate thing for me is that while I am using Photoshop CS4 to achieve my pressure sensitive lines, the program sadly does not have stabilizers. And this sadly is keeping me from achieving the lines I want in my art. At this point, I think the only way I can truly draw the way I want to, is to get myself a Windows computer.

Luckily, my parents have said they'll try to see if they can get me a Windows computer for Christmas this year! ^__^ The only downside is that Christmas is 4 months away. x__x Which is quite a long wait.

I'm not sure what I'll be doing as an artist for the next 4 months. I suppose I'll keep on sketching. And draw whatever project which might suddenly come my way. I do really want to keep on improving. But it does kinda suck when technology is so clearly holding you back.


Regardless, I'm hoping to continue making some good real friends on here. As well as interacting, bonding, and hanging out more with the good friends I've made on here so far! =) I don't want these next 4 months to be about nothing. So I'm hoping me and whoever else who'll stick by my side can make the remaining time of this year to be super awesome! =D

UPDATE: So I'm currently drawing by using Photoshop CS4, which does allow my pressure sensitivity. Which after that, I transfer the drawing to PaintTool SAI, for coloring. Seems to be working decently so far~ ^w^

So, I feel really dumb right now. Been using Stabilizers and whatnot on PaintTool SAI for a while, believing my line work was truly improving. But truth is, I saw no improvement. Though I assumed that maybe I was "blind" and not seeing the "obvious." But I realized my suspicions that maybe nothing had improved at all, and technology was being dumb to me, these last several months. And of course, that's exactly what had been happening. There was no pressure sensitivity when I drew at all.

So yeah, I use a Mac OS X 10.9.5. I draw using PaintTool Sai, with a Wacom Tablet. And when I draw, there is no pressure sensitivity applied at all. Been mulling over trying to figure out how to fix this issue non-stop for the past 3 days.

I scoured the internet/Google, trying to figure it all out. I tried updating and installing the Drivers. But even that didn't work! I even went so far as to install Parallels Desktop and Windows 7 to my computer. As much of a hassle that was, it STILL didn't work! The lines were still as bold and stiff as always.
So yeah, the internet pretty much failed me as far as I'm concerned. And I'm pretty much stuck now as far as being an artist goes (can't do much to improve at this rate).

If there's anyone who knows anything about all this technology craziness, I would very much appreciate the help! Thank you!!

 Drakeo1liveson requires a used laptop at the very least. Spreading the word for help.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6960065/

Raffle from  zestibone going on! ^___^

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6946965/

So yeah, finally broke to my parents that I am gay (technically bi, but I guess I'm a bit more on the gay side). All went well. (they admitted they kinda knew all along. xD ). But yeah, what a sigh of relief. I figured this out myself about 3 weeks ago, and was bottling it all up this whole time. It was awful and put me through a lot of anxiety and depression. So glad that's out of the way now.~ And with that out of the way, I think that's enough with the labeling. xD

And, I also admitted that I was a Furry to all of my friends. The Furry-side of me is a big part of who I am. And in the midst of my depression, I had to hold that essential side of myself back. It got really suffocating, as I wanted to express myself to others. But felt too scared to. I was scared of myself and what my friends would think of me. Which I know is bullshit, since I trust all the people and friends I've made in my life very much. But you know how depression works. The mind tries to trick you by planting negative thoughts in your head. It's difficult, but gotta keep plugging away.

So yeah, told all my friends that I was a Furry (as a Charmander, Shadox, etc). I even admitted that I was indeed into some of the kinks like fattening and even vore. And I even admitted that I had even drawn some Fur porn. But all my friends were awesome, and still gladly accepted me. For I was still "Alex" in their eyes. And they all admitted, they all had some weirdo kinks and hidden sides to themselves as well. I guess we're all a bit weird in some ways, hahahaha. xD

But yeah, so much relief now. I feel like I can be myself more now, without fear holding me back. I feel like I might be able to shine more here on FA. And to anyone reading this journal, just wanna say, thank you so much for any support you've given me. You're all awesome, and I am very lucky to have met you all.~ *big fat hugs for all* ^w^

Hey there everyone, I apologize for the hiatus these past 3 months (unless of course, you've seen me around on  Charem's Streams, Skype, or Twitter). But yeah, all sorts of stuff has happened lately.~ ^__^

On February, I spent the month finally trying out and playing Persona 4. Beat it and got the true ending. It was one of the best video games I had ever played. I loved it a lot! And it officially got me into the Shin Megami Tensei franchise, which I REALLY love now!~ ^__^

March and April was a lot of things. I felt content about where my art skills were at the moment, so I thought perhaps it was best to try and improve my writing skills next. And I'd say I made plenty of headway on that too at this point! ^^ These last few months had been mostly about intense growing up on my part. A look into myself, and vanquishing plenty of old demons which had lingered within me, and finding plenty of new lights as a result.~ There were a lot of struggles, confusion, and contradictions. But I think I managed to mostly pull through and figure things out so that everything made sense. Everything felt balanced. And most importantly, I felt happy about it all. And where I ended up now, I'd say I've felt the greatest. More than I have since... oh who cares when. I just feel great! ^___^

And now it's May 1st. My birthday. I am officially 25-years-old now. I suppose by Japanese media standards, that technically makes me an old man, lol. xD Oh whatever, I'm just happy to be alive!~ ^__^

I'm still drawing here and there. Haven't been coming here on FurAffinity too often lately, compared to how I used to. And as a result, the submissions from all the artists I'm following have really piled up. Whoops. xP Ah well, doesn't matter. Can't look or comment on all of them, lol xD But yeah, I mean, I've met a decent number of pretty nice people here on FurAffinity, and learned many great things, thanks to them. And I feel pretty content about that. I did attempt to try and find more friends, but well, it wasn't all that easy. I've kinda learned that a lot of people on FurAffinity are... kinda anti-social in a lot of ways. Nothing against them of course. But it did make saying "hello" and other things rather difficult. Oh well. But yeah, I'll just keep on plugging away and see whatever happens.~ =)

I've also realized that I tend to enjoy drawing most when I'm goofing around with friends.~ ^__^ It really motivates me! Doesn't happy all the time though. I really oughta make it more of a regular thing, so I can get a bit more submissions posted, lol.

But yeah, overall, feeling great! And hope it just continues to keep getting better from here on out! And I hope whoever is reading this is doing well too! Hope you're all doing great~ Char Char! ^w^

So it's been about a year since I finally started opening up more to the Furry fandom. I started speaking to more people. Joined a couple of streams. And even finally started drawing on here (to the point where I feel I've gotten somewhat decent~). And it's resulted in me meeting a pretty decent number of people on here.~

But to be honest, I still kinda feel like I don't quite belong here. I dunno if it's because I'm still new here and people just don't know me very well? I think I've grown to realize that a lot of people on here are pretty shy, much like how I was. But I realized that not many people make much attempt to get to know who I am. Whenever I meet people, I try to get to know who they are. And that of course requires asking them questions about themselves. Cause how else can you get to know people? And well, I feel a lot of people haven't really returned the favor to me.

Can't help but make me wonder if there's something wrong with me. Do I not seem friendly? Or do I come off as intimidating or strange? And even if it was clear that the person was getting along fine with me, there's still no attempt from them to try and get to know who I am. Even when I go ahead and share some things about myself, they get kinda brushed aside like it was nothing. Now, I assume a lot of people on here probably just don't really know what to say, and prefer to be quiet or cautious. But that just leaves me wondering what I should do then? What can I possibly say to make people interested in me? I don't want to say I'm uninteresting, since I'm sure that's untrue (I know many would tell me that, which I'm thankful for). To anyone reading this, I apologize if I come off sounding rather narcissistic.

Now of course there's a few people on here who have gladly welcomed me with open arms.~ So I am forever thankful for that. ^__^ I just wish a few more people would be a bit more open to me. Oh Well.

I also kinda wonder if it's because my art skills aren't good enough yet? Like, do I need to be a faster artist? Do I need to have a more noticeable style? Do I just need to be better in general? I dunno if it's true or not, but do Furries generally attract friends more through their artwork, rather than their words? If that's the case, then I guess I've been doing it all wrong... I guess. :/ Feels kinda weird, the thought of "creating art to obtain friendship."


I should say, what exactly is my goal here on FurAffinity? What exactly do I want to achieve? Well, I've always enjoyed fat furs and weight gain. So I'd love to meet people who are into stuff like that (but certainly not limited to!). And I'd certainly love to meet people whom I can enjoy some time with, with our conversations and whatnot, as well as caring about who I am (me being a writer, artist, a gamer (particularly Crash and Spyro), and a tokusatsu fan). As well as people who can accept I have a weird furry side to myself (particularly Charmanders). And I don't mean just RPing.

Sometimes I wonder if people find me kinda boring or unimaginative as a Charmander. I mean sure, I enjoy a good RP here and there (though not limited to). But sometimes I wonder if I should've been something more exciting. I've tried spicing things up a bit by giving my Charmander-self some sorcery. But not sure if that did much at all. I've always had a thing for lizards, dragons, and reptiles in general. And I always had a thing for Charmanders. Besides RPing, I would love for at the very least to be acknowledged about my Furry side. At least, then I feel like I'll be fitting into this world of Furries. To feel like "one of them."

Sometimes I thought the Furry fandom would be a relaxed and open place where we all just have fun and goof off, and express our similar "weird" interests, and get to know each other. But I guess I was just naive. I've learned a lot of the fandom is very uptight and untrusting of each other, and takes a lot of things very seriously. And I do understand why. But sometimes... I feel a bit isolated as a result of it.

At the moment, I'm not really sure what I can do. Or if there's anything left to do at all. Or what my next move should be.

Hey everyone, thought I'd make a Journal entry which would basically go over my Furry life experiences up to now.~ ^__^

Like many Furries, I grew up watching animation and playing video games with animal characters. As well as growing up with having a certain knack for stuff like inflation and weight gain. And I also enjoyed drawing. And well, with the rise of the internet, I eventually found out about the Furry fandom, and how it appeared (at least to me) to be a community with like-minded people with similar interests as mine. I was intrigued. (This was me around the age of 18)

But I was incredibly shy too. I didn't know the first thing about how the Furry community worked. And who there was I supposed to approach? Was I supposed to just go up to some random Furry and go "Hey! I like your work! We should be friends!"? I probably should've tried saying hello more often at the very least. Ah well. xP

It wasn't until around the age of 21 when I finally met my first Furry "friend" (name will be anonymous). For the first few years of my Furry Life (not much of a life xD ), I was very naive and innocent. My perception and expectation of the Furry community initially was that it was a very relaxing place to just hang out and have fun. I was completely wrong. While there are certainly plenty of happy people who love to have fun, I learned that many Furries took the whole thing very seriously. And many of them weren't exactly the happiest of people. Many I noticed were even quite hostile towards others. It seemed very... sad. Add to the fact that artists take their work very seriously, made the community not quite as happy as I previously thought it was.

My first Furry "friend," I initially thought was a pretty cool guy to get to know. I was a fan of his work, and was happy to be able to chat with someone who might finally understand a certain side of me. But such expectations did not last. I soon found out he was a pretty sour, bitter, and grouchy person. And I also soon found out we had little to nothing in common. Every conversation with him was just him ranting about things about the Furry fandom and how sucky things were. As well as me apparently having to listen to him and heed his "wisdom."

He also mentioned to me the concept of RPing. Which at the time I had never heard of before. I didn't really understand it. But he kept complaining on and on about how it was something that existed. I didn't understand anything that was going on. But it practically made me less interested in the Furry community for a while. And it sucked that this was during a pretty sucky moment in my life. I wanted to get more into Furries. But I learned little to nothing useful. if anything, I was driven away instead. And of course, I spoke to my "friend" much less after a while.


Fast-forward a couple years later, I was at the age of 23, just getting out of college. I had not attempted to try talking to any other Furry in the last couple of years. I had thought the concept of me ever making friends with people was going to be impossible. And I was still very shy. I mean, what could I possibly do? Or say to people? Seemed like a lost cause to me. So all I did was simply follow plenty of artists on FurAffinity for a while. I'd admire many people's artwork. As well as find a lot of the submission comments hilarious and amusing. It made me wish all the more I could meet these people. They seemed like a fun bunch to get to know. But I hadn't forgotten when the "mask" of my first Furry "friend" fell off. So I held back my desires and kept quiet and remained a lurker. What kinda saddens me is that some Furries I followed grew bitter on the site and ended up leaving, as well as taking their artwork. Never will I be able to say hi to them, or let them know how they inspired me.

These quiet 2 years finally came to an end, when I finally met the 2nd Furry I'd interact with. Good ole  ShinyTotodude . The big difference between him and my first "friend," was that he was bursting with enthusiasm. And I haven't forgotten that to this day, he was the one who made my current Avatar icon. He did it on the first day we spoke to each other. I could hardly believe it. In just one day, he accomplished far more than what months of my first "friend" did.

Since then, we spoke, exchanging notes, and I learned more and more about the Furry community. All the way until I was 24 years old. I was so happy. I was finally learning how the community worked. I was finally connecting to the fandom. And really, I was completely uneducated about even simple things. Like what commissions were and things like that. But it helped build up my courage to finally say hi to other Furries. As well as finally starting to do my own artwork! ^__^


So what now? Well, I've met quite a few people on here now.~ And my drawings I think are finally starting to get decent. And I even have tried a few Streams held by  Charem . ^__^ I hope from here on out, my artwork improves. And I hope my relationships with the people I meet here improves as well.~ Would love to enjoy my time here the utmost and have plenty of fun! And I hope the people I meet have a wonderful time around here as well.~ ^__^ I am happy to be a part of this community. And I hope we all get to express ourselves to the fullest and continuing having a great time here together! =D