It never stops!

Every time I upload a new piece of art, I lose anything up to five watchers, hence why I have only been brave enough to do one thing in the last month. I hardly ever do gift art for anyone, so when I do, it's rare and special. I did gift art for someone recently, in full colour, and how did they thank me for it? They blocked me.

Please, someone tell me what I'm doing so wrong!



Also, if you want low-cost high-quality comissions be done for you, check out my lovely friend Rayne while I watch my watchers list diminish further simply for posting this journal.

- Fara

...has a "you must be this tall to enjoy this ride" requirement.

Gankola'd this from Miss Carter's journal.

The dillio is that I link to three pieces that I like but didn't get good responses,
and then link to three pieces that I don't like, but went megabucks in popularity.



I like these, but you didn't:

nw_t6n_h

This is kinda what happens when I draw a character in the same
way I'd draw a car or building. I don't normally give such a level
of realism to any character, but this one is pretty special. Also,
I think a pretty decent badge. At furmeets, people often discuss
that they want new badges. "I make badges," I say "proper
ones, fully laminated" and no-one pays any attention.


d72_5585i_v3966

Only one person understood the whole thing with Connie, and
actually, that was enough for her. She was horribly misunderstood
by pretty much everyone else.


ah_1mt_nlg

A lot of personal feelings behind this one, I think it's moderately
well drawn in its simplicity, and it's always an event when someone
notices Alex in any of my pictures.



You liked these, but I don't:


tn_8tm_f1h

It's a car. That's it. No feelings, no soul, no reasons, no story. It's
just a set of details and some colouring.


jl2_tw0_ssb_lp_lw

The drawing is pretty good. But damn, the colouring is horrid. I only
slightly wanted to upload it, not liking it. Yet it's one of my most
viewed. I just wanna tell people "no! I can do so much better. Don't
judge me on this bollocks!"


oa_7y

Finding something else that was popular wasn't easy. This is the best
I could do, got good responses for a crap sketch on a notepad, done
in a press meeting.






That was fun.

- I got a new computer screen. Now I can see things how everyone else can see them. I think. All the artwork I did which looked great on my old screen looks badly scanned on this one, and it doesn't help that I'm limping with a broken scanner too.

- I upset some people at Jaguar Cars by suggesting in an article that, unlike buying something like a loaf of bread where you pay for exactly what you're getting, when you buy one of Jaguar's cars you're paying a considerable extra in comparison to the likes of BMW or Ferrari, for their research and development on new cars, which basically means you're paying for a car that you're not getting.

- My car project is going to get going again. Jasper inspired me back into cars after a long period of computers, and helped me figure out a few things too. I told myself I was not going to get too geeky with this build, since my last one got pretty intense. But within a few days, I had the idea to use a thin polymer membrane filled with helium, inside the front wings, to reduce the weight on the front by no more than a few ounces. Then I had another thought, I wondered what effect this would have, to lift the outer edges of the car, and move the weight balance more towards the centre of the machine. Out came the calculator, and I spent the next four hours working through calculations; just for the sake of a few ounces of weight. Formula One technicians do not go to the lengths I go to.

- Art commissions. Open as always. I'm seriously suffering time-drain at the moment. Every week, I've told myself and everyone else, "I've had a busy few weeks, but it should be over soon" and it never is. I think the only way I can break this is to load myself up with masses of pressure, and let the weight of urgency be my driving force. Also, I coloured a picture the other day, on the computer, I'm still using a mouse, and it was so good that I said to myself "no-one's going to believe I did that" so I didn't bother saving it.

- Still alone. I'm going to do a series of bitter and miserable pieces for St Valentine's Day, because it's weeks away and already I'm sick of people shoving it in my face how single I am. Also, I'm holding a St Valentine's Day Singles Furmeet for all the single furs, so even if there's no love, there can still be friendship and good times. My last one, the Christmas Singles Furmeet, was a great success.

- New icon. Yay.

FA is now displaying the pixel resolution of uploaded images.

Finally you will all be able to see my secret obsession; making my image resolutions either neat to the nearest 10, or multiples of VGA sizes.

Shit.


I'm gonna break this though, sometime soon.
Basic human expression isn't digital, or decimal, or designed to fit a screen resolution. It's analogue, and organic; it's a blend of thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

Yes!
Back on German pirate radio.


You can download the tracks from my comeback set in one handy file.


I'd got a couple of mp3 mix tapes from another FA user here, and one in particular was very influential and powerful. In fact, when it ends, I get that kicked-in-the-guts feeling, and a sense of loss as though someone special had just died in front of me. The other does similar, but took a few more listens to have the same effect. The tracks therein were not particularly heavy in their emotion, the vast majority were bouncy upbeat tracks, but it's the way they were arranged that made them so devastating. Which means that to get the effect, they had to be listened to uninterrupted, from start to finish.

So anyway, here's a short album of nice songs. Some of them mix a bit, but rather than give you the radio show, with all the tracks cut and sliced and faded, I thought I'd make this more of a traditional mix tape.

Enjoy.

http://www.mediafire.com/?bnmnmwtymyn

I fancied a crack at this "my life according to..." meme, because I thing the song titles of None More Black songs are fucking supreme. A lot of my choices actually have a lot of deeper meaning to them too. The idea is that you pick a musical artist, and answer the questions using the titles of their songs.


• Pick your Artist:
None More Black

• Are you a male or female?
Bizarro Me

• Describe yourself:
Banned From Teen Arts

• How do you feel:
Genuine Malaise and Misery

• Describe where you currently live:
Peace on Mars, 'cause You Ain't Gonna Get It Here

• If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Under My Feet

• Your favorite form of transportation:
Traffic is a Global Word

• What did you get on your last Birthday?
Opinions and Assholes

• Your best friend is:
Wishing There Were Walkways

• You and your best friends are:
The Affiliates

• What's the weather like:
It's Pronounced Thermometer

• Favorite moment:
Burning Up The Headphones

• If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
My Wallpaper Looks Like Paint

• What is life to you:
Risk Management

• Your last relationship:
Oh, There's Legwork

• Your fear:
Ice Cream with the Enemy

• What is the best advice you have to give:
Dinner's For Suckers

• Thought for the Day:
Who Crosses State Lines Without A Shirt?

• How I would like to die:
Majestic

• My soul's condition:
Prognosis Negative

• Most Faithful Companion:
iscrapbook

• My motto:
Yo, It's Not Rerun



***


On a lighter note, here's something else I typed up but haven't posted yet:

As you may already have realised from my ever-changing artistic themes, content, and style, I'm not one that likes to stay doing one thing for very long. Certain things I can fully commit to in the long-term; a house, a partner, a particular brand of Australian beer. Other things, in the main, things which are expressive, such as music, drawing, painting, photography, other media, and writing, are things which I'm constantly looking for new avenues of creativity in. So, making a microscopic jump within the boundaries of "lifestyle" journalism, I made myself available for genres other than motoring. I got asked to do one about food. Home cooking, to be more precise. I know nothing about home cookery. In the past, I have been awarded stars, certificates, and trophies for my cooking. But just because I can do it, doesn't mean I know anything about it. I'm best really with cars. So, that's what I wrote about. Bon appetit.

**

The Mini. The Beetle. The 500. Cars popular in the past, still around today in small numbers, but in recent years, re-invented and modernised to fit into today's cosmopolitan society. They are getting on a bit now, even the new ones, but they're still cool, they're still fun, and they still make people smile. As do the previous incarnations, with the exception of the Beetle, which is horrid. So is the New Beetle, truth be told.

So why not apply this thinking to Christmas dinner? Instead of trying to stick to the traditional, or trying something new, think of making the traditional modern. Use different ingredients. Fundamentally, all three of the modern cars use different ingredients than their pre-nylon ancestors. They're all bigger, for a start, and none of them follow the original design criteria of the previous versions, of being cheap, basic boxes, to get a family around. So, don't feel you have to base your meal on, or around, your turkey. Don't even have a turkey. The main reason why the cars are so successful is that they capture the spirit that eventually became associated with the originals. The fun and the freedom. This is what the meal needs to do. New ingredients, but put together in a way that captures the classic spirit of a classic Christmas dinner.

How you do this is up to you, since we've all had our own experiences of Christmas growing up, and I'm sure most of us have an idea of what the popular traditions of Christmas dinners from bygone eras were like. Which path you choose to follow, or how you combine the two ideals, is something personal to you, much like the three cars follow their ideals in individual ways, and not something you can simply read how to do in a magazine. Something you can read, which will help, is a starting point. Ingredients. Think Japanese. By far the easiest to be different with, and still riding high in fashion at the moment, it's perfect for making your traditional-feeling Christmas dinner into something very modern, interesting, and cool.


**

A review column done while FA was offline. Honda are gonna hate me for this one. It's not often I give such a decisive verdict on a car, normally I give stuff either 4 or 6 out of 10, this got a deadly 3. Oooh. Also, this was written for a "lads mag" so it's a bit masculine, and has some casual swearing.

It's not published yet, still a work-in-progress, and subject to change!


**


Winter has been setting in, and even though the same process occurs every year, people still become hysterical over tiny patches of ice, or cold toes, as though it's never happened before. I've always enjoyed some extreme weather, I personally think that a tornado is a more interesting weather system than a cloud, or that three days of freezing rain that causes widespread chaos is a more notable event than three days of gentle sunshine. The weather, typically, is "bad enough to be shit, but not bad enough to be interesting" as I have described it in a recent environment column, except I'm allowed to swear in this one.

I'm the same with many things, not one for the medium of anything. When I buy something expensive, I'll usually make sure it's the most expensive, which is why I'm now using a computer that's far better than anything you can buy in the shops, for any amount of money, as little more than a typewriter for my columns. If my food is going to be spicy, I don't want something with a bit of zing, I want it to set fire to my insides, and melt my toilet the following day.

Cars are another thing where I prefer the extreme over the mundane. There's really two sides to this though, specialising and generalising. The 997 GT3 RS specialises in being really fucking quick, and nothing else, and I love that extremeness; simple. The E46 M3 CSL generalises as a track car, and a road car, and a GT car, and a repmobile, and a luxury coupé, and even almost a practical car for a family, and I love that too, and because that's an even harder trick to pull than being a focus car, I have a greater respect for it. That's the kind of car I would, and did, buy. But it's easy for these generalised cars to go wrong somewhere, and much harder for a focus car to go wrong. But the focus car I've been driving this week has.

http://img689.imageshack.us/img689/.....ypermugen5.jpg

The Honda Civic Type-R Mugen. Looks fantastic, when the base car was first released, I was stunned at the design and immediately wanted to draw it from every angle. The new Mugen version of the Type-R still looks sharp, with more triangular features than ever before, and the raciness spills into the interior too, in both looks and in the sound that fizzes through the bodywork and into your spine. The engine will whirl up to a rather exciting 8700rpm, and the sense of energy will make you want to bang it into motion and thrash the living shit out of it. When you do, you'll feel the benefit of the rear seat delete, the plastic body panels, the body-holding seats, the lighter wheels, and better brakes. It feels like a proper touring car, and that's something the M3 CSL doesn't even manage.

I'm glad it doesn't, because driving a touring car on European roads is ill advised for those of you that have bones. The normal Civic Type-R was unbearably hard on normal roads, and the Mugen version comes with real racing suspension. Meaning it's even harder. The seats are harder too. So your spine, which was caressed by the whirr of the high-revving engine, is hammered by the hard ride. It's utterly intolerable, and was even noticeably uncomfortable on the super-smooth surface of the test circuit. But that's not the worst thing.

The main countervail for the shortcomings of the normal Civic Type-R was its price, initially listed for less, it was then far more widely discounted by dealers than rivals such as the Golf GTI or BMW 135i. This new Mugen version puts it in league with the Renaultsport Mégane, the Focus ST, and the magnificent Golf R32. The Mugen compares the these in the same way as the standard Type-R stands up to the GTI and 135i - not very well. So how much cheaper is it? At least €1800... more than the base Golf R, and a massive €6600 more expensive than the Mégane 230 R26R. It's faster than the Golf R but comes with far less equipment, and less than half the seats. The Mégane isn't as much of a fireball, but still gives that raw basic race feel, without being insufferable on the roads. This price casts the car into the realms of the ridiculous. That's not the worst thing either.

For all the extremeness of this car, for it is a toilet melter in comparison to Renault's bit of zing, I really disliked it. The more I drove it, the more I disliked it, until I ran out of things to hate, and started to hate the things which I'd originally liked. Although I really do enjoy extremes, even when they're things that are bad, I couldn't like this one.


**

Mostly a motoring journal. Skip to the end for fur.



A few weeks ago, I had my JDM drift van modified (again) by the Works team. It ruined it. It's now mostly un-driveable. When I recently took it out to do a quick photo shoot, I had to put my camera on my lap, because anywhere else I could have put it, be it the dashboard, glove box, even the passenger seat, would probably have broken it. That's how uncomfortable it is. It got me thinking about tuning. My tuned BMW is a work of art, because I thought about how all the parts I was changing would affect all the other parts I was changing. When I replaced the steel screws in the light units, the front lights got titanium screws, and I put tungsten ones in the rear light units, so that about 1/50th of an ounce of weight got moved from the front to the back, for better weight distribution. It was seriously geeky stuff, but after driving my newly ruined van, I'm glad I put the thought in. I was further asssured that my geek sreak had done a good job when I was given an AMG SL65 Black to test and review.


***


Sometimes, making improvements to something doesn't make them improve. Last Sunday, I was about to enjoy a lovely beef steak meal with some acquaintances, including some from the oldest generation, one of which offered me something that looked like a good gravy. "Try some of this sauce on your beef there, Faramisz, it'll make it taste delicious."

So I did. Through initial curiosity, politeness, blind faith, and as I would later dicover, sheer stupidity, I covered my beef in the sauce. Still optimistic, I asked "what's in it?" and was horrified by the reply. "Onions and leek."

I cannot eat onions. I've tried, I can't do it. They simply do not respect my wish that my gullet is a one-way system, and no matter how hard I try, anything with even a small amount of onion never wishes to fly via Berlin, or Beijing, or my bowels. My meal was ruined. But food isn't always about having one thing that kills everything else. Sometimes, it's simply an incorrect balance of ingredients that can make something taste unfavourable. Like ravioli. Great ingredients, but somehow it's all just wrong.

Tuning cars is much the same, and I have no doubt this is why the term "tuning" is applied. Because a car can be out of tune, even with itself. The Mazda MX-5 is a perfect example of a car that is completely in tune with itself. It isn't much of anything, short most noticeably on power, but it doesn't matter, because it's a perfect blend. The engine works so well with the gearing, and that power delivery is perfectly matched to the the behavior of the suspension, which is perfectly sprung and damped for the weight and that chassis. It shows, even at low speeds the MX-5 is a delight to drive, and has been the best selling roadster since the British car industry went West. To try and tune an MX-5, unless you were supremely qualified in mechanics, physics, aerodynamics, material properties, mathematics, etcetera, would just be to spoil this balance, and the car. Like ravioli.

The SL65 Black is also a ruined meal, although at first it seems it's more of an onion-covered steak. The engine is very powerful. The torque generated is huge. Even in the low end of the power band, the forces that drive the car are immense. No matter how hard you try to swallow that onion, it'll be inside you. If you're driving this car, the engine is impossible to forget.

AMG have done a great many things to reign in the power, large clutch, big differential, huge wheels, and so on. They made a lot of things bigger. The suspension is also rock solid, there's almost no body roll, and they've made the front end more precise, and the tail a bit more slack. These improvements, coupled to an engine so powerful that I haven't even bothered to try and describe it, all sounds pretty awesome. It is, but, it also isn't.

The sharpened steering and the loose tail can be fun, but also makes the car likely to throw itself away on a tight turn-in, especially if you enter the turn on the brakes, or before reapplying a little power, and because steering lock is hugely reduced in comparison to the standard car, catching the slide isn't always guaranteed. In these moments, the differential also doesn't help. Because the suspension is so harsh, it sometimes seems to sucker-punch the chassis, which was designed by Mercedes-Benz to be at least a little be comfortable. It's like this through the whole car, wherever things have been designed to make improvements, they haven't been designed to work with the other improvements. Even the stiff seats don't really work in a car that still has signs of Mercedes-Benz luxury inside.

The sound works just fine on its own, and so do the almighty brakes. The car also does work rather well on a racetrack, where there are no bumps to unsettle the chassis, no surprise corners or other road hazards that require emergency braking-and-steering measures, and probably no ladies to complain about those awful seats. It's both fun and serious in equal measure, and that's seriously fun.

Anywhere else though, driving to work, taking a cruise, even on open highways, that engine is a great big dollop of onion and leek sauce, and in order to try and make it palatable, AMG have only turned the rest of the car into ravioli.



***



I got a FurSpace account. I'm not sure why. For a start, age, gender and location are mandatory, they have to be displayed, and I don't really like that. I'd rather be enigmatic, and let people get to know me for who I am, before they reject me, instead of just looking at my vital statistics, and rejecting me. I think I'm also supposed to have friends.

Are YOU a popular artist...?


Just check the boxes with X, and count your points. For every 'YES', check +7 points. For every 'NO', it's +0 points. Check the results at the bottom.
And DON'T TAKE THIS TOO SERIOUSLY. It's just for fun. ;3


You have more than 500 watchers.
[ ] Yes (+7 points)
[x] No (+0 points)

You get more than 30 comments per art.
[ ] Yes
[x] No

You have more than 20 000 pageviews.
[ ] Yes
[x] No

Popular/Well known artist has commented and/or faved your art.
[x] Yes
[ ] No

Popular/Well known artist is watching you.
[ ] Yes
[x] No

You get A LOT of fan/gift-arts.
[ ] Yes
[x] No

Someone has copied and/or claimed your art as their own.
[ ] Yes
[x] No

Someone has pretended as you (in forums, etc).
[ ] Yes
[x] No

Many, many people has asked you for an art-trade.
[ ] Yes
[x] No

When you take commissions, there's a flood of people trying to get a spot.
[ ] Yes
[x] No

(DeviantArt only->) You have atleast one DailyDeviation.
[ ] Yes
[x] No

(FurAffinity only->) Your art has been used on the banner, or Administrator has used an avatar of your art.
[ ] Yes
[x] No

You only watch people, who are better than you. (inspires you to draw better)
[ ] Yes
[x] No

Do you comment a lot? (clever way to get attention!)
[x] Yes
[ ] No

EQUALS TO: 14


RESULTS:

68 to 98 points:___ HOLY CRAP! You really are one fabulous artist! No wonder you're so well known... *thumbs up*
40 to 67 points:__ Hang in there, and make more comments! You're pretty good, my man. Many have saw your art but there's many many more that haven't still seen it.
20 to 39 points:___ Weellll....how to say this. You're kinda' good. Heheh. There's a few really great images, but... Keep going! There's lots of stuff to do. *hug*
0 to 19 points:_14_ ...........Oh my god, you're terrib--- I MEAN! Ermmm.....You've got A LOT of stuff to do. Oh man, go to a drawing-school or some shit.... Damn... *sweatdrop*

Why is it that when I'm asleep, I can hold conversations in dreams, and the person I'm talking to can say such nice things, or be so clever and witty, so sharp and fun to talk to, and make such great conversation, yet when I try to speak to people, I'm hopeless? My brain has the capability to generate fantastic replies, it's proved that. But why doesn't it, when it actually matters?

I'm back, by the way.
Big thanks to the two people that helped me out, in getting back online. I appreciate it.

I'm up shite creek!

If you want to skip the starving artist sob story, skip down through to the ** and you'll arrive at the start of the cheap commissions information.

My computer has been dying for months, as some of you, particularly the Ychat regulars, will know. Well, today, it finally packed up. I'm not totally clueless about computer hardware, and though I'm far from the best expert, I know it is now beyond repair. Here's a shot of the brain surgery I've been doing to try to revive it [link] but truly, it's permadead.

Now, I said it's been dying for months, and I haven't been doing nothing about it, I'm in the process of building a new computer. It's quite a long way off being finished, though. [link] As you can see, it's a bit empty. I have more parts on order, already paid for. The computer I'm using at the moment is borrowed, and I wont be able to use it for long. No computer means no newspaper articles, which means no job, then no money, and no computer. So I need to get as much money as I can as fast as I can, to try to get back online before I hit these barriers.

**

So, I'm selling art originals. I'm not going to bother too much with furry/yiffy stuff, when there are hundreds of other artists doing furry commissions for $20 or so, it's not the best use of my time. So I'm offering what I do best; cars.

I had planned to post a journal about this next Friday, and I did a lot of leg-work on what other car artists are charging, for commissions and for originals. All this legwork and information is on my computer, so sadly it's all locked away on a hard drive for now. But some of it is still in mind, like the fact that you can pay anything up to $6000 for a high quality custom drawing of your car. This is for the original, not just a scan and e-mail, but for the actual piece, through the mail, that you can put on your wall, and that's what I'm offering here. But obviously, I'm not going to charge $6000, it's unjustifiable, particularly since I only need about $2000.


So I'm offering them at:

$145 pencil
$215 colour
$275 huge pencil
$355 huge colour

though they may be more or less depending on complexity, background, additional characters, etc.


You'll get a high-quality scan, and then as quickly as the mail will allow, the original piece, on paper, that you can put on your wall. They do look good, I've actually framed and mounted this one in my kitchen.

If you're unable to afford one at the moment, but this is the kind of thing you know some people might be interested in, then please spread the word. If you're a member on a car-related internet forum, start up a new thread and whore me out. If you can refer me some customers, I'll do yours for free.

Thank you so much for reading.

Blatent spam journal for this: http://furrymap.net/

It's a map of the world, for furries!
Why aren't you there already?! It's cool!


Feel free to pass on the link to those that might use it.

If you make any kind of music, and would be interested in letting me use it for an indie club remix, just send me over the acapella tracks, and then I can play about with them if I get some spare time. Couple of conditions with this. Don't expect too much, and don't try to give me ideas about what you want. It'll probably be mild like this whatever you chuck my way. Second, no pressure, please. Last, I'd like to post it here on FA, in my own gallery.

I'll only do this if you have a final mix of a piece of music, so I have something to relate to, and you send me the individual pre-mixed tracks (like one recording per instrument) and I don't particularly want to mix down 80+ channels, I suspect most musicians here don't go to such measures anyway, so from 4 to 8 tracks would be good.

Erm, it's free.

...his shoes.

Whether he realises it, or she realises it, or not, it happens.


Take note, single guys.

But my wisdom runs dry there.


I've got no idea what kind of shoes are most successful for picking up girls. Any ideas?

A little while ago, during the time of the US elections, I commented on a journal, posted here on FA by Valentine Crow, that if Barack Obama turned out to be a good president, I would eat a ham and hair sandwich.

Well, for getting the economy back on the build, as well as restoring confidence in the markets, without too much of a cost to the general public, all in a matter of just months, I'd say he's done pretty fantastically. As well as that, Russia and certain other European countries are disarming, dismantling, and generally cutting back on their war machines. For the first time in forever, it seems that the world is becoming more peaceful. This is incredible. But my favourite change has to be the healthcare reform. Because this has outraged American citizens, more than the economy, and more than foreign armaments; and would mean that I don't have to eat a horrible sarnie.

But the thing is, Obama's healthcare reforms are a marvellous thing. Americans think he's meddling with their personal choice, or that it's a way of wringing out more tax, and all sorts of things. I haven't spoken to an American who doesn't think his plans are despicable, and I have spoken to many who believe Obama should resign. Sorry, but you're wrong. The only good thing about the government in the UK is the healthcare, the National Health Service. All we ever hear about it is that it's understaffed, poorly managed, badly funded, unsafe, unfit for purpose, old-fashioned, and so on and on. But even in that bad of a state, it's fantastic. It's the mark of a civilised nation, not communism, but of a system where you don't have to be rich to stay alive, where you put into the system when you can afford it, so it's there when you need it, when you can't work.

I can't afford anything. I wouldn't be able to afford a funeral even if I lived to be 500. I certainly couldn't afford health insurance. Imagine if I was hit by a car and broke my leg, and the driver sped off from the accident. I'd have no-one to sue. The whole American system would be useless. This "eye for an eye" legal system is pretty neanderthal in it's basis. In Canada, I could get hospital treatment. I wouldn't have to cut off my own leg, like an animal, just because I'm not rich. This is far more civilised. It is humanity.

So despite what the popular opinion in America is, I've got to admit that Obama has had a brilliant idea (like most brilliant American ideas it was invented in England) with his healthcare plans. He's doing a fine job with world peace, and going good in the economy. For those reasons,

bon appetite.

http://img171.imageshack.us/img171/.....hairsarnie.jpg


+
Yes, that's real hair. My hair, which is now goldybrown and not pink. I really did eat that sandwich. I said I would.

Some of you may have known that for the last little while I've had a weekly radioshow slot on a German pirate radio station. Normally I play a lot of alternative rock, experimental metal, thrash jazz, etc. Usually the music I play secretly reflects my mood and situation, a lot like the newspaper columns I do. But I've very recently got into dance and happy hardcore, so that's what the majority of this weeks show was filled with. Nobody checks the show before it broadcasts, so it came as a bit of a shock to the station's main man. He was livid, and asked me if I would go back to rock. I told him I probably wouldn't, so I've been dropped.

Thanks, Jasper!


I'll give it a while, and see if I can find it in me to really give a shit.

Farrah Fawcett arrives at the pearly gates, and Saint Peter grants her one wish,
so she thinks for a minute and says "I wish all the children in the world to be safe".

A few hours later, Michael Jackson dies from a heart attack.


With all due respect, he was a hell of a talented guy, I mean, he touched so many at such an early age. I sort of knew he was going to die, after all, for a black guy, he's been looking awfully pale recently. Is anyone else going to his funeral? I don't think it matters if you wear black or white. Nathan said they couldn't cremate him, because of the emissions laws, I suggested that perhaps they could recycle him, maybe as plastic toys, so that children get a chance to play with him for a change. But the family have now decided, they want to melt him down and turn him into plastic bags, so he can still be a danger if left alone with a child.

If you look at his last album, the first two tracks are called "Unbreakable" and "Heart Breaker" with the album itself being titled "Invincible" - how ironic. Still, it's not all bad news. Madonna has shown her support and love, by offering to buy all three of the children for a very good price.

He'll need a hell of a comeback tour now.

I'm getting back into audiophilia. It's been about a year since I gave up my job as a sound engineer (for someone) but I've still got all the kit, which has mostly been used to play messy, chuggy punk-core stuff like this. But I'm slowly getting into electronica, and a day or two ago I put on some Fischerspooner, and just stood stunned at the quality of it all. A long lost hobby has been reignited.

There haven't been any new car reviews from me of late, partly because I've been driving a load of very boring things. The highlights have been a Volkswagen Golf TSI and a Kia Soul. If you're thinking of getting either of these, don't bother. The Audi A3 TFSI is better than the Golf, and the Soul is just crap. Don't worry though, I may be in line to test the new mid-engined Volkswagen (yes, mid-engined Volkswagen) the Blue Sport. I'm not sure what to expect from that. The other reason I haven't got much done is that I'm doing the foundation work for my first big feature, about five or six pages in a car magazine, and a huge project. It will look at US muscle cars, and their UK counterparts. This coming week I'll be looking at the middle price-bracket, and putting a Dodge Viper SRT-10 against a Jaguar XKR-R - it's not as one-sided as you might imagine. Then there'll be a whole host of stuff battling it out, a new Chevrolet Camaro in the cheap category alongside the shiny new Lotus Evora, a Ford GT and an Aston Martin DBS for the expensive side of things, there'll be Ford Mustangs, a TVR Typhon, a Jaguar S-type R, Dodge Challenger, a punch-up between classics like the Corvette Z06 and the Lotus Esprit, ultra-expensive stuff like the Saleen S7 and the Aston Martin V12 Vantage, and super-heavyweights like the Cadillac DTS and the Bentley Arnage T. It should be a lot of fun, but I'm trying to stay straight-faced about it, because I want it to be a really well-written article.


Roses are red,
but I prefer carnations,
you're so shit in bed
that I fucked your alsatians.


- Fara

I finally got a Canon EOS digital camera. I've wanted one with increasing desperation for about three years, and now I've got one (Digital Rebel) waiting to be collected. It's a very long way away, which normally I wouldn't mind, but I've had to "shelve" the car in order to save enough money for the camera (nothing comes without bitter sacrifice, as they used to say, before everyone got rich) so I'm going to cycle, for a few days at least, to go and pick it up. Obviously there wont be any artwork done or uploaded in that time. But when I get back, I will be utterly cashless, so I'll be wide open for colour-your-sketch commissions. That's where you send me a sketch or inked piece, and I'll use my skills at digital or traditional colouring to bring it to life, so to speak. They're not expensive, $5 a character, and another $5 for a reasonably sized background. Order a bunch and get a discount.

See you in a few days.

For those of you that don't know, one of the more popular Christian ideas is that those who are humble in life will be rewarded in Heaven, or that those who are ahead (in anything) will someday find themselves behind. Mark 10:31 - "But many who are first will be last, and the last, first." To someone like me, without friends, money, a lover, or a future, this is a comforting idea. It's something I was thinking about this morning, while driving through the night...

*bash!* lost in thought, Fara's car smashes into an oncoming vehicle, a Mercedes-Benz, driven by a rich, popular, and attractive young lady. Both are killed instantly. As their bodies go cold, in pieces, at the roadside, their souls float up to Heaven, where they meet St Peter, at the gateway to Heaven. St Peter says, "Fara! You've had a shit life, according to this book." He keeps reading. "Damn, wow... Listen, since you both got a pretty horrible death," he turns to the young lady, then back to Fara, "I'm gonna grant you a wish each before you enter Heaven. Fara, as written in Mark 10:31, those who are first shall be last, and those who are last shall be first. You were last in life, so you can go first with your wish."
Fara thinks for just a moment, and says "well, I had a horrible and lonely existence on Earth because I was poor, unpopular, and ugly. I would like to be transformed; to be wealthy, charismatic, and beautiful." It was done. A newly confident and very happy Fara walked into Heaven. St Peter turned to the young lady, and asked her what her wish would be. "Hmm, I had a great life, I'm already rich, popular, and attractive..." a smile poured across her face and she gave a little chuckle as she looked up to St Peter. "Make Fara poor, unpopular, and ugly again!"


Not sure what the moral of this little joke is, perhaps that I have the worst fortune ever.
The sad thing is, this is exactly what would happen.


*


The Toyota Prius. As we all know, it's one of the least environmentally friendly cars ever. Not only does it have to be manufactured, unlike the "old bangers" that the government are trying to get rid of, but its process of manufacture is even more damaging to the environment than a normal car. Then, when you get it, it gets worse fuel economy than a V8 powered BMW M3. Because you think it's kind to the environment, you don't feel guilty about using it more often, which creates more pollution. Lastly, once you're bored of it, it's difficult and expensive to dispose of without more environmental damage. You probably know all about these things already. So do most environmentalists, yet they still buy the car. Why? Because being green isn't about being green, it's about a smug sense of superiority. But that's another matter, I want to focus on the car. There's a new one out. It's apparently better, faster, and has a lot more kit on it. But that's only half the story. Honda have recently launced their hybrid, the Insight, which was a lot cheaper than the Prius. It felt cheaper too. But Toyota have come back with this new Prius, which is of a very similar price to the Insight, but has far more to offer, not least the smug-value of owning "a Prius" rather than just "a Hybrid"
This means that people will buy the Prius instead of the Insight. Honda launched the Insight partly as a quick-buck cash-in on the trend for greener motoring. Nothing radical, just an engine, invented more than 120 years ago, and an electric motor, invented more than 120 years before that. But it was ecologically friendly because of it's smarter sibling, the Honda Clarity. That uses a completely new type of powerplant, using hydrogen to generate electricity. Hydrogen is the most abundant element in the universe, and the only exhuast from the car is water. It is brilliant. It is also very expensive, so Honda needed the money from their hybrid-powered to fund the hydrogen-powered. But now everyone will be buying the new Toyota, Honda will lose out, and will as likely as not cut the funding for their hydrogen research and development. Clean, green cars will be set back years. This is yet another way that the Toyota Prius could be damaging to the environment.



Sorry that one was short, and didn't contain much about the car. I haven't reviewed it yet, and I doubt I'll get to. Apparently, it's got this super-eco-friendly mode, which means it can run entirely on electricity (made by burning fossil fuels) and go over a mile! That'll get me literally the whole way to the wine shop. But not back again. Useless.

A couple of years ago, I sung the praises of corruption, as a better way of solving Iraq than going to war. The idea was that the government bought everyone in Iraq a car. In short, doing this would give power back to the people, allow them to build businesses and industries, stop the wave of hatred and desire to harm the West, regenerate the dying car companies, and most importantly of all, save a fortune on all the tanks, helicopters, bombs, supplies, equipment, and of course soldiers' lives.

Today, the challenge is a little different, it's one that affects almost all of us, in almost everything we do. Personally, I've seen more people benefit from the financial shitstorm than people who are suffering as a result. I myself have enough suffering for about eleven people, and I'm told that others are in similar situations across much of the planet. Once again, for the UK at least, corruption is the answer.

The government should pay anyone over 55 years old a lump sum. For the rich, this could be a relatively small payout. For everyone else, the sum would be considerably larger. This money would come with some conditions, of course, but people should not be given much of a choice about it. The conditions for getting the large "compulsory retirement order" payment would be what fixes everything for everyone.

First condition, as it's a compulsory retirement order, they'd have to retire from work. In the UK, there's around ten million over-55s in work, so if they were all to retire, that would open up about ten million new jobs. Unemployment would disappear overnight. Students with loans and no jobs could go to work, and pay back their debts. Unemployment, and one aspect of banking, sorted right from the getgo.

As unemployment rates tumble and disappear, crime will be reduced much in line with it. In just about every study carried out on the subject, crime and unemployment are strongly linked. So by shrinking unemployment down to nothing, crime will follow suit, and also be reduced to a very small and manageable amount. This would save the police, and local councils, and in turn the government, quite a lot of money.

Second condition, they must use the money to buy a house, or pay off their mortgage. A little leniency will be required on this one, not everyone will be able to find a house instantly, but as the money from those that do is seeped into the housing industry, homes will become available for those that bide their time. So that's housing, and another aspect of banking, fixed.

Third condition, they must buy British. British food, British cars, British electronics, etc. Not only is this better for the environment, but would give a huge cash injection to British businesses and industries. After the initial economic jump from the compulsory retirement order, it is possible that the economy could backslide a little, but this practise of keeping the money within the country would ensure economic health and growth, for the long term. Lastly, this would also help the government get its money back, through taxes, duties, etc.

So, with an instant payment, and three simple and reasonable conditions, the government could solve retirement, unemployment, the economy, debts, banking, housing, and crime. Yes, it's bribery, but it's also honest. If thinking like this is put into parliament, it could be the dawn of a new era of politics.

But why stop there..?

Even though this is for a magazine, I've written it in the same sort of style that I'd write for a newspaper. Newspapers are of course general interest, and have to cater for everyone, so it has to be more interesting and approachable. As magazines are special interest, I can normally get away with being a bit more boring, because at least readers will have some involvement or enthusiasm with the core subject of the article. But with this, I've kept it pretty light and accessible, so it shouldn't be too heavy for you to read. If you do, you may work out that the article is intended to be a little nudge to Ford to get them thinking about a realease in European, Australasian, and even Asian markets.


"

It's been completely updated and refreshed, and it's exactly the same as the old one, bar a little bit of a face lift. Isn't it? This was my problem when I was thinking about how to approach writing about this car; Ford supplies a big pack about all the big metal bits which are different shapes from the metal bits on the previous model, and this car is fitted with the brand new “Track Pack 2” but there's nothing that pokes you in the eye, and makes you gaze in wonder at the revolutionary presence of the new machine.

The figures, as they are, indicate no more than that it is actually an updated version of the 2005 model, as you'd expect. Ford have wrung more power out of the V8 lump, 315 hp (6000 rpm) and 325 lb/ft (4250 rpm) with a slightly broader, flatter curve of power delivery. Springs and dampers have thankfully been replaced with more capable components, drag coefficient has been reduced by 7% and weight has been reduced by almost 50kgs.

Approaching the car, it's a very striking thing. Certainly, it will look very imposing parked among the Peugeots and Toyotas in the car park outside of Billa. Even parked, completely motionless, it looks fierce and violent. This is good, and it doesn't stop when you get inside. The new dashboard is much improved on the previous one, mildly less logical, but has an even higher level of design than simple mathematics. Best of all, it is of far better quality than almost any other American car I've ever been inside, although it has to be said, it doesn't feel quite as solid as a European dashboard, and it doesn't inspire confidence that it will last as long or as well either.

Fire up the big V8 powerhouse, and things seem surprisingly smooth, there's a lovely torque reaction but without the judder low down, or the over-run flutter when dropping off the limiter. The gearbox is the same as it is in the 2005 Mustang, which is no bad thing because the shift is nice, there's no agricultural clunks to the action, it's like stirring honey. Better still, the ratios are bang-on, as I would later discover when I took the car for a thrash on a racing circuit.

First though, I took it for a bit of a jaunt through the twisty little lanes, partly to test the handling, and partly just to get it all wet and dirty, with big gritty mud-splashes up the sides. I always wonder if the other car journalists work their cars out properly, they always arrive for testing gleaming inside and out, completely dirt-less. When I test a car, everyone knows I really put it to the test, and this Mustang was no different, if it were going to break, it would have broken. Although single-track European roads aren't San Francisco, air-time was still had over little crests, and I have no doubt that the car has the ability to recreate a certain car-chase without much mechanical failure. The dashboard held together well under such treatment, and the big torquey engine was a typical big torquey engine, little slow on the response but relatively capable of dealing with revving and braking in quick succession.

In town, the Mustang was no more awkward to drive than a large Mercedes-Benz, though the steering felt a little muted at low to medium speeds. It was fine to see out of, easy to park, and swallowed a large load more easily than a Swedish porn star. Best of all, it drew lots of warm attention, people turned, there were smiles and dropped jaws everywhere I went. People gravitated towards it in even larger amounts than I had seen with a McLaren Mercedes-Benz SLR, a car costing more than five times as much. Environmentalists carve my BMW to pieces if I park it in the wrong place. I parked the Mustang in all the wrong places, and nobody put a mark on it. It's still got the mass appeal and general adoration that made it such a phenomenon back in the 1960s.

It's still well priced, too. With less electronic bits and pieces in the cockpit, it's less well equipped than all its German and Swedish counterparts. But is that a bad thing, when you consider that cars such as the Perodua Kelisa, the Reva G-wiz, and the original Volkswagen Beetle, all of which are as well equipped as a blind man's photo album, still continue to do very well among the modern car buyers? Nothing is over complicated, there's not infinite settings for the volume of the bonging sound you get when you open the door with the lights on, there's not a mind-boggling string of sub-menus for setting up different aspects of the the traction control, and so on. Everything is there, but everything is easy.

So far, then, it's shaping up to be an ideal car to blitz the European market, and I haven't even played its ace yet. The way it handled on-track. The new suspension transforms the car, in a way that is almost magical. Stiffer springs in a Skyline gives you a firmer ride and sharper cornering. You get what you give. But in this new Mustang, stiffer springs transform a soft, soggy car into an electrifying fun machine. It's not a razor-sharp hardcore racer by a very long way, however, it still swings around on its axles, bounces about on the springs, and can be a bit clumsy if you're driving becomes as aggressive as the car looks, but the waywardness is no more than is either uncomfortable or expected from such a car.

I was given fifteen minutes of track time, and asked nicely not to lower the tone of the sophisticated race day into a drift meet. Of course, I'm required to find the car's limits, in the name of research, so at one point I did venture into the damp sand on the outside of a corner, but other than that, I stayed very much on the track, and mostly on the racing line. The 2005 Mustang would have rolled and flopped about wildly, and was too unstable to blast through certain lines. This one was so different, it loved the racing line, as though it were taking part in the drive instead of fighting back, and this made it a joy to corner. Business as usual on the straights, big V8 grrowl and 130mph was achieved with great stability, a rival even to the Mercedes-Benz CL63.

Despite being on the track for fifteen minutes, and taking the scenic route through the gravel, the car was overtaken only once, by a Ford GT supercar, which I then managed to retake position from on the very next corner. On the track that day were an Audi RS6, a Honda NSX-R, a Porsche Boxster, a Ferrari 456 GT, and of course the Ford GT, which should all be faster than the Mustang. But they weren't, and that's the most impressive thing about this car, it is stunning to drive. Old-school characteristics with modern manageability is a perfect recipe for serious fun, one we've seen before in the Roush Mustang, where it worked well on track, but didn't quite work as a daily transport solution. Ford's new one does, even in Europe, and that's why it's not just an updated version of an old American legend, but could be the start of a new European one. If they choose to make it available for sale here.

They have no plans to do so.

"

I've decided I can do better with my track car. Recently I haven't wanted to drive. At all. I've avoided work just because it involves driving. So the money I was/am supposed to spend on my road car is now going on the track car. I've made it perfect, and now I'm pulling it apart and I'm going to re-do it in the same way as before. Only with more knowledge, and better materials. 540 bhp might have been enough when I was a child, but among real cars, like the brand-new race-tuned Corvettes which stomped the car not so long ago, it's just not quite enough, regardless of driver. So, the whole car is being dismantled, right down to its component parts. It's all going to be cleaned and polished, if there's anything more I can do to improve it, I will, and then it'll go back together again.

It'll likely take two years, and cost about 30,000 of your American monies.


Why am I doing it?



Because I have no-one.

Want comments and stuff on this, please.
It's a work in progress.


*


It's not normally a good idea to leap in front of a speeding car during the dark of night, and if you realise that momentarily after you have just done so, it's equally not a good idea to stay in the path of the car and try to outrun it. But rabbits, often badgers, and no doubt in lands where such wildlife is commonplace, raccoons do the same. Thinking like an animal, in certain situations, can be very dangerous, and sometimes can hardly be considered as thinking at all.

But in other situations, a different way of thinking can be more effective than the first solution that springs to the human mind. Of course, asking “what would Don Draper do?” and attempting to solve a problem in the style of a hero is not a new idea. Yiffy role-playing is all about thinking as your character, and acting in a different way from how you would behave in reality. The natural progression is combination of these two ideas, to tackle difficult or troubling situations in reality by asking how your role-play character would see the situation, or taking it a step further from that, and setting yourself in-character for the duration, or a portion, of the troubled time.

In a job interview, for example, when the nervousness creeps in, and the fingernails beg to be bitten, slipping into a character that would handle the questions with more confidence and lingual finesse is likely to be a comfort, to lighten the situation, and perhaps even make it an enjoyable experience. Of course, it's best to keep the largest part of it in your own mind, glomps and yiffs may not go down too well should you choose to take on the persona of a role-play character as a way of dealing with being arrested.

In very extreme situations, the brain will automatically split-off a new personality. This is known as schizophrenia. Though it's unlikely, almost impossible, that schizophrenia could arise as a side effect of thinking in the mind of a role-play character, it's sadly likely that others, if allowed to see it, could misinterpret it as a loss in sanity.

Use it wisely, though, don't leap out in front of speeding cars,
and furring the edges of reality might just make it more bearable.