Today just happens to be one of the bad ones... with depression it's usually touch and go. But today my mind stumbled across a person

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that lead to several members of my former pack. Weather I secluded myself or was kicked out into the cold no longer matters. For over 3 years now all I could do is look through the windows of happiness separate from me. Today is one of the days I'd rather sleep than be alive. No drama just fact. The furs/people you've spend years mmo-ing and secondlife-ing with and all you have left is memories. It no longer matters how much you've grown into an adult--some bridges are burnt. It matters that The fox I considered a father figure was sick when I left. It matters that he could be dead.. It matters that I'll likely never know. I won't know how all their stories end. And on days like this I try so hard not to think up how all their lives should have gone/are going. No amount of pills, sleep, rum/whisky or food will fix any of this. Nor will it fill the hole that the hollow point left. It's all I can do to get up on these days. I cry and tremble and force myself to sleep and really function. I'm going to continue to go through this. I'm determined not to kill myself----but that doesn't stop the thoughts. I think of it as the least I can do for the wonderful fox I looked up to so very long time ago. I'll fill this void with something I'm sure I just don't know what that is yet.



Yes a whiny crying blog.........it all had to come out. sorry feels. But when you used to belong... and suddenly you don't. you'll know what I mean.


Time to put myself out for the next 10+ hours....yeah maybe then it'll be numb enough to ....

Icon/Avatar is NOT Mine... I found it out there floating amongst other cuties on a Google search. The Cute Chibi is an INSPIRATION for a character I've created named "Buttonz" I'm planning on writing children stories about... If the original artist comes to me and requests that I take it down, and not use it for personal use. I will respect her/his wishes and forward you to her/his artist page to continue her/his business of being an Artist. I have the utmost respect for Artists---and would never do anything to intentionally upset one.

damn you heart you get my into alot of shite T,-,T I miss being held and kissed... even as little as I got it.....lonely...can't sleep. wish I knew someone close to southern Indiana...not feeling very furry that much anymore...I don't want to sleep alone...or lay awake worrying about my ex...or have nightmares...I love him....I miss him...but if would have stay it would have destroed us...*cries* I miss my friend....I miss telling him everything. ...I miss seeing him....everyday.. nothing I say to him is the truth in his eyes anymore...simply becayse he made a choice and I made mine....to leave.

I've decided men aren't worth the trouble. I've decided that I am no longer Bisexual, I am now a Lesbian. And off the Market. Love? Shove it for now.. Shoving my heart on the fucking shelf. Fuck love. And if you have some notion of 'dating' or 'convincing me' Take you and that shit and fuck yourself....

"If happy ever after did exist
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairytales are full of shit
One more fucking love song I'll be sick"



Goodnight Everyone!

Yey Its my Husband's Birthday! *hugs and kisses on him*

Another death in the family....... T-T I feel like https://d.facdn.net/art/jocarra/135.....ra_requiem.jpg (not mine, find it on here yourself) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SSA.....p;feature=plcp (don't own that one either...) First Grandpa, then Great Uncle Wayne...Then a shock, Uncle Jeff I think he was barely 40... Worked out all the time, healthiest in our family. Crushed by a motorcycle a few days ago, walked away from it seemingly with a broken arm---not much other information than that.... *sobs* so much pain!!! I cannot sit still... I cannot breathe... Standing around on SWTOR on Ebonhawk don't really feel like doing much but watching chat and cry...(on Kosumosu if you feel the need to send hugs...)

Went to the Dentist, she filled three bottom molars T-T **Achy!** On top of that, just as we get to the Outback (Elim's green car...the 2nd love in his life) I slipped on watery slippery cement, and face planted hard.. cross-hatched scraped my chin, on the rough cement and bruised my paws on the sides, hurt both knees. Elim loves me so much that he still took me to Red Lobster, because I insisted we still go. He told me that he's going to follow me everywhere when I get pregnant, he swears he's going to install one of those elderly stair-chairs for me :-P Going to bed!

I am so frustrated and stressed out, on top of that I've got to stay up until my husband wakes up. Even more on top of that I cannot be anything but non specific about the just plane horrible times my husband and I are going through. Mostly money and expenses, but other things as well. Is it possible for me to write with out a comma? *sorry random thought but I fucking love commas* I don't need any donations or anything; just hugs and support. I really want this marriage to work--it is after all both our first. Its just that I don't think I'm ready to swallow such a large--tough adult pill, buckle down and take responsibility. I'm very anxious... Hopefully I feel much better about life in a few days.


*UPDATE*
We kicked our roommate out, we could no longer afford to feed him anymore, and still feed our cats. He was telling all my husband and my friends that we were starving him. He was begging money from everyone trying to get pizzas. Things have gone missing. I'm not accusing but things are missing of mine. It was a HUGE drama. All he wanted to do was stay on the computer and have us and our friends afford for him. He wouldn't even get a seasonal job. He was in a screaming fight with his mom about not loving him and the summer job thing came up. He has never said word one about anything. so its a large weight off our shoulders. We will be able to eat more than once a day after a while. So its sad it had to happen Christmas Day. However he wouldn't allow it to happen any other way...or day.

Any Comments by his friends or people backing him up
Hear both sides of the stories on EVERYTHING you hear before you side opinions in one basket. It will save you from losing alot of friends on all situations..

AND angry comments will be deleted.

See You all there! Sadly I don't have a badge this time, so I am hoping to get one down ASAP!

Enjoying a lovely vacation in Penn. with Omni, Elim & my Sister  AutumnFox & Caddie

My Older Sister's girls have both Trichothiodystrophy and Cockayne Syndrome. They really want a sun room for the girls in there new house. It's taken nearly most of their lives to get accepted for a new house instead of going broke and homeless! And now they need everyone's help for a special room to be made for the girls to be able to enjoy the sun, the UVs hurt them a lot.

Please do what you can. We're almost there.
http://www.indiegogo.com/If-Only-Lo.....ere-The-Cure-1

I'm in the mood for songs that touch people. The ones that make you cry so hard, to the ones that make you happy, and those that open your heart, soul, and mind so far that it hurts. List one of these songs for you, and I'll listen...... Please Artist and Song title.

Okay. With the booty picture, you can see the flexi tail I have. I am unhappy with it, but Don't know where to go for a S shape, or a 'tail up' high tail. Something that shows I'm happy. Someone help!

Ona(Me): *looks down at kittens as they bump heads* "Stop making them bump into each other!"

(Elim) Wolf with lazer-pointer says: "Its not my fault they're heading for the same spot on the floor....oh wait, yes it is."

Thanks to Elim for getting me to post this, and for over all being a knot head...


He's not an idiot, but there are moments where, either both or one of us will get that Dee Dee Dee...moment...usually me :P

Alright everyone I'm adopting a Mainecoon (cat) who will get to be at least 20-30 lbs, huge breed, and I have no idea what to name her. Here's her picture..... Coment on that page its so much simpler http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2715499/ >,<

I've been searching and searching for someone that will take a commission to make black rabbit footpaws with white toes. T-T Anyone PLEASE???

I'm sitting here in a recliner non recliner chair (broken) marviling at todays technology. I'm actually typing this out(for the second time, first accidently hit cancel) on a Nintendo DS. I've never owned a gameboy before. However I'm pretty good at Pets: Catz Clan, its a game where you adopt cats and feed, take care, wash, play and breed the. heh.... I've actually made my own breed: pink fur with a white racoon mask.. I'm no longer in Indiana, I currently live with my mate in California. But we're definatly hitting AC. It'll be his first ao I hope I can arrange a furpile on him... lol I love him so much... I don't think I'll ever be able to thank him enough for the freedom he's given me, sure I'm a very home(mostly cat missing her greatly)sick, but Eli sure makes it bareable. -kisses him lovingly- I doubt he'll read this, but he's already questioning the tears... For now that is all.... oh and PS: We're getting married! Dec 15' in Indiana, hopefully in the snow, light blue flowers, and the angel sleeved blue velvet dress Arowin wears in LOTRs yoou can correct the spelling of her name later.... bye ^,^!

I' no longer allowed to eat solid food. Its pre op. for my Gastric-By Pass... so for 8 days, I'm stuck on instant breakfast stuffs.. powder drinks and meals... after the surgery on liquid for a month.. Then I have to work up to solids again. Clear Liquids, Fully Liquids, Pure', then Solids... T-T damn I'm going to be in alot of pain, and won't be here to comment or look at y'alls art. "Awer" yeah I know I don't matter that much lol Oh well, Won't be here for awhile.

to write here........something about suffering and not knowing where to turn or how to fix---if to fix something......but Things that would unfold---or might unfold----were of too high value and too high of a price to lose/pay....so this whole issue goes on unnoticed and swept under the rug.....

I just came out to my mother......someone hold be before I cry! I don't know why I had the need to tell her that I'm bi... while I was in the tub......>,< I'm a knothead and I deserve to hide under the bed! -hides under the bed- o.o

Awr Wow went downs!!! T-T!!! If any other furs on here play wow, feel free to say hi if your on Jadenar Or Darkspear!!

Y'all should try Baileys mixed with milk ^^ or ice cream---tastes like Caramel.... @.@ needless to say I've had a glass or two... My real fav though is Tia Maria and milk ^^ don't let the bartenders fuck it up with ice... :P Enjoy my drunken rants yey...

Been playing wow lately..... -sniffs- I smell...I smell like shiney cookie>,> *inside joke!!* heh. *pours another glass...* Not really drunk just kind buzzed its my second glass but I'm finding the world quite funny----as if I've stayed up for 3-4 days ^^.. *hugs everyone reading this...hugs everyone that puts of with my nutty fara-ness-ness *dances to the Snuggle Bunny song* wheee ^,^!!! need moar!!! REFILL! I drink this stuff because it reminds me of my mate. Another sign that says "He Was Here" -sniffles- okay *Nsync came on.... this is a fairly good song "Something Like You"... Rhar I ish wearing my 4X lesbian shirt, (normally I wear 1---2X) ^^, well its huge and thats why I call it my lesbian shirt---no insults intended its my favorite shirt ^^.*bangs hang in her face, gets annoyed by the sleeves*sips* I cannot believe its been almost 3 weeks and his scent is still on the clothing thingy he gave me... He gave me alot of firsts too... things I've never tried---nor thought of trying... *bangs fall in her face...blows them away again*grr I have a feeling I'm not going to remember any of this.


Heh ^^-big gulp-dances-leans back against her leather chair and lays on to another chair at her side...the one he.......sat in....T-T mini Fara off the right side of the screen gets into a mini time machine and takes her thoughts back to the 11ths... OMG...he's so tall.. ^^- -goes over EVERYTHING...Every word....every emotion, every gesture analyzing it once more..
-father walks in offers him a glass of Baileys is denied giggles-


Wow o.o its almost the same time he got here. Is it not clear enough how much I miss him? It kills me not to have a date.. where we'll meet again, something to look forward to. I was hoping to see him for his birthday, but I have a feeling that won't happen still waiting on my surgery date. and after the surgery I'll be on a liquid diet---not as pervy as it seems(or as I'd like) I won't be allowed salt :P---heh for 6 months, then I'm supposed to work back up to 6-8 ounces of solid food. stuffs like yogurt, cottage cheese blah. Which all means maybe not Christmas. I really hope to see him for Christmas. But for now I needs a baf....I'll be around until 5-8 am... roaming around---poor little night walking bunnifox--wolf thing...



Yey this is the part where I listen to the song I heard in my head/heart when he went home...

"She held on to all she had left of him. Oh, and what could have been. And then the guns rang one last shot---And it felt like a bullet in her heart.
Baby why'd you leave me? Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever....
I can't even breathe"

o.o its not like he went off to war---he just went back his parents house... But I still feel the deep ache....

My mum went back to the hospital today, to go back into surgery. -whines- I ish worried and when I spoke to her I was almost in tears, voice creaked and such. I know its minor---and I know she'll be in some kind of pain afterward... -sniffles- But I cannot help but worry about her. Yey ^,^ Another sleepless morning...

BTW If you want me to "MOD" you a Kani Wolf, I will need a friend add and your mod rights, I do not own the textures or shapes you must first own a kani--buying it from uchi. I refuse to work on copy-botted items. It will take at least 5 hours on the head, your on your own with the skin, tail and paws..

OMG...It hurts *so* much!!! I cannot breath! -sobs- Omg..... I love him so much! -tears drip down her muzzle, gasps for air and sobs more- Okay... Okay... Here it is:

I bought a greyhound ticket, round trip, for my mate--*now official* He spent four wonderful days with me. -blinks as tears fall- While he was here there was a full moon. I'm staring at a picture of us kissing, in person. gods I'm morbid. Sitting here listening to sound files of his voice for comfort...

-sniffles as she listens to him on the phone- "I love you..." "love you too.."
"I'm sorry I'm such a cry-baby" "It's alright... I mean you have a reason.

It's like some of my heart was scooped out and carried on the bus with him. I didn't learn very much about him other than he's very gentle, loving. and extremely shy---though I made him get over that as soon as we were at my home ^,~. We didn't get much sleep. so everything was such a blur, but I remember us. I remember his paws, his arms around me---owning me completely--his lips. I remember the taste of his

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tongue... yeah that's it ^^---no really one moment we/I decided it was interesting to see what his tongue tasted like. So I licked it. :P Mmm Fuzzy.. I swear I'm just that insane. -grins-

He was here for my birthday and my doctor's appointment. He was sweet to lose sleep and come comfort me.

A lot of firsts we shared. I won't change a thing. It played out wonderfully. Time dragged its 'feet' (or 'hands' :P clock joke) until the moment he stepped off the bus and was in front of me. It was as if everything went into fast forward. I remember our first kiss was in the back of my mother's C-RV, with my sister driving. It was about 4am when the bus finally showed up.

After my sis and I went to Mc Donald's, I hate them grr I want a fecking double cheese burger not a mcmuffin!!! GRRR!!! damn their 'rules', shit how hard is it to fire up a grill put two patties and cheese on it and then put them on a bun with ketchup?

Sitting here listening to Kathy Mattea 's Where have you been?

"I'm just not myself when you're away..."

It still was 4 wonderful days. The first day we went to a local fair here in town, it was the last day before it all got packed up and shipped off. Poor woofeh no likey crowds--so he stayed very close ^^. Which I had no problem, I didn't want to lose him in the huge fecking three---five blocks of ciaos. The next day was my birthday so we went to the movies and saw Eagle Eye---I loved it---him not so much because he's not a fan of Shia LaBeouf. Ah well good times anyhow. Thens I tooketh him to a local bar and restaurant named Cheese Burger In Paradise. He liked it. Its my favorite. The next day we went to Triple Dragon, he loved it @.@..then we WALKED home x.x shit I about died. The Next day we went on a double date with my younger sister and her bf to Subway, now that was cool :P That night we all bought alcohol. Bailey's, and some Vodka. I already had Tia Maria at home. Tia Maria mixxed with milk tastes like caramel and Bailey's with milk tastes almost the same. Mmmmm..drunketh.