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So I guess I am an adult
Posted 13 years agomy childhood was weird
I mean fucking weird
I never went to middle school or highschool, so all the changes that happened to me growing up were all chemical and physical, and nothing mental
and now life has made me grow up, and now I am aware. More aware then I ever have been in my life
and I have been an asshole to everything and everyone around me
I am sorry.
I still want to kill myself, but now I want to even more, though now I really understand the consequences and who that would hurt, so I think that instead I will simply isolate myself completely
I am going to go to college, find a job where I can be alone, and work until I die.
I mean fucking weird
I never went to middle school or highschool, so all the changes that happened to me growing up were all chemical and physical, and nothing mental
and now life has made me grow up, and now I am aware. More aware then I ever have been in my life
and I have been an asshole to everything and everyone around me
I am sorry.
I still want to kill myself, but now I want to even more, though now I really understand the consequences and who that would hurt, so I think that instead I will simply isolate myself completely
I am going to go to college, find a job where I can be alone, and work until I die.
God
Posted 13 years agoI wanna kill myself.
I had a dream my ex visited me.
Posted 13 years agoThat she visited me today. We hanged out in my room and we kalked a little bit. She just came back from this weekend. I don't remember too much but I remember the last part.
I remember she hid pot everywhere and she was getting it. We talked a little bit about weed and told me she brought some for me.
I asked her about her orgy. She said that she met these guys on tribe and this was her main ticket in.
I asked her what kinda orgy she was in. She said it was the kind where people were calling their friends.
She was in the living room.
She changed.
I didn't.
I started freaking out and went into my room and cried and banged on shit and freaked out.
She was drunk and was staring at me sentually. In a much much different way then she ever did before.
I wouldn't stop freaking out.
Then I woke up.
I remember she hid pot everywhere and she was getting it. We talked a little bit about weed and told me she brought some for me.
I asked her about her orgy. She said that she met these guys on tribe and this was her main ticket in.
I asked her what kinda orgy she was in. She said it was the kind where people were calling their friends.
She was in the living room.
She changed.
I didn't.
I started freaking out and went into my room and cried and banged on shit and freaked out.
She was drunk and was staring at me sentually. In a much much different way then she ever did before.
I wouldn't stop freaking out.
Then I woke up.
A vent and a story.
Posted 13 years agoShe looks at me. I look down. "Whell... what do you have to say for yourself?" My nose still pointed at the floor. She grabs me by my shoulders "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?" I wince at her touch, as she pushes me to the wall.
She gives me a kick in the nuts, "fucking asshole"
I sit there and cry for an hour, before coming out.She is in a good mood. I know better. I have to hide it. But I just... I can't.....
I sit here, at my desk, in complete solitide. No friends, no nothing. All the porn I jerk off to mediocre in it's kinkyness.
Then I did something horrible, I awoken my ex.
She talked to me a little bit, sometimes in bitter anger, sometimes in catching up.
She tells me her weekend plan.
I didn't need to hear it.
I can imagine it in my head..
The nasty bodies of all those perverts... their hands over her curves, how she will be on some cement floor in some warehouse.. being made to reduce to filth, being fucked all which way by people she doesn'teven know, or sometimes don't even know what they look like.
I imagine this in my head, and it makes me wish... I was there....
We took a walk today. It was fucking gorgeous. It was late spring. I didn't have a car yet, and the day was kinda warm and a little humid. We walked down far to the nearest gas station where we caught the bus. I cuddled right up to her arm as we both listened to music in silence.
When we arived we couldn't stop yapping. We mocked everything, and smiled, and laughed. It wasn't the best time, but it happened enough times that it made it worth it....
She comes back, piss drunk, her skirt lifted up so you can see her wetness. She is dripping from both holes and her breath smells like cum and alchahol. She stumbles forward before giving me a drunken punch that only seems to knock her off balance.
She tries to say it "How'se that do 'yah in fer? You... you... fuckkin thnik I am puhrett enoff you fukkin cockey asshole?"
She grabs me drunkenly and knocks me down before she almost falls down herself.
"Fucjkin I don't... need the fuck out of you!" Before she kicks me. right in the balls. As hard as her drunk leg will take her.
She falls over. I drag her body to the floor, passed out.
I cry as I wipe all the cum off of her and from within her. I curl up in bed, not touching her, huddled in the feetle position, trying not to think....
"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT I WANT!" I scream at her. She remains in the corner. "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING CUNT! AND YOU ARE FAT TOO!" I let myself vent. Everything that has been holding me up. Everything at once.
Years and years of fucking frustration. I can't goddamn contain it. She won't let me do this or do that or do this or do that. She fucking hates me and wants to control my goddamn life! She is like my stepdads! even the one that fucking raped me!
What the fuck is her fucking issue why can't she just fucking leave me alone! I don't want to be around her, I don't want to be around anybody! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE AND LET ME ROT YOU GODDAMN ASSHOLES! I KNOW WHAT YOU ALL FUCKING PLAN AND I KNOW WHAT YOU ALL FUCKING WANT
Without her knowing. I use the computer before she is awake. She would never understand me, nobody does.
I turn on the internet, and they come online. The sluts, the whores, the fakers, everything I ever wanted in text fourm.
I want them to be real. so many fakers, all of them! except a few! one actually. Don't give a shit, she has what I need. What I want. I'll do anything for it. She? She can't understand me. I tried everything. She wouldn't get it! how could she? Ofcource she never wants anything to do with me!
But these women, oh yes these women. They call me daddy, they call me master.
Just like how I want to call someone that one day. I want to be what they say they are.
I am scared. I am angry. I see what is happening in front of me. It is her father, she knocks her down on glass. She kicks her, screams at her, tell her how everything is her fault.
Her new stereroid medication had some side effects. She started it. He finished it.
Like he always has done.
Just like it has always been done to me.
I sit alone now. In nothing. I am nothing. She is on the internet, a state away. My online friends are the only friends I know. Her? reduced to nothing but points on a screen.
I talk to her, even if I have to. I give her what she wants.
I fucking hate it sometimes, and I should be leaving her.
I did leave her. Then I took it back.
What the fuck is wrong with me? She gave you years of hell....
It doesn't matter now.
I stink. I haven't showered for months. My keyboard is greacy and my f-list account well used. I use skype sometimes, she is the only one I talk to. She enjoys it too, and resents me. She hates me. She always hates me. No matter what I do. I did this for myself but why should I do that? I can't do anything for myself.
why should I? She comes first, no matter how much I fucking hate it.
Today is the first time I stood up to her. Today is the first day she knows the truth. Today is the first day of what will change my life. Today will be the worst day of my whole life. Today, she leaves.
And for good this time.
We meet. Though a mutual friend. It is a beautiful snowy night in Stayton. We loved walking through it even though we known eachother less than a week. My heart ached for another but she saw through that, and through her I felt better.
I chased her through the snow. She didn't run very fast but I still chased her. We laugh and we at the snow.
...
I look at her, my arm around her shoulder. She pulls me in closer. I don't know what to do or what to say. I want to fuck and I want to get close. We already tried that once but I chickened out of it.
I look at her, and wonder "how long will this last?"
Hell. That is where I am at right now. They are ALL against me. Every last one. They walk on the street, behind me, in front of me. I can't go to work, though I have to. I can't breathe, and I can't do anything. I need anyone, anything! ANYTHING
PLEASE
FUCKING HELP ME
You will help me won't you? Please... I will do anything JUST BE HERE WITH ME.
Please..... don't leave me alone......
"WHELL FUCK YOU" I reply to the lamp she just thrown at me.
"YOU FUCKING SONOVABITCH! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR GODDAMN PROBLEM"
"FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU" I charge at her, my fist goes right into the bottom of her ribs, the wind knocked out of her for only a second.
Before She lifts me by my arm, and slams me hard through a table.
"YOU SEE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, I ALWAYS GET MY GODDAMN WAY!"
I grab her ankle, and pulled. She budged, and moved as I tried my best to budge it, before I give her a hard hit. Right in the clit.
....
Awkward stares at eachother at the hospital. Another debt for the pile.
It takes months to get over what happened.
I sit here, reliving all these memories. I look back at them, long and hard....
You may think I think of you like that, but i don't. I cant stand you, but I miss you. You don't arouse me, but your actions do.
My concern is that you won't be able to see how I feel. Nor care. That you truly do hate me, and that you will ruin my life simply for the pleasure of me suffering.
I wish things were different.
She gives me a kick in the nuts, "fucking asshole"
I sit there and cry for an hour, before coming out.She is in a good mood. I know better. I have to hide it. But I just... I can't.....
I sit here, at my desk, in complete solitide. No friends, no nothing. All the porn I jerk off to mediocre in it's kinkyness.
Then I did something horrible, I awoken my ex.
She talked to me a little bit, sometimes in bitter anger, sometimes in catching up.
She tells me her weekend plan.
I didn't need to hear it.
I can imagine it in my head..
The nasty bodies of all those perverts... their hands over her curves, how she will be on some cement floor in some warehouse.. being made to reduce to filth, being fucked all which way by people she doesn'teven know, or sometimes don't even know what they look like.
I imagine this in my head, and it makes me wish... I was there....
We took a walk today. It was fucking gorgeous. It was late spring. I didn't have a car yet, and the day was kinda warm and a little humid. We walked down far to the nearest gas station where we caught the bus. I cuddled right up to her arm as we both listened to music in silence.
When we arived we couldn't stop yapping. We mocked everything, and smiled, and laughed. It wasn't the best time, but it happened enough times that it made it worth it....
She comes back, piss drunk, her skirt lifted up so you can see her wetness. She is dripping from both holes and her breath smells like cum and alchahol. She stumbles forward before giving me a drunken punch that only seems to knock her off balance.
She tries to say it "How'se that do 'yah in fer? You... you... fuckkin thnik I am puhrett enoff you fukkin cockey asshole?"
She grabs me drunkenly and knocks me down before she almost falls down herself.
"Fucjkin I don't... need the fuck out of you!" Before she kicks me. right in the balls. As hard as her drunk leg will take her.
She falls over. I drag her body to the floor, passed out.
I cry as I wipe all the cum off of her and from within her. I curl up in bed, not touching her, huddled in the feetle position, trying not to think....
"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT I WANT!" I scream at her. She remains in the corner. "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING CUNT! AND YOU ARE FAT TOO!" I let myself vent. Everything that has been holding me up. Everything at once.
Years and years of fucking frustration. I can't goddamn contain it. She won't let me do this or do that or do this or do that. She fucking hates me and wants to control my goddamn life! She is like my stepdads! even the one that fucking raped me!
What the fuck is her fucking issue why can't she just fucking leave me alone! I don't want to be around her, I don't want to be around anybody! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE AND LET ME ROT YOU GODDAMN ASSHOLES! I KNOW WHAT YOU ALL FUCKING PLAN AND I KNOW WHAT YOU ALL FUCKING WANT
Without her knowing. I use the computer before she is awake. She would never understand me, nobody does.
I turn on the internet, and they come online. The sluts, the whores, the fakers, everything I ever wanted in text fourm.
I want them to be real. so many fakers, all of them! except a few! one actually. Don't give a shit, she has what I need. What I want. I'll do anything for it. She? She can't understand me. I tried everything. She wouldn't get it! how could she? Ofcource she never wants anything to do with me!
But these women, oh yes these women. They call me daddy, they call me master.
Just like how I want to call someone that one day. I want to be what they say they are.
I am scared. I am angry. I see what is happening in front of me. It is her father, she knocks her down on glass. She kicks her, screams at her, tell her how everything is her fault.
Her new stereroid medication had some side effects. She started it. He finished it.
Like he always has done.
Just like it has always been done to me.
I sit alone now. In nothing. I am nothing. She is on the internet, a state away. My online friends are the only friends I know. Her? reduced to nothing but points on a screen.
I talk to her, even if I have to. I give her what she wants.
I fucking hate it sometimes, and I should be leaving her.
I did leave her. Then I took it back.
What the fuck is wrong with me? She gave you years of hell....
It doesn't matter now.
I stink. I haven't showered for months. My keyboard is greacy and my f-list account well used. I use skype sometimes, she is the only one I talk to. She enjoys it too, and resents me. She hates me. She always hates me. No matter what I do. I did this for myself but why should I do that? I can't do anything for myself.
why should I? She comes first, no matter how much I fucking hate it.
Today is the first time I stood up to her. Today is the first day she knows the truth. Today is the first day of what will change my life. Today will be the worst day of my whole life. Today, she leaves.
And for good this time.
We meet. Though a mutual friend. It is a beautiful snowy night in Stayton. We loved walking through it even though we known eachother less than a week. My heart ached for another but she saw through that, and through her I felt better.
I chased her through the snow. She didn't run very fast but I still chased her. We laugh and we at the snow.
...
I look at her, my arm around her shoulder. She pulls me in closer. I don't know what to do or what to say. I want to fuck and I want to get close. We already tried that once but I chickened out of it.
I look at her, and wonder "how long will this last?"
Hell. That is where I am at right now. They are ALL against me. Every last one. They walk on the street, behind me, in front of me. I can't go to work, though I have to. I can't breathe, and I can't do anything. I need anyone, anything! ANYTHING
PLEASE
FUCKING HELP ME
You will help me won't you? Please... I will do anything JUST BE HERE WITH ME.
Please..... don't leave me alone......
"WHELL FUCK YOU" I reply to the lamp she just thrown at me.
"YOU FUCKING SONOVABITCH! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR GODDAMN PROBLEM"
"FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU" I charge at her, my fist goes right into the bottom of her ribs, the wind knocked out of her for only a second.
Before She lifts me by my arm, and slams me hard through a table.
"YOU SEE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, I ALWAYS GET MY GODDAMN WAY!"
I grab her ankle, and pulled. She budged, and moved as I tried my best to budge it, before I give her a hard hit. Right in the clit.
....
Awkward stares at eachother at the hospital. Another debt for the pile.
It takes months to get over what happened.
I sit here, reliving all these memories. I look back at them, long and hard....
You may think I think of you like that, but i don't. I cant stand you, but I miss you. You don't arouse me, but your actions do.
My concern is that you won't be able to see how I feel. Nor care. That you truly do hate me, and that you will ruin my life simply for the pleasure of me suffering.
I wish things were different.
I can PRODUCE NOW :D :D :D :D
Posted 13 years agoYes that is right, your one and only can produce! I have figured out how to use cheap shitty soundcards to record multiple tracks! Of course I lack enough soundcards yet, but I figured out how to do it! And soundcards are pretty damn cheap!
Also figured out how to route Abox through FL studio, so I finally have a use for those complex damn synthisizers I work on for 3 days. :D
Also, I am applying myself and learning how to play keyboard well. I have mastered Dorian in C, but I am gonna work on my Dorian scales. I am learning G at the moment, and I hope to get good at it. c:
Also figured out how to route Abox through FL studio, so I finally have a use for those complex damn synthisizers I work on for 3 days. :D
Also, I am applying myself and learning how to play keyboard well. I have mastered Dorian in C, but I am gonna work on my Dorian scales. I am learning G at the moment, and I hope to get good at it. c:
