I'm figuring some stuff out as I work through my mental illness and neurodivergence. I've had a lot of thoughts about Fei and how her genitals work. I've always had intense genital dysphoria that's hard to understand, so I 100% didn't want her to ever have a penis. Me neither. For a short time though, I was considering getting a bottom surgery that doesn't build a vagina, or to just get an orchiectomy. I was considering drawing up a new reference for Fei that showed she can't take anything up her pussy and indulges in anal infrequently. After working through a lot of memories of trauma and pain, though, I realized I've wanted a vagina so bad, it's hurting me to think otherwise.

Thing is, I'm nonbinary. I always wanted to be a girl, but I liked a lot of boy things like video games, and I wanted to be a magical warrior with a sword. This confused me because I didn't know what nonbinary was until much, much later in life. I wanted to get a sex change, but I thought you had to uproot your life and start over as female to do that. I didn't think anyone would let me have the surgery I wanted unless I went against myself.

Now, I'm more mature, I know a lot more, and I'm a complete pacifist. When I learned what nonbinary was... my experience had taught me it was a delusion. It wasn't until I transitioned fully and gave high femme appearance a good shakedown that I realized it wasn't always for me. I'm genderfluid and nonbinary, often times occupying a space between male and female, or maybe even separate from them. Dresses make me feel pretty and valid, but I'm just as often more comfortable in leggings and a tank top with no bra.

So I'm thinking that for Fei, I want her to be transgender and nonbinary like me. She's my fursona after all. She wouldn't have sought out hormone treatment until early adulthood, but she would have gotten surgery fairly early. She and I have all the same likes & dislikes but she's more confident as an idealized version of myself.

Basically I don't need to change much, but I'm getting over my art block so I wanna draw a new reference soon. I want to show off her height and features of being transfemme. I might even draw/comm some art from when she still had a penis...

Thinking about those shi/hir pronouns too.

I uploaded a bunch of comms I got recently on Twitter etc 😊 Hope you like them, I might have a few more on the way soon.

Wow, I did this three years ago? I thought I'd update it to reflect current me. I've come a long way this year and it's fun seeing just how far.

Original in pink, updates in purple

Basics

Name: Fei
Nickname: Fei-fei
Location: San Diego, CA (and loving it)
Age: 29 - 32 hehe
Height: 6'0"
Zodiac sign: Pisces, Year of the Tiger
Pets: None - Sort of want a rabbit
Favorite thing about yourself: Adaptability, persistence - mine boobs
Worst habit: Eating everything in the kitchen - wow I've literally completely lost this habit, now it's just picking at my skin
Fun fact: I can recite Monty Python's Spanish Inquisition sketch in German. (I'm hopefully less of a big nerd nowadays) - Ugh this is awful. stop the ride. uhm ok. I have a sewing machine from West Germany before the iron curtain fell. It is cast iron and weighs so much I'm afraid to keep it on my desk when I'm not using it.

Identity, Sexuality, Personality

Gender identity: Female, transgender. Very aware of the difficulties that brings. - Same and it's really working for me now!
Sexual preference: Pansexual, I like all kinds of body types. - Heck, same
Romantic preference: Definitely guys, but I've never been sure why. - Complete 180 here. Girls are great! My partner is nonbinary now though, so life is.. a little different 😉
"Kinsey Scale" score: 2 - 3 or 4, also pan
Relationship status: Happily taken for 4 years now. - 7 I guess! we look at it more like 9 based on our first date.
Myers-Briggs type: Never liked those tests, definitely more introverted though. - Holy shit. Fei Chandri has gained the trait - Gregarious. 💭
Hogwarts house: I never got into those books! - Ravenclaw.

Routine

"Early Bird" or "Night Owl": Early bird in summer, night owl in winter. Sometimes I stay up waaaay too late. I have to wake up at 5am every day for work... I'm a permanent early bird now lol
First thought in the morning: Bathroom - Shower.
Last thought before falling asleep at night: Usually pretty horny by then - Haha wow this doesn't happen anymore. Hormones completely change the way you have sex and feel horney. Nowadays I'm listening to music I like to wind down and thinking about story ideas.

School/Work

Do you work or are you a student: Work but hope to return to university in the next couple of years. - Nope. Working a wonderful job I love and on a career path in it. Once you have your foot in the door, degrees matter a lot less. I'm working on certificates though.
What do you do well: Skilled labor like electronics, repairs. Currently doing IT/help desk stuff. - Got a new job doing IT for the university! It's engaging! I love working with people and solving their problems.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years: Doing an apprenticeship or back in uni. - Ahh I'm almost there! I'm going to be working this job for the rest of my life because it's so queer friendly, and there's a pension. Though I do have the potential to transfer to another uni so I could have a change of venue in 5 or ten years. Maybe San Francisco?

Habits (Do you...?)

Drink: Rarely, but I enjoy it - Completely quit for health reasons. Alcohol is bad for your liver!
Smoke: Used to, it really sucks - Never again!
Do Drugs: 420 on very rare occasions and with the right kind of people - Same but it's easier now that adult use is legal.
Exercise: Long walks and yoga, want to get into running - I got into running! I love it! I also have been starting to hike in the back country.
Have a go-to comfort food: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - Still love em, but snack on apples a lot more now. They are on-brand.
Have a nervous habit: Playing with my earrings, apparently! - Yep, still fidget with anything near my hands. My phone case is cracked because of this.

What is your favorite...?

Physical quality (in yourself): Height (it's handy) - boobs lol, also my super soft skin
In others: Muscle tone - heck
Mental/emotional quality (in yourself): When I really get interested in something I throw my whole being into it, at least for a while. Makes it easy to acquire new skills (mostly) but then it'll be the only thing I can talk about. - Ahh I still get this but now! I feel stuff! I have a palette of moods I never dreamed of. I laugh, I cry, I cry tears of joy, I get a little ticked off, and each one moves me physically. I'm still getting used to this.
Food: Kiwifruit. I eat the skin. I also love baking fresh bread. - Apples. There are so many apples. Kiwifruit are still good though, with skin.
Drink: Green tea - Spring water or mineral water.
Animal: Red pandas for life - Did you really think this would change?
Color: Purple - Ditto[/color
Artist/Band/Group: [color=pink]Wowwwww that's a hard question, I'm usually looking for new music, I'll get obsessed with some for a while but it never sticks. Really into Yes and Pink Floyd, though. - Just discovered CHVRCHES and I love their song "Playing Dead."
Author/Poet: Milan Kundera - Iain M. Banks changed the way I view both fiction and real life.
Actor/Actress: Gary Oldman - Ryan Gosling 😍
Blogger: Mark Rosenfelder - David Giraud, but blogs are dead.

Well that was lovely to share and revisit! Here's to another 3 years.

Guh!!

I spent a lot of this year depressed. I worked with a great therapist and psychiatrist though, and got some meds that are really working out for me. I'm also making amazing progress on my transition so that feels wonderful.

I have a few pieces of art that I have been sitting on, will be posting those over the next few days. I also need to revise my fursona because I've been coming to terms with a lot of stuff about me and I want her to reflect that!

Love you all! 💖

Why not, because my main profile is kinda bare anyway. I love memes :3

Basics

Name: Fei
Nickname: Fei-fei
Location: San Diego, CA (and loving it)
Age: 29
Height: 6'0"
Zodiac sign: Pisces, Year of the Tiger
Pets: None
Favorite thing about yourself: Adaptability, persistence
Worst habit: Eating everything in the kitchen
Fun fact: I can recite Monty Python's Spanish Inquisition sketch in German. (I'm hopefully less of a big nerd nowadays)

Identity, Sexuality, Personality

Gender identity: Female, transgender. Very aware of the difficulties that brings.
Sexual preference: Pansexual, I like all kinds of body types.
Romantic preference: Definitely guys, but I've never been sure why.
"Kinsey Scale" score: 2
Relationship status: Happily taken for 4 years now.
Myers-Briggs type: Never liked those tests, definitely more introverted though.
Hogwarts house: I never got into those books!

Routine

"Early Bird" or "Night Owl": Early bird in summer, night owl in winter. Sometimes I stay up waaaay too late.
First thought in the morning: Bathroom
Last thought before falling asleep at night: Usually pretty horny by then

School/Work

Do you work or are you a student: Work but hope to return to university in the next couple of years.
What do you do well: Skilled labor like electronics, repairs. Currently doing IT/help desk stuff.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years: Doing an apprenticeship or back in uni.

Habits (Do you...?)

Drink: Rarely, but I enjoy it
Smoke: Used to, it really sucks
Do Drugs: 420 on very rare occasions and with the right kind of people
Exercise: Long walks and yoga, want to get into running
Have a go-to comfort food: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
Have a nervous habit: Playing with my earrings, apparently!

What is your favorite...?

Physical quality (in yourself): Height (it's handy)
In others: Muscle tone
Mental/emotional quality (in yourself): When I really get interested in something I throw my whole being into it, at least for a while. Makes it easy to acquire new skills (mostly) but then it'll be the only thing I can talk about.
Food: Kiwifruit. I eat the skin. I also love baking fresh bread.
Drink: Green tea
Animal: Red pandas for life
Color: Purple
Artist/Band/Group: Wowwwww that's a hard question, I'm usually looking for new music, I'll get obsessed with some for a while but it never sticks. Really into Yes and Pink Floyd, though.
Author/Poet: Milan Kundera
Actor/Actress: Gary Oldman
Blogger: Mark Rosenfelder


Alright! Hopefully that's as interesting for you as it was for me.

Haven't had much time to sit down and practice drawing, but I thought I could maybe try writing out some of my ideas in prose. I actually used to be pretty serious about writing fiction, but lost focus. I'm getting my voice back though and it's really encouraging :D

So I'm writing a short story about Fei. It's about halfway done. I really think in terms of narrative anyway, even if it's just an idea for a single picture, so this is a way to fill in a lot of the gaps.

Gonna finish this up over the next couple of days, then try to focus on some drawing again. It's mostly a motivation problem, really hope I can get over it.

So the last time I really did some serious drawing was about 10 years ago, back in college. Now I'm trying to come back to it and there's still some of it there, but I've lost so much :< I'm trying to learn to draw with a tablet at the same time, too, so it's a steep learning curve for me.

I finally got an avatar I'm satisfied with, though, at least for now. So, now I feel like I can move on to other stuff now that that's out of the way.

Well tonight I read  demicoeur's Cinderfrost comic and well, um. I guess it pushed the right buttons because I want to just curl up and cry over part of it. I really like unicorns and I'd be extra sad if my unicorn boyfriend just disappeared forever >.<

Anyway it's a cute comic so far, if a little rough around the edges. Not how I would do a story but hey I'm not the one doing it. I'm anxious to see how it all gets resolved.