Let's keep this Bi-yearly-ish cadence going! Life goes on and, well, I've certainly had a few exciting developments over the last couple of months. Writing these kind of public diaries is actually pretty chill, just kind of shooting a bunch of thoughts into the void and letting anyone curious get a glimpse. Next step I'm gonna start beaming these into space, Arecibo message style.

https://youtu.be/KFCuqc43_BE
So here it is, all of me
There's plenty words in there but still a missing piece
It has it all, hopefully
And if you like it, you can keep the book of me

Last time I did a quick table of contents, and that was actually pretty nice for organization, so let's do it again!
- Student Life
- Big events, prior and upcoming
- Mental Health

So, the big one: I'm a student pilot now. And in a few months, I'll be a private pilot. Couple of years? Commercial.

Sometimes, dreams do come true. This has been a passion project in the works for quite a while now, and now that I've started to reap what I've sown? It's an amazing feeling. The last 2 months were spent studying up hard on PPL theory, and getting a half dozen flight hours. Couple a days ago, my exams, 9 topics, and all 9 passed first try. Got a couple of them flawless, even. All I've left to do now, is just... Fly, a lot. And get my radio cert. ATPL theory starts in the new year, so until then, it's just a hell of a lot of flying, assuming the Danish winter weather allows. No anti-ice on the TB-9 we fly, so hopefully it'll be a warm-ish winter.

It feels like I've finally fallen into place with the job that's made for me. The theory sticks to me like glue, I've always been a quick learner and this is no different, and it's topics I'm truly passionate about. None of that college stuff where half your week is full of lectures you can't stand. Every single day is something exciting, and essential, to safe flying. Homework is relatively light, since I'm so quick to pick up the theory, so my free time is probably even better now than it was when I was working the laundry route. It's overall just been very nice.

The only tight spot is the economics. Not that I'm suffering, I've got a good bank loan, and a promise that they'll support me the whole way. Still live on my own, in my own house, and it's just... Nice. But yeah, not a lot of money for luxuries, haven't gotten any art in quite a while, and it'll continue to be a rarity for a long time. My biggest recent expense was the LEGO Concorde. I'm a pilot, I had to.

So, aside from my exams, what's been happening? Well, my cousin got married. Yesterday! Day after my exams, been a busy weekend. The wedding was nice, and the reception after was a lot of fun. Heard some beautiful speeches, ate some good food. Never been big on parties, but it was chill enough, and it's nice to catch up with the extended family now and again.

On the side of smaller events, I've been bouncing a bit from community to community, as I do. My social anxiety is still... Very high, and I have a hard time keeping up with a lot of different circles. If I'm not actively invited, I have a hard time making myself known and present. Still, my social life has started feeling... Stable, again. There's drama here and there, nobody's perfect, but I feel like I have a group of people I can actually count on again. And of course, anyone who knows me is always welcome to come say hi, play some games, have a chat, the works. I'm just absolutely horrible at keeping up with that. I start maybe a single DM conversation a week.

My mental health is good, even if there's still a few significant road-bumps on the way to feeling perfectly fine. I have the occasional evening of indulging in some sad music and retrospection, thinking about 'could've been's and 'might've happened's. There are also several people from my past who are still holding a grudge, occasionally contacting people I know to warn them about me. It's been almost 2 years since I've spoken to any of these people, yet they've been completely unable to move on, championing some kind of "Whisper Network" to keep the word going about my 'abusive nature'. It wasn't true 2 years ago and it's certainly not true now, but the amount of people who believe it seem to never decrease. And the worst part is, I've got no idea when it increases.

It does a great job of enhancing my already existing social anxiety. Not only do I have to worry about if people enjoy my company or not, I have to worry about whether they've heard from the "Whisper network" that I'm a predatory abusive asshole. Some days it's absolutely crippling, and others, just... Mostly crippling! zvz I dunno, I've gotten back on F-List occasionally, but all I really do is idle in some of the public rooms and wait for people to approach me. My Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is present and accounted for, and well, yeah. Making new friends, hell, even talking to old friends, it's never easy for me. It's work, often work that's worth it, but not work I always have the energy for. And it feels horrible. I wish I could do more for people, especially those that really do care about me.

The good thing is that, at least as far as the pilot stuff goes, things aren't going down in flames on the social side. My classmates are all 5+ years younger than me, so there are certainly differing interests, but in the classroom we all get along swell. Which is good, because aviation is sort of a field where running lone wolf is frowned upon. But never had a problem working with people in that sort of capacity. It's only really a problem on the private side.

On the topic of private side, still single. Comin' up on 2 years now, and it's... Well, it is what it is. I'm not miserable, but I've never been happy with being single, even if I can be happy while single. Crippling social anxiety doesn't exactly make the idea of dating easy, even if I actually really like dating. RSD is also a bitch here, naturally. And I'm not in a rush, but at the same time, I feel like I'm at the point where I should be looking more actively, making some moves. Working for it. I'd be lying if I said there aren't people in my life who I've been tempted to ask out, but simply am too nervous to. In time I'll probably build more confidence, and well, if the past is anything to go by, perhaps some day I'll be approached first by some lovely lady or gentleman.

One can dream! My life is probably gonna be pretty turbulent for a while. Time off is a precious commodity at the flight academy, and often comes in single days, not long stretches. Vacations are not just something I don't have much time for, but also don't have the economy to support. Of course, I've spent much of my love life in long distance relationships, and honestly... They're comfy. I may prefer closeness, and I'd never go into something with no endpoint sometime in the future as live-in, but at the same time, for the right person? Half a decade long distance? Sure, why not. There's a lot more to love than the physical. And well, I neither have the personality type or the confidence to go clubbing in town, snrk.

Dating within the furry community isn't easy either though. You'd think being Pan would make things easy, but preferring closed monogamous-ish stuff seems to be a killer these days. To each their own of course, I respect people who can do the more free love poly stuff, just ain't for me. I'm a clingy boi, and I honestly, I want someone who's a little clingy right back. It's nice to feel wanted. Hopefully sometime in the future, I can send out invites to my own wedding. (Or you know, probably civil union or w/e you wanna call it. Jesus and Co. can stay outta my biz.)

Alright, coming up to the end of this big ol' lore dump. I'm a pilot now, still a nervous wreck, still a single pringle ready to mingle. As always, if you've come this far in my little diary entry I salute thee, thanks for keeping me company. My Discord and Tele are public and always open, if you wanna have a chat with little ol' socially awkward me. Always a pleasure to meet new faces, or catch up with old ones!

Whoah, it's already that time of the year? Your... Bi-yearly-ish update on the goings on of my life. (Can we just appreciate how bi-yearly means both twice a year, and once every two years? English, a wonderful language) This might be a long one, there's been quite a few things going on, and I'm going to make a big old promise to myself that I'm probably going to break, but at least if I put it in public I can peer pressure myself into trying to live up to it! The joys of writing what is basically a public diary.

Let's put down a quick table of contents for organizations sake.
- Work Life
- Future Endeavors
- Mental Health
- Life Goals and how to get there.

Kicking us off, my Work Life has been pretty alright. I took a pretty serious cut in hours and pay around the New Year, I work in a pretty seasonal industry, but that's allowed me a lot of time to just... Relax, and work on a cute little endeavor you're going to hear about soon. My bank account is... Fine, but my luxury expenses have been curtailed a bit, and as such, the rate of acquiring art has dropped. (Not to mention, I'm very bad at uploading my art to FA, it's effort.) This'll probably be the case for at least the next 2.5 years, as well. I'll probably make exceptions only for really good deals, or getting art with people I'm close to. The good news is, winter is over, spring is here, and summer is rapidly approaching. That means the seasonal high, and that means my hours being doubled, with my pay following suit. And as soon as the seasonal high is over, I'll... Be resigning. I've worked this job for around 8 years, and it's time for me to move on. What'll I be moving on to? Well, let's see!

Future Endeavors
It's been a real hassle, and honestly, along the road, I've had my doubts. Which means, most of this has been happening in the background with only very close friends getting semi-regular updates. But as the pieces fall into place, I feel more comfortable talking about it openly. I had to go to a Psych, get my ADHD diagnosis formally revoked, and in exchange... I've got a class 1 medical aviation certificate. I'm going to become a pilot! I believe I've got the economic plan down to the last few details now as well, as I've been in talks with the bank that works closely with the place I aim to study at. It's a 2 year integrated course, and by the end, I'll be IR, CPL, Multicrew and all kinds of fun certified. I'll be honest, becoming a student again, at 26, is terrifying. But aviation is a huge passion of mine, and becoming a pilot is a dream that I will pursue until I no longer can. I'm aiming to start in August, right after stopping my current job, and that means Summer 2025 is my goal to graduate with my wings. It's exciting, and terrifying, but this is a career, a life, that I want to earn for myself.

Mental Health
So, how've I been doing? Honestly, some days, great, others? Not so much. The bad days hit out of nowhere, like they always do, but at least they hit with less force, and less often. They don't cripple me, but they do give me a big dose of anxiety. I simultaneously want to isolate myself, and cuddle up to someone who'll keep me safe. I usually put on some music, try to calm my nerves, and just walk through all the reasons I'm anxious, and all the reasons I shouldn't be. It doesn't always work, but having a process helps in and of itself. I'm doing better than I was, and I'm getting back my confidence, slowly but surely. I still feel the need to fill as little space as possible. I lurk in group chats, I still don't DM people, basically ever, from just social anxiety alone. I'm happy to respond to the messages I get, happy to keep up conversation when someone else starts it. But something as simple as introducing myself to people that I want to get to know? Basically impossible still. At this point I'm not sure when I'll relearn these skills. But I'm still unabashedly myself, always. And I'm going to try to branch out more, fill more space. It's gonna be hard, and I'm gonna fail a lot. But maybe in... What, a years time, I'll be able to meet new people, and actually act on that little voice in my head that says "Hey, spend more time with this person!"

Which brings us to... What are my current goals, outside of my career pursuits?
Having the next few years of my work / study life figured is all well and good, but there's more to life than the 9 to 5. My personal life is still... In rough shape. Coming up to a year and a half since my big ol' messy break up, and most of the people that 'disowned' me back then have still kept quiet. Some of the communities I shared with them straight up kicked me, and others, I myself choose to leave in one way or another. Which ended up with me having very little community left. The joys of dating within the fandom, when your relationship blows up and suddenly 20 people hate your guts, it gets very hard to find a place you're comfortable in, whether that hate is justified or not. Hell, even today, right now, some of my best friends, have best friends that hate me. And that means I don't get to have a tight knit community. That means I get to stay in the outer orbits of some of the people I like spending time with the most, because for them to drag me closer, would be to invite conflict and drama that neither of us want. That means, when I get an invite to a Discord server, I have to have a panic attack in case me hitting that 'join' button is about to cause another "event".

And frankly I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like I can't partake in spaces that I want to partake in, because there are people in those spaces who don't understand how to handle their own feelings, and deal with the conflict in their lives. So that's the promise I'm going to make to myself, the promise that I'm not going to give a shit who makes a fuss when I join a space. If they have a problem with me, they can sort it with me, or they can keep it to themselves. But I know that people are going to talk, I know rumors are going to spread, I know that the people who don't like me, will feel like they have to spread that dislike so they don't have to deal with me. But if that's what's going to happen, then it's what's going to happen. I'm gonna start taking up space again, I'm gonna start branching out again. I'm going to just... Be where I want to be in these sub-communities, and whatever fall-out that causes, I'll deal with it. That's my promise to myself, stop worrying about who will start a panic when you join a space. Because I know who I am, and I know that I'm not the person these people have made up in their minds, the person these people knew almost 2 years ago now.

I'm tired of being lonely, I'm tired of not having a tight knit community. I'm tired of being on the outer orbits of these friend circles, so I'm going to stop worrying, and start branching out. I'm going to become a problem, and I'm going to revel in it, not because I want to make people uncomfortable, but because I want to prove to myself and others that I'm a positive force in the world, in these spaces. Among other things I'll try to become active on F-Chat again, ( https://www.f-list.net/c/felix%20azure/ ), because I actually really enjoy it. I'm going to try to just... Exist more. Even if there are people that wish I'd just get off the internet for good, I'm tired of trying to appease them. I do exist, and I deserve to. I've always told myself, if someone's made up their mind about you, it's not on you to change their mind. You just have to keep doing what you're doing, and eventually, they'll look like fools. And I haven't been living up to that, in part because... Well, this community has a thing about gossip spreading like wildfire and becoming fact. And I've just been trying to avoid it, but I've been making myself miserable doing it, and I'm not going to do it anymore. And if that causes a few scandals, well, it'll be an exciting future at least. And at least then there'll be less dumb tension in the air everywhere I go.

I exist, and it's time to start proving it to the world. I'll hopefully see you out there! Have a good one. ^v^

Alternative title: Late night thoughts that I need to get out of my head to go to sleep, so may as well write them down.

It's also been a year since I wrote the first of these, and quite long still since the most recent all the way back in Feb. Been a wild ride since, some ups and downs. Mostly though, things have been looking up.

It'll be my birthday in a couple days. Nov 29. I'll be 26. Time keeps tickin'. I've got no real plans for the day but I'll be seeing family for most of tomorrow, so it's a chill time. Been on paid time off the last 2 weeks and will be the next week too. Just taking a vacation to nowhere to cool down a bit. Work is busy, kind of frustrating but pays well. Though my working situation will change in the coming year, one way or another. More on that further down.

I'm still pretty lonely, outside of good relations with my family. I've got a couple close friends, and many people who truly are dear to me. But it's never felt like I had... A real close knit squad, to be part of. Frankly I've never felt that way. When I've been in relationships they tend to take up a lot of my social budget, and honestly I prefer it that way. I'm not particularly clingy, as such, but what little social energy I can manage I prefer to spend with the closest people I've got. And yeah that's on me, even if I've got excuses, I can't expect someone to come along and adopt me into their tight knit friend group. I need to make an effort of my own, and honestly after almost a year of just... Letting the chips fall where they may, I finally feel somewhat ready to start making more of an effort. I'm always gonna be an introvert though, it'll never be effortless. But I've finally got the spare spoons.

Took a vacation to Texas back in the summer, met a couple friends. Had more involved plans but they sort of fell through. Still, got to see some nice sights and hang out with some of my favorite people so not a massive loss. The change of plans took a little bite out of my wallet though, not so far that I've been in trouble but certainly wishing I had a little more spending money. As a result I've been getting little to no art for a while now. That'll probably continue, too. If things go well, my finances will be tighter than ever. Funny contradiction that, huh? If things go well, I'll be strapped for cash for a while.

So why is that? Well it's related to the possible new working situation mentioned above. With my recently renewed motivation and energy I've been getting my ass back into gear. Looking into options, leaving my current work situation for something I'm more passionate about. Aviation. If luck's on my side, come February next year I'll be a student pilot. If I'm not lucky... Well, I've already got my Class 1 Medical signed off on, so it's just a matter of time. Finances are the big roadblock, and I'll be speaking to my bank on my birthday, of all days, to see about getting some kind of student loan set up. Being a pilot has always seemed a bit out of reach for me, but I finally started looking into it proper, doing a little risk assessment and then just... Going for it. Worst case I waste a little more of my salary getting some fancy paperwork, best case? Dream job.

The big worry going in was my ADHD diagnosis. I've been unmedicated since my teens, and the symptoms that affect my ability to be a pilot, anger management, attention issues, hyperactivity, those traits are things that I've been working on improving big time. Some of those issues barely ever presented in the first place. Now? It's sounding like I'm either gonna have the diagnosis straight up reversed or just stamped "Mild enough to be a non-issue". Exciting news. I still identify strongly with many aspects of my ADHD, but I've never considered it a "Learning disability" or similar. It just doesn't present like that in me.

That's basically all of the big news. Housecleaning items follow.

Ukraine war has been... A thing. I saw the build-up during February and immediate prepared for the news. And ever since the invasion, my eyes have been on the conflict almost daily. My heart goes out to all the people of Ukraine, and those caught in the chaos as Russia itself burns to the ground. My heart breaks every time I hear of more terror bombing, of more of my Ukrainian friends losing access to power, water, other utilities. Every life lost is a tragedy, but I wholeheartedly support the Ukrainian effort to take back their lands with whatever force may be necessary. I hope for a swift end but it seems clear that negotiations are a long shot as long as Putin remains in power.

In more lighthearted news, Elon bought out Twitter, and is proceeding to basically raze it to the ground. Whether or not it'll recover is up in the air, but hey, such is life. As always, most of my socials are publicly available and open to anyone. Come say hi :> I'm not exactly a social genius but I'm an optimistic, happy go lucky guy who's maybe not always got much to say.

In yet other news, still getting shunned by more people than I can count to. Some for which I know the reason, some I don't. And I'll freely admit to making plenty of mistakes ever since I materialized in the community, though none so great as to deserve coordinated action. Yet still it persists. Long time friends who suddenly ghosted me after my relationship blew up, who never took the time to get back in touch after the embers burned out. People who formed their opinion of me long before even meeting me, intending never to meet me at all. I still run hypothetical situations in my head now and again, through conversations that will probably never happen with people I'll never speak to again.

Though surprisingly I have started chatting occasionally to some people I had previously written off. Life's full of twists and turns. Either way I can finally start thinking of the past without cringing. Without wishing I could go back and change things. Without taking twisted pleasure in all the ways those people's lives went off the rails after we parted. Not proud of that last one, but when people've treated you like trash, you gotta take solace where you can. Yet still I truly believe that no matter who tries to talk to me, old or new, friend or foe, I can greet them with positivity and respect.

These people tried to tear me down, yet all they did was reinforce me. And frankly I appreciate it, it gave me a fresh perspective on my own actions, on my own traits. Which things needed to go, which needed to stay. Because don't get me wrong, I wasn't perfect. Still am not. Yet I'm closer to being who I want to be, who I want the people around me to be. Understanding, accepting, supportive.

I hope you all have a good one. Much love <3

Doubt I'll make a habit of this but I figure I should at least put something a bit more up to date up. The time leading up to and away from the New Year have been a real rollercoaster, and in a lot of ways I'm in a much better place, though there are certainly parts of myself I have to work hard on, harder than I've ever had to. Despite feeling like I'm in a very good place most days, there are bouts of anxiety, depression and frankly at times dread. And it's hard for me to feel like those feelings are entirely valid when an hour later I can be in a perfectly fine place again.

Yet there's no doubt in my rational mind that, of course what I feel is valid, even if it only rears its ugly head on occasion. Though just because it's valid does not mean it's not irrational, and there are certainly large parts of my anxiety that come from irrationality, though it's grounded in trauma, both recent and long standing. I wish I could fight it, I wish I could get better, faster. I have the energy to do it, I have the spirit, but it's hard to attack a problem that's not grounded entirely in reality.

Another issue is where the anxiety lies. My RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, a very common and frankly torturous part of ADHD)
It's gotten really bad, worse than it's ever been. There's a stark contrast between my newly gained self-confidence, my sense of worth, versus an ever present drone in the back of my head telling me that... No one cares about me. That despite all the good I do, all the potential I have, my willingness to be of help, to support, to just be a friend, no one can see it. That I'm a burden, that the people who take the time to talk to me do so out of... Some weird twisted pity. That the people I talk to only take the time out of day because they'd rather play along than confront me about how they'd rather not be bothered.

And that's not really fair to them. I love my friends, I appreciate every single one, even if they don't have the energy for me, even if they do but just happen to be busy with something else. I know how hard it can be to be social, to talk to people, to keep up. But I've been burned so many times, had so many people call me a friend and yet... Stab me in the back when it really mattered. It's scarring. It's frustrating. I was born with this fucking idea that nobody likes me, and I've spent so much of my life trying to teach myself that it's wrong yet I suffer these incredible setbacks because, no matter how irrational the thought of "Nobody actually likes you" is, the fact is... There are people out there who will, who will play along, who will make promises they can't keep, who won't set up healthy boundaries and resent you when you unknowingly cross them. People that will judge you for your actions even when you're having a terrible day, even when you're lashing out in anger, in fear. No matter how justified it might be.

And they're so few and far between. But when you've learnt that even people you considered close friends will do it? You... You never feel safe. You always feel the need to double check, to triple check. And I don't want to put that on my friends, I don't want to be the guy that asks "Do you actually like me?" "I'm not annoying, right?" "Please tell me if I'm doing something wrong"

But... Maybe I have to be. At least for a little while. Because it's going to take me time to rebuild that confidence, not my confidence in my own worth but the confidence that others can see that worth. That my worth is important enough to others. I need to build healthy relationships, I need to dismiss these irrational fears, I need to build up my mental health, I need to start working around my RSD in healthy ways again.


But it's hard. I'm trying to make more of a habit of opening conversations with people, checking in now and again. But I'm still terrified to ask anyone to spend time with me. To hang out. I still have second thoughts every time I talk to someone, every time I take up space, no matter how little. And the fact is, rationally, I know I shouldn't be so afraid. That I should take up space, that I should make myself known, and that if anyone has a problem with it, it's not on me if they're not going to say. There's a fine line between taking up a suitable amount of space and being straight up obnoxious but frankly I think it would be almost impossible for me to reasonably overstep that line anytime soon.

It still hurts when I go weeks without hearing from people I love, yet the simple solution is to engage with them. And that's very hard for me, and it will continue to be for a long time. But I'll at least take solace that no matter how bad I might feel, no matter how much my brain'll take the irrational route of "They just don't like you enough to say hi regularly", I'll never sink to the point of blaming people for not engaging with me. No matter how bad it might make me feel. Because I have ways to take charge, to engage. And I don't have a perfect idea of what's going on in the lives of the people around me, why they might not have the time, or energy, or just happened to forget, to check in now and again.

There are people in my life who've hurt me, who'll never be accountable for that hurt. There are people in my life who've hurt me, who maybe years from now will realize and come to make amends. There're people I've hurt, that I've tried in vain to reconcile with. There's so many loose ends, things that keep my mind occupied that I need to just... Let go.

I can only do my best, I can only be me, I can only be confident in my growth, my skills, my compassion, my worth. I'm my own worst critic, I always will be, I'll keep growing, I'll keep being accountable, I'll keep changing for the better.

And I will, slowly but surely, start taking up more space. Because I know I'm worth it. And that the people who want the best for me will cheer me on, be it silently or out loud.

My life is headed good places. I'm in no rush. I'll slowly but surely get my issues sorted. Keep growing, keep changing for the better.

And to everyone else, I'll say this: You have worth, and it's not dictated by your worth to others, you are loved, in ways you might not even know, and the world is better for having you in it. Stay strong, move forward, keep growing.

Cheers ^v^

"Compromise where you can. Where you can't, don't. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right. Even if the whole world is telling you to move, it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye, and say, 'No, you move'."

I have no idea who's going to read this, if anyone at all. But if you are, thank you. Even if you're just curious, or if you're genuinely worried about how I'm doing, it's just... Nice to be heard.

I've had issues with self confidence for a long time. I've tried to minimize myself, for a long time, because I was worried that who I am was... Annoying, even problematic. That I had to do better, that I had to become more than I am before I was worth anyone's time. But that's not the case. For me, as well as most. We're all flawed, I think we've all hurt people we never wanted to hurt, just by being... Ourselves. And that can be scarring, that can make you doubt yourself. But... The fact is, we can never make sure we do no harm to anyone. It's impossible. But it's not impossible to heal that damage. It's important to realize you're flawed but it's just as important to understand that it's not an excuse. You don't get to say "I'm flawed, so are you, deal with it." We have a duty to improve, to grow, to make up for our own short-comings the best we can.

But you can't force people to heal. Not everyone you hurt will tell you, in fact most won't. From small slights that fade by themselves over time to big issues that are scary to bring up because... What if it turns into something worse? No matter what you'll always be on the back foot. And that can be hard, devastating even. All it takes is a streak of bad luck for things to pile up and.... You're done. The fact is, time doesn't heal all wounds. Untreated, they will fester, infect, scar in nasty ways. They'll stop bleeding, sure, but the healing will never be entirely complete. And if no one is willing to tell you how you're hurting them, then... It's almost impossible to do better. Change and growth requires guidance, requires input. I want to be challenged, I want my views and my actions under scrutiny because if they can't stand up to that, they're not worth keeping. I've changed a lot, my upbringing was pretty unpleasant, molded my mind in nasty ways, but I've triumphed countless times through that adversity, beaten my innate bias into submission and while most of it has faded there's still hints of unhealthy thinking in the background that I struggle with every day.

At the start of November my life changed. Drastically. My relationship went down in flames, despite my best efforts, at first to save it but then to just... Stay on friendly terms with the person I cared for. It was hard, it was a struggle, trying to piece everything together because no matter how much I scrutinized everything that happened I couldn't fully figure out what went wrong. Sure, I could come up with reasons but I couldn't make it all add up into such an explosive end. I realize now many of the mistakes I made, and many of the mistakes my counterpart made. It's easy to look back with hindsight and say "I shouldn't have done that" but the fact is, I did. It's who I was at the time, it's what I had to do, no one should blame me for making the decisions I did in good faith. And it was. Good faith from start to finish. With the knowledge I have now, just 10 days later, I would have acted very differently, I would have done better, and I will do better for everyone I know in the future. This has been a learning experience, one that I will always value.

But it's caused a lot of friction. I've changed quickly, drastically. I've learned a lot in a short time and... That's not how most people work, admittedly. It doesn't take as long for change to settle in me, it never has, and I'm proud of that, it's a trait I wouldn't give up for anything. I'm extremely empathetic, and flexible, almost... Moldable. It's something I have to be careful with because knowingly or not people will take advantage. If you give it, they will take it. And worse yet, if you have been giving it, and you need to stop, if you need to stand your ground and become rigid, just for a little while, just to deal with trauma, mental health issues, extreme life changes... No matter how much you can give it'll never be as much as you were. And some people will resent you for it. After so long lying down how dare you now stand up?

I can't do better for people who don't give me a chance to do better by them. Healing requires trust, and unfortunately I seem to have trouble building that with people. I'm an introvert, I keep to myself a lot, and every now and then I come out of the woodwork full of energy, recharged, ready to take the world by storm. If I'm around people I trust I'm exceptionally open, I expose my core and let it all breathe. It leads to mistakes. It leads to hurt. You drop your guard, you fuck up. I understand my limitations, my emotions, but it can be hard to judge how it affects others. And while I attempt to build this open image of myself, someone that anyone can come to, if they need help, or if they need to talk, about something I did or something completely out of my control, I'm always there for people. But I can't force anyone to take advantage of that, I can't make people engage with me and I have problems engaging with others because of my introversion and my self-doubt issues.

I don't want to cause drama and I'm not going to start naming names. A lot of these people, are people that I've hurt. I understand that, and I want to do better, but I can't do that in isolation. Yesterday I was booted from the community I held most dear. I disagree with the reasons, I wish I had been given a chance to explain myself, to heal the people I had hurt, to do better before getting thrown away. I understand that while it felt like the right call, emotionally, for them to make me leave, if they had wanted me to stay then they could've had that too. I am ever willing to admit wrong-doing, even if it's by accident. But I can't do better when a "List of 4 people I don't feel comfortable naming" all feel uncomfortable around me, without having... Told me that, I'm left cornered, without agency.

And maybe that's a hot take. Maybe "If someone is hurt, they should tell you, so you can do better" is not the 'right opinion'
I understand that a lot of people in the furry community at large have suffered trauma, from unhealthy family members to stigma from others. I understand that more people than not, have the background of "No matter how much I talked to the people that hurt me, it only ever hurt more"
But the fact is, as long as all parties mean well, as long as everyone wants to fix their mistakes, fix their hurt, then... We have to come together and talk, communicate.

I don't want to put an undue burden on the people I've made victims of, of those I have hurt. But I want to do better, I have good intent, I'm ready to heal. And I need at least an inkling of trust, some way inside, to make good on that intent.

It's been traumatic. For me to be treated as if I've had bad intent. And I have, for the last 10 days, I have. No matter how much the people I cared about told me that "They'd still be your friend" and "Wouldn't tell anyone you're abusive", the fact is I've not been afforded the trust necessary to do better, I've not had the resources to mend any of these wounds. Because they've been treating me like an abuser, even if they don't want to spread the word. And they've not afforded me the trust or good will one should a friend.

There's a couple of people who have stood by me. Been my rock in these hard times. To those, I say thank you. I appreciate it more than I can ever express.
To everyone else, I say... I hope some day we can heal. I hope to be back, I do. I understand why I'm being treated like this, even if I think it's unfair, even if I think the majority is wrong. It's okay to be wrong. It's okay to make mistakes. I did, and I expect forgiveness, a chance to prove myself better. And you all deserve the same. But I have to stand by my beliefs, by who I am. I know that what I've done, what I am doing, is the right thing. That doesn't make anyone else wrong. They're doing what they're doing because they think it's right, they have good intent.

I just wish I was afforded the same courtesy, the assumption of good intent. Because it's been preciously rare.

Thank you for reading.