I have not gave up yet. I'm still going to give it my best shot in living.
but should I stay in the darkness just so I can push my friends out of it?
they don't belong to the darkness as they should be happy and let them choose there own destiny.
I don't care if I have to be by myself in the world, I'm already used to it.

besides theres no place in the world for a monster like me.
There is only hell for me.

It doesn't feel the same ever since I tried to forget.
just can't get rid of this abyss in my heart.
no matter how hard I want to forget.
that unfriending left a scar in me and I don't know why it won't heal for the last year.
i mean really why does it have to be so much a burden to hold.
I mean i just wish I was forgiven for anything I did.
for the past year I've been trying so hard to just forget and move on but yet it still bugs me.

like why can't I heal this permanent black heart of mine.
I just wish I had an answer but I don't want you to have me as the kind of friend anymore.
just hoping you have a fun life y'know and that I know you would forget me so its ok.
I don't mind this kind of life even if I want to be left dead in the cold.

just wish to know the answer...

why did the mass shooting have to happen.
I really wish it didn't
this keeps happening over and over again but it just does not stop.
May those in the orlando shootings rest in peace.
I really do mourn for them and I wish it could of been prevented.
I wish I could bring them back and I would sacrifice anything to make it so.
Death is something nobody should joke about or use for political power.

I wish I had the power to be a hero or something.

just such a really sad time.

I mean doesn't anyone know what it feels like when your unable to bring back the one you have loved?
the one thats been around and your glad that they are there because they exist.

Its really painful because I've been the same way when I lost my sister.

just it doesn't feel right when politics and religion is involved when a human life is more important and most valued.

some days it feels like I'm going to forget who I am.
some days I have this deep hatred towards humanity.
some days I don't know what to do with pent up rage.
some days I even wish I didn't feel like im in a prison.
some days I wish i had more meaning to my life.
some days I wish I could feel what others feel.
some days I wish I can trust people fully.
some days If only i could hang out with those i want to hang out.
some days I always realized that others have it worse.
some days I wish i can live a worry free life.
some days I wish i was forgiven as a friend
some days I wish I can beat the shit out of people without getting kicked out or get sued or arrested over for.
some days I wish I can fall in love with multiple people(polyamory)
some days I wish people I like could fall for me and give me a chance.
some days I wish I was aloud to have friends in my life.
some days I wish friends could come over without having my family being noisy with what I do.
some days I'm just sick of human beings and there small complication in there drama life.

if only I can move on from the days I wish i could let go....

I small child once asked me.
>what happened to your wings sir.
I've replied with an answer I knew so well. As I've breathed out a big -sigh- I replied.
>I've torned them from my back because I don't want to be apart of any good or bad world.
The child asked why.
I replied with a good answer.
>I don't deserve them nor do I want to belong to a world full of people that wants to hurt each other.
>ruled over by anyone that manipulates or think badly of me.
>I feel at peace where I am at, sitting on a chair waiting.
Then the child ask.
>who are you waiting for?
then I've replied.
>its not who I am waiting for. I'm trying to learn for a way to let go and to forgive myself. I kind of just stopped caring a long time ago because of how much humans have stabbed behind my back.
>I've learn to let them keep stabbing me if it eases there own pain. I stopped being angry, or worried about them. I've learn to let them hit me as hard as they can and not even care for it.
>theirs no point in fighting an endless fight.

>I am never above or below anyone nor do I feel sad or happy.
>its best to leave child. or be stuck for eternity in my immortal hell.
The child disappears as it was an illusion.

So I was driving the other day(though was night time)
got into a car crash and the car was totalled.
I had the right of way but still feels like it was my fault as I was by myself that night with no witnesses.
was snowing that night 3 days ago.
the light was green and I was already there ready to take a left turn when I got hit by a car thats going by 45mph.
luckily only a concussion and scratched lip and a bruised leg that fell before me.
still a little shaken up but the front jeep was totalled.
luckily airbags came out and I was wearing my seatbelt and the insurence is covering the damage and my healthcare.

Now today I don't feel my usual self.
like why didn't I die?
I was almost at deaths door and yet I was spared.
still shaking a bit from the incident and hope to heal.
just wish I could go back in time or something and prevent the incident from happening.
just wish I could of reached someone sooner as I didn't have my phone.
I felt so alone and wish I did died.

but then again I don't think my sister wanted me to be the next one to pass away.
now my minds been feeling a bit different. kind of like I don't want people to come into my life anymore and at the same time I want to make up for my mistakes.
i'm not sure if I'm alive or dead....

All I can do is just sleep.
There is almost nothing left for me in this world to go for.
there's nobody I am interested in.
Theres no motivation for hobbies.
There is no such freedom for me.
my life now only consist of working, sleep, and enjoying the view of the world.
such a life with a lost mind of mine.
such memories lost away in the past that I do not cherish anymore.
I wonder when this madness will end for me.
not that I mind it as being or feeling alone bothered me anyways.
well not like these journals matter anyways, not many reads them.

looks like I'll be just another memory.
I just can't be friends with people anymore in this world y'know.
I don't enjoy talking with people much because something always feels wrong.

My mind just feels so blank, theres no emotions or any thoughts towards anything.
theres no negativity or positive things, its just blank and destroyed by those that put me down, forgotten about me, got rid of me for no reason.
got rid of me.....
at this point I kind of don't care if I lose everyone as to being alone is comforting enough.

everyone I've ever met is just fine without me anyways and its ok to keep moving on without me.

work on valentines day and exhausted XD
though theres this new coworker thats kind of pretty cute.
she likes dr.who which is awesome. >w<

yea everyone is now officially boring.
even life is pretty boring and I'm starting to not care for anyone.
I feel theres no place for me to call home anymore.
being alone doesn't bother me anymore even now that I know how crappy and annoying people can be.
I don't get people and how they feel.
I mean I don't know what they feel or think and i kind of just don't care anymore.
It seems pointless to drag things around.
I kind of wish life was more simple where I can just fight people with my fist instead of words.
now and days most talks are just blabber to me. I don't even care if I'm being yelled at or how ridiculously stupid I can be.
it all just seems pointless.
every human being seems pointless now and days.

I don't even want to be around people sometimes as everyone makes things feel awkward.
I mean whats the point in even trying.
I don't even care about being in relationships anymore as I'm really not comfortable in trying to be in one.
life just seems so pointless at this time and I hope to stay as dull as I can live.

thought of a tattoo design.
it shall be a huge black heart in the middle of my chest.

Asriel, you're not alone.

really just don't, I'm not the kind of person to care unless its for a good reason.
everyone has there own life and I'm not here to control any of them.
don't even assume too quickly on what I'm thinking or for who I am.
I've changes and I'm not here to play any games but to enjoy life even if threes destruction in my path.
those who have made my life feel bad in the past for what I did or about to do.
i don't even care on your thoughts of me. I'd even rather be alone then to have negativity in my life.
But I'm glad I made friends here in Alaska. kind of thought i was going to be alone for the longest time when i was in Germany.
but yea its either be with me or be without me.
if I were to make any negative impact in anyone's life I hope to make up for it. As long as it doesn't impact on anyone else life and ruin them.
otherwise I'm fine in the position i am at right now. I'm doing fine just kickboxing and sword fighting and being a furry.
even if I don't have dreams or motivation at least I can try and enjoy life. I have my own resolve into keep on living until my end comes.
plus I don't care about being better or worse then anyone. I care about having a challenge, one that gets my blood boiling.

I don't care about burning my bridges or creating them.
if you can't handle my flame then just get burned.

I won't forget the past but I won't let it hold me back anymore.
I won't even let my ADD be my weakness or my sisters death become my burden.

no blood, no bone, no ash.

the daleks are coming.
everyone run and hide :O

this job is totally going to help.
I just can't wait to start so I can save up for a car and fly to cons and stuff.
really excited and can't wait to meet others.
this also feels like a redemption man after so much mental abuse from people.
just want to get like all the stuff that includes cosplaying, furry, nerd gadgets, and computer stuff!
also this job has freaking benefits ::::D (yes i made a spider smile)

I will work my hardest and appreciate life as much as I can.
also not very interested too much in relationships lately as it is very dull.
I just wanna smoke and relax more as well. xP

I respect peoples free wills and everything.
and yet I just still don't get why I lost an important friend.
but to fully let go I will respect there decision.
even if there's no reason.
though it doesn't really bother me if that one person is gone from my life.
I'm not here to control anyone's free will or my own.
though what bothers me most is whats the reason behind being unfriended fully?
but I'm just a lowly human that has no say to anything.
I'm kind of right about myself that I am a lowly human being.
I don't know really, all my life I'm never really defend myself or even tried.
I kind of just gave up on fighting it all because its so much of a hassle. A hassle to fight for family, friends, and even myself.
I even gave up on wanting myself to die when I wish I wanted to.
so I'm here today to wonder in this human world not caring about the rules or judgement of others. How did I become this way?
am I a monster?
nothing feels good or bad anymore its all just senseless.
I remember the days where I have been kind and weak hearten.
I was a stupid idiot back then and I'm an idiot now. I've already get this after knowing how slow i am. But i don't blame my learning disability at all for not knowing words or technology or anything else that would progress human beings.
not good with explaining and forgetting important detail. I've always hated it but I've never blamed it.
now i just have no dreams for the future and I'm waiting for my time to come.
trying to have fun and enjoy life is a way to past the time for when i disappear someday.
I did wanted to leave a will for someone I truly cared about but now since that person will forget me.
everything must be buried to the ground with me.
The only things i will give away are my organs as my blood type Is O.
also long as human beings continue to live that's all it matters too me.
My own happiness is a blank slate and should not be thought about ever.
i don't even care if I ended up on the streets frozen and homeless. as long as others continue there lives mine doesn't even matter.
I'll keep going no matter what, so I'm making sure anyone who reads this know that I'm not going to off myself.
just dieing more quickly its all which i don't mind really.
because I've already helped as many human beings as I can.
even helped donated 56k$ to the local children hospital.
you know if I actually had over a billion dollars, I would burn all that cash in front of the government.


just going to end it here, too much random rambling that nobody is going to read since nobody ever truly cares anyways.
i won't hate you or love or sad or angry.
just very empty and not accepting anyone into my own heart.
I'll probably pretend to have emotions but I truly do not have any sadly.
though its odd even if i pretend that's real and yet i don't actually feel for it.

oh look more rambling.
whelp just ending it now.

looks like My heart for things is all gone.
i don't know what my dreams or motivations are.
its not that I was hurt by anything its just I gave away all that I was and now I'm just empty inside.
I do not feel the need to keep living but i have too.
maybe I'm at peace because i have nothing to offer or nothing to show for anything.
I'm no use to anyone in life or even myself.
I feel the only talent i have left is just fighting with my body.
I think this is ok for me.
I have no feelings for love anymore nor the passion for anything, even drawing or gaming.
no feelings for people anymore, not even hate, hatred,love, or compassion.
there no point in talking with a guy like me who has no interest in the world.
not going to lie but i wouldn't care ending up on the streets to die alone because of my uselessness.
I'm just a poor idiot who gave up on life. Even feeling like giving up on friends.
I wouldn't mind being isolated again.
so its ok to lose me.
its better to have your own free will to not worry about anything related to me.

not spending anymore. since I got fired for no reason(yes that is aloud here in Alaska) on the November 13th of Friday. I hereby hold myself into spending anymore. even if i were to starve myself or end up homeless.not spending it on anyone or anything until this partial suit of mine is finished. or until i find a new job which is freaking hard where i live T.T(took me two years before i got a jobwhich lasted me 8 months)

no seriously whats the deal with the food around here.

anyways I've been to at an end into understanding life and death.
too much to explain about them.

Also a self discovery for myself. looks like I enjoy having both female and male counterparts as company and other sexual dirty deeds from time to time as I have tried both sides.

recently got fired for no reason even after working for like 8 months. boss was a dick anyways.
so saving up the rest of my money to pay off citymutt 1000$ more when the time comes.

one another note was recently dating a female but she ended up breaking up with me.
so i said she was free to choose her path and that were still friends and what not.
which doesn't bother me at all really since I lost my heart a long long time ago.

besides the point in that it seems i have an interest still for both females and males and all alike.
i keep thinking that I'm like a incubus in a way. Though i still respect the normal mortal beings of females and males.
because of course relationships gotta have consent and there should be respect in that area of polyamory.

on another note, thing about practicing on drawing again, even though my skills lack really bad in that area.

definitely going to try and look for an artist that would redraw my sona.
I've been thinking about rudragon lately :w: