Eh...my mom has some sort of infection in her foot that may have been because she drove too far to Cincinnati than back to Elyria... Sighs... Been looking for a male Dom near me...I need someone to take control....I usually can balance my Dom and sub feelings but to be honest I just want to say fuck it and just not try to control others or ask for help-shrugs-

I have been getting lonely since I broke up with old mates and I was wondering if anyone knew any single furs in Elyria or near that area I keep bothering peers that have mates already and I dont want to rruin their relationships accidentally. Like the previous journal stated I am over thinking and over worried about things tonight...

Small rant about how my defensiveness always screws gud stuff up:/ I helped an old mate out getting a game and well I was flirting and he made sure i knew better and well that he had a mate. I understood that and I talked to his mate and made sure he knew i wasn't trying to steal his mate and whatnot... Well one of my statements got too defensive and I got him angry. -sighs-hate when I do that shit.... Eg... Hopefully things will work out and just blow over. I gabby been talking to anyone bout stuf just needed to say it prob delete it in morning.

I find myself going slowly...up the ladder of my career..so many people from my past changing around me. My ex girl friend finding a guy that is alot like me...my ex boyfriend insulting me because of my girlfriend having a misscarage when he can't even behave enough not to assault other of his ex's. I feel so bitter towards him. Yet I still miss him and wish him well...my girlfriend is hurting without me,yet I cannot even see my worth anymore...I mean...the pain,the childish fears I have, will they ever leave? Do I really want them to? I regret Alot of my life...but is it even a life anymore.I mean my girl friends husband does his best to keep us all together the best he can but lately my doubts are coming to mind and becoming more serious than the self destructive thoughts...just needed to vent..I'm deppressed and get some suppressed pain off my chest. Btw shadow/shikikat except for insulting me and getting ur laughs why talk to me? I mean honestly you got your mate I dont think between u having alot of sex you would honest want to keep ahold of a person you obviously don't care for or even pay attention to what they say so why? I mean really why?

Next Wednesday i should know if i did pass my classes or not and if i am able to go back to my mom's house happy...or just a failure like always...

Okay that color test annoys me

Your Existing Situation

Feels his position is threatened or not properly recognized by others and feels defensive. Determined to go after his goals despite his fear of bringing conflict upon himself.
Your Stress Sources

Tries to hold back his normal enthusiastic and imaginative self in fear that he may get carried away by it and chase after unrealistic goals. Feels betrayed and used and is staying emotionally distant to keep others from hurting him more. His is distrusting and suspicious of the actions and intentions of other people.
Your Restrained Characteristics

"Insists his hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. His self-centeredness can cause him to take things too personally."

Current events have him feeling forced to make bargains and put aside his own desires for now. He is able to find satisfaction and happiness through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective

"Strives for full life which includes activities and experiences, as well as, a close relationship offering sexual and emotional satisfaction."
Your Actual Problem

"Wishes he was more spontaneous and impulsive, but holds back because he needs things to be in order, rational, and clearly defined."
Your Actual Problem #2

"Is disappointed and let down, feels there is no point in making new goals as they will leave him feeling the same way. Looking for friendly, pleasant relationships with others, who will further develop his intellect. Feels his current relationships are empty and holding him back. Reacting with an intense desire to become involved in various activities aimed at achieving his goals."

Feeling like I just screw things up. I have done a lot to help my life... I miss some of my friends that I know I could have been with and been mated with...Well I don't regret my decisions. Without doing what i have done i would never have expanded. :( I realize i missed a lot of opportunities that i could of had with them. But you know what. If they cannot accept who i am fuck it. I am tired of accepting others and what they think of me. I am going to keep writing my stories. I wont let the guy who keeps invading my privacy in real life get to me. I figure if i get raped fuck it. *shrugs* If it happens it happens I will deal with it when i must. My tendencies are back again and I don't mind. I stopped really talking to anyone about them. Figured they would either go away on their own or it would get worse. I feel so bitter on ShikKit (Shadowfox8588) I try my best to be the best that i can for him. I know that i fuck up and that I cannot really be there for him. He is suffering right now and I wish i knew what to do. I have to focus on myself. I hate it but i have to. With my girlfriend i feel like running away. I am so rage-full and just torn up inside. Just wanted to vent and just get it out there...It will not make a difference what i say but at least it is something...

For you Shadow even though you think love is dropping everything and going to that person...For me it isnt me... *Looks down*I know I am being emo and if you ignore and just read what you want to I wont really be surprised but at least listen to this youtube post...not really that the guy is dying or that its for a father and daughter but more of the context of realizing that sometimes it takes a while to find out that you truely love a person....( http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=rK3O5zkF8Vo )

To all my friends thank you for being there and i know its hard for everyone right now i hope things get better for everyone.:/ I may not be able to do much for you but my thoughts and worry is there....

What i am for each part.
Bear
[x]-you're the guy/gal nobody wants to mess with
[]-you're quite lazy, and don't like the cold ( i love the cold >:0)
[x]-you're the biggest in your group of friends ( if tallest counts)
[x]-you are easy to get anger, especially when protecting those that are close
[x]-you are a big eater, and will eat more than everyone else at the table
[x]-you frighten others easily, but get frightened easily yourself
[ ]-you let your muscles do the talking
[x]-you like to eat berries and fish
[x]-you can sleep for days on end
[x]-you're the "warrior" of the group

Total Points = 8

Wolf
[x]-you look out for those that are close to you, and are fiercely loyal ( i try to )
[ ]-you prefer to stay in small groups of friends
[x]-you are protective of what you have, and can sometimes be greedy
[x]-you are tough, and can handle smaller injuries
[x]-most people adore you
[ ]-you like to run in wide open spaces
[ ]-you're favourite game is tag
[x]-you snarl over things that annoy you
[x]-you enjoy to play fight
[ ]-you're the "knight" of the group

Total Points = 6

Owl
[ ]-you are very perceptive, and have great vision
[x]-you stay up most of the night, and sleep in longer than most
[x]-you don't eat much, but what you do eat sates your hunger
[ ]-you are very fast and stealthy )
[ ]-you prefer to pick your foes off one at a time
[ ]-you are double jointed
[ ]-you can move almost silently when the need arises
[ ]-you have long sharp finger nails
[x]-you are known as very beautiful
[ ]-you're the "archer" of the group

Total Points = 3

Fox
[x ]-you are clever, and let your wits settle your problems
[ ]-you are fast, and able to escape danger easily
[ ]-you are the weakest in your group, but not necessarily the easiest prey
[ ]-you are stealthy, and prefer to avoid conflict when possible
[x]-you would rather get into your enemy's head rather than their face ( pshycological warfare is the funnest way to toy with your opponent )
[ x]-you are agile but clumsy sometimes
[x]-you have red hair
[x]-you don't like others being where they're not suppose to be
[x]-you enjoy sneaking up on people
[x]-you're the "thief" of the group

Total Points = 7

Deer
[x]-you like to be around a lot of people, and stick with crowds ( crowds are only to hide in)
[x]-you can escape danger with pure speed and endurance
[ ]-most consider you the easiest prey
[ ]-you aren't very strong, but when you're angry you can pack a punch
[ ]-most consider you very graceful
[ x]-you have very acute senses, especially hearing and smelling
[ ]-you are a vegetarian
[ ]-you love the ballet
[ ]-gymnastics are your specialty
[x]-you're the "cleric" of the group

Total Points = 4

Bat
[x]-nighttime is your time to shine
[x]-the daylight blinds you a lot
x]-you don't see very well or at all
[ ]-you'd rather fly than walk
[x]-you are known as different
[ ]-you have big ears and/or long fingers
[ ]-you like hanging upside down
[ x]-you like sleeping during the day
[x]-you're "One of a Kind"
[x]-you're the "spy" of the group

Total Points = 7

Rat
[x]-you're considered evil and dark and sometimes emo
[x]-you like areas that are damp and dark
[x]-you practice or want to practice magic or the dark arts
[x]-you prefer candle light over regular light
[x]-your favorite color is black
[x]-you love things that have to do with skulls or death
[x ]-you have a demon inside of you struggling to get out
[x]-you enjoy being alone
[x]-you hate your parents/siblings
[x]-you're the "death" of the group

Total Points = 10

Mouse
[ ]-you're very timid and skittish around almost anything
[ ]-you're the one most bullies can stuff into a locker
[ ]-cats scare you
[x]-you have nightmares almost every night
[ x]-you still sleep with a stuffed animal
[x]-night lights are your best friends
[ ]-your meals are quite small
[x]-you have friends that you can hide behind
[ ]-you are known as being quiet and baby cute
[x]-you're the "coward" of the group

Total Points = 5

Pig
[ ]-you're known as being smelly and uncleaned
[ ]-you sleep in trash
[x]-eating is your favourite sport
[ ]-chocolate and pizza are considered healthier snacks than apples to you
[]-you sometimes wear the same clothes for two weeks in a row
[ ]-showers and soap are your worst enemy/nightmares
[x]-you tend to break wind a lot
[ ]-mud is your best friend
[]-your house is a mess but you don't care
[ ]-you're the "slob" of the group


Total Points = 2

Monkey
[x]-you're happy-go-lucky and random
[x ]-you love eating bananas
[ x]-you are known as cute but dangerous
[ ]-you love swinging and heights
[ ]-you are awesome at climbing trees
[x]-you know how to say things in sign language
[]-playing is your specialty
[x]-you enjoy joking around
[x]-you can stay awake forever if you wanted to
[ ]-you're the "fun one" of the group

Total Points = 6

Snake
[x]-you love being evil and mean
[x]-you're the type to smash people into a wall
[]-you carry a knife with you at all costs
[x ]-you've had over 10 girlfriends/boyfriends)
[x]-you're no longer a virgin
[]-you've been arrested before
[ ]-you love partying
[ ]-you usually eat your meals whole or chew only twice or so
[x]-leather is epic to you
[ ]-you're the "criminal" of the group

Total Points = 5

Species points
Bear 8
Wolf 6
Owl 3
Fox7
Deer 4
Bat 7
Rat 10
Mouse 5
Pig 2
Monkey6
Snake 5

I hope anyways... Hoping to get a job and work things out for myself.. I may not be on here very much anymore... Don't know anymore.. Going to try at least to see what i can do..

I got a new place that i am going to be living alone..And i am going to be getting a job soon...idk

So what is the best thing to do to stop rage from building about petty shit? my theory not to go near it. :D that is all.

Got's school more calmed down. I am staying out of more drama best i can.
Been relapsing trying to do the best i can to make it by.
trying to just get school and sleep done so that way my stress can be less.
Seeing my family through the break 23rd to the 2nd should be interesting.
Any questions let me know.

I unblocked some people..But i will block it again if i feel like that I need to. it doesnt mean i dont want to be your friend. it means i cant handle the drama on here...

Finnaly got a wolf tail and its epic sadly it is not crimson though >.<

well this is ackword.. I have a new mate.. And I am doing the best I can... But it feels like something is missing in my life...Socially i feel outcast-ed and neglected maybe its my own fault or maybe i am trying too hard i am unsure.. This college strike at c-state is fucking me over more that i even thought possible.

Well...
To put it simply I found a good supportive master that is going to help me keep sane.
Maybe..hopefully start helping me love myself.
I know many of my friends try their damnedist to help but none is irl.
Now that i have a master in real life maybe....just maybe ill start loving myself.
The cutting issue is going now three weeks.
I don't even notice that i do it now. I know noone truly ever cares so i let it go.

The good things in my life. In most of my classes I have a support of two or three people that
I both care for and know for at least two semesters of college.
I am talking to my counselors about the cutting and depression.
Job corp is helping the best that they can.
the think is that Irl support is what i need since my master has been taking care of me
I am hoping I will start becoming sane again.

My master.
He is a lion,
18 years old
very protective and passionate.
Loving
Straight.
Kind.
Smart and shy.

I never noticed that these things are things i look in both a mate and master until after I found him..

The bad things in my life.

2 Week depression that went away last night.
Smiling hurts in long periods of time.
Suicidal thoughts constantly no matter what.
Be scared of being finally happy.
Being a worry wart of my friends and wanting to still help them even though i am drained myself with love.
Not understanding how others could love such a flawed person.

This is me.. if you don't like me or love the things that i am go away.
No more will i put others first..
No more will i put my passion of love to others.
Remember that you can, also fly alone.
I am not a crutch, I am not a tool anymore.
I am a legendary wolf, I am me.
If you dont want me then leave.
if you dont trust me leave.
If i dont trust you, show me why i should.
Don't just tell me SHOW me.
This is me. Now who are you?

OK once and for all this is what i have to say to all of you.
If you hate one of my friends.
Suck it up. be a big kid.
I dont talk about the people to your face.
So what is the problem?
Dont use what i say against me and well i dont see the problem.
Shadow get over yourself if you want me as your friend thats fine.
But you know what I will leave you in heart beat if you make me decide I would leave you both if you both had me choose. because you know what its a bitch pussy move.
Move on.
I am go with me or with out.

Welll classes aer done I passed at least two of them. I am getting closer to graduate!
Two days ago was pretty bad -_- I ended up being very quiet and to myself *like seriously quiet and to myself * So the people I texted that night i told them Id talk to them later and that I was going to call the "hotline"well my one friend asked what hotline and i said "suicide" and left it at that. Talked to my Ra and asked if there was some place i could talk privatley (was 12am) and she let me. I dialed suicide hotline at the same time the friend that texted me asking what hotline called me on the phone. Well I answred and he was like "what the hell is going on?" I told him hold on and ill call u back. Closed the phone altogether and talked to him and explained very little since he knew most of it. I had lived with him at job corp for since i was here and he just lived a few doors down until he got out of the program. Hell he was in college with me until he dropped out. This emptieness and lostness is getting to me more than i ever realized. I am hoping the suicidal thoughts and cutting everyday reduces. I hate the imagery and thoughts I keep having. I still think that my old mental illnesses are evolving again and i should keep close track of it to make sure they dont get worse...I dont know. I dont even remember why shadow is angry with me. My manic and panic attacks constantly has to make me focus on me. I got tired of being hurt by you shadow because you stopped being the person i could go to be safe. Hell id rather go to your asshole ex remember that one that mind fucked you? at this point I know what he is capapble of. I was upset when you tried doing suicide to prove a lesson to your grandfather because unlike your vain self i think of others first. What happen to that part of you? so what if i cant come down there when you want me to. I am not your pet, or bitch. I am your friend I expect the same from you as i do for myself to you. Hanging up on me because you have to more intresting things to do pisses me off but i understand. People judging me because I care about you and defend you is painfull. but even when we go our seperate ways again i will still do so. cuz guess what every one of the friends on here are true friends(may be wrong about a few but meh im human)do what you want but if you hurt me in the process i will get porcupine quillls to put in your ass to show you that you are doing something wrong. Fuck it i dont care if i hurt your feelings anymore and no i wont put this down because for once i am doing me and you know what shadow. That can be with you or without i dont give a shit .

By andrew Zlenka

Never in this world
Was I meant to be submissive
Yet for many years I was.

Never in this world.
Was I meant to be abusive.
Yet for many years I was.

Demons follow me.
Yet others claim
It is just misery.
A life's lesson

Call it what it may.
Does not change me.
Does not change who i am.
What am i?

Who have i changed into?
I fight those who used to love me.
I burn and cut those who hurt me.
I give up when they need me the most.
Maybe..Just maybe I am the demon?

Careless.
Unloving.
worthwhile for my own pleasure.
No-one else.
Why regret?
Why allow the pain that has consumed.
The loving soul take the rest?

Never again I have said.
Never again I have meant.
Never again will I be upset at those who hurt.
Those who hinder me again.
Take the pain you hone upon me and leave.
Never come back.

I will always miss you and regret.
But these memories of wes, of Shadowfox, of
Lucky the husky, of rylin, of Andrew the husky, of
Lost lovers that I don't even give them the credit to name.
The pain the love, the loss.
I give it back. Nothing to do but live so take the pain.
take your torment and let me live me.
I give you back your hearts.
I give you mine.
Nothing left there will be.
Withered and fallen.
I shall become the demon so many see upon me.
The deamon of sorrow, of gravity, of fire, and electricity.
Of these things I am and forever will be.
As it ever was so mote's it be-end 8/22/11 4:32pm

Something for Squibbles..
By Andrew Zlenka aka Xander

Shadows follow
The quite regret follows the creature as well
Passion, to go on pushes him.
Creation of a new beginning.
Even through the shadows that follow him and try to hinder.

A mystery among mystery.
A history among histories.
Things destined to change.
Destined to repeat.
Yet the cycle never stops.

The passion.
The fear.
The strength.
The courage.

Even as the shadows follow he fights past them.
Past the pain to his goals.
-End end 8/22/11 4:18 Pm

Well...After my cousins baby died inside of her i have been feeling a little depressed and upset b.c I know when I called her to see if everyone was ok i had fucked up. I am still upset about the baby dying in her but there is nothing I can do about it...Also stuff on my mind. Like why do i even want a mate?
How am i worth one? I cannot even take care of myself let alone another person. The support would be nice but time and time again many of the people i thought their shoulder was there it wasn't when it counted and i end up falling to the ground...Lucky me right?

For more blogs with more about me go to this website...http://firedeamon24.livej.....al.com/profile

Now school is tough it is finals for this semester and I have about three more semesters before i am done.

The plans I have made seems not to matter when Depression hides near me and I know that I would just upset and depress the him..

I mean that is what I am as a person, deppressive and thoughtful. Yet how can Others and myself find love is still beyond me most of the time.

I am doing the time that i have now to find myself. My porcupines as a crimson wolf with porcupine quills is appropriate i suppose. Come up behind me and u get hurt come to me to my face much less likely to get hurt...Any questions or comments just post :Pp

1) Who are you?

2) Are we friends?

3) When and how did we meet?

4) Would you kiss me?(a peck on the cheek is fine :p)

5) Give me a nickname and explain why.

6) Describe me in 1 word.

7) What was your first impression of me?

8) Do you still think the same?

9) What reminds you of me?

10) If you could give me anything, what would it be?

11) How well do you know me?

12) Would you consider meeting up with me?

13) Are you gonna put this in your journal and see what I say about you?


**wonders what people are gonna say if anything at all **

Thinking about changing my fursona, but I have no Idea on what to change it to....

<p>You're a legendary creature! Which probably means that you're legendarily powerful. Either way, you know more than you let on, and you're more capable than you appear.

Example species: Dragon, kitsune.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.becomeyourfursona.com/2010/01/fursona-species-quiz/">Fursona Species Quiz</a></p>
</div>

found it on http://www.becomeyourfursona.com/20.....-species-quiz/

Apparently I am a legendary creature wow...nothing new..

I am contemplating disowning my father, changing my name so i have an extra middle name. Back to square one with my addiction.*shrugs*oh well. Doing the best I can to focus on my stories and college I am hoping that will keep me dedicated to something so the loneliness of not having a mate or a guy to hug irl effect me as much as it has. Maturity is a hard thing to learn. I am hoping that some advice a friend gave about the situation can help. That Life experience pretty much can help us cope and just let things go. Or at least that is how i understood his words. I don't know but I need to find a very okay guy to just hug and cuddle irl or i am going to probably not get any better for some time.