So, I’ve been single for a few months now. Even though my ex moved on within a couple weeks, I still gave them a period of time out of respect before even looking for someone new. I’ll admit, I wasn’t ready to date as I was also still hung up on them, but I guess the best way to truly move on is to find someone new to be special to me. Someone who I can hold close at night. Someone who I can dote on & spend time with.
So, umm... if anyone wants to talk to me, you can feel free to message me here or on Telegram (@Flerivous). >///< And please, don’t be a creep. Just talk to me, okay?

So, my birthday was yesterday. Most of my friends likely didn't realize. Although, to be honest, I cancelled any & all birthday events I did have which were brought up by my parents & my best friend... Only thing that happened on my birthday was that my depression consumed me...
Still unemployed... Still worthless... Still without a future...
I wish I'd just disappear...

So, I've been recently fired because my previous place of employment only accepts 3 doctor's notes per rolling year. And I happened to be sick a lot late last year into the early part of this year. That's fine & dandy. I was put onto a final warning for it.
Then, a couple weeks ago, I was fired for being 8 minutes late, because my place of employment doesn't let you be even 1 minute late without it counting against the amount of hours I've missed.
That all said, they also knew repeatedly that I had problems with depression... I had even told my supervisor, begrudgingly enough, about me having suicidal thoughts... And I'll admit, that some of those days missed was because the stress from that job was so high, that it triggered my depression...
Hell, after I got fired, my acid reflux went away completely. That just goes to show how much stress it was on me...
Anyways, here I am, no job after working there for a little over 2 years, and I have bills to pay & groceries to buy...

I hate to ask, but if anyone WANTS to donate anything to me, I'll link my PayPal.
Now, I'm no artist, so I can't draw anything, but if anyone wants me to, I can type up a short story for your characters as some sort of commission, I guess.

Anyways, again, I hate asking for help...
But here it is...
Please do not feel like you have to help out. You don't.
I'm bound & determined to get a new job, but this will help.

Enough ranting. I'm sorry for the long post.

PayPal: danielharms13[at]gmail.com

Right now... I don't know what to do... I'm posting this here because I want to get these thoughts onto paper, so to speak, without aiming them at any one person in a private message & without making it overtly open to everyone on Facebook...
I'm a pathetic guy... I thought I had everything relatively figured out... I started to slowly allow myself to think about the future once again, hesitant for fear of another breakdown... I finally figured out my sexuality, obtained some realistic goals to aim for, and even had a few dreams to hope for. I found a wonderful mate who I was just exuberantly happy to know we'd spend our lives together... We hit a few bumps along the way, but who doesn't?
Then my depression started kicking in really bad... I started worrying about things that were the farthest from my mind... I doubt I'll be able to fulfill my goals, and I can forget about my dreams...
One of the things that makes me upset the most is that, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I berate myself & tell myself that I'm trash for thinking this way, no matter how much I love my mate, it's so hard for me to be fully supportive of her transition from male to female... Right when I was 100% certain that I was 100% gay, she started feeling more & more uncomfortable in her body... I wish I could be there for her in body, mind, & soul... I want to be there for her, guiding her through the process, telling her everything will be okay... And... I know I will love her either way, but... I'm not sure how I'm going to react physically...
I want to cry right now... Honestly, the mere idea that I could possibly not be supportive of her makes me want my life to end... I want to have children with her... I want to raise a family with her... But... I'm just trash... I'm a shitty person...
I wish sexuality wasn't an issue... I wish it didn't affect the way I think or the way I react...
It feels like everything is crashing down sometimes... When I start to think about this in depth... it makes me want to give up on everything... Because I don't deserve anything...

A part of me is scared that she'll read this... A part of me wants her to read this... I guess that's why I'm putting it here... There's just as much a chance either way...

I often find myself thinking about things in quite some depth, with my own philosophies applied to them on occasion, and one subject that I always find interesting is the Seven Deadly Sins, particularly how they pertain to each other, affect each, create each other, & what actions they cause as to make. Another interesting idea I've had is which of the Seven Deadly Sins, if you only pick one, influences each of us the most. For a lot of people, I've noticed (at least in my own personal opinion), pride seems to be the number one influencing factor. However, for me, I've figured out that envy (or jealousy) is my number one sin influencing myself. However, envy is a rather simple idea but a very complex emotion because although it is a rather negative idea & a negative emotion, it can cause both negative & positive feelings & emotions.
For example, when most people think of envy, they think of the classic idea of the sin, that Person A has something Person B wants, so Person B feels envious toward Person A for having said item. In some instances, Person B takes said item, while in others he just bears a grudge against him for as long as he holds such envy. In this example, Person B hates Person A for having an object that Person B wants but doesn't have, hate (or wrath) being one of the Seven Deadly Sins.
However, in another example, Person A is dating Person B & sees Person C eyeing Person B. Feeling jealous that Person C might take Person B away from them, Person A begins to show more affection to Person B to keep their attention on them. In this example, Person A, by feeling a bit insecure due to their jealousy, they are inspired to be more loyal to Person B.

This idea comes to me quite often because I'm a rather jealous person, but I'm almost never jealous for material things. The only thing I'm really jealous of is relationships, whether I'm jealous of others who have them or jealous of people who show interest in the person I'm dating. However, despite that, no matter how jealous I am of someone, I never show any kind of maliciousness towards anyone.

You know, I typically keep this to myself, but I figured I'd go ahead & right something for my FA. Maybe I could use it as an actual journal, although it wasn't so successful on dA, but we'll see.
Lately, I've had horrid luck when it comes to find a boyfriend, whether it be it not lasting or just being turned down. I've honestly never thought about dating inside the fandom, since I'm not an AVID participant in it. Like, I don't go to conventions or have a strong urge or desire to dress up, although I wouldn't mind having a fursuit of my fursona. Also, it's kind of hard to go to a furcon when there's none in the area... That's also another thing that sparked me to write this. I'm just... kind of curious if I could find a boyfriend here.
Another thing that's been very off-putting is that, probably over 70% of the guys I do find, whether local or online, all they want is sex. =/ It's so frustrating. I would rather have a relationship with no sex & all cuddles & kisses than have one that's based on sex. I swear, I just want to slap some of them when, within the first 10 minutes of us talking, they ask for dirty pics...
I used to only want to date someone local, but there's so many jerks & guys still in the closet here, I've practically given up. However, I would mind a long-distance relationship, but I had to feel like there was hope that me & the guy would meet up eventually.
I don't know... To be honest, I just want... a close friend... someone close enough to my heart that I could kiss if the day hadn't been quite so in my favor. Take this for what you will, but I'm kind of out of things to say.
See you next time, I suppose.