So, for some reason, I can't upload photos to FA at the moment. I have many more from the RAIn BBQ Meetup that I'm excited to share. Will keep trying, but know that more are on the way.

Just wanted to gauge how you all are enjoying the sketches I've been uploading. Do you like them or is it not the content you want to see from me?

I am feeling motivated to draw again! I have a few poses in mind, but I'm not dead-set on any particular species. If you'd like me to draw your character, please comment below, send me a note, or send me a message on discord ( fletcher#7604 ). A reference would be nice, but an organized description will do just fine! Happy Independence Day!

A few days ago, I successfully moved to Tacoma. I interviewed with Tacoma Motorsports before the move, and all though I don't have the job yet, it's very promising. Later this morning, I will be calling my service manager again t set up my second and final interview with the owner. If that all goes smoothly, I will finally be back in the saddle. I apologize for the cryptic journals. I wrote them during a time when I couldn't think clearly and I just wanted to get a message out. I'm looking forward to this new beginning. I'm a little worried, though. This has to work. So much is at stake. Oddly, though, I'm not stressed. I know that when I show up for my first day, I'll either do just fine or I'll choke. But I feel good about it. After all I've been through, the next two weeks are going to show if I've really grown up--if have what it takes to put aside everything else in my life for my career in service to others. That's the patriotic way to view it. It's all about learning to get along with people who don't exactly align with me. Learning to put on a level face for the sake or earning a living.

I've made new friend here, already, from a furmeet I went to two weeks ago. We went out new Summit Lake yesterday and I got plenty of photos and videos. I may upload some today, so keep an eye out. THe problem before with Tacoma was that I was all alone. But now, I have people i can spend time with. It really makes a difference.
I've had plenty of falling outs recently and it's made me feel like shit, but if I keep to what I find comfort in, I will be good.

I'll let you all know how my first month of work goes.

I'm getting out of this town. At the end of the month, whether I make it with a moving van or with whatever I can fit into my backpack, I am going back to Tacoma.
Took me long enough to see this place for the prison it is. A dead-end town when people go to wither.
And if I can't escape. . . I'll cut to the chase.

Already found someone to take over my lease. Dropped my classes and my paper route. Just have to find a place to move into.

Due to an incompetent network and bureaucracy failures, it would appear as though I may not be able to attend Central Washington University. A lack of funds and actions to counter the matter has resulted in this conclusion. As such, It is my firm belief that I have exhausted all my options. I have thoroughly explored the cave of careers and it's apparent that all exits have caved in. Therefor, now begins the slow process of starvation and suffocation. But hey, at least I know my mother loves me.

>exit program

Oh man, it's been a hot minute since I've done one of these. So, the last time I wrote to you, I was talking about my next steps and where I've been. I'm happy to say that I'm getting better. Though I ditched my therapy sessions entirely, I've found a way keep up my mental state. Just as I did back in 2017, focusing on my career prospects has given me hope and excitement! I'm annoyed with myself for flip-flopping on majors, but I've decided against professional writing. mainly because the last thing I want to do is spend forty+ hours a week typing away and all the other shit that writings brings along with it. My best friend was keen to remind me that any form of art is difficult to succeed in. I denied it at the time, but he's right. I also don't see writing as a particularly fulfilling profession. I had ideas I was excited about and I felt relief and satisfaction when I completed projects, like Radioman. However, I must be doing something wrong, something I can't see, because although Apron's upload of the cover brought in fresh eyes, the story remains largely quiet. It seems, around here, smut is what gets the most eyes and love. So, I'll bow out on this one.

So, what am I doing now? I'm, proudly, going to major in mechanical engineering! I haven't declared yet, gotta clear out the gen-ed's first, but I will in fall quarter. I am going to CWU over the summer, because I need something to do and it's just more efficient and faster to keep up the pace. I start my first classes on the 17th. With this degree, I feel like I can make an actual difference. Being part of a team that develops something functional if far more fulfilling to me that anything else. But, it's not motorcycles or machine that I want to make, for those are far too often looked at as toys by the broader population (and because outside of electric, the internal combustion engine is going to die off soon enough); instead, I'm going to specialize in the sub-discipline of civil engineer known as: Structural Engineering. The inspiration behind this is that no one really argues about whether or not a building or tower is "good" compared to other towers and whatnot. Within the transportation community, there's a lot of bickering and debating about this versus that. It's exhausting and that's not how I want my work to be viewed.

I'd like to drive by a high-rise and say, "I helped build that." The teamwork aspect of engineering is very appealing. Despite my typically isolated nature, working with others makes everything feel. . . better?
The consensus I'm getting is that, despite the mathematical nature of the study of engineering, the real world application is mostly talking with people and reviewing projects and designs. At least, in most companies. But hey, if the payrate is the same, I'm all in. In the past, I've shied away from math, but I am looking forward to learning more. Doing a swan dive into calculus, physics, and, well, the list goes on. I wanna know the little tricks, I wanna know the processes and the constants.

Whereas with being a mechanic, I would burnout from physical stress, this should allow me to work with physical properties at a computer, in a nice, air-conditioned office. Maybe I can make a difference here. Maybe, I can leave my mark on the world and improve our quality of life. I have to try. It's all I have left.

On another note, I've been making a lot of new friends thanks to my Central Washington Telegram group. I was surprised to see another fur that live in my apartment complex! He's come over nearly every day for the last week and it's helped alleviate my loneliness. I've met up with other furs, too, and I'm feeling a strong sense of community. Currently, I'm tryingto organize a D&D game for all of us. It's gonna be Mass Effect themed, so I'm super excited! They just need to make their character sheets so I can start writing the campaign >:(
So, I'm doing better on all fronts, here. Could just be the sunshine, though.

Shaena:
"Nothing like a survey for autistic adults in WA to knock me right back into my center. Sometimes, I forget the impact it has--up until I have to consider it.
How did I make it this far? Unwavering perseverance or circumstantial luck (or lack thereof)? Perhaps it's just that 1AM mood, but I honestly look at all the things I beat myself up for (can't hold a job, can't make news friends, can't bite the bullet) and I realize that it was a stretch just making it here. That's a lot to expect from myself. I wonder if I even deserve what little I have. I often feel like a complete leech; always taking and never really giving. I feel my self-worth go down the drain. I see everyone else pushing through with a smile, and I'm always stuck in this position, watching and wishing I could be them. It's so exhausting.

And who am I going to complain to? Myself? The entirety of Twitter? This is wholeheartedly a ME problem. Imagine being so disdainful about yourself that you feel you're unworthy of talking about your woes? It's not fun. It's not nurturing. Most of what I talk about is my own issues, That's not what people want to hear. I'm such an unlikable person. I don't even fit in with the autistic crowd. A piece of a puzzle that doesn't exist. Not even in this bearhug of a fandom. This is a microcosm of the real world, where there are hierarchies and big egos. "Them" and "us." It's a big game, when you zoom out and remove your emotions. Not just finding compatriots and friends, but finding a stable career. To win, you need to tear yourself to pieces for the greater cause. This is what humanity is; but it's not what it means to be human.And very time I want to quit the game, everyone who's turned their shoulder to me suddenly comes to the rescue. I don't know who is more selfish, the machines that play this game or me.

Be thankful you're not me.
Here's to year twenty."

Shock:
"m8 honestly, autistic people are some of the smartest people I know. Being good at what you do isn't luck - it's being productive ;)"

Shaena:
That, in and of itself, is an expectation. What if I'm not good at what I do? Am I completely without function?
When I spend a year and a half learning to work in my passion and it fails, where do I go with that? It's strange. Out of the academic frying pan and into the fire."

I had an interesting interaction with an acquaintance of mine this morning. This interaction was interesting and took me by surprise; never before has someone behaved this way towards me, or if they have, it was long ago. I'm curious to see what you think--a true, unbiased opinion. Is he right for refusing to help me or am I wrong for asking?

18 May 2019
04:03
Shaena Cat
What were those podcasts you were talking about? I'm going to start sending Radioman out and I need a place to start.

06:03
Gyro
I sent you links and info in PM. They should still be there if you scroll up.

06:04
Shaena Cat
I sweep up my chat histories every now and then because seeing all my active conversations like that jsut stresses me out. Unless it's someone I speak with daily or regularly, I will remove the chat history on my end.
06:04
Could you forward the message?
06:16
Is that a no?

06:20
Gyro
What? No. XD
06:20
I already put in the effort and you deleted it. XD
06:20
It's kind of a slap in the face really.

06:26
Shaena Cat
I'm sorry that you see it that way. You are likely assuming reasons for our chat's deletion that are less than true. I don't see how it is insulting.
I like to keep things organized and our chat got roped into that. We only ever speak, like, once a month, so of course it did.
I don't consider each end everyone one of my thirty-or-so chats, that's inefficient.

06:28
Gyro
It's insulting in that somebody put in the effort to give you a bunch of info to your benefit, had it deleted than asked to put in more effort for the person that clearly didnt value it enough to at least save that info. So, no. I'm not interested in doing it again.

06:31
Shaena Cat
Again, assuming motives that are less than true.
I'm sure my thoughts at the time were that the links would always be there and so I didn't have to worry about them. As you will likely see, that was at least a week ago if not more.
In that time, I forgot. they with with you and they were unknowingly deleted.
06:32
YOu must be having a rough day because I can't imagine why someone as friendly as you would be this stubborn and unforgiving for a harmless and inconsequential action.

06:32
Gyro
It not asumming motives. You, in fact deleted the PMs. I don't want to put in the effort. I don't really care enough to waste my own time over it again.
06:33
It simple as that really. *shurgs*
06:34
I'm not mad or being vindictive. I would have to care to do that. I just don't feel like doing the work.

06:36
Shaena Cat
I'm really only mentioning this out of spite, since you're so insistent on denying me an extremely simple favor, but I found your post in the ***** group where you listen all of your favorite podcasts, instead. Goodbye.

06:37
Gyro
Bye, have a good day.

Has it really been two month? Not even that. There's a mounting pile of evidence that I'm not good with commitment. But, I came back here, didn't I? That's a double-edged assessment. Greetings aside, allow me to explain.
I've been keeping a watchful eye on this site, nearly every day, since I left. To keep things clean and orderly, I unwatched most of the artists who I've been following for years. I didn't want to be off for weeks and end up with a sea jof submissions, lest a fine art piece be lost among any YCH's or comics and so on. I feel bad, I unwatch some of my mutuals and widdled it down to a select few. I worried that this move was misconstrued, but I'm sure you all understand. I will slowly rebuild my watch list, but in the meantime, I apologize for ending my patronage.

I'm back; why? I mentioned a job opportunity before and I pursued it. After just two weeks, I couldn't keep up with the demand and I left my position. At this point, it's apparent that I can't function, in a professional capacity, as a mechanic. Motorcycles make me happy. Seeing bikes, sitting on bikes, riding bikes, and fixing bikes; it brings me great joy. But the classroom was very different from the workplace. I'll let you in on a not-so-secret: Repair shops are money-grubbing. What a shock. Ever see spark plugs on a routine repair order? You didn't need them replaced. There are a few items that I could say the same for, but jesus christ do shops insist on chucking your perfectly good spark plugs. This wasteful behavior and business practice bothered me to the core. But that's not the only reason. Shops suck. They're either really cold or really hot and most of them have not been kept well. It doesn't motivate me to be at my best when the place looks like a fucking shit show. Our shop at Bates was well kept and I succeeded there. I was inspired to keep myself at my best, in part because the facility was kept at its best. So that job prospect didn't pan out.

I returned because this has always been my creative platform, whether it turned out well or not. And I'm going to need that platform again, because I'm making a leap. I am finally going back to college; with purpose. I'm playing to my strengths and I'm going to major in professional writing. When I make a well laid out document or a compelling and vivid story, I feel satisfied! And I can do it all from the comfort of my home, on my laptop--with all my music and software on it. With no physical demand, my mind can be as sharp as it needs to be. Now, I'm sure I talked about technical writing in the past, so I wont repeat myself.

To develop myself as a writer, I need to practice. And to make it through my breadth classes, I need to force myself to write formats that I'm otherwise not a fan of. Creative writing is one way to push myself to improve, and I'd like to see what others think of my projects. Hence my return to this platform. I will release an erotic flash-fiction after I post this, a welcome back gift from me-to-you. Nothing quite motivates some readers like the promise of pleasure, so do enjoy it at your leisure!
I have a more serious short story coming very soon. It's been fully-written and is in the hands of my editor, so this is not a hollow announcement; it's a promise.

Hello,

This isn't as dire as it sounds.

I've had more than enough time to analyze what I'm doing and what I want to do. I've come to the conclusion that all my ventures (photography, writing, and videography) are just ways to waste my own time. I began photography when I was a teenager with nothing else to do and it stopped when I went to college to pursuit a career. Writing and videography started after I lost my job and they will end here, before I begin a new job.

Through these hobbies, I've learned new skills and I'm proud of what I accomplished, but the foundation I built them upon is unstable. I wanted to create something and develop myself and have others see it. It's a vane goal; to be popular or recognizable by people I don't even know. It makes sense why these venture yielded no results on that front. Why should you care about where I go or what I do? The story I wrote was good and my photos are good, but they aren't something to write home about. They can be used as assets in the future, if needed, but the extent of their function stops there. Perhaps people can sense where passion lies, and if they see something half-assed, they could care less about it. I don't know how others think, I just know myself.

Something I realized in 2016 was my passion for repair and solving problems. That's a service, and services can not be shared or copied. They can only be experienced my the service provider and the service recipient. The only people who will come to appreciate me for my passion and skill are those who I service. It's not something that you, reader, will ever experience.
This realization is important, because I know know why I should leave this behind: it only serves to disappoint me.

This page and its contents will remain for as long as the internet exists. It will be an archive of all my creative projects. On this day, I will stop pretending to someone else. On this day, I will allow myself to fully become who I am meant to be: a mechanic.

Thank you all for your support and interest over the last five years. My life would likely have been very different if I didn't have this outlet. If my job works out, I will be at Furvana 2019. If any of you are going to that convention, I would be honored to meet you. I am keeping my Telegram, but my Twitter and Youtube content will become privatized for the sake of protecting my personal image.

Goodbye, and I hope you find success in your own adventures.
- Fletcher~

Hey there!

In my spare time, I've made some stickers of myself and other shit I find amusing, if you're interested in see and using them, here the link: https://t.me/addstickers/seano

Enjoy <3
- Shaena

Hey all,

Just uploaded this week's video, check it out: https://youtu.be/FJvOSn25h-g

Thanks!
- Shaena

Hello,

This morning, I'm just gonna take the time to spill my thoughts a little. No updates here.


[Chance]
I'm beginning to understand that I'm a victim of chance, as we all likely are. I may have had plans and I've tried my best to follow them, but ultimately, time and time again, there's a scuff somewhere that throws these intentions awry. My situation is unique, not because of where I am, but because of why I am here in the first place. Every little decision I've made has put me right here, behind a screen, writing. Maybe, I stopped to sneeze before crossing the road and avoided being run-over. Perhaps, I forgot to tie my boot and I took a minute to lace it up before going out for a ride, and I made every green light. Maybe, I decided to sleep in one morning, and now I've missed a little bit of information from a class, but now I'm twice as productive as I would have been. Those little actions that take time, seem to be more monumental than your 5-year goal.

[Face Value]
If everyone I met could see my every thought and action, without the screen of my own discretion, would they still think of me as the same person they gave birth to, who they grew up with, who they hired, or who they made friends with? Would you still be the same person you think you are? Even now, I write this without detail, knowing that some truths aren't worth the pain they cause. We may hate each other or be disgusted with each other if such an effect was possible. The world may yet fall into a chaos we can't begin to imagine. The premise of having this alternate persona is to mask who you really are or highlight what you want others to know about you. If your persona is ever-so joyful, is that what you want people to see? Is that who you really are?

Seeya around,
- Shaena

Hello,

This morning, I'm just gonna take the time to spill my thoughts a little. No updates here.


[Chance]
I'm beginning to understand that I'm a victim of chance, as we all likely are. I may have had plans and I've tried my best to follow them, but ultimately, time and time again, there's a scuff somewhere that throws these intentions awry. My situation is unique, not because of where I am, but because of why I am here in the first place. Every little decision I've made has put me right here, behind a screen, writing. Maybe, I stopped to sneeze before crossing the road and avoided being run-over. Perhaps, I forgot to tie my boot and I took a minute to lace it up before going out for a ride, and I made every green light. Maybe, I decided to sleep in one morning, and now I've missed a little bit of information from a class, but now I'm twice as productive as I would have been. Those little actions that take time, seem to be more monumental than your 5-year goal.

[Face Value]
If everyone I met could see my every thought and action, without the screen of my own discretion, would they still think of me as the same person they gave birth to, who they grew up with, who they hired, or who they made friends with? Would you still be the same person you think you are? Even now, I write this without detail, knowing that some truths aren't worth the pain they cause. We may hate each other or be disgusted with each other if such an effect was possible. The world may yet fall into a chaos we can't begin to imagine. The premise of having this alternate persona is to mask who you really are or highlight what you want others to know about you. If your persona is ever-so joyful, is that what you want people to see? Is that who you really are?

Seeya around,
- Shaena

Hey there,

Just a quick heads up! I released a video this morning, if you'd like to check it out, the link is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUm6nLy0kn0

While I'm at it, I figured I'd update you on where I'm at. I've received plenty of bad news in the past two months, and last week, I got some more. I won't go into specifics, but I wanted you all to know that I'm now on the hunt for a job for the sake of escaping this town. I've got some improving to do as a general employee. Hopefully, I can adjust quickly. I need to work through all five months I have left on the lease. I'll let you all know how that goes.
When the weather warms up, I am definitely going on a moto adventure. The camera on my new phone is actually pretty good. It will do just fine for my usual landscape photography. For now, while the snow still rests, don't expect anything spectacular.

I will be going back to college in Autumn with my brother. We're going to Clover Park Technical College. He's going into their pilot program and I'm going into aviation mechanics. I'm looking forward to it! In the mean time, I'm here to stay and I'm going to try new things.

Seeya next time,
- Shaena

Hey hey hey!

So much going on this weekend!
> I'm in Tacoma for the weekend and I'm meeting with some furry friends tomorrow, which is super exciting.
> I just got a call: someone's interested in my room! Which means, if my roommate approves and I find a place in Tacoma ASAP, I can finish my program and get my AAS!
> On a darker note, a Toyota SUV just got T-boned by a garbage truck right outside of my mother's apartment. No one's hurt from the looks of it.
> I currently hold the highest bid on that partial I was talking about!
> Might meet with that guy I met at Club Silverstone today.
> Gonna be in Bellevue for my clinical trial appointment on Monday (the most boring part). Then I head home. Not sure what I'm doing on Sunday.

Just a quick "what's going on."

Have a good weekend,
- Fletcher~

Hey all,

My FurAffinity journals are becoming my outlet for my thoughts as opposed to actually talking to other people. It's easier to lay everything out and I don't have to try to reply to on the spot responses.

So I've talked a bit about UW Tacoma and becoming a Technical Writer, and honestly, I'm glad that I had this pitch shift. It encouraged me to try new mediums and explore what I was capable of. I wrote a story, I've doodled some shit about my character, Fletcher, and I've tried to write something instructional. It's been eye opening, but not in the way you might think. I've come to admire people who have skills and talents that result in a product that people can enjoy. It's how people gain a following in the first place. That's really how you can divide careers: services or products. I suppose my irritating vanity has been dragging my self worth down over this. I'm not really good at making products of any kind, and that's not just me being harsh with myself, it's just an observation. For example, the piece I published this morning about how to test electrical circuits on motorcycles was not very good. I didn't like the way it was going about half way through the writing process. I published it anyways because I deserve to let myself try.

I realized while writing it that I'm not a good teacher. My career counselor was wrong about this being a good fit. If you and I were in the same room and I had a paper and pen, I could probably do a better job casually explaining those concepts, but trying to teach someone with just writing is incredibly infuriating. I had an idea that maybe I could make videos about how to do work on bikes, it would allow me to build a persona. Heh, I thought it might even be awesome to do it in a partial suit. Of course, when eyesight and sense of feel are needed, the suit comes off. But the underlying idea is that I can get the ideas out in a more natural way and somehow make it fun for the viewer.

Where am I? Oh yeah. I'm glad I didn't send out that college application yet. I'm sure I can learn enough to become a more effective educator, but I don't think I can succeed. Being able to sit in my room or anywhere and work with a computer sounds like a nice concept, but my room becomes a prison as a result. I need to get out and interact with people to gain inspiration and perspective and being stuck in here is just. . . awful.
There's a balance point somewhere, just like with wheelies, where I'm not burning myself out but I'm also engaging with enough people to keep me level.

Speaking of wheelies, I sure do miss them. I haven't done a wheelie since that traffic stop. Way to scared. There's always this fear that I'm being watched when I ride through town. It makes me feel very insecure, like I'm always doing something wrong. The cold weather eats away at my bike. The moisture in the ignition switch freezes and it's hard to insert the key. One time, I had to physically remove the spark plug boot to kill the engine because the ignition switch's contacts were covered in ice. It has rusted the chain a little. My bike is like a physical representation of my current mood. Slowly wearing and I don't have the energy to do anything about it.

I don't think I'm gonna go back to college. It's not a good idea. I have to make use of the skills I have, and that's fixing things. I still can't finish my 6th quarter at Bates. I tried applying to Les Schwab, but they're likely not accepting new people until Spring. I might have to withdraw from this quarter to save my GPA, but if I withdraw, financial aid may want their money back and I don't have it. Sigh. What do I do? I certainly wouldn't mind changing and selling tires for a living. I just need to be someplace else right now.

Speaking of partials, yeah I'm looking at buying a pre-made. I'm not really attached to the snow dragon I use, so I don't really mind that it's a different species. The one I'm looking at is really cute and it makes me genuinely smile. I'm wondering if this is just an impulse decision or if this would really be a good thing for me. I hear that wearing a fursuit is a comforting action, kinda removes some anxiety and all.

I tried to invite my boyfriend over last night, but I fell asleep early. He's working the next three days as well. Trying to think of a fun 2nd date idea. Something casual like drinks and entertainment. My friends advised me not to wear my dress attire on the first date, so I think I'm gonna wear it this time. Our relationship has been getting more and more flirty in recent. With some promises of eventually ending up in my bed with the me in the mesh underwear he likes so much. It's a nice thought, but I just know that somehow my insecurity will kick in and I'll start to feel personally uncomfortable. I can't seem to let myself enjoy anything in full. Personally, I just want to be held, but I just know he's gonna push for more and I'd hate to disappoint him and make it awkward.

I need someone close to me right now, and not in a good ol' friends kinda of way. I need to feel someone else. I'm tired of being consumed with myself. I certainly have the looks, but I'm horrible with my execution.

I feel like I'm embarrassing myself. Bouncing back and forth with my decisions and saying stupid shit. Writing these journals is a way to fill my time and hopefully engage with my watchers a little more. I know this journal is all over the place and may be hard to follow, but I need to get it all out there.

Ahem,

Sorry about that last journal. For those who missed it, it's gone now. I was extremely tired and still sobering up. Slept for a good twelve hours and felt better. Now, a lot of what I said is true, but it was very messy and disorganized. It feels like the break between quarters, in which I have too much time on my hands and nothing to apply myself to. I wrote earlier about writing a book and that came to a grinding halt. It was more of a desperate attempt to keep the ideas flowing, but ultimately, I didn't have to write it. Creative writing is difficult and you need passion and dedication to see a whole book through to the end. That's why im going into technical writing instead, speaking on facts and what I know, no world building or character creating hurdles there, just explaining techy stuff. Which gives me a great idea! I think I'm gonna, just for fun, write some technical literature for all to view. Just little educational documents about certain moto-related work. It should be fun.

Speaking of which, the end of the month has arrived and brings with it some updates. My plans to move back to Tacoma have been halted because I couldn't find anyone to replace me at my current apartment. It would be unfair to just leave my roommate with the $1,100 rent. So my hand is forced. I will have to withdraw from winter quarter to prevent my GPA from plummeting. I'm registered for an online precalculus class in spring, a requirement for acceptance to UW Tacoma. So, the culmination of 5.2 quarter's of dedication yields a Certificate of Competency. I've already completed the coursework for the certificate, so all I have to do is submit the form. Not the flashy AAS I was hoping to earn, but life has me by the reigns right now and I must submit to its will.

I'll have to get the UW Tacoma application sent out sometime soon, the hesitation really only comes from the hefty $60 fee. Ouch. It may be for nothing if being a motorcycle mechanic turns out well. But I suppose that in that situation, I will have earned it back in full. I'm acclimatizing to Ellensburg. My dramatic view on this town initially is still correct, but I just grew thicker skin. Speaking of adjustments, introduced me to Telegram a week ago. It was neat talking with other furries, but the effect is wearing off. I see plenty of get-together in the local groups and I can't help but feel pretty left out given how far away I am from the densely populated west side. I don't really have anything to add to the conversations, usually. It feels like I'm trying to enter a closed circle. Heh, I'm an oddball even in this fandom.

Finding my place in everything is difficult. It's the consequence of my inability to speak casually on any subject. I'm sure if anyone sat down with me and let me drone on about my life story, they might conclude that I'm an interesting person, but not the kind of interesting that you wanna be friends with. I pull my punches a lot when it comes to displaying admiration or likeness, real or not. I don't know how to get better at communicating casually. One thing I learned, at least, is to ask questions about the other party. It's pretty easy for me to drone on about myself, so I have employed this tactic to try and show the other party that I'm interested in hearing about them. Still doesn't work that well.
I suppose that despite my complexity, I don't have an interesting personality. Either that, or I have too much free time and I just kinda stew. I know that most other people have jobs and their relative inactivity is nothing to worry about.

Safety nets are good to have and I just have to try and fill my time with something meaningful. As always,
- Fletcher~

Hello,

Lots of new idea flowing, gotta get them out there.

So, I spoke with my career councilor yesterday, and we came up with a new path for me. I'm quite excited about it! He suggested that, based on my struggles with typical 9-5 work and how bright I become when I explain technical matters to others, that i should pursuit a career in technical writing. I don't know why I didn't think of that, honestly. My motorcycle technology textbook states, in the introductory chapter, that if you enjoy the theory of repair more than the practice, then you can be a technical writer. Over the years, I have dabbled in writing. Back when creepypasta was big, I would write some stories and even shared them with my language arts teacher. She thought I plagiarized them, apparently, so I must've been doing something right for my age (I believe this was 8th grade). So The potential is there. I do enjoy writing these journals, even though there isn't really a format to follow. It's just me sharing my thoughts on life events. I'm sure there is improvement to be made to become a professional writer, but I love the idea.

I would be able to work mostly alone on projects and there's no physical labor; just intellectual stimulation. That's important to me--learning new things--it keeps me engaged. Being a mechanic didn't really offer that. It was very routine.
So, how do I accomplish this? Well, college, of course! UW Tacoma has a program track specifically for technical writers, so it's the best option. CWU also has a program for professional writing which has a couple classes specifically for technical writing, but it's not a focus. It's more broad.
UW is more expensive, but I want to be in Tacoma and the program curriculum seems well rounded. I will have to swallow the cost and stress of moving again, on top of tuition costs. I've never had an issue with financial aid at BTC, but UW could be different. I will find out.

I am concerned about the costs because I had so much planned this year, and I'd hate to push them aside, even if it's for my professional betterment. Anthro Northwest, for example. It's 10 months away, which gives me a lot of time, but since I will be going back to school instead of grinding through work, I may not be able to spare enough money for the hotel costs. I have a way around it, however. I have a sister in Seattle, perhaps I could stay at her apartment for the duration of the convention and thus I would not have to stay at the hotel where the event is being hosted. It would mean I would only have to pay the $65 registration fee. So there's another way.

I feel a little down about it now, but so much can change in just a week, let alone several months. I don't know what challenges I will butt heads with. But I will still try to keep that plan.

I'm looking forward to this career and all the new concepts and skills I will learn along the way. It was refreshing to have someone hear what I had to say about my experience at Ellensburg Powersports and actually tell me where I should go from there; instead of just telling me "that sucks," in essence.
Four years is a long time, but I plan to fill it with friends and memories. You have been very supportive to me this week, and I couldn't be happier with my new outlook.

I want to be honest with you all, and this is a huge risk for me, but I hope you do not overreact, because I'm okay now: I wrote a suicide note early yesterday. I was teetering on the idea, not out of despair, but out of disappointment with myself. I felt that if I could not function in society as a worker, as an independent and responsible adult, then what was the point in moving forward? I didn't want to risk homelessness or leeching off of someone else, so if that's what the future had in store for me, then I wanted to choose for myself to end my life while I still had the means.
That's where my mind was at. It is rational, in all that it outlines. No one but myself was disappointed with me and everyone had hope for me, but I myself felt like I was a failure. The culmination of two years of effort to dig myself out of the well of depression I was in, turned into a week of struggle, finalizing with employment termination.

It's odd, most people think of ending their lives because they feel alone, but I had the idea because I let myself down and I wanted to give up. I was exhausted. I wanted to be free.

What's the moral here? I want to establish a dialog--a conversation--that life is not a straight shot. My expectations were built on media and popular personalities. People who found a passion and rolled with it to find success. Well it doesn't work that way, at least, it didn't for me. I want challenges like this to be known and expected. When my time comes, all I can leave behind are my experiences. What I dealt with, and how I transformed. It is powerful. These journals may be hosted on a furry website, but they are my hammer with which I forge a biography and a dialog, for others to learn from and for others to find comfort in.

I don't know if my experiences are unique or common. The only way to find out is to put the truth out there, even if I risk my security in doing so. I have a new path to follow, I am not lost. I have hope once more, even if I had to climb a mountain to see it.

Thank you for reading,
- Fletcher~

Hey!

So, I've been talking with a lot of people about my employment issue and it's has helped me lay everything out. I'm calm about this situation now, as I've realized that I picked the wrong shop. Most of the friends i've talked to tend to blame this on me, just a little, which isn't comforting, but I hate to admit that it's true.

Regardless, if there's one thing I've learned this week, is that I'm not cut out to be a mechanic! I burnout too quickly with physical labor (thank you, Asperger's! You're a real pal), and the ego and personalities that this industry contains (customers and mechanics alike) are just awful. I mean, really, most mechanics I've worked with have this awful attitude towards other people and they have the typical, right-leaning, blue collar outlook on the world and other people. It shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but I don't feel comfortable working with people like that. I can't change them, and I won't. But I can change my career choice!

Additionally, I made a drastic miscalculation about Ellensburg. You've seen what's happened to me since I moved here just over a week ago. It's restrictive and I feel like I'm living in a police state. It's uncomfortable and it gives me a little anxiety. So, no matter what, I'm getting out of here for good.

Right now, I'm reaching out to my mentors, who helped get me this far, to get heir advice and see if they can give me hand climbing out of this rut. Hopefully, I can get the resources I need to move back west and start anew.
I have two options:

A) Look at this as a bad job experience and look to shops in the Tacoma area for a more positive way forward. Just bite the bullet and trudge on.
or
B) Go back to Bates Technical College and enter into their electronic equipment servicing program (or their electronic and communications systems technology program).

Now, option A means I won't have to spend more time taking classes and I can work with my already established skills, however, as I stated earlier, I'm not fond of working with the people in this industry and shop politics is frustrating. If I can improve quickly, then I'd be making real money here.

Option B means I'll be taking another 6 quarters of classes, but I will be learning something new and will improve my knowledge. This option opens up more employment doors for me, and considering how large the tech industry is, I predict there will be no shortage of jobs, especially in Washington State.

Either one results in me going back to Tacoma, and I love the idea of doing so. Though it's a busy place, there are more people and I can get lost in that fact. There isn't a local reputation to build. I will be closer to convention centers and theaters where bands come and go, so I have plenty of after hours activities that I can do.

It should be noted that if I go back to Bates, I will come out the other end in a career field that pays $20,000 more a year.

I'm curious the see what you all think of this. Most of the people i've talked to here are artists of one form or another,but you're input is comforting.

Thanks for reading!
- Fletcher~

Hello,

I was fired this morning from my job at Ellensburg Powersports. The reason? That's a good question! Why the fuck was I fired?! It still doesn't make sense to me. If I could put it in my own words, i'd say that it was because I wasn't showing enough initiative. I showed up late for the first time today. I called them and let them know I was going to be late. At the very least, I gave them a heads up.
But Kyle, that self-interested, opinionated, asshole was just looking for a reason to get rid of me. I didn't like him from the start. And this was all it took.
They don't know anything about what I have to deal with.
When I get overwhelmed or stressed, I tend to rebound with depression. It brings my mood down and I get tired. I just needed some extra sleep. I'm not outgoing and uppity, thanks to Asperger's. I just couldn't cope fast enough to this new job. I just couldn't! I mean, it only took 4 days for them to go "You know what? I've seen enough."

I was doubting myself because I worked so hard to get here and I wasn't enjoying my work that much.

There are steps I can take to keep myself afloat, but this is still a very scary situation to be in and I feel like the world is closing in on me.
I almost want to just give up.
In the span of one week, I've been beaten down and kicked twice.
I was on thin ice and I took took too many wrong steps.
It was a huge risk, coming back to Ellensburg, and I had a rotten feeling about it from the start.

I'm starting to really believe that I'm not cut out to be a mechanic. I love fixing problems and helping other people with issues they don't know how to correct, but shop politics is the one thing I absolutely hate. These jobs are very interpersonal. That much attention being directed my way is difficult to manage. I wish I worked somewhere where I'm just another face.

Maybe I should go back to Bates Tech and enroll in their Electronic and Communication Systems Technology program. I enjoy testing for faults with my multimeter and soldering and I'm good with electrical work. It's not backbreaking, but it requires a sharp and knowledgeable mind. Being an electronics technician fits me better than being a mechanic. When I get past this month and I have some options, I might just do that.

For those of you who have read my journals from the past two weeks, you can see how violently eventful my life has become. I talk about stability and digging in, only to backtrack like this. I'm sure you understand to some degree the hell I am in.

College is wonderful and I enjoy learning new concepts and putting them into practice. But being fired like that is just heavy. It's like life strolled up to me, spat in my coffee and pissed on my shoes all at once. Then shot my a grin and walked away--leaving me with a mess to clean.

Thank you for reading and thank you for your support,
- Fletcher~

Hey all,

Tonight has been kinda shitty for me.

I took some time out of my evening to ask my IRL friends if they'd like to come with me to Anthro Northwest this year and they all vehemently declined. My best friend, Joseph, did so by jokingly saying "How many grenades will they let me bring in?" and my other good friend, Charity said "No, furries really aren't my thing." Which is a respectable objection, because for most people, it's not interesting. But what irks me the most is that my invitation was not about the convention itself, it was about to chance to get together again and enjoy seeing something new. Okay, i guess that's what the convention is about. But their decision is troubling. I guess I've grown out of them. I mean, I've known them since middle school. It makes sense that we just don't enjoy each other as much. Hell, an acquaintance I met a few days ago liked the idea of going with me! That's insane. She's not in the community herself, but she asked if I had my own character and if I had a suit of my own.

More generally, Joseph is getting along really well with my new roommate and his friends and it feels like I'm being cut out of the picture. I had a fight with one of my online friends and Charity is so baked all the time that she's not the person I used to know and love.
I need new friends. People who share my openness about this community. It's becoming a focus of mine and I can't help but feel like this is my home when everything around me is falling to the side.

I just have to duke it out for the next 10 months and then I will have the chance to meet more people like me. Or maybe I should just sleep. I have work in the morning anyways.

Thanks for reading,
- Fletcher~

Hey all!

As you can tell, I'm feeling better than in my last journal.
I started the first day in my career as a powersports mechanic!
It was a lot better than I thought it would be. I thought they would throw me something very complicated or sic me on PDI stuff, but they actually gave me something routine. In 8 hours, I performed periodic maintenance on two Yamaha Grizzly ATVs. I'll be doing the same on a Polaris Ranger tomorrow. I feel like my first impression was great and the employees at my dealership were not doubtful and were welcoming. They gave me a real shot. I hope to surpass their expectations and become a permanent employee.
I won't update you one every day of my work, but if anything is troubling me or if there is a job that was pleasantly challenging, i'll share the experience with you all.

So, I teased the idea of going to a convention earlier, and I'm certainly even more into the idea now. I've been watching BetaEtaDelota and Imaginatively Unimaginative a lot this week and seeing their experiences has me feeling more enthusiastic.
I'm gonna commission a ref sheet this month so I can have a badge made. Still on the fence about a fursuit, not sure how much use i'd get out of it and I don't know how I want it to look, considering my persona is a dragon and I'm not sure fur would be suitable. I did have an idea about the outer material being neoprene rubber, the fabric used for diving suits/wet suits. It would be smooth and would fit my character, though I'm pretty sure that the color options for neoprene are limited. I'm sure a professional suit-maker would know best, so if I want to buy a fursuit, I'll defer to their better judgement and knowledge.

What convention am I going to? Well, it's not a big national event, but I'm going to Anthro Northwest in Seattle this year (November). I haven't registered yet; I'm waiting until the paychecks start rolling in and I stabilize, or course. But registration is open for 11 months and I doubt that all the spot will be filled.
I've considered participating in the dance competition. I know i don't come off as a dancer, but I enjoy it (when no one's watching). If I'm serious about competing, I'll need to get my routine down. Otherwise, I will just be there to see other furries in the community. If any of you are going to the con, please et me know! It would be a pleasure to see you all in person. Though I'm sure most of you are either too far away or will be going to other conventions this year.

Thanks for reading and I'll see you in the next journal!
- Fletcher~

Hello,

It's day 3 of living back in Ellensburg and a lot has happened. I won't drag any of this on further than I need to, but I need to write my thoughts down.

The first night at my new apartment, after unpacking with my friend Joseph, he and I went out to get some groceries and some things for the apartment. It was great to jsut be with him again. After we were done, we hung out in my new room. My roommate had some people over, new friends of his. They sat pin the living room and broke out a large bottle of cheap vodka. I figured I'd make myself comfortable and sit with them. I took two shots and that made me loosen up a little. Talking with them was great, I've never socialized like that before. I was feeling hopeful. Eventually, Joseph came out to the living room and joined us. We were playing some card games. More people came over and I drank some more. After an hour I was plastered and I had to go back to my room to cool down. Joseph cam by with glasses of water and sat with me as I drunkenly moved around the room trying to talk myself sober. heh, that didn't work. He went back out to join the others and I ended up sleeping.

The next morning, I awoke and made my bed, brushed my teeth, and made coffee and breakfast. I realized that I didn't have a shower curtain, so I hopped on my bike for the first time and kickstarted her. The air was frigid and there was black ice everywhere, but I was up for the challenge. I made it to Fred Meyer and bought a few things. A shower curtain and rings, kitchen towels, a graduated cup for the espresso machine, some foaming hand soap, and laundry detergent. All things I should've bought the night before. Traction was very limited and I rode carefully.

When I made it home, I happily organized all of my items and took my first shower. Afterwards, I got on Discord and chatted with my friend, "C". We did our usual things, like sending memes to each other. I was talking about my new apartment and roommate and how he saw my Bad Dragon mug and asked if that was the dildo company, and I wasn't going to lie, but I didn't like that that part of my life was cast into the spotlight. "C" said, jokingly "maybe he'll join in." To which I replied "No, he's not my type." He responded with "am I your type?"
I could feel the tension in the air. "C" and I met under the pretense of a LDR. Joseph introduced me to him a few years ago. It didn't last long at all, but we stayed in touch and the last few months we would talk constantly. I was really stressed and I enjoyed having someone to share my thoughts with and good around with. But I don't like him in that way. I was tired of beating around the bush so I told him the truth. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. It's like I wasn't myself. I was truthful about my thoughts of a relationship with him to the point where I was mad at myself.

He was really hurt and we didn't talk the rest of the day. Not how I wanted the morning to go. I tried to move past it and I found a guy on Grindr who I liked (at least, we had a lot in common). I set up a date with him for 7pm. Now all I had to do was wait.
I didn't want to just play video games, so I decided to physically transfer money from my financial aid account to my primary checking account. I left and was pleasantly surprised that the ice had mostly melted away. I rode to a gas station with an AllPoint ATM and took out as much as I could. Next, I went to Wells Fargo to deposite the money into my account. Done.
I made my way home. When I was only 5 blocks away from my apartment, I decided to have a little fun and pop my first (mediocre) wheelie in Ellensburg. Bad decision.
There was a CWU police car sitting nearby just waiting for a chance to pounce. And he got it.
I saw the car in front of my pull over before I hear the sirens. I pulled over and felt a heavy sense of dread forcing itself through my body. This was very bad. Not even back home for a full 24 hours and I'm already in trouble.

I was instructed to kill the engine and step off the bike. I sat on the curb and feared the worse. I lost my composure. I placed my head between my legs and started to sob. I guess it's apparent at this point that I'm deathly afraid of police officers. His voice was stern, assertive, and angry. I didn't not argue with him; I admitted that I messed up. Another police SUV pulled up. I'm glad they did. This officer was also CWU police. But her demeanor was more comforting. She still told me I did something stupid, but she wasn't berating me. She rode motorcycles herself and helped the other officer with finding where my endorsement was on my drivers license and informed him that motorcycles aren't required to have insurance in Washington State. Glad she was knowledgeable about motorcycling.

I was cited for expired tabs, failure to come to a complete stop at an intersection, and 2nd degree negligent driving. It was like a knife was plunged into my stomach and my heart, hearing his words. I took my tickets and sat on the curb until they left. He advised me not to ride my bike. So I pushed it back home. I wasn't crying anymore, I was infuriated. I sat in my room talking with my parents about what happened and what I need to do now. Their reactions were split. My father was supportive and was willing to dispute this in court himself, but my mother was more stern with me and did not give me any reassurance. Figures.
I calmed down and went to get a cup of water. My roommate, Dylan, had a friend over. I sat with them and shared my story for the 3rd time. They laughed at the situation, which helped lighten up my mood. Dylan's friend, Lauren, is a law & justice student and she offered to help me with my hearing. That was very comforting. I stayed with them and talked. The officer who pulled me over has a reputation among the CWU students as being pretty knit-picky, so he likely has been to a lot of traffic hearings. They said that was a good thing because the judges are used to stuff like this. I was level headed again. My friend Joseph came by shortly after an we all talked. Lauren even helped me prepare for my date, which was nice of her.

The date went well. I wasn't falling head over heels for him, but he was a likable person. I'll certainly follow up with him. I need to get more comfortable before I can be sure about him.
I woke up this morning with a mild fever. I did my morning routine and now I'm writing this in my spare time before the DOL office opens up.
I'm renewing my registration today to show that I'm taking steps to correct my actions. I will be scheduling a mitigation hearing, as well, to try and explain my half of the story and to show how remorseful I am. I need a second chance right now; I need some slack.
I need to calm down and remember why i'm here: to start my career. That's all that matters. I suppose I feel embarrassed about the traffic stop. I hope no one I knew saw me on the side of the road like that. The last thing I need to to have a reputation of being a law-breaker.

If you read this far, then I appreciate it. I need people to talk to. I'm scared and re-adjusting to this town is going to be tough. Just have to make it through the winter.

- Fletcher~