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Updates and Outlooks
Posted 5 months ago*looks at title*
Gosh I feel like this is some weird form of Dungeons and Dragons but for the workplace.
Hello all would be readers, skimmers and those of other intent. Time to give an update as Memorial Day starts. Seems kinda fitting in a way.
So things at the one job I am leaving, has calmed down and now they don't need me. It's great. I get this time to do what I want to do but I also see the writing on the wall and I can read. The workplace is in a bad condition and it will only get worse. It sucks I won't be able to finish out there but I'll be closer to my family so I'll be able to do what I need to do for me. And on that...
I have been busier than ever. I am doing a lot of training for my new company that I get to hopefully work for. Completed a 3 week onboarding process and another week of training after that but this time at "home". Things are getting set up to where I'll learn more on the job training and then I'll be ready for my final move out to where I will settle.
But because my job has been giving me soo much to train on, I haven't been able to workout in the past couple of weeks. It's been taking a toll on me mentally and I have been pulling back. Lurking, doing the minimum for social events and just not feeling the love in anything anymore. I also feel I am out of touch with communicating with people. Like I'll say one thing and it's interpreted as another.
I don't know what changed but the groups I used to feel myself in seemed to have changed and I don't know if it's me, or much less what to change if it is me.
I still have more training and more things I want to learn. But I also want to immerse myself in Oblivion and forget the world. Don't be surprised if I go back into my shell for a bit. I'm going to focus on doing workouts as I feel that is the thing to "click" my brain out of this fog.
I wish I had a better ending for this journal but this is where I'm at. Maybe this helped collect my thoughts. Maybe this will be good to look back on. What I don't want is pity but rather, understanding that this is where I'm at. Again, I apologize for not being more upbeat but hey, I'm human too.
Gosh I feel like this is some weird form of Dungeons and Dragons but for the workplace.
Hello all would be readers, skimmers and those of other intent. Time to give an update as Memorial Day starts. Seems kinda fitting in a way.
So things at the one job I am leaving, has calmed down and now they don't need me. It's great. I get this time to do what I want to do but I also see the writing on the wall and I can read. The workplace is in a bad condition and it will only get worse. It sucks I won't be able to finish out there but I'll be closer to my family so I'll be able to do what I need to do for me. And on that...
I have been busier than ever. I am doing a lot of training for my new company that I get to hopefully work for. Completed a 3 week onboarding process and another week of training after that but this time at "home". Things are getting set up to where I'll learn more on the job training and then I'll be ready for my final move out to where I will settle.
But because my job has been giving me soo much to train on, I haven't been able to workout in the past couple of weeks. It's been taking a toll on me mentally and I have been pulling back. Lurking, doing the minimum for social events and just not feeling the love in anything anymore. I also feel I am out of touch with communicating with people. Like I'll say one thing and it's interpreted as another.
I don't know what changed but the groups I used to feel myself in seemed to have changed and I don't know if it's me, or much less what to change if it is me.
I still have more training and more things I want to learn. But I also want to immerse myself in Oblivion and forget the world. Don't be surprised if I go back into my shell for a bit. I'm going to focus on doing workouts as I feel that is the thing to "click" my brain out of this fog.
I wish I had a better ending for this journal but this is where I'm at. Maybe this helped collect my thoughts. Maybe this will be good to look back on. What I don't want is pity but rather, understanding that this is where I'm at. Again, I apologize for not being more upbeat but hey, I'm human too.
A little late but 2025...Let's do this I guess
Posted 7 months agoBoy howdy did I hit 2025 running. Leading up to it was fine but as soon as that new calendar was up, I was busy. Lemme see what my Last years goals were...
1. Save more dollerydoos. Oh yeah. So part of my goal heading into this year was saving for a house. I still have to worry about that but I'll be going into an apartment for at least a year. So that'll give me more time to be stable, plan and have a buttload more cash for a down payment. But so far that is progressing nicely despite my job mucking up my money.
2. Surpass my physical limitations. I have been doing this. As of late I got up to running 12 miles once a week with me benching 230 and squatting 245 and deadlifting 260. My deadlifts would be higher if not for my grip and I don't wanna do straps so there we be. And my bar path for squats are getting jacked up so I'm fixing that. Other than that, happy with the progress.
3. Progress in my career. So this has been what has been taking up the majority of my time. I am doing a major career shift from what I planned. Basically there was a long work trip I was slotted to go on. A family emergency came and I had two stipulations. 1. to see this family member ASAP and 2. to see them over Christmas. Got the first 2 weeks later but the second was not going to happen because they wanted me to be part of the initial people to go for no real good reason. So I am leaving. I told them I am looking for other employment elsewhere and they can stuff it if my family doesn't matter to them. So the bulk of my time is getting ready for that transition.
4. Learn to sew. So I had a crochet kit to do things like this but I literally had cops and other people keep hitting me up when I had free time to do this that I got discouraged. Maybe another time but gol-ly was it disheartening.
Number 3 was the big thing. I was planning on progressing forth in the same company but instead, they treated me like dirt so I left. I feel really good about leaving because of all the good prep I do and these reflections that I have enough self respect and the know-how to go out and make it happen. I also don't tie up my living expenses with companies so I am reliant on them. But you don't take my main reason for having this job as an excuse to treat me like shit.
Now looking forward, I have a few goals here and there but a lot of it is going to repeat. I want to...
1. Continue to save for a house
2. Continue to workout
3. Ensure a smooth transition
Those are the main 3 but I have plans for all 3. I'll be traveling a lot more so we'll see about fitness but I'm confident in my ability to maintain. At least I am still able to be out there and be charitable and plan on going to MFF. My door is always open just don't mind me being scatterbrained. Also I uploaded my art so go check them out on both accounts.
Have fun, stay safe and live life like today is your last day. See ya!
1. Save more dollerydoos. Oh yeah. So part of my goal heading into this year was saving for a house. I still have to worry about that but I'll be going into an apartment for at least a year. So that'll give me more time to be stable, plan and have a buttload more cash for a down payment. But so far that is progressing nicely despite my job mucking up my money.
2. Surpass my physical limitations. I have been doing this. As of late I got up to running 12 miles once a week with me benching 230 and squatting 245 and deadlifting 260. My deadlifts would be higher if not for my grip and I don't wanna do straps so there we be. And my bar path for squats are getting jacked up so I'm fixing that. Other than that, happy with the progress.
3. Progress in my career. So this has been what has been taking up the majority of my time. I am doing a major career shift from what I planned. Basically there was a long work trip I was slotted to go on. A family emergency came and I had two stipulations. 1. to see this family member ASAP and 2. to see them over Christmas. Got the first 2 weeks later but the second was not going to happen because they wanted me to be part of the initial people to go for no real good reason. So I am leaving. I told them I am looking for other employment elsewhere and they can stuff it if my family doesn't matter to them. So the bulk of my time is getting ready for that transition.
4. Learn to sew. So I had a crochet kit to do things like this but I literally had cops and other people keep hitting me up when I had free time to do this that I got discouraged. Maybe another time but gol-ly was it disheartening.
Number 3 was the big thing. I was planning on progressing forth in the same company but instead, they treated me like dirt so I left. I feel really good about leaving because of all the good prep I do and these reflections that I have enough self respect and the know-how to go out and make it happen. I also don't tie up my living expenses with companies so I am reliant on them. But you don't take my main reason for having this job as an excuse to treat me like shit.
Now looking forward, I have a few goals here and there but a lot of it is going to repeat. I want to...
1. Continue to save for a house
2. Continue to workout
3. Ensure a smooth transition
Those are the main 3 but I have plans for all 3. I'll be traveling a lot more so we'll see about fitness but I'm confident in my ability to maintain. At least I am still able to be out there and be charitable and plan on going to MFF. My door is always open just don't mind me being scatterbrained. Also I uploaded my art so go check them out on both accounts.
Have fun, stay safe and live life like today is your last day. See ya!
Mortality Rant
Posted 2 years agoAs an FYI, I will be talking about death here. Yeah shocking considering I get reaper art but if this aint for you, delete it from your feed. You won't offend me.
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Alright cool, so let's begin.
I want to just rant about mortality. I have noticed a lot of people in my generation think about the future and their place (or not) in it. Yeah we knew it existed but it's not something we thought about. At least, it wasn't something most people thought about.
Cue a very little Fossil before puberty hit, vividly remembering having existential dread and needing his mother to console him. As I grew, I had a lot of near death experiences. A common thought process would be, what if one of them...stuck?
No I am not sucidal or throw my life away at every given opportunity. But I thought about (and to be honest I still kind of do) and still think about death. When I was younger, I could see myself not having a lasting impact. I thought about people being sad sure but then after it, life just goes on. And think about some of the people in your life no longer here with us. I think about my recently passed away grandmother and see how she left others. I see the way her influence affected my mother, me and even my kids. Yes we were sad but life does go on. I'm not as sad as I once was about it. In fact, I am happier knowing she isn't in any pain anymore.
And I though about my lasting impact. I have noticed my perspective heavily shifted when I had kids. I have thought about what kind of example I would set for my son and daughter about how a man should be. Even now that I can no longer see them when I please, I still think about how I carry myself for them because they see and they notice things I may not be aware of. So I sit and stew over what I could be doing. I constantly assess myself so that I can be the best person, not only for my kids but my friends and my mother.
God, I can only think about what my mother would think when she eventually dies. I'm just happy to know that she trusts me to carry on her final wishes when she passes. We have had long talks about it and even though I have siblings, she has left enough to take care of both of us but I assured her that I wouldn't get much; sentimental pieces and that's it. She smiled and I'd like to think that I just further proved that I am her son.
"Okay, so fuck. Why go down this line of thinking? What is the point in thinking about something so scary?", you may be wondering and you're right. Death is scary but also comforting. I believe the more you get exposed to what is scary, the less scary it is. So I challenge you to think about your own mortality provided you have the comfort of others around you.
As for what the point of all this is, it is to get a clear picture of what others have done for you and what you will leave behind for others. For me, I use it as motivation to better myself in all avenues of life. Since having kids and not being able to see them, I have thought about what kind of example should I leave to my kids as far as being a man. I want to show them that a man should be strong and kind. Willing to go ahead and lend aid whenever they can. It's why I workout. It's partially why I am in the service. I want to show them that even at my age, I have plenty of fire inside that I can spread to the world and make it a better place and that I have the strength to do so. Whether that be physical or mental.
Okay well you want to be better for your kids. I don't have kids so what can I do? You have parents or friends. Do you not want to be the person they can come to for assisstance? After the forced departure my partner gave me, I dug myself out of crippling debt and am actually thriving. I am at the point where I can help others while also providing enough for me in the future. I have such a good bedrock that my mother comes to me, the youngest sibling, about what to do when she dies. I project that influence of being competant and safe not only to my mother but to my friends who want to confide in me about problems they may be ashamed of. It is through these interactions that when I die, My ripple effect will be more subtle but they will be felt and by those I care about the most.
Now, when I think about letting go of my mortal coil, I am not thinking of how little I impact I have had. Now, I think about all the people that have shaped me. I think about the people I have helped. I think about the people that I have mentored whether they knew it or not. And you can mentor someone just by displaying your natural influence.
I'll paraphrase something a drill sergeant said to my graduating class that he heard from someone else. That is that you, yes you, have influence. It does not matter if you are the lowest guy on the totem pole, or the big person in charge. You have influence. It does not matter if it's at work, home, while you are out, playing video games, waiting in line, whatever. The way you show your influence is by how you carry yourself and how you dress. This gets more intimate by the sound of your voice, how firm your handshake is, how your tone is, what kind of mood you are in, so on and so on. There are a lot of tiny details that display our influence and so the question I ask is, what does your influence say about you? Once you answer that, the bigger question that follows is, what do you want your influence to say about you? Then subsequently, how can I change what I currently project into what I want to project.
Therein lies why I do my recaps now. My memory ain't all there so I look back and reflect. That is why I set goals of wanting to lift more, save more, do more. I am so demanding of myself so that I can set myself up to project an influence of someone who accomplishes many things and can be viewed as widely successful by other's eyes. All so that I can smile and tell them I had just as much failure as I did success or that I had much bigger plans.
Okay that last part was kind of an ego boost but I feel like after the forced separation that I deserve a little self boosting. And look, I'm not saying I'm perfect for everyone and honestly I'm not the right fit for everyone. But for those that are here and in my immediate circle, I want to be the best version of me I can be. It's not just for me but it is for you because if I can make it on my own, you can definitely make it with someone cheering for you on the sideline (that someone is me!).
All in all, think about death. Think about the lasting influence you will have. When that time does eventually come, I want you to be like me and go off smiling at a life without regrets.
Thank you.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Alright cool, so let's begin.
I want to just rant about mortality. I have noticed a lot of people in my generation think about the future and their place (or not) in it. Yeah we knew it existed but it's not something we thought about. At least, it wasn't something most people thought about.
Cue a very little Fossil before puberty hit, vividly remembering having existential dread and needing his mother to console him. As I grew, I had a lot of near death experiences. A common thought process would be, what if one of them...stuck?
No I am not sucidal or throw my life away at every given opportunity. But I thought about (and to be honest I still kind of do) and still think about death. When I was younger, I could see myself not having a lasting impact. I thought about people being sad sure but then after it, life just goes on. And think about some of the people in your life no longer here with us. I think about my recently passed away grandmother and see how she left others. I see the way her influence affected my mother, me and even my kids. Yes we were sad but life does go on. I'm not as sad as I once was about it. In fact, I am happier knowing she isn't in any pain anymore.
And I though about my lasting impact. I have noticed my perspective heavily shifted when I had kids. I have thought about what kind of example I would set for my son and daughter about how a man should be. Even now that I can no longer see them when I please, I still think about how I carry myself for them because they see and they notice things I may not be aware of. So I sit and stew over what I could be doing. I constantly assess myself so that I can be the best person, not only for my kids but my friends and my mother.
God, I can only think about what my mother would think when she eventually dies. I'm just happy to know that she trusts me to carry on her final wishes when she passes. We have had long talks about it and even though I have siblings, she has left enough to take care of both of us but I assured her that I wouldn't get much; sentimental pieces and that's it. She smiled and I'd like to think that I just further proved that I am her son.
"Okay, so fuck. Why go down this line of thinking? What is the point in thinking about something so scary?", you may be wondering and you're right. Death is scary but also comforting. I believe the more you get exposed to what is scary, the less scary it is. So I challenge you to think about your own mortality provided you have the comfort of others around you.
As for what the point of all this is, it is to get a clear picture of what others have done for you and what you will leave behind for others. For me, I use it as motivation to better myself in all avenues of life. Since having kids and not being able to see them, I have thought about what kind of example should I leave to my kids as far as being a man. I want to show them that a man should be strong and kind. Willing to go ahead and lend aid whenever they can. It's why I workout. It's partially why I am in the service. I want to show them that even at my age, I have plenty of fire inside that I can spread to the world and make it a better place and that I have the strength to do so. Whether that be physical or mental.
Okay well you want to be better for your kids. I don't have kids so what can I do? You have parents or friends. Do you not want to be the person they can come to for assisstance? After the forced departure my partner gave me, I dug myself out of crippling debt and am actually thriving. I am at the point where I can help others while also providing enough for me in the future. I have such a good bedrock that my mother comes to me, the youngest sibling, about what to do when she dies. I project that influence of being competant and safe not only to my mother but to my friends who want to confide in me about problems they may be ashamed of. It is through these interactions that when I die, My ripple effect will be more subtle but they will be felt and by those I care about the most.
Now, when I think about letting go of my mortal coil, I am not thinking of how little I impact I have had. Now, I think about all the people that have shaped me. I think about the people I have helped. I think about the people that I have mentored whether they knew it or not. And you can mentor someone just by displaying your natural influence.
I'll paraphrase something a drill sergeant said to my graduating class that he heard from someone else. That is that you, yes you, have influence. It does not matter if you are the lowest guy on the totem pole, or the big person in charge. You have influence. It does not matter if it's at work, home, while you are out, playing video games, waiting in line, whatever. The way you show your influence is by how you carry yourself and how you dress. This gets more intimate by the sound of your voice, how firm your handshake is, how your tone is, what kind of mood you are in, so on and so on. There are a lot of tiny details that display our influence and so the question I ask is, what does your influence say about you? Once you answer that, the bigger question that follows is, what do you want your influence to say about you? Then subsequently, how can I change what I currently project into what I want to project.
Therein lies why I do my recaps now. My memory ain't all there so I look back and reflect. That is why I set goals of wanting to lift more, save more, do more. I am so demanding of myself so that I can set myself up to project an influence of someone who accomplishes many things and can be viewed as widely successful by other's eyes. All so that I can smile and tell them I had just as much failure as I did success or that I had much bigger plans.
Okay that last part was kind of an ego boost but I feel like after the forced separation that I deserve a little self boosting. And look, I'm not saying I'm perfect for everyone and honestly I'm not the right fit for everyone. But for those that are here and in my immediate circle, I want to be the best version of me I can be. It's not just for me but it is for you because if I can make it on my own, you can definitely make it with someone cheering for you on the sideline (that someone is me!).
All in all, think about death. Think about the lasting influence you will have. When that time does eventually come, I want you to be like me and go off smiling at a life without regrets.
Thank you.
2024...Let's do this I guess
Posted 2 years agoI am keeping with tradition and will run down my 3 goals from last year
1. Seeing a therapist - So yeah I actually tried seeing a therapist in 2023. And I had such a horrendous experience that I never wanted to see one again. Luckily a very smart friend of mine told me that, "it's okay to take a break." That just stuck with me so I allowed myself to recover from that. Hopefully earlier this year I can see one.
2. Save $$$ - Fuggin nailed it gov. I saved to my goal and it was easy once I set a budget for myself and paid myself first.
3. Connect with people - Holy balls did I accomplish this in spades. I feel like I have gotten to see so many people these cons and I am really happy and excited and I know some fell through the cracks and I'm sorry but yeah. Don't be afraid to reach out cause I'm just a guy.
Uhhh this year kinda seem to just fly by I kinda wish I did a journal but I really didn't. Main takeaways was that I did my job, was away to Kentucky for a month, continued with D&D and went to FWA, saw my family for a month, AC, and MFF. I have maintained a pretty healthy body and I plan on doing that for next year.
So my goals for 2024...
1. Save more dollerydoos. I still have my savings but I have noticed that since I have buckled down and saved, some are either impressed but, more importantly, they want to join in that journey to. I am all about others taking that journey and saving along with me. I will help as much as I can so please feel free to reach out about that.
2. Surpass my physical limitations. So now that I have developed workout plans and have done that, I want to continue to do that for myself. Although I let myself indulge earlier in the year, I think I can hop on track and become better about that again.
3. Progress in my career. There are a few certs and career paths I am going to buckle down and do for myself now that I have decided where I want to go. So I will be making strides to ensure that happens. And bonus...
4. Learn to sew. I wana create little plushie things and I think it'd be neat to do that as a stress relief. So if anyone has any recommendations for it, please hit me up.
And yeah that is pretty much it. More things for me to self improve on. Hopefully this year you have something to work for.
1. Seeing a therapist - So yeah I actually tried seeing a therapist in 2023. And I had such a horrendous experience that I never wanted to see one again. Luckily a very smart friend of mine told me that, "it's okay to take a break." That just stuck with me so I allowed myself to recover from that. Hopefully earlier this year I can see one.
2. Save $$$ - Fuggin nailed it gov. I saved to my goal and it was easy once I set a budget for myself and paid myself first.
3. Connect with people - Holy balls did I accomplish this in spades. I feel like I have gotten to see so many people these cons and I am really happy and excited and I know some fell through the cracks and I'm sorry but yeah. Don't be afraid to reach out cause I'm just a guy.
Uhhh this year kinda seem to just fly by I kinda wish I did a journal but I really didn't. Main takeaways was that I did my job, was away to Kentucky for a month, continued with D&D and went to FWA, saw my family for a month, AC, and MFF. I have maintained a pretty healthy body and I plan on doing that for next year.
So my goals for 2024...
1. Save more dollerydoos. I still have my savings but I have noticed that since I have buckled down and saved, some are either impressed but, more importantly, they want to join in that journey to. I am all about others taking that journey and saving along with me. I will help as much as I can so please feel free to reach out about that.
2. Surpass my physical limitations. So now that I have developed workout plans and have done that, I want to continue to do that for myself. Although I let myself indulge earlier in the year, I think I can hop on track and become better about that again.
3. Progress in my career. There are a few certs and career paths I am going to buckle down and do for myself now that I have decided where I want to go. So I will be making strides to ensure that happens. And bonus...
4. Learn to sew. I wana create little plushie things and I think it'd be neat to do that as a stress relief. So if anyone has any recommendations for it, please hit me up.
And yeah that is pretty much it. More things for me to self improve on. Hopefully this year you have something to work for.
So until further notice...
Posted 2 years agoI will not be playing in any long standing campaigns for any tabletop role playing games. A game lasting 1-4 sessions, sure but any longer than that, nuh-uh. I am sick and tired of a game, meant to be fun, being taken way to seriously and affecting real life. Like when you plot breaking in and entering my house for a fucking game, I'm done. Lines are crossed and I'm not the same people pleaser I once was. Please understand. If not, unfollow, block me, whatever. I don't want entertainment to get in the way of actual life. Things are hard enough as is.
Anthrocon 23
Posted 2 years agoYup I'll be there. Look for a handsome nerd wearing a green firewolf badge. If you see me, feel free to say hello. If you wana get a hold of me, hit me up on telegram and we'll make something happen. I should be there in time for prereg at noon.
FWA 23
Posted 2 years agoMan...man...MAN, what a blast. I'm going to break it down into days then break it down into people. If I don't get to you then I'm sorry. Poke me here and I'll say something.
Day -2: No, this is correct. My journey begins a couple of days before the con. How? Because some lovable tigerskunk, I went ahead to volunteer for the people registering. Granted it was staffers but still it was a fun time. Little did I know I would meet a wonderful plush named Eliza and that would start a fun weekend. Although after registering people, Rowann and I quickly saw that things close and they close early. But we found a good pub and got some good burgers. We grabbed my things from the train station and then made it back to Kigu's room. Holy heck was that an interesting experience. Again meeting so many wonderful people like Alastor, Travis, Luna and just, too many to count. Sorry if I don't remember you all but my memory is usually meh and there was a lot to remember this weekend.
Day -1: Thursday? Yeah Thursday. Lotta people, lotta setup and me being taken away into the board game / video game room for the con. Lots of setup and making sure people ate and had fun. When we did finally open you probably could have seen my butt up in the front telling you to scan in your badges. It's what I do. I have a presence and I leverage that appropriately. I'm pretty sure I met people that day as well but for the life of me everything is a blur and I just go places. After that I do remember going to meet Flay and then meeting Mattswolf. More on them later. I may have also met Aliradan that day but we met up a few times throughout the con. I wana say I also met Vylraz this night and hung out with them. Went to crash in Kigu's suite and saw a couple MORE people. Overall sleep was taking a hold and I passed out.
Day 0: Friday Woo! These interum days get very...blurred. Some things I remember are that I generally check in the morning to make sure they are all good and set. I usually volunteer to man the front after receiving updates and telling others what is coming up. I remember wanting to see Fastest Furs and remember seeing the Spyro speedrun or at least some of it. I met up with Fruit and Necker and Nate. Don't think I did too much for myself because I went to my room early because of a D&D session. Oh! I did manage to barely eat because of miscommunication. Then volunteering front desk until 8:30 so I can make it to D&D. Also fucking elevators. I am glad I was on the 8th floor where I could just use stairs.
Day 1: Saturday. YES THIS HELPS ME ORGANIZE THINGS IN MY BRAIN!! So uhh, major thing about this day was that I was finally able to visit artist alley and dealer's den. I would have gone the day before but miscommunication. Oh well at least I got to see what was what. I got a gift for someone and managed to get a few contacts for people for various commissions I have in the works. Other than that I managed to eat and take care of myself and stay awake long enough to get dressed up and serve drinks to Necker, Mattswolf, Fruit and Baroshi who is someone new to me. Then we all made our way over to the Hypnofurs Meet and Greet which turned out to be a lot of fun. I'm glad I was able to pose with another dapper wolf and...have that be...posted... I met a ton of good people at this event and too many to really name. A highlight was when holyssdasgdhjdsd PAX! They are someone I have been following in terms of artwork for a while and it was a real treat. I'll have more to say later but after talking in a group I left to go sleep.
Day 2: Sunday. The morning went like normal. Went for a walk in Atlanta for Dunkin, go to vgr / bgr to see how they were. Volunteering. I managed to get lunch with Rowann at Gus's world famous chicken. While there I was actually able to see and meet Keliff. Another person I have been watching on Twitch and they have comfy cozy vibes and I feel bad for interrupting their table but gol-ly I would have kicked myself harder not at least saying hi and I appreciate them. Definitely had the nervous jitters after that one. Later I remember being in vgr volunteering and being overcome with low energy and feeling week. I went to CVS to grab something to fix that and ended up taking a power nap. So much so that I missed the closing ceremony where Rowann was made staff! Then I hung around with Necker and went to Trader Vic's for a Mai Tai and a Peach Rum cocktail. I'm happy to say their mai tai is comparable to my own which is good cause I have been making them right :P Thank you Smuggler's Cove. After that it was going to bgr to pack up everything and hang out with the rest of the staff. Honestly was a fantastic time and would gladly donate my time again. Then I got a hold of Mattswolf and managed to get into their party where they served me drinks. Wahoo! Also I met Vinyl. I met them before but I also met them here. Was fun doing "various" things and hanging out. Will mention more on that later.
Day 3: Monday. Gonna keep it short. Was a day to pack up and go home. I met Flay in the morning and gosh they are a lovely person I can't wait to see them at AC. Other than that. 6 hour car ride home and packing everything up and then passing out for like...12 hours.
People in no particular order:
919natedog What can I say? It was great to meet you. Always chill and relaxing when we meet and a way to "detach" myself from the con without actually leaving. Thank you for helping recharge my social battery and helping when you could.
Sparrow I am glad to have helped and thank you for setting things up the way you did. My main buddy traversing the con with and I wouldn't have it any other way. I enjoyed searching for methods to fix your shoe and hope your skunk tail gets fixed so you can keep using it at other cons. Also thank you for running the hypno meet and greet. Definitely a lot of fun.
tentacleTomcat Oh yeah! Remember that blur? I cannot forget Citrine even if I wanted to. They have an infectious personality that can't help but make you feel happy and comforted as they sway and look very adorable. Always a pleasure to meet them and I hope their move works out for them but I have no doubt that it will.
Mattswolf The man, the myth, the legend. Gol-ly I was super happy to have met. Fucking we go back soo far and having that time to chill and make drinks was a check mark off the bucket list. Being one of the main reasons why I went to this con, I am glad that the meetings did not disappoint. Matt, I will promise to be an expert more in my craft so next we meet, I have more to show you. Cheers mate.
Director_Vinyl: Okay. Vinyl. You have called me cute and gentle soul and a cool person and so many wonderful things that A FOSS CAN ONLY TAKE SOO MANY COMPLIMENTS BEFORE HE JUST BREAKS DOWN...but thanks. Seriously they are a joy to be around and loved getting to hug them and hug them so much that I just pick them up and carry them away...woops! lol
drazin What can I say about this loveable nerd. Was great to hang out with them and spend time. Would love to do more and break out of my shell but throughout this con it seemed like if I wasn't volunteering I was off doing other things. I just hope they had fun and were up to their shenanigans. Even if part of it was tie tugging then walking away as if nothing happened. :P
Stranger1500 *SCREAMS INTO THE VOID* Okay, now that that is over with, let me fill you in. I think if it hadn't been for the light drinking I did earlier that day, I may have been a bundle of nerves. There isn't a whole lot of people that will get me to be a giant fanboy about things but again, their art is really amazing. After talking with them in a group setting and finding out they are smart, participate in cool hobbies like fencing, and has a cool vibe about them. And there has got to be something said when I can identify with having a degree yet no one wants to hire you. I wish you and yours a safe trip back home and until next time.
FruitOfTheDoom I am glad that Fruit and I got to meet at this convention. It was very nice to meet them and be able to mix drinks for. We didn't hang out as often during the con as I would like (I have a feeling I will be saying this a lot) but the time we did spend was good. Good to have around and hope they enjoyed themselves at the con.
Aliradan-the-Black Listen, what can I say about this cutie. We talk and we have done a few things in the past but gol-ly they are FUCKING ADORABLE IN PERSON. I would let my draconic tendencies take over and hoard and massage and let Ali know she is a precious bean. I can tell Ali had a couple of good nights at the con and again would have loved to have spend more time with them. Amazing, wonderful and don't mind the goo, you won't have one in a minute anyways.
I could go on but honorable mentions:
Eliza, Plushie Empress Supreme
Kigu Prime
Poppy
Lunara
Alastor
Various staffers like Paul and Sable and John
Cyan Snowmew
Baroshi (That's right fucker. Get mentioned twice! lol)
Jon (Fellow milfur and really cool horse sona)
Neck my bromther
Also this con convinced me to get a twitter. Feel free to follow me at Fossilbrandfur. I promise I'll try and figure out how this thing works lol. Again sorry if I missed anything but I am being dragged away cause it's my neighbor's birthday and they want me to eat cake and ice cream.
Day -2: No, this is correct. My journey begins a couple of days before the con. How? Because some lovable tigerskunk, I went ahead to volunteer for the people registering. Granted it was staffers but still it was a fun time. Little did I know I would meet a wonderful plush named Eliza and that would start a fun weekend. Although after registering people, Rowann and I quickly saw that things close and they close early. But we found a good pub and got some good burgers. We grabbed my things from the train station and then made it back to Kigu's room. Holy heck was that an interesting experience. Again meeting so many wonderful people like Alastor, Travis, Luna and just, too many to count. Sorry if I don't remember you all but my memory is usually meh and there was a lot to remember this weekend.
Day -1: Thursday? Yeah Thursday. Lotta people, lotta setup and me being taken away into the board game / video game room for the con. Lots of setup and making sure people ate and had fun. When we did finally open you probably could have seen my butt up in the front telling you to scan in your badges. It's what I do. I have a presence and I leverage that appropriately. I'm pretty sure I met people that day as well but for the life of me everything is a blur and I just go places. After that I do remember going to meet Flay and then meeting Mattswolf. More on them later. I may have also met Aliradan that day but we met up a few times throughout the con. I wana say I also met Vylraz this night and hung out with them. Went to crash in Kigu's suite and saw a couple MORE people. Overall sleep was taking a hold and I passed out.
Day 0: Friday Woo! These interum days get very...blurred. Some things I remember are that I generally check in the morning to make sure they are all good and set. I usually volunteer to man the front after receiving updates and telling others what is coming up. I remember wanting to see Fastest Furs and remember seeing the Spyro speedrun or at least some of it. I met up with Fruit and Necker and Nate. Don't think I did too much for myself because I went to my room early because of a D&D session. Oh! I did manage to barely eat because of miscommunication. Then volunteering front desk until 8:30 so I can make it to D&D. Also fucking elevators. I am glad I was on the 8th floor where I could just use stairs.
Day 1: Saturday. YES THIS HELPS ME ORGANIZE THINGS IN MY BRAIN!! So uhh, major thing about this day was that I was finally able to visit artist alley and dealer's den. I would have gone the day before but miscommunication. Oh well at least I got to see what was what. I got a gift for someone and managed to get a few contacts for people for various commissions I have in the works. Other than that I managed to eat and take care of myself and stay awake long enough to get dressed up and serve drinks to Necker, Mattswolf, Fruit and Baroshi who is someone new to me. Then we all made our way over to the Hypnofurs Meet and Greet which turned out to be a lot of fun. I'm glad I was able to pose with another dapper wolf and...have that be...posted... I met a ton of good people at this event and too many to really name. A highlight was when holyssdasgdhjdsd PAX! They are someone I have been following in terms of artwork for a while and it was a real treat. I'll have more to say later but after talking in a group I left to go sleep.
Day 2: Sunday. The morning went like normal. Went for a walk in Atlanta for Dunkin, go to vgr / bgr to see how they were. Volunteering. I managed to get lunch with Rowann at Gus's world famous chicken. While there I was actually able to see and meet Keliff. Another person I have been watching on Twitch and they have comfy cozy vibes and I feel bad for interrupting their table but gol-ly I would have kicked myself harder not at least saying hi and I appreciate them. Definitely had the nervous jitters after that one. Later I remember being in vgr volunteering and being overcome with low energy and feeling week. I went to CVS to grab something to fix that and ended up taking a power nap. So much so that I missed the closing ceremony where Rowann was made staff! Then I hung around with Necker and went to Trader Vic's for a Mai Tai and a Peach Rum cocktail. I'm happy to say their mai tai is comparable to my own which is good cause I have been making them right :P Thank you Smuggler's Cove. After that it was going to bgr to pack up everything and hang out with the rest of the staff. Honestly was a fantastic time and would gladly donate my time again. Then I got a hold of Mattswolf and managed to get into their party where they served me drinks. Wahoo! Also I met Vinyl. I met them before but I also met them here. Was fun doing "various" things and hanging out. Will mention more on that later.
Day 3: Monday. Gonna keep it short. Was a day to pack up and go home. I met Flay in the morning and gosh they are a lovely person I can't wait to see them at AC. Other than that. 6 hour car ride home and packing everything up and then passing out for like...12 hours.
People in no particular order:
919natedog What can I say? It was great to meet you. Always chill and relaxing when we meet and a way to "detach" myself from the con without actually leaving. Thank you for helping recharge my social battery and helping when you could. 
Sparrow I am glad to have helped and thank you for setting things up the way you did. My main buddy traversing the con with and I wouldn't have it any other way. I enjoyed searching for methods to fix your shoe and hope your skunk tail gets fixed so you can keep using it at other cons. Also thank you for running the hypno meet and greet. Definitely a lot of fun. 
tentacleTomcat Oh yeah! Remember that blur? I cannot forget Citrine even if I wanted to. They have an infectious personality that can't help but make you feel happy and comforted as they sway and look very adorable. Always a pleasure to meet them and I hope their move works out for them but I have no doubt that it will. 
Mattswolf The man, the myth, the legend. Gol-ly I was super happy to have met. Fucking we go back soo far and having that time to chill and make drinks was a check mark off the bucket list. Being one of the main reasons why I went to this con, I am glad that the meetings did not disappoint. Matt, I will promise to be an expert more in my craft so next we meet, I have more to show you. Cheers mate. Director_Vinyl: Okay. Vinyl. You have called me cute and gentle soul and a cool person and so many wonderful things that A FOSS CAN ONLY TAKE SOO MANY COMPLIMENTS BEFORE HE JUST BREAKS DOWN...
drazin What can I say about this loveable nerd. Was great to hang out with them and spend time. Would love to do more and break out of my shell but throughout this con it seemed like if I wasn't volunteering I was off doing other things. I just hope they had fun and were up to their shenanigans. Even if part of it was tie tugging then walking away as if nothing happened. :P
Stranger1500 *SCREAMS INTO THE VOID* Okay, now that that is over with, let me fill you in. I think if it hadn't been for the light drinking I did earlier that day, I may have been a bundle of nerves. There isn't a whole lot of people that will get me to be a giant fanboy about things but again, their art is really amazing. After talking with them in a group setting and finding out they are smart, participate in cool hobbies like fencing, and has a cool vibe about them. And there has got to be something said when I can identify with having a degree yet no one wants to hire you. I wish you and yours a safe trip back home and until next time. 
FruitOfTheDoom I am glad that Fruit and I got to meet at this convention. It was very nice to meet them and be able to mix drinks for. We didn't hang out as often during the con as I would like (I have a feeling I will be saying this a lot) but the time we did spend was good. Good to have around and hope they enjoyed themselves at the con. 
Aliradan-the-Black Listen, what can I say about this cutie. We talk and we have done a few things in the past but gol-ly they are FUCKING ADORABLE IN PERSON. I would let my draconic tendencies take over and hoard and massage and let Ali know she is a precious bean. I can tell Ali had a couple of good nights at the con and again would have loved to have spend more time with them. Amazing, wonderful and don't mind the goo, you won't have one in a minute anyways. I could go on but honorable mentions:
Eliza, Plushie Empress Supreme
Kigu Prime
Poppy
Lunara
Alastor
Various staffers like Paul and Sable and John
Cyan Snowmew
Baroshi (That's right fucker. Get mentioned twice! lol)
Jon (Fellow milfur and really cool horse sona)
Neck my bromther
Also this con convinced me to get a twitter. Feel free to follow me at Fossilbrandfur. I promise I'll try and figure out how this thing works lol. Again sorry if I missed anything but I am being dragged away cause it's my neighbor's birthday and they want me to eat cake and ice cream.
*Exhales* Okay, How we doing?
Posted 2 years agoTaking a look at my goals from the New Year. YES THOSE WERE REAL GOALS!! So what's the point of having them if I don't regularly check up on them?
1. Seeing a therapist: *whistles* Hoooo boy this one was a doozy. So back in early February, my co-workers encouraged me to book the appointment then because it would be a process. So I did for March and then was referred out and was seen in April. Now during Jan-early March, I had 1 or 2 weeks total where I would come up for air before diving back down into depression. So by the time I went to see that someone I was referred out to, I was actually feeling alright. Excited even to be seen and heard. So I went on in and spoke my piece. I was asked about why it took so long to see her and well that is the military and their process. They are notoriously backed up for seeing people. Then when explaining and dredging up the things from my past, I was told mid way to "stop lying" and then at the end that she only had 3 doctors on staff and they were booked but I should still see someone about being more self confident... So I left feeling depressed again until a very good friend told me that "it's okay, it's part of the process and you can give yourself permission to take the time before starting again." And you know what? I'm doing that. I don't know why that last part clicked but I am giving myself time to recover from the bullshit of insurance companies and practitioners trying to get money while the patient suffers. Fuck that shit. How's that for self confidence?
2. Saving money: Honestly this is the one I am least concerned about. I put away half of my paycheck for savings and the other half for bills and I live well below my means. I also got introduced to a money market account and will probably end up doing that very soon. It's liquid and higher savings than savings so yay.
3. Connecting with people: ...*sigh* I would like to rescind my 2023 goal here. No? Fuck. Well I am trying to reach out to new people but honestly I wana forge a stronger bond with my older friends. I drove 10.5 hours to be a part of their wedding and I am happy that I did but that open bar, 4 hours of sleep and that 10.5 hour drive back I could have done without lol. But I am active more of their server and trying to keep up. I figure something is better than nothing. Other than that I am a nerd who generally sticks with one group that honestly jives well with each other. I like spending my time there so if you guys from that group see this, I love ya nerds. I have friends that I could always talk to granted the ones that are closer I feel I bitch about certain things quite often and feel like I am a bit too much. I dunno people say I mean well and am a positive influence in the world even though I feel bitter about everyone and everything so I'll take their word for it.
But who knows. With FWA around the corner, who knows if I'll be bit by the social bug like how I was bit by the wedding bug at my friend's wedding. I'm gonna be real excited to say hi to new people and those I have only known in the online space. So if you'll be at FWA and wana meet, drop me a line. I don't bite.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have satisfied that part of my brain that wants to hold myself accountable for things like this. I have a 4 day weekend to finish after going through a hell week at work and I plan on playing Against the Storm and working out to the point where I feel sore for days on end cause you know, self induced stress and body soreness is relaxing to me.
1. Seeing a therapist: *whistles* Hoooo boy this one was a doozy. So back in early February, my co-workers encouraged me to book the appointment then because it would be a process. So I did for March and then was referred out and was seen in April. Now during Jan-early March, I had 1 or 2 weeks total where I would come up for air before diving back down into depression. So by the time I went to see that someone I was referred out to, I was actually feeling alright. Excited even to be seen and heard. So I went on in and spoke my piece. I was asked about why it took so long to see her and well that is the military and their process. They are notoriously backed up for seeing people. Then when explaining and dredging up the things from my past, I was told mid way to "stop lying" and then at the end that she only had 3 doctors on staff and they were booked but I should still see someone about being more self confident... So I left feeling depressed again until a very good friend told me that "it's okay, it's part of the process and you can give yourself permission to take the time before starting again." And you know what? I'm doing that. I don't know why that last part clicked but I am giving myself time to recover from the bullshit of insurance companies and practitioners trying to get money while the patient suffers. Fuck that shit. How's that for self confidence?
2. Saving money: Honestly this is the one I am least concerned about. I put away half of my paycheck for savings and the other half for bills and I live well below my means. I also got introduced to a money market account and will probably end up doing that very soon. It's liquid and higher savings than savings so yay.
3. Connecting with people: ...*sigh* I would like to rescind my 2023 goal here. No? Fuck. Well I am trying to reach out to new people but honestly I wana forge a stronger bond with my older friends. I drove 10.5 hours to be a part of their wedding and I am happy that I did but that open bar, 4 hours of sleep and that 10.5 hour drive back I could have done without lol. But I am active more of their server and trying to keep up. I figure something is better than nothing. Other than that I am a nerd who generally sticks with one group that honestly jives well with each other. I like spending my time there so if you guys from that group see this, I love ya nerds. I have friends that I could always talk to granted the ones that are closer I feel I bitch about certain things quite often and feel like I am a bit too much. I dunno people say I mean well and am a positive influence in the world even though I feel bitter about everyone and everything so I'll take their word for it.
But who knows. With FWA around the corner, who knows if I'll be bit by the social bug like how I was bit by the wedding bug at my friend's wedding. I'm gonna be real excited to say hi to new people and those I have only known in the online space. So if you'll be at FWA and wana meet, drop me a line. I don't bite.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have satisfied that part of my brain that wants to hold myself accountable for things like this. I have a 4 day weekend to finish after going through a hell week at work and I plan on playing Against the Storm and working out to the point where I feel sore for days on end cause you know, self induced stress and body soreness is relaxing to me.
You know...
Posted 2 years agoI have good friends. Today it felt like I was a bandaid for a lot of other people's problems at work and instead of expressing it in a negative way, I bottled the majority up until I could safely release it running...7 miles...for an hour. Its healthier than the alternative.
Also to those friends that listened and continually poke and prod, I see you and I hope that I express that I do care. If not then please remind me. I have a lot of things going on and I'd hate for someone to feel unwanted.
Also to those friends that listened and continually poke and prod, I see you and I hope that I express that I do care. If not then please remind me. I have a lot of things going on and I'd hate for someone to feel unwanted.
2023...Let's do this I guess
Posted 3 years agoHeh, I have the same entry name as last year.
Just read over my goals from last year and let's see where I am at.
1. My first goal was to complete Genki 1 book. Didn't do much with it especially since August. I'll say more on that later. But I have been doing supplemental things and that has actually been helping and has been more portable. So overall, not where I wana be but making strides.
2. Keto diet. I smashed this goal. Got to around 190 lbs and stayed there consistently up until November. When holidays come, I want to be free to eat what I want and not have to worry so I will be doing it from now on. Granted now I am 207 but I will go on a diet soon and all will be well again.
3. Writing and map making. Yes and no. I actually have a group where they are going to be in my own personal setting so I am super excited about that. Not a whole lot of map making but some writing here and there getting the lore drawn out. Am excited for this group because it will be in a new style I haven't done before so neat!
Now for the year. Work took over the majority of Jan-March. Had to do upkeep on generators and do schooling on top of that. But then once that calmed down, my job would occasionally spring up every now and then enough to throw whatever it is I had out of whack. So not a lot of consistency done there which sucked for goal one and two.
Then August came.
Huh two years in a row. This is why we document things. So the beginning of August I sprained a muscle in my right shoulder and stopped working out for a while. Then I get this weird dream where my mother and I were singing Don't Fear the Reaper. Later that day I was informed that my grandmother had passed. I took two weeks to head up to my home town. Soon after I got back, I had a discussion with my ex-boyfriend where it ended with him needing time. Those three things happening in the course of a month and then September rolled around for new fun!
I was off on a job we thought was a week in a different part of the world when it was a month! Wahoo no laptops cause I thought it was a week and I wanted to wean off of electronics. Also during my time there, I got Covid so horray. It was like a bad flu so I told my job partner I was going to essentially die for two days. I was buring, having hallucinations and not eating for 2 days. After that I drank water and then worked my way to solid foods again. But at least the last weekish I was there, we managed to get in a resort so I started working out again. Also crossed off having a piña colada on a beach from my bucket list.
Then I head back and realized I had a lot of time on my hands and not at the same time. The months seem to fly by. I went off to my other family's house during Thanksgiving which is always a treat. Then I went to see my mother to make sure she was okay and to get things straightened out. HOW FORTUNATE that I would have an alternator that stopped working in the middle of Pennsylvania. For those who are unfamiliar, there is nothing in the mountains of PA. So I sat waiting for roadside assistance until I said F it and tore my car apart for the battery to jump start the thing. Made it back. Had a lot of repairs I needed for the car but it's good to drive.
Headed on over to a friend's apartment so we can make our way to MFF. Holy balls was MFF fun. Everything worked out. I got to see almost everyone I knew who was going to be there. It was a blast and you can bet your butt I'ma be there for 2023. I will also try and swing my way to FWA and Anthrocon so if you are going then hit me up. I just have to be sure about lodging.
After MFF I had a week long stint of depression where I was by myself. It's okay considering I was very happy to see family and friends. But then I drove to the airport to pick up my kids and finally I felt "whole" again.
Now I doubt a lot of people reading this knows what I mean and that is a good thing. There is something that is just "right" when you have your kids with you. I can't explain it but when I have them I am always happy, I am more motivated to do things, and I have omega patience.
But I had my kids for Christmas and my immediate family came down to have Christmas with me as well. It was soo good to have them all here and we did soo many good things. Heck on New Years the kids and I stayed up, watched the Times Square ball drop and drank sparkling grape juice like it was wine. It was a blast to have them.
But now I sit here writing this. Christmas decorations are gone; the kids are packed up and I have that familiar sense of depression. That brings me into a lovely segway into my goals for 2023.
1. I want to see a therapist. In my line of work, it used to be bad to want to see one. Hell it was/is kinda bad to be gay where I am at. But mental health is something I want to happen. I have been told I bounce back well but even I have to admit that I don't bounce back like I used to. I have people in my corner saying I deserve a lot yet here I am having to give up my kids and being alone. It sucks and its gotten to the point where my mind is bitter at the possibility of anything more and my heart wants desperately to connect when I know what will happen eventually so why bother. So I kind of want to talk to a professional about this. I feel like its been a long time coming but it'll have to wait until March because of my schedule for Jan-Feb.
2. I want to save $$. Now I have a goal in mind and yes it is a pretty substantial amount to save, especially on my salary. But I have a plan. I have a budget. And I can do what I need to do in order to save what I want to save and still make it to the cons I want to make it to.
3. Connect! I want to connect with people again. Only as friends for now but yeah! I have a very negative self view of myself and have taken strides last year to improve that. It has gotten better but how I dealt with people having problems with me in the past was just to remove myself from the situation so everyone could have fun without me. It was the easiest thing to do in my eyes. Lead to a very lonely life until certain friends forced me into groups. And it clicked during MFF, I don't know why there but whatever, that other people's problems they have of me are their problems. I can't control how others see me or what they assume about me and get wrong. In either case, it's not my responsibility to accommodate for everyone and honestly I'm not a doormat for others and I don't have the amount of fucks to give for that. So I have already started to reach out to others. I have involved myself in circles I want to be a part of despite some people feeling uncomfortable. Let me be clear that I do this not to purposefully annoy others but so I don't close out people who enjoy my time. I hope those that want to get a hold of me do. Hell my telegram is Fossilbrand. Do it nerd! I'm rooting for you. And if you have a problem with me then I hope you reach out so we can solve it.
Those are my three things I want to focus on. Now I'll be doing other things like expanding my tabletop rpg world and working out but these are 3 new things I want to do. If you made it this far then shoot all the more power to ya. Have fun, stay safe and drink water. Let's hope things turn out better this year than last.
Just read over my goals from last year and let's see where I am at.
1. My first goal was to complete Genki 1 book. Didn't do much with it especially since August. I'll say more on that later. But I have been doing supplemental things and that has actually been helping and has been more portable. So overall, not where I wana be but making strides.
2. Keto diet. I smashed this goal. Got to around 190 lbs and stayed there consistently up until November. When holidays come, I want to be free to eat what I want and not have to worry so I will be doing it from now on. Granted now I am 207 but I will go on a diet soon and all will be well again.
3. Writing and map making. Yes and no. I actually have a group where they are going to be in my own personal setting so I am super excited about that. Not a whole lot of map making but some writing here and there getting the lore drawn out. Am excited for this group because it will be in a new style I haven't done before so neat!
Now for the year. Work took over the majority of Jan-March. Had to do upkeep on generators and do schooling on top of that. But then once that calmed down, my job would occasionally spring up every now and then enough to throw whatever it is I had out of whack. So not a lot of consistency done there which sucked for goal one and two.
Then August came.
Huh two years in a row. This is why we document things. So the beginning of August I sprained a muscle in my right shoulder and stopped working out for a while. Then I get this weird dream where my mother and I were singing Don't Fear the Reaper. Later that day I was informed that my grandmother had passed. I took two weeks to head up to my home town. Soon after I got back, I had a discussion with my ex-boyfriend where it ended with him needing time. Those three things happening in the course of a month and then September rolled around for new fun!
I was off on a job we thought was a week in a different part of the world when it was a month! Wahoo no laptops cause I thought it was a week and I wanted to wean off of electronics. Also during my time there, I got Covid so horray. It was like a bad flu so I told my job partner I was going to essentially die for two days. I was buring, having hallucinations and not eating for 2 days. After that I drank water and then worked my way to solid foods again. But at least the last weekish I was there, we managed to get in a resort so I started working out again. Also crossed off having a piña colada on a beach from my bucket list.
Then I head back and realized I had a lot of time on my hands and not at the same time. The months seem to fly by. I went off to my other family's house during Thanksgiving which is always a treat. Then I went to see my mother to make sure she was okay and to get things straightened out. HOW FORTUNATE that I would have an alternator that stopped working in the middle of Pennsylvania. For those who are unfamiliar, there is nothing in the mountains of PA. So I sat waiting for roadside assistance until I said F it and tore my car apart for the battery to jump start the thing. Made it back. Had a lot of repairs I needed for the car but it's good to drive.
Headed on over to a friend's apartment so we can make our way to MFF. Holy balls was MFF fun. Everything worked out. I got to see almost everyone I knew who was going to be there. It was a blast and you can bet your butt I'ma be there for 2023. I will also try and swing my way to FWA and Anthrocon so if you are going then hit me up. I just have to be sure about lodging.
After MFF I had a week long stint of depression where I was by myself. It's okay considering I was very happy to see family and friends. But then I drove to the airport to pick up my kids and finally I felt "whole" again.
Now I doubt a lot of people reading this knows what I mean and that is a good thing. There is something that is just "right" when you have your kids with you. I can't explain it but when I have them I am always happy, I am more motivated to do things, and I have omega patience.
But I had my kids for Christmas and my immediate family came down to have Christmas with me as well. It was soo good to have them all here and we did soo many good things. Heck on New Years the kids and I stayed up, watched the Times Square ball drop and drank sparkling grape juice like it was wine. It was a blast to have them.
But now I sit here writing this. Christmas decorations are gone; the kids are packed up and I have that familiar sense of depression. That brings me into a lovely segway into my goals for 2023.
1. I want to see a therapist. In my line of work, it used to be bad to want to see one. Hell it was/is kinda bad to be gay where I am at. But mental health is something I want to happen. I have been told I bounce back well but even I have to admit that I don't bounce back like I used to. I have people in my corner saying I deserve a lot yet here I am having to give up my kids and being alone. It sucks and its gotten to the point where my mind is bitter at the possibility of anything more and my heart wants desperately to connect when I know what will happen eventually so why bother. So I kind of want to talk to a professional about this. I feel like its been a long time coming but it'll have to wait until March because of my schedule for Jan-Feb.
2. I want to save $$. Now I have a goal in mind and yes it is a pretty substantial amount to save, especially on my salary. But I have a plan. I have a budget. And I can do what I need to do in order to save what I want to save and still make it to the cons I want to make it to.
3. Connect! I want to connect with people again. Only as friends for now but yeah! I have a very negative self view of myself and have taken strides last year to improve that. It has gotten better but how I dealt with people having problems with me in the past was just to remove myself from the situation so everyone could have fun without me. It was the easiest thing to do in my eyes. Lead to a very lonely life until certain friends forced me into groups. And it clicked during MFF, I don't know why there but whatever, that other people's problems they have of me are their problems. I can't control how others see me or what they assume about me and get wrong. In either case, it's not my responsibility to accommodate for everyone and honestly I'm not a doormat for others and I don't have the amount of fucks to give for that. So I have already started to reach out to others. I have involved myself in circles I want to be a part of despite some people feeling uncomfortable. Let me be clear that I do this not to purposefully annoy others but so I don't close out people who enjoy my time. I hope those that want to get a hold of me do. Hell my telegram is Fossilbrand. Do it nerd! I'm rooting for you. And if you have a problem with me then I hope you reach out so we can solve it.
Those are my three things I want to focus on. Now I'll be doing other things like expanding my tabletop rpg world and working out but these are 3 new things I want to do. If you made it this far then shoot all the more power to ya. Have fun, stay safe and drink water. Let's hope things turn out better this year than last.
Labels
Posted 3 years agoI am Fossilbrand.
That is it. That is the label I wish to put on myself. I know that it may seem odd that I wish to label myself as such but it isn't that different from what we normally do. When you think of store, I bet you think of a commercial space that probably has their goods on shelves or racks to display their goods. It's only when we start adding more labels, do things become more and less complicated. There is a difference between going to a grocery store versus going to a clothing store given the type of goods they have, how they display their goods and the knowledge base of the people of that store. But no matter what a store is a store.
I've been thinking a lot about labels in the past few months. I've been thinking about how we label people we know and how our perception changes. For example, some people may think parents and think about a mom and dad. Some may think two moms, two dads or even just a singular person. Although admittedly it would be parent instead of parents but still. That changes how we view the world, our base assumptions within it and how we respond.
One of the sub labels I would put on myself as, is father or parent. I have kids who currently aren't with me. There could be a whole lot of debate as to whether or not I deserve the label of father or parent. That is dependant on individual's upbringing and interpretation of those labels.
But I digress from my point. Breaking away from the legitimacy of the label, I would label myself as such. What would you immediately assume or sub label about me? Distant? Kind? Mature? Responsible? Hard worker? Handy? It is going to be different from person to person.
Okay so we all think different things depending on our experiences, is there a point? Yes. I have had people treat me differently based on that label. I have had people be friendly to me because they were fellow dads. I've had people treat me with contempt because what kind of father isn't with his kids and the mother of said kids. I have had people who legitimately go UwU Daddy.
This is just one of the sub labels I identify as. There are a whole slew of labels I would put myself under and each one would illicit a different reaction. Some people tend to focus more on some labels than others. That lead to expectations not being communicated or met. And no it's not one person doing this. But I have noticed that it is people who don't take the time to fully understand me whether that be blind ignorance or second hand hearings from other people. I get this a lot and it is rather exhausting. So in addition to this rant, I challenge every, single, one of you readers out there to take a look at someone whether that be a friend or family member. Think and write down initial labels when you think about them. Question those labels through the actions they have done and the feelings they felt. Understand that it is but a small part of what makes them, them.
Think. Question. Understand. By doing these three things I believe we can expand our minds and allow our views to be fluid. For we are not stuck with a few labels that make us, us. I know I am not stuck in the few labels that some of you may think of, for me. But overall there is a method in my madness. There are things I do based on my past and current environment and there are certain labels I am to survive. But if I could possibly label myself to make it easy for someone who doesn't know me to understand who I am...
I am Fossilbrand.
That is it. That is the label I wish to put on myself. I know that it may seem odd that I wish to label myself as such but it isn't that different from what we normally do. When you think of store, I bet you think of a commercial space that probably has their goods on shelves or racks to display their goods. It's only when we start adding more labels, do things become more and less complicated. There is a difference between going to a grocery store versus going to a clothing store given the type of goods they have, how they display their goods and the knowledge base of the people of that store. But no matter what a store is a store.
I've been thinking a lot about labels in the past few months. I've been thinking about how we label people we know and how our perception changes. For example, some people may think parents and think about a mom and dad. Some may think two moms, two dads or even just a singular person. Although admittedly it would be parent instead of parents but still. That changes how we view the world, our base assumptions within it and how we respond.
One of the sub labels I would put on myself as, is father or parent. I have kids who currently aren't with me. There could be a whole lot of debate as to whether or not I deserve the label of father or parent. That is dependant on individual's upbringing and interpretation of those labels.
But I digress from my point. Breaking away from the legitimacy of the label, I would label myself as such. What would you immediately assume or sub label about me? Distant? Kind? Mature? Responsible? Hard worker? Handy? It is going to be different from person to person.
Okay so we all think different things depending on our experiences, is there a point? Yes. I have had people treat me differently based on that label. I have had people be friendly to me because they were fellow dads. I've had people treat me with contempt because what kind of father isn't with his kids and the mother of said kids. I have had people who legitimately go UwU Daddy.
This is just one of the sub labels I identify as. There are a whole slew of labels I would put myself under and each one would illicit a different reaction. Some people tend to focus more on some labels than others. That lead to expectations not being communicated or met. And no it's not one person doing this. But I have noticed that it is people who don't take the time to fully understand me whether that be blind ignorance or second hand hearings from other people. I get this a lot and it is rather exhausting. So in addition to this rant, I challenge every, single, one of you readers out there to take a look at someone whether that be a friend or family member. Think and write down initial labels when you think about them. Question those labels through the actions they have done and the feelings they felt. Understand that it is but a small part of what makes them, them.
Think. Question. Understand. By doing these three things I believe we can expand our minds and allow our views to be fluid. For we are not stuck with a few labels that make us, us. I know I am not stuck in the few labels that some of you may think of, for me. But overall there is a method in my madness. There are things I do based on my past and current environment and there are certain labels I am to survive. But if I could possibly label myself to make it easy for someone who doesn't know me to understand who I am...
I am Fossilbrand.
2022...Let's do this I guess
Posted 4 years agoThis is going to be my rant to vent and reflect. You have been warned.
So 2021...Honestly it wasn't a bad year for me. It started off me being in school learning a lot and bonding with friends I will have for a lifetime. I had kids every other weekend, I had time devoted for tabletops, I had decent workout times and schedules planned. I wasn't really affected by corona virus because omicron wasn't a thing, I did my shopping online so I go and they load it up for me and I was in the middle of nowhere. I got down to 195 lbs and I was rockin it.
Then August came.
August is when I graduated from my course. So my diet and healthy lifestyle got rough. My friends that I grew to care about became online. More importantly, my kids were now gone. I wouldn't have them every other weekend anymore and would hopefully have them for Christmas...fuck.
A wave of depression came and went but I looked on the bright side. I would enjoy the benefits that I could share with many people. I got to see my friends that I have always chatted with online and because of that, I met a really cool guy and well we're dating and figuring things out together. There is a lot more I can say but that is more of a private journal in itself so yeah. I'll wrap it up by saying I traveled around the east coast hanging with people I have always wanted to hang with. I wish I could have seen everyone but I chose people I had the most time with that I never saw so sorry if we didn't meet. It may have cost some friendships but despite how I may appear, I am a very shy individual.
So after visiting people for a month, I settle in North Carolina. Making plans for the up coming months and getting my house in order. Some of those plans included getting back into writing. I was so hyped and jazzed up for hypnovember that I had all of it planned out and how they were going to link up and it was going to be a choose your own adventure kinda thing. Was going to push some envelopes I have always wanted to do. Then there came that time and I had NO motivation to even start.
It could be the new stimuli and making my way up to a wedding but I had no motivation to not only write these stories but to write anything hypno related. Now this doesn't mean that I don't enjoy it or that I don't conduct a few sessions with certain people but I thought about why I don't want to put words on a screen for this kink anymore. I think I just have nothing to prove which isn't really a bad thing. I think I am an adequate writer. Yes I can improve but the things I want to expand on are characters in a setting which short stories can't give me. Not only that, I want interaction from other people on these characters. I don't want to write a script but rather make set pieces for my friends to interact with. Hell I have 3 Pathfinder 2e campaigns ready to go other than additional resources such as maps that I want to personally make. I have already cut myself off from the hypno fur community as far as chats go. Not many people follow my content for that. Not many friends I have recently surrounded myself with even care about that. They like me for me and I am grateful that I am back in a position where people aren't using me as a means to an end. So before I deviate from the original point any further, I can no longer see myself doing any hypno related stories. In fact if you see the majority of these stories just vanish, don't be surprised.
Thanksgiving was amazing. Spent the time with a good friend and, I guess, our family. Really couldn't ask for more. Meanwhile I was dealing with negotiations because the one week I have with my kids was being threatened because someone HAD to have the kids that Christmas week when I was scheduled for it. So yes another wave of depression there BUT SILVER LINING, we worked out that the 26th through the 1st I would have them. Not ideal but its better than nothing.
So before Christmas, there was a bunch of tornadoes that tore up the middle of the US. Guess where my ass was sent to help in the relief effort? I was soo excited to help out in any way that I could. It sucks that it had to come like this and I wish I wasn't called because if I have to go, its really messed up. And boy was it bad. They wanted us to stay until they were back up and running but we all know how funding goes so we spent a week there then came back in time for Christmas.
So Christmas rolls around and I spend the most lovely time with my pink wusky. Honestly I couldn't have imagined it going any better except maybe going to that burger bar one last time. But we both had to leave on the 26th. He left first. Another wave of depression. Short lived because I was going to see my kids...right?
Weeeeelll yes I did. The flight managed to make it in time for me to quickly snag kiddos, hug the ex and zoom on to the plane. The week went by fast to say the least. Then came New Years eve and how that set me up for a memorable 2022.
The kids stayed up late. I had 3 hours of sleep because people were talking outside my door. I had to gather my sleep deprived kids to the airport for a day of flights while they were understandably crying because we were leaving a place where they got the love and attention they deserved from my side of the family. But we made it to the drop off location on time. Then came the time to give them up. I waved bye as they passed through the TSA door and went to the ex. I saw my daughter crying, my son fumble out of a shoe and all three of them rounding that corner. The intercom gave out a deafening ring as it announced the local time of 2 PM. I made my way to the corner and lost it. There was no silver lining that I could look forward to. The last vestige of strength I had left with someone who cheated on me all those years ago taking the kids away...again... I was alone and in a place I would rather not be in and I lost it.
But I was in public. Can't have people asking an introvert if he's okay when he clearly isn't and clearly wants to go home. But wouldn't ya know it my flight gets delayed. Did I say delayed? I meant cancelled. So after talking and riding and sleeping and riding and waiting, I got on a different flight and made my way to get a rental cause FUCK NO I wasn't waiting another day to go home.
I turned in the rental, made my way home and was finally there in the aftermath of the holidays. No boyfriend, no kids, no mom. I didn't have anything to look forward to. That silver lining was clouded in a storm of depression as I slowly decompressed and put away Christmas decorations. It wasn't until a day later, as I shifted through my mail, that I came across something very important to me.
Kibawolf99 sent over a postcard with a personalized drawing on it. After reading the postcard, that dreary and cloudy demeanor I had, was pierced by a light of caring and generosity. It was then I found the motivation and community I was looking for. My friends that I have cultivated over the years that know who I am and still care about me and stick by me and want to see me succeed were still right there. They never left, just a little bit harder to reach. I have to do better for me and for them.
2022 started off as fighting wave of depression episodes. It wasn't until my friends reached out and showed that they cared that I picked myself up and am back to the hard working ass kicking machine. So what does this mean looking forward?
- Thanks to a lovely gift from
Kiba-kun I will be learning and completing Genki Vol 1. I will be studying Japanese. My goal is to complete the book by the end of the year while also completing supplimentary material. I think by itself it may be too much time but I have a lot of other things I want to do like...
- Thanks to the amazing support of another one of my friends, I will be doing a keto diet with him and we will work on losing some weight. My goal is to get back down to 195lbs at a minimum. Hopefully 180 lbs would be max expectation but realistically 190 lbs would be my goal. I have tons of workout equipment to help facilitate gains while I do this.
- I will be writing and map making. I want my personal campaigns to pick themselves off but I need a world to let these stories breathe in. I have no goals set for this and I honestly expect this to fail because of it but I will see what I can do.
Those are the three main things I hope to accomplish. I don't have any aspirations to do any short hypno stories so yeah. Sorry kink lovers. If you stuck around until the end, I really do appreciate you for doing so. If not then I don't blame you for not going down the rabbit hole of a deranged man. But this is something I wanted off my chest for a while and things are settling so its time I do so. Thank you wonderful people because without you, who knows where I would have been.
So 2021...Honestly it wasn't a bad year for me. It started off me being in school learning a lot and bonding with friends I will have for a lifetime. I had kids every other weekend, I had time devoted for tabletops, I had decent workout times and schedules planned. I wasn't really affected by corona virus because omicron wasn't a thing, I did my shopping online so I go and they load it up for me and I was in the middle of nowhere. I got down to 195 lbs and I was rockin it.
Then August came.
August is when I graduated from my course. So my diet and healthy lifestyle got rough. My friends that I grew to care about became online. More importantly, my kids were now gone. I wouldn't have them every other weekend anymore and would hopefully have them for Christmas...fuck.
A wave of depression came and went but I looked on the bright side. I would enjoy the benefits that I could share with many people. I got to see my friends that I have always chatted with online and because of that, I met a really cool guy and well we're dating and figuring things out together. There is a lot more I can say but that is more of a private journal in itself so yeah. I'll wrap it up by saying I traveled around the east coast hanging with people I have always wanted to hang with. I wish I could have seen everyone but I chose people I had the most time with that I never saw so sorry if we didn't meet. It may have cost some friendships but despite how I may appear, I am a very shy individual.
So after visiting people for a month, I settle in North Carolina. Making plans for the up coming months and getting my house in order. Some of those plans included getting back into writing. I was so hyped and jazzed up for hypnovember that I had all of it planned out and how they were going to link up and it was going to be a choose your own adventure kinda thing. Was going to push some envelopes I have always wanted to do. Then there came that time and I had NO motivation to even start.
It could be the new stimuli and making my way up to a wedding but I had no motivation to not only write these stories but to write anything hypno related. Now this doesn't mean that I don't enjoy it or that I don't conduct a few sessions with certain people but I thought about why I don't want to put words on a screen for this kink anymore. I think I just have nothing to prove which isn't really a bad thing. I think I am an adequate writer. Yes I can improve but the things I want to expand on are characters in a setting which short stories can't give me. Not only that, I want interaction from other people on these characters. I don't want to write a script but rather make set pieces for my friends to interact with. Hell I have 3 Pathfinder 2e campaigns ready to go other than additional resources such as maps that I want to personally make. I have already cut myself off from the hypno fur community as far as chats go. Not many people follow my content for that. Not many friends I have recently surrounded myself with even care about that. They like me for me and I am grateful that I am back in a position where people aren't using me as a means to an end. So before I deviate from the original point any further, I can no longer see myself doing any hypno related stories. In fact if you see the majority of these stories just vanish, don't be surprised.
Thanksgiving was amazing. Spent the time with a good friend and, I guess, our family. Really couldn't ask for more. Meanwhile I was dealing with negotiations because the one week I have with my kids was being threatened because someone HAD to have the kids that Christmas week when I was scheduled for it. So yes another wave of depression there BUT SILVER LINING, we worked out that the 26th through the 1st I would have them. Not ideal but its better than nothing.
So before Christmas, there was a bunch of tornadoes that tore up the middle of the US. Guess where my ass was sent to help in the relief effort? I was soo excited to help out in any way that I could. It sucks that it had to come like this and I wish I wasn't called because if I have to go, its really messed up. And boy was it bad. They wanted us to stay until they were back up and running but we all know how funding goes so we spent a week there then came back in time for Christmas.
So Christmas rolls around and I spend the most lovely time with my pink wusky. Honestly I couldn't have imagined it going any better except maybe going to that burger bar one last time. But we both had to leave on the 26th. He left first. Another wave of depression. Short lived because I was going to see my kids...right?
Weeeeelll yes I did. The flight managed to make it in time for me to quickly snag kiddos, hug the ex and zoom on to the plane. The week went by fast to say the least. Then came New Years eve and how that set me up for a memorable 2022.
The kids stayed up late. I had 3 hours of sleep because people were talking outside my door. I had to gather my sleep deprived kids to the airport for a day of flights while they were understandably crying because we were leaving a place where they got the love and attention they deserved from my side of the family. But we made it to the drop off location on time. Then came the time to give them up. I waved bye as they passed through the TSA door and went to the ex. I saw my daughter crying, my son fumble out of a shoe and all three of them rounding that corner. The intercom gave out a deafening ring as it announced the local time of 2 PM. I made my way to the corner and lost it. There was no silver lining that I could look forward to. The last vestige of strength I had left with someone who cheated on me all those years ago taking the kids away...again... I was alone and in a place I would rather not be in and I lost it.
But I was in public. Can't have people asking an introvert if he's okay when he clearly isn't and clearly wants to go home. But wouldn't ya know it my flight gets delayed. Did I say delayed? I meant cancelled. So after talking and riding and sleeping and riding and waiting, I got on a different flight and made my way to get a rental cause FUCK NO I wasn't waiting another day to go home.
I turned in the rental, made my way home and was finally there in the aftermath of the holidays. No boyfriend, no kids, no mom. I didn't have anything to look forward to. That silver lining was clouded in a storm of depression as I slowly decompressed and put away Christmas decorations. It wasn't until a day later, as I shifted through my mail, that I came across something very important to me.
Kibawolf99 sent over a postcard with a personalized drawing on it. After reading the postcard, that dreary and cloudy demeanor I had, was pierced by a light of caring and generosity. It was then I found the motivation and community I was looking for. My friends that I have cultivated over the years that know who I am and still care about me and stick by me and want to see me succeed were still right there. They never left, just a little bit harder to reach. I have to do better for me and for them.2022 started off as fighting wave of depression episodes. It wasn't until my friends reached out and showed that they cared that I picked myself up and am back to the hard working ass kicking machine. So what does this mean looking forward?
- Thanks to a lovely gift from
Kiba-kun I will be learning and completing Genki Vol 1. I will be studying Japanese. My goal is to complete the book by the end of the year while also completing supplimentary material. I think by itself it may be too much time but I have a lot of other things I want to do like...- Thanks to the amazing support of another one of my friends, I will be doing a keto diet with him and we will work on losing some weight. My goal is to get back down to 195lbs at a minimum. Hopefully 180 lbs would be max expectation but realistically 190 lbs would be my goal. I have tons of workout equipment to help facilitate gains while I do this.
- I will be writing and map making. I want my personal campaigns to pick themselves off but I need a world to let these stories breathe in. I have no goals set for this and I honestly expect this to fail because of it but I will see what I can do.
Those are the three main things I hope to accomplish. I don't have any aspirations to do any short hypno stories so yeah. Sorry kink lovers. If you stuck around until the end, I really do appreciate you for doing so. If not then I don't blame you for not going down the rabbit hole of a deranged man. But this is something I wanted off my chest for a while and things are settling so its time I do so. Thank you wonderful people because without you, who knows where I would have been.
Just need to vent...
Posted 4 years agoIts almost here. About a year ago I made a decision that was based on a decision someone else made for me years before that. Now those decisions are coming to pass and I am split right down the middle of fucking excited and extremely depressed.
I am a dad. That will be first and foremost. Even then I get caught up by some people who don't know me claiming that I am abandoning my kids. Claiming that I put my job before my kids and how raising them should be my number one priority. Sad part is, I get it. Part of me does feel like I should do as much as I can for my kids. Part of me still feels like going into debt to pay off lawyers in a court system heavily against fathers. Part of me wishes I could fight and try to get my kids back. I want them back but now, is that really what is best for them?
They have been with their mother now for a while. She is married to someone who I used to manage (yes it is what you think it is) and the kids called him dad before they even got hitched. I feel like I have been used for years and then replaced. Part of me feels her manipulation has made it so that when I go, that will be the last I get to see my kids.
I feel like I am abandoning them. I feel horrible. I feel like I have become the monster if not worse than what my ex did to me during and following our marriage. Who the fuck abandons their kids to someone who screws behind their partner's back, turns the entire social circle they had against the father of those kids and someone who steals money from the kids?
And yet, these things aren't life ending. These things may be what the kids can see and grow up noticing and not doing. Hopefully being less naive then I was and possibly still am to some extent.
And yet, I have to look after my own happiness to. I have to do things for me to. I cannot leave my well-being in the hands of kids. Its not right. Too much responsibility for the young ones. But in order for me to provide for them, I have to go. I have to leave. Am I really abandoning them if I am working in the background to make sure shit happens?
These are the constant thoughts in my head and with work coming to a close in one area and opening up states away, I have to follow it. I have no choice. Its good for my career. Its good to be around individuals like me. Its good so that I can provide for the kids when they get older.
But when I do leave, I'm going to have to work with a woman who would rather see me a vegetable and keep sucking dry like a parasite who survives of my blood. I'm not going to see them. I forsee her breaking more rules of our signed agreement. This is the future I am walking in to.
So if you made it here then let me say, I am sorry. I will be acting funny for a while longer. And if I seem distant, please don't take it personally. I process better alone. I'm used to it and I am a people pleaser at heart so I want to live up to the expectation I think you have of me rather than show my true self. That is a stress I would much rather not face at the moment and no one can stop it right now. Is what it is.
I want to thank my friends who have given me time. I want to thank those with the patience who have given me time. And I thank those that give a boop and still check in that I am alive. I am not okay. But I will survive and I will be around those who will help me through this.
So in no particular order...
My brother Necker
The one who got out Nate
My dungeon crawling friend Toby
Sweet streamer https://twitch.tv/monstershenanigans AKA Drai
Always inclusive Rowann
That darn stormdragon Rithzarian
Ever-so-sweet Kiba
Again there are others who help me out but these guys would probably see this and I feel like I give them the most amount of baggage.
Finally my favorite four letter word I keep repeating more often...fuck.
I am a dad. That will be first and foremost. Even then I get caught up by some people who don't know me claiming that I am abandoning my kids. Claiming that I put my job before my kids and how raising them should be my number one priority. Sad part is, I get it. Part of me does feel like I should do as much as I can for my kids. Part of me still feels like going into debt to pay off lawyers in a court system heavily against fathers. Part of me wishes I could fight and try to get my kids back. I want them back but now, is that really what is best for them?
They have been with their mother now for a while. She is married to someone who I used to manage (yes it is what you think it is) and the kids called him dad before they even got hitched. I feel like I have been used for years and then replaced. Part of me feels her manipulation has made it so that when I go, that will be the last I get to see my kids.
I feel like I am abandoning them. I feel horrible. I feel like I have become the monster if not worse than what my ex did to me during and following our marriage. Who the fuck abandons their kids to someone who screws behind their partner's back, turns the entire social circle they had against the father of those kids and someone who steals money from the kids?
And yet, these things aren't life ending. These things may be what the kids can see and grow up noticing and not doing. Hopefully being less naive then I was and possibly still am to some extent.
And yet, I have to look after my own happiness to. I have to do things for me to. I cannot leave my well-being in the hands of kids. Its not right. Too much responsibility for the young ones. But in order for me to provide for them, I have to go. I have to leave. Am I really abandoning them if I am working in the background to make sure shit happens?
These are the constant thoughts in my head and with work coming to a close in one area and opening up states away, I have to follow it. I have no choice. Its good for my career. Its good to be around individuals like me. Its good so that I can provide for the kids when they get older.
But when I do leave, I'm going to have to work with a woman who would rather see me a vegetable and keep sucking dry like a parasite who survives of my blood. I'm not going to see them. I forsee her breaking more rules of our signed agreement. This is the future I am walking in to.
So if you made it here then let me say, I am sorry. I will be acting funny for a while longer. And if I seem distant, please don't take it personally. I process better alone. I'm used to it and I am a people pleaser at heart so I want to live up to the expectation I think you have of me rather than show my true self. That is a stress I would much rather not face at the moment and no one can stop it right now. Is what it is.
I want to thank my friends who have given me time. I want to thank those with the patience who have given me time. And I thank those that give a boop and still check in that I am alive. I am not okay. But I will survive and I will be around those who will help me through this.
So in no particular order...
My brother Necker
The one who got out Nate
My dungeon crawling friend Toby
Sweet streamer https://twitch.tv/monstershenanigans AKA Drai
Always inclusive Rowann
That darn stormdragon Rithzarian
Ever-so-sweet Kiba
Again there are others who help me out but these guys would probably see this and I feel like I give them the most amount of baggage.
Finally my favorite four letter word I keep repeating more often...fuck.
Where have I been?
Posted 5 years agoI have been taking an absent from my writing. Sorry for all those that have seen my smut and wanted more. I have gone more into D&D and filling out that role. I have wanted to create stories that enhance the enjoyment of my players as well as introduce new players to the wonderful world of D&D or Pathfinder. So as far as creative energies go, Its been primarily focused on that.
As far as life well my work schedule has been keeping me very busy. Life has been knocking me around and well I don't have much of an outlet other than roleplaying games and getting lost in THAT world I create. But I am acknowledging that I am distancing myself again so I am fixing that. I also acknowledge that my stories have taken a back seat and some people actually want more of those stories from me. Around November time my schedule should start clearing. December should be easy on my schedule. Then January it pucks back up.
We shall see but yeah I am not dead. Feel free to hit me up if you want or need anything. I will try to help or point you to someone who can. Thanks and take care.
As far as life well my work schedule has been keeping me very busy. Life has been knocking me around and well I don't have much of an outlet other than roleplaying games and getting lost in THAT world I create. But I am acknowledging that I am distancing myself again so I am fixing that. I also acknowledge that my stories have taken a back seat and some people actually want more of those stories from me. Around November time my schedule should start clearing. December should be easy on my schedule. Then January it pucks back up.
We shall see but yeah I am not dead. Feel free to hit me up if you want or need anything. I will try to help or point you to someone who can. Thanks and take care.
Yo Check This Stuff Out
Posted 5 years agoHey kids, do you like long body pillows? Do you want something to cuddle and nuzzle at night? Well look no further than 
TheRoguez
Do you like yotes? Do you like more than one yote thus making it plural calling it TWO YOTES. Brote, you need to get one of these bryote pillows bruuuhhhh. I mean come on, YOU CAN PET ITS BELLEH! How asfsdhdgsbsbsgsfsv-ing adorable is that!
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/36533544/
Still want a body pillow but something a tad more foxy? Well yippers they got you covered to with their fox-fox body pillow! This hound is sure to stick around now that you have TWO foxes. Thatcs like one more than you want. Ha! Don't worry, these foxes don't need sockes to be stacked on boxes juggling rockes in order to keep you happy. Did I overstretch that last line? Maybe but I'm not being sneaky with this deal that is sure to put a gigantic smile on your face.
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/36533517/
In all honesty I love how rayj pushes the boundaries of an artist and constantly strives for new and innovative ways to perfect her craft. Try catching one of their streams on twitch and tell your friends. Thank you for your time.
TheRoguezDo you like yotes? Do you like more than one yote thus making it plural calling it TWO YOTES. Brote, you need to get one of these bryote pillows bruuuhhhh. I mean come on, YOU CAN PET ITS BELLEH! How asfsdhdgsbsbsgsfsv-ing adorable is that!
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/36533544/
Still want a body pillow but something a tad more foxy? Well yippers they got you covered to with their fox-fox body pillow! This hound is sure to stick around now that you have TWO foxes. Thatcs like one more than you want. Ha! Don't worry, these foxes don't need sockes to be stacked on boxes juggling rockes in order to keep you happy. Did I overstretch that last line? Maybe but I'm not being sneaky with this deal that is sure to put a gigantic smile on your face.
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/36533517/
In all honesty I love how rayj pushes the boundaries of an artist and constantly strives for new and innovative ways to perfect her craft. Try catching one of their streams on twitch and tell your friends. Thank you for your time.
PSA Take Care of Yourself
Posted 5 years agoFirst thing is first. I have had family over here and now they have gone. So I am a Fossil without too much distractions.
(What about Doom?)
Okay well I wont have too many distractions for...3 days. Seems legit right? Anyway I have a few ideas I think people will find hot so I aim to try to put it on a word document and send that to the masses.
Next thing I wanted to touch on is this piece right here. Ever since I have made some cuts to my life, things have been peaceful. I haven't felt like I was being used or didn't feel like I was in a place where I didn't belong or there wasn't innate hostility. In the end this lead me to focus more on me and figure some things out in my life.
Over the past 4 years I have been dealing with issues of love. My past experience on the matter is shaky at best. Honestly I'm glad people stopped coming to me for advice because I felt like my own experiences were crap anyway. I went from having my own family to just flat out not having anyone around me. I will acknowledge that I have ignored a lot of warning signs that signaled something serious. I have tried to engage in talks or counseling that was either redirected or flat out denied. In the end I couldn't prevent the inevitable. A lot of people were hurt and I think I was someone who was hurt a lot.
There were days I would be a zombie. I dove headfirst into my work and stayed in my corner of the room compiling reports and sending them to my supervisor. If he needed anyone to stay late, then I would happily do so. All so I didn't have to go back to the torment of a silent home. Speaking of which, silence which was something I sought after for and found comfort in, quickly turned and became something I detested. All those little feet trotting around wanting to play with their dad after a hard day of work became a normalcy for me.
But I am no saint and during the ending course of my relationship, there was another that was sparked. I can't really go into detail on this one because I have to respect that privacy but after meditating on the matter I think I have done more harm than good. What was supposed to be a D/S relationship became more. But personal life was another matter. I believe I was the start of personal pain and problems that escalated to the point where we were actively pushing each other away when we just wanted to be closer. So if that person is reading right now, I'm sorry. There were moments I was down right unfair and I'll own up to it. I don't see a way things could get better. We both said and have done too many things and we are vastly different now.
So where am I at now? Am I considering hurting myself or anything like that? What was the point in all this? Well, despite how depressing this entry got, I am actually alright. I got a good thing going on and I think I am going to just be fine with being single and lonely for a while. Although I am planning on getting a dog soon so we shall see. I am also not going to hurt myself. Shoot my ego is far to high for that stuff. The point to all this? Well to share my life experience so that others can take what they can and use it to better their own self. I can write and make up stories all day long but in the end it is the real experience that can make us think and self-reflect. I don't see to much of self-reflection happening now. Eve more-so, admitting to one's fault. But I do want to go ahead and talk to someone later one when my move is settled. I do want to continue to talk to someone while I consistently move. Someone professional and stable that can tell me when I am being a dumbass cause if you know me for more than 5 minutes then you know I need it.
Welp, stay safe and put one foot in front of the other. Peace.
(What about Doom?)
Okay well I wont have too many distractions for...3 days. Seems legit right? Anyway I have a few ideas I think people will find hot so I aim to try to put it on a word document and send that to the masses.
Next thing I wanted to touch on is this piece right here. Ever since I have made some cuts to my life, things have been peaceful. I haven't felt like I was being used or didn't feel like I was in a place where I didn't belong or there wasn't innate hostility. In the end this lead me to focus more on me and figure some things out in my life.
Over the past 4 years I have been dealing with issues of love. My past experience on the matter is shaky at best. Honestly I'm glad people stopped coming to me for advice because I felt like my own experiences were crap anyway. I went from having my own family to just flat out not having anyone around me. I will acknowledge that I have ignored a lot of warning signs that signaled something serious. I have tried to engage in talks or counseling that was either redirected or flat out denied. In the end I couldn't prevent the inevitable. A lot of people were hurt and I think I was someone who was hurt a lot.
There were days I would be a zombie. I dove headfirst into my work and stayed in my corner of the room compiling reports and sending them to my supervisor. If he needed anyone to stay late, then I would happily do so. All so I didn't have to go back to the torment of a silent home. Speaking of which, silence which was something I sought after for and found comfort in, quickly turned and became something I detested. All those little feet trotting around wanting to play with their dad after a hard day of work became a normalcy for me.
But I am no saint and during the ending course of my relationship, there was another that was sparked. I can't really go into detail on this one because I have to respect that privacy but after meditating on the matter I think I have done more harm than good. What was supposed to be a D/S relationship became more. But personal life was another matter. I believe I was the start of personal pain and problems that escalated to the point where we were actively pushing each other away when we just wanted to be closer. So if that person is reading right now, I'm sorry. There were moments I was down right unfair and I'll own up to it. I don't see a way things could get better. We both said and have done too many things and we are vastly different now.
So where am I at now? Am I considering hurting myself or anything like that? What was the point in all this? Well, despite how depressing this entry got, I am actually alright. I got a good thing going on and I think I am going to just be fine with being single and lonely for a while. Although I am planning on getting a dog soon so we shall see. I am also not going to hurt myself. Shoot my ego is far to high for that stuff. The point to all this? Well to share my life experience so that others can take what they can and use it to better their own self. I can write and make up stories all day long but in the end it is the real experience that can make us think and self-reflect. I don't see to much of self-reflection happening now. Eve more-so, admitting to one's fault. But I do want to go ahead and talk to someone later one when my move is settled. I do want to continue to talk to someone while I consistently move. Someone professional and stable that can tell me when I am being a dumbass cause if you know me for more than 5 minutes then you know I need it.
Welp, stay safe and put one foot in front of the other. Peace.
Update!
Posted 5 years agoWow this Furaffinity is something else huh?
Anyway welcome everyone to an update. Now there has been a larger gap than usual due to many reasons.
- Dealing with certain aspect of my social life.
- Dealing with certain people in my real life.
- Making plans for a big move.
- Continuing getting over a sickness.
- Wolcen
- Starting back up with hypnosis sessions.
- Car accident.
Yeah so a lot of ground to cover. So the social aspects I wont get into too much detail except that I am managing / cutting out those that aren't fitting with my current lifestyle / philosophy. I believe that you can tell a lot about someone by who they choose to hang out with. By examining that part of my life I have made moves to better align myself more closely with my ideals. Not to say those I have distanced myself from are bad people but rather a necessary step in order for me to accomplish my goals. Then again there are others I can't get rid of no matter how badly I want to. So with that its about limiting exposure as much as I can. Granted that's more irl but it does have an effect on my writing because depression or anxiousness does not equal productivity. Of course with all this going on my door is always open for those that want my help. I will never turn someone down in need.
So that covers the first two things. The next is a big move that will happen in April. I am switching things up and thus require a move to a different state. It is what it is. I just have to catalogue everything for the movers and find out what I am keeping / throwing away. Its a lot more time consuming than I though and is leading me towards a more minimalistic lifestyle.
Sickness. Yes I have been sick for about 3 weeks now. It started with coughing flem but that wasn't much until week three where I felt way more exhausted and started getting congested. Every time I go to the clinic they are too busy with an appointment and prescribe me pills and send me on my way. So in good ol' Fossil fashion I don't take pills and proceed to throw up at work making them send me home. I will get rest one way or another darn it!
Wolcen! Its a good game, bit buggy but I find it strangely addicting. Its been a pull inside of my kind to complete for a bit and I am slowly doing that when I can. Obviously this takes away from story time. Sorry guys.
Hypno sessions. Yeah I'm doing those again. Text sessions mostly but I have been starting back up.
Finally car accident. So I have recently gotten myself in a bit of a wreck. No one is hurt but that's just more things to set up and prepare for. Luckily I have managed my finances to where it should not be an issue.
So yeah those are the major things in my life preventing story time. But I have been working on the third chapter "Going to the Interview" I'm about 2/3 into the story. After that comes the drafts upon drafts upon drafts of work before I ship it out. It was something I did in my last one that I believe set it apart from my other stories so that will be continuing. I have also been getting advice from
lmann so feel free to check out his writing as well.
If you made it to the end then thank you. Feel free to check out some SFW Fossil art at
Wholesomebrand See you guys in the next installment.
Anyway welcome everyone to an update. Now there has been a larger gap than usual due to many reasons.
- Dealing with certain aspect of my social life.
- Dealing with certain people in my real life.
- Making plans for a big move.
- Continuing getting over a sickness.
- Wolcen
- Starting back up with hypnosis sessions.
- Car accident.
Yeah so a lot of ground to cover. So the social aspects I wont get into too much detail except that I am managing / cutting out those that aren't fitting with my current lifestyle / philosophy. I believe that you can tell a lot about someone by who they choose to hang out with. By examining that part of my life I have made moves to better align myself more closely with my ideals. Not to say those I have distanced myself from are bad people but rather a necessary step in order for me to accomplish my goals. Then again there are others I can't get rid of no matter how badly I want to. So with that its about limiting exposure as much as I can. Granted that's more irl but it does have an effect on my writing because depression or anxiousness does not equal productivity. Of course with all this going on my door is always open for those that want my help. I will never turn someone down in need.
So that covers the first two things. The next is a big move that will happen in April. I am switching things up and thus require a move to a different state. It is what it is. I just have to catalogue everything for the movers and find out what I am keeping / throwing away. Its a lot more time consuming than I though and is leading me towards a more minimalistic lifestyle.
Sickness. Yes I have been sick for about 3 weeks now. It started with coughing flem but that wasn't much until week three where I felt way more exhausted and started getting congested. Every time I go to the clinic they are too busy with an appointment and prescribe me pills and send me on my way. So in good ol' Fossil fashion I don't take pills and proceed to throw up at work making them send me home. I will get rest one way or another darn it!
Wolcen! Its a good game, bit buggy but I find it strangely addicting. Its been a pull inside of my kind to complete for a bit and I am slowly doing that when I can. Obviously this takes away from story time. Sorry guys.
Hypno sessions. Yeah I'm doing those again. Text sessions mostly but I have been starting back up.
Finally car accident. So I have recently gotten myself in a bit of a wreck. No one is hurt but that's just more things to set up and prepare for. Luckily I have managed my finances to where it should not be an issue.
So yeah those are the major things in my life preventing story time. But I have been working on the third chapter "Going to the Interview" I'm about 2/3 into the story. After that comes the drafts upon drafts upon drafts of work before I ship it out. It was something I did in my last one that I believe set it apart from my other stories so that will be continuing. I have also been getting advice from
lmann so feel free to check out his writing as well. If you made it to the end then thank you. Feel free to check out some SFW Fossil art at
Wholesomebrand See you guys in the next installment.New Year New Me
Posted 6 years agoYeah yeah yeah. We all heard this phrase before but this year is planned to be exciting and interesting. I want to write more and I think I will get a chance at doing so. Hell I just knocked this one out and hopefully I can see at least 2 more stories continuing on with this. But with my writing I want to go ahead and actually continue with some chapters instead of leaving it so damn ambiguous that your mind fills in the blanks for this lazy writer.
I've also have had a lot of things on my mind. Some of you may have followed that my life took a big change a couple of grueling years ago. I am climbing out of that hole and into the arms of some of the most supportive people that I have had the pleasure of knowing. I want to go ahead and be someone who is just as supportive as my rock I have supporting me. Sometimes it will be hard but I will do my best and hopefully that is enough. Until then I am still working on my own emotional shit and writing smut I hope you all enjoy.
Oh and pay attention to _Wholesomebrand I should be having SFW stuff going up there shortly...Hopefully. At least once every other monthish.
Also my format will be changing to try and see what I like and what I don't like from the new system FA has in place. We shall see. Input is welcomed.
I've also have had a lot of things on my mind. Some of you may have followed that my life took a big change a couple of grueling years ago. I am climbing out of that hole and into the arms of some of the most supportive people that I have had the pleasure of knowing. I want to go ahead and be someone who is just as supportive as my rock I have supporting me. Sometimes it will be hard but I will do my best and hopefully that is enough. Until then I am still working on my own emotional shit and writing smut I hope you all enjoy.
Oh and pay attention to
_Wholesomebrand I should be having SFW stuff going up there shortly...Hopefully. At least once every other monthish. Also my format will be changing to try and see what I like and what I don't like from the new system FA has in place. We shall see. Input is welcomed.
Tis the Season to Help a Brother Out
Posted 6 years agohttp://www.furaffinity.net/journal/...../#cid:56648078
Here is the journal entry for
RileySockfoxy
Here is an artist trying to get on his feet. If you or someone else are looking for commissions then please consider them. They seem really motivated to work with you and get pieces done. If you cannot buy anything then please spread the information around. It could help someone else.
Thank you for your consideration and time.
Here is the journal entry for
RileySockfoxyHere is an artist trying to get on his feet. If you or someone else are looking for commissions then please consider them. They seem really motivated to work with you and get pieces done. If you cannot buy anything then please spread the information around. It could help someone else.
Thank you for your consideration and time.
Hey 2019...
Posted 6 years agoSo in my last journal I said that 2019 is a time to forge myself to become a stronger person. With that I have been slowly building in the background. My family life has gotten more manageable. I wish things were different but life isn't always fair so I have to adapt to it and make it my own.
During that time of building I have also decided to revamp Fossilbrand to actually suit more of the real me. Now I have this artwork on a different SFW page. Link will be down below. I like the new overall design. I wanted to incorporate a more autumn design. I like the fall as my favorite season and I really wanted something to accentuate the colors of forest green so that was that. I also didn't want to throw away Fossilbrand so I made tweaks to his design. And now we get to the major thing, the loss of the purple chest floof.
So there was this tist I got close with and we developed an interesting history. Unfortunately i was in a prior relationship. But I still wanted to let him know that he was important to me so I got the purple on my chest to signify that. Over the years we have famously had our ups and downs. But after a failed relationship and the many tries we both had, we are both at a point now where we are happy enough not to be involved with the other person. I'd like to think that he was the smarter one in that regard for coming to that conclusion first but I honestly wouldn't know.
So I ditched the purple chest floof and made the design off of Fossilbrand to more of what I want him to be to represent more of me. And because he will be representing more of me, he will NOT be appearing in any NSFW content. I would like it if I can be presentable for ALL to see because why have something if only a certain few can see. So I really want that to be readily accessible. So if you want more Fossil and have it SFW then hit up the other page at https://www.furaffinity.net/users/wholesomebrand/
During that time of building I have also decided to revamp Fossilbrand to actually suit more of the real me. Now I have this artwork on a different SFW page. Link will be down below. I like the new overall design. I wanted to incorporate a more autumn design. I like the fall as my favorite season and I really wanted something to accentuate the colors of forest green so that was that. I also didn't want to throw away Fossilbrand so I made tweaks to his design. And now we get to the major thing, the loss of the purple chest floof.
So there was this tist I got close with and we developed an interesting history. Unfortunately i was in a prior relationship. But I still wanted to let him know that he was important to me so I got the purple on my chest to signify that. Over the years we have famously had our ups and downs. But after a failed relationship and the many tries we both had, we are both at a point now where we are happy enough not to be involved with the other person. I'd like to think that he was the smarter one in that regard for coming to that conclusion first but I honestly wouldn't know.
So I ditched the purple chest floof and made the design off of Fossilbrand to more of what I want him to be to represent more of me. And because he will be representing more of me, he will NOT be appearing in any NSFW content. I would like it if I can be presentable for ALL to see because why have something if only a certain few can see. So I really want that to be readily accessible. So if you want more Fossil and have it SFW then hit up the other page at https://www.furaffinity.net/users/wholesomebrand/
At Peace
Posted 7 years agoGreetings everyone. Allow me to vent here.
Basic rundown, 2018 was a mess. I lost a family I had grown due to my partner falling in love with a fuck buddy and the eventually taking my family to go live with this someone. Lots of feelings, lots of emotions and a lot of time I can never have or get back. In the meantime I reached out and realized my network was strong enough to get me through this depressing part of my life.
So yeah Foss, 2018 was the year of destruction, the year of ending, the year that life bitch smacked me into a new reality. But there's one thing you should know about me. I don't stay down for long. Fuck there were days I was soo depressed and soo out of it that I felt nothing. What do you wana do? Silence. What do you feel like eating? Silence. Do you want to hang with friends? Silence. But I always put one foot in front of the other. I always took that step forward. Because of that and the people around me, I survived.
Now when I realized that I was being played, bet your ass I put myself as a player on this board. I made sure to set myself up so that everyone would know what a vile creature I was with. But all good things come with time and so I must wait.
After such a traumatic experience, I had a bunch of lingering questions in my head: especially considering that of my sexuality and what ifs. I'm glad to say those questions are answered and I remain friends with some very cool people. I may have lost a few but there is no harm in that. Sometimes even cool dudes can have nothing in it for them but it doesn't mean they aren't cool dudes.
The whole point of this post is that 2018 was a very, very bad year for me. For the first time in years I feel at peace with my mind. I'm not heavily thirsting after companionship, I'm not as depressed as I used to be and I feel more calm in my mind than anything else. 2018 may have been the year of destruction but 2019 will be the year I forge myself as a stronger person thanks to those I have around me. Thanks guys. You continue to make me a better person.
Basic rundown, 2018 was a mess. I lost a family I had grown due to my partner falling in love with a fuck buddy and the eventually taking my family to go live with this someone. Lots of feelings, lots of emotions and a lot of time I can never have or get back. In the meantime I reached out and realized my network was strong enough to get me through this depressing part of my life.
So yeah Foss, 2018 was the year of destruction, the year of ending, the year that life bitch smacked me into a new reality. But there's one thing you should know about me. I don't stay down for long. Fuck there were days I was soo depressed and soo out of it that I felt nothing. What do you wana do? Silence. What do you feel like eating? Silence. Do you want to hang with friends? Silence. But I always put one foot in front of the other. I always took that step forward. Because of that and the people around me, I survived.
Now when I realized that I was being played, bet your ass I put myself as a player on this board. I made sure to set myself up so that everyone would know what a vile creature I was with. But all good things come with time and so I must wait.
After such a traumatic experience, I had a bunch of lingering questions in my head: especially considering that of my sexuality and what ifs. I'm glad to say those questions are answered and I remain friends with some very cool people. I may have lost a few but there is no harm in that. Sometimes even cool dudes can have nothing in it for them but it doesn't mean they aren't cool dudes.
The whole point of this post is that 2018 was a very, very bad year for me. For the first time in years I feel at peace with my mind. I'm not heavily thirsting after companionship, I'm not as depressed as I used to be and I feel more calm in my mind than anything else. 2018 may have been the year of destruction but 2019 will be the year I forge myself as a stronger person thanks to those I have around me. Thanks guys. You continue to make me a better person.
Want a well written story?
Posted 7 years agoCheck out my friend here. Money is running tight so he is opening himselg to commissions. He puts a lot of creative care and love into his work so check him out if you want to get top quality stories for a discounted price.
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9034579/
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9034579/
2018 - A Reflection
Posted 7 years agoMay want to add that its late at night and I am thinking about things. Oh yeah a dangerous combination. Luckily no one will probably read this so hey diary.
Overall assessment of 2018...yeah it can go fuck itself. Realized my partner of 9 years cheated on me, deserted me, and took that which is extremely precious to me. Realized who my friends were and realized that I was being used by others. Its a very eye opening experience knowing that years of your life was just full of manipulation. It left me with a feeling of depression, disgust, and uninterest. Depression because my partner and some friends I held dear, didn't actually love me. Maybe a time they were infatuated with the person I am but when it came time for me to pour my heart out, I was now a burden and abandoned. When I wanted to work on relations, some of those offers were met with "its not worth it". I know its better for me in the long run but holy crap is that an eye opening slap to the face.
I have disgust because a lot of what I see the problem is just with is just with the generational mindset. It seems the longer we live, the longer it takes us to grow up. We also live in an era where instant gratification is a thing. Because of this, things that take time and effort, such as love or wealth, is largely tossed aside. No one puts any effort into much anymore. Its all talk with nothing to show. No action being put forth. Don't people see that you accomplish nothing by doing nothing? Or that simply talking the talk isn't as fulfilling as walking the walk? But todays world if we don't like something, we have our awesome friend the internet to find us a new love interest. Yeah I'm on that kick. I have been replaced because I am in a really rough spot. I am more standoffish and I rely on those closest to me now more than ever. And because I require more effort, I am discarded more often. Don't feel bad. They don't owe me anything so why should I expect it of them? So because of my ever growing list of issues, I have a feeling of...
Disinterest; it's mostly love and people but yeah. Disinterest all around. I am untrusting of people that I am weary of sharing anything personal. I don't want to reciecve hugs or affection from others that I know in real life that are my friends. I have been abused by affection soo much that I have grown to physically be repulsed by the idea. I don't feel like I can ever find anyone because I'm soo emotionally damaged that I feel no one would want me and my twisted mind wont want them because "what are they trying to get at if we are together?"
Am I using this as a platform to reach out to someone? Nope. I expect no one to read this whole mess. Is this a cry for help? No. This is my mind grabbing my hands to tell me how messed up I am. I will be seeing a doctor now that I see it in words. As far as when, maybe after things are finally over and I can be in peace. There will always be a part of me wanting my old people back. But I have constant reminders of how used I was. How much they only cared about me as a trophy or a paycheck. Honestly I feel ashamed that I was abused and sexually assaulted. Yeah, that's a thing so god forbid if someone gets real intimate.
Should my future someone were to ever read this, well hello. Secondly, well hopefully I saw someone by now and am feeling better. Thirdly please take time. Lits of good things take time and now more than ever that applies to me. I know I am a good person. I have tons of great ideas. I have issues I need to work through so a become better for those around me.
Thank you for those who stayed around. Because of my pain there will probably be more writing so yay. Hope your 2018 was good and your 2019 even better. I know mine will.
Overall assessment of 2018...yeah it can go fuck itself. Realized my partner of 9 years cheated on me, deserted me, and took that which is extremely precious to me. Realized who my friends were and realized that I was being used by others. Its a very eye opening experience knowing that years of your life was just full of manipulation. It left me with a feeling of depression, disgust, and uninterest. Depression because my partner and some friends I held dear, didn't actually love me. Maybe a time they were infatuated with the person I am but when it came time for me to pour my heart out, I was now a burden and abandoned. When I wanted to work on relations, some of those offers were met with "its not worth it". I know its better for me in the long run but holy crap is that an eye opening slap to the face.
I have disgust because a lot of what I see the problem is just with is just with the generational mindset. It seems the longer we live, the longer it takes us to grow up. We also live in an era where instant gratification is a thing. Because of this, things that take time and effort, such as love or wealth, is largely tossed aside. No one puts any effort into much anymore. Its all talk with nothing to show. No action being put forth. Don't people see that you accomplish nothing by doing nothing? Or that simply talking the talk isn't as fulfilling as walking the walk? But todays world if we don't like something, we have our awesome friend the internet to find us a new love interest. Yeah I'm on that kick. I have been replaced because I am in a really rough spot. I am more standoffish and I rely on those closest to me now more than ever. And because I require more effort, I am discarded more often. Don't feel bad. They don't owe me anything so why should I expect it of them? So because of my ever growing list of issues, I have a feeling of...
Disinterest; it's mostly love and people but yeah. Disinterest all around. I am untrusting of people that I am weary of sharing anything personal. I don't want to reciecve hugs or affection from others that I know in real life that are my friends. I have been abused by affection soo much that I have grown to physically be repulsed by the idea. I don't feel like I can ever find anyone because I'm soo emotionally damaged that I feel no one would want me and my twisted mind wont want them because "what are they trying to get at if we are together?"
Am I using this as a platform to reach out to someone? Nope. I expect no one to read this whole mess. Is this a cry for help? No. This is my mind grabbing my hands to tell me how messed up I am. I will be seeing a doctor now that I see it in words. As far as when, maybe after things are finally over and I can be in peace. There will always be a part of me wanting my old people back. But I have constant reminders of how used I was. How much they only cared about me as a trophy or a paycheck. Honestly I feel ashamed that I was abused and sexually assaulted. Yeah, that's a thing so god forbid if someone gets real intimate.
Should my future someone were to ever read this, well hello. Secondly, well hopefully I saw someone by now and am feeling better. Thirdly please take time. Lits of good things take time and now more than ever that applies to me. I know I am a good person. I have tons of great ideas. I have issues I need to work through so a become better for those around me.
Thank you for those who stayed around. Because of my pain there will probably be more writing so yay. Hope your 2018 was good and your 2019 even better. I know mine will.
Writing Vomit
Posted 7 years agoA man sat down at the bar with a morose look upon his face. Stubbles outlining his jaw, hair disheveled, and a sullen cloud over his head. At least he was alone in the devil's den to contemplate where to go next.
The smooth bartender strode up to the man while drying a glass. He wore a grin that was shady as it was welcoming. "Hello stranger", said the bartender letting his last words linger in the air. "What'll be your poison?"
The man kept his eyes down at the table. His mouth was dry and he hadn't eaten anything in days. Even he wouldn't be caught in a place like this. He would be at home playing with his kids and enjoying his...
"Excuse me sir," said the bartender. "What'll you have to drink tonight?"
"Water" replied the man in a distant yet gruff voice.
"Are you sure? We have plenty of spirits for one that could use an upliftin' such as yourself."
The man did not reply. He simply stared at the shine of the table as the bartender decided to grab a glass of water. He placed the glass down in front of the man. With one swing he tossed back the pint of water and put the glass in front of him.
"Well that seemed to wet your whistle there buddy. Now tell me, what brings someone such as yourself to my domain?"
"I don't know. I came in after losing something very important to me. I'm at a loss of what I should do."
"There are many ways of acquiring things you lost there. What is it you lost?"
"My kids...my wife...everything I worked soo hard for."
"You have worked soo hard there for others. Here is something to think about, you work hard for everyone else but when is it that you get what you deserve?"
The man turned his eyes upward at the bartender woth rapt attention.
"You"ve lost them sure but think of what you gain from this. No longer will you be dependent on others for your strength. You can stand on your own and take pride in whatever accomplishments you do is for yourself. That your success in life is by your hands alone. Embrace what has happened and let yourself unfold naturally. After all its only natural to have a fire after such a loss."
The man stood to face the bartender as if to defy him; or rather to defy the fire within his very soul. "My source of strength is my family. My motivation to keep moving is that I was providing a better life for them. I did not mind sacrificing in order to make it happen. This still holds true I suppose. Even if they are somewhere away from me, I will still be able to provode them with a better life."
With that the man turned and headed for the exit.The bartender was grinning and shining another glass when he said, "and what about this fire in your soul? How long will it be before it consumes you and brings you back here?"
The man held the door open but turned back to the barman. "I will not fall victim to the fire that burns inside of me. Although I am fearful I could not prevent this tragedy, my strength has been tested and I wear the scars that prove that my calling will see me through."
With that the man turned and walked out. The bartender just kept grinning and shining his glass. After all, someone else will come in. Someone always comes in.
******************************************************************************
So that was it for this short story. I have been going through a lot of rough times. I don't know when I will be back to write things or even do them consistantly. But hey this may be a promise of things to come. I have a few stories here and there that are half finished so I will keep trying.
Anyway I wanted to write this after a song lyric popped in my head and this story came forth from it. Anyway feel free to hit me up and bug me about stuff or check in. I do appreciate it. Also if I don't do anything, have a happy Halloween.
The smooth bartender strode up to the man while drying a glass. He wore a grin that was shady as it was welcoming. "Hello stranger", said the bartender letting his last words linger in the air. "What'll be your poison?"
The man kept his eyes down at the table. His mouth was dry and he hadn't eaten anything in days. Even he wouldn't be caught in a place like this. He would be at home playing with his kids and enjoying his...
"Excuse me sir," said the bartender. "What'll you have to drink tonight?"
"Water" replied the man in a distant yet gruff voice.
"Are you sure? We have plenty of spirits for one that could use an upliftin' such as yourself."
The man did not reply. He simply stared at the shine of the table as the bartender decided to grab a glass of water. He placed the glass down in front of the man. With one swing he tossed back the pint of water and put the glass in front of him.
"Well that seemed to wet your whistle there buddy. Now tell me, what brings someone such as yourself to my domain?"
"I don't know. I came in after losing something very important to me. I'm at a loss of what I should do."
"There are many ways of acquiring things you lost there. What is it you lost?"
"My kids...my wife...everything I worked soo hard for."
"You have worked soo hard there for others. Here is something to think about, you work hard for everyone else but when is it that you get what you deserve?"
The man turned his eyes upward at the bartender woth rapt attention.
"You"ve lost them sure but think of what you gain from this. No longer will you be dependent on others for your strength. You can stand on your own and take pride in whatever accomplishments you do is for yourself. That your success in life is by your hands alone. Embrace what has happened and let yourself unfold naturally. After all its only natural to have a fire after such a loss."
The man stood to face the bartender as if to defy him; or rather to defy the fire within his very soul. "My source of strength is my family. My motivation to keep moving is that I was providing a better life for them. I did not mind sacrificing in order to make it happen. This still holds true I suppose. Even if they are somewhere away from me, I will still be able to provode them with a better life."
With that the man turned and headed for the exit.The bartender was grinning and shining another glass when he said, "and what about this fire in your soul? How long will it be before it consumes you and brings you back here?"
The man held the door open but turned back to the barman. "I will not fall victim to the fire that burns inside of me. Although I am fearful I could not prevent this tragedy, my strength has been tested and I wear the scars that prove that my calling will see me through."
With that the man turned and walked out. The bartender just kept grinning and shining his glass. After all, someone else will come in. Someone always comes in.
******************************************************************************
So that was it for this short story. I have been going through a lot of rough times. I don't know when I will be back to write things or even do them consistantly. But hey this may be a promise of things to come. I have a few stories here and there that are half finished so I will keep trying.
Anyway I wanted to write this after a song lyric popped in my head and this story came forth from it. Anyway feel free to hit me up and bug me about stuff or check in. I do appreciate it. Also if I don't do anything, have a happy Halloween.
Weird little update.
Posted 8 years agoEven though I haven't put out any new content, I still think about progressing as much as I can. Anways here we go.
I have gotten pretty much settled into my routine here at my new place. I work a lot of hours to the point where I leave before my kids get up and I come home after they fall asleep. Despite me not being able to see my family as often, I am still happier here than where I was previously.
As an added stress relief, I have joined up with a local gaming group so I can play roleplaying games when I can. Something I always love doing and getting to play different roles will help. Although there are a few more things I want to do on that end.
Now for the weird and possibly sad. Although I plan on doing more hypnosis related content in the future, my involvement with the community will lessen. I have already left groups and am generally unhappy keeping tabs on drama that goes on. As such I have noticed the people I talk to generally drifting away. That WOULD be a problem but I naturally push others away due to "reasons" anyway so it comes to no surprise that I am alone in that regard. That being said the few I have on other mediums I still urge you to contact me if you need anything. Consider me always in the back of your mind if you need me. ;3
Now despite me making less impact on the community, here are some of the positives. 1. I will be more focused on writing which is something I feel guilty about. It may also help push me past my writers block as I generally feel uninterested doing the same stuff over and over again. 2. I can focus more on my family. Despite my cold-hearted nature, those in my inner circle I do love with everything I got. For better or worse, that's my family and friends. But more focused on family because life and people and yeah. 3. Help combat my depression. I have noticed many times that I am completely happy with my life then hop online to see something I don't like only to sour my mood. To me, that is silly and ridiculous. I want to go out and live life. I want to bring interesting narratives to you all. And I want to focus more on my family and hobbies than online effecting me.
So yeah I will be online less. Wish I could help ya buuuuuuuuuut I can't. That being said I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. This may not be the last time I post in 2017 so stay tuned.
I have gotten pretty much settled into my routine here at my new place. I work a lot of hours to the point where I leave before my kids get up and I come home after they fall asleep. Despite me not being able to see my family as often, I am still happier here than where I was previously.
As an added stress relief, I have joined up with a local gaming group so I can play roleplaying games when I can. Something I always love doing and getting to play different roles will help. Although there are a few more things I want to do on that end.
Now for the weird and possibly sad. Although I plan on doing more hypnosis related content in the future, my involvement with the community will lessen. I have already left groups and am generally unhappy keeping tabs on drama that goes on. As such I have noticed the people I talk to generally drifting away. That WOULD be a problem but I naturally push others away due to "reasons" anyway so it comes to no surprise that I am alone in that regard. That being said the few I have on other mediums I still urge you to contact me if you need anything. Consider me always in the back of your mind if you need me. ;3
Now despite me making less impact on the community, here are some of the positives. 1. I will be more focused on writing which is something I feel guilty about. It may also help push me past my writers block as I generally feel uninterested doing the same stuff over and over again. 2. I can focus more on my family. Despite my cold-hearted nature, those in my inner circle I do love with everything I got. For better or worse, that's my family and friends. But more focused on family because life and people and yeah. 3. Help combat my depression. I have noticed many times that I am completely happy with my life then hop online to see something I don't like only to sour my mood. To me, that is silly and ridiculous. I want to go out and live life. I want to bring interesting narratives to you all. And I want to focus more on my family and hobbies than online effecting me.
So yeah I will be online less. Wish I could help ya buuuuuuuuuut I can't. That being said I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. This may not be the last time I post in 2017 so stay tuned.
