Okay, for those of you who don't know, I've been meaning to write this journal since yesterday morning. I got suspended for a full week beginning last Friday at 6:00 AM. Why? Well, I broke one of Fur Affinity's rules. Please read this deviantART journal and all the comments thereon for more information: https://www.deviantart.com/avionscr.....unts-849064702
I highly doubt that fA's admins keep a record of whether a user has been suspended (after their accounts have been reinstated), but please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. It goes without saying that I will never repeat the mistake that got both my accounts suspended for a week, but rather I will try to be careful to not do anything to risk my accounts again.
All that said, it's so good to be back! Did you miss me here?

This year has so far been crazy and unpredictable, what with the pandemic and riots and all. But tonight will not be your average Fourth of July; to add to the chaos, it will be a full moon, and not only that, it will be a lunar eclipse! Who knows what kind of insanity will go on tonight?
Whatever happens, please be safe. I will be staying home with my family and making ice cream and cooking tri-tip for dinner, so i think we'll be fine. Hope you all enjoy celebrating Independence Day too, and again, please be safe.
Here is the current queue:
 Agumonofalchemy--multiple illustrations for a book project (price to be determined later);
 Eonhyunwoo--1 2-character commission;
 japan2019--1 TF commission;
 Chistoso-TheJoke--1 9-panel 2-page comic commission;
 bluejr3--1 six-character shaded color commission.
I don't know when I'll be able to do a stream, possibly tomorrow but there are no guarantees.

Yet again that day has come, the one day of the year that we honor our fathers.
Also, for those wondering about my near absence of activity lately, well, the reason is that my laptop has been having difficulties with Windows 10 updates. A few days ago I tried to install the latest update, Version 2004, several times. Each time, it got stuck at 73% for hours on end. Finally, two days ago, it decided to install the update itself, but it took the whole remainder of the day to accomplish it, working well into the night. My laptop screen was blue with he update screen for hours, without the screensaver working, and I had to go to bed with that thing glowing. It was also extremely sluggish in the update process. This whole ordeal with the updates has cost me a lot of invaluable time that I could have spent working on pending commissions. Because of that, I am under a lot of stress and have decided to close commissions until I can finish the ones I have pending.
Current queue:
 AbeCapy--1 commission;
 Agumonofalchemy--multiple illustrations for a book project (price to be determined later);
 Eonhyunwoo--1 2-character commission;
 japan2019--1 TF commission;
Anonymous--5 lined commissions;
 bluejr3--1 six-character shaded color commission.

I know this journal is kinda late in the day, but for those who didn't know, today is Autistic Pride Day. Now, I don't really view it as a way to show pride in being on the autism spectrum, but rather I feel it should be a day of pride in one's own accomplishments despite having difficulties due to autism. I may not be the best artist here (and in fact, I have less talent and success than I would like/expect to have), but I am still a somewhat successful commission artist and I have made accomplishments as such. I am proud of those accomplishments, so I guess I shouldn't be disappointed that I'm not quite at the level I want to be. Being an artist is a journey of self-improvement, and it never ends so long as the artist lives. I often wonder where I will be in ten, fifteen, or twenty years from now.
Lastly I would like to end this journal with a quote paraphrased from something I saw in high school: Know your limitations, then surpass them.

For a while now, I've been watching the YouTube channel Psych2go, and I've been seeing a couple videos recently in particular that I can relate to. The first one is this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3cflxGTsn4
Here I will list what I have been noticing:
1. loss of interest--
Lately I have been losing interest in things I used to find enjoyable, like drawing and cooking. I would like to regain my passions and go on, but I don't know how.
2. inability to feel pleasure (anhedonia)
This is a big one. Sometimes I feel as though I have to force myself to find enjoyment, and it seems like a daily struggle.
3. food not tasting as good
Well, with the BIG exception of last night's Dutch oven pizza, this has been true for me too. I used to like smoked pork spareribs, but then lost my taste for them and started cooking beef back ribs instead. Again, I used to love how they tasted, but now even they taste bland to me and I feel like I'm being forced to like them.
4. not wanting anything
Yeah, I tend to have very little desire for anything these days.
5. indecision
I seem to have trouble making up my mind sometimes, particularly about which chore, polishing job, or pending commission I'd like to get done first. That can drive me crazy.
6. constant feeling of guilt
I do feel guilty all the time. Not sure why, but I feel like I don't even have a right to enjoy drawing or doing any of the things I used to enjoy doing.
7. avoiding loved ones
This one not so much, seeing as I live with my parents and have to take care of them, but sometimes when my sister or my brother's family comes over I try to avoid them.
8. feeling attacked
I have had some harsh critics online, and people have attacked me simply for disagreeing with them. Which is generally why I want to avoid writing anything political anymore, for fear of being attacked for it.

And then there's this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwQPLWBufG4
And here's why I (partially) fit the bill:
1. isolation
I am, and have always been, a very shy, introverted person, and I freely admit I am socially awkward and inept. I'm used to it, which is why the whole Covid-19 lockdown doesn't really affect me as much as you'd think it would.
2. depressive symptoms
I have been feeling really depressed lately, what with all the crazy things going on in the world today. I feel like the world is ending and wonder, what is life worth living at this point? It's really hard to get motivated to do anything, and I feel powerless to do anything.
3. absent-mindedness
Yes, I forget a lot. And I do mean a LOT. Sometimes I forget to do polish work, or forget to water the yard, or forget to buy sodas or some other groceries, or even forget what to buy at the store. I could go on and on with the list of things I keep forgetting but I think I've made my point.
4. unhealthy lifestyle changes
I don't seem to be getting enough sleep these days. And I don't exercise nearly enough which is probably why my muscles have a tendency to cramp all the time. Anyone in the comments know if plenty of exercise will help with muscle cramping? I'd like to know.
5. paranoia
This one, not so much.
6. slowing down of speech
Believe it or not, I am very self-conscious of how I speak to others and sometimes I'm trying hard to find the right words, so as not to upset anyone. Thus my speech slows down.
7. panic attacks
Well, I have had panic attacks in the past (I think), but these don't happen to me much right now.
So yeah, this has been a long journal, and kudos to anyone who managed to read it this far. Thanks for putting up with my rambling.

With all the things that have happened lately, between the stress caused by social isolation in the Covid-19 pandemic; and the death of George Floyd and the subsequent riots it led to, in addition to all the hard work I've had to do around the house lately and my polishing work that I just barely started, I am terribly stressed out and find it difficult to feel motivated to do anything. I'm living in fear that some rioter might attack and kill me when I'm out in public. I begin to wonder if life is even worth living anymore. I begin to realize now how horribly corrupt the police are, and this coming from the son of a retired police detective. It makes me wonder if he has some terrible things to hide, and I have always had a distrust of law enforcement and government to begin with. I even believe the institution of law enforcement, as well as government itself, should be abolished. The police sure as hell won't protect civilians during these riots, so we will have to protect ourselves.
Anyway, if I can somehow manage to stay alive and well enough to stream my pending projects, I will certainly try and let you know when I can stream again. But today is just not the day for me. I'm sorry, but I need some time off from all this madness.

Seriously, I'd like to know.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's having too much to do and waaaaaaaaaay too little time to do it. Things have been crazy busy around the house lately, and it seems the more I try to get things done, the more I have to get done. I'm sick and tired of not having enough time to finish pending projects and having to make excuses and apologies to my clients, but I feel as though I have absolutely no control of the situation and it scares and angers me. But I humbly ask you to please bear with me, as I am trying to do the best I can.
Anyway, for starters, today I finally bought a replacement handle for the old grub hoe. Problem is, it's too small in diameter to fit the eye in the blade. So I had to roll some duct tape around it to compensate. Also the handle is shorter than I'm used to; why is it that simple things are so much trouble?
But anyway, before I could get any of the much-needed weeding work done, Dad asked me to build a rail for the front door, which meant going to Home Depot multiple times. I hate going there so many times in one day, and by the time I got all that I needed I was too exhausted to finish the railing. Maybe tomorrow morning I can finish it.
Also, speaking of tomorrow morning,  Tato is having a birthday multistream event, and I will try to join it at 11 AM PDT. I am looking forward to that fun project.
Current queue with status:
 DanielMania123--1 2-page comic commission;
 PaddedArtist--1 2-character shaded color commission;
 Agumonofalchemy--multiple illustrations for a book project (price to be determined later);
 A-Phantasm--1 shaded color commission.
In addition to all the above stuff, I am currently working on an animated icon for  se6k8g, but I am torn about whether to finish that or not. He used to pay me for commissions, but then something happened and he could no longer pay me. I didn't want to make him unhappy, so I kept making him icons and stuff for him. So I don't know what to do on the matter. If I do decide to finish it, the icon will take a couple of weeks, and I hope  se6k8g can be patient.

Sorry for the absence of streaming these past few days. I have been finding it very difficult to get sufficiently motivated to do pretty much anything, though I have no idea why. The good news is, however, that my Dad, who is recovering from knee surgery, is doing somewhat better after the last visit from the physical therapist. I hope he continues to improve, as I feel I still have so much to learn from him.
Also, I heard that  Tato is deleting/disabling their old  yasminachan account as of tomorrow morning because of some idiot who has been reporting the old pics on that account. Keep in mind, that account hasn't been active since September 2011, so this is a really petty thing to do, especially two days before  Tato's 32nd birthday. So I have taken it upon myself to download as much of  yasminachan's profile as I can, starting with the oldest art and ending with the newest. Hopefully I can get it all downloaded.
The reason why I am doing all this is because I first encountered  Tato's art through their  yasminachan account, and it shows how much this user has grown as an artist. I think it should be preserved for posterity, if for nothing more than to show how an artist can grow and evolve.
Lastly, here is my current queue with status:
 DanielMania123--1 2-page comic commission;
 PaddedArtist--1 2-character shaded color commission;
 A-Phantasm--1 shaded color commission.

Okay, first of all, a little update about my current situation. My Dad is still recovering from his knee surgery, so Mom and I have been doing what we can to make him more comfortable and make it easier for him to move about the house. Today I installed a ramp for the threshold on the back patio door, and also I was busy installing two shower handles on the door jamb leading from the patio to the living room. There are other things that need doing around the house, but lately I have had little energy or motivation to get it done, so I don't know how I will make it through these tough times.
Second, commissions are currently closed for the time being. The reason is because I have quite a lot of commissions in my queue to finish, some of which I have yet to begin, so I don't want to add to my burden. I need time to finish the comms I have in the queue. It will also be difficult to know when I will be able to stream, so when an opportunity comes wherein I can stream, I will let you know in a journal.
Finally, here is my current queue with status:
 DanielMania123--1 shaded two-character commission and 1 2-page comic commission;
 Agumonofalchemy--1 animated commission (sketched and inked, timing to be checked and coloring added later);
 A-Phantasm--1 shaded color commission;
Anonymous--1 shaded five-character commission (nearly complete, waiting on pattern ideas from commissioner).

Today at 9:30 to 10:00 AM PDT I will begin a stream working on pending commissions. If interested you can watch at http://picarto.tv/CoffeehoundJoe/
Current queue with status:
 LeonXIII--1 of a series of commissions;
 DanielMania123--1 five-character commission;
 BlazeHeartPanther--1 two-character shaded color commission.

I will be doing a stream today to work on  DanielMania123's comic comission. The stream wil begin about 11:00 AM PDT. If interested, you can watch it at: http://picarto.tv/CoffeehoundJoe/
Current queue with status:
 DanielMania123--1 comic page commission (sketch begun);
 LilLilly--1 character model sheet commission.
 LeonXIII--a series of commissions.

Well, today Mom decided to hire someone to get the pecan tree stump out of our front yard, and he later came back to bring the logs cut from the tree to the back yard. I had to make sure the dogs were all safe, and didn't escape the yard, which was more difficult than you might think. Afterwards he trimmed the low-hanging branches from our Chinese elm tree, but left his ladder behind, as he will return tomorrow to finish the trimming.
Meanwhile, Mom went back to the hospital to bring Dad back, and he is doing very well, for those wondering. We did have to fix up the guest room bed and later arrange the furniture in it, but all in all, it looks as though Dad will be recovering there for the next six to eight weeks. (Hopefully it will be six weeks, if he is strict with his diet and consistently loses weight.) Anyway, your thoughts and prayers on this will be greatly appreciated.

Current queue with status:
 LilLilly--1 character model sheet commission.
 DanielMania123--1 comic page commission (sketch begun);
 LeonXIII--a series of commissions;
 00aa--1 two-character commission;
Anonymous--1 two-character inked commission.

I went on a road trip with my parents yesterday ti the Antelope Valley Poppy Reserve near Lancaster. On the way, we passed through Tehachapi, which was foggy and misty, and we saw so many huge windmills outside the city. Then the fog began to clear up as we got to Lancaster, and was sunny by the time we got to Antelope Valley. And what a sight it was! There were fields upon fields of bright, red-orange poppies, so bright that I didn't just see the color, I could literally feel it in my eyes! Of course the headquarters of the reserve are temporarily closed but we could still see all those wildflowers from the roadside. I even took pictures of it, and may share some of them on deviantART. As you can probably guess, I'm still in awe of what I saw yesterday.
Today Dad is going to get his knee surgery and may stay the night, or even two nights, depending on how well he recovers. Mom can't enter the hospital with him though. I hope all goes well for him, but in the best-case scenario he will have to wear a cast for 6-8 weeks.

First, my brother came over today and helped clean up the guest room to get it ready for Dad, who is going to have knee surgery on Wednesday. He is also coming later today to bring boxes for stuff, and maybe also will mow the lawn and do other things around the yard. He will need my help for that, so if you don't hear much from me in the near future, you'll know why.

Second, here is my current queue with status:
SuperSupper111 on dA--1 2-character shaded commission (inked and partially colored);
 SilverDruid--1 flat color commission;
 LilLilly--1 character model sheet commission.
 DanielMania123--1 comic page commission (sketch begun);
 LeonXIII--a series of commissions;
 ChespinBeefeater--1 commission for Thursday (sketch already done by another artist).

And lastly, please stay safe and be well.

Current queue with status:
SuperSupper111 on dA--1 2-character shaded commission (sketched, not yet inked);
 SilverDruid--1 flat color commission;
 LilLilly--1 character model sheet commission.
 DanielMania123--2 shaded color commissions;
 LeonXIII--a series of commissions;
 ChespinBeefeater--1 commission for Thursday(sketch already done by another artist).

Though it certainly doesn't feel like it this year. Nobody's coming over to visit us, and I have yet to make an Easter card. But hey, at least I'll be cooking smoked ribs for dinner, so at least that's something to look forward to!

I know a lot of you are probably buying into the whole "autism doesn't mean you're broken, it means you're special" propaganda this month, all the while knowing it isn't true yet conveniently falling for such an obvious appeal to emotions. Look up the clinical definition of autism, people; it is a neurological disorder. As someone diagnosed with severe, low-functioning autism, I speak from experience when I say that it does not make me "unique", it does not make me "special", and it does not mean I am "wired differently" (at least not in a good way). It means I am broken, sub-human, and will never be normal. I am really sick and tired of people patronizing me and trying to convince me otherwise! Do you know who came up with autism awareness month? It was companies like Autism Speaks and United Way. Not only has none of these organizations ever had a single employee or board member on the autism spectrum, but they also have never had any members who knew even the fundamental basics of psychology (you can look it up for yourselves if you don't believe me). And yet, they have the arrogance and gall to proclaim that they somehow speak for autistic people!

Man, I just hate being broken, sub-human, and altogether worthless because of my autism!

As some of you may know, April is Autism Awareness Month. My biggest gripe about this is, to put it simply, I HATE THIS MONTH! Every April I am reminded that I am broken, that I am less than human because of my autism, and I am reminded why I will never have the hand-to-eye coordination that a true artist should have! So please, people, do NOT mention Autism Awareness Month or anything like that!

Well, today Dad wants to mow the yard, for which he will need my help. That may take an hour or so, but hopefully I will be able to get some streaming done.
Also, tomorrow Mom and Dad and I are going on a day trip to the beach, because apparently we need to get out some more and get some sun. While they insist that we are going to keep our distance and have as little human contact as possible, I fear that may not be enough to be safe.
Current queue with status:
 Chistoso-TheJoke--1 comic commission (numerous errors still to be corrected);
 SilverDruid--1 flat color commission;
SuperSupper111 on dA--1 2-character shaded commission;
 LilLilly--1 character model sheet commission.

My family and I have basically been living in isolation under an unofficial self-imposed quarantine. We only leave when we have to buy groceries and such, but all local stores are still out of toilet paper and paper towels. Despite the measures people are taking, there are now some 3,777 cases in my home state of California and I worry about getting the virus, which now has about a 1 in 68 mortality rate in the US. My Dad has a sore knee and has to use a walker, and my Mom has a chronic cough due to mild asthma. Not to mention I worry for all my friends here. It's hard to have hope in these trying times.
On a lighter note, here's the current queue with status:
 Chistoso-TheJoke--1 comic commission (numerous errors still to be corrected);
 DanielMania123--1 comic page remake commission;
SilverDruid on fA--1 flat color commission;
 SuperSupper111--1 2-character shaded commission;
LilLilly on fA--1 character model sheet commission.

Today is my Mom's 66th birthday, so I will make her a card and post it here.
Also, last night we had homemade Dutch-oven pizzas, and they were delicious! Rusty's has got nothing on my pizzas! So instead of going to Rusty's on Fridays, I guess I'll just make the pizzas here.
Current queue with status:
 Chistoso-TheJoke--1 comic commission (numerous errors still to be corrected);
 jahubbard--1 2-page comic commission (both pages sketched, first panel partially inked);
 DanielMania123--1 comic page remake commission;
SuperSupper111 on dA--1 2-character shaded commission;
 LilLilly--1 character model sheet commission.

First of all, I found this video earlier: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qeYK8qpWFs
Second, today I am expecting a customer to come pick up the two pieces I polished.
Third, Dad may have me help him with mowing the lawn this morning, so expect that to take an hour or more.
Lastly, the current queue:
 Chistoso-TheJoke--1 comic commission (numerous errors still to be corrected);
 ParadoxDragon--1 simple shaded color commission, completed sketch and started inking;
 jahubbard--1 2-page comic commission (pending payments).

For those who didn't know, because of Covid-19 FWA (Furry Weekend Atlanta) has been cancelled. I knew this was going to happen. I would have been working at FUN Sports on that weekend but now even that has been postponed. Thanks a lot, Covid-19 for ruining what could have been my only chance to ever go to FWA! I guess we should all get ready for a statewide lockdown and neverending doses of martial law, 'cause this is it! Now I'm so mad, so frustrated, and so disappointed, that not only do I not want to live on this planet anymore, I don't want to live in this universe anymore!
On a lighter note, Happy St. Patrick's Day, for what it's worth. Hopefully everyone will have a wonderful time with their families, seeing as that's all any of us can do.
*sneaks into another universe devoid of life forms and never comes back*