Just an update on how stuff is and will be developing.
When I started posting online, I did it while I had big self-esteem issues. At that time and before, drawing was the only thing I was better at than others, and I thought, "I really want to achieve some level of popularity, of being recognized as a really good artist, to be better than anyone else and have proof of it and a mark of my journey, and one day maybe, if I'm lucky, work as a full-time freelance artist." That mindset drove me forward very easily, but when I turned 18 and saw that I was still so incredibly bad compared to the people I looked up to when they were my age, I had a big, big burnout. Thankfully my friends carried me through it. But since then I haven't had ambition since I have "failed". My dreams of going freelance and being a great artist seemed impossible.
Since then, I have tried to not compare myself to others, and I lived in sort of stagnation. I posted just for the sake of posting and seeing the numbers grow and mayyyybe improve but nothing more than that. After some time, I started to hate that, so I thought, maybe it's the company I surrounded myself with, as I've always had only drawing and not many friends, and it was sort of escapism for me. Now that I had more stuff outside of drawing, I thought that it was what made me not have any drive to be best in drawing. ive left most servers i was in, hoping i would get my childish dreams back. i did not, so after a month or 3 i continued as before.

During all this, I wasn't drawing much, as for the past year I have been doing two big graduation projects. And I had to learn for graduation itself. That inability to draw and stress made me think about stuff. I have wasted a lot of time playing games in the past, started drawing late, was drawing wrong, and switched mediums too late, and now graduation stole about half a year of my life.
And so, after 16th on which are my uni exams, id like to isolate myself from internet (i waste too much time on youtube and stuff, and other stuff) and improve upon myself in holidays in drawing and concentration.
Even though I have more social life now, interacting with people I don't know still scares me. im afraid of offending anyone and people hating me for it, so i really want to go and do some social stuff with people outside of my circle of people im comfortable with, so if there are some events in drawing feral porn or stuff, I will probably try to find and join some to do something new.

im someone who gets extremely jealous when it comes to art. When I look at someone I really, really look up to, people who inspired me, who I strive to be like, it reaaaaly makes me want to do something.
I have recently looked through trigaroo's profile trying to find out how they got so good at shading; I read through journals, and it made me realize something. Im repeating same thing everyday, not trying anything new, i draw, i post. I want to try new stuff and interact with people more, try new challenges, and not just draw and post but have some impact, and I don't think I can do that when my mindset to posting and drawing feels like an everyday chore rather than a challenge and I am scared of talking with people.

And so, due to this, after I get better during holidays, I want to try new stuff, new challenges, and try new things in art and have an impact, do something, be part of something, the thing ive been scared to do due to my social anxiety.
Along with that, I'm making 2 OCs, :3 so instead of just drawing soulless porn with personalityless chars i want to draw soulful porn. So other than for art trades and challenges, I will probably be drawing my characters. Not the 90% vaporeons in my gallery. I will probably try to do more illustrations, like highly rendered drawings. and some dedicated practices. Also, stuff I will be drawing will probably be weird or kinky if it's an attempt at illustration. I tried to do it some time ago, but it just requires thinking. The normal NSFW for me is just mindless drawing, so I do it more even though I said I would spice it up ages ago.





Maybe, just maybe, if I try hard enough and I get very lucky, maybe I'll be able to go freelance, maybe it just doesn't have to be a dream.

It is the NNN you horny people. Trade i was planning to make got canceled because of my retardation. BUT it came at great time as it happened on 31October. It sure was a higher plan from above (or more likely down there), trust. So i shall draw weird shit everyday for month now.
Time to make november as kinky and weird as possible.
Tho ima make some morally horrid or weird stuff and its gonna have the cringiest and corniest dialogue, so those of ya who find that disgusting, dont blame me if u ignored the warnin at my bio n this msg🙏

Uhhhh hey. I recently thought of doing like drawing streams or sum bcs it forces me to draw with minimal breaks and distractions. Ima be drawing daily on picarto. The acc there is called FriskyFel

heya, this aint nothing important, just lil explanation/rant of sorts.
I used to draw and post on different acc, i stopped drawing for like 5 months cuz burnout, then i made this account as experiment with drawing controversial ideas to see if people going to post like hate comments or stuff. In the end i couldn't even get my ass to post the ideas in the end.
Im really really scared of ppl judging me or abandoning me, to the point where although i do want to post stuff i draw, im scared of posting controversial or weird ideas i cook up because i dont want the people who watch me to be dissapointed in me , so i dont even draw em (thats why i really look up to ppl like goonie-san, he draws controversial/unhinged and he doesn't care, not to mention that he has the best artstyle ever) , and then its just loop of me drawing same thing over and over, and its taxing. i may have been posting for like last year and a bit but ive been in like half a burnout mode. I used to draw because it was only thing i was good at compared to others and i was drawing with the goal that maybe when i reach like 18-19 i would draw at least to some extent as good as my favourite artists( ive been drawing for that goal since like 7 years ago). so when i reached the age and wasn't even close to them, i lost joy from drawing and just been drawing because its only thing i was even remotely good at. Even when drawing, i didnt use many references for poses because i cant look on pinterest for nsfw references like "feral spreading his sweaty cheeks real life photo" as normal sfw artists do and taking poses from other artists felt like staling, so most of poses i did were plain and boring. and i also didn't even improve much because of it.
Recently ive made some friends that really help me with this fear of judgement and all the crap. im really really grateful to them to the point of crying from joy.
(also i never made acc on twitter even tho i wanted to post there because i thought that community there is even more toxic, but im thinking of at least giving it a try, seeing all the artist i look up to being there makes me want to give it a try at least.)
(also i dont think anyone cares but just wanted to say, i have started working out not because of body and stuff but because it makes me way less stressed and sad for entire day and also makes me energized and can get stuff (drawing for longer time) done way easier without procrastination and stuff, i really recommend it )

why am i saying all this bs?
Cuz i dont want to deal with this crap anymore. Ima draw things i wna draw for myself (this doesn't mean i dont care about ppl who take the time to look at my drawings, i love yall and im crazy gratefull for all the support, and i will still do my best to draw and post even more and grow this acc ), i just want to enjoy drawing once more as i used to in past.
so ima treat this account the way I intended to when creating this, ima use it as sketchbook for stuff i draw, i will draw some weird/for some disgusting shit, sometimes maybe some very boring fanart from games, also i will heavily reference poses from time to time because its most efficient way to learn stuff, i will also try types of artstyles from artists i look up to, so that i can improve, because for past 2 years i almost haven't improved

also i just wanted to say that chatting with ppl and making commissions makes me really happy but at same time it puts pressure on me and i get paranoid about the ppl commissioning me being disappointed with the drawings and it makes me focus on all the mistakes and i spend way too much time on it and also it makes me disgusted with the drawing i make because i feel like its not good enough. So ima take break from commissions until i manage to deal with this mental block