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Moving accounts
Posted a year agoIt has been years since I've been here on FA, and I am perplexed as to why there is still no freakin' ability to change your username. If that ability was implemented, I would have no problem remaining on this account so I can keep my list of all of the artists I am still watching. Ugh...
Regardless, I made the decision to get a nice fresh start by starting a new account. The name freakysheik is a name that is tied to my inner eccentric self, and it will always be a name that is funny and awesome to me. But I feel that the name is now out of place in this rapidly changing and decaying world.
I probably will not delete this account, but I will render it inactive as I migrate my artist watch list. Once preparations are made in my new account, I will post up the new name and such, along with updated links to my online social spots.
Stay tuned!
Regardless, I made the decision to get a nice fresh start by starting a new account. The name freakysheik is a name that is tied to my inner eccentric self, and it will always be a name that is funny and awesome to me. But I feel that the name is now out of place in this rapidly changing and decaying world.
I probably will not delete this account, but I will render it inactive as I migrate my artist watch list. Once preparations are made in my new account, I will post up the new name and such, along with updated links to my online social spots.
Stay tuned!
Late Regrets
Posted 4 years agoWARNING: This is just a rant about myself.
Another year coming to a close with another beginning anew.
There are days where I have regrets for me past actions, behaviors, and decisions. I always had such days as each year passed, where I would just think about why I had done and/or thought something. And each time I did think, the result would always be the same: none of it made any sense. And normally, I would just chalk it up to me being young and foolish, still learning and what not. And I would look forward with blind optimism, thinking that things will get so much better, and clinging to my wonderful dreams and fantasies of where I would like to be.
However, as each year passes, I have noticed that such days of me thinking of my regrets are becoming more and more frequent. As a result of this, the effects have become heavier. Why? Because these regrets made me realize not only all of the past opportunities I missed, opportunities that would of brought me success, happiness, excitement, and so much more, but also showed me how my brash stupidity and greed made me lose those opportunities 'for good'.
Now, this cycle has become so bad that I beat myself up almost every day, chastising myself for my foolishness, my stupidity, my illnesses, my flaws, my actions, my decisions, and everything that is "me". Why did this become so bad? Well, these regrets made my realize that those opportunities I missed were "golden" opportunities. They were golden because they aligned perfectly with my interests, and were for sure able to give me the success, happiness, and excitement, I have been yearning for. These past opportunities I missed would of given me a few careers to be active in, ones that I would of kept myself active in, no matter my age. Now, these opportunities have been closed off for me. I can't revisit them or make an attempt to grasp these opportunities again.
Unfortunately for me, I have no other interests that will bring me the same level of happiness and fulfillment as my past opportunities. I know this for certain because I made attempts to look into other interests, and... nothing shines as bright for me. I am still trying, but as time goes on with me searching, I grow more and more discouraged. Not only am I late, but I am stuck adrift. This just really sucks.
Alright, I just ran out of energy to write this. I could of written more, but I would rather stop here before my writing becomes crappier. I may or may not expand on this journal. If I do, I will more than likely post this journal again with updated writing.
Replies have been disabled.
Another year coming to a close with another beginning anew.
There are days where I have regrets for me past actions, behaviors, and decisions. I always had such days as each year passed, where I would just think about why I had done and/or thought something. And each time I did think, the result would always be the same: none of it made any sense. And normally, I would just chalk it up to me being young and foolish, still learning and what not. And I would look forward with blind optimism, thinking that things will get so much better, and clinging to my wonderful dreams and fantasies of where I would like to be.
However, as each year passes, I have noticed that such days of me thinking of my regrets are becoming more and more frequent. As a result of this, the effects have become heavier. Why? Because these regrets made me realize not only all of the past opportunities I missed, opportunities that would of brought me success, happiness, excitement, and so much more, but also showed me how my brash stupidity and greed made me lose those opportunities 'for good'.
Now, this cycle has become so bad that I beat myself up almost every day, chastising myself for my foolishness, my stupidity, my illnesses, my flaws, my actions, my decisions, and everything that is "me". Why did this become so bad? Well, these regrets made my realize that those opportunities I missed were "golden" opportunities. They were golden because they aligned perfectly with my interests, and were for sure able to give me the success, happiness, and excitement, I have been yearning for. These past opportunities I missed would of given me a few careers to be active in, ones that I would of kept myself active in, no matter my age. Now, these opportunities have been closed off for me. I can't revisit them or make an attempt to grasp these opportunities again.
Unfortunately for me, I have no other interests that will bring me the same level of happiness and fulfillment as my past opportunities. I know this for certain because I made attempts to look into other interests, and... nothing shines as bright for me. I am still trying, but as time goes on with me searching, I grow more and more discouraged. Not only am I late, but I am stuck adrift. This just really sucks.
Alright, I just ran out of energy to write this. I could of written more, but I would rather stop here before my writing becomes crappier. I may or may not expand on this journal. If I do, I will more than likely post this journal again with updated writing.
Replies have been disabled.
A decision to give up dating.
Posted 4 years agoWhen it comes to journals and social media, I don't write anything at all nor do I approach people I do not know respectively (reasons why can be read up on via my Featured/Pinned Journal). This journal entry, however, is an exception for me since it is about a recent decision I have come to make and a tiny rant about said decision. That being said, this feels very awkward for me to write this journal, so please forgive my writing quality.
Out from the piles of bullshit this pandemic has brought me came one positive thing; free time. This free time has given me the opportunity to conduct an inventory of my self, such as where I am currently in life, how far behind I am on all sorts of things, reaffirm where I stand on various topics, and make some much needed decisions.
One such decision I have come to make recently is to completely stop my attempts at dating and looking for that special intimate partner. While I realize that making such a decision is not going to be healthy in the long term, I feel that removing this weight off my shoulders will give me back the energy I need to catch up on everything I have fallen behind on. But there are more reasons for this decision than just this:
The first reasoning is that I am currently not in a good point my life. To start, I had to move back in with my parents several years ago in order to help my mother with the care of my grandmother and sister. And I am still with them today, helping my folks and my sister. Furthermore, due to my diagnosis of my left eye and the raging pandemic, I am unable to return to working as a logistics driver. After discussions with my family, I decided to get back into college, and take up on my mother's offer to start a business with her. Basically, what this all means is I will still be living with my family as a result of this, which will be a glaring red flag to whom ever I'm interested in and/or whom ever may be interested in me, regardless of my circumstances.
Second, I feel like crap AND look like crap. Depression, AADD, OCD, and plenty of stress managed to really wear me down over the years. I am in a constant sruggle with my depressive eating disorder (where I eat too much when I am very depressed) while also fighting to lose more weight. It has become quite a daily fight to get myself hyped up to go and do work around the house, or exercise, or work on start up prep work for my business. At 37 years old I am beginning to get white hair all over, which is quite a gut punch to my self-esteem. My energy and motivation for nearly everything is at all time lows. Because of this, I feel like I won't have the youthful energy to devote to a significant other, AND I feel like I am not appealing anymore.
Third, I am 37 years old, and 3 flippin' years away from 40. I have no doubt that my age is going to play a huge factor in rendering me even more unappealing, especially when I cross that damn 40 year mark.
Fourth, I strongly reject the argument that was given to me by my counselor and other people; where intimate relationships are nothing more than an arrangement of compromises. I do not believe that. The reason why I do not believe it is not because of me being selfish (far from it!). It is because I have seen/heard how relationships that run on this game of compromises operate from people that I know (my parents being one of them). And the results of this 'game of compromises' I witnessed were not good; constant arguments and fights, bickering, disagreements, no enjoyment, no happiness, no fun. An initimate relationship should be freakin' fantastic, fresh, awesome, happy, and all other good words, always. Both for me AND the significant other. I do not wish to go through that.
Lastly, this next one plays off of the fourth. I know what kind of person I seek. I know what kind of person is right for me. What this means is that I have expectations/requirements that I am not willing to budge on. I will not name these expectations/requirements here because they are personal. I believe that there are individuals that exist whom are perfect for other people in terms of intimate relationships. However, I also believe that such individuals are rare, few, and far in between. The odds are clearly stacked against me, but there is no other recourse than me accepting these odds, and just hope and what not that things will eventually change for the the better in a way that is mind blowing.
Making this decision really sucks for me because I am the type of person who actually craves for an intimate relationship. And its not just about the intimacy, but to share in the adventures, fun times, and fantastic experiences with someone special, those sort of things I yearn for. I honestly wish that my circumstances were way better than now, that I was more appealing, and not as scatter brained. But, at the moment, I have to accept that finding someone is just very unlikely to happen.
Right now, I am so behind on everything, and I need to dedicate as much energy and what ever motivation I have left, to just catch up. I need to improve my health, work towards obtaining a degree in engineering, get my business up and running, learn new things, pursue hobbies that I have been meaning to (drawing and writing), and put forth my best effort to salvage what I have left and get myself to a better position in life.
I will remain hopeful that this will eventually change, that I may discover that special significant other. But I won't hold my breath until such a time. Right now, I have to get to work and catch up.
At least I have my imagination to serve as an analog to experiencing such a thing. And more than likely, after the surgery is done on my eye, I will start drawing and writing more often, which would allow me to illustrate these fictional experiences.
Out from the piles of bullshit this pandemic has brought me came one positive thing; free time. This free time has given me the opportunity to conduct an inventory of my self, such as where I am currently in life, how far behind I am on all sorts of things, reaffirm where I stand on various topics, and make some much needed decisions.
One such decision I have come to make recently is to completely stop my attempts at dating and looking for that special intimate partner. While I realize that making such a decision is not going to be healthy in the long term, I feel that removing this weight off my shoulders will give me back the energy I need to catch up on everything I have fallen behind on. But there are more reasons for this decision than just this:
The first reasoning is that I am currently not in a good point my life. To start, I had to move back in with my parents several years ago in order to help my mother with the care of my grandmother and sister. And I am still with them today, helping my folks and my sister. Furthermore, due to my diagnosis of my left eye and the raging pandemic, I am unable to return to working as a logistics driver. After discussions with my family, I decided to get back into college, and take up on my mother's offer to start a business with her. Basically, what this all means is I will still be living with my family as a result of this, which will be a glaring red flag to whom ever I'm interested in and/or whom ever may be interested in me, regardless of my circumstances.
Second, I feel like crap AND look like crap. Depression, AADD, OCD, and plenty of stress managed to really wear me down over the years. I am in a constant sruggle with my depressive eating disorder (where I eat too much when I am very depressed) while also fighting to lose more weight. It has become quite a daily fight to get myself hyped up to go and do work around the house, or exercise, or work on start up prep work for my business. At 37 years old I am beginning to get white hair all over, which is quite a gut punch to my self-esteem. My energy and motivation for nearly everything is at all time lows. Because of this, I feel like I won't have the youthful energy to devote to a significant other, AND I feel like I am not appealing anymore.
Third, I am 37 years old, and 3 flippin' years away from 40. I have no doubt that my age is going to play a huge factor in rendering me even more unappealing, especially when I cross that damn 40 year mark.
Fourth, I strongly reject the argument that was given to me by my counselor and other people; where intimate relationships are nothing more than an arrangement of compromises. I do not believe that. The reason why I do not believe it is not because of me being selfish (far from it!). It is because I have seen/heard how relationships that run on this game of compromises operate from people that I know (my parents being one of them). And the results of this 'game of compromises' I witnessed were not good; constant arguments and fights, bickering, disagreements, no enjoyment, no happiness, no fun. An initimate relationship should be freakin' fantastic, fresh, awesome, happy, and all other good words, always. Both for me AND the significant other. I do not wish to go through that.
Lastly, this next one plays off of the fourth. I know what kind of person I seek. I know what kind of person is right for me. What this means is that I have expectations/requirements that I am not willing to budge on. I will not name these expectations/requirements here because they are personal. I believe that there are individuals that exist whom are perfect for other people in terms of intimate relationships. However, I also believe that such individuals are rare, few, and far in between. The odds are clearly stacked against me, but there is no other recourse than me accepting these odds, and just hope and what not that things will eventually change for the the better in a way that is mind blowing.
Making this decision really sucks for me because I am the type of person who actually craves for an intimate relationship. And its not just about the intimacy, but to share in the adventures, fun times, and fantastic experiences with someone special, those sort of things I yearn for. I honestly wish that my circumstances were way better than now, that I was more appealing, and not as scatter brained. But, at the moment, I have to accept that finding someone is just very unlikely to happen.
Right now, I am so behind on everything, and I need to dedicate as much energy and what ever motivation I have left, to just catch up. I need to improve my health, work towards obtaining a degree in engineering, get my business up and running, learn new things, pursue hobbies that I have been meaning to (drawing and writing), and put forth my best effort to salvage what I have left and get myself to a better position in life.
I will remain hopeful that this will eventually change, that I may discover that special significant other. But I won't hold my breath until such a time. Right now, I have to get to work and catch up.
At least I have my imagination to serve as an analog to experiencing such a thing. And more than likely, after the surgery is done on my eye, I will start drawing and writing more often, which would allow me to illustrate these fictional experiences.
