Bleeeh! This really sucks...
Posted 6 months agoI was hoping to make MCFC this year, but the universe had others plans... My roommates bird got sick and he had to take her to the vet, she needs to be given medicine every few hours now, so he can't come, and then I got strep throat. It feels like I'm swallowing needles, needless to say, we won't be making it year. To make things worse too, we couldn't find a room in the main or overflow hotel originally, so we had to rent and Airbnb, whiiiiich is non-refundable. It happened soon enough that it was already well past check-in time before we canceled it, so I guess that's fair... just... sad and in a lot of pain too, but I guess that's just how things go sometimes.
Bluesky account!
Posted 7 months agoI finally went ahead and made a Bluesky account, you can find me here:
https://bsky.app/profile/friskylime.bsky.social
I'm pretty late to the party, but I hardly ever used Twitter as it was, and it's probably for the same reasons I've been pretty quiet and not posting much over the last few years. It's hard to put into words... and it's a lot of complicated heavy feels, so I don't think I'll get into that here. Just drop me a follow if you care to and/or link me your own! It would mean a bunch to me! Thankies!
https://bsky.app/profile/friskylime.bsky.social
I'm pretty late to the party, but I hardly ever used Twitter as it was, and it's probably for the same reasons I've been pretty quiet and not posting much over the last few years. It's hard to put into words... and it's a lot of complicated heavy feels, so I don't think I'll get into that here. Just drop me a follow if you care to and/or link me your own! It would mean a bunch to me! Thankies!
Merry Christmas everyone!
Posted 10 months agoMerry Christmas! Hope you all are having a good one! <3 <3
Sorry for the delayed on this...
Posted a year agoAbout the news on Dragoneer... I meant to say something sooner, but it honestly came as a shock and I was trying not to have a panic attack the first couple days. The healthcare in this country is just ridiculous. I don't want to think about it because it's something we're all going to have to deal with one day and I feel like it just straight up murdered him...
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's literally what it feels like, and it's scary. I actually use to play Elder Scrolls with Dragoneer, but I was always kinda shy around him. I'd been following him for years and remember seeing some of the haters he'd gotten in the past, but he was always so nice to me, and now I regret not having gotten to know him better.
If it weren't for him, I wouldn't of had this place and probably wouldn't of met a lot of the friends I have now or had a lot of the experiences I've had. I can't believe he's gone. I wish I had told him thank you for all that he's done... Anyways, I apologize again for the delay on this, and I apologize if I say that I'd like to try and not dwell on this for too long. Thinking about all this is just gonna mess me up more, I'm sorry. I really truly hope that he's in a better place now though.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's literally what it feels like, and it's scary. I actually use to play Elder Scrolls with Dragoneer, but I was always kinda shy around him. I'd been following him for years and remember seeing some of the haters he'd gotten in the past, but he was always so nice to me, and now I regret not having gotten to know him better.
If it weren't for him, I wouldn't of had this place and probably wouldn't of met a lot of the friends I have now or had a lot of the experiences I've had. I can't believe he's gone. I wish I had told him thank you for all that he's done... Anyways, I apologize again for the delay on this, and I apologize if I say that I'd like to try and not dwell on this for too long. Thinking about all this is just gonna mess me up more, I'm sorry. I really truly hope that he's in a better place now though.
I'm awlright!
Posted a year agoSorry for the lack of a follow up journal! I'm all better from covid and have been for a week now. Now all I need to worry about is my back and my graying muzzle. xD xD
Fffffuuuuckkk... Covid...
Posted a year agoDammit... so some of you might know I've been sick the last 4 days. My fever still hasn't broke so I decided to take a Covid test... It came back positive. My breathing is fine for the moment, but this really turbo sucks. I had all my vaccinations, but I guess they either didn't take or this is a new strain. I feel absolutely awful. Been rolling around in a pool of sweat and in pain the whole time. I really don't want to be out of work that long either, but it can't be helped. I'll keep ya'll posted in case anything changes, but hopefully my next journal will be that I'm better and not going to the hospital. x.x;
Still alive!
Posted a year agoSorry I've been so quite lately. I guess real life has it's hooks in me, but you all are still in my mind, now and always. I am pretty lonely here though, just having a hard time striking up conversations and getting things going. I apologize if there's a few of you I've not responded to. I do see messages when they're forwarded at me, I'm just weak and generally out of the social juice even though I don't want to be. I would be lovely to still hear from you all.
I do still intend to post backlogged arts I've gotten too, just uhg. I forgot how tedious a few minutes of typing per image can be, and I haven't worked up the habit of posting like one a day or so, but anyways, I guess that's all for now!
I do still intend to post backlogged arts I've gotten too, just uhg. I forgot how tedious a few minutes of typing per image can be, and I haven't worked up the habit of posting like one a day or so, but anyways, I guess that's all for now!
It's that time again! Off to MCFC!
Posted a year agoI'll be there! Hope you see you all around again! ^^
Incoming art flood! And off to MCFC tomorrow!
Posted 2 years agoHey all! Finally got around to posting some of my backlogged art! I actually have a ton more, but this is all for now! I'll try to get around to posting more, but hope ya'll enjoy what I have for now! ^^; Also, I'm off to MCFC in the morning! We only have the room for 2 days, so I'll only be fursuiting the first 2 days most likely, but hope to see you all there! :D :D
Merry Christmas!
Posted 3 years agoHope everyone's holiday is a joyous one!
Feeling lost...
Posted 3 years agoI feeling completely lost and like there's no one and nothing I belong to. I feel like I'm always on the outside looking in. I see something or someone that interests me, and I try my best to be a friend and to be a part of others lives only to end up defeated and disheartened, time and time again. I always feel unheard and I don't understand what I'm doing or where I'm going with anymore. Sure I have likes, and sure other people say they like what I do, but I always seem to end up doing and being completely alone in everything I do, and it hurts. It hurts to keep trying and feeling shut out or put at arms length so many times when I try to be a part of something with someone.
Everyone tells me just to be myself and everything will fall in place, but I feel like it's just a lie that's been told to me all my life. I've only ever been myself, and it's all I ever can be and it's made me miserable. I've had such an agonizing time gaining and maintaining anything I feel is real. I've even taken steps to try and examine myself, how I talk, how I act, how I feel, so see if I'm doing something wrong and if I can improve myself or if there's some better angle I can approach things. I try to tell myself that the feelings I'm feeling now are just a product of being unsure and that I have to be patient, that I am doing what I can and that's all that matters. I keep trying to tell myself that, if something doesn't happen, or if I don't connect right away, that others aren't looking away or down at me with malice. I know that's not how it really is, I know those thoughts are false. They're probably just busy or feeling down themselves, but it's like... constant, all the time, and if I perhaps seem a little pushy at times, it's entirely out necessity for someones friendship and love, and if there's one thing I wish people would understand more than anything, it would be that, because I'm hurting and in a really dark and lonely place.
It's entirely possible that I'm just experiencing neglect and it's not at all my fault, but I don't know that either, and I would never wish lay blame to anyone even if it wasn't my fault. It never makes anything better and wouldn't make me feel any better doing so, but trying to fix things also never seems to work. All I know and can ever do is convey how something makes me feel, I might not be able to explain it in any rational way and what I feel might not be relative to how things actually are, but that doesn't change the fact that feel at all, and I should be allowed to say it. Right now though, I wish I couldn't feel at all, because it always seems to hurt me and others when I tell them what I am feeling about anything. It's not always a bad feeling mind you, but there are many MANY times where I feel like I can't say how I'm actually feeling or it will just upset everyone every time. Like I am not allowed to be upset about anything, or when it is a positive feeling, like it's almost always ignored, or even discouraged, because they just don't have the time or energy. Again that's not always what's actually said, most times I'm left handing for days, and that's how it feels.
I feel caged and like I'm not allowed to fully express myself or BE myself regardless of people telling me otherwise, and that's why I feel like it's a lie. It might seem like a good idea to encourage someone by telling to be themselves, but unless the time and energy and environment for them to actually be themselves and be responsible for their own well-being is provided to them, the message might as well be read as fend for yourself rather and be for yourself. I don't think there's anything truly wrong with me and I've always tried to be everything I can be, and even also be and do for others as well, and I just don't feel like any of it ever really mattered. In fact, I've even had others tell me they never really thought I cared, when to me I gave everything I possibly could, and it's all because the one time I decide to express my dislikes and concerns on a situation, that's what happens. I just... I can't... What was it all for? If I can't even say one thing that's bothering me. All that time, just lost, because I was upset about something, rather than try to see and understand and take me seriously, they have to say something so cruel and crushing.
Anyways... I'm just... I don't know where I am anymore...
Everyone tells me just to be myself and everything will fall in place, but I feel like it's just a lie that's been told to me all my life. I've only ever been myself, and it's all I ever can be and it's made me miserable. I've had such an agonizing time gaining and maintaining anything I feel is real. I've even taken steps to try and examine myself, how I talk, how I act, how I feel, so see if I'm doing something wrong and if I can improve myself or if there's some better angle I can approach things. I try to tell myself that the feelings I'm feeling now are just a product of being unsure and that I have to be patient, that I am doing what I can and that's all that matters. I keep trying to tell myself that, if something doesn't happen, or if I don't connect right away, that others aren't looking away or down at me with malice. I know that's not how it really is, I know those thoughts are false. They're probably just busy or feeling down themselves, but it's like... constant, all the time, and if I perhaps seem a little pushy at times, it's entirely out necessity for someones friendship and love, and if there's one thing I wish people would understand more than anything, it would be that, because I'm hurting and in a really dark and lonely place.
It's entirely possible that I'm just experiencing neglect and it's not at all my fault, but I don't know that either, and I would never wish lay blame to anyone even if it wasn't my fault. It never makes anything better and wouldn't make me feel any better doing so, but trying to fix things also never seems to work. All I know and can ever do is convey how something makes me feel, I might not be able to explain it in any rational way and what I feel might not be relative to how things actually are, but that doesn't change the fact that feel at all, and I should be allowed to say it. Right now though, I wish I couldn't feel at all, because it always seems to hurt me and others when I tell them what I am feeling about anything. It's not always a bad feeling mind you, but there are many MANY times where I feel like I can't say how I'm actually feeling or it will just upset everyone every time. Like I am not allowed to be upset about anything, or when it is a positive feeling, like it's almost always ignored, or even discouraged, because they just don't have the time or energy. Again that's not always what's actually said, most times I'm left handing for days, and that's how it feels.
I feel caged and like I'm not allowed to fully express myself or BE myself regardless of people telling me otherwise, and that's why I feel like it's a lie. It might seem like a good idea to encourage someone by telling to be themselves, but unless the time and energy and environment for them to actually be themselves and be responsible for their own well-being is provided to them, the message might as well be read as fend for yourself rather and be for yourself. I don't think there's anything truly wrong with me and I've always tried to be everything I can be, and even also be and do for others as well, and I just don't feel like any of it ever really mattered. In fact, I've even had others tell me they never really thought I cared, when to me I gave everything I possibly could, and it's all because the one time I decide to express my dislikes and concerns on a situation, that's what happens. I just... I can't... What was it all for? If I can't even say one thing that's bothering me. All that time, just lost, because I was upset about something, rather than try to see and understand and take me seriously, they have to say something so cruel and crushing.
Anyways... I'm just... I don't know where I am anymore...
Don't know how to feel about people anymore...
Posted 3 years agoYou know, I'm really starting to dislike the people at my work. Grown ass adults acting like teenagers, or worse. Someone I thought was cool for quite awhile turned out to be a total slimeball. He usually works the oven, but he was working on the make line with me and another co-worker today because we had too many oven workers, and not enough make line workers. He knows what he's doing on the make line, but I got to listen to him and the other co-worker actually chat today, and I was nothing short of disgusted. Joking about autism, and saying that "Honestly though, I kinda like being a dick to people, I really do." Like WTF?
I wanted to say something about it, but lately whenever something like this or anything else that stirs my feelings comes up, I just let it go because I know saying something at work is only going to make the job get out of hand. They wonder why I'm quiet most of the time and don't care to socialize with them outside of work, this is why, and worse of all, my personality, and the fact that I'm quiet most of the time gets me teased a lot.
Now, I get where a lot of this comes from. The teasing usually comes from my place of fun and curiosity, as they have said many times that they like me and think I do a great job. As for the really ugly comments and jokes that weren't directed at me personally, those probably come from a place where that person has just plain given up caring about life or anything, and I hate it. Nothing makes me angrier inside especially when someone like me, who struggles with ADHD and likely some partial autism myself, has to hear that sort of stuff. I'm sick of keeping my mouth shut and trying to be the better adult about it.
The thing is, it's like this everywhere I go. Everyone and everything seems jaded and muddled with this kind of attitude. I don't understand my own generation and even every generation around it. It seems prominent in everything, and I can't take it anymore. I'm lonely, and I just can't seem to find the right kind of people for me. I've even had to recently deal with someone I thought of as a friend for a long time, slowly make me feel more and more uncomfortable around them until I went and got psyche help for myself, only to try and tell them I needed more space and ended up immediately feeling disregarded, and then the moment I tried to distance myself from them, accused of being entirely selfish for it, and having to cut myself off from them completely. It really fucking hurts.
I can't keep internalizing all this stuff like this. Even when I try to speak up, I get shut down, treated like a joke, or told I'm weak. I don't know where to turn to anymore. Psyche help isn't going to make everyone around me be any better, it's only going to help me try and cope with it, but coping isn't enough anymore. I don't even really know how to engage with people like I use to because I'm so use to being trapped in my room all alone now, night after night. I might as well be in a cage.
If any of you online have ever viewed my as over enthusiastic for always trying get in on everyones fun, this is why. It's not meant to come off in a selfish way, it's simply because I don't understand the vast majority of society and many social interactions within it, and am miserably lonely most of the time. I just don't vibe the same way with most peoples sentiments, and can't find many whose sentiments I do. I seem to get turned on or judged purely by what people see here, and I don't think that's fair, for something that I like and thought others would want to enjoy with me, only to be judged so cruelly for it. For me, any time and any thing I can get with someone is a cherishable moment in time to me. I try my best to make anything worth someones while, but there never should of been any claim or counterclaim to it like that, and I only hear about it after it's far too late.
That's probably the main reason I've been so slow at maintaining my FA these days, because it's become so empty to me. I feel alone in everything that I am and everything that I do despite seeing it all around me all the time. Feeling utterly helpless to engage anymore, or afraid to even try for someone might hold it against me. It's happened at least a half dozen times or more now, and I don't want to keep doing this if this is were it leads. Anyways, sorry about all this. Kinda drew this out more than I meant to, but there it is. I don't really expect much of it. I just wish I could find the right kind of people for me.
I wanted to say something about it, but lately whenever something like this or anything else that stirs my feelings comes up, I just let it go because I know saying something at work is only going to make the job get out of hand. They wonder why I'm quiet most of the time and don't care to socialize with them outside of work, this is why, and worse of all, my personality, and the fact that I'm quiet most of the time gets me teased a lot.
Now, I get where a lot of this comes from. The teasing usually comes from my place of fun and curiosity, as they have said many times that they like me and think I do a great job. As for the really ugly comments and jokes that weren't directed at me personally, those probably come from a place where that person has just plain given up caring about life or anything, and I hate it. Nothing makes me angrier inside especially when someone like me, who struggles with ADHD and likely some partial autism myself, has to hear that sort of stuff. I'm sick of keeping my mouth shut and trying to be the better adult about it.
The thing is, it's like this everywhere I go. Everyone and everything seems jaded and muddled with this kind of attitude. I don't understand my own generation and even every generation around it. It seems prominent in everything, and I can't take it anymore. I'm lonely, and I just can't seem to find the right kind of people for me. I've even had to recently deal with someone I thought of as a friend for a long time, slowly make me feel more and more uncomfortable around them until I went and got psyche help for myself, only to try and tell them I needed more space and ended up immediately feeling disregarded, and then the moment I tried to distance myself from them, accused of being entirely selfish for it, and having to cut myself off from them completely. It really fucking hurts.
I can't keep internalizing all this stuff like this. Even when I try to speak up, I get shut down, treated like a joke, or told I'm weak. I don't know where to turn to anymore. Psyche help isn't going to make everyone around me be any better, it's only going to help me try and cope with it, but coping isn't enough anymore. I don't even really know how to engage with people like I use to because I'm so use to being trapped in my room all alone now, night after night. I might as well be in a cage.
If any of you online have ever viewed my as over enthusiastic for always trying get in on everyones fun, this is why. It's not meant to come off in a selfish way, it's simply because I don't understand the vast majority of society and many social interactions within it, and am miserably lonely most of the time. I just don't vibe the same way with most peoples sentiments, and can't find many whose sentiments I do. I seem to get turned on or judged purely by what people see here, and I don't think that's fair, for something that I like and thought others would want to enjoy with me, only to be judged so cruelly for it. For me, any time and any thing I can get with someone is a cherishable moment in time to me. I try my best to make anything worth someones while, but there never should of been any claim or counterclaim to it like that, and I only hear about it after it's far too late.
That's probably the main reason I've been so slow at maintaining my FA these days, because it's become so empty to me. I feel alone in everything that I am and everything that I do despite seeing it all around me all the time. Feeling utterly helpless to engage anymore, or afraid to even try for someone might hold it against me. It's happened at least a half dozen times or more now, and I don't want to keep doing this if this is were it leads. Anyways, sorry about all this. Kinda drew this out more than I meant to, but there it is. I don't really expect much of it. I just wish I could find the right kind of people for me.
Merry Christmas!
Posted 4 years agoMerry Christmas everyone! Hope you all had a good one! <3
How do you talk to a friend you've become afraid of?
Posted 4 years agoI'm dealing with a bit of a tough situation right now. There's someone I use to think of a good friend that just slowly started getting on my nerves more and more as time went on, but I was too afraid to tell them. I tried to, but I don't think my feelings came across clearly, or they were disregarded by them. I don't know how to tell the person they were making feel very uncomfortable, overwhelmed, and insulted, all the time, and I really don't think I have the mental strength to have that conversation with them and not be left feeling completely dismayed. Hell I didn't start believing that I had any mental problems until I talked to this person more, and I would of been much happier remaining blind to the situation, but they also have feelings, and I believed they were being serious. Then I had a mental break down, and I thought I was taking their feelings into consideration by looking into it, and when I did, and was told by mental health consulting that I was neurotic, but otherwise normal and stable, and that my reactions were more likely due to intense and unrealized emotional stress and shock. In other words, I wasn't recognizing my anxiety, as anxiety... and a lot of my emotional outbursts purely because of that, though that doesn't really make it that much easier. It just helped me to realize what I was feeling WASN'T healthy for me... and that I was feeling way it too often, and I broke down in an absolute ball of misery and depression for awhile when I started to realize.
I tried to give this person what time I could, I tried to make it work, but I can't do it anymore, and I don't know what to do now. Every time I'm around them now, I feel incredibly anxious and worried that I'm just going to be hurt again, and made to feel like that's illogical, and I just want to be left alone by them and not have to deal with any of the nasty consequences. I believe the friendship was important to them and I genuinely wanted to make it work, but I don't know if they'd understand, and I can't keep hiding my feelings like this. I just have no idea how to say anything because I'm afraid of the backlash. If anything, I hope they see this and just, please, leave me alone. It's hurts enough already to be doing this, I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed, but I'm just too slow and emotionally fragile it seems. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. I don't believe you do it intentionally, nor do I believe you were a bad person, but I was subjecting myself to unhealthy amounts of stress being around you and I was lying about how I was feeling or that I was having fun because I didn't want to upset you. I also felt like what fun I was having or what I wanted out of the friendship was getting dangled over my head like I had to be there for you and push myself to do things out of my comfort zone before we were allow to engage in the things I like, but that's not a fair reciprocation coming at the expense of my feelings, and again it's my fault for not saying anything. I never wanted to be stuck in this loop of claim and counter claim, I never wanted to let you down. It's my fault for wanting something, and being willing to take at my own expense to provide for you, but not be clear about my feelings so that you came to expect it. I was willing to hurt and step outside of my comfort zone a little bit to try and make things worth your while, but only just a little bit, and I think I let it get of hand because for awhile it seemed to be working. I really don't know what else to say. The feelings piled up, and it just seemed like things were becoming conditional. I started feeling sick to be around you, and I didn't and still don't know how to handle it. I don't want to hear from you because I just don't want to feel my heart sink like that again. Never again. I'm sorry.
(Side note, I've disabled comments because I would prefer not to start a conversation here and/or want actual help from someone who might be able to mediate, henceforth please send any comments directly to me via notes or messengers... Thanks...)
I tried to give this person what time I could, I tried to make it work, but I can't do it anymore, and I don't know what to do now. Every time I'm around them now, I feel incredibly anxious and worried that I'm just going to be hurt again, and made to feel like that's illogical, and I just want to be left alone by them and not have to deal with any of the nasty consequences. I believe the friendship was important to them and I genuinely wanted to make it work, but I don't know if they'd understand, and I can't keep hiding my feelings like this. I just have no idea how to say anything because I'm afraid of the backlash. If anything, I hope they see this and just, please, leave me alone. It's hurts enough already to be doing this, I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed, but I'm just too slow and emotionally fragile it seems. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. I don't believe you do it intentionally, nor do I believe you were a bad person, but I was subjecting myself to unhealthy amounts of stress being around you and I was lying about how I was feeling or that I was having fun because I didn't want to upset you. I also felt like what fun I was having or what I wanted out of the friendship was getting dangled over my head like I had to be there for you and push myself to do things out of my comfort zone before we were allow to engage in the things I like, but that's not a fair reciprocation coming at the expense of my feelings, and again it's my fault for not saying anything. I never wanted to be stuck in this loop of claim and counter claim, I never wanted to let you down. It's my fault for wanting something, and being willing to take at my own expense to provide for you, but not be clear about my feelings so that you came to expect it. I was willing to hurt and step outside of my comfort zone a little bit to try and make things worth your while, but only just a little bit, and I think I let it get of hand because for awhile it seemed to be working. I really don't know what else to say. The feelings piled up, and it just seemed like things were becoming conditional. I started feeling sick to be around you, and I didn't and still don't know how to handle it. I don't want to hear from you because I just don't want to feel my heart sink like that again. Never again. I'm sorry.
(Side note, I've disabled comments because I would prefer not to start a conversation here and/or want actual help from someone who might be able to mediate, henceforth please send any comments directly to me via notes or messengers... Thanks...)
Con cruuuud...
Posted 4 years agoI'm back from MCFC and I had a blast, but now I'm sick. xD I'll post some things later when I'm feeling better!
Who's going to MCFC?
Posted 4 years agoI'll be there with my roommate
expandranon and one other friend! Gonna be the con to debut my new hyena skunk fursuit. <3 Surprised this is the first time I'll be getting out to MCFC too despite having lived in the area for like 8 years now. xD Didn't have a good opportunity to the first few years, then the virus hit so that delayed it at least another year. Was worried it wouldn't be happening again this year, but looks like it's on and I'm vaccinated! So ready! ^^
If you're gonna be there and would like to meet, hit me up on messengers or just find me at the con. I shouldn't be too hard to spot. xP

If you're gonna be there and would like to meet, hit me up on messengers or just find me at the con. I shouldn't be too hard to spot. xP
Meh, can't sleep.
Posted 4 years agoI keep having this recurring problem and I don't know what to do. I don't know why I can't shake this. I just can't stop thinking about some of the people that have ghosted me before. I haven't pestered any of them asking why, maybe only tried to message them 3 or 4 times over the last decade. I still see them active. I just, I don't understand. I'm hurting inside so much and I need help. I can't keep waking up in the middle of the night ready to cry.
New fursuit!
Posted 4 years agoI'm excited to announce my new fursuuiiit! I've been looking forward to him for some time. I might have mentioned it to some of ya'll a few times in the past, but some delays happened and we ended up changing the design in the end. I'm glad we did though, feels so fun embracing my two favorite animals together in one big pungent ball of joy! x3 If you haven't seen the pictures yet, go check out my gallery! But I also saved the best for last! A video of him in action! :D
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8aApZkRDoJs
He's surprisingly easy to put on and move around in. He's actually lighter than my other two fursuits despite those big ol haunches and tail! The makers really did an awesome job on him! If you don't know by now, I've gotten all my fursuits from the same maker. This guy is another from the talented people over at
morefurless
I'm not sure if I'll be getting anymore in the future though, at least not regular fursuits anyways. My closet is full to the brim with cute fluffy goodness now! It's a dream come true! <3 Thank you all so much again for the awesome work and support over the years! Hope to have many more to come! <3 <3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8aApZkRDoJs
He's surprisingly easy to put on and move around in. He's actually lighter than my other two fursuits despite those big ol haunches and tail! The makers really did an awesome job on him! If you don't know by now, I've gotten all my fursuits from the same maker. This guy is another from the talented people over at

I'm not sure if I'll be getting anymore in the future though, at least not regular fursuits anyways. My closet is full to the brim with cute fluffy goodness now! It's a dream come true! <3 Thank you all so much again for the awesome work and support over the years! Hope to have many more to come! <3 <3
Stuck on bad feelings...
Posted 4 years agoThis actually relates to my last journal, but what are you suppose to do about unresolved pain? I don't know how to make these feelings go away. I keep thinking about people from my past, wondering why some treated me like they did, and why others simply won't talk to me anymore. I've tried reaching out a few times to them over the last few years, and just got nothing. I know some of them are still active... There were a couple I fought with, because they made me feel like I wasn't good enough to be their friend, but it's more so the ones I never fought with that leave me puzzled the most. I still think about them, but the memories I cherished about them start to hurt when I know they are there and just won't talk to me anymore. I'm filled with self doubt because I feel like I did something wrong by them, or wasn't good enough for them either, but rather than talk to me and let me go, they just went silent. At least some of those people who really chose not to like me had the good sense to say it. It's those that don't say anything actually hurt more, because I can't stop thinking about them and wondering what happened, hoping it was just some mistake we could of worked out. I feel abandoned and I don't know what to do about it. Even after 10 years I missing their friendship, I still find myself wondering about them and hurting for it. I've tried to surround myself with new friends, to help get me through it, and there are some older friends I still talk with, that I know will still be there if I need to chat, and know I would be there for them too if they wanted to as well, but there's still a couple folks out there that I'm desperate to hear from, because they really did mean a lot to me, and I'm sorry if I bored them or angered them or let them down in some way, and wish they would at the very least tell me if this is the case.
What do you do when you miss someone who doesn't miss you...
Posted 4 years agoI feel like I did a journal like this a few years ago, but I'm still having these ugly feelings and I don't know what to do about them. Things never use to be this way, but over the years, more and more people I use to know just seem to stop talking to me without ever giving me any reason why. I feel like perhaps I've been the victim of some kind of bad publicity without ever having been given the chance to give my side of the story, if I even had a side in anything that's happened. All I know is that there are at least a few individuals now, whom I cherished very much, who for whatever reason, just simply won't talk to me back. I can see that they are active, and it's not like I'm pestering them. When we were still actively talking, at one point or another, a couple weeks would go back, I'd message them with no response, couple more weeks, again no response, couple months, still no response, couple more months, still nothing, and then messaging or nothing them a maybe 3 or 4 more times over the years, asking if we could reconnect, and still, nothing.
I just... I don't understand, maybe they didn't feel the same? Maybe they just moved on to new friends? Or maybe I did something really wrong and simply never got told? I don't know what or how though, and I thought, most if not all of these people would be adult enough to talk to me if there was a problem or other. All I know is I find myself looking back on some of the fun conversations and things we've done, seeing them still active, and feeling absolutely miserable and longing to be a part of their life.
Perhaps I didn't pester enough even, I have been guilty of not talking enough to some folks simply because I don't always have that much of interesting things to say outside of work, art ideas, and a little bit of gaming. I worried that maybe, they had just found better or more interesting friends, not wanting to hurt my feelings, not realizing that saying absolutely nothing at all as left me in a nightmare of misery and wondering as to why all these years later. I don't know how not to care. It hurts a lot, but I'm also not one to compete either. It's one of the many reasons I haven't been doing more here art wise, because a lot of times I feel like I'm competing for my spot in a chance to get something, and I simply don't like that.
I don't really use Twitter anymore for those reasons because Twitter actually made me feel all these things above at a much more accelerated rate. I felt more lonely and at odds with others using it than not, but I honestly don't feel much better IRL. People I meet IRL seem to think I'm cute and fun and likable, or so I thought, but they're never the ones to call, I never use to be this poor of self esteem, I use to just try and do for myself and anyone cool who came along was just part of the joy, but after years of this, coming and going, it's just become harder and harder because the fear of abandonment and/or need to struggle for someone with no guarantee that anything would ever come of it has become too real, but I can't keep siting here watching the world go by. I don't what I have to do to get together with others again. All I know is the last several people I've attempted to reach out to, maybe only one of them actually got back to me.
Any I'm not saying that I'm completely alone, I have meet a couple more really good people, and a couple have responded, it's just a vast majority don't, like 90% of the attempts seem to fail and I end up sitting here by my lonesome, daydreaming, hoping, night after night. It doesn't make me feel good about myself. I don't know if I should keep trying or not, but then what else would there be? I'm so low on spirits and I don't know how to muster myself anymore. If by chance you are someone I use to talk to and haven't said anything in a long while, or actually happen to be upset at me. Talk to me, please just talk to me. I really don't know. I'd feel better if I at least know if that's the case and if possible, what's going on in your lives. I still thinking about most everyone I've ever come into contact with, I look through my own gallery almost weekly and reflect on all these wonderful people that were in my life. I just wish a lot of them were still there for me. Very few ever upset me, but I'm feeling like I somehow upset all of them without ever knowing, or maybe this is just how most online friendships swing, but I thought at the very least they would always still be there to chat. This silent treatment really really sucks...
I just... I don't understand, maybe they didn't feel the same? Maybe they just moved on to new friends? Or maybe I did something really wrong and simply never got told? I don't know what or how though, and I thought, most if not all of these people would be adult enough to talk to me if there was a problem or other. All I know is I find myself looking back on some of the fun conversations and things we've done, seeing them still active, and feeling absolutely miserable and longing to be a part of their life.
Perhaps I didn't pester enough even, I have been guilty of not talking enough to some folks simply because I don't always have that much of interesting things to say outside of work, art ideas, and a little bit of gaming. I worried that maybe, they had just found better or more interesting friends, not wanting to hurt my feelings, not realizing that saying absolutely nothing at all as left me in a nightmare of misery and wondering as to why all these years later. I don't know how not to care. It hurts a lot, but I'm also not one to compete either. It's one of the many reasons I haven't been doing more here art wise, because a lot of times I feel like I'm competing for my spot in a chance to get something, and I simply don't like that.
I don't really use Twitter anymore for those reasons because Twitter actually made me feel all these things above at a much more accelerated rate. I felt more lonely and at odds with others using it than not, but I honestly don't feel much better IRL. People I meet IRL seem to think I'm cute and fun and likable, or so I thought, but they're never the ones to call, I never use to be this poor of self esteem, I use to just try and do for myself and anyone cool who came along was just part of the joy, but after years of this, coming and going, it's just become harder and harder because the fear of abandonment and/or need to struggle for someone with no guarantee that anything would ever come of it has become too real, but I can't keep siting here watching the world go by. I don't what I have to do to get together with others again. All I know is the last several people I've attempted to reach out to, maybe only one of them actually got back to me.
Any I'm not saying that I'm completely alone, I have meet a couple more really good people, and a couple have responded, it's just a vast majority don't, like 90% of the attempts seem to fail and I end up sitting here by my lonesome, daydreaming, hoping, night after night. It doesn't make me feel good about myself. I don't know if I should keep trying or not, but then what else would there be? I'm so low on spirits and I don't know how to muster myself anymore. If by chance you are someone I use to talk to and haven't said anything in a long while, or actually happen to be upset at me. Talk to me, please just talk to me. I really don't know. I'd feel better if I at least know if that's the case and if possible, what's going on in your lives. I still thinking about most everyone I've ever come into contact with, I look through my own gallery almost weekly and reflect on all these wonderful people that were in my life. I just wish a lot of them were still there for me. Very few ever upset me, but I'm feeling like I somehow upset all of them without ever knowing, or maybe this is just how most online friendships swing, but I thought at the very least they would always still be there to chat. This silent treatment really really sucks...
Things about me!
Posted 4 years agoI felt like writing this just because I want people to know more about the real me and I'm not sure I've conveyed alot of these things in the past, so yeah, here it is. xP
I actually don't like long stories and tend to skim them when presented to me. I like to roleplay, but most of my actual reading is on technical things, like plants and animals, nutrients and medicines and ingredients in things, computer specs, how different architectures work, anything I'm curious to learn about.
I don't follow the news and most would say I live in a news blackout. I'm very unopinionated about politics and alot of things I have little control over.
I don't listen to music. That isn't to say I don't like music, but I don't need it as a part of daily life. I can listen to any genre, but I prefer things without lyrics. Aside from a few songs, most lyrics I either can't understand, don't relate to, or simply don't really like or agree with. I love different cultures, but I'm often not a part of them.
The punky look I often wear is merely because I actually like the style and aesthetics, not because I am punky in personality. I don't do it to look intimidating, and I'm actually incredibly soft hearted and sensitive.
I was bullied as a kid and well up into adulthood and still sometimes even today. Outside of roleplay, I actually don't like being teased, even if it's not meant in a bad way, it makes me uncomfortable and gives me the wrong impression about a person. I like people in their most natural state, when they aren't trying to poke fun or make themselves look better than they are. More than likely, I will like you just for you, especially if you are sweet towards me.
I really like hairy things. I don't know why, the fuzzier the better. >///>;
I'm an investor and actually really good at saving money. I'm pretty frugal in my budget and rarely buy on impulse. My buying is usually very calculated, and I tend to wait on things I want. I've never had a credit card or had any debt. I work a minimum wage job however so saving is slow. I'd like to do better and probably would go back to school, but I'd rather have my bases covered first and would like to avoid needing a loan for it.
I don't use social media and group chats much because it actually makes me feel more lonely. I often feel like I'm just there and would much rather prefer one on one time with people.
I really love arts and crafts and wish I had a group of nearby friends that liked to do that sort of stuff.
My favorite drinks are cola (caffeine free), milk, and lemonade, but my absolute favorite is chocolate milk. I don't buy it often though because it's pretty fattening and I can easily drown myself in it. I don't drink anything alcoholic though because while it sounds fun, I absolutely despise the taste. I've tried a few different things and absolutely hated them all. I've only been drunk once in my lifetime. I also don't drink caffeine. I use to, but it has no effect on me what so ever and never has, so I quit it in the logic that no caffeine would probably be better for me even though I don't feel any different without it. :p
I've had some pretty cool dreams, I especially like the ones where I am a particular animal. I've felt what it's like to run on all fours. I don't know how my brain does it, and I've not heard of it from searches I've don't, but I absolutely love it when it happens. My dreams are often kind to me.
I have been hypnotized before, it's really fun, but it's actually only a rare occurrence for me despite how often I get it in art. This is mostly because I like the person I am in real life too, so while it's nice to fantasize about, I likely wouldn't ever completely change myself in this lifetime I think.
I'm not very competitive. I don't like most competitive games and prefer softer things just for the sake of having alittle fun and exercise, like disc golf or soccer. Video game wise, more simple casual based games like card games or Mario party or stuff like that. Aside from that I like co-op, creative, or puzzler style games and dungeon crawlers.
I'm a hyena, but if hyenas weren't a thing, my second choice would be a skunk! I really love a ton of different animals though. There's a bunch I could happily be!
I don't watch TV or movies very much at all, and what shows I do keep up with are mainly through the internet. The shows I've watched the most of are probably Star Trek, Naruto, and One Piece. One Piece in particular is a huge favorite. The storyline and characters are absolutely fantastic to me. I've watched the entire series of that all the way up to the current. Holy cow 20 years and 959 episodes it's up to now! Other than that I just tend to poke random Youtube videos. :p
My parents don't know I'm furry. My Mom would probably be okay with it as long as I'm safe and happy, but my Dad would probably be a little WTF. I'm on good terms with my parents though and love them very much, so I think I prefer not to tell them. Besides, it's not like they didn't keep secrets from me too. >;p
I'm alittle nosey. I like to know what's going on and love to hear people's personal stories. I've been guilty of eavesdropping on people, but I don't share people's secrets. More often than not, it comes from a place of caring and I'd simply like to know more about the people around me. I don't judge, life just kind of happens.
I'm not really a fan of guns. I think they could be fun purely for sport like target practice, shooting cans and clay discs and water balloons and such, but other than that I hate the idea of people just being able to carry them or any kind of weapon around. I don't like knives and swords for that same reason, only to have fun cutting boards and fruit and stuff. In an actual, non urban survival situation that's a different matter, but never in self defense against another person. If a person really wanted to hurt me, I'd rather them muster themselves at me hand to hand, or better yet, just talk to me. If someone told me they thought about robbing me, but didn't have the heart, I'd likely help them out and give them everything I could anyways.
I'm usually very kind in my words. I don't flame people or make them out as something they are not. I can only relay my feelings, but I'm very poor at controlling my emotions. I would never name call or hurt someone because I was angry, but I definitely would through a temper tantrum and probably break something else before giving up and crying. I absolutely hate confrontation and wish others would understand simple feelings of frustration and unfairness because I'm often not afraid to point those out even though they are almost never taken seriously.
On that note, I have a neurotic personality. I tend to feel my emotions much more strongly than others and can sometimes get overwhelmed by them. Happy or sad, I sometimes have a hard time remaining tactful under high amounts of stress or excitement and might act poorly on accident. I never mean to do any harm though and often feel awful about it afterwords. I realize it's illogical after, but I just can't seem to help myself during. It's almost entirely autonomous at times.
I can sleep in broad daylight. Light doesn't bother me one bit when trying to sleep, it's getting to sleep that can be hard sometimes. I'm not a light sleeper once asleep, but I find it hard to fall asleep if there are any noises or people around. I think I'd need a separate bedroom if I were ever in a relationship, but it wouldn't be for lack of trying first. :p
That's about all I can think of right now, I might add more later if they come to mind, but if you guys had any specific questions or thoughts. I'd be happy to answer! ^^;
I actually don't like long stories and tend to skim them when presented to me. I like to roleplay, but most of my actual reading is on technical things, like plants and animals, nutrients and medicines and ingredients in things, computer specs, how different architectures work, anything I'm curious to learn about.
I don't follow the news and most would say I live in a news blackout. I'm very unopinionated about politics and alot of things I have little control over.
I don't listen to music. That isn't to say I don't like music, but I don't need it as a part of daily life. I can listen to any genre, but I prefer things without lyrics. Aside from a few songs, most lyrics I either can't understand, don't relate to, or simply don't really like or agree with. I love different cultures, but I'm often not a part of them.
The punky look I often wear is merely because I actually like the style and aesthetics, not because I am punky in personality. I don't do it to look intimidating, and I'm actually incredibly soft hearted and sensitive.
I was bullied as a kid and well up into adulthood and still sometimes even today. Outside of roleplay, I actually don't like being teased, even if it's not meant in a bad way, it makes me uncomfortable and gives me the wrong impression about a person. I like people in their most natural state, when they aren't trying to poke fun or make themselves look better than they are. More than likely, I will like you just for you, especially if you are sweet towards me.
I really like hairy things. I don't know why, the fuzzier the better. >///>;
I'm an investor and actually really good at saving money. I'm pretty frugal in my budget and rarely buy on impulse. My buying is usually very calculated, and I tend to wait on things I want. I've never had a credit card or had any debt. I work a minimum wage job however so saving is slow. I'd like to do better and probably would go back to school, but I'd rather have my bases covered first and would like to avoid needing a loan for it.
I don't use social media and group chats much because it actually makes me feel more lonely. I often feel like I'm just there and would much rather prefer one on one time with people.
I really love arts and crafts and wish I had a group of nearby friends that liked to do that sort of stuff.
My favorite drinks are cola (caffeine free), milk, and lemonade, but my absolute favorite is chocolate milk. I don't buy it often though because it's pretty fattening and I can easily drown myself in it. I don't drink anything alcoholic though because while it sounds fun, I absolutely despise the taste. I've tried a few different things and absolutely hated them all. I've only been drunk once in my lifetime. I also don't drink caffeine. I use to, but it has no effect on me what so ever and never has, so I quit it in the logic that no caffeine would probably be better for me even though I don't feel any different without it. :p
I've had some pretty cool dreams, I especially like the ones where I am a particular animal. I've felt what it's like to run on all fours. I don't know how my brain does it, and I've not heard of it from searches I've don't, but I absolutely love it when it happens. My dreams are often kind to me.
I have been hypnotized before, it's really fun, but it's actually only a rare occurrence for me despite how often I get it in art. This is mostly because I like the person I am in real life too, so while it's nice to fantasize about, I likely wouldn't ever completely change myself in this lifetime I think.
I'm not very competitive. I don't like most competitive games and prefer softer things just for the sake of having alittle fun and exercise, like disc golf or soccer. Video game wise, more simple casual based games like card games or Mario party or stuff like that. Aside from that I like co-op, creative, or puzzler style games and dungeon crawlers.
I'm a hyena, but if hyenas weren't a thing, my second choice would be a skunk! I really love a ton of different animals though. There's a bunch I could happily be!
I don't watch TV or movies very much at all, and what shows I do keep up with are mainly through the internet. The shows I've watched the most of are probably Star Trek, Naruto, and One Piece. One Piece in particular is a huge favorite. The storyline and characters are absolutely fantastic to me. I've watched the entire series of that all the way up to the current. Holy cow 20 years and 959 episodes it's up to now! Other than that I just tend to poke random Youtube videos. :p
My parents don't know I'm furry. My Mom would probably be okay with it as long as I'm safe and happy, but my Dad would probably be a little WTF. I'm on good terms with my parents though and love them very much, so I think I prefer not to tell them. Besides, it's not like they didn't keep secrets from me too. >;p
I'm alittle nosey. I like to know what's going on and love to hear people's personal stories. I've been guilty of eavesdropping on people, but I don't share people's secrets. More often than not, it comes from a place of caring and I'd simply like to know more about the people around me. I don't judge, life just kind of happens.
I'm not really a fan of guns. I think they could be fun purely for sport like target practice, shooting cans and clay discs and water balloons and such, but other than that I hate the idea of people just being able to carry them or any kind of weapon around. I don't like knives and swords for that same reason, only to have fun cutting boards and fruit and stuff. In an actual, non urban survival situation that's a different matter, but never in self defense against another person. If a person really wanted to hurt me, I'd rather them muster themselves at me hand to hand, or better yet, just talk to me. If someone told me they thought about robbing me, but didn't have the heart, I'd likely help them out and give them everything I could anyways.
I'm usually very kind in my words. I don't flame people or make them out as something they are not. I can only relay my feelings, but I'm very poor at controlling my emotions. I would never name call or hurt someone because I was angry, but I definitely would through a temper tantrum and probably break something else before giving up and crying. I absolutely hate confrontation and wish others would understand simple feelings of frustration and unfairness because I'm often not afraid to point those out even though they are almost never taken seriously.
On that note, I have a neurotic personality. I tend to feel my emotions much more strongly than others and can sometimes get overwhelmed by them. Happy or sad, I sometimes have a hard time remaining tactful under high amounts of stress or excitement and might act poorly on accident. I never mean to do any harm though and often feel awful about it afterwords. I realize it's illogical after, but I just can't seem to help myself during. It's almost entirely autonomous at times.
I can sleep in broad daylight. Light doesn't bother me one bit when trying to sleep, it's getting to sleep that can be hard sometimes. I'm not a light sleeper once asleep, but I find it hard to fall asleep if there are any noises or people around. I think I'd need a separate bedroom if I were ever in a relationship, but it wouldn't be for lack of trying first. :p
That's about all I can think of right now, I might add more later if they come to mind, but if you guys had any specific questions or thoughts. I'd be happy to answer! ^^;
Posting some things soon!
Posted 5 years agoI've got a few things to post, but I'm probably going to spread them out alittle over a few hours to a few days this time. Trying to get back into things slowly but surely! >//>; Hope you all are doing well there and such! *squeakles!*
Nuuu! My Screen! D:
Posted 5 years agoMy computer monitor died in the middle of a game last night. Thankfully it wasn't a competitive game or anything. The spare I have is utter garbage though. It looks like I'm looking at a cell phone recording of a TV. xD Oh well, at least I got the monies to get a new one right now, but I can't go get it until tomorrow. It's kinda dumb how much you miss something once you don't have it. Probably not a good thing, but I'm eager to get back to it. It was only Minecraft I was playing, but I'm working on a really massive project right now. Suppose I can deal enough to mine more blocks I need, but this thing hurts my eyes. xD Anyways, hope you are all well there. I've been feeling a lot better in recent days, but I don't seem to have many peeps to chat with late at night. Chat me up sometime if you like, maybe if you want you could join the server I'm on too. A friend of mine runs it and it's awesome! Has the fancy shaders and such, and looks great when it's not viewed in the lowest res possible. xP
Bweee! My Turnips sold!
Posted 5 years agoI payed 99 per stack this week. It started out awful in the 30~50 range, but they just got all the way up to 186 per stack this evening, so I sold. If anyone else likes that price too though and has some to sell, just shoot me a message. ^^
Animal Crossing turnip prices.
Posted 5 years agoHoi! If anyone who plays could would be so kind as to check their prices, I recently bought a huge amount of them. I'll share some too if I can find a high enough price. :3