My new job is going great! My pawbs are alittle beat up from having them in water all day, but my boss and co-workers have all told me they thing I'm doing a good job, and the boss man said he'd likely train me on other stations and give me a raise in the next week or so once he's hired another dishwasher. It's really really helping my mood to be told I'm doing well and being appreciated though. I'm not feeling sluggish or depressed anymore. :3 Anyways, that's all! Take care all! Hope things are doing well for all you too!

So I started a new job recently. It's the same kind of work I was doing before making pizza, but this place is within walking distance so hopefully I can get the hang of this place and their work procedures, I can save abit of money if I can get a handle on it. It's definitely different than the last place I worked, but it's work I can do just fine. I've got the shittiest end of the stick though since I'm the newbie there. I don't quite like their computer system and I'm not use to it yet, but they do give breaks unlike my last job, so that's a plus at least. As far as health is concerned, I haven't had anymore major problems, so it seems the medicine I'm on is working. The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me physically, so I guess it really was anxiety related, I just wasn't use to the level I felt it and it scared me and made me worry I was sick. I'm hoping I can stay well and get back into a rhythm with this new job and make friends with everyone overtime. I just seem to operate better that way. I did start on some artwork too, but not sure when I'll finish some now. Kinda lazed out on it again when I went to group therapy and got on my meds. They made me really tired when I first started taking them, hopefully when I'm back into a rhythm I can ween off of them, but I plan to finish a thing or two this year. I haven't done any of my own art in quite awhile, but I did do some practice things recently and my skill still seems sharp. Perhaps I'll post those too. Anyways, just wanted to let you all know I'm alive and functioning I suppose. I'm still bewildered by this year. The last couple years have been hell with everything that's happened, and this year is just pouring it on even more, although technically I accomplished my both of my new years goals which were to start investing, and get a new job. So I'm not off my mark, just struggling mentally, but I'll get through it and take all the steps I need. Take care out there everyone! <3

I'm not sure how to say this, it's kind of embarrassing and also just... I dunno. I had a relapse in a lot of the symptoms I mentioned a month ago, and I've just been away from my computer alot more lately. At the time, I didn't realize what I was experiencing was full blown cabin fever/anxiety/depression, but I never imagined it could be this bad or come on this quick. I feel completely lost... I lost all joy for everything I use to love. I can't seem to concentrate on hardly anything. The second I get up every day and sit at my desk I'm like... I don't really want to be here. I don't know how to get through the next 14 hours at least that I need to be up in a day. If I try to nap it off anymore than that, it just gives me headaches and makes me feel worse, and I began to realize just how much I miss working. My job may of just been a trash job at a fast food joint, but... I liked my boss and I liked my co-workers. I feel like they cared about me, and I cared about them. I felt depended on, and despite that constant spiral of chaos and stress. I was happy. I was part of a team, and I've lost that... Everything has gone to shit there and everyone who use to work there is gone and I regret leaving. If I had any idea it would of taken the toll on me that it has, I never would of left. It's that bad that the anxiety and panic attacks I've been having are leading to seizure level events. I never imagined things could be this hard, and if I'd known this would happen, I would of risked staying. I'm still considering trying to go back and start over even as bad as things have gotten there, but I guess it depends on the next month or two...

I've been to the hospital a couple times already now, and they've enrolled me in a day program to go talk with a psychiatrist, and be around other people who are also struggling with these kinds of symptoms. I'll be able to talk to people and apparently they give lunch too. I'm really hoping this will help me and if what I'm experiencing really is just a case of severe cabin fever and work/social unfulfillment, at least then I can better understand what's happening to me and how to fight it, but I'm still worried that I'll never be able to go back to exactly how I was. When I said I lost all joy for everything, I mean everything. Gaming, drawing, cooking, walking, even smoking and... sexual habits, as embarrassing at that is to say, it's the truth. I pretty much quit all of it and can get little to no motivation or excitement or strength for any of it. I've been away from my computer quite a bit lately because I just can't bare to be here. I have so much free time and no when to put it, even just sitting here right now trying to type all this is making me feel a bit gross. I just want to go back... I know the virus outbreak isn't my fault, but I feel like I made a mistake and I feel like maybe even I was complacent in thinking things could go on like normal and now my entire life is upside down. I don't know how to cope, but hopefully this program I'm going to and a daily schedule will work for me. I can't seem to force it on myself, I can only seem to follow a schedule and keep any structure in my life when someone else is expecting and depending on me to do so...

Anyways... I'm sorry if I worry anyone out there. I still glad that there are people out there who I know still care about me, people who love me. I'll never forget about them and never do anything truly stupid to myself, but at the current moment, I'm absolutely shattered and in disarray. I'm so utterly distressed and I wish none of this had ever happened.

**EDIT** Positive note, first day of therapy went pretty well I think, and I'm in a good mood at the moment. I'm not feeling agitated to be at my desk at the moment, so I think I'll take an hour to work on some arts I'd started on earlier, but even if I do suddenly feel gross again, it's not too early for me to go to bed right now if I need to, so I feel like I can actually escape that way properly for once instead of oversleeping, but hopefully that won't happen in the next hour. xP

Apparently flowers will not spread onto custom patterns. You can make 100% transparent custom texture and display it on the ground around your flowers to create an invisible barrier to prevent them from spreading further once you're satisfied with what you've got. This is pretty awesome if you don't want a brick or stone or fence barriers around all your flowers or want to stop them from spreading on to dirt paths. Speaking of which, you can also inlay custom patterns into paths too. I made little pebbles to scatter randomly into my dirt paths to make them more fancy looking. I love this game for that. ^^

I'd like to get CS6 Photoshop and Illustrator again. It's my favorite version, but obviously I can't pay for it and need a cracked version of the programs. I feel stupid because the last time I lost them due to a computer crash, I meant to save the download files and crack instructions for reuse, and I forgot, and then my computer crashed again. x.x; I'm interested in doing some arts now and would like them back, but I need help getting them again if anyone knows a reliable source for them! I'm heading off for the night right now, but if anyone could comment or note me with the hook up details, I would be really grateful! Thanks! ^^;;

I didn't get to enjoy it actually. I've still been having a little trouble with my diet and exercise and sleep and such since being out of work. My arm and leg pain have gone away, so that's good, but weed doesn't seem to be helping me otherwise, so I think I'm just gonna cut back on it for a bit. Even so, I still have a bunch of goodies to post. A couple of these people know about and have been wanting to see, so I'm gonna post them in a little bit once I get some small texts written for them. Hope you all enjoy! :3

I no longer feel queasy and fatigued. My appetite and mood have started to improve too. I feel normal again. However, never again. I'm adhering myself to a diet and exercise and sleep regimen. I don't like it, but as long as I'm out of work, it has to be done. I'm responsible for myself. I'm not as young as I use to be and expecting to be able to continue to do all the things I was doing, and messing around with my sleep while out of work was clearly a bad idea. I should of started this the moment I was expect to be out, but I didn't and I really really skrewed myself up. From now on, I'm going to strictly take a minimum of 90 minutes of exercise per day, whether it be walking, cleaning, lifting weights, yoga, anything as long as I get at least that much, and I've started counting my calories and nutritional intake as well. The day I had my seizure, Easter dinner of all things, I took in maybe 3 or 4 times as much sugar and calories than I normally would have compared to recent days, and my body had been adjusting to being more sedentary, and was off my sleep schedule, AND I was feeling anxious around that time. I think all of that just absolutely threw me completely out of whack and I short circuited. My roommates are leaning on hyperglycemia, and it seems about right, because I could feel myself becoming confused and losing concentration before and after it happened, and that is a good sign of it. My Mom did test positive for diabetes, so, there's a chance I'm predisposed for it, but I've never had that violent a reaction. I've had seizures before, but never for that reason, I've never even been shakey from high or low blood sugar. The only other times I've had a seizure, one time was from overexertion, one time was from too intense of a roller-coaster, and a couple times from food poisoning. None of which I've fainted from, but holy shit is it an experience. If you ever find yourself in this situation, fight, because it is extremely dangerous if you lose consciousness. I haven't before, but lemme tell you, it's one of life's harsher experiences. That just about tore my soul apart. I will get better though. I promise you all that! I love life and I love having people who care about me and whom I care for back. When it happened, the only thing that was coursing through my head was my roommates, I just had to see them. During that crisis mode, they were all I could think about. What if I never see them again? What if they never see me again? I don't want that for them and I don't want that for me. I want to live and I will do whatever it takes. Still, when the opportunity arises to go see a doctor, I am. It's been almost 18 years now and the last time I went was just for a checkup and vacs. I've never actually been hospitalized for any reason, so, this was extra scary for me. I felt broken, physically and mentally. I've never felt so drained and afraid. It's unbelievably daunting, so that's why I say, if you do ever find yourself in that situation, YOU have to fight it and put yourself back in order, your body can't do it all it's own. What you set yourself to consciously does matter in life. It has to or we would all just melt away. x.x; Anyways, the bottom line is, I am feel better and I am going to take care of this. I still have so much more I want to do! <3

Just wanted to let you guys know I'm doing okay. Slowly been feeling better and better since the seizure I had a couple days ago. It really seems to have been some really bad chemical imbalance and anxiety insueing. I'm not use to this because it just seems to have snuck up me and I'm not normally down like that, but I slept quite a bit since it happened. Right now is the first time I've woke up from a nap since it happened that I don't feel entirely weak and sick and on edge, but I'm still gonna take it slowly until I feel 100% better. Thanks for everyone who's stuck around me during though. I really needed that, thank you all! <3

I'm feeling better now that I've slept a bit, however before I managed to get to sleep, I suffered a MASSIVE adrenaline attack and had a seizure in front of all my roommates, which just fed back into itself, into myself. Sometimes I feel... broken, like I did something wrong, mentally, physically, or emotionally, and possibly even experiencing anosognosia when I can't find answers. I hate that they had to see that and it kinda made it worse in the moment and I could still feel the adrenaline even as I started to calm down.

Thoughts and emotions rarely seem to make logical sense. Sometimes they don't seem productive at all even though I know that's normal and they're necessary, but sometimes, some thoughts are and feelings are miraculously difficult, and they come all there own. It was probably a combination of things. Diet and exercise and sleep changes because I've been around of work. Sexual frustration as I have a hard time finding and meeting people and also trying to discover myself more too, all that coupled with what passed my mind.

It's almost like I can feel the two halves of my brain, talking to each other, planning, trying to get my through life happily, and I am happy, but there's darkness all around. I'm sure everyone has had thoughts about the inevitable end we all have to face. If you've ever had that thought and felt a little sinky in the heart at the idea, it was basically like that, except it sparked a full fight or flight panic attack and adrenaline rush to the point my body was almost ready to shut down from it in response. All I know is I could hear myself in my head, and it's like my brain just started screaming out, I'm dying, I'm dying! x.X;

Of course I know I wasn't actually dying, internally, it was like logical side was trying to convince illogical side, noooo you're not actually dying, your just thinking about it and scare of the inevitable end, presumably because I AM having a good life despite all the little problems, and it hurts. I don't want any of this to end. I worry about sometimes tomorrow being the last day or suddenly looking any of my roommates, it's terrifying, and it's shocked me.

It also probably doesn't help that I was worried about my body too. I went for a bikeride a couple days ago, and I think I may of pushed it too hard and gave myself mild neurogenic shock from working my legs to the point they simply gave out, then wondering why my lower right back, arm, and leg were feeling like they were asleep, but not paralyzed. That condition has been getting better too, so it was just a strain, but that in and of itself scared me into those thoughts, and of course there's no way I can see a doctor right now with what's happening in the world, I don't even have health insurance either nor have I been to doctor in almost 18 years now. Last time I went was 16 and that was just for a checkup. Since then I've always taken care of everything myself, as far as I know, I've never had any health or mental ailments, so it just makes some of this all that much tougher for me. I don't like our healthcare, and if I really had of needed hospitalization, that could of been it...

Anyways, I'm feeling okay now, but I might need to start keeping a log of my thoughts and where they take me and basically making a mind map so I might can see where there are some trouble spots. People say I should go see a shrink, but I wouldn't be any better at telling them whats wrong than you guys since I can't seem to fully sort my thoughts and feeling sometimes. x.x; I'm better typing than actually talking most of the time. ><

I found this video on YouTube, and this is literally how I am and how I've felt in past relationships for anyone that might be curious.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2zkUSC-Zm4

I have to say this, but I've realized that I am an emotionally avoidant person, but I still don't know exactly how to put it. I've worried very much that people do see me as egocentric, but that's simply not how it is. I want to give to others the best I can, but I'm also afraid to join them often in real life, sometimes even online, and even in some more basic human desires like music or dancing or drinking/smoking, not just sexual. I can't seem to get my heart into that sort of action that often at all actually, it's rarely actually appealing to me, especially in the company of others, I prefer to be in my most natural state all the time, and sometimes I worry that I'm missing some point when I try to have fun. It's not to say that I can't feel that way for someone or something, but I think for me, I just want someone there nearby, someone that I can go to occasionally, or that can come to me occasionally, more of a friend than anything else. I've found that even in a relationship, I still need my own room, my own bed, and my own time to myself, in fact I'd really only want a couple hours of contact with someone every other day to every other week.

I feel stupid saying all this now though. I know that I've hurt a few people in the past because of how I am, and at the time, I was still young, and I didn't know what I actually wanted, and I didn't know how to feel, and I didn't know how to put any of this into words before. I didn't know I had those boundaries. After being around people enough I've found that I absolutely cannot sleep with other people. Just the conscious thought of another person in my presence is enough to put my mind into high gear, and I don't think it's a simple trust issue. I'm literally afraid and uncomfortable by it. Even touching and cuddling with someone is sometimes difficult for me. x.x; I don't mind some, but I get uncomfortable by it quickly, as many things actually. It's weird and I kinda hate it, but I have poor a attention span too I guess. <:(

Even more so now I feel foolish, I want to cry thinking back on it. If I had known what I know now, I wouldn't of had those relationships. I wasn't ready, I really truly didn't mean to hurt anyone, if I've hurt you and you happen to be reading this. I do legitimately wish I could connect to people better, but this is just who I am inside and who've I've always been. I've been trying my best to be more outgoing, but the truth of the matter is at my core, I'm terrified to be hurt. I just want to relax and be cozy and mellow. I don't mind taking on some responsibly or putting in effort, but I really am afraid to have my emotions stirred, and I like to take things slowly. I feel everything really intensely and sometimes it's simply difficult on the mind. It happens when I literally feel any feeling past a certain degree, even when I get excited too. I've hurt myself or knocked over expensive things like a retard in my excitements too. I don't think. I'm basically like a lap dog. x.x;

I'm also horrible at multitasking, I can't even type to someone and focus on literally anything else, in fact I have nothing else open right now either. I always write these things with no other distractions going on, or I'd never get through it. Whenever I do ANYTHING, my focus is entirely on that usually unless I state ahead of time I'm already in the middle of something else, but when I'm actively talking with someone or playing a game, or anything like that, I'm 100% there and I really do feel uncomfortable when I back away, because sometimes I do feel anxiety to engage. Sometimes I'm not sure I'm 100% ready to engage, and I also have phases where there are definitely sometimes a couple weeks or so where I'm simply not interested at all. =/

Anyways, I wanted to get all this out because I've been thinking about it and I think I've been confusing a few people by having/doing some of the eccentric things I do, yet always being so distant, and fair part of me does actually like a good amount of distance, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to be entirely distant, it's just hard to for me to keep up all the time and I'm not always sure how to approach people and I worry that people don't think I care sometimes. I do, I'm just really poor at showing it I guess. :c

I quit my job today... they are choosing to ignore my states stay at home executive order. I won't disclose what job or any of that, and for anyone who knows me and where I work, I ask that you don't mention names or specifics either as I would still like the job opportunity when if things get better, unless by chance I'm able to find something better, but today I went in expecting to remove as much inventory as possible and buckle down the store to be closed. We are a food service business and definitely not essential, but they want to try and play it by the mouth and do things as we go and told them no. I told them I was willing to finish today since the order isn't effective until midnight today, but unless they could guarantee me they were allowed to operate under the order, went to credit only, had no customers in the store, and would limit our crew count to 5, as they stated they were going to try, I might of stayed, but I immediately got mixed info, conflicting messages, and odd signals and feelings of frustration about all of that from multiple employees, two of which were already coughing, so I walked out... I told them this isn't a joke unless they can restructure and meet those demands BEFORE putting us back into that environment, that I wouldn't be back. I don't even know how they're going to be allowed function now though, I'm being told by a few people that if they remain open, they'll most certainly be flagged and fined right away, and I don't want to be a part of that either. It's dangerous and scary, and they should of been using their time to close down today, but I would of stayed on that if they had shown to be competent in their intended plan, and they simply were not to me, so I left, needless to day, my heart just took a hit. I'm wildly stressed out right now. I'll have to deal with the prospect of being jobless AND potentially not having one to go back to after. :c

At any rate, please be safe out there everyone! This virus isn't anything to joke about. :c

Here it comes... going to start posting some of those arts I said I'd been hoarding, but I'm going to be starting with some that might be "tasteful" of a subject, but it's been something at the cornerstone of my life lately, and it's been nice, not just the art and having fun identifying and role-playing what I'm about to post, but also because the real life implications of the half of it has essentially cured the intense constipation and sword like pains I was having in my intestines, and soothed over aloooot over the massive massive woes from last year I've mentioned in previous journals, and it's just been absolutely relieving. I'm shy about it, but most of you can probably guess, and it might not come as a shocker at all, still, felt like a warning was needed, and this definitely and this isn't the only thing I have to post, but at the inspiration of a good friend, and definitely something I've oogled over aloooot the last couple years, I'm gonna start with this. I don't want curiosity to kill the cat on this one though... seriously. xD Still, I suppose if it's not your cup of tea and you watch me, a couple of the next few pics will include DRUG USE and be NSFW. You have been warned!

(Might actually still be a couple hours, I'm being slow, but I'm working on it. x3 Also for the matter of the old way of me marking some things, I some point I do still intend to go back and actually reorganize and move the different categories to specific folders, I've just been... slow... x3)

I've had a few people ask me if I've stopped posting forever, and the answer is no, I haven't, but the amount I get has slowed considerably. More or less, it changed in my priorities. I have a good stockpile that I've gotten over the last 2 or 3 years to post, but I honestly got a bit tired of the work and effort that sometimes comes with getting and posting commissions. That, and I've started to put my money in other places. I've been saving for awhile, and I just opened an investing account... so that's a thing, that and other real life things have been eating at my attention, but back on topic, no, I haven't stopped posting, and I realize it's been a whole year with nothing new from me. I honestly don't think I'm anything special, but I have had people say they like seeing some of the random things I get into, and if people enjoy it, that's all that matters.

However, I am going to have to start compromising on the posting details. I use to love writing out stories and little scenarios snip-its behind all the random events I get my character into. A few of my friends even made jokes where there's just a multiverse of Frisky all turning into something different. I'd gotten some good comments about my writing and ideas in the past too, but I just don't think I can keep up with that portion anymore. I am likely to post a bunch of stuff in the coming days though. I'll still try to provide keywords, link-backs to original artists, titles, and fullsize images where available, but otherwise I'm probably going to start leaving the full description of the images blank unless there is a very specific detail that needs to be pointed out.

Anyways, that's all for now, wish me luck!

Anyone else just absolutely hate HATE it when an automated service doesn't seem to work correctly? Now I have to talk to actual people who of course aren't actually there and are gonna make me wait a couple days. Come on people, I got new years resolutions to make! Also, HAPPY NEW YEAR! xP

Hope you all have a good one! :3 I'm gonna get the gift of sleep! x3

So, I take the same route to work everyday, and there's an interchange I go over almost every single day, today was not a good one. I hydroplaned coming around a bend, and the next thing I know is my car feels like it left the ground and I'm slanted and drifting into other lanes uncontrollably as the centrifugal force started carrying me...

And then absolutely nothing came of it. x.x I was trembling at what just happened and wasn't even fully aware yet. I managed to regain control and pull off to the side for a moment, but once I had a moment to recollect myself I realized that I had immensely lucked out. I was able to avoid the concrete impact walls, and not single car was coming off on the opposite interchange or I most definitely would of smacked into one going 65 miles an hour as I fish-tailed across 3 lanes. x.x;

Anyways, I'm alive, and no damage to me or my car thankfully, but holy fucking hell was that scary! I've hydroplaned and/or hit ice many times before, but never there, and never in the middle of rush hour traffic, there are always so many cars that come around both bends, so I honestly don't know how I came out that unscathed. The universe was merciful to me today. xx;

Hope you had a good one! This little piggy stayed home, but that's okay! I'm perfectly content here. I wasn't at all feeling social and my roommates were making me a little anxious, so gave my other roommates pet rats Thanksgiving instead and cleaned their cage while doing so. xP

I'm still here! Live has just been a little different the last couple years. Some fairly heavy happenstances did occur that made things change a bit, but only indirectly at me, and I've not been sure how to feel about it all. Life has been full of distractions lately, many MANY distractions and internal struggles, I guess the best way to put it. I've been unusually introspectively lately, but I'm not sure what part of myself I'm actually trying to look at here. Frankly, I'm satisfied, I have nice roommates, I have most of the things I want. I've come to terms with some of the mistakes I've made in the past. I thought I wanted a relationship, but I don't think I do now. It was nice to dream about, but I think it was all for the wrong reasons, and I ended up hurting a few people over it. I realized that I need and prefer shorter contact, and want friendship more than anything else, neither of which I think I'm entirely great at, especially right now, but anyways, I'll just... make a list here:

So in this order, found out my Mom was completely rejected by my sister as family after she was forced to kick my sister out for not paying rent and destroying her house...

Then roommate fucked his leg up and was out of work for 10 months. I had to help with many things. Wheelchair him around. Take him to appointments for a small portion of that time, in the middle of winter... and I would do it again! Love you bud! <3

Other roommate/co-worker convinced me to "smoke" which made things more... interesting to say the least... That's all totally "fair and dandy" here now though so it's okay! ;p

Our basement flooded in April, that was a bitch to help clean up, and it happened right as I was about to go to bed before a long day of work. xD

My car insurance doubled because my previous insurer canceled my contract with them without warning, and by the time I found out, every insurer was like, oh you've been without insurance for 3+ months?! Well, seeing as how you have literally no tickets or accidents on the entirety of your 14 year driving record, clearly you are a delinquent and must be charged 4x the price.... x.x;

Broke a tooth and had a total computer crash in May. I lost my shit when my computer broke, I've never been more infuriated at fucking piece of software than I ever have been and ever probably will be again, windows updates has fucked my computer on so many occasions, and I'm usually good at resetting and fixing the updates, but it just would not have it this time and I couldn't get into my computer. :C Needless to say, windows updates no longer exists on my computer. I'll be manually checking/updating my computer from now on, because I'm tired of microsoft's bullshit. I know every computer is different, but for gods sake make some kind of timeout or skip operation. Literally nothing was wrong with the computer, I checked, it just wouldn't un-hang itself from that process no matter what I tried. :/


(Edit, I remembered another thing, my car broke down too!) xD

Found out my Mom has bone cancer... still not sure what to think about that...

And, there's actually more in there too I'm sure. I've actually made this list in conversations at work a few times now, and I always forget something, but yeah, things have been exceptionally heavy lately, yet somehow oddly I feel like I'm drifting away. If you don't catch me, I might blow away forever! But nah, I'm still here, I've just fallen off the bandwagon and maybe lost a little interest in maintaining my page as of lately, but rest assured, there ARE definitely still things happening in the background. I have and am still getting things I do inevitably intend to post, it's just not been a priority at all lately, and I guess that might be the main thing I'd have to say about all this. Basically, re-prioritizing with a little bit of self discovery involved. I'm okay, but I do get worried sometimes that I'm pulling apart from others a little, but then wondering why that's necessarily a problem in the first place... that sort of thing, but I'm more or less the same, just the order is a little different now, and honestly everything is still good. I could stand to get a slightly better job and maybe be a bit better at socializing, but that's honestly all that's really on my plate currently, everything else has more or less passed, but I'm not really looking forward to winter again. ><

So I looked up reviews for watermelon flavor Crush, and the reviews are terrible for it, yet oddly, I usually hate fruit flavored sodas with the exception of lime, even though neither are true to real life flavors of course, and I love it despite the bad reviews! It tastes like I'm drinking jolly ranchers. xD My roommate has occasionally told me there are some people whose palettes may occasionally judge something bitter, as sweet. Either way, I like it, but with a 2.2 rating it's unlikely to stick around. :p

Because I'm feeling in an absolutely positive and cheery mood at this precise moment in time and space, and I wanted to sunbeam at an everyone I could! You get a sunbeam! YOU get a sunbeam! EVERYONE GETS A SUNBEEEEAM! I Hope you all have a great and cheerful day, EVERY DAY! *strikes dramatic a pose* BOOOOOOSHH! xD Sincerely though! I wish you all great days ahead! <3 <3 <3

I was looking at some videos that brought up the whole Science VS Doctrine debate, and what is truth. This is what I thought...

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Honestly, I don't understand why people can't have more faith in each other and the things we do as living breathing beings, the only real things we can see. I have my ideas about the universe too, I want to imagine things, I want to believe in something just because I can conceive it in my head, something that sounds cool or right to me, but I can't prove any of that in reality other than it's a thought in my head. Thoughts can become reality though, easily in fact, from the mood we want, to the things want to say, to many of the inventions we have as a society currently, we could do anything if we put ourselves to it. Everything starts with an idea, a dream, but without others around us, our hearts and our beliefs could be no where. Even that though, is all merely only my belief and thought. The only thing I can really truly prove is when another individual is in right front of me, talking to me, and realizing their consciousness and ability to choose is no different from my own, our experiences wildly different and only partially under our control, our roles, our ideas, our everything, could just as easily be reversed, and yet, imagining someone else's experiences and thoughts and feelings, is much harder than my imagination of God, yet I know they have them. How could I ever say my thoughts are the right ones? We are the truth we make, and that's why I can't hate anyone, and I can't discredit anyone, even if the face of humanities most gruesome atrocities. I just wish we could come together and study each other more closely as individuals before trying to think of God or higher powers. In truth, I do believe in higher powers such as God, but I don't believe they will come to us. We have to build that future for ourselves, the one we truly want in our hearts and minds.

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I don't know what is truly right or wrong. All I know is that I cherish being able to have others around me in my daily life. Even though I know I'm not always that great. Even if I don't often show it all the time, and even if I've messed up and made people hate me from time to time, that's all just fine. Life is meaningless to me without this kind of pain, but I really truly do believe that society can progress, and I'm glad I can have this conviction in people.

I absolutely hate hate HATE windows updates. You want to know why? I've actually had windows updates crash my system more times than I've acquired viruses. This has got to be the 6th or 7th time now in my history of owning a computer of having windows update get stuck and refuse to budge on startup. It's so absolutely infuriating! I've done this so many times now I've gotten attuned to fixing it, or so I thought. I know how to clear the cache and data files, and even how to reset the registry and service files to put it back on track, I even cleared recent updates and did a system restore to an earlier point and after all that, it STILL refused to budge. I even plugged it into another computer, and did a memory check to make sure, and it was all fine, but it just wouldn't work. Even safe mode wouldn't boot, so I had no choice but to clean install. Everything, gone, AGAIN.... last time this happened was a couple years ago, and I've had a couple similar successful fixes since then too. I'm just soooo so fed up with bullshit like this though. This company makes how much money and they can't so much as put in a proper fail safe so that this shit doesn't happen to people. In my honest opinion, a system most definitely should be able to detect and bypass when a hang has occurred. It's not fair to pay for a OS and have this happen repeatedly, it's a joke that I might actually have to forceably restrict a built-in program, but I'm getting tired of this, and with windows 7 nearing the end of it's support anyways, I just want the service off for good.

Anyways my night is ruined, I'm so mad... and kinda disappointed too. I work very carefully to maintain my computer and educated myself on how. It's really defeating for me to have this happen, especially at the worst time. I was just sitting down to relax when it happened. On another note, I lost photoshop again too. I forgot to save the copy I had and now I'm not sure where to get it again. If anyone knows where I can potentially get that, let me know! I'm looking for photoshop and illustrator CS6 specifically. That's my favorite version.

Oh also, I realize this is my first journal in 7 months... my life has been a rollercoaster lately, not all bad, but I've kinda lost focus if not become quite disenchanted lately. It's become really hard for me to just... invest in making myself present. I don't why, but some friendly encouragement might help. I do still like to talk and have fun and what not, I've just had a really really hard time getting up the gumption to seek it out myself. IE don't be a stranger! I mean, I shouldn't either, and actually... yeah I've failed to respond to a few people actually I know. If you're one of those and are reading then, please, do keep trying. I don't mean to ignore people, it's not a personal thing in the least, it merely boils down to I just simply can't. I do see when people have left me messages, so I apologize when I forget or just can't muster up a conversation. Anyways, thanks if you read this far! At any rate, take care and be well! I will continue to struggle a bit more, like an autumn leave caught in a breeze. xD

I've been saving up a few pics for Skunktember this time around! A little late in the month, but better late than never! I can't believe it's already the 20th! I'm not going to post all of what I have right now, but the rest will follow in the next day or two! For now though, get ready for a little mini series! :D

I got enough friends in Pokemon Go to finish the quest I needed. If you still really want me to add you though, note me! I might not be able to send gifts to everyone though. I got quite a few now, but I couldn't progress without adding people. Hopefully there's not more like that later. Quests that make you add more friends are a little bleh. Not that I don't like having more friends, but eventually it would become harder and harder to get more people to add. xP

Henlo hyena, you stinky hyena, go smoke a cigar ugly.

*Cackles!* Joke aside, how you all doing? It's been seeming awfully quiet lately! *Whoops at all the things!* o w o