So now this'll be a Chikori-focused account while the other won't be, it'll be focused on my main sona and maybe any other sona I have. Don't worry, none of the non-Chikori art will be deleted, just put into the Scraps gallery.

LittleSoftTail

And nothing else, while having a secondary for my other sona(s) since that way I won't feel bad for not giving either attention.. >w>; I will admit that, sometimes, I may not focus on the species at all for a while and that's just me taking a break from them, but, I will focus on them when I can, and do plan to open for ref commissions on said species.

Which, this is where I'll ask, which one would you guys think would be most fitting for my main sona on that? o3o

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/45994872/ (Asher) / https://www.furaffinity.net/view/44986531/ (Beau)
--- I also thought about combining these two since they're, relatively, the same person ---


(Will have to re-draw one or both of them either way since files got borked from trying to save them when I was fixing this laptop)

I don't know why but I can barely work up the energy to do anything most days, and it frustrates me because I want to draw and play games but I can rarely do either. I don't really know the solution for this problem since caffeine has zero effect on me and I can't really go to a doctor to fix said problem since I am poor. So yeah, is pretty frustrating. =w=;

Rodent-like or Goat-like? (like what I have currently)

Goat-like may be more different but, would probably not make as much sense as rodent-like when it comes to evolution. Rodent-like however, may be harder to make look unique but I could ask for help from a close friend on that.

So, this is for you guys on that question. o3o

I often experience migraines and headaches, I used to rarely experience them, but as I reached my late teens it went from... every 2-3 days to.. nearly every day. It's gotten to the point where I permanently keep the brightness on my laptop and phone pretty low because my migraines are light-sensitive and flashing lights tend to give me a headache/migraine (also hurts my eyes, but you know) so a lot of videos on Youtube I kinda have to avoid or skip some parts to keep that from happening.

Due to this bit, I do wonder if I may be epileptic like my mum, she was diagnosed with epilepsy when I was a teenager, and her seizures were in the form of migraines so bad that she'd black out for a moment (which would cause her to get in a car wreck a lot) but I hadn't experienced migraines that bad yet.

So, sometimes, I encounter a person who'd yell "GET A JOB" at me or someone else when being frustrated about not being able to afford things, and if a person mentions they already do, that asshole would just yell "THEN GET ANOTHER JOB" like yes, that'll totally solve the problem. not everyone can get a job, and I hate that "get a job" phrase for it. I don't care if getting a job was easy for you, it's not easy for everyone and I can attest to that. I tried for 4 years with zero luck, had to deal with harassment, belittlement and just general insults from so many damn hiring manages and jobs, a couple of times, they tried to call the cops of me for literally nothing. I was just patiently waiting for them to be done with whatever they were doing, bought food/drinks so I wasn't mooching and stayed out of the way.

Gone through thousands upon thousands of applications and phone calls with absolutely nothing. I applied everywhere I could, and it didn't help that my ex's mother was yelling at me and breathing down my neck constantly. It was an extremely soul-crushing experience that left me homeless in the end because no one wanted to hire me.

Basically, just because it was easy for you, doesn't mean it will be for someone else. Difficulty in reality is different for each person, in game terms, some people are basically born into life on super easy mode, and some people are born into life on hell mode. I was born literally dying, pronounced dead 3 times by doctors, was heavily bullied at school while heavily abused at home, have physical and mental issues and was sexually abused/groomed from age 13-20. Not to mention the job shit I mentioned earlier. My life just is hard, and the thing is: It's fine if your life was easy, just don't project that shit on other people. Understand that some people struggle more than you.

I grew up with a negative view towards sociopaths, not because of anything a sociopath did, but because my family would outright call me a sociopath without even bothering to take me to a therapist or something to see if that's true. I know I am emotionally stunted, but I know I am not a sociopath. My family would call me a sociopath because well, as I said, I am emotionally stunted and this was due to said family themselves saying that "Men don't show their emotions" and whatnot. So, instead of showing my emotions, sharing my struggles and whatnot, I kept everything bottled up which made me feel rather numb to everything and I still bottle up everything but my mate has been trying his best to help me get rid of that bad habit.

That being said, my family would outright bully me and treat me like shit over this massive, serious assumption, always thinking I have malicious intent or alterior motives to everything like the time I accidentally broke my brother-in-law's present on Christmas when I was trying to help carry his stuff to the his car and immediately paid it back with my own money, my brother immediately accused me of being manipulative and doing it out of greed, yelling at me for it which caused me to break down and run to my room, locking it so people would leave me alone.

Due to how my family would call me a sociopath and how they treated me for it, I have to second guess everything I do and say because I worry I am accidentally being manipulative or something, hell, it's probably one of the main reasons why I am not sure if I want to open up for commissions.

Admittedly, when I got the idea for the Xandros, I did decide to make the Chikori center around them, since I felt like it would make sense for them to, at least, be responsible for producing the android species, I do admit that through all my efforts of changing the Chikori to my liking, I do still prefer the Xandros and even then, I plan to keep the Chikori around and use my Chikori as an alt sona, I may prefer one a bit more than the other, but still like them both. owo

Either way, even if the Chikori turn into more of a personal species, (since I've noticed way more people are interested in the Xandros) people are still allowed to make sonas of either species, I just ask to let me know if you do. o3o

Also, maybe once I gain more experience in programming/coding, I may consider doing a small RPG focused on both species and their solar system. I always wanted to do that but never can because of my lack of knowledge/ability to do so. So... maybe, one day, that can be a thing.

May know that the Chikori and Xandros are kinda my 5th or 6th attempt at making a fun species, but I have always been stuck on said design for years. Whenever I feel I am comfortable with a design, I end up starting to question if it's good or not, hence why the many, many changes. A few friends wanted me to bring back an older species that I worked on before I decided to start over fresh on here and FA, I know most of you are aware that I am Vexion, and I have considered going back to that species. That species being the Kiruta.

I decided to start over fresh to get away from some assholes who wouldn't stop harassing me no matter what I did. So sorry for the lack of notice on that part. I wanted to mention it sooner, but wanted to make sure that I wasn't at risk of that anymore. So, here I am. I just hope no one is mad or anything, never meant to upset. xwx

But yeah, I gave the Kiruta to a close friend and well, they had stopped working on said species, altogether, months ago so I've been considering asking them about it and see how they feel. If they didn't mind, I thought about converting the Kiruta into the Chikori.. I would keep their appearance the same, just have them fit into what I wrote down for the Chikori.

EDIT: They did say I can take back the Kirutas, so... I might do another edit of the Chikori species in a bit.

I have a friend who lives there and they're an artist, while they have decided to stop everything on art, I would ask to please support them in any way you can, they live in one of the cities currently under fire from Russia and I worry for their safety and with the possibility of them reading this, I know this isn't much, but I hope it helps.

Seferen

(also, will add more if I find out if any more of my friends live there, but yeah)

As many have heard by now, Russia decided to be the world's biggest asshole and start attacking Ukraine, despite everything. Russia's leader, Putin, has said that if anyone tries to help/save Ukraine, he will start nuking places and that worries me greatly because I don't know if Ukraine can handle this tragic situation on their own and I know we all have friends from there who are in great danger.

All I can hope for is that some kind of miracle happens and Russia backs off or something because I don't want to lose our Ukrainian friends.

Until I have a permanent replacement for my laptop, which... could be a while from now? A friend of mine did tell me they can send me one of their old laptops as a temporary solution until I can afford a more permanent computer/laptop since this laptop did have a BIOS crash/malfunction recently, and, I already knew I was taking quite the risk drawing stuff when I could lose all my work/progress any day.

If anything, what I might do, is just do a drawing or two every so often, then immediately transfer said drawings to a backup (same goes for everything else I have) but dunno.

I did enjoy drawing my bundroid and donkey though, plan to draw more of both of them eventually. >w>;

It's a shame since, right now, I have no way of getting a new computer, the stimulus money I had has been mostly used up at this point by Demir's mum, and the computer I want to get is expensive as all hell. Soo.. yeahhhh. Kinda really sucks.

Where governments want to limit how we use the internet more and more. How many times do we have to keep saying no to give them the idea that, maybe, just maybe, we don't want a bunch of old dudes spying on us 24/7 and fucking with our lives more than they already do? Most of us use the internet as an escape away from those shitheads.

Every 3-4 or even 5 years, they try to pass some stupid ass bill to limit our usage of the internet and it's just.. frustrating. Wish they'd learn to fuck off.

I..just struggle so much to talk to literally anyone online and when I try to, I always fuck it up in some way at some point. Like, for example, I'd joke around in a chat, and it would backfire heavily, making me look like a massive asshole when my intent was to make people laugh or when I talk about a subject and people take it the wrong way and sometimes, I'm just flat-out ignored in general.

I want to talk to people and want to socialize, but it just... seems like I can't. With my current mental state, any sort of negative feedback is highly likely to send me into an anxiety/panic attack and make me want to close myself off from everyone and everything. It often makes me feel like a terrible person.

I just want to let people know that I mean no harm and that I am just bad at social stuff, if anything I said was offensive or off-putting, I am sorry. I don't mean to and generally just wanted to have fun or talk about stuff.

Admittedly, I don't hate it, but I do hate it when it's like.. 99% of my convos. It is why I am, at least, asking you guys to please ask before you even attempt that with me. I do appreciate it if we did no ERP, but it makes me feel less uncomfy if you just ask.

I am VERY fucking shy and feel really bad telling people to stop or telling them no, so yeah, it makes it hard for me. Is like, yes, my sona's cute and lewd, but please try not to lewd me. Not every NSFW thing someone posts of their sona is an invitation to lewd/fuck. >w>;

Well, am active on both Discord and Telegram, but I can be slow at messaging at times. If anyone wants to talk to me, message me on either and let me know. owo

Discord: XionTheFluffyBundroid#8193

Telegram: (@)LittleSoftTail

(This is also to let those know that, please, don't Note me on FA, I am very likely not to see it so it is best to message me on Discord or Telegram)

I dunno what I am doing so, don't mind me, I am just being a derp. :u


Either way, decided to work on the Chikoris again and bring back the android species, Decided to rename said android species to "Xandros". Wanted to make them look more Phantasy Star-ish, so hope that's fine.

I will probably write up their docs in a little while but, for now, all that is written for them is that the android species is made by the Chikori and they're as magically adept as the Chikori but are more likely to prefer melee or hand-to-hand combat over magic.

Soooo, after a week or so of deciding to quit art, funnily enough, more and more ideas on what to do and draw start flooding my mind and has been keeping me up a bit at times. lol I guess, once an artist, always an artist, huh?

Either way, I may consider trying to come back to it, but I want to do it at a different approach. I honestly do not know if it would be best if I try starting over on art completely or what because I want to bring back that motivation and passion back somehow.

With the whole art thing, I do feel bad since so many fluffs watched me for my art or something like that and since I decided to stop doing art, my gallery will probably be pretty stagnant for a long time.. Like, if I do come back to art, just bear with me since I know I'll be super fucking rusty by then. You guys can suggest other, similar, hobbies I could try that may be a fun substitute until I feel that I can do art again without my mental health tanking.

I mean, hell, I thought about looking into doing Twitch or Youtube since, to be honest, I got nothing better to do. I just need to figure out what could work.

Either way, happy early New Years, this will probably be my last journal of the year, hope you guys have a fun time doing whatever for New Years, just be safe and don't do anything reckless. owo

Hope everyone's fine this holiday season, I know a lot of you are either visiting family or are unable to visit family due to Covid. Either way, I hope you fluffs will be able to enjoy your time today. o3o

So.. I am a bit overwhelmed on what to do, but I did try a site called "BetterHelp" that a GW2 player suggested to me, however, it... charges $210 a month...for an unemployed person, so that's not an option.. >w>;;;

If anyone knows of any that could help me start on therapy without making me go into debt, I'd appreciate it. I know it's weird to be so picky on it, but, since I am putting a stop on art, I don't have any income AT ALL, so I can't really pay for BetterHelp's therapy. It's frustrating since I kinda need that not only to help my mental stuff and dysphoria but also to help increase my chances of successfully being put on disability.

Since I will be stopping on art until my mate and I are in a good situation and no longer miserable, I will no longer be producing any art of my sona, nor of the Chikori, however, I will still work on the Chikori documents from time to time, unless a fellow artist wants to take ownership of the species until I return to being an artist. I do feel really bad about stopping on art but with the lack of motivation and passion I have for it, it's only hurting me and everyone around me who likes my art at this point. So I just ask to bear with me on this and we'd appreciate any support or help to get through this.

I just hope I didn't disappoint anyone, and..well, I may try writing at some point, just for fun.

If anyone wants to talk to me, or goof around with me, I am on these two:

Discord: BeauTheTinyMonsterGoat#8193 and Telegram: @ LittleSoftTail

So, lately, I want to actually start trying to improve my life instead of just.. barely existing every day, however, I need help to push myself into that mindset and motivation. Right now, I've been heavily considering finding a way to get therapy without having to pay money I don't have and if I can get that started, I can get other important things started as well, such as HRT treatment, and, eventually, dual orchiectomy (castration) and such.

My mate and I both want to get out of this massive hole and we both want to start finding a way out of the situation we're in. I have considering starting a crowdfunding thing, but.. I will be honest, I don't know if I can draw anymore. Due to depression I've lost all interest and passion in art and just been running off of fumes for years. Hence why all my art is kinda static, I suppose...so, I dunno if I can ever repay the help in any way if I decide to try and start a crowdfunding thing to get the hell out of this horrible place with my mate (and his mum, if she'd accept that houses are no longer affordable).

I am just.. tired of being miserable, and I know my mate is too. I just want us to live a happy life instead of living in misery.


EDIT: Also, before I forget again. If my life improves and I gain back that motivation and passion for art, then I'll definitely try to get back into it, but, for now, I may mostly stop doing art until then.

Soo.. another year goes by, and I still don't feel like I've aged since I was 16. Am 25 years old now.. :u


I don't plan to do much today for this occasion but, if anyone wants to, I do have a discord server that is half for my species, The Chikori, but is also just a place to talk and goof around, so.. feel free to join.. o3o

https://discord.gg/XaVquYRVDY