Things are going way better! Hoo boy.. if someone said I'd be here not so long ago I would call them crazy xD

ANYWHO! I'm also thinking of switching my sona to a female herm... well.. not thinking.. I AM! Will get some pics of it on my SL account where I already made the transition!

Nothing kills me more inside than realizing that my mother will never, no matter how much I kill myself inside and out by bending over backwards for her, love me the way she does my other siblings.
I literally have video of my sister and brother stealing out of my room while calling me a freak and a fag, insisting that I must have stolen stuff from them, while stealing my things. I bought my dog some cheap toys cause I had little money for christmas. I couldn't even, and didn't even get a christmas gift. And with the only money I had bought her a pack of toys to open. What does my sister do? Steal them. Steals my dogs fucking christmas present, toys, for her dogs that already have tons of expensive toys.

but no, I'm the biggest piece of shit on earth. Why? Because I get upset. Over what? Like for instance when I give her my food stamp card and ask her to save me 1/6th of the amount on it and she spends it all. Like it didn't matter. I gave her a small list of items that weren't more than 20 dollars. I got 2 things of the 5. I try and talk to her about why it upset me, and she tries to throw money in my face like that's what had upset me. Things like that. The difference in how she treats me and my siblings. Last night was a perfect example. She goes in and says goodnight to my brother and she loves him, and comes in and screams at me for paying the internet bill out of my funds, instead of a tahnk you I get "I didn't ask you to,"

for our birthdays my brother got a nice party at my place and my sisters, a cake, and a nintendo switch with the new zelda game. man, he lvoed rubbing that in my face. Best part? I put up some decorations for him here thinking he would stay longer, but no one even fucking bothered to tell me about the party at my sisters till it was over and I had been sitting at my place wondering where the fuck everyone was. My sister gets a cake, and a vacation and concert. Which I get stuck watching her kids. What did I get? Nothing. Not even a cake which I usually at least get that. But nada. And apparantly I'm a douchebag for being hurt by it because it makes me selfish. When I tried to explain to my mother that it wasn't just about the materialistic things, or the fact that she hinted I might get a switch too, it was about the family not giving enough of a shit, she wouldn't hear any of it.
Nevermind the fact that my brother left my mom with a broken arm the day before yesterday, and 2 kids, as did my sister to go to a concert. I woke up and saw her arm and took her to the hospital. sure enough. 3 places it was broken. But I'm a terrible person.

Sigh. Sorry. Just.. had to let that out. Bad enough.. I don't have a father, my uncle who was the only person in my family that gave a shit is dead, but that I won't ever get the mother I wish I had.

I will never mention any names. I will also probably vent about people that are watching me at some point.. I dunno. I hope.. that I can ask that whoever is watching me if you see something about you.. don't take it personally. don't get upset or mad.. You can talk to me about it just.. understand that what I am venting doesn't have to make sense. I will be venting about how events and such make me FEEL not.. what I THINK or.. that I am sure they did these things on purpose of even KNOWINGLY did it..

SO disclaimer aside..

The past few weeks have been.. jesus.. such a roller coaster. I am happy.. but.. at the same time I have my moments where I can't.. always keep my chin up you know? I.. am extremely thankful for what friends I do have. Granted.. I have some closer than others. I had.. not really a HUGE issue with one.. but.. we were trying to figure something out..

There wasn't any yelling.. screaming.. I didn't blow up in anger.. or hurt anyone or scream at anyone about it. However.. when we were taking some time to figure things out.. and.. weren't really talking cause.. sometimes things are awkward and.. it sucks.. but.. I sat in a group chat wanting to.. well.. not wanting to per say but.. I guess.. secretly hoping someone.. or people would just.. pop in and just start talking.. either to me or to each other just to.. distract me from the shitty situation I was unwillingly thrust into..

However.. no one showed. I figured at first it was cause it was really early in the morning.. but.. then.. when a whole day passed.. and nothing.. that.. my gut said.. "they knew about the stuff, and are avoiding me for whatever reason". Which was.. later confirmed.. I however didn't.. talk to anyone. It just.. sucked cause.. if I ever have issues.. or.. get upset at anyone.. or.. anything.. I just.. am afraid that I am going to end up alone.. kinda just.. curled up in a corner..

I did what I could to keep my.. problems private.. two people knew, and only one of them were told by me. I may vent to one person if I have issues with someone.. or.. am in a situation where.. I don't want to be in it to be honest.. I don't vent to people unless I am sure I can trust them not to tell others. I trust my gut about people and.. I can honestly say it's never led me astray.

The thing that I wanted.. was.. and I can UNDERSTAND that people were cautious and not wanting to.. really like.. risk going near me cause who knows.. maybe I am a fur that will make everyone look like shit and just.. never shut up about it and boo hoo me and boo hoo this. However.. I don't like to do that. I just.. wanted to talk to people.. maybe game with someone.. and just.. FORGET about it.. distract my mind so that I don't have to.. feel every second of every minute pass by you know..?

It's bad enough that I'm in a bad situation with someone I really care about.. and my heart is pained with every beat and it feels like a little man is carving his way through my chest with a dull spoon the size of an ant.. but to be left in a corner where everyone tries to act like your the hobo begging for change..

ANYWAYS. All I want is to just.. have my private stuff be just that. PRIVATE. I Want to have people come talk to me or talk to each other around me so I can forget my problems if only for a little while. Sure I will possibly vent to one person rarely to just.. TALK about it. But after that I tend to just.. want to change the subject and forget it for as long as I can. That concludes this vent ^^; apologies for the length.

Again, please don't take offense to this anyone. I'm not mad, upset, pissed, or anything. I am also not shaming anyone. SO PLEASE DON'T TAKE IT THAT WAY. I will not stand for shaming people that I am venting about in my journals unless they actually deserve it. So.. I ask that you please be considerate if you post an opinion in the comments. Thank you. <3