It's been almost a year since i last posted anything about the werewolf world. It's been almost a year since i've posted anything here.

i no longer care for these stories like i once did. I no longer find them worthwhile to write. i no longer wish to do anything related to them.

I've been spending more time with people, more time with my journal, more time with some interesting religious books, more time with a lot of other shit. I do still spend some time drawing furries. Once i feel confident enough in my skill, i'll begin sharing it here. But for now, trust that i am quietly incubating myself.

I'm just writing here to let you know that the person behind this dormant account still exists, still has access, and still wants to do some stuff in the furry community. It's crazy how i used to do 5K words of werewolf stories each week, no matter how inexperienced and horny.

Poetry is fun though. The Tao Te Ching taught me that. Unhealthy attachment is horrible and dangerous. Both my situationship and much later the Dhamapada taught me that. Stuff outside my control is to be quietly considered and not worried over. Stoicism taught me that. Nonjudgment builds strong friendships. Experience taught me that. Understanding reasoning for bad actions is a very good way to prevent bad actions and to teach others away.

I'm seeking to make other such insights so i can not only use them but let others take from them. Take your share.

Maybe one day i might return to furry stories. Nothing is certain and i'll do what i feel is best. Taosim seems to like that idea and i'm wonderig how it works.

If anyone from my old audience is listening, which i don't mind if you aren't, take one lesson - learn how others see things and use that to build compassion. The world needs a LOT more understanding.

I've been reading a clockwork orange and i loved it all; written in a conlang based off Englush and stuff like that. It's crazy and the story is full of really weird shit; at one point the protagonist (named Alex, strangelye enough), licks the boots of someone who punched him and declares his submissiveness to some crush of his. Gosh, it's wild and i seriously reccomend it.

I'd read some pages when i was working on Gangwork Red and i was in a linguistics phase, so i wrote my own version. 4 languages, extensive code switching, and no provided translations. No sex scenes are planned, but there is some ultraviolence. If my writer's block is over, you'll also begin seeing new installments of AA and LT alongside the occasional GR chapter; i've planned 5. I've already betatested it with some people and some really like it and some find it annoying to read.


---“And what do you think that'll do?!”, asked my elira-mas. “Going like this?!”

Elira-mos turned to think for a second. He let down his chibuso-erra, he had to think that hard. “We haven't the time. Job market's absolute kollons, as always."

Elire-mas menjai-lokued over the same point again. The same point we always lokued about. “Just try”, she said, resigned

I spoke. “I'll find a job", i said.

Elira-mos narrowed his gaze. “Do."

I rolled my eyes. He turned to lokuor again.

A knock on the door.

“o open e lupa!”, screamed some edmill. “¡Abre la puerta!”

Now, as us likas might know, you don't open the massa-for for any random edmill… no, you wait to see if they're pon-serious, and only then are you careful in opening.

Elira-mos turned to look at me. Fuck this, read his expression. I hate every second of this, he read as he opened the door.

“¿¡Qué!? ¿¡Estábamos chibusto-zam y vienes aquí!? ¡Lárgate!”, he screamed at them.

“It's nothing serious”, said a suprisingly cool chovesk. Calm and small, even in the face of this pon-sized screaming lika. “Just some business.”

“no puede ser”, said my elira-mos.

“We'll offer you two choices… our debt collectors can go collect your debt… or you can give away your strongest offspring.”, said the person.

“Not my shit”, said elira-mos. “I spent decades working for it, so it'll have to be… him”, he said, pointing at me.

Elira-mas was shocked. She went and pointed her ruko at the person at the door. “¡Eres tú! ¡Eres tú quien arruina nuestras vidas!”

Her eyes narrowed. “And you…! You! Petrifovichika, don't you dare send him away!”

“He's old enough now, he needs go earn money for the family”, said elira-mos with daringly cool enunciation. “And if that keeps this wretched mulumu off our heels, i'd say that's just a free bonus.”

Elira-mas looked hopeless. Maybe in another part of the fepentrio she could defend herself in fighting the gang members. But not here. Domestic rights weren't really a thing and it was always the smaller that had to submit.

I'd heard of different things in earth, that crazy place my ancestors were caused by, where the mos and the mas were the dividing line. Here, it was physical size. And elira-mas was smaller.

So she stared. She stared at us two, the two mos of the family. And i'd 19 years to my body, some 21 to my head. It was this village, the place of nightmares.

“I'm leaving”, i said. “I'm going with them.”

And the chovesk smiled. “Just what we wanted.”

Elira-mos grabbed my shoulder and pushed me out onto the street. “Bye”, he said. And then the massa-for was slammed shut. And the human looked at me. “So, you're a yansin now. To the centre!”

And into a van i was put. And the van started moving. And it moved faster. And it reached the pon-platea, going some speed. Towards north city.

It was nice here, i realised. The smooth rumble, the gentle roar of tyres against platea, the plain old smoothness of vehicles my village hardly ever saw.

To be honest, lukso was likely to change a bunch now. No more passive parasiting. No more wallowing. No more bottom-of-the-social-ladder.​

Just popping in to say i'm done with writing for now and every attempt saps my energy and time like no other. It is no longer productive in respect any for me to continue writing when literally everything else stings less.

I might fulfill my more drawings promise. I will not promise it anymore though :).

Bye y'all, i'll be back later. Trust me when i tell you that AAp17 has a sex scene of about 1K words waiting to be rounded off with some more plot to meet 2.5K words. Trying to write AAp17 for now is painful and i can feel the wasted time biting at me when i should probably be doing other, marginally more productive things than gay werewolf porn (ok i guess i can say that i have my books published when i finish them but ehhh learning a new programming language and challenging my brain with it is more rewarding for me right now).

My therapist told me i'm too young to have to worry about stuff like providing the latest installment of my novel every week and it's about time i took their advice. I should also take the "just be" advice but i decided to do it differently and work towards being able to properly mentally see hypercubes without relying on 3D projections.

Eh, i'll go enjoy the summer holidays and probably double down on my writing when i come back with renewed energy.

Currently i've been writing some 5K words per week with the two chapters posted weekly. However, in the journal post i made on 2024-05-17, i said i'd promise 2.5K. That's an important distinction, mind you. All the La Tramuntana parts i've been providing were in excess of this promise.

There was something powering my writing, too, a kind of baseline motivation. That's gone now. Writing stories has become a drag and a point of serious effort. To sit down and write is now an incredibly inneficent waste of time given that i barely pump out a sentence in most sessions. My writing quality has fallen, it appears, because the

I have something called a "hobby cycle" and writing was due to leave for months now. The way the hobby cycle works is quite simple; a hobby captivates me for a week or so, i end up learning a lot, and it falls back into the ether. You've seen this happen with drawing; i draw something shitty and then upload it, wait like a month or so, and then draw again, this time less shitty. My writing motivation bank has crashed and time spent writing is time spent not doing things that'd be massively more easier, teaching myself things, and finding new perspective.

Thus, i will be going back to the promise; 2.5k words per week, no promise of more. I'll be doing other things and improving myself there, instead.

Here's a quick story i wrote in Spanish, introduction to a novel kind of thing:

> Hay dos tipos de persona; los que son del mundo diferente y los que son de este mundo.
>
> Soy del segundo, y hablo solo un poco inglés, solo un poco del idioma oficial de país. No me importa.
>
> Y digo mi amigo «¿Por qué hay las personas vigilantes aquí?»
>
> ¿Por qué? No lo sé. Tal vez, llamé a grupa Mulumu. Tal vez, dije que eres la persona que eres. Tal vez, eres un traidor.

ChatGPT says it's basic. That hurt my ego a litte. Should have been expected.

So, i've been obsessing so much over linguistics that AAp14 now has a safeword in some notes, but it's important to note that i am still very much monolingual and only capable of communication in other languages, nothing fancy.

But growth mindset: i WILL improve if i do what i can. And i will. Eventually the English will be drained from my Spanish. I'm already on that progress in toki pona.

Feel free to tell me whether you're confortable reading this or if it feels more like stuff that follows the 90% part of Sturgeon's Law.

So, i'm working on this new series called La Tramuntana where our protagonist is going up north to work on a new buisness, and as it turns out, taxes are so large they need grants.

Here's a short dialouge between the grant provider (GP) and protagonist (P):

GP "Ok, so you want a subsidy for heating?"
P "yeah, it's really damn cold nowadays, y'know, with winter?"
GP "And you say the prostitutes are getting too cold?"
P "Yeah, it's really making it hard to work!"
GP "Then i don't understand why they don't just wear more clothes in their work, seems simple"
P "The nature of their work foregoes clothes!"
GP "Well, it's time that changed"

Expect to see this somewhere in a chapter. In fact, this person is the one referenced in LTp1, a very heavy and tense first chapter through which i somehow managed to go from a note about the protagonist's coping strategy to my own coping strategies to this...? :

> I'm planning to introduce a character here which happens to share a lot of the traits that made my childhood traumatic (as per the therapist); have a look for issue-invalidation and the ignorance of specific needs as you read La Traumantana.

I used to write chapters of about 5K words each week, sometimes twice a week. However, this became unsubstainable as i have a lot of thigns to do and i can't dedicate all my time to writing weird werewolf stories. I've been missing out on my "two pieces of music a week" goal and my "7 gitlab commits a week" goal. I haven't even hit them once since setting them.

I'll now promise 2.5K weeks every Tuesday alongside an illustration from the stories or other drawing as a minimum. Some weeks, i'll do more, some weeks, i'll do less. Some weeks i'll do a lot but keep it unpublished to cover the weeks i do less.

My output is fickle and constantly fluctuating. I'm embracing that there and giving myself the space not to burn-out.

Ok, so, i was supposed to write indebted part 9 NSFW version by at least Sunday (when i did initially intend Friday), but as we can all tell, that hasn't happened. This week has been quite difficult as far as output goes; Tuesday ended up with me breaking down as i tried a new technique of eliminating all distractions and forcing myself to do a task... which ended in my staring at the wall in some kind of sheer avoidance and guilt preventing me from using the time for anything useful.

Wednesday ended with me having quite a serious breakdown as i tried to fight through catatonia (yet again, this time made worse by various factors), and Thursday had me distracted by intoxicant-caused vivid synesthesia such that i ended up not writing to instead enjoy the pretty patterns listening to music provided, even if i had one of the few days i could choose what to focus on.

Friday had me distracted by my new conlang, and this weekend has been marked by a complete like of any creative drive, what few efforts to be creative resulting in... nothing.

So, if i do end up publishing nothing or next to nothing next week, i do seek some understanding. I'll try to align with my regular deadlines and at least get both Indebted part 10 and Alexander's Accounts part 5 published, with Indebted part 9's NSFW version possibly coming out, but i can't mke promises especially when it relies in intrinsic motivation.

It is also no help that i am alone in thinking writing furry porn is a good use of time. Everyone IRL around me has different ideas on how i should spend my time. I prefer to spend my time doing this as writing weekly has provided me with a lot of useful insight in how my brain works, such as an idea of general approaches to long-term projects.

As much as i hate to wallow and complain about my issues to those most unable to fix them, i do feel this message is quite necessary such that i can find the room within which i can recharge.

PS: I think the fact that i can so quickly complain about my issues and write so much about them (i did a LOT of pruning before publishing this) whilst being utterly unable to write what i should write does quite clearly illustrate just how deeply fickle my motivation reserves can get.

I found a quote from an author's highlight on Sofurry ( https://www.sofurry.com/groups/news.....mp;newsId=2251 ), which eloquently expresses this opinion i've found:

> It does afford us a lot of fun things to play around with when it comes to expression and body language: flicking tails and whisker position in felines, canines with their ears, horses with they way they stamp and pad at the ground... and there's more fun to be had in playing around with senses as well.

I've been PM'd a little while ago by someone who had some genuine advice for me, too. It boiled down to "use more animalistic traits and embrase the non-human in our anthro characters". I was thankful for the intent behind the gesture but i disagreed with the opinion. It set me spinning in a bad way at first (what with me accidentally souring the message thread and running away in a self-preservative silence).

I'd like to offer full disclosure here and say i do none of this and will continue doing none of this (unless money comes into the question). I prefer it when my characters are human or, as i like to call them "humans in weird bodies". One thing people notice when they read my stories is that the werewolves aren't so much werewolves as humans labelled as "werewolves". Sure, the have claws and "hair" (which is the word i use instead of "fur"), but other then that, they're very much written like humans

Every writer, i believe, should have a distinctive voice. And i've found mine. It sits in these cold buisnesslike infomation-giving texts for nonfiction and in my silly little wordplay and easy-reading of my fiction work. And i found that my voice also lies in writing anthropormorphic characters in a very human way.

I much prefer to sit on the boundary between furry and mainstream work, and part of that is my characterisation. I prefer to lean onto surface-level things which hardly matter when we dive deep into the character (yes, double-meaning intended :p). These surface-level things might be derived from the stereotypical representations of the species, but aren't really stressed as much as what i do enjoy; the characters personality and way they express it in dialouge.

To use an example, the werewolves do like to stay up late, but i don't find joy in implementing this little quirk; it just makes sense and presents a little obstacle for the protagonist, not that they aren't a nightbird too. I don't "play around" in this way because it dosen't help me express myself. I prefer to play around with the plot, the words, the characters' dialouge.

So, this is how i write and how i will continue to write, full disclosure. Thanks for reading.

Somewhat related, there's the fact my first entry into the furry fandom was through porn. That has been my only relationship with this fandom for quite some time, and still continues to be; all my stories are primarily NSFW. In fact, i'll go so far as saying that the SFW section of the furry fandom lies in the region that causes me repulsion. Seeing fursuits, particularily, activates a flight-fight response in me for whatever reason.

I am, indeed, a strange person. And i've found that what "furry" erotica now provides to me is a helpful outlet to set my niche desires on a burning boat to valhalla. I'll still set my stories afloat, of course, but the stories i set afloat are getting less unmainstream, and i like that.

_The Lost Birdwatcher_, for example, is a story i decided to toss into the public domain because i no longer felt i wanted to have responsibility for such a thing. There was once a time i liked the fantasies i was writing about in it (like being kidnapped and becoming slave to a king, the as-yet unwritten part 4 harbouring a transformation-through-sex scene). But i've found that i'm finally going back to the more mainstream desires.

So, if i reduce my desires through releasing them in erotica, i will find myself less inclined to write furry porn.

And that, i think, helps explain the cause of all this.

So, TL;DR: I write human porn where some humans are caught in werewolf bodies and i prefer the inner human.

I've been writing a 10-part series called _Indebted_, meaning i'll be spending 10 weeks writing this.

Here's a one-sentence summary:

> Our protagonist owes debt to loan sharks, which pulls them into an almost abusive workplace as they try to pay it off and figure out how to live in this werewolf world.

Just for fun, i did some statistics with approximate wordcounts, because i'm an A-Level maths student and my subconscious has been itching to apply this (sofar basic) knowledge.

(caveat: I pasted the full manuscript into a word-counter rather then the pure story so omit about 500 words per part)

Part Wordcount

01 5300
02 7000
03 5800
04 12000
05 6300
06 3500 (so far; i'm still to write the sex scene)

Total: 5300+7000+5800+12000+6300+3500 => 39900
Mean: total/6 => 6650

Final wordcount assuming ten parts: 6650*10 => 66,500

It's intresting to see that i'll have written my first novel-length work. It's a little unsettling knowing that i've written it in such a niche that i'll never be able to show the original manuscript to my IRL peers, but at least i have comfort knowing that i write about furry characters in such a way that they're basically just humans doing human things, so it'll be relatively easy to turn the web serial into something paletable for the mainstream.