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Posted 12 years agofirst off i gotta say holly cow i cant belive its been 10 months since i've been able to log on!!!
okay so heres the run down for all who actually care!
i've been homeless for the past 8 months almost to the date. i've been couch surffing, sleeping in my van and because my mate works part time at a hotel sometimes i'd crash with him at the hotel when he was working... NO MORE!!! i am happy to announce that i have a place that i can call a home again.
remember how in my last post i was said stuff about a group called adria? well i hadnt been open about my situation with my knight and his lady up until resently and it just so happened that they are my new roommates.
i've been living with them now for the past week and so far i've been able to refinance my car which is great because i was paying way too much and the interest was way too high! i've been able to get approved for my first real credit card which is awesome because now i can really get to work on my credit!
so far everything had been awesome up until two days ago when i got a text message from one of my mannagers at work saying that i'd been laid off of work... which pissed me off because the reason they laid me off was because i was the most succesful sales person they had and i was bringing in so much commision and they didnt feel that they could have paid it all to me. which sounds really stupid i know but when i came in to pick up my final check the other manager, with whom i've developed an awesome relationship with, was in tears. so at that point i knew that it was the higher ups and not by mutual manigorial descion... which actually did make me feel alot better because i honestly felt that i had been betrayed which wasnt the case.
but im taking this as a positive note because now my relationship with my mate has honestly blossomed greatly. he'll be moving in with us shortly to help me pay my bills, i'm able to collect unemployment AND!!! im going back to school just like ive always wanted too!!! i'll be attending Devry University for electronic engeniering and computer Science!!! YAY ME!!! that means i'll always have a job being able to build/repair computers and i'll acutally be getting paid for what i deserve which is much more then a sad 9 bucks an hour! lol!!!
so over all things are great, im happy life is moving in a good direction and im ready to move on with my life. dont get me wrong i loved working in the Adult Bookstore. i got to meet so many awesome people, have amazing stories to tell about my adventures... some soo fantastic to actually believe but if you've worked the graveyard shift anywhere you'd understand abe be able to relate. lol...
being in a positive place i do have some new art that i'll hopefully be able to post soon both and drawn/ inked and a few line pieces to upload and a few stories that i'll be typing out and throwing out there for anyone and everyone to read about my adventures at my last job and some "fanticies" that i wished i could have taken advantage of while i was at my last job. ^///////^
anywho thank you for cairing enough to read this far, please comment and send me notes if there is anything you'd like to hear more about. as i said before i've got some amazing stories.
okay so heres the run down for all who actually care!
i've been homeless for the past 8 months almost to the date. i've been couch surffing, sleeping in my van and because my mate works part time at a hotel sometimes i'd crash with him at the hotel when he was working... NO MORE!!! i am happy to announce that i have a place that i can call a home again.
remember how in my last post i was said stuff about a group called adria? well i hadnt been open about my situation with my knight and his lady up until resently and it just so happened that they are my new roommates.
i've been living with them now for the past week and so far i've been able to refinance my car which is great because i was paying way too much and the interest was way too high! i've been able to get approved for my first real credit card which is awesome because now i can really get to work on my credit!
so far everything had been awesome up until two days ago when i got a text message from one of my mannagers at work saying that i'd been laid off of work... which pissed me off because the reason they laid me off was because i was the most succesful sales person they had and i was bringing in so much commision and they didnt feel that they could have paid it all to me. which sounds really stupid i know but when i came in to pick up my final check the other manager, with whom i've developed an awesome relationship with, was in tears. so at that point i knew that it was the higher ups and not by mutual manigorial descion... which actually did make me feel alot better because i honestly felt that i had been betrayed which wasnt the case.
but im taking this as a positive note because now my relationship with my mate has honestly blossomed greatly. he'll be moving in with us shortly to help me pay my bills, i'm able to collect unemployment AND!!! im going back to school just like ive always wanted too!!! i'll be attending Devry University for electronic engeniering and computer Science!!! YAY ME!!! that means i'll always have a job being able to build/repair computers and i'll acutally be getting paid for what i deserve which is much more then a sad 9 bucks an hour! lol!!!
so over all things are great, im happy life is moving in a good direction and im ready to move on with my life. dont get me wrong i loved working in the Adult Bookstore. i got to meet so many awesome people, have amazing stories to tell about my adventures... some soo fantastic to actually believe but if you've worked the graveyard shift anywhere you'd understand abe be able to relate. lol...
being in a positive place i do have some new art that i'll hopefully be able to post soon both and drawn/ inked and a few line pieces to upload and a few stories that i'll be typing out and throwing out there for anyone and everyone to read about my adventures at my last job and some "fanticies" that i wished i could have taken advantage of while i was at my last job. ^///////^
anywho thank you for cairing enough to read this far, please comment and send me notes if there is anything you'd like to hear more about. as i said before i've got some amazing stories.
updating
Posted 13 years agogreetings to all!
first i need to appologies for yet again disapearing off the face of FA. life has been extreamly busy for this bear.
adria has been great to me, work on the other paw has been extremely slow. in my last pay check i only made 50 dollars in comish... but thankfully i was able to pay off my bills with how much i get per hour.
thirdly for all of you who read my last journal you all know that i went to comic con a month ago. it was alot of fun, deffinately not the experiance that i've been used to BUT it was still fun and for those of you who dont already know i met someone there.
OMG!!! i know right!!! lol... well there has been someone who i had noticed at comic con in years past but never worked up the courage to talk to. well this year that all changed. not only did i work up the courage to talk to him but we are now mated!!! YAY for kaz not being alone anymore!!! lol...
it's hard to believe that it's already been over a month since my mate and i got together. he's gotten me back into drawing! so coming up soon i'll be working on and uploading a pic of me and my mate's fursona's im really excited because it feels like its been forever since ive drawn anything.
well it's time for me to sign off for a little while but thank you all for reading and and all the love!
love always,
KazKazBear
first i need to appologies for yet again disapearing off the face of FA. life has been extreamly busy for this bear.
adria has been great to me, work on the other paw has been extremely slow. in my last pay check i only made 50 dollars in comish... but thankfully i was able to pay off my bills with how much i get per hour.
thirdly for all of you who read my last journal you all know that i went to comic con a month ago. it was alot of fun, deffinately not the experiance that i've been used to BUT it was still fun and for those of you who dont already know i met someone there.
OMG!!! i know right!!! lol... well there has been someone who i had noticed at comic con in years past but never worked up the courage to talk to. well this year that all changed. not only did i work up the courage to talk to him but we are now mated!!! YAY for kaz not being alone anymore!!! lol...
it's hard to believe that it's already been over a month since my mate and i got together. he's gotten me back into drawing! so coming up soon i'll be working on and uploading a pic of me and my mate's fursona's im really excited because it feels like its been forever since ive drawn anything.
well it's time for me to sign off for a little while but thank you all for reading and and all the love!
love always,
KazKazBear
comic-con 2012
Posted 13 years agoso it's been 2 years since i've been to comic con. i'm so stoked. i joined a group called Adria, to be more specific i'm from the kingdom of Tera Nueve. it is the oldest kingdom in the lands.
i'll be up on the mezzanene level in armor performing demonstrations for steel fighting. please come out and support us by coming out and cheering us on.
i'll be out there friday, saterday morning and all of sunday. at the very least i'd love to say hi to people and meet yall in person.
YAY comic con!!! *dances around like the true dork that i am*
i'll be up on the mezzanene level in armor performing demonstrations for steel fighting. please come out and support us by coming out and cheering us on.
i'll be out there friday, saterday morning and all of sunday. at the very least i'd love to say hi to people and meet yall in person.
YAY comic con!!! *dances around like the true dork that i am*
happy fourth ya'll
Posted 13 years agoi missed all the fireworks but i hope everyone else had a safe and enjoyable day. ^W^
oh my god... it's been so long!!!
Posted 14 years agoi am still alive just an fyi. i have been away for a long while. i was dealing with some things in life and actually stopped being artistic beause i was too serious...
any who!! im back and boucyer then ever i cant believe i have so many thousands of submitions and journals to read through. i feel horible but im going to be honest. i wont read or look at all of them. it would be imposible for me to do all that and catch up on everyone. so please dont hate me for not reading them. right now the nuke button is looking really nice but i'd feel like a jerk if i did that.anyways!!!
Its been three months since ive been on here...
give a bear some love!!!
any who!! im back and boucyer then ever i cant believe i have so many thousands of submitions and journals to read through. i feel horible but im going to be honest. i wont read or look at all of them. it would be imposible for me to do all that and catch up on everyone. so please dont hate me for not reading them. right now the nuke button is looking really nice but i'd feel like a jerk if i did that.anyways!!!
Its been three months since ive been on here...
give a bear some love!!!
Update with Kaz
Posted 14 years agoman this feels really weird... it's been a really long time since i last actually signed on here and read all the journals and i still have 27,776 submissions to go through.
where do i start... for those of you that still don't know i'm single yet again and i think i'm okay with it. i have been spending alot of time with a great fur friend of mine that have to admit i have a bit of a crush on. he has kinda become a new best friend because everywhere i turn he's there and if he's not i want him to be because he is my crutch and we have been helping each other though our hard times.
i'm working what feels like a full time job, and and looking for another... but i am always willing to hang out and spend time with friends. like this past weekend i went up to califur and it was a real shock to my system. but more about that later.
i'm working on getting my drivers lisence and i hope to have it in my paws latest latest by the end of this summer.
i also might be moving again really soon... i am deffinately not looking forward to that. i'm still getting used to living in the house that i'm in now...
home life has been crazy... i've been trying to stay away as much as possible because i am tired of having to arguements with my parents.. money is low and the stress levels are high..
OK so now about califur! lol... man it is REALLY small!!!
when people told me it was small i never would have thought about it being that small.
i did over react saterday which killed that day. i was running on 30 minutes of sleep and had only eaten breakfast at 6am so i was not in the best of moods to start off but then i had to work 8 exosting hours, other wise i would have been able to deal with the drama difforently and not have barked at people the way that i did.
sunday on the other paw i was well rested and had breakfast, which totally changed my mood. i also got to suit for a few hours which was awesome, and i made a comish for a new badge. lol... now that i think about it i probably should have gotten her info before paying her for it but eh... if she fallows through and notes me then awesome if not then it was my bad. lol.
i'm also turning 21 this month. june 25th is my birthday. i'm hoping to maybe get together with some friends this month for some reason is always a rough month for me but i'm hoping that things will change for me this month.
well it's almost 1pm so i should probably eat breakfast before hungry bear turns into grouchy bear.
ttfn!
~KazKazBear~
where do i start... for those of you that still don't know i'm single yet again and i think i'm okay with it. i have been spending alot of time with a great fur friend of mine that have to admit i have a bit of a crush on. he has kinda become a new best friend because everywhere i turn he's there and if he's not i want him to be because he is my crutch and we have been helping each other though our hard times.
i'm working what feels like a full time job, and and looking for another... but i am always willing to hang out and spend time with friends. like this past weekend i went up to califur and it was a real shock to my system. but more about that later.
i'm working on getting my drivers lisence and i hope to have it in my paws latest latest by the end of this summer.
i also might be moving again really soon... i am deffinately not looking forward to that. i'm still getting used to living in the house that i'm in now...
home life has been crazy... i've been trying to stay away as much as possible because i am tired of having to arguements with my parents.. money is low and the stress levels are high..
OK so now about califur! lol... man it is REALLY small!!!
when people told me it was small i never would have thought about it being that small.
i did over react saterday which killed that day. i was running on 30 minutes of sleep and had only eaten breakfast at 6am so i was not in the best of moods to start off but then i had to work 8 exosting hours, other wise i would have been able to deal with the drama difforently and not have barked at people the way that i did.
sunday on the other paw i was well rested and had breakfast, which totally changed my mood. i also got to suit for a few hours which was awesome, and i made a comish for a new badge. lol... now that i think about it i probably should have gotten her info before paying her for it but eh... if she fallows through and notes me then awesome if not then it was my bad. lol.
i'm also turning 21 this month. june 25th is my birthday. i'm hoping to maybe get together with some friends this month for some reason is always a rough month for me but i'm hoping that things will change for me this month.
well it's almost 1pm so i should probably eat breakfast before hungry bear turns into grouchy bear.
ttfn!
~KazKazBear~
okay lol... i gave in and got a twitter! for those of you who want to fallow me and want me to fallow you comment and let me know what you're username is! lol...
Yiffy Meme
Posted 14 years agoYOU JUST WOKE UP NAKED IN BED NEXT TO ME..... using only 3 words, what would you say to me??
Note: If you comment, please copy and paste this as your journal, so I may comment on yours as well. Be a good sport.
Note: If you comment, please copy and paste this as your journal, so I may comment on yours as well. Be a good sport.
It's okay
Posted 14 years ago(my head has been buzzing lately and yesterday these words kept repeating in my head. they aren't for anyone in-particular i just have to get them down cuz they haven't gone away yet. and to those of you who read this i would like for you to comment say whatever you feel in your heart and/or what is on your mind. i want this to be an open forum, cuz i feel like i'm lost and trying to find my way.)
when you smile at me, i feel at home...
and when you kiss me i feel at peace...
when you hold me i can hear your heart beat...
when your fingers touch my skin i feel the sparks...
and when you're with me everything is okay with the world.
and then i blink...
i'm so scared to close my eyes...
i'm scared of resting only for a moment...
just to open my eyes again to see you sublimate...
if i close my eyes i can still smell your perfume...
when i sleep at night i feel your touch...
when i dream... i dream you're here...
why did you have to go...
why wouldn't you stay...
it hurts so much to feel this emptyness inside me...
the space that you filled when you were here...
a part of me wishes it could say i hate you...
to walk away and never come back to this place.
but in my heart i know that this is not true...
because if i could... i want just another day...
to hold you and kiss you...
to feel like you were mine.
and if you don't come back just know that it's okay...
i understand and love you just the same...
my heart is large for a reason...
just understand that i love you till the end.
when you smile at me, i feel at home...
and when you kiss me i feel at peace...
when you hold me i can hear your heart beat...
when your fingers touch my skin i feel the sparks...
and when you're with me everything is okay with the world.
and then i blink...
i'm so scared to close my eyes...
i'm scared of resting only for a moment...
just to open my eyes again to see you sublimate...
if i close my eyes i can still smell your perfume...
when i sleep at night i feel your touch...
when i dream... i dream you're here...
why did you have to go...
why wouldn't you stay...
it hurts so much to feel this emptyness inside me...
the space that you filled when you were here...
a part of me wishes it could say i hate you...
to walk away and never come back to this place.
but in my heart i know that this is not true...
because if i could... i want just another day...
to hold you and kiss you...
to feel like you were mine.
and if you don't come back just know that it's okay...
i understand and love you just the same...
my heart is large for a reason...
just understand that i love you till the end.
a reflection on 2010...
Posted 14 years ago... it's been a year...
this is so insaine... it feels like it's only yesterday that i was working in the lemon grove school cafeterias... serving lunch and breakfast to the little kids...
where did the time go... and why does it feel so darn cold in my room...
heh... in about 48 hours this room wont even be mine anymore... it's christmas day and instead of sleeping in and opening gifts like everyone else i get to move houses... man that sucks...
i feel like adam sandler in the movie click... life feels like it's flying by me and i'm missing it... i have no control over anything... there are missing memories... like i lived them but didnt really live them...
this year has been a blur... i got a job... lost my other... then lost my second job... ran away from home... came back... got into so many fights with my dad... tried to kill myself... three times... broke up with a wolf... got into a long distance relationship with a snow leopard... got dumpped by said leopard... went to comic con... saw my first boyfriend there... went to my first bear run... lost my best friend... became friends again with my best friend... not nessisarly best friends anymore but still trying to be really good friends... met flint... went to san jose... met dragon , ferit, and skunky... went to san fran... had fun... got a new job... went to sacramento... made online friend into real in person friend... some where along the way i stopped drawing and kinda gave up on my art and music... got my pride really hurt... i meant it's true... im poor... im broke... getting payed less then minimum wage and yeah my living situation is pretty bad... but tough cookie right?
i've gotta just bite the bullet and keep rolling over... i am a bitch until i can aford my own place or find a new place to live...
LOL!!!... wow this is depressing... sorry guys i'll have to give you a cookie and a hug if you care about me this much to have atleast read all the crap i wrote just now. lol... i kinda feel like it's been my own falt for listening to the rent sound track a little too much.
well in about 6 days it will be the start of a new year... hopefully this one wont have so many ups and downs. lol... i kinda would like to have more ups then downs... sounds funner.
LOL... well wish me luck! happy holidays to everyone and have a happy new years i know i'm gonna try to. *smiles from ear to ear*
hugs, tugs, and lots of loves. lol...
KazKazBear
on and ps! if i owe you a hug and a cookie coment or text me and i'll try to get it to you asap. thanks for reading.
this is so insaine... it feels like it's only yesterday that i was working in the lemon grove school cafeterias... serving lunch and breakfast to the little kids...
where did the time go... and why does it feel so darn cold in my room...
heh... in about 48 hours this room wont even be mine anymore... it's christmas day and instead of sleeping in and opening gifts like everyone else i get to move houses... man that sucks...
i feel like adam sandler in the movie click... life feels like it's flying by me and i'm missing it... i have no control over anything... there are missing memories... like i lived them but didnt really live them...
this year has been a blur... i got a job... lost my other... then lost my second job... ran away from home... came back... got into so many fights with my dad... tried to kill myself... three times... broke up with a wolf... got into a long distance relationship with a snow leopard... got dumpped by said leopard... went to comic con... saw my first boyfriend there... went to my first bear run... lost my best friend... became friends again with my best friend... not nessisarly best friends anymore but still trying to be really good friends... met flint... went to san jose... met dragon , ferit, and skunky... went to san fran... had fun... got a new job... went to sacramento... made online friend into real in person friend... some where along the way i stopped drawing and kinda gave up on my art and music... got my pride really hurt... i meant it's true... im poor... im broke... getting payed less then minimum wage and yeah my living situation is pretty bad... but tough cookie right?
i've gotta just bite the bullet and keep rolling over... i am a bitch until i can aford my own place or find a new place to live...
LOL!!!... wow this is depressing... sorry guys i'll have to give you a cookie and a hug if you care about me this much to have atleast read all the crap i wrote just now. lol... i kinda feel like it's been my own falt for listening to the rent sound track a little too much.
well in about 6 days it will be the start of a new year... hopefully this one wont have so many ups and downs. lol... i kinda would like to have more ups then downs... sounds funner.
LOL... well wish me luck! happy holidays to everyone and have a happy new years i know i'm gonna try to. *smiles from ear to ear*
hugs, tugs, and lots of loves. lol...
KazKazBear
on and ps! if i owe you a hug and a cookie coment or text me and i'll try to get it to you asap. thanks for reading.
journal enrty #39 i'm sorry
Posted 15 years agothanks knight
journal enrty #38 i think it's me...
Posted 15 years agoDear journal...
i saw him today... it's been a while since i had spent any time with him... it was scary at first because i thought what if i couldn't hold it in anymore and just break down in front of him... or what if things felt like they did way back when...
i didn't cry... but he saw me let my guard down a few times... i was trying not to let him see it... trying to make him think that everything was okay...
i asked him to go with me to a movie... and we went to the mall and stumbled into a few of our friends, which was nice, but honestly i think he got sucked into it more then i did. it was great to see my two other friends but for some reason things just felt a little off...
i think it's me. he asked me what was wrong... because i guess i had this look of pain on my face, being my defensive self i instinctively said "nothing"... how can i tell him that i feel nothing... i feel empty... i know what we once had, and how i used to feel but something has happened to me... something i cant explain... i don't feel love, i don't feel friendship... i don't feel compassion... more then anything i feel sad because i don't feel the same as i did before...
stupid right? i think so.
anyways... i cant even remember why i was writing this... it's not like he's going to read it or even let me know how he feels about it if he does.
night everyone sorry for wasting your time.
i saw him today... it's been a while since i had spent any time with him... it was scary at first because i thought what if i couldn't hold it in anymore and just break down in front of him... or what if things felt like they did way back when...
i didn't cry... but he saw me let my guard down a few times... i was trying not to let him see it... trying to make him think that everything was okay...
i asked him to go with me to a movie... and we went to the mall and stumbled into a few of our friends, which was nice, but honestly i think he got sucked into it more then i did. it was great to see my two other friends but for some reason things just felt a little off...
i think it's me. he asked me what was wrong... because i guess i had this look of pain on my face, being my defensive self i instinctively said "nothing"... how can i tell him that i feel nothing... i feel empty... i know what we once had, and how i used to feel but something has happened to me... something i cant explain... i don't feel love, i don't feel friendship... i don't feel compassion... more then anything i feel sad because i don't feel the same as i did before...
stupid right? i think so.
anyways... i cant even remember why i was writing this... it's not like he's going to read it or even let me know how he feels about it if he does.
night everyone sorry for wasting your time.
what makes life worth living?
Posted 15 years agoi was asked today, "what makes life worth living? and why is it that we have to suffer so much?"... i paused for a moment and said, "Love. love is worth living for. there is no way of knowing how long you will have it for, but being alive gives you the ability to have it again in your life. and honestly, if we didnt suffer in life... when we had love in our hands(paws) we wouldnt know it (if it punched us in the face like a pissed of rino.)"
the unread letters
Posted 15 years agothank you Ian,
i was really upset this morning. so much is going on and i don't feel like i can open up to anyone to really talk about it and then i thought of you. i regret having to go through what we went through and i felt worse...
i know things are different now and we went our separate ways, but i remembered that i bookmarked one of the webcam sessions that we had and had to watch it. there was no sound, the quality wasn't HD, and it was just 30 seconds, but it was of you smiling at something i said. it felt good to see you smile even thought it was a few month old video.
*smiles softly* i miss you, you big lug and i hope all it well.
i was really upset this morning. so much is going on and i don't feel like i can open up to anyone to really talk about it and then i thought of you. i regret having to go through what we went through and i felt worse...
i know things are different now and we went our separate ways, but i remembered that i bookmarked one of the webcam sessions that we had and had to watch it. there was no sound, the quality wasn't HD, and it was just 30 seconds, but it was of you smiling at something i said. it felt good to see you smile even thought it was a few month old video.
*smiles softly* i miss you, you big lug and i hope all it well.
Sweet news YO!
Posted 15 years agoi passed my driving permit test.
i've been reluctant to take it again because i failed it three times and it made me feel stupid but i studied hard and my mom was awesome enough to take me so yeah!
i've been reluctant to take it again because i failed it three times and it made me feel stupid but i studied hard and my mom was awesome enough to take me so yeah!
Why...
Posted 15 years agothere is this empty feeling inside me... i want to cry my eyes out... i want to scream into my pillows till the pain stops...
it would be pointless... why cry when no one else does... why scream when no one can hear you...
when you get cut... you grow a scar... when you get burned you grow a callus... and when something grows callus it losses sensitivity... so maybe... my heart will go numb too?
i just don't understand why... what did i do wrong... if there is a such thing as karma why did this happen?... i'm a good person right?...
it would be pointless... why cry when no one else does... why scream when no one can hear you...
when you get cut... you grow a scar... when you get burned you grow a callus... and when something grows callus it losses sensitivity... so maybe... my heart will go numb too?
i just don't understand why... what did i do wrong... if there is a such thing as karma why did this happen?... i'm a good person right?...
Sibling Rivalry!
Posted 15 years agoso yeah the gloves have come off so to speak.
found out that when i was out doing some volunteer work my dad took my little sister to the DMV and now she has her drivers permit. I'm proud of her, i knew she could get it. On the other paw, I'm really disappointed in my parents. my mom desided to call me into the family room for a "family talk" to tell me that my little sister got her drivers permit and i have nothing to show. mind you my dad sitting in his chair beaming from ear to ear filled with pride and the knowledge that his daughter is once step closer to leaving the house. his smile fades as he turns to me and says you gotta step up your game you getting beat by a girl.
my mom then start about how she hasn't given up hope and that she had scheduled me to take behind the wheel training. my dad then steps in and exclaims in an extreamly sarcastic way, "Well it's okay if you fail, i'll teach you how to drive!" to ensure any form of pride i had been able to have clung on to was demolished. (note: he is a horrible teacher because he has an extreme deprivation of any patiences. )
what an embarrassing moment... not because of my sister but because my parents felt the need to rub it in my face.
FML
found out that when i was out doing some volunteer work my dad took my little sister to the DMV and now she has her drivers permit. I'm proud of her, i knew she could get it. On the other paw, I'm really disappointed in my parents. my mom desided to call me into the family room for a "family talk" to tell me that my little sister got her drivers permit and i have nothing to show. mind you my dad sitting in his chair beaming from ear to ear filled with pride and the knowledge that his daughter is once step closer to leaving the house. his smile fades as he turns to me and says you gotta step up your game you getting beat by a girl.
my mom then start about how she hasn't given up hope and that she had scheduled me to take behind the wheel training. my dad then steps in and exclaims in an extreamly sarcastic way, "Well it's okay if you fail, i'll teach you how to drive!" to ensure any form of pride i had been able to have clung on to was demolished. (note: he is a horrible teacher because he has an extreme deprivation of any patiences. )
what an embarrassing moment... not because of my sister but because my parents felt the need to rub it in my face.
FML
North-Star where are you?
Posted 15 years agoThe nightmare i had last night is over... yet i know that the real night mare is far from over. sometimes you can't help but wake up from a nightmare and cry because that yesterday that you didn't want was real. you wish you could just come home and he/she would be there... the house would be warm and smell of the wondrous memories that are now slightly faded... the smell of food being cooked...
The pungent scent of the stings of my guitar on my fingers... Now rusty and out of tune... like my fingers, my heart has gone soft and aches yet again as it tries to calcify. when i try to play that song that we loved to listen and sing along to, my voice cracks... the tears flow...
the shadows and cobwebs have over run this place in my mind, how i miss home...
i wish i could come home... if only i had that North-star in my hands... to hold... to hug tightly... to shine a beam through the darkness and take me home...
i love you abuelita... i love you mom and dad... i love you asuka and maryan... i love you megmeg, alex, rachel, justin... i love you ian... and i love everyone else as well.
thank you for putting up with an overemotional kaz.
wow... this is really depressing.
how about a smile for me?
"i cast flair!"
____________________________________________________________________________________________
please dont get upset if i didnt meantion your name i've been thinking about too many people to list and i wish to hang out with everyone very soon, and if you did read this thank you if you would please leave some positive words that would be very much so appreshiated.
The pungent scent of the stings of my guitar on my fingers... Now rusty and out of tune... like my fingers, my heart has gone soft and aches yet again as it tries to calcify. when i try to play that song that we loved to listen and sing along to, my voice cracks... the tears flow...
the shadows and cobwebs have over run this place in my mind, how i miss home...
i wish i could come home... if only i had that North-star in my hands... to hold... to hug tightly... to shine a beam through the darkness and take me home...
i love you abuelita... i love you mom and dad... i love you asuka and maryan... i love you megmeg, alex, rachel, justin... i love you ian... and i love everyone else as well.
thank you for putting up with an overemotional kaz.
wow... this is really depressing.
how about a smile for me?
"i cast flair!"
____________________________________________________________________________________________
please dont get upset if i didnt meantion your name i've been thinking about too many people to list and i wish to hang out with everyone very soon, and if you did read this thank you if you would please leave some positive words that would be very much so appreshiated.
Something doesn't feel right...
Posted 15 years agoso my birthday just passed... im 20 now...
my birthday with my family was a bit of a dud. all i really wanted was to not spend it alone and to have a nice dinner with my family, but for some reason that didnt even happen. i'm not really upset that i didnt get any gifts, time's are hard and i didnt really expect to get anything.
yesterday was nice. i spent my day with an ex. we had a great time and i'm glad that we got to hang out.
i went to dinner with a few of my bear friends and to be honest i was 45 minutes late and felt horible about having had made 11 hungry big guys wait for me. *scratches my head*... a friend came in from out of town and his back was killing him so he asked if i could work on his back. well the massage went late because i wasnt paying attention to the time... i know my falt... and we got to the resturaunt late. it was really irrisponcible of me, and im sure that some of them felt that i was a bit ungreatful about it all because they came to celibrate my birthday and i was late. *ears fall as i look down fidgeting with my paws*..
after the food was served everyone seemed to be in a better mood some of the guys went home because they had long days and a few of us went over to another friends house to hang out and relax. i stayed the night and talked to my friend opening up being honest about things that i have a hard time dealing with...
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Part 2
______
So you know how when you have a birthday, most of the time people ask, "how do you feel?" or "so, you feel any difforent?"
im not sure about you but honestly i normaly dont feel difforent... i feel like my birthday was just another day out of the year that just passed. except for this past friday... my 20th birthday...
i can't quite put my finger on it but i feel difforent... like something isnt right... like im no longer myself anymore... something changed inside of me and it bothers me...
my parents say that im just growing up, while others say i'll get over it, it's just a faze.
but honestly something doesnt feel right... I feel so lost and confused... im frustrated and exosted... i find myself drifting through the day with the thoughts that fester inside the corners of my mind like cobwebs.
even now as i type up this journal... i catch myself drifting off in thought about Ian...
many people don't agree with long distance relationships... while others don't care too much...
what does he really feel for me... and what does he feel he gets out of being with me... or trying to be with me...
I feel the comunication slipping... i see him drifting away from me and closer to people who are physicaly around him... I'm not really angry at him... i do understand... he's been unemployed for a year so he was sitting behind a computer screen for all that time... all he had were people who were online to talk to... now he has real friends to hang out with... people who can actually hold him or go to bars with...
should i really give up?... im so scared right now... i know that it's difficult to explain... and most of you feel that it is for the better that me and him dont be together... but it breaks my heart to think of not having my chance to meet him... and physically spend time with him...
you're probably thinking that i'm silly for even being in this situation or for thinking that even if i let him go that this would be the end of things between us and that if we really were meant to stay friends that we would... but honestly... im afraide... im afraide that he will stop talking to me because he wouldnt need me anymore... because he would have those other guys to play with and spend time with he wouldnt need me around... so i'd be tossed out like yesterdays trash...
*looks down*... i know i know... if he does that then he's a jerk and doesnt deserve me in the first place, right?...
*sighs*... he is a really nice guy. he is handsome... has an amazing heart... he has a personality... is very social... he shines... he does have his down falls... because yes no person is perfict.
i feel like im fighting a war against myself and i feel like it honestly is killing me slowly from the inside out... i've been lossing sleep and last night i cried myself to sleep...
maybe it would just be better if i left ian... *ears fall*... maybe he would be happyer... he could find someone closer to him with out feeling guilty and be happy... i really so love him and want to do anything i can to make him as happy as he should be...
anyways i'm sorry for boring you with my wall of text...
kazkaz over and out.
my birthday with my family was a bit of a dud. all i really wanted was to not spend it alone and to have a nice dinner with my family, but for some reason that didnt even happen. i'm not really upset that i didnt get any gifts, time's are hard and i didnt really expect to get anything.
yesterday was nice. i spent my day with an ex. we had a great time and i'm glad that we got to hang out.
i went to dinner with a few of my bear friends and to be honest i was 45 minutes late and felt horible about having had made 11 hungry big guys wait for me. *scratches my head*... a friend came in from out of town and his back was killing him so he asked if i could work on his back. well the massage went late because i wasnt paying attention to the time... i know my falt... and we got to the resturaunt late. it was really irrisponcible of me, and im sure that some of them felt that i was a bit ungreatful about it all because they came to celibrate my birthday and i was late. *ears fall as i look down fidgeting with my paws*..
after the food was served everyone seemed to be in a better mood some of the guys went home because they had long days and a few of us went over to another friends house to hang out and relax. i stayed the night and talked to my friend opening up being honest about things that i have a hard time dealing with...
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Part 2
______
So you know how when you have a birthday, most of the time people ask, "how do you feel?" or "so, you feel any difforent?"
im not sure about you but honestly i normaly dont feel difforent... i feel like my birthday was just another day out of the year that just passed. except for this past friday... my 20th birthday...
i can't quite put my finger on it but i feel difforent... like something isnt right... like im no longer myself anymore... something changed inside of me and it bothers me...
my parents say that im just growing up, while others say i'll get over it, it's just a faze.
but honestly something doesnt feel right... I feel so lost and confused... im frustrated and exosted... i find myself drifting through the day with the thoughts that fester inside the corners of my mind like cobwebs.
even now as i type up this journal... i catch myself drifting off in thought about Ian...
many people don't agree with long distance relationships... while others don't care too much...
what does he really feel for me... and what does he feel he gets out of being with me... or trying to be with me...
I feel the comunication slipping... i see him drifting away from me and closer to people who are physicaly around him... I'm not really angry at him... i do understand... he's been unemployed for a year so he was sitting behind a computer screen for all that time... all he had were people who were online to talk to... now he has real friends to hang out with... people who can actually hold him or go to bars with...
should i really give up?... im so scared right now... i know that it's difficult to explain... and most of you feel that it is for the better that me and him dont be together... but it breaks my heart to think of not having my chance to meet him... and physically spend time with him...
you're probably thinking that i'm silly for even being in this situation or for thinking that even if i let him go that this would be the end of things between us and that if we really were meant to stay friends that we would... but honestly... im afraide... im afraide that he will stop talking to me because he wouldnt need me anymore... because he would have those other guys to play with and spend time with he wouldnt need me around... so i'd be tossed out like yesterdays trash...
*looks down*... i know i know... if he does that then he's a jerk and doesnt deserve me in the first place, right?...
*sighs*... he is a really nice guy. he is handsome... has an amazing heart... he has a personality... is very social... he shines... he does have his down falls... because yes no person is perfict.
i feel like im fighting a war against myself and i feel like it honestly is killing me slowly from the inside out... i've been lossing sleep and last night i cried myself to sleep...
maybe it would just be better if i left ian... *ears fall*... maybe he would be happyer... he could find someone closer to him with out feeling guilty and be happy... i really so love him and want to do anything i can to make him as happy as he should be...
anyways i'm sorry for boring you with my wall of text...
kazkaz over and out.
Yay! It's kazkazbear's BIRTHDAY!!
Posted 15 years agowait?What you mean i haven't missed it?
Nope today is the day that this cub transitions into a full on bear! lol...
oh yeah! nothin' says happy birtday to yourself like a good o`, new fashion live scan for my california massage lisence! lol... i talk good X#3
[Edited]
okay change of plans lol... im just going to sit at home all day. turns out i dont have the money for the live scan. :/ oh well.
Nope today is the day that this cub transitions into a full on bear! lol...
oh yeah! nothin' says happy birtday to yourself like a good o`, new fashion live scan for my california massage lisence! lol... i talk good X#3
[Edited]
okay change of plans lol... im just going to sit at home all day. turns out i dont have the money for the live scan. :/ oh well.
Yay Questions!
Posted 15 years agoLet me know....
1. Your Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Film:
5. Favorite Song or Album:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercing:
9. Do we know each other outside of FA?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favorite memory of us?
14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you?
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarkey) - what are they?
1.
2.
3.
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favorite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent:
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?
1. Your Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Film:
5. Favorite Song or Album:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercing:
9. Do we know each other outside of FA?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favorite memory of us?
14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you?
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarkey) - what are they?
1.
2.
3.
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favorite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent:
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?
OMG! A REAL JOURAL ENTRY?
Posted 15 years agodear journal as well as whom ever so choses to read this,
the day has just started and yet i walk with a hevy heart. everything around me is bathed in beauty and and love... so why is it that i feel so alone... feeling as if i can soar up to the hevans but your feet are cemented in to concret blocks... almost as if im a mountin and i can touch the air but am taunted by all the clouds and birds...
my kitty has been busy i guess... i dont get to see him online as much... but we do text and if im lucky i'll get a phone call... i know i know... im stupid right? the phone works two ways! lol... but i know he's out with his friends or at work or off with his family. because he isnt out to his family in a way i too am in hiding...
but this weekend he is off with his friends going to bars, chatting up new people and seeing how things go there... thinking about this strikes fear into my heart... i know he says he loves me and is picky about who he would show signs of interest to... but what if he were to lower his standerds for someone closer.. i mean im 2000 miles away from him.
are you stronger for being able to be in a long distance relationship... what if it's open... how does the state of your relationship afect your love for this person... i love him and it hurts me when i know or think about someone else mating with him... but it's unfair of me to ask him not to... right?... i mean... he has needs too... i maybe in heat but i chose not to act on it... the drive and the urge to is there... but... im not sure if this is selfish or not... but i only want to mate with my mate or a really really really good friend because i know i can trust them... but im holding off for as long as i can... i know you may not want to know this but my paw is cramping up so im not sure how much more of this i can take... normally the heat would have passed within a few days of it starting and its been nearly a week...
it's hard to explain in words... how it is that a person can love someone that they have never actaully physicaly been with... almost everyone i know has been telling me to just cut my losses and try to find someone new... someone closer... someone here... But i've tried that... and that has only brought me pain and sarrow... there was one that i kept falling for, but he's made it clear that nothing will ever happen, because his heart belongs to another.
At times i am happy alone, but something about me that will never change is that im happiest when im with others. and when im in a relationship that makes me feel like i am more then worth it. when i stand alone for the most part i feel i feel like my life is worth living because i know that i am loved by not only myself but my friends as well. but when im in a realtionship... i have more passion... more fire... more motivation and more straingth to move mountans.
i guess the question that everyone is wondering is is it worth it? is it worth ripping myself apart worrying or even ripping myself apart so that i can put myself back together and find answers or keys to unlock the doors that stand in my way...
my answer is... I Don't Know... but i do know that im tired of waiting to life to happen for me because i know that if i don't do what im doing... then life will not just hand me everything that i've ever wanted on a silver plate. it never has... i look back on the path that i have walked and it has been hard... some might say it was only difficult because i made it that way... and some might say i was just unfortunate... but in the end i hope that it makes me stronger for having had walked it.
the day has just started and yet i walk with a hevy heart. everything around me is bathed in beauty and and love... so why is it that i feel so alone... feeling as if i can soar up to the hevans but your feet are cemented in to concret blocks... almost as if im a mountin and i can touch the air but am taunted by all the clouds and birds...
my kitty has been busy i guess... i dont get to see him online as much... but we do text and if im lucky i'll get a phone call... i know i know... im stupid right? the phone works two ways! lol... but i know he's out with his friends or at work or off with his family. because he isnt out to his family in a way i too am in hiding...
but this weekend he is off with his friends going to bars, chatting up new people and seeing how things go there... thinking about this strikes fear into my heart... i know he says he loves me and is picky about who he would show signs of interest to... but what if he were to lower his standerds for someone closer.. i mean im 2000 miles away from him.
are you stronger for being able to be in a long distance relationship... what if it's open... how does the state of your relationship afect your love for this person... i love him and it hurts me when i know or think about someone else mating with him... but it's unfair of me to ask him not to... right?... i mean... he has needs too... i maybe in heat but i chose not to act on it... the drive and the urge to is there... but... im not sure if this is selfish or not... but i only want to mate with my mate or a really really really good friend because i know i can trust them... but im holding off for as long as i can... i know you may not want to know this but my paw is cramping up so im not sure how much more of this i can take... normally the heat would have passed within a few days of it starting and its been nearly a week...
it's hard to explain in words... how it is that a person can love someone that they have never actaully physicaly been with... almost everyone i know has been telling me to just cut my losses and try to find someone new... someone closer... someone here... But i've tried that... and that has only brought me pain and sarrow... there was one that i kept falling for, but he's made it clear that nothing will ever happen, because his heart belongs to another.
At times i am happy alone, but something about me that will never change is that im happiest when im with others. and when im in a relationship that makes me feel like i am more then worth it. when i stand alone for the most part i feel i feel like my life is worth living because i know that i am loved by not only myself but my friends as well. but when im in a realtionship... i have more passion... more fire... more motivation and more straingth to move mountans.
i guess the question that everyone is wondering is is it worth it? is it worth ripping myself apart worrying or even ripping myself apart so that i can put myself back together and find answers or keys to unlock the doors that stand in my way...
my answer is... I Don't Know... but i do know that im tired of waiting to life to happen for me because i know that if i don't do what im doing... then life will not just hand me everything that i've ever wanted on a silver plate. it never has... i look back on the path that i have walked and it has been hard... some might say it was only difficult because i made it that way... and some might say i was just unfortunate... but in the end i hope that it makes me stronger for having had walked it.
Rawr?
Posted 15 years agohello all!
wow i've come to realize that things are truely like a jump rope. things go up and then down and then back up again. and falowing the laws of gravety what goes up must come back down again. lol... as is the life of a teen! well within about 18 days i will no longer able to call myself a teen! that's right i'll be 20! WOOT WOOT!!!
And along with this news something more exciting has happend! As i continue my life as a 20 year old a new charicter has landed himself in my lap! are you ready for it?!?!?! I'm mated!
he wasn't a fur but while we were getting to know each other i came out ot him as a furry and explained about difforent parts of the fandom he converted! lol... X#3
so yes even though i made a promise to myself to find a bear he became a Snow Leopard and i love him. hehehe... we both have our bagage but we can always make sun shine for one another on a rainy day so to speak. ^w^
things in the work feild have been slow. i can find the occasional one odd job that last for a limited time because it would be something like helping a friend study for an exam or being a nark on those days that the SAT's are being taken. i'm going in on wensday to see about job corp. maybe i'll be able to find something closer to my kitty. it would be amazing if i could live on my own have job training/ a new job and live close to my kitty.
if i can get the first two then i'll be okay with that too. lol...
anywho my kitty is calling so till next time. ;#3
*huggles and kisses*
Kaz-Kun
wow i've come to realize that things are truely like a jump rope. things go up and then down and then back up again. and falowing the laws of gravety what goes up must come back down again. lol... as is the life of a teen! well within about 18 days i will no longer able to call myself a teen! that's right i'll be 20! WOOT WOOT!!!
And along with this news something more exciting has happend! As i continue my life as a 20 year old a new charicter has landed himself in my lap! are you ready for it?!?!?! I'm mated!
he wasn't a fur but while we were getting to know each other i came out ot him as a furry and explained about difforent parts of the fandom he converted! lol... X#3
so yes even though i made a promise to myself to find a bear he became a Snow Leopard and i love him. hehehe... we both have our bagage but we can always make sun shine for one another on a rainy day so to speak. ^w^
things in the work feild have been slow. i can find the occasional one odd job that last for a limited time because it would be something like helping a friend study for an exam or being a nark on those days that the SAT's are being taken. i'm going in on wensday to see about job corp. maybe i'll be able to find something closer to my kitty. it would be amazing if i could live on my own have job training/ a new job and live close to my kitty.
if i can get the first two then i'll be okay with that too. lol...
anywho my kitty is calling so till next time. ;#3
*huggles and kisses*
Kaz-Kun
good bye!
Posted 15 years agoi love you guys be back when im back i guess. lol... hopefully im not gone too long. i made a promise to a wolf that i would be back soon safe and sound.
*hugs and kisses*
if you've got my number feel free to text me to see where i am.
much love and cookies to thee,
kazkazbear
ps: fair well sweet hat!
*hugs and kisses*
if you've got my number feel free to text me to see where i am.
much love and cookies to thee,
kazkazbear
ps: fair well sweet hat!
yet another thng to go wrong... (not a rant just an update)
Posted 15 years agoso... yea... i got fired from my kitchen today...
just as i thought that the rain from the weekend had passed another storm just rolls right on in.
it's hard to smile with tears in your eyes.
im still in shock about it all my self really... i have cutco... but i just wanted to have that as a part time job...
hopefully i can land a massage job quick... work that full time and cutco part time... i know i wont have much of a social life anymore but with all my friends busy and my ex pissed at me... who would i hang out with?
you cant have a party with just a host... you need a few other people and there has to be smiles and laughter... lots of laughter... i mean that is what good times are made of right?...
as to my ex i am sorry... im sorry that i hurt you and im sorry that you hurt me...
if only things were difforent... i wish i could just turn my brain off. like i said you or one of my otherr friends could get me that tagal switch and i'll find a doc who'll install it. *tries to smile*
but its too late... you probably wont even read this... *ears fall trying not to cry*
it's okay though... i know that there are people who love me and care... and i know you will be okay... i mean after all you made it so far without having me around or should i say having met me.
sorry guys, im trying to keep my chin up and look on the brighter side... there are just a lot of rain drops in my eyes.
kaz out. *peace, Love, and Cookies*
just as i thought that the rain from the weekend had passed another storm just rolls right on in.
it's hard to smile with tears in your eyes.
im still in shock about it all my self really... i have cutco... but i just wanted to have that as a part time job...
hopefully i can land a massage job quick... work that full time and cutco part time... i know i wont have much of a social life anymore but with all my friends busy and my ex pissed at me... who would i hang out with?
you cant have a party with just a host... you need a few other people and there has to be smiles and laughter... lots of laughter... i mean that is what good times are made of right?...
as to my ex i am sorry... im sorry that i hurt you and im sorry that you hurt me...
if only things were difforent... i wish i could just turn my brain off. like i said you or one of my otherr friends could get me that tagal switch and i'll find a doc who'll install it. *tries to smile*
but its too late... you probably wont even read this... *ears fall trying not to cry*
it's okay though... i know that there are people who love me and care... and i know you will be okay... i mean after all you made it so far without having me around or should i say having met me.
sorry guys, im trying to keep my chin up and look on the brighter side... there are just a lot of rain drops in my eyes.
kaz out. *peace, Love, and Cookies*
