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Aaand my occupational therapy starts tomorrow.
Posted 12 years agoWould have helped to be in the right mindset.
I hope I can recover tonight somehow.
I was feeling pretty good up until this afternoon, you know.
I've sold some of my work and managed to purchase some nice fabric to make more things to raise funds.
I've gone out almost every day last week and have pushed myself quite a bit.
I've been so lovestruck with my gentleman friend lately and, even tho' we're going through rough times, I'm hopeful things will get better for us eventually.
Also 
has kindly been keeping me company these past few days even tho' I'm such a pain in the arse to talk to. I am so grateful for her investment in me for such little reward.
So good things do happen to me and I am ever so grateful for them. It's a shame the bad happenings strike at my weakpoints with such impact and make me loose sight of them. 
I deed eet~
Posted 12 years agoI went shopping in a supermarket all by myself this afternoon.
And, other than my Grandfather moving the car while I was gone, it went just fine. I feel happy!
I also asked my Grandmother to teach me how to use a cash machine, so I wouldn't encounter problems like yesterday's kerfuffle so often in the future. ^v^
/Underwhelming updates from my unremarkable quest for independence. Hehe.I cannot do anything right.
Posted 12 years agoI just wanted to buy a thank you card for my doctor by myself to show her how much she has helped me. Why did I have to be humiliated? Why did it have to be so busy? Why did nobody tell me you cannot buy items under £5 with a debit card before I went in and only tell me while I'm having a breakdown in the car?
I'm so tired of failing every single thing I try. I'm never ever going to get better.
If there is any truly kind soul or omnipotent being or anybody with an ounce of empathy out there please come and put me out of my misery. Please.Girly meme or something.
Posted 12 years agoFrom 
Nikosei
----
1. Do you sleep in your bra?
No, I do not. I wouldn't imagine that to be comfortable at all.
2. Do you sleep with socks on?
Yes, omitting Summer. I have dodgy circulation so I can get chilblains if I do not, during the winter.
3. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone else?
Huddled up to someone else. uvu
4. Do you enjoy drama?
I love acting and theatrics, if that's what you mean!
Not that I am any good. TvT
5. Are you a girly-girl?
Yes, I suppose so! Not a very good one tho'.
6. Who was the last person you hugged?
My mother.
8. Are you short?
I'm average apparently, at 5'4'', but I do feel short sometimes.
9. Do you like somebody?
Yes. I like my friends and family and everybody who tries to help me.
And I love my Gentleman friend(
).
10. Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy?
Nope!
11. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
When I am going out, yes. But sleep socks do not matter so much.
12. Do you think you're alone sometimes?
I feel lonely quite often.
13. Do you dress up on Halloween?
I wish! It always looks so much fun.
14. Are you double jointed?
No.
15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
In a pillow fort in the back of a car in a garage.
16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours?
No... Unless my kitten biting it counts?
17. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?
I doubt it.
18. Do you call anybody by their last name?
My gentleman friend, affectionately.
19. How many guys will read this just because it says "Girl Confessions"?
I don't have the slightest.
20. Check those that apply:
[ ] I do wear make up.
[x] I have cried in a movie theater.
[ ] I can put mascara on without opening my mouth.
[ ] I think Johnny Depp is sexy.
[ ] I like death/grind/black metal.
[ ] I like rap.
[x] I like techno
[x] I like country.
[x] I carry a purse(Well it's a bag).
[x] I'd be lost without my computer.
[ ] I own a Spice Girls CD.
[ ] I own a Britney Spears CD.
[ ] I own a boy band CD.
[x] I get bored watching football.
[ ] I've never been called a spoiled brat.
[x] Guys are confusing(Well... everybody is, especially myself!).
21. What color is your bra that your wearing?
Striped mocha with a button and bow.
22. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
Either.
23. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?
Not particularly. Just frustrated with myself over a boy.
24. What's one thing guys can do to make you like them?
Possess a kind heart, modesty and dreams.
25. Do you have a best friend?
I consider my gentleman friend my best friend.
26. Have you ever had your heart broken?
All the time.
27. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
Never. I consider it mutilation.
28. Do you like your life?
Not particularly.
29. WHERE DID YOU GO?
WHERE DID YOU STOP? WATCH FOR THE SIGN OF THE LOLLIPOP!
30. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boy/girlfriend from you?
Not yet... Should I be worried?!
31. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?
Yuppers! Just a little paddling pool tho'.
32. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
Probably girls.
33. How long have you had a Facebook?
I don't know. I do not really use it. I used to play Pet Society but now I only go on to look at the news.
34. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
No. That's mean.
35. What are your biggest fears?
All of the things, ALL OF THEM!
36. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
All the time. I cry almost every day. Happiness and sadness.
37. Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
Yes. I care very much for people but I do worry about being obsessive.
38. Do you believe in the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater?"
Yes.
39. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
Sometimes but it usually leads to disappointment. I'm pretty negative.
40. Do you ever wish you were famous?
No.
41. Are you currently missing someone?
All the time.
42. Cowboy or Gangster?
Gangster. The old, stereotypical, Chicago style gangster, not the modern hoodie type.
43. Preppy or Punk?
Preppie.
44. Face or Body?
Face.
But the liver is tastier.
45. Good cook or take you out a lot?
Good cook, or tries their best.
46. Sweet or sexy?
Sweet.
47. Armani or Abercrombie?
//Has no idea what is even//
48. Contacts or glasses?
Both.
49. Have you ever had sex in RL?
No, I be too ugly and fat. No man wants me when there are so many beautiful, easy girls out there.
Forever a semi-coitophobic voigin. TvT
50. Have you ever thought you'd marry someone you dated?
I will.
I know I will.
Nikosei
Well...
Posted 12 years agoThat didn't seem to go particularly well.
//Rests forehead on desk//On Monday.
Posted 12 years agoI go to my first appointment at the community mental health centre on Monday morning. This is the preliminary assessment. I'm pretty nervous already.
It's not so much the going or the inability to find the right words that has my anxieties acting up, it's the "what if?" scenario that even the professionals are unable to help me and cannot give me the answers I have been searching for for so long now. I know not what else I can do if that comes to be.
Oh!
And on Tuesday morning, I'll be taking my little kitty- Who is now named Asche- back to the vets for her neebles and hopefully arrange her spay day.
I'll also ask for her claws to be clipped so she doesn't keep getting stuck to the carpet and her toys all the time! ;v;
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v.....s/Aschenme.jpg
(Me and my little girl Asche- Look how much she's grown! >v<)I want to be like everyone else.
Posted 12 years agoI do not want to be alone.
I don't want to be worthless. Inferior. Omittable. Unneeded.
I want to be somebody who people want to be a part of their circle.
Someone good enough to be deserving of attentive friends.
Someone who can make people happy.
Someone who doesn't have to sit in silence and be filled with sorrow and selfhatred and cry out in despair because nothing they do or say makes any difference.
I want to be somebody of worth too.Pudgieee~
Posted 12 years agoPUDGIEEE~
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v.....eneckolays.jpg
hjljkk;lkjksoteenyandcuteee~ ;v;
, has the other half of the huggle, with the promise they'll be reunited some day.
Made by the awesome(and incredibly patient with my persnickerty-ness, I might add, hehe) 
!
Yay!
Posted 12 years agoI had a fantastic day out today, even with the heat.
(If your thinking, "Thats not really something to celebrate- I go outside every day!", I shall remind you I'm a housebound agoraphobic so even something as insignificant as that is a biiiig, terrifiying and exciting thing for me. ^v^;)
This morning I walked to my grandparents' house with my brother, with no safety coat on(Tho' I admit I brought it along, in my shopping bag just incase I had a turn along the way, and needed something to "shield" myself). I very well may have sunburn(I made sure to get myself some factor 50 when I went shopping this afternoon, for future usage, haha) and may not be able to walk tomorrow(So much uphill, urgh), but it felt so satisfying making it there.
Then we all went to Barry and it was petty busy, so naturally I was very nervous leaving the car behind. I was intending to get myself a new top and a pair of sensible shoes as I hate my current jingle-jangle-stompy-boots. I'm quite picky on the cut and not having overly embellished shoes, so didn't end up finding anything I liked, but it was definately nice to get out and stretch my legs for a bit.
And thennn, I went to a pub for lunch- my first time in 7 years!
I treated myself to a naughty bowl of calamari with garlic mushrooms on the side in celebration, and it was absolutely delicious!
So yes.
I didn't publicly humiliate myself, didn't make too much of a fuss or snap at anybody, I made my grandparents really happy and I feel pretty proud and spirited too!
A good day indeed! 8})
(If your thinking, "Thats not really something to celebrate- I go outside every day!", I shall remind you I'm a housebound agoraphobic so even something as insignificant as that is a biiiig, terrifiying and exciting thing for me. ^v^;)
This morning I walked to my grandparents' house with my brother, with no safety coat on(Tho' I admit I brought it along, in my shopping bag just incase I had a turn along the way, and needed something to "shield" myself). I very well may have sunburn(I made sure to get myself some factor 50 when I went shopping this afternoon, for future usage, haha) and may not be able to walk tomorrow(So much uphill, urgh), but it felt so satisfying making it there.
Then we all went to Barry and it was petty busy, so naturally I was very nervous leaving the car behind. I was intending to get myself a new top and a pair of sensible shoes as I hate my current jingle-jangle-stompy-boots. I'm quite picky on the cut and not having overly embellished shoes, so didn't end up finding anything I liked, but it was definately nice to get out and stretch my legs for a bit.
And thennn, I went to a pub for lunch- my first time in 7 years!
I treated myself to a naughty bowl of calamari with garlic mushrooms on the side in celebration, and it was absolutely delicious!
So yes.
I didn't publicly humiliate myself, didn't make too much of a fuss or snap at anybody, I made my grandparents really happy and I feel pretty proud and spirited too!
A good day indeed! 8})
Feeling pretty spiffy~
Posted 12 years agoI just went out with my Grandparents for a few hours, with no panic attack! Yay!
I didn't wear my "safety-blanket" coat and I even ate my packed lunch in public, right in front of the shops with people milling around, free of worry(And without using a silly napkin to screen myself)- That's one step closer to being able to eat at a restaurant or something in the future!
I reallyreally needed this positive stimulation boost after all the lamenting and having such an awfully rough time last time I went outside(Anxious babbling and snippiness, full blown panic attack and the resulting "I have failed, I am a terrible person; I have to die now" breakdown when I returned home).
The day is already over but I feel like it has only just begun!
Goodness, I feel so energetic and confident. Like I can keep pushing myself or "relax" and have some "fun" or something alike it, hehe~
But alas,
there really isn't anything to do now but try and hold onto this zeal and wait and see what opportunities tomorrow brings.
//Pouty-pout-feeshie-face//Hardly kNew Yer...
Posted 12 years ago... 2012.
Happy New Year everybody!
Wow. It really has been an absolutely amazing year of miracles for me.
- With a complete overhaul of my diet and a new exercise regime, I've lost almost 4 stone in the latter 3/4 of the year- I now weigh 15 stone and can just about fit into regular store-bought size 18 clothes.
- I've continued to push myself to my limits and can now do much more- and more regularly- to help bring happiness to my loved ones.
- I met a wonderfully sweet, inspiring young man whom has breathed hope and dreams into me once more, aswell as love and happiness I never thought someone as universally unattractive as myself would ever have the privilage to know.
- Found FFRC. Daily supplementary renewer of my faith that there are good people out there.
This year I will;
- Continue to push myself to my limits.
- Go outside and have fun.
- Go out to dinner with my family.
- Spend more time with my family, in general.
- Try to make new, and put more effort into enriching standing, friendships.
- Dote on my Gentleman friend until he is sick to death of me, while simultaneously trying not to ruin our relationship.
- Open commissions.
- Buy and set up a webcam.
- Try to build up a tolerance to certain popular issues/ lifestyle choices that make me upset, to the extent I can be lurking in a chatroom and not feel the need to berate/ ignite debate/ defend my views.
- Pray for peace.
//Raises cup of chocolate milk//
Babysteps toward a better future~25 journals skipped
