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I am not old
Posted a year agoA lot has happened since that last journal and I'm tired of seeing it on my homepage. I've met so many awesome people thanks to VR, including folks younger than me, my age, and older than me. Really enjoy talking with you all!
I am old
Posted 3 years agoFound a comment on here from myself on my old account. That was 14 years ago. What the fuck happened lol
I hardly knew myself then, I was going around calling myself a "raver" online because I liked shiny lights. I was favoriting random SFW furry art because I was fascinated by all of it, while simultaneously having strong personal ties to the vore and fatfur communities despite not playing an active role in them.
I got into furry probably just before I started college, and so much happened since then. But in the end, I got a job and stuck with it for almost 9 years. Now, I'm about to lose it because my job can tell I have no ambitions. Was this all worth it? My debts are paid, I'm on the deed of a house that is now paid. But my mother's health is in continual decline, and I never was able to find someone romantically. Even after those 14 years, who even am I? The world around constantly tells me that it's not enough to just want to survive, you have to always be trying to improve yourself. Live the bullshit American dream and participate in the fucking rat race. I feel incredibly estranged from the world, and as I grow older I find myself clinging desperately to the few people in my life I have left, but them drifting away anyways because everyone is moving on.
The thought of forcing myself into another bullshit job just to fake my way out of a pit of financial woe and guilt for another 10, 20, 30 years scares me. The passage of time scares me, dying alone after a lifetime of uninspired clinging to survival scares me. And yet, I lack the inner spark to make any drastic changes in my life. I am hopelessly clinging to safety and complacency, just wishing I could shed myself of all this stress and anxiety while trying to support my mother. I feel trapped because the only thing I know how to do is walk forward.
I hardly knew myself then, I was going around calling myself a "raver" online because I liked shiny lights. I was favoriting random SFW furry art because I was fascinated by all of it, while simultaneously having strong personal ties to the vore and fatfur communities despite not playing an active role in them.
I got into furry probably just before I started college, and so much happened since then. But in the end, I got a job and stuck with it for almost 9 years. Now, I'm about to lose it because my job can tell I have no ambitions. Was this all worth it? My debts are paid, I'm on the deed of a house that is now paid. But my mother's health is in continual decline, and I never was able to find someone romantically. Even after those 14 years, who even am I? The world around constantly tells me that it's not enough to just want to survive, you have to always be trying to improve yourself. Live the bullshit American dream and participate in the fucking rat race. I feel incredibly estranged from the world, and as I grow older I find myself clinging desperately to the few people in my life I have left, but them drifting away anyways because everyone is moving on.
The thought of forcing myself into another bullshit job just to fake my way out of a pit of financial woe and guilt for another 10, 20, 30 years scares me. The passage of time scares me, dying alone after a lifetime of uninspired clinging to survival scares me. And yet, I lack the inner spark to make any drastic changes in my life. I am hopelessly clinging to safety and complacency, just wishing I could shed myself of all this stress and anxiety while trying to support my mother. I feel trapped because the only thing I know how to do is walk forward.
Journal Filler
Posted 4 years agoJust a journal for the page and also a brief mention that I am still alive. I'm 30 as of this past April, these past few covid years have felt like an absolute blur. I'm working fully remotely though, so my quality of life has improved a bit not having to drive 3 hours a day.
Furrydelphia!
Posted 7 years agoI'm at Furrydelphia right now with a friend! Nice con, close to home. Smaller than the past cons I've been to, Megaplex and Anthrocon, but it has a nice community feel to it.
Goals:
- Buy Hyena Agenda merch (check)
- Eat at [censored fast food restaurant] (referred to by a friend as 'hate chicken') (check)
- Buy even more merch
- Find artists that draw chubby and/or fat characters
- Make a rough/ghetto ref sheet
- Commission a badge
- Sleep
Shame on me for not being prepared with a ref! Trying to make an official fursona as we speak, I never decided on the details so it's never gotten done. I want to commission really badly though u.u
Goals:
- Buy Hyena Agenda merch (check)
- Eat at [censored fast food restaurant] (referred to by a friend as 'hate chicken') (check)
- Buy even more merch
- Find artists that draw chubby and/or fat characters
- Make a rough/ghetto ref sheet
- Commission a badge
- Sleep
Shame on me for not being prepared with a ref! Trying to make an official fursona as we speak, I never decided on the details so it's never gotten done. I want to commission really badly though u.u
