I'm just gonna yap about this and if people read it, they do, and if they don't, they don't. I don't really care, this is kinda more for me.

I often tell people I'm aroace (aromantic+asexual), but it's just a shorthand for "I don't do penetrative sex, and I don't do relationship labels". And the reality is that, I think those are kind of lies? I don't know if those are lies I'm telling myself, so that I have a more consistent understanding of myself, or if those are I lies I'm telling others, so that they don't get my wants and intentions twisted. It's probably a bit of both.

Honestly, all things being equal, if "penetrative sex" was framed as just another kink instead of a defining component of what it means to have a sexual experience with someone, I wouldn't feel the need to identify as ace. Like, on a list of sexual activities I'm into, anal is on that list, it's just not at the top, and when people demand or expect me to have penetrative sex with them, it pushes it farther down the list for me.

It's really similar to an experience I had with ABDL a few years ago. I am into ABDL, but for a while everyone started treating it like it was the only thing I was into, and started pushing ABDL experiences onto me that I didn't ask for, and I wasn't really into at the time, and it ultimately turned me off to the whole scene for a couple years. I feel like that's happened to me regarding penetrative sex; I'm into it, and I don't hate the idea, but I've had so many experiences with people treating it like it's all that matters or pushing sexual experiences onto me that I'm not really into or in the mood for, and it turned me off to the premise for a long time.

In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter whether or not the labels are "correct". There is no permanent, immutable self that needs to be categorized into a box that perfectly encapsulates my unchanging being. Preferences, sexuality, and kinks all change over time, and that's fine. But I need a way to communicate my interests in the now, and right now it's easiest to say that I'm asexual. Even if it's a bit of a lie, it's easier to get people to follow a "I never do this, with random exceptions" rule than to get them to follow a "I sometimes do this, please respect my random preferences" rule.

Sometimes I feel like these labels are a cage. I'd rather identify as kinky and queer, and let all my interactions with people be based on vibes, but I, unfortunately, have the vibes of a vanilla, cis-male gay twink, and that doesn't attract anyone who's kinky in the ways that I'm interested in, or more broadly queer. So I feel like I have to use these clunky shorthands to communicate to people that I'm not the person I look like I am on the surface.

So I'm bumming around FWA with zero plans beyond cuddling and vibing

If you see this dog, you should say hi and give him a hug
https://bsky.app/profile/bigyeetedm...../3krueacqb7j2z

And feel free to hit me up on telegram if you wanna meet up!
https://t.me/BigYeetedMenace

yo uhhhhhh so I apparently got in on bluesky. I don't remember signing up but I'm there so feel free to follow or drop your handle below for me and others to follow you or some shit idfk man

https://bsky.app/profile/bigyeetedm.....ce.bsky.social

Just in case anyone's interested, I've set up two new accounts:
https://itaku.ee/profile/bigyeetedmenace
https://www.pillowfort.social/BigYeetedMenace

I've been feeling like doing art lately, but I'm struggling to come up with ideas, and I'm also realizing that if I ever want to open for commissions and actually get commissions my way, I should do art for others who'll repost it and link back to me, not just art for me and my friends.

So I'm doing a raffle! ... giveaway! .... I don't really know the lingo and it doesn't matter, it's free art for whoever's got the best idea. To enter, leave reply to this journal with a description of a piece you'd like, and link to ref sheets of the characters you'd want involved. We can iron out details in DMs if your idea gets chosen! This'll be open for a good while (like, several days), and I might end up doing multiples of these if the ideas are good. I'll disable comments on this journal when it's closed, so if you can reply, assume there's still opportunity for your idea to get chosen!

Expect the quality to be somewhere along these lines:
- (inflatable tf example) https://www.furaffinity.net/view/43086055/
- (latex bdsm example) https://www.furaffinity.net/view/42886535/
- (hypnosis shock collar example) https://www.furaffinity.net/view/37619448/
- (weird ape-ril musk with too god damn much lighting example) https://www.furaffinity.net/view/41358814/
- (medical-equipment example) https://www.furaffinity.net/view/39347737/

Checklist of what you should leave in a reply:
- Description of the piece (pinups, scenes, nsfw or sfw)
- Ref sheets of characters involved (ideally posted on your FA account)
- Any questions you have or things you want to say

I'll be choosing ideas as early as February 1st, but as stated above, I'll only disable comments when I'm done with this; I might take more than one slot depending on motivation, and how many good ideas there are. Additionally, if I get a whole sleugh of really banger ideas, I might do a bunch of sketches of the ideas that weren't quite the cream-of-the-crop, but still tickled my fancy. Sketches like these: https://twitter.com/gigarandomad/st.....22901812236289

Extra ramble that you can ignore now that I've described how to enter:
So a big part of why I'm doing this is because I want to practice technical art skills, and I want to practice making art for people in some modicum of a professional capacity. The main technical skills I'd like to practice are poses, anatomy, and angles, particularly related to different anthro body types, and ironing down my process into something more methodical and intentional. This means that I might end up choosing a more vanilla idea over something I'm much more preferential to, just because it's an excuse to draw someone getting fucked in a crazy pose, as opposed to spending several hours getting the ropework details just right on a bondage piece. That being said, if you're really worried about what kinds of ideas I'd be interested in drawing, you're welcome to skim through my favorites to see what I'm interested in. If you don't see it, don't be afraid to suggest it, worst case scenario I say 'haha not my thing' and you can enter a different idea.

I'm realizing I have like, zero gamer friends!

So this journal is to anyone who's interested in playing games online! :)

I've been playing a lot of Fall Guys lately because it's super casual and I've been able to play it on my own, but I'm down to at least try most games! The only games I'd say I'm not interested in are MMO's, and that's only because I don't want to waste 50+ hours of my life grinding levels to "get to the good part", and I'm not actually good enough at games to play ranked modes. Beyond that, I'm happy to learn new games!

In my Steam library as is, I've got games like Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes, Mindustry, Civ 5, Stardew Valley, Strellaris, Tabletop Simulator, Terraria, and Unrailed, so I'm open to playing a lot of different types of games

So a while back (possibly a couple years ago by now),  makootter ran a sort of gauntlet-style RP for some of his followers. It involved skill-checks like a TTRPG, but I don't think it actually featured anything more complicated mechanically than skill checks.

About a week ago I stumbled upon an idea I had to sort of gamify his idea a bit more, and I'm curious if anyone would be interested in doing something like that. I'm not super sure how it would go, and I don't want it to be some big, formal, weekly RPG campaign, I'm just wondering if anyone would interested in playing a game like that.

If you're interested in reading what Mako originally ran, you can find it over here: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8169426/

I wouldn't want to run something exactly like it, and the kinks involved don't have to be the same at all, but I'm open to anything. Admittedly the goal is basically to make friends by DMing a short, kinky RPG. I'll probably end up making art for it, but that hinges entirely on whether or not there's interest in it.

So comment below or hit me up on telegram gigarandom if you're interested, and I might end up putting together a group for it if enough people are interested.

So... Errant Signal's latest video is basically him just talking about his experience during 2020, 2021, and a lot of it really resonated with me because I, too, am not really struggling with the state of the world but am also deeply struggling with the state of the world? And part of his conclusion with it is a sort of "I need to learn to admit that as much as I'm not suffering, I'm not okay either". ... Which is the point that I've been slowly approaching.

Lately I've been struggling with a sense of profound loneliness. Not profound in that I'm lonely, or even how lonely I am necessarily, but how it profoundly shapes my every waking moment. I can't talk to people, I can't see people, I can't interact with people... and while I could survive this a few months ago with regular hits of dopamine and seratonin from realizing how liberated I am from a toxic relaitonship, it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that the ice is wearing thin. And it's not just social distancing and covid and the pandemic- these were emotions I already regularly felt. I can't talk to people because I'm awkward, distracted, and have wild mood swings that leave me feeling like I shouldn't talk to people lest I hurt them. I can't see people because I live ten miles outside the closest town, where only one of my friends lives, and I can't drive. I can't interact with people because I'm on satellite internet, so even if there were games me and my friends shared interest in, we couldn't play these games together. And while I recognize that there's hyperbole here, obviously at some point I've talked to people, and seen them, and hung out with them, otherwise I wouldn't have "friends", but the pandemic makes this worse.

I'm not alone just because my life sucks, now I'm alone because everyone elses' lives suck. And they have actual struggles. They don't get to work from home, they don't get to live with their parents, they don't get to see certain friends and family members again because a disease took those people from them. They don't get to pretend that there'll be a day where normal looks like it did in 2019. But comparing my pain to theirs isn't a practical use of my time. It doesn't teach me more about how I'm feeling, it doesn't provide insight into what I can do to resolve my own pain, it just makes me bottle it up. My pain doesn't compare, so it isn't worth sharing, and if it isn't worth sharing, than it must not be important. It couldn't possibly be having any greater affect on me.

When I was a sophomore in high school I struggled with depression, and while I was lucky enough that it didn't completely kill my will to live, that I still had the energy to do things, and that I still had things that I wanted to do, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it was one of the hardest years of my life. I had suicidal thoughts that year, I felt completely alienated from everyone I knew, and I constantly felt like it was never going to get better. Every night I would spend so many hours in a state of malaise and melancholy because I was completely aware that everyone I called a 'friend', didn't treat or respect me in any meaningful capacity. The only thing that began to save me from that was when I started writing and posting stories to SoFurry, and even then it was just because I got the only positive feedback that I was getting at that time. The only approval from anyone that I had any worth as an individual, and it was from people I never knew, and still don't know, and honestly never will.

But that's how this year has made me feel again. Like nothing I do is of any actual value to anyone I know, and like I don't actually have friends who care about me beyond a trite sense of responsibility for somebody who's mentioned that they "have suicidal thoughts sometimes" a few times too many for comfort. It's made worse knowing how many people stopped talking to me because I couldn't hang out with them immediately. How many people stopped talking to me because they couldn't hook up within a week. How many people stopped talking to me because they no longer needed me as an emotional support animal. How many people stopped talking to me because I provide zero enrichment to anyone's life, including my own. All the people who drift away, not for any reason that I can name, but all in similar enough ways that I can't help but feel like I'm doing one thing in particular that's wrong. The distance between me and so many people has grown too great. Not too wide to build a bridge across, but doing so would require mutual effort. Not too deep for me to wade through the water, but doing so would run the risk of being stranded in a place where I'm not wanted and not welcome.

On some level I don't think I have many, if any, friends left. I certainly don't have people who want to do things with me, and certainly don't have people who enjoy my company. But I don't know how to go find people who do. I don't even know if I have it in me to try again...

So like, what is the end goal of all these evil latex corporations? Is it a conquer-the-entire-tristate-area situation? I really need to know

Or like, what happens when two corporations bump into each other? Like if drones from two companies are trying to capture the same person, what happens?

I don't think I stand to gain anything from you. You said one time that you only keep people in your life who are worth something to you. Saying that... like that makes you sound evil, but I understood what you meant.

The fact is though, that you're not worth anything to me anymore. We're not in a relationship, we don't share any interests, and quite frankly you have a slew of habits and behaviors that only children get away with, and entirely because they're still learning how to not do them.

You're selfish, arrogant, unhygenic, a sore loser, a braggart of even the slightest accomplishments, you're vulgar, you're a mooch, and you've got a history of abuse and manipulation.

Why the fuck would I want to be friends with you?

Have Commissioned:
2018:
 subdivisions https://www.furaffinity.net/view/26108943/ https://www.furaffinity.net/view/26120964/ https://www.furaffinity.net/view/28864351/
 zombineko https://www.furaffinity.net/view/26403962/ https://www.furaffinity.net/view/28529106/
 siriuswolfus https://www.furaffinity.net/view/27437209/
 snejek https://www.furaffinity.net/view/27437227/
 turbinedivinity https://www.furaffinity.net/view/27437255/
 ziuki https://www.furaffinity.net/view/27893222/ https://www.furaffinity.net/view/27893249/
 morgdl https://www.furaffinity.net/view/27931545/
 cahoon https://www.furaffinity.net/view/28529416/
 v-v https://www.furaffinity.net/view/28529444/
 vir-no-vigoratus https://www.furaffinity.net/view/29643060/ https://www.furaffinity.net/view/29643162/
2020:
 IceFire https://www.furaffinity.net/view/37652222/
 V-V https://www.furaffinity.net/view/37897824/

Preface: I recently got out of a really bad relationship, and I'm currently going through the process of getting over it. I think venting and writing out my thoughts will help. Sharing them to someone helps more. However, rather than dump a thousand words about my suffering on my friends, I figure leaving it in my FA journals where it'll get buried by the sands of time is probably more mature. If you're reading this, I feel the need to assume this opening paragraph can read with the same tone as the opening page of every single Series of Unfortunate Events books. Look away. Stop reading. This isn't going to be pleasant. With that out of the way, there's some catch-up to do.

Characters in play: Sino, Anubis, and Harar. Yeah, those are their usernames, I'm not popular enough for it to matter if I say their real names or not, and there are few enough people reading this that it doesn't matter if I use their real names or not. ... And "real name" I mean "real username", it's the furry community, everyone uses pseudonyms and whatnot it's part of the twenty first century.

Sino - my ex
Anubis - the guy Sino got into a dom/sub relationship with because I told him I was okay with polyamory and he felt like I wasn't good enough at sex to fully please him
Harar - Anubis' primary partner

Being in a relationship is like making yourself the "machine" in "machine learning". Thousands of event flit by and you need to make decisions, and usually the right answer is "consider your partner", so that by the time you break up you've been adaquately trained to regularly think about your partner. This is a big part of why breaking up hurts. When you're in a relationship, you think about your partner a lot. That doesn't change because you aren't in a relationship anymore, all that changes is how thinking about your partner makes you feel. For abusive and manipulative relationships, this is especially painful. Not because, abuse or manipulation are inherently special, but because everytime you remember something, you relive those emotions. This is fine if you're reliving happy memories, unless there's a lot of elements in them that reminds you of bad things, which makes you sad. Then you relive the memories of bad things, and feeling sad, and feel sad because you're reliving the emotions. Abuse and manipulation are horrible memories, when you felt horrible in the moment, and reliving them makes you feel horrible now.

This is... pretty basic psychology, honestly.

But see, one of the ways that Sino was abusive, I can't exactly fault him for because he needed the help that he needed, but.... Looking back at it... there's something sickening about realizing how this sounds:
"When my Sino is sad, he doesn't need to hear me say 'I love you', as much as he needs to hear 'Anubis loves you'."
...
"When my partner is sad, they don't need to hear me say 'I love you' as much as they need to hear 'your other partner loves you'."

And there's other implications about that, and they're true. Sino consistently told me I was his primary partner, always talked about how we're going to be together forever and all that other stockholm-syndrome lovey-dovey shit couples say, but would, in the same breath, turn around and say things like "if it weren't for you, I would be happy being in a live-in dom/sub role with Anubis and Harar", and constantly talked about how he didn't need to be held by me, he needed to be held by Anubis. Sino talked about Anubis and Harar so much, that it became standard protocol for me to consider Anubis and Harar in my relationship with Sino (I still don't know Anubis or Harar's real name, and I've only seen each of them twice).

I was trained to think about them just as much as I thought about Sino, and that leaves me, in the aftermath of nine months of abuse and manipulation and torture, realizing I basically didn't just break up with Sino, I broke up with Anubis and Harar. Not that, Anubis or Harar ever think about me, and I doubt Sino's found it a struggle to get over me since he was the one who dumped me, after nine months of abusing and manipulating me, but from my end, it's like I lost three partners all at once.

Every time I see a suit that reminds me of Anubis' fursuit, it stings. Hyenas? Sting because Sino and Harar have hyena fursonas. Red pandas? Kinda suck cuz they remind me of Anubis. Anubis, the Egyptian God, stings, because it reminds me of Anubis. That's not their faults, that's part of the pains of breaking up with someone. But it is Sino's fault, because I shouldn't have to feel like I broke up with Anubis and Harar as well.

... I let Sino manipulate me into believing that my concerns about our relationship were in my head, but looking back on it... those concerns should've been red flags that made me leave. I should've left. I should've cut the line and let him out of my life long before this ended. When we first talked about being together, I told him I didn't want us to be too serious or think we're 'the one' or anything, and I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship. But he pushed me on to be in one, and then ignored my requests that we not take it seriously, and I let him sweep me up into his fantasy of having a boyfriend his family approves of while having a relationship he actually wanted on the side.

... the pandemic, and all the social distancing and quarantine and stay-at-home orders that come with it have made moving on hard. I can't see my friends whose relationships I neglected because of Sino. I can't see my friends and make new memories that involve people other than Sino, and I can't make memories without constantly thinking about Sino, Anubis, and Harar, who are all my exes despite my only being an ex to Sino.

...

Is it petty, to want to reach out to them and let them know this? Anubis and Harar never knew about anything, because Sino didn't take my concerns seriously, and Anubis and Harar never talked to me, and since Sino never told them what was going on, they never knew anything. Numerous times I told Sino I wanted to reach out to Anubis and Harar, since they're older and have been dealing with polyamory a lot longer than me or Sino, but Sino always made it clear that that was a bad idea. Looking back, it's clear to me that's because he was so preoccupied with being a good pup for Anubis, he didn't have time to be a good boyfriend to me. If Anubis ever found out, it'd mean Sino wasn't his perfect little pup, even if it meant I writhed in emotional agony, sometimes literally.

Is it petty to want to tell Anubis this? Even if I just sent him a link to this journal? ... I think Sino's lucky. Whenever Sino hesitated to say "I love you", he made it clear he didn't want to. Whenever I did, I tried my damn hardest to hide it, because it'd just break him as much as him openly hesitating and refusing to say it to me broke me. But I always had to say "I love you", and often had to follow it up with "Anubis loves you too".

... It's weird remembering this, because I realize just how bad that relationship was. How selfish Sino was. How manipulative he was. How abusive he was. All without even trying. I think he's lucky, because if the roles were reversed he wouldn't hesitate to tell people what I did wrong and accuse me of being abusive, but for me it's taken three months to realize that what I thought was "kind of manipulative and selfish" is obviously genuine abuse. ... He's really lucky in that.

It's a pretty self-contained ramble. I really just wanna get as many votes as possible, though i guess people who care enough to read an FA journal probably care enough to want to see more art, so it's probably biased.

https://twitter.com/Gigarandom/stat.....486445056?s=19

So, this a thing I'm doing on Twitter, so to those of you don't use it and aren't looking for an excuse to start, you probably don't really care about this. To the rest of you, here's the tweet I made about it:
https://twitter.com/Gigarandom/stat.....90505266180096

I just realized.

I have an FA.

I can do this shit here, too.

Welp, ask me anything, and if you wanna see it on twitter: https://curiouscat.me/gigarandom and https://twitter.com/Gigarandom

And also I'm an attention whore so even if it's not Tuesday ask anyways.

I'm in a position where I have a few things I need to do. Among these things is getting better at maintaining motivation despite the odds, and I think something that'll help is trying to stick to getting practice work done a week for the rest of the year. I don't have time this week (Practice 7 is from before I went on break), seeing as I just decided to do this, so I'll start next week. My first goal is to, for at least ten weeks, get one practice work done, one work a week. Of course, I'd also like to work on having more SFW art again, but for that I'd much rather come up with my own ideas. So, during this first goal, I'll also go ahead and do a little sketch each week as a warmup. These'll be much more experimental in art style, and lean more towards me playing with different approaches to art, rather than me simply practicing getting faster at various processes.

Also, in case you didn't know because you aren't following me on twitter (it's @gigarandom, just so ya know) or simply don't give a shit about me (because who does?), my New Years' Resolution is to use social media more, so I'm going to try to comment more on FA, and tweet more on Twitter. I'm starting by forcing myself to tweet one thing a day, but I also need to start commenting on FA. The latter will help promote my crappy art, and the former will help promote my crappy personality. So, if you wanna be in on the dumpster fire that is my half-assed attempt to be one of the cool kids, you can go follow me on Twitter gigarandom.

So, I've had this idea kicking around in my head for a while, and finally put some rules to it. While this isn't final, and might not even be something anyone's interested in, I really liked the elegant simplicity to it and wanted to share.

This is what I wrote for it: The game begins with the player adding 1$ to the pot. At the start of each day, they roll a d6 to see what their daily challenge is. If they beat the daily challenge, they lose a day to their "Day Remaining" score, but if the fail, they gain a day for each dollar in the pot. An alternative, is to add a dollar to the pot in exchange for not adjusting their score at all.

This is the die roll:
1 The player must wear a buttplug for a number of hours equal to the number of days they have remaining.

2 The player has a number of hours (equal to the number of days they have remaining) to find a dick to ride. It can be a toy or real, and pegging counts.

3 The player must wear a diaper for a number of hours equal to the number of days they have remaining. The player is allowed to recieve changings during this time, but only as needed.

4 The player has a number of hours (equal to the number of days they have remaining) to climax despite their cage. Any means or kind of climax at all is acceptable.

5 The player has to wear a diaper for a number of hours equal to the number of days they have remaining without wetting or messing themselves.

6 The player has to withstand a number of minutes (equal to the number of days remaining) of being wanded without climaxing.

The pot really only matters in multiplayer, where the players start with days equal to the size of the pot, and each time a player gets free, they take half the pot with them, and when it's down to just two players, the player who lost can forfeit their half of the pot, or choose to last out the rest of the game to earn it.

I've constructed a basic simulator to test this system, and all it requires for you to play is the following info, in this order:

Player's Name
1 - On a scale of 1 to 10, how well do you think you could last with a butt plug in for hours on end?
2 - On a scale of 1 to 10, how well do you think you could get your hands on some sort of dick to ride?
3 - On a scale of 1 to 10, how willing would you be to wear a diaper for hours on end?
4 - On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are you to be able to climax in your cage?
5 - On a scale of 1 to 10, how well could you last without messing or wetting yourself if you wore a diaper for hours on end?
6 - On a scale of 1 to 10, how well could you withstand having an orgasm if a vibrator were held against your cage?

Feel free to enter 0 for "Wouldn't even try". This adds money to the pool, but lets you avoid adding time to your days remaining.


All you have to do for me to run the game simulator for you is to comment with the info provided, and I can run the game for you!

Here's a sample game of me:
Gigarandom - Days Locked/Total (Remaining): 0 / 3 (3)

Next day:
Rolled 1; so Gigarandom must wear a plug for 3 hours.
Gigarandom beat the challenge! They lose a day to their cage time because of this!
Gigarandom - Days Locked/Total (Remaining): 0 / 2 (2)

Next day:
Rolled 2; so Gigarandom must get fucked in the ass within 2 hours.
Gigarandom decided not to do this. Adding 1$ to the pot.
Gigarandom - Days Locked/Total (Remaining): 1 / 3 (2)

Next day:
Rolled 4; so Gigarandom must achieve climax within 2 hours.
Gigarandom beat the challenge! They lose a day to their cage time because of this!
Gigarandom - Days Locked/Total (Remaining): 2 / 3 (1)

Next day:
Rolled 2; so Gigarandom must get fucked in the ass within 1 hours.
Gigarandom decided not to do this. Adding 1$ to the pot.
Gigarandom - Days Locked/Total (Remaining): 3 / 4 (1)

Next day:
Rolled 3; so Gigarandom must wear a diaper for 1 hours.
Gigarandom decided not to do this. Adding 1$ to the pot.
Gigarandom - Days Locked/Total (Remaining): 4 / 5 (1)

Next day:
Rolled 4; so Gigarandom must achieve climax within 1 hours.
Gigarandom beat the challenge! They lose a day to their cage time because of this!
Gigarandom - Days Locked/Total (Remaining): 5 / 5 (0)

Gigarandom was in his cage for 6 days! The starting time was: 3

And here's a sample featuring my friend,  kirburble
Kirbirble - Days Locked/Total (Remaining): 0 / 3 (3)

Next day:
Rolled 4; so Kirbirble must achieve climax within 3 hours.
Kirbirble beat the challenge! They lose a day to their cage time because of this!
Kirbirble - Days Locked/Total (Remaining): 0 / 2 (2)

Next day:
Rolled 5; so Kirbirble must make it 2 hours in a diaper without making a mess or wetting themselves.
Kirbirble beat the challenge! They lose a day to their cage time because of this!
Kirbirble - Days Locked/Total (Remaining): 1 / 2 (1)

Next day:
Rolled 3; so Kirbirble must wear a diaper for 1 hours.
Kirbirble decided not to do this. Adding 1$ to the pot.
Kirbirble - Days Locked/Total (Remaining): 2 / 3 (1)

Next day:
Rolled 1; so Kirbirble must wear a plug for 1 hours.
Kirbirble beat the challenge! They lose a day to their cage time because of this!
Kirbirble - Days Locked/Total (Remaining): 3 / 3 (0)

Kirbirble was in his cage for 4 days! The starting time was: 3

The simulator I made has only 1$ in the pot at the start, but defaults to 3 days starting time. That can be overridden if you're interested!

*Accidentally hits Enter*

Well shit, I didn't expect that to post. Uhh... Hold on and refresh in like ten minutes


...


Okay, so, I apparently have 98 watchers, and I'm just gonna go ahead and give some sort of free art thing to whoever that 100th watcher is. And, that art thing, might include YOU (assuming they ask for something including you, specifically), so tell your friends and tell them to watch me and then to ask for something featuring you! Or don't. You probably won't. ... That's okay, I'll still give something to whoever the hundredth watcher is.



Actually, I think I might do something a tad different. I don't think that creates enough motivation, so... I'm cook up something a bit more interesting.

After a month living with my mom, a few weeks in Minnesota, and then a month without internet, I'm finally back in Tacoma where I can people like I used to.

Or, rather, start peopling.

I took a stab at trying to be social on twitter for a day, and realized my issue isn't that I'm bad at socializing, it's that I'm bad at commenting. I haven't the slightest clue why anyone would give a shit and read what I have to say if they haven't already talked to me in PMs (or the like), and therefore haven't the slightest clue as to why I should bother saying anything in the first place. Hell, even here, this is more a vent space for me than a serious attempt to say anything to anyone because I doubt more than three people are even going to read this.

But seriously, I wanna start socializing more, so something I'm going to do is try to actually say things on twitter. But... I'm not great at it, so it'll be a slow process. I basically use social media like an 80 year old woman, only with post-modernist ideology and no children or grandchildren to torture with my mere presence.

My problem is not feeling comfortable saying anything, because to me, saying something is about communicating, and most communication is a conversation, and in a conversation you want to say things that illicit a response so that the conversation can continue. It might sound like I'm overthinking a simple tweet, but this is literally the logic all conversations are based on for me. Every response to a PM, telegram message, or FA note, is me (somewhat) carefully figuring out what to say that encourages a response from the reciever of my message. It sounds like the kind of mechanical deduction a game designer or programmer would do to a purely human thing like a conversation, but that's what I am, so that's what it is.

The problem, is that that's not how comments work. Comments, are a space for you to voice your entirely and fundamentally meaningless opinion about whatever you're commenting on. You shouldn't assume to get a response, you should assume to evoke an emotion or internal response out of the person who the comment is meant for (or anyone like me who reads every comment before commenting). So if I see something so vile that it makes me want the source of said material to feel like shit, then I would want to leave a comment that would make them feel like shit. Cruel example, and possibly an off-putting one, but it makes my point clear. Thing is, this isn't like a conversation, where the expectation is a response from the source. If I see a cute fursuiter and I say something like "cute suit!", the amount of response I can expect is "thanks!" or my comment being liked or something. Since I didn't say anything that evoked a conversation, I didn't recieve anything that evoked a conversation, and that's fine, because a comment is more or less just an expression of your opinion, not an attempt to make friends.

And that's where it gets difficult for me, because I don't do the whole self-expression thing very casually. I mean, a simple "I don't use twitter very well" would've been fine, but me being me, I have to dedicate an entire FA journal to it that no one's going to read. So I guess when it comes to commenting, that's what I need to work on. Casual self-expression. ... It doesn't help that there's a degree of non-seriousness when it comes to social media. If I post a fursuit picture to twitter and someone from Germany comments with "We should cuddle!" or the like, there's obviously no degree of seriousness behind it. But I have a bit of trouble catching on to that, especially if the person's bio actually says they live in Washington. My brain just doesn't do that well. ... I don't even know what to call it. It's not humor, but it's not really hyperbole... It's like... I guess "casual" is the best word I have. I don't do "casual" well. ... I mean, I suck at small talk, but that's a given about anyone who spends twenty minutes writing a journal no one will read.

Oh well; so it goes; life is suffering. I guess I'll just have to force myself to people and pretend I'm doing it right until someone gives me actual tips or I internalize the fact that there's not a "right way".

I'm planning on getting this YCH: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/27086535/

Problem is, I need a foot for it. It'd be a little absurd to expect much, if any, payment for it, so I'm more or less just asking for permission to use your foot. I'd be getting the 50$ version(s?), so it'd be like six images of you stepping on Obsidian.

Please offer your peats for the selecting of the best peat.

Having come back from Furlandia with a new and improved sense of productivity because I don't get PCD, I'm gonna go ahead and spend the next hour uploading the works that are done for Kinko's Casino, as well as a few photos from Furlandia. The two that aren't done should be done sometime this week, just because one of the things holding me back from working on them is a lack of ref sheet from one of the commissioners and a lack of communication from the other.

On a side note, summer is beginning to rear its ugly, bee-filled head, and if all goes as planned, I should be able to start a youtube channel this summer. I don't really know if anyone here gives a shit about that, but it's probably not gonna be your standard furry-youtube content, nor your standard furry-gamer youtube content, and honestly any fursuiting is more a means of not showing my face than anything else, and I'll try to stick to content about Minecraft and game design. Of course, I'm doing a youtube channel because I've always wanted to do a youtube channel, not because I care about what people think, so I'm not really gonna gaurentee anything other than some minecraft and my fursuit head and a crappy recording.

Speaking of summer plans, I'm gonna be getting the fur for the rest of my suit sometime in the next couple weeks, which means I'm gonna be able to make a fullsuit. It'll either take six months and will be ready by Anthro Northwest, or it'll take a year and will be ready by Furlandia 2018.

I don't really know!

I don't really care!

I'm kind of on a weird, productivity high right now and wanna get to uploading stuff so I can have less things looming over my head, so bye-

Looks like it's time for another YCH update!

Current standings:

Waiters:
 duffy - completed
 stumpyskunk - background finished - beginning revisions
 wanda_fan_one_piece - completed

Dealers:
 duffy - completed
 kirburble - awaiting ref sheet (apparently I need to make one first, but he's a close friend, so it's fine)

Handlers:
 chucktheskunk - background finished - awaiting approval
 miatsu_zuboski - awaiting ref sheet.

Anything here that says "completed" means that said position holder has already approved the backgrounds (and everything else). Technically, if you're one of those people and you see this journal, you can upload it, you have a completed copy of the image, but I'd like to request you wait a few days for me to get the other works done so that I can have an official reveal and all.

Well, I got swamped with two essays and multiple social events week after week that have made this poject take way longer than expected.

I figured I'd just dump this here to let everyone know where I'm at with their pieces as of right now.

Waiters:
 duffy - lined, shaded, and colored
 stumpyskunk - lined, shaded, and colored
 wanda_fan_one_piece - lined, shaded, and colored

Dealers:
 duffy - lined, working on shading
 kirburble - awaiting ref sheet

Handlers:
 chucktheskunk - lined, shaded, ready to start coloring
 miatsu_zuboski - awaiting ref sheet.

Like I mentioned in the last update, those of you who wish you'd gotten a chance at being in this YCH, I will (eventually) do another YCH for this same project. ... Probably not any time soon, but it'll also go a lot quicker because it's not going to be as big and complicated of a YCH.

For starters, I'd like to thank everyone who participated in the auction, just because... not many people participated and it's cool that some people did!

Secondly, I'd like to apologize for the agonizingly slow turnover that will occur with this auction. I'd love to just sit and draw smut for two weeks, but I have classes and friends that need attention, as well as my own personal need to offload stress. That being said, "agonizingly slow" for me, is a lot closer to two or three weeks than anything else. If all goes well, I should be have all the slots finished by May, and while there's two slots that no one bid on... I'm gonna go ahead not give those out (just yet) because I do not have that kind of time! So, instead, I'll wrap those up in the down time between Phase 1 and Phase 2 of this whole Kinko's Casino project. ... God, talking about it in "phases" makes it sound like some big, machievelian plot.

Third, I would like to announce the winners!
Fembois:
- Slot 1 -  duffy
- Slot 2 -  stumpyskunk
- Slot 3 -  wanda_fan_one_piece
Dealers:
- Slot 1 -  duffy
- Slot 2 -  kirburble
Handlers:
- Slot 1 -  chucktheskunk
- Slot 2 -  miatsu_zuboski
If you're one of those people, and you're reading this, but you don't have a note from me... I'm workin' on it, I haven't started those yet, but the moment I hit "Create/Update Journal" I'm gonna start on those.

Fourth, if you aren't one of those people, and are disappointed about that, don't worry, because there's plenty of YCH material going up in Phases 2 and 3 of this, and I might do an iffy phase 4 as a static, like, 10$ or 20$ rerun of things from phases 2 and 3, so even if you miss those, there's a pretty good chance you'll be able to get in on the action!

Thank you for reading... I have notes to write, goodbye.

I'm struggling with a really weird thought right now, and I figured maybe someone would find it interesting if I said something about it to the open void of the internet.

"Okay" is an interesting concept in and of itself. As a word, we often use it to refer to things that aren't really "good", but aren't really "bad", either. Like, "Well, this work of art is just okay", as thought to state that it's good enough, that it'll get the job done, but that it has room to improve, that it could be better. It could be "good", or "great", or "fantastic" or "extraordinary" or "amazing" or "phenomenal" and so on... But it's not. It's good enough, but it's not what we wanted. It's like saying something's good, but it's really bad. That the bad aspects of something are in equal proportion to the good aspects of it. An "Okay sandwich" has the right ingredients, but maybe there's a little too much mustard, or maybe the bread's a little stale. An "okay pizza" gets the job done, but it's not very pretty, the ingredients aren't as evenly distributed as they could be, and the shape isn't right.

And it's easy to objectivize things like food that are about personal preference or taste and say "I don't like it but it's good enough", but then you have things like "are you okay?" or saying "it's okay" to comfort someone, and I guess that idea of "it sucks but it'll do" applies there, because when someone's upset and we ask if they're okay, we're aware that they're upset, that something's wrong, but we're asking if they'll get through it. And if asking doesn't help, we'll talk them through it and say "it's okay", because even if it sucks, it'll do, and even if you don't like it, it's good enough.

But a lot of the time, things aren't really okay, but we put on a fake smile and say "it's okay", as a way of asking for something better while saying it's good enough, that it'll do for now. A breakup with your boyfriend is "okay", being single for years on end is "okay", having memories of your childhood bully is "okay". But if you get talking to someone about these things, they're usually not "okay", because these things suck, but we can talk ourselves into believing that they're not as bad as they seem, or that they're even good! And that's not okay, because it sucks that we create false justifications for things, but it's not good enough- it won't do- because we might never realize that the truth was simply that it sucked. It's a velvet lined coffin. It sucks, the very state of existence sucks; it's a coffin! But it's a pretty nice coffin; it could be a worse state of existence.

And the confusing part, is that while it's not okay for some things to be okay, it is okay for a lot of things to not be okay. "There's something wrong with this work of art", "there's something wrong with this sandwich", "there's something wrong with this pizza", "there's something wrong with our relationship", "there's something wrong with me being lonely", "there's something wrong with my emotional state", "there's something wrong with these 'okay' things".

It's okay, to not be okay. We all have problems, most things aren't going to live up to your expectations and that's okay. The important part is discerning where "this is okay" should really be "this is not okay", and context matters. It's okay for the guy at Subway to have skimped out on the number of olives on your sandwich, and it's okay for the pizza sauce you made to have come out badly, but it's not okay to be in a relationship that's actively or passively hurting you, and it's not okay to wake up every morning and consider suicide, and it's not okay to bottle up how not okay things are, but it's also okay to rejoice in how okay other things are!

By admitting that something's bad, but good enough, we can try to improve it. If the sandwich was bad, ask for extra olives next time. If the pizza was bad, try something new. If the relationship hurts, talk about a change. If being single hurts, strive for a change. It's okay to talk about how bad things are, and it's okay to praise how good things are, but it's not okay to never consider that something's not okay.

...

I guess I just feel like we need to know the problems there are with things and be comfortable admitting to them. There are flaws in the world. Tiny ones, that don't really mean anything, but would make life suck a little less if they weren't there. Big ones, that make us ponder suicide before pondering change, and would make life so much better if they weren't there.

Sometimes we need to accept that some things are "okay", especially the ones that aren't that bad, or are beyond our control. If your friend's grandmother dies, god damn, it sucks, but it's okay because it had nothing to do with you and all you can do is come to terms with it.

And sometimes we need to accept that things are "not okay", especially the ones that are really bad, and within our control. If your significant other is abusing you, you need to say it's not okay and you need to make a change, because it's bad, and it's within your control.

And then there's this grey area, where things are really bad, but they're beyond our control. When your significant other dies, that's going to be hell, and it's not going to be okay. And other times things aren't important at all, but they're within our control. So you left your pizza in the oven for too long and it burned a little; it's okay, but you can make a change to make it not happen next time.

I guess... It's okay for things to not be okay sometimes, but it's not okay for nothing to ever be okay. If changes can be made that make life more okay, it's okay to try them, and if they make it less okay, than it's okay to go back.

Life is suffering, but it's good enough. Life isn't great. It isn't awful. It's just okay.