It's fun to watch the guys running FA make more drama for themselves than actually try and stop it and behave. It's like watching all the other arrogant companies run themselves in circles trying to justify their bs- they end up looking silly and spread more shit around XD

Looking back at your old gallary and all the sketches, the pictures, digital art, whatnot.....And thinking 'why can't I do that?' ;w; I wanna know where all my skill went, and why I can't draw anymore~

When I said 'I'll need the files to help you work on it', I didn't mean buy me the frikking interface dammit! You know I don't like accepting gifts >w<;;;;

Just a bloody throw outh ere; no one get me stuff, I don'tl ike taking stuff from others =3= end of story.

Yep, it's that time again kids, giga's bitching again -w- This time, it's...slightly different though. Though a word of warning to anyone who's depressed easily, or gets upset at relationship stuff, 'cuz they don't have one, tune out now >3>;; I will just make you spaz right the fk out.


That out of the way-- So today is [was] Sunday, the day where I goto the local game shop [tabletop mind you, everyone gets confused], and anyone that knows me, knows that I am MIA until late in the evening. Why? No net connection, and even when I do, I'm RPing...or trying to. So, same old shit happens; Jackass won't shut up for two seconds to even let the GM talk, and pulls shit he shouldn't, Derp is doing derp things like any furry on suger should, save he's more aggressive now [warrented], and 'Mom' [female leader of the whole social group, who we nicknamed mom...'cuz she really is], is tired, bored, and not to my knowledge at the time, on her cycle. My gf/pet, which.....It's getting hard to talk to a bunch of highschoolers about serious things like 'dom/sub play', or commited relationships, or even fking friendship at this point, considering their first reactions are either 'you're doing -everything- wrong, you should give up' [in reference to me and her having a relationship] [which is a sick joke, considering they're doing it -soooo- wrong -x-; Normally don't say that about people, but when your fience' lies to you about having sex with other girls, unprotected, AND lies about you behind your back, and treats you like his slave....When there's -no- connotation of a dom/sub relationship, especially in that extream form...yeah...], and other lovely things like 'oh, so you're his slave now, what's wrong with you' right off the bat......Especially considering Jackass 'asked' [pushed] her to be -his- slave...While she was dating Derp, and he was dating Mom, who was abject to it [btw, yes, I'm using nicknames, 'cuz I don't feel comfortable using real names here, so yeah...deal with it >3>; ] ......Let's just say, by the time it came my turn to do anything in the RP, 3/4ths the way through given how much time we had....I wanted to punt the bitch, and have no regrets doing insane shit, like he does, and taking up the rest of the damn RP-- 'cuz ya know what, when the most I get to do in 4~6+ months is PvP, and it has to be done after the shops closed, and where's all supposed to be going home 'cuz Jackass won't shut up for five seconds, they all can sing till the stars fall down how much of an ass I'm being, I give no fks...And they are blue...Especially adding in I was doing all this for them, to keep us from having to skip through space ON FOOT [brillent idea by Jackass]....Nee, sorry, needed to get that out.

Anyway, That all happens, and Derp and jackass act like I've stollen their balls for the night by doing that. Mindyou, Derp had a good reason. 'cuz he didn't get to RP at all between Jackass's ranting, and my....Master chifing [think that's the best reference...maybe (only played Halo 1)]...long story short, I boraded a space ship by myself, and obliterated the crew, the captian, and then some....What near killed me? 'fking parrot -w- I shit ye not, a hellspawn parrot. Anyway, it's snowing out, we're all jawing waiting for the store to close, and everyone [save myself] wants to pile into Derps car; he's the only one with a car, and I'm the other with a ride. Problem is, it's kinda a clown car, and it's alrady packed with 4 people...There was 5 and a staff [legit], and the fifth guy is a giant. Think slenderman, 'cept with a face, hair, and not a walking stick [I.E he has muscles]. So I just say GM [Giant] [....Giant man, the fk ow0 perfect fit] can ride with me to the mall to catch his bus to his county, has been for a few months now. So like a true gentleman, both Derp and Jackass tell Pet 'oh, if he can take (GM), then he can take you too; You go with him', and then walk out. That in itself is 'eh', but the why they went about it...'specially Jackass, he left last, and threw out 'Hey, she's your gf, she's your problem, not our's'....If Mom heard him say that, I'd be surprised if she didn't chew him out for that...Admittedly though, not a lot, seeing as she's.....She's a well adjusted woman, out of everyone there, including myself [no duh], she is the most mature and intelligent, espeically for her age...Or more, everyone elses age. But...Her social skills, as well as her...Iunno a word even to discribe it, but maybe her depth?....Her common sense when it comes to stuff as of late is...Shocking. At first I thought it was me being me, a socially inept autistic, as anyone who knows me will atest...I say and think stupid shit at times >w>;; Honestly, I thought I was just out of line, and missing a lot of social concepts...After talking it over with friends [way more well adjusted friends], come to find out, no, I'm actually right on the money, which is surprising in itself, but also, she's acting increadbly...Out there....Iunno, she jsut seems less stable than she used to be, far less predictible and much more easilly upset and provoked.

So we wait for my ride, we jaw on the way to the mall, head home, stop at the store, yada yada yada....We get home around, I'd say, 7:30ish, maybe just under 8, and put most everything away. So I do what I love to do best; cuddle. We lay on my couch [long story, I sleep on a couch; No, I did nothing wrong, yes I like sleeping on it, yes, I'm weird...deal with it], chat, cuddle, tease, typical bf/gf stuff. half hour later, we set in for bed, afterall, neither of us had gotten much sleep the night prior, and it'd been a long day. We shift, we shimmy, we rolls arounda few times, until we're both comfortable....And slowly drift off to sleep.....Now...These next few parts are even why I'm writing.....Dispite the vibe I've given off up 'till now, this isn't me just bitching 'cuz things didn't go my way or someone pissed meo ff....No....Honestly, it's because of this next part, because I'm...sad...scared..worried.......angry....maybe a little betrayed, by the people who I called friends....In a word, I'm upset...And I can't keep this too myself...Ad as it is, I don't feel like getting attacked on tumblr by people who have no place even speaking to me.

Pet...Pet is a girly you would think to be...I guess the sterotypical furry, think they're called popfurs?...Iunno; Bouncy, easilly excitible, friendly, energetic, smily even when there's no reason to....'Reason I said the above before that, is she reminds me of the fox in this one comic strip that hooked me...Not going to go look for it, 'cuz itll break my train of thought here, but 'think it was called 'first world furry problems' or something, save she's not pretencious, just...Everything else, most of the good qualities you'd think of out of that sterotype. In addition, she's an admitted airhead -w-; Though, that is more a...condition than anything else, and lemme explain before you take my head off for that; She was hella sheltered by her family, from what everyone has said [not all at the same time], including her. The school she went to....From what I'm told, and this kinda boggles my mind a bit, the teachers didn't exactly teach, so much as throw papers at them, and let them do whatever. Add into that the last year or two she's been living with her [fucking insane ass, chauvinistic] father, and lied to by him, Jackass, and other parties that will go unnamed [mostly bacause there's too many names floating around already], and literally didn't know at times what was right or wrong, in every sense. That said, she is intelligent, not overly so, but her problem isn't a lack of common sense or anything akin, but just....a general lack of common knowledge. The point I'm getting at here, she's basically an innocent, sweet mind, child-like in a lot of ways, as opposed to childish. And rarely, rarely does she complain, or not smile, or show she's hurting, even when she should....when she does, on any account, it's well passed the line where she should be saying something. Why?...She's being used to being used, and thrown away, which is why she is completely confused on what to do with me, since I have no intentions of that nature. Probably why she continually says she trusts me, and feels safe with me....

So when, after all the lovey dovey stuff, after all the happy times, after what would be a good day [night] in terms of time together....She starts crying, not bawling like you'd see a kid with a dead puppy do, but sobbing, whimpering, clinking onto my shirt and chest, all to the point that my shirt gets stained through, and I have to get a new one by the time I'm up....-shakes head-....She's been 'inexplicibly' depressed as of late, and most everyone else is trying to sweep it under the rug. What I don't think Pet knows is that when she was doing that, between the muffled whimpers into my chest and the heavy breathing from her, she was muttering to herself, not talking to me or even to herself, but....Recounting things, things...I'm not putting on here, but will say.....If I had a gun or my batton, I'd be in jail right now....I've seen it happen a few times, with victims of seriosu truama, usually with it repressed, but it can happen if it's not, easily; Mentally shutting down for a time, kinda like day-dreaming except fully...physically conscious, but mentally unconcious, if that makes sense. In this state, the victim will usually look glossy eyed, the kind you see in horror films or games, and display typically psychopathic behavior; muttering or full on talking to no one, involentary actions, such as movement, crying, even in rare, extream cases reacting to stimuli that isn't there. The reason?...They are re-experiencing their memories, or a twisited version of them. For any of you that know what a night-terror is, or worse, have had one, like me [scary fking shit, espeically when you don't even remember the dream], this more or less is a waking night terror. Pet.....She didn't have any violent reaction, and mostly didn't know what was going on, until I asked her about it....Barely even knew it was happening....

Eventually, it passed, she relaxed, and slowly, mercifully fell to sleep....As did I...Honestly, I believed that it was just something in passing at first, something I'd bitch to Mom about to make the point that all this non-sense is Jackass's fault later.....I wish I was wrong....I'd say three hours later, I and woken up by my instincts, always do that when bad shit's about to go down; cat attacking my leg, sirens going off, someone walking into a room [not so bad], tree limb crashing in through a wall [very fking bad]...So I wake up, with the light on [keep it on to keep track of the cats, since they're fighting], and wondering 'huh...I'm awake...must have shifted position or something'...Not 'oh, that's an arm coming for my face'. Pet was having full on, violent night terrors, no fking clue what about, but I can make guesses from what she said in her sleep...At first, I had the brillent idea of trying to hold her down, but then common sense kicked in; She'd been raped and pratcitcally molested for the past six months, that'll just make it worse. So, dispite the fact her arms were in a flail to hit any and everything, I spun her around and held her, hugged her, getting smacked for it until I could calm her down, convince her she was safe.....thank god she recognized my voice....10, 15 minutes later, she's back to full sleep, and I slide her back under the covers....Clean off a futon we'd had under all this stuff from the house, and curled up.....I got maybe two more hours of sleep before I woke up, and started this...

I.........On a selfish level....I am so...s-so upset that...I finally, FINALLY, have a lover, here, with me, not across the gd country in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, where I have to take a train just to see them every few months.....And the one thing, the one, real, meaningful thing I ever have wanted to do....I can't.....It's like some higher being just is looking down, and fking...cock-blocking me from cuddles just for the fun of it, if any of that makes sense.....Anyone who knows what if feels like to go...years without not only a lover, but physical contact from people you care about, not even just lovers.....you know what it feels like to be alone, without....Which is why you'd probably get pissed, 'oh, the guy -with- a lover is bitching about having one again' or some shit....But....I hope, seriously, that you -don't- know what it feels like to....have everything not only right in front of you, but to also be 'your's'.......And not even able to touch it, so to speak....I haven't felt cold like this in a long...long time.

On a less selfish level....I am absolutely scared for Pet, deeply.....Some time a go, this creeper named Jim [actual name] was...hanging out with Pet. Recently I learned he is her ex-bf from Highschool, and....I've met him, normally I hate saying this about people, but this dude is fking creepy ewe;;; Like....You expect him to show up with a knife creepy. Thing is, this coming from a guy who's been called creepy, and...I am, unintentionally, trying to fix that-- This guy knows it, gives no fucks, and almost perposefully creeps people out. Before me and Pet were dating, he and her were 'hanging out'. More or less, he wants to date her again, admittedly just to bang her. Bluntly, put a stop to that when she became mine. Not risking her safety to even entertain that notion.....but before us, she was hanging out with him, at his dorm, same dorm Mom is in. Few months back ,she came 'home' [to Mom's massive house, where we hang out], with duck tape marks and burns on her wrists-- He's bound her up, legs and wrists, in duck tape. Back then, we all flipped shit, like...Get teh torches and pitchforks, it's mob time flipped shit....His excuse?...She was trying to drink bleach, and was running [walking] around with a knife.....We all chewed him out 'if that's fking true, there's four guys in that dorm, you really needed to TIE HER UP?!", 'cuz she's...We call her midget, affectionately....She...She's not an actual midget, but she's the smallest out of everyone....She could represent the lolipop guild, lets put it that way. If even one of them wanted to lift her up, throw her over his shoulder, and take her some where, they could...Why do I say that?...'Cuz I can, and I'm an invalid.......but looking back on that now....After seeing what happened tonight.....I'm actually starting t o believe his story.....And more than that....Worry how deeply hurt Pet was....These...This...Condition, these symptoms...These are 'over the counter' things, this are 'you goto therepy for six months, and then we talk about the next six months'....

I'm scared, I'm upset, and I am angry........But I am also glad....She is here, with me, safe....No one's going to hurt her, and I'll make sure she's okay....Heaven and hell help me, for things are going to get much, much worse in the near future....

For maybe the next month, I'm probablly either not going to be on, or increadibly angsty and depressed. Only one person following me, my ex-boyfriend, know what any of it's about....But, of course, as is with my fucked up life, he doesn't know anything.

That is to say, there's so much bullshit going around, and such.....I don't even know a word for how bad the lies are getting, but they're getting to the point that normal people, that is people who would react in a normal fashion when confronted with a bad scenario, would either flip shit and start leaving people, or start doing even worst things....And you know what, I'd probably be doing the latter if it wasn't for the fact the fuck who's causing all this wouldn't get hurt-- All my friends would....Gotta love grifters that can make their 'friends' human shields for them...

Anyway, I'm jsut posting this 'cuz I'm talking with a friend, and...she worked the story out of me. Made me think I should just give a few of you a fair warning that things are probably gonna get weird on this journal and gallery....Might tell you guys about what's going on if things get...even more confusing-- I'm not good with people and social stuff, 'cuz of my disabilities...But I'm pretty sure people aren't supposed to react like this.....Worse yet, I think my socially awkward ex is the only one acting like a normal person here ow0 wtf....

but as with everything, drama comes with it -w-;
don't really get why everyone's spazzing; it's my bloody life. It's not like a robbed a craddle or stole something, what does it matter?
nee though....gotta love when random shit happens, and a good thing comes out of it, 'specially a sweet thing.
only issue with me is....doesn't feel like anything's changed >3>; funny that...

That I'm evil, believe me.
If I say...
I'm bad, listen to me.
If I say...
I'm destructive, flee from me.
.
If I say,
I'm okay, I am
and everything will be fine.
.
.
Just a reminder, and yes, I am fine, just...Again, it's a reminder, for when I am emotional.

'cuz then you get slapped about for it...

Just a heads up to all that take notice of me, I won't be on for say a week or soon, as I'll be traveling. sorry to all that causes problems for >w<;;

thisi s my new warcry, and it is awesome =w=~

seriously, I just took a look at my dashboard, and I have more people follwing me than I should, what he heck? ow0

-sighs- So, I met a really nice guy and fucked it up as usual. Sweet thing, friendly, bubbly, reminded me of one of my old pets. We chatted some, and talked abou pointless things. Then I did something stupid like I usually do. I asked him about my former pet Finn, who liked everything the same as him, even had the same mannerisms....Even had the same name too. I thought he might be Fiin, and just forgot me, 'cuz that happens all the time [more than you'd think]; nope...But it looked like it was the guy he wrote about, a weird guy who messaged him with his one rl picture. That would seem to follow, as Finn was....very, very odd, even for someone with hard kinks.

Well, I kept asking stuff to see if it was Finn, and if I needed to block him for being a creeper......'Was an idiot and creeped the guy out, enough for him to block me when I was asking if he was going to be okay......-sighs- and people wonder why I say I'm not good with people....I try and be friendly, and end up scaring people away....guess that means one less friend...

How one person can ruin your night so easily...

I hada great day today. got to play some games, play with my friends and pet, actually get to have a good talk for once with someone, and got some work done finally. Honestly, I was in high spirits until a few minutes ago.

After a month of not seeing this guy, a-- someone thought was my friend, who used to be nice, bubbly, friendly, silly, and who I'd talked to for maybe a good three months? dammit memory, work for once....Compleatly changed and ruined my night in the span of 20 minutes. Last tim I talked with him, he was having a rough time, then just fell off the social net [forums and the like], popping on places for less than a minute, and ignoring all messages, not just from me either. I finally caught him on tonight, when typically everyone's gone, and chatted him up. Immediately gives me the cold shoulder, like I've kicked his dog or something. Mind you, I realize I'm not the best person to be around, I know I'm annoying as all hell, and can be pushy....Up until he poofed off the world, he was coming to me to talk, and we talked over things, like his problems, his fears, stuff like that. He vented to me, and I never pushed him away, or vented back on him.....Maaaaybe my perception of the world isn't the greatest, but to me, when someone listens to you and your problems for an hour, and tries to sway your doubts about untrue things, you tend to not dislike them without a good reason...

Anyway...we get talking, and he gets on about DOTA2. Now I don't play DOTA, or any other MOBAs besides Smite, and even that I only play because I was invited to the Beta and was bored [Never play a Moba game unless you have nothing else to do in your life, and have a high tolerence for bullshit]. Even still, I know hwo stressful that game can be, especially with how serious people take it [insanely serious, you'd think it was a medical operation for heaven sake...]. Now this was a guy that rarely said a bad thing against another person or thing over the two three month span I knew him, unless tere was good warrent. Immediately his cold shoulder turns into a blunt passive agressiveness, and clearly directed at me. by the time the talk is over, he doesn't really ry to hide it, and before bum rushing out of there, he basically tells me off for using emots too much, which I do, that's not the issue. Issue there is that he used to use emots MORE than I did -w-;; Scary thought.

-sighs and curls up- Iunno...I'm used to people being dicks and hating me by now, not say he does, but......Honestly, this was a guy I was decent friends with, and someone I could hng out with, irl mind you......After having no friends for 18 years, I'm...Very sensitive about losing friends, and even more so now, seeing as most my friends were taken from me [grifter bastered up and stole my friends, long story...]...Losing someone I really liked, and hoped for something with, take that how you will, just...Really upsets me...Eh,guess that's life....No one ever stays...No one..

Besides being sick, having friends and partners in different time-zones -w-

When you get a good idea in your head, or find out something, and want to tell them, only to realize thar while it's noon where you are, it's night there, or that they're morning is your bedtime....I have one friend...let's see--

I'm on the East coast of the US, one of my friends is on the West cost, one's in Britin, another in Ireland, one in Germany, one in Australia, and another in Australia, on Euro-asia time, if that makes sense.......I have to remember timezones like I;m back doing logistics ;w;

I got into the PS2 beta~ I don't think I can say more than that, but, I finally got let in...So I don't have to buy that bloody alpha squad pack >w<~

Thisi s just awesome, and now I'm in Rush-bunny mode~ though, I already know I'm going to lose a good few weeks of my life to this game x3 aw well, it's an awesome game, so

And things just went further into the shitter.....I'm fine, don't expect any emoness after this post, but fuck life...Why do you need to be such a crule bitch? -x-

Pretty sure I just lost one of few people I've ever loved....Pretty typical, honestly. Not really meant to have such things....-sighs- It was my fault, for being so weak about the situation, and letting my stupidity get the better of me...

He has a bf afterall, and I'm just thier master. I'm the third wheel, now without a car.

Well....Guess it's going to be a great birthday this weekend. Luckily it's not mine...

---

Murr....I really hate waking up to find notes, especially ones like these......irony is, I was going to post a picture about us all today...

guess that isn't happening..

Sorry everyone who's got a 'commission' with me, I've been sicker than sick, and out of comission, no put intended. Getting out of -bed- is painful and difficult, and considering how stiff my body is, I doubt I'll be doing much (good) drawing...

Again, sorry guys >w<

So, apperently, or possably I shoudl say, someone hijacked my Blog, and started attacking my former friends -w-; Immidately, one, who has bad blood with me, points the finger at me, possably (probably) without solid evidence....So~ my weekend is going to be getting through this shit storm~ ^_^

Why can't people jsut leave people alone?...

Dammit you sonna a-- Oh wait, we're live....screw o3o;;;

So I'm -finally- getting all my submissions and the like ironed out. -w- I litereally just re-re-submitted everything I submitted in the last two weeks. Fun stuff. To those of you who I was doing stuff for, if your pic's not there, pinch me and I'll get on that. -x-;

Hopefully, now that I'm getting a little bit better, health wise, I'll be able to get more stuff out, sketch and coloring wise. I still got a long way to go with my skill level though. >3>; Need to work on that a lot. Even still, I might start up commisions-- Cheap ones of course-- and...Yeah, not really much to say there. owo;; 'got a rough price list I came up with a couple months back, time t put it to use. And also, jsut a small note-- Why the heck don't we get folders for our submissions? =w= I get either the main or scraps, really? Makes things a bit messy and confusing -w-;

I also will be starting work on a 'major' comic, and posting the first couple chapters here, and other places as well. I say 'major' and 'comic', but really it's an indy manga. A friend of mine is starting up a new story arc in his spare time, and wants to turn it into a comic. Thing is, he can't draw, and while the other two people he has can, they only do concept and backgrounds, not full fledged stuff like I do. -w- Which is a bad start in itself when I'm the 'main' blood artist for a comic series. >3> Anyway, I'll post what we do here, and see if you guys like it, sotry and art wise. owo^

Oh, and, I reposted the picture for Skia (again), and it says he's in the hospital and in ICU; And update, He's alive and 'well'. He's been awake and talking for a good week now, and he's is usual bubbly, subby self :3