God i gotta stop being a ghost here!

I will upload more another time. Gotta spread em out n all heh.

Much love!

God last journal was a year ago.

Im going to keep this short and sweet.

First the bad. Im going through alot of things that I dont plan to explain since there is so much. But this is up to and including losing my job recently and acquiring a slight drinking problem, which im dealing with as best as possible now that i recognize it.

The good. I am planning to be more active every where that I have. Here, my three twitter accounts (yeah), my stream ( twitch.tv/glaide ) and anything else i forgot. The other thing is I have a small addiction to VR Chat now thanks to being part of the shiba squad, created by the animator PikaPetey https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCE.....Rkdr1JmLaXAKwA From time to time I will upload some pictures taken in the game!

The misc. Curious about the Shiba squad? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yw6oUHAuTmU and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tooF_pwEl_I are a pair of awesome vids to check out! Also from now on the character Brent will be Glaide. He is more my main character than anything else right now and thats what I prefer to be called when my furry name is used anyways. The raccoon tanuki boy who was glaide is now Old Glaide just to keep it simple.

Thanks guys and stay awesome!

Ive been very quiet and almost inactive here on FA as of late. Life has been stressful and quite honestly I can say without exaggeration that I've been at the worst point I've every had in my life.

No depression details will be given... but shortly after my birthday (march 11) I had another seizure (march 20th) but this time I fell through the glass door of my shower. Shattering it and thus messing my legs up pretty badly. This lead to me being off work for 4 months on short term disability.
Plenty has happened between then and now with myself. At work and out of work as well. Alot... Those are the details I dont feel like going through though.

That said, now that FA:U is done, I plan to be more active here again like I used to. Ill be doing some trimming of my watch list n such. Will upload images as I get them (or a little later on artists requests)

Will start commenting on stuff as well. I just need to join the community again. I feel that I've been trying to disappear from peoples lives. Which is ofcourse unhealthy.

Thank you for being patient with me guys. I am trying to do better. For myself and others.

Is my birthday. I'm an older old English sheepdog today! Lol

Lately I havent had alot of positive to say to anyone...

I havent felt myself as of late, and I feel it is starting to show more and more every day. This has lead me to getting shy over interactions with others outside of my day to day life. Been even hiding from all of my local friends here where I live. Every day I feel more and more empty even though I am taking steps towards changing myself... or atleast bringing back the person you all met and seemed to like. Meds, psychiatrists... the whole bit.

I recently have been feeling that I have been bothering and or hurting anyone that I talk to. Leaving me in silence whether from myself keeping my mouth shut... or the other party just not replying to me anymore for what ever reason.

Guys I am ready to outright give up. I dont know what I can do any longer. Every time I gain grounds on my issues, my mind finds something else to dwell on. More and more I have been wishing simply that I was dead... that I wasnt in anyones lives so that leaving the mortal coil would be less of a scary thing.

I know I have been more sensitive to any comments... hell even started having mental breakdowns to the point I couldnt function or move until I stopped crying. Ive never felt so weak and meek in my entire life. I have been battling this clinical depression for most of my life... literally 20 years of fighting. Im 33 now and I have little to nothing going on for me in my life... and no signs of that ever changing.

If I have ever wronged you, upset you or hurt you... please let me know. I promise I will never darken your doorstep again. You guys should just start severing your ties with me... there is no use in keeping me in your lives anymore. Im just a waste of flesh and time as it is. I can barely stand myself either. Ill understand...


Well thank you for reading my rambling journal...
Im sorry ive been such Trash as of late...

I have nothing positive to say anymore it seems. I am barely active here on FA... and I flat out hate myself.

I started to write a journal posting all my thoughts as best I could once upon a time. I could not finish it due to hurting too much and unable to form coherant thoughts.

I am now going to post it. THIS IS NOT A POSITIVE READ. It is not edited at all. Its a mess... take it for what it is. If you part yourself from me after seeing all of this, then so be it.
Right now I am ready to just... leave. everything. This fandom, my friends, my life. Everything.

So I dont care what people think of me anymore. I have this negative imagination of it anyways. Even though I know better than that.

Anyways here is the journal.



First thing, this is not going to be a very positive journal. If you don’t want to know whats going on with me, click away now.

If you continue, thank you for at the very least reading.

(I have no idea where to start or where to go from thought to thought, so It may seem like I am rambling… and I am…so bare with me)


As you may or may not know, I have been suffering serious depression for a long time now. And it has been steadily getting worse. This journal will hopefully serve the purpous of letting al of you know whats going on.

Lets start with what you may already know.

Ive been depressed to the point of self hate, wanting to hide from the world and the like. I always think that people don’t actually like me, or don’t actually want me around. I have a verylow self esteem and have veryt low belief in my abilities to function.

Lately I have been feeling worse and worse about my existence, to the point that scuicidal thoughts started wandering back into my head. Now before you go off the handle on me, I have no intentions of acting out anything. Never did, never will. But the thoughts are there. They make me question if it is actually worth it sticking around anymore. I often find a negative response. Which scares me a little.
As those thoughts got worse, I wanted to just start hiding and separating myself from all the life I have. All the loved ones and friends that are out there in my life. I just didn’t want to exist anymore. Since I wouldn’t actually end myself, this was the next best option. Don’t know if it had been noticed or not, but I have been getting quieter on social media as a result. With random times of activity when I feel I need to share or just be silly and stupid.
Aside from not feeling like I will ever accomplish anything and being quite lonely, a lot of my depression stems from different forms of jealousy. I hide this fact from even those I had confided in as I felt that all these reasons just made me sound selfish and greedy. Seeing others happy, enjoying each others company. Having significant others, or even just someone they can curl up with if need be. Hell I even have been jealous of peoples birthdays. Seeing many get gifts and well wishes is awesome, but when your own birthday comes around and you hafto flat out announce its your birthday to get anykind of anything (no im not asking for gifts) then it kind of hurts. Intentional or not (I assume most is unintentional)
I see people tweet about being upset and depressed, being stepped on or even feelings of being used all the time. Immediately getting response. I do the same and if I get ANY answers back.. its usually from people I don’t know that well. Which thank you to everyone who has reached out to me and offered your ear or even a shoulder to cry on. I find sharing a lot of details usually pretty difficult,
but recently the mask we all put on when we don’t want to burden others with our problems has started to hurt too much, which has caused me to easily break down into tears or even small anxiety attacks. I just cant hold onto my problems anymore. I need to put them out there so you all CAN know, if you so choose, whats been going on in this messed up head of mine. I honestly feel my ability to function in normal life has been getting weaker and weaker as the weeks go by.
I honestly feel like that guy that people geniuinely enjoy the company of when there in person. But when Im not around, I feel like Im forgotten about or just never thought about. People have stopped inviting me to things most of the times. Im usually very out of the loop for any goings ons. This all leads me to having serious issues wanting to even go out in the first place as backwards as this sounds. On the rare occasion when Im invited out, I have doubts of if ill want to even be out. While I DO go out and attend what I can… I easily find myself going quiet and hiding off in a corner to watch everyone else having fun. Hell even at FA:united I would hide away from all the awesome people there.
One of the scariest thoughts ive been “entertaining” recently is that I literally do not know what happiness is. I sat and thought about it, and every time I came to the conclusion that I only know what enjoyment is. I enjoy moments that I have, with people, games anything. But when it is done and past, that feeling goes away. When I think of lasting enjoyment and happiness, I always come up blank. I just… cant even imagine the feeling anymore. I feel broken and empty everytime I try and figure it out. This actually scares me more than my suicidal thoughts. Making them feel like better things to occupy my mind.


I recently started seeing a psychiatrist, having gotten a recommendation from my locum at my family doctor’s office nearly a year ago. I suppose the timing was just right with having these suicidal thoughts. This is after another reference I had from my actual family doctor himself, who turned out to be a joke. Unprofessional, not even asking if I was alright after finding out my grandmother passed away.
Anyways, as I mentioned I had started to see a new psychiatrist finally. I asked for the recommendation initially because I was getting desperate for an answer, or help beyond all my friends who are willing to lend an ear. Looking to possibly get medicated. Thankfully the doctor Im seeing about this agrees and has put me on medications for my ADHD which they plan to tackle first before my depression. Hoping that it will help lessen the issues.
I have taken to adding goals and hobbies into my life that will, hopefully, help me move further away from all these feelings and bring something alittle more… bright. I have started streaming games so that others might come watch and share my experience. I am not doing this for fame of any kind, just want to share my experiences. I need to create a more solid schedual and actually keep to it. I have also been workout for 5 years now, and haven’t SEEN results. Ive gotten plenty strong and yes I see results in my belt, but I still feel like I am fat and haven’t lost anything. So I have started to record my workouts with my trainer in hopes to make a montage video of my fat loss… and to share with anyone who wants to watch some bad video editing. I have a good amount of footage so far, and am still compiling more. Finally I recently got my hands on a cello, and will start relearning how to play it again. I played it for three years in grade 7 through 9 and know I loved it. I would devote most of my free time to playing and practicing playing (when I wasn’t playing video games ofcourse.)




If you got this far. Thank you for reading this. More has been added to my thoughts on this, positive and negative alike. I dont even really know whats in this journal anymore. Nor do I care to find out. Again thank you for reading.

Where are you staying?
Camping under the registration table.

What day are you getting there?
Wednesday. PREPARE YOURSELVES!

Who are you rooming with?
A king sized bed!

Who will you hang out with during the convention?
YES!

Are there any panels you might be attending?
Atleast the charity.. other than that.. what ever I have time for.

Will you be suiting?
*ugly sobbing* I has no suit!

What is your gender?
Canadian

How tall are you?
5'19"

Can I talk to you?
If you can form words of the English variety then yes! I am a friendly fellow. Though bless my Canadian tourettes.. I tend to apologize lots.

Can I touch you?
HELP I NEED AN ADULT!.. Um.. depends? Do I know you? Or are you some random person creeping up on me.. If the latter then expect me to hide under a table somewhere.. anything else YAI!

How can I find you?
Oh, you know...
Here and there
Out and around
Round and about
hither and thither
back and forth
to and fro
up and down
in and out
over and under
hippity hoppity
round the corner
over the river and through the woods
lickety split
Clockin the Jizz
grindin the axe
up to no good
nippin the bud

---

good and plenty
loligaggin around
makin the rounds
paintin the town red
packin a load

---

huggin a tree
skinnin the dog
skip to my loo
sowing my oats

---

passin a stone
shootin the breeze
jumpin the fence
humpin the horse
dancin a jig
spinnin a yarn
sippin the cider

---

flexin the pecks
broomin my doo
packin the peat
lickin the chicken
pinchin the pennies
dosey do
(*ahem* also.. the Reg table is where Ill be most often)

Can I visit your room?
If invited.

Can I buy you drinks?
Yes!.... but you will hafto drink them for me!!!

Can I give you stuff?
I mean... sure! Do not mistake my confusion, its just not something Im used to. <3

Can I hug or snuggle with you?
Doubt it? I dont know really. But ask first.

How long are you going?
Whole weekend baby!

Do you have an artist table?
I has the registration table! PRIME REALESTATE!

Will you be going to parties?
I havent the foggiest idea.

Will you be performing?
You mean... making silly voices here and about and prancing around like a twit is performing? I DONT HAFTO DO THIS RANDOMLY????

If I see you, how should I get your attention?
Call out Glaide... or mention something about poutine or maple syrup.. or some Canadian shit like that...

Where will you be most of the time during the day/s?
Running around doing con things.

What/where will you be eating?
Where ever Im dragged off to.

Can I come with you for food/fun/etc?
Maybe? lol dunno!

Can I take your picture?
I hold no responsibility for broken lenses after taking pictures.

So this past friday I woke up to unfamiliar faces again.

Went to the washroom to take care of morning business only to come too later from having had another seizure.

Spent the rest of the day in the ER going through a miriad of tests to find out WHY I had this one...

BIG shout out to  Dragoneer and  Sciggles for being as my side most all of the day! Wouldnt have been able to really take it mentally if you guys werent there for me.


I am doing better.. Still sore, will be taking extra time from work to recoup my muscles. Bit my tongue pretty badly during the episode.. so for now I have a lisp and eating is a little difficult

But otherwise Im doing just fine..

Thanks for your concern everyone. It means the world to me!

I know many of you won't read this, but I need to put it down somewhere.

I've decided to dial back on social interations beyond social media. Ive been feeling less and less of any real worth outside the internet. I know this may sound like Boo-hoo whining, but I cant shake any of these feelings.

Its literally been bringing me to tears thinking about hanging out with anyone, not feeling worth the time anymore. No one person has really done anything to bring about these feelings. Just feels that everyone seems to be moving on in life, while I sit and stagnate further. Even some of my closer friends are growing more and more distant from me. For what ever reason they may.

There are some that I dont even really talk to outside being there in person, and sadly they are across the continent. Really hurts sometimes when I cant just enjoy the company of anyone without fears in my head making me sit back to think that I shouldnt be where I currently am.

During these next few months, I will be working on bettering myself so that I might have a higher opinion of myself. More confidence. Maybe then I can return to being a "normal" person. Who knows....

My thoughts have been getting more negative every day, even with these plans in place that are easily followed. Some even getting dark... and those ones scare me. Make me feel rather defeated and just wanting to give up. This doesnt mean hurting myself or anything like that, you can rest easy there. It means just shutting myself out from the world thinking I genuinely wont be missed.

Just dont know what to do anymore beyond word out my frustrations.

If you want to contact me my twitter is Glaidec you can msg me here anywhere (all venues are opened and checked frequently) Face book exists.. but I dont check it enough to warrent having it or being contacted via it.

My steam ID is Glaide if you want to check me out there as well. Speaking of steam... its sad when your love for video games feels like a chore to get to. My mind is so plagued that I dont even want to get around to doing that anymore. Yet I buy new things to play more games. More up to date games.

Anyways I'm honestly rambling at this point. If you read through this, thank you very much. If not.. well thats honestly what the back of my head is expecting these days. Thats okay too though. Its never fun reading crap journals like this.

Again... I will be keeping to social media, just a little less active. I just will be cutting my real life interactions down, as I dont feel others have a need for me to really be around anymore.

Thanks again for reading this. Take care folks.

Packed and waiting for my cab! See you all at FA:U!!!!!

I hafto say this.

FA Has lots of flaws... yes I admit it! I wont cast stones at the site for such things, I am not perfect in anyway myself....

But what really bothers me is the USER base. And not the lack of maturity here and there (though that does suck) No.. the lack of anyone even GLANCING at the god damned rules for uploading!

Biggest thing I see is posting game screenshots and art that does not belong to you (games movies n anime.. I wont even GET INTO Plagiarism itself)

This is a VERY simple rule.. and it has been spelled out VERY clearly from the BEGINNING of Fa existence!

Guys seriously... just follow SOME of the rules at least. It will make this site a lot cleaner for content others really don't want to see.

Tumblr is a very nice free resource that I believe you can post stuff like that on, and link in your FA journal to it. That is allowed!


(ps. Bless my bad grammar/spelling. I'm not preaching any of that for a reason.)

Well as the title says. I had another one apparently.

Not a granmal (sp?) atleast so im not sore all over.


Week and a half ago I passed out getting ready for work... only to have problems breathing.. and then passing out. Fell back into the shower which luckily the glass didnt break. Just popped out of place. Went through all the testing I could get done in such a short time. Three doctors all thought it wasnt a seizure (from my epilepsy)... but it came down to Today when I went to see my neurologist.

Unfortunately he decided it was a seizure. And thats all it takes. 6 months no driving (seizure free) which is unfortunate since my job IS driving. Chances are I will be quitting that job since I will not be able to perform. I am not trained in anything else (its a millwork shop, so could be dangerous) and I will not be able to GET to work ontime either.

I will be on new medications starting tomorrow.

I really dont know what I can do at this point guys.

Sorry if this journal does not maky much sense, but Im just not mentally right at the moment

Thanks for reading

And im still saying the same thing as last journal.

Hurts even more than before. I really am clueless, powerless, useless to do anything anymore.

I know its comparing, but when you run into someone you know that is 7 years younger than you, has just bought a house, makes 6 figures a year... and you yourself have no direction, ambition in life... its crushing...

I still live in my parents basement for crying out loud... and I honestly thing that If I werent, id probly end up a couch surfer. A Useless leech to society.

I really dont know what to do with myself anymore. How to do anything. I move from one shitty job to the next, never really able to keep anything solid anymore. Never making any kind of money to even fucking live on.

I cant help but feel like a piece of trash day to day.

Yes I enjoy the moments I have with my friends, but those feelings only last so long when the moment is over now, which I am ashamed to say.

I just dont know anymore.. I still am fighting back tears day to day... Im such a piece of shit..

sorry guys... i needed to word out somewhere... There is still so much I want to say... but I dont want to hurt anyone or do anything stupid

Guys this may seem sudden.. as I dont really update my fa..

But im done.
Everything ive done lately, said, felt... all feels wrong.

It may not be the right choice but it feels all I can do anymore.. Im just going to shut myself off.. no opinions shared feelings.. nothing...

I cant handle anything anymore. No my life isnt as bad as a lot of people out there... but im just done... I cant even drive home from work without being in tears anymore...

Wow its been TOO long since an update.

For those of you who don't know, my twitter is GlaideC this is where I keep myself up to date with the world for the most part! Follow me!

On the main note, Ive been thinking of commissions lately. Ive been burned A LOT in the past and its hard for me to even want to consider getting art done of my characters. I still love it, but Im a little scared.

That being said, I am starting to seriously look at getting animations done for a couple of my characters. Some of Brent, but mostly for Cyrus Kanan. If you know any animators worth their weight in salt that I should be looking at please drop me a hint! Money wont be an object as I will save up for each case. And all animations planned will be clean serious to silly.

Please lemme know what you guys find!

So far I have spoken with  Juco on his stream about it. He seems interested when he has free time to take on commissions (currently working on a project)
and I have made a mention to  LordDirk after seeing an amazing animation compilation ...for actually the same project that  Juco is working on.

Ive gotten an animation in the past form  ajin as well and loved it so may consider him again.

Thoughts?

So im now rounded out at a wise age of 30 today.

Neat. *chuckles*

I think I need some new avatars for both twitter and here...

By the way guys. My twitter is https://twitter.com/GlaideC if yeah wanna follow me there. I update it more then anything else out there!

I do have some art I REALLY need to scan and post here. Ive been so dead on my social media accounts as it is.

Drag me back guys!

Bit late to drop this here. But I WILL be there. Looking forward to seeing all of you who come out to enjoy the weekend!

Have a chance at getting free art from  reddyeno5 ! Awesome artist so this is a great opportunity!

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3276145/
check out the journal!

Anyone out there hitting up the new fur con In Edmonton Alberta?

Fur-eh?

I wanna go, but a room mate would be cool to hit it up with (to lower costs of the room ofcourse)

Toss me a shout if interested!

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6932947/ www.fureh.ca Its furry and its canadian! (that and  Reivegan s beaver he did up is adorable!)

Im at a point where I feel I need to pick up and just move. Start a new life.

alot of negative thoughts have fed this one...and I feel very strongly about it. Just dont know what to do though.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2631464/

Dipper is doing a neat little celebration of 7000 viewers! Go check out the journal!

In the next few days ill be reviving my activity on this website.

I have alot of art to post that I have not been posting. Comments I should be giving like I used to.

Keep an eye out for my account guys. Hope you liken what I put up!

Well guys ive said my peace. I decided to delete the journals as I have calmed down.

Lets leave what was said in the past, and not bring it up again.

As for one of the journals. This is more than just here on fa. I still havent gathered my life together and it just caused a bit of a shock to me.

Lets try and be happy guys, I know ill try to be.

Hey guys my twitter account is Glaidec add me if you like to hear from/about me regularily... Im about to hit 1000 tweets aswell *chuckles*