Well time for another bout of depression. Diference is I seem to understand this one. And I think it bothers me more.

Well I recently applied for a pre-employment welding class at Sait. There was 10 of a possibly 28 registered already so i should have gotten in right? Wrong. A week after registering I get mail saying that I was rejected because the class was full. Normally, even though this was hoped to be the start of a career that I needed, this wouldnt be a set back. Except the fact I had been talkin to my managers at work. They had told me someone is returning to my store and were curious about giving her my position. Being fully my choice they told me (and it was) I said that she could have it, pending I get into this class. So now as a result, because i needed to be part time while i schooled, Ill be enjoying part time hours. Which means little money. Well fuck sake..thanks for stepping on a guy who is finally trying to do something about his pathetic life guys.

They said that I have been put onto a waiting list, but this is a pretty big crushing blow to my confidence. I was gettin so excited to get myself back to school, and actually doing something about it. Only to have the school say "No U".

I was doing better mentally, shrugging off most depressing feelings. But with this set back (minor or major im not sure yet) all these depressing feelings are splashing over the wall. I cant hold back the tide any more and Im getting quite depressed again. I dont think ill be continuing my psycologist anymore as I dont feel any progress worth paying for with her. but now...I just dont know anymore what im going to do.

Feelings that are comming to me are as follows:
Crushed
hopeless (yes i know im not but i feel it)
jealousy (dont bother asking I wont say)
loneliness
useless
and finally Lost


My life is a style both physically and metaphorically. I cant seem to keep clean living quarters for more than three months. I cant seem to keep a clean mental state for a while. I feel ive fallen from the social tree from what I once was.

That last point is not a popularity ploy. I dont give a shit about popularity, Ive seen it does no one any good unless they are at bottem of the barrel. I feel that I have fallen from who I once was. I used to be social in this community, and my local community. I cant seem to hold any consistency with my friends anymore. Either they dont return my contact when I contact them, or i just fail to contact them myself.

My good friends here local I see once in a blue moon, with the acception of one of them. Any of my other friends seem to be once a year and thats only for a short little time.

I dont know there is much more i can say here but I dont know how to word it anymore guys. Im just lost in this world.

Hell Im not even really wanting to goto the gym anymore, and i was proud as hell about that. I even got myself down to the fourth notch on my belt.

And before anyone says it. I know im better then what i say for somethings. Im semi good looking (if having alittle more girth than I would personally like), People enjoy being around me (when they are around me), and im not a lost cause. I dont need you guys to be telling me this. Ive come a long way from who I used to be. Had I not changed from who I was to who i AM, I probly wouldnt even be here writing this journal right now as i am. My life would have probly taken such a drastic turn that I may not have even been in this fandom. which would suck as it seems this fandom right now is all I have.

I dont know anymore guys. I just dont really know.

After many years of wanting to and planning to... I just fuckin broke down and CHOSE something...

I applied tonight for a pre employment class for welding. It will be a full time class 8 to 5 monday to friday for three months.. But I will be able to take my 1 year test afterwards.

I just need to wait to see if I am accepted! Cross your fingers for me guys. Im moving on in my life finally!...

FINALLY!!!!!! *proud of self for once*

You know thinkin about it. I have my fears in life. One being the fear of heights, places that I cannot turn around in (tight places...but not in a claustrophobic way).

But one of the real fears that i just cant seem to get my mind around, understand why I have it or even begin to get over it.....is the fear of dancing...something about it just petrifies me, makes me nervous and shy.

I dont know how many of you out there know me in person...But Im not a shy person at all! I used to be once upon a time. But (thanks to this fandom actually) over time i have gotten over my shyness. And look at me now!


Dancing is just one thing that I still cant get over. And it makes me anxious nervous and sometimes alittle depressed over being the only one now "having fun" as it were. I know i dont need to dance to have fun, but its something I would like to do...

anyways just wanted to get these thoughts off...comment if you want to ^^ always appreciate it!

Im so quitting!

I fucking give up. I dont know what i can do to get you working right. nor does anyone else it seems....

fuck me two ways from Tuesday

Hey guys...my plans suddenly got accelerated for the fursuit i wanted to get. I need to know who you all would recommend for me to commission to get a suit done.


The character ill be getting done is... Cyrus Kanan! http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2648518/


I need help and info sooner than later at this point! Please help me out!!!

Taken just now with my trusty webcam....remember guys. I dont have long hair anymore..cant find me by the back of my head *chuckles*

See you all at FA:U!!

[img]http://img138.imageshack.us/img138/.....0527.jpg[/img]

Just a small rant from someone who has been burned alittle bit by this style of commission.


While I understand 100% WHY you want a pay upfront...life can intervene with your work when you take on said commissions. Im not calling anyone out on this...its just sad that I see alot of artists that I would like to commission larger pieces from (rather more expensive pieces from) that want full payment upfront. To me thats no guarantee that I will receive the product I want (or at all).

I love the pay on completion...as a customer. But to you the artist that is also completely unfair.


My prefered method of payment is actually a half and half solution. for inks and colors this works well..sketches well they tend to be in the cheap range and pay up front isnt such an issue (IMO). But for colors and inks...I suggest the pay half upfront...sketch is shown for approval. Once approved then payment is rendered in full, and artist then finishes the piece.

This way neither parties really get burned. Artist gets paid atleast half even if a customer bails in the process. And the customer can guarantee that they will receive a product..


thats just a personal rant, not telling anyone to change their methods or pointing fingers at all. Just a rant

....

and alittle pout *chuckles*

Lookin for a Roll Call!

I wanna know if you are going to be there at the con to be at!

Lemme know again I wanna meet yeah! I may do another journal like this at the end of the week aswell!

TELL MEEEEEEEEEE

You know, the more i sit here going through submissions here on fa. The more I feel that ive lost my place in the fandom.

This bothers me greatly. As it is, this is the only place I know. I cant say I have much of a life outside of some friendships I have here where I live. I see all these couples images and i get really jealous every time. Even just people getting images for others or getting images from others just as a gift. I dont know how to say this without being a dick but what the hell do I need to do to get myself into a known state again?

I have friends, but I wonder how much I feel that I am a friend to even them! I dont feel that Im in anyones life at all. Zero, nadda.

Im feeling more and more desperate to the point i need to speak out. I want someone i can have to be close with. girlfriend boyfriend what the fuck ever. Im straight...but that just isnt working for me. Im grasping at straws now and still getting nothing.

Fuck do i feel lost. Lost cause.

Am I commin to my end here in the fandom? I dont want to be at my end in the fandom. Ive given myself no other place to go. I dont know what I can do anymore, Im starting to get scared. Everytime I find myself crawling out of the hole. I just let go and fall back into my depression. I need a helping hand and just dont know where to look anymore.

I want my friends to read this. But all my local friends "dont read journals". These feel the kind of things i cant just say to their face. Not without breaking into tears and looking like a complete tool.

What is my worth? what is my worth to you? What is my worth to myself? Fuck I hate this!

I want to ramble more but im only depressing myself now. Im just going to curl up. Thanks to those of you who randomly decided to read this after being suckered in from my title.

There is so much more I want to say. but I simply do not know how to express them in words. Yet another thing I have always sucked at....


sincerely yours
Lost

SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK

http://www.thinkgeek.com/brain/wher.....=0&y=0

Bacon GUM
Bacon SOAP
Bacon GUMMY
Bacon SALT
Bacon MINTS?!?!?!?
Bacon LIP BALM?
Bacon JELLY BEANS
Bacon FLAVORED POP....WTF???!
Bacon FLAVORED ENVELOPES?!
Bacon CAFFEINATED BACON-MAPLE LOLLIPOPS?!?!?!?!??!?!
....BACONNAISE.....




Bacon why have you taken over...im going to go curl up in the corner over there and cry over the new world order....

*sob sob*


P.S. Yes these are all real! (there is a couple there that are april fools but nothing i labeled)

you know I think im about ready to try at getting into a relationship again. Im gettin quite lonely. And seeing all of you out there hooking up all over the place... well its humbling i think.


Only thing is i still dont have any real experience. my first girlfriend was almost an accident *chuckles* work relationships dont work afterall right?

For some reason or another, lately my new character, Cyrus Kanan, has grown in popularity.

Thanks for all the comments and questions guys! Makes me really happy I created him! Expect more art of him to start appearing as I get more commissions done!!

Okay i got myself cornered here.

No "No cheating" comments please. its all single player experience so its innocent cheating. I just want to enjoy games that I cant pass heh..

Well i updated the firmware to 6.2 lately. and now my action replay on my psp wont work, the psp will not boot up when the battery is enabled. I can un enable to battery but i dont know how to get my action replay working once again..

anyone have any helpful info for me?

Sending out a shout nice n early as my journals feelin stale! Who all will be there so far?

Ill be there for sure. Three years running. Will be proud to be there as an admin from the site. Im really excited


So lemme know if your comming! I wanna meet yeah!

If you arent registered yet... get to it!

http://www.faunited.org/conadmin.cgi

So i have a very hectic day going around getting things done with my mother. and I come home and get a msg from  dragoneer asking me if I enjoyed my shout flood.

Wholy shit all of you guys are so awesome! I dont blush often but i was so taken from all the wishes!

Thank you all so much for makin my day!!!

Tommy you will be missed terribly. I love you for ever and always. And you will never be forgotten
[img]http://img706.imageshack.us/img706/.....sthn.jpg[/img]

I have compiled a small slide show with the aid of the beyond awesome Ritts of picture I could find of Tommy.

We are about to leave with him for the last time...

Thanks for listening, everyone.

Please if you can take a moment to watch the slide show (its only 2 minutes)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mh4t.....layer_embedded

Edit It is done. As of 10:15am March 5 2010. That was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But, I was happy to be there in his last moments. To hold his head as he relaxed into his next life.

Tommy you will be in my heart always.

Also please leave a comment on my youtube link if you can. it would mean the world to me

This is the day and time that we will be putting my dog Tommy down. I will miss him so much. one of the happier dogs ive known in my life. Right until the end. He doesnt have the energy to really be himself anymore though. Has troubles standing, needing help. Often just falls down.

Atleast hes going of just old age.

That doesnt make me any happier.

I will be posting a small collage of him when I get the time to make it tomorrow.

Setting a Profile Picture (or "How I do dat?!")
1) Upload a photo or image to Scraps (only scraps will work).
2) Go to the Profile Info tab in the Control Panel.
3) Set your profile image!
4) Done.

Profile Picture Rules (or "Things That Don't Anger Admins!")
1) One profile image per account. If you have more than one... we will remove it. You've been warned!
Please note: If you're using your current submissions as a profile image, that's spiffy-keen. The limit above only applies if you're uploading images just for the purpose of uploading profile images.
2) Profile images must abide by all rules set forth in the AUP/TOS. No exceptions!
3) Profile pictures must be work safe.

Things to Note (or "That Didn't Work Out Quite Right...")
1) Transparency does not work at this time.

Here is the post copy and pasted.

Please read part 2 of the profile picture rules. I understand you all want to use a random image guys. Which someone of them are freaking funny and I love seeing them. But screenshots of tv shows, games, and random pics you find on the net are against the AUP. Which stands they are not allowed to be used for your ID.

Setting up a new router I talked my dad into helping me pay for. Hopefully this will help my connection issues! Wish me luck!

Thank god that day is over. yes I know its "just a day" but to thse single folk or even just the folk who dont get vday gifts from friends it still kinda sucks seeing all the other gifts *grrr argh*

Okay day done bed now!

Also thank you computer for not letting me play my game all day like I wanted *grumbles more*

Yeah you all knew it was going to be one of those journals.


Why does this day hafto make you feel all so empty if you dont have someone around. Not even a friend to enjoy the day with. Fuck i hate this day right now.

Also would play games online but my computer HATES me... Power house computer and it randomly hangs up due to some glitch i cant pinpoint at all...and playing mmorpgs with this glitch tends to be problematic.........


fuck me =\

Well Ive been seeing the signs for some time now. My dog... well hes a bit at the end of his life. Hes having alot of troubles standing up and climbing steps. seems half of his head is alittle caved in. One side of his face seems lazy. Ive noticed this thanks to my parents leaving him in my care as often as they did. My mom was the second to join in my thoughts. We just dont want him suffering anymore.

Ultimately, though, it is my fathers choice. He is his dog. Today he and my mother has spoke about it. My dad apparently got quiet. So it seems he is starting to understand. it feels time that we are all gettin ready to let go.

Tommy has been, hands down, the dog we all loved the most. Always smiling, never really understanding unhappy or angry. I know that everyone who has met him or even just seen him fell in love with him aswell. Our neighborhood all know him from the times he went exploring the neighborhood. They all seem to love him aswell. This is going to be one of the hardest things ill be going through when it happens. Togger because a grouchy old man at this age, and was let down on my way to a security job. That night was pretty hard. I dont think I would be able to face the world the day of or after when we finally let Tommy go.

So if i just disapear a couple nights you all know why. Its probly a month or so away. So its in a little bit. but im already shedding tears over him. I spent some time sitting with him. He just looked at me and started smiling happily. Shit this will be hard.


Thanks for listening to me blabber on. Ill be on my way to bed now

Night all!

That people are getting bored of you.


been noticing a trend lately. People seem to be bored of me. Mostly on irc... Kinda makes you feel shitty when not even internet people are interested in you....


ohwell depression continues...stay tuned

How can you win that which does not exist?
I have realized that nobody can lose The Game.
Nobody!
There is no Rule 34 of The Game.
Therefore, until porn is created of it, it does not exist.