sence of worth degrades over time. frustrations grow. When one cant get out of a depression theres problems.

I am takin a break....contact me if you with on aim. itll be the only way I reply right now

For those of you that do not follow me on facebook or furaffinity, there will be some info here that may confuse you. It has been a long time since i have been here. I'm sorry I wont be recapping what has happened in the past years.

Frustrations: They stem from family friends and work. Quite often they pour from one category to another and create new frustrations. The only way to remedy frustrations is for all the causes to lessen. For others to help lessen them.

Lately I find myself increasingly more frustrated with my work and social life. So many things happen at my workplace that bother me and I feel my voice is going to a wall. My social life. Yes I hang out plenty, but its lacking things I want. Not to mention past problems resurfacing to cause more problems. Right now these are both trickling over into my family life. I am finding myself increasingly more and more frustrated at home over the littlest things when I really shouldn't be. This combined with other peoples frustrations mix as well as oil and water. They clash...

I know some things that can help me alleviate these frustrations, but unfortunately I've dug myself a hole I'm having troubles crawling out of. I can't make changes in my life right now, when I need it the most. When I state this, I get criticized for not just doing it. Guys I know you want to help but life WILL stand in someones way if they do not see a way out that they can reach. Please realize this. Currently I am blocked at nearly all angles. There are some possibilities. But I do not know how to approach them just yet.

Here is the scoop in short form. I am at a job (whom I enjoy the staff) that I am not progressing at all in. I am a high-school drop out with only a GED, and feeling dumber by the year. I am still single, although I would be happy with just a close friend to curl up with at this point. (no need to rush things) I cant drive because of my seizure and being diagnosed with epilepsy. Which has me grounded from being a lot of things. (NO the bus is not as helpful as you say when you hafto wait 30 to 60 minutes in the dead of winter do not remind me of that) I am feeling a burden to a lot of my friends lately. I cant save a dime to save my life. Lets face it, I"m not the cleanest of fellas. I'm more disorganized then I would like to be. I am overweight and having a lot of trouble losing it. (due to habits) Everything I used to love, is starting to become boring. I easily get annoyed with the littlest things when I know I shouldn't. I am out of shape. (different from the overweight) ...Alright so this wasn't short... I am too afraid of change, dispight knowing how I need it, and want it. I am 26 and still living in my parents basement.

I want to go on but I have a feeling you all get the idea.

I am feeling lost and too deep in a hole. I don't see my way out anymore and I am feeling lost lately.

Wording this all out to everyone has calmed me down from being angry at least. And that's what i had hoped for. I guess it was just time to just tell everyone what was on my mind. (more detail is to be had...but i think this is enough for now)

Thanks for listening everyone. It means a lot to me.

caught sight of  iggi 's avatar and had to see if she would make one up for me. Thankfully she was willing!

Avatar get! Cyrus loves his booze. Poor guy leads a rough life and needs alittle hit to take the edge off

Apparently I'm a douche admin.

That is all.

Still feeling depressed dispight  scappo and  misplacedspigot commin on skype to give me a swift kick in the ass. I felt alot better after talkin with my good friends ofcourse. but the depression wont go away over night. Still having certain feelings that make me just want to curl up and avoid all life. Ofcourse thats a bad thing to do, so hopefully my local friends will keep me busy enough to help pass the depressed feelings.


All I can say is thanks for all your support, Everyone.

Somethings need to happen in my life and I just dont know how to make (or help) them come about just now. The will happen for sure. I know this. (and certain people wont let me forget) But we all must go through hard times. And sometimes just getting ready for a big change is the hardest thing to go through. Ive been through a couple in my life before, so i do know things will turn out.

Just bear with me in the mean time with all my whining here on journals.; Makin these journals are actually doing good for me being able to get things off my chest and what not.


Again thank you everyone for your support!

Special thanks going out to my local friends, Scappo and Misplacedspigot aswell.

Depression still isnt lightening up. Getting to the point where i cant just smile and let it go until i get home and am alone anymore.

Im feeling desperate now. Breaking into tears just from listenin to music (not even sad music). Getting jealous of everything I see. feeling left out EVEN when im WITH friends. Always feel like the extra un needed wheel (for what ever number of people there is)

I have no sence of style, I hafto borrow someone elses style just to get a good outfit or anything. I dont know how to pick up girls guys what ever. (yes i said guys...i feel im getting desperate to that point aswell and I really dont want to)

Fuck i dont know how to live a life. I just coast and its a terrible thing. Im no longer noticed at all. :Greedy part: its incredibly rare anyone does anything for me without being asked.

I feel I live in a world where no one gives a shit about anything. No one follows rules and is just out there for themselves. What happened to HUMANITY..fuckin hell what humans act like these days is not what i call humanity. (nearly got into two accidents this morning cause ONE guy (yes both times with him) had to rush and be first....)

i feel like im going to explode and just hafto curl up and not want to go out into the light anymore. Feels pointless.

I feel like im part of nothing. yes Im part of the wonderful admin team here on FA. Im sort of a staff member at FAU and other stuff. But it always feels like im "just there to fill space"

Most of my friends dont even seem to read journals anymore, So saying anything is pointless to those who are local. The last journal I mentioned they were doing me a huge solid by inviting me out....they havent read the journal. And im not going to point it out to them either. I would feel like someone just lookin for attention at that point, Which im trying to not sound like


WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG IN MY LIFE?

Im such a lost cause in my own mind that it hurts.

I really dont know what i can do anymore. I dont know what to think or feel.


Fuck this life!

Im just at a breaking point

Edit: Scappo is 100% right Im sorry scappo. When rambling we can all me a turd

So I ordered the ravage USB many months ago as a gift for my friends birthday (and shamelessly i ordered myself one aswell hehe)


Well he finally released and just arrived this afternoon!

Hes so cute. Finally a ravage thats more 3d! (rather than the movie version)

[img]http://img22.imageshack.us/img22/43.....47lm.jpg[/img]
"Go forth Ravage!"

[img]http://img682.imageshack.us/img682/.....ower.jpg[/img]
"I HAVE THE POWAH!!"


Edit
Keep in mind the showing images in journals is supposedly a tool admins only can use.

F5 me folks!  Tox did an awesome job of Cyrus Kanan as Billy Jigsaw!

You know when you see ... in my title that something is wrong with me yet again *chuckles*


well simply said..depressed feelings are coming back more often then normal...starting to get worried about myself

Man it is so liberating to get drunk every so often (not very often mind yeah) but seriously......goign with your boss to a bar and getting..."nearly" piss drunk is insane amounts of fun....but then my boss n i are pretty much friends sober or drunk. We both think alot alike (except he has alife heheh0


okay drunk and typing bad...so im going to sleep now...night all!

Sometimes one just cant do everything for themselves. Sometimes they just need to reach out and ask someone for the help they cant provide for themself.

came to a near breaking point tonight, verging on tears from all the recent thoughts. Thankfully a couple local very trusted friends are taking me out to the leisure center tonight for some swimming (they dont know how much i need the company right now...may tonight if they read this)

Maybe Im thinkin to much lately or maybe my feelings are more justified then I know. Until I know some more answers I cant vent or pour my feelings out into you guys. I know you all want me to vent so you can help. And I will when i think i should. But I think i need to keep it to my local friends for now.


Love yeah all n all that jazz. Always love your supporting words when you guys comment on my journals (which are seeming to come around alot more often lately)

I might post a new journal later tonight depending on when I get home

So many things that I want to say, mention and otherwise rant about. (nothing about fa mind you) But I cant do any of that without sounding insanly selfish and jealous n all those bad things...fuck this is beyond frustrating for me


Any PMs askin me what i wanna rant about will not get an answer to their question (will acknowledge though)....


FML

Ever get the feeling that you missed the boat?


*rubs the back of his head and sighs* All I gotta say I think

Is fucking wrong with kids these days. The kid across the street (who we think is vandalizing most of the neighborhood we just need to catch him in the act and call the cops) just said, and I quote. "Yeah well my hoodie makes me look bigger so its good!" in his deepest voice he could muster (and i have heard his regular voice since he happens to often be on the same bus i take to get home).


Seriously, What the fuck are kids learning these days? Where does all this dumb shit come from?


Damn I am feeling my old side tonight *face palms*

Hey guys I dont normally do this. But a friend of mine is being tossed out on her ass apparently (foreclosure). So she is selling as much as she can to raise funds to send her dogs off to a safe place (rather than the pound) while she gets herself back in order. Just doing a quick plug for her journal to help get the word out!

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/981454/

Thanks for havin a read and click!

So all my tests were comming to an end this week. And man did I get this week started out with a bang....or rather a HUGE flop..

Cat scans...negative
MRI...negative
EKG...negative
Blood tests....negative (infact healthier then I thought I was)


I still have my 24 hour halter (heart monitor) to endure on thursday, aswell as seeing a cardiologist tomorrow morning. But this afternoon I saw the Urgent Neurologist again. The bearer of bad news himself. He was the guy that told me no driving for three months while all the tests happen. Well comming to end of all the tests he hits me YET AGAIN. Apparently my EEG scans came back with something. theres 4 levels he said 1 being normal all the way to 4 saying i may have epilepsy. Well im ranked a 4 apparently. You know im all for doctors giving it to me straight but have a fucking bedside manor that could atleast ATTEMPT to make your patient feel at ease dispight bad news. I said to him it could have been a bad scan of sorts. not even a moment past after saying this in hope he comes back with "Thats not likely" Fuck dude...just shut up and let me feel SLIGHTLY better. So now I hafto start taking a drug to prevent seizures...but the kick is they dont know the right dose. So starting at this dose i go for a month...and take a blood test. Only then can I tell if its right or wrong...its its wrong I get a new dose and go another month.

At this point I say yes I know this is an issue that should be at the front of my mind. But to me its second. First comes the fact i have no freedom in this city for longer. I just got my lisence and now its taken from me. In a city when im at the extreme edge of it and everything I want to get to is on the other side or close to it.....bussing is really not an option. Well i can use it but fuck it takes hours to get around. Nothing like having your freedom you just got get taken away from you. Worse is im on the honor system...so really if something happens then im screwed but i CAN drive...You know how tempting that can be?

I left nearly in tears on my way out of the hospital. I dont know when Ill be getting a chance at having a life that I want. I know it may seem like im just crying. But for me its an issue enough to get depressed about.

For once in my life I have an actual reason to be depressed (over the combined issues..not just one alone)

I wonder sometimes why I even try. Then I remember Im stubborn and forget easily......Is that Ironic?

I dont know at this point Im lost...make fun of me if you will. My dad already got mad at me for how i feel about all this. Least until my mom gave him shit for it..and I came back up and better voiced myself (i initially just walked away before i started yelling and balling)....he never even said he was sorry after I did.

Anyways this is not about that....

So theres your update...im out of here....see you later

P.S. Since the seizure..sneezing HURTS like a sonofabitch!...front and back of my chest hurt to the point I hafto pause from the pain. Is hard to breath every so often after a sneeze. (this happens 75% of the time)

Edit: I KNOW WHY THEY SAY NO DRIVING stop mentioning it! I am well aware of the reasoning and understand it. but I dont hafto like it.

Well Im no artist..was wondering if someone out there would tackle a pic of myself..


I wanna join this bandwagon. Im loving this meme too much!

A good friend of mine poked me and offered. I accepted the offer!

Yai for me!

WWRYYYYYYY *tears flow like waterfalls*


WRYYY do you haunt me sooooo!????1


For some reason I have the punch out songs in my head and I WANT TO FIND MP3S OF THEM! *flails around on the ground* Believe it or not I found some on Itunes...*sheepish grin* and downloaded them all..BWAHAHAHA



Help me find more awesome punchout mp3s of any kind? PLEASE? I love you long time!

Okay guys this has been nagging at me for a while now. I hafto say I Hate big game releases of mmorpgs, pc games anything as there tends to be a flood of game screenshots. Please read the acceptable upload policy before uploading. Game screenshots are explicitly against the rules. So if you upload an image and one of us admins removes it. DONT dont complaining at us about it! We are upholding those rules that are written very clearly.

And for those who whine at us about removing other peoples submissions. The newsflash is that we are trying our damned best. We have but 12 people working on the site (not including the coders). We are human and we do miss things. If you feel the need to point out a submission to us that is against the rules...please feel free. We will take care of it when we can. But screaming and yelling at us (and some cases swearing) will not help at all.


ive more to rant about but im going to stop there...

...early in thay morning!


http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/5.....a7e3a12e98.swf


Just a Flash Vid I was shown recently...actually decent lip syncing...and IT IS SPARTA!

go watch it!

Im still depressed...swallowing back tears on the bus on the way home...

I dont really know whey im depressed I guess.

Is it sad that listening to Avenue Q brought on the lump in my throat? *sighs* I may need to seek professional help *face palms*

I hate posting these journals as its a cry for attention and help...but im just..ive got nothing...

Ive been havin bouts of depression lately..some I understand...most I dont. And its starting to weigh heavy on me. I want to just go out somewhere and relax but sadly im unable to.

Many of the reasons is that im pure lonely. Keep seeing the mate icons and feelin jealous. Just dont know what to do to shake this depression anymore.

Dont really know how to look for a girlfriend. the first one was an accident. yeah i just have no answers right now




emo journal end now

....lately. Stupid yawns are mostly unfulfilled...I cant finish my yawns...ARGH ANNOYING ....

What you thought this was a serious journal? No Im just pouting that I cant finish a yawn...its like the sneeze that ran away before happening.

I feel like dislocating my jaw will somehow solve the unfinished yawns....but I just end up with a hurt mouth *chuckles* argh!

This is a review of Wii Sports Resort.


I got this game on the day it released and started playing it. I must admit..it was all of mediocre. Exactly like Wii Sports save for the being more detailed and more then 3 games.

Tonight though, I discovered an underrated drinking game.  Misplacedspigot came over to give the game a try out with me. The game instantly went from mediocre to WHOLY SHIT FUN. I was gettin excited over fuckign frisbee throwing...but thats not where this game made our eyes sparkle. No.

Fencing. Has three game modes. The single player in which you slice at wave after wave of people to get to the next level, fun but bland. Then theres all out fencing.....On a platform above the sea! The object is to knock the other off the platform, this is how you score a point. 2 of 3 wins the round. This can get pretty intense when you are playing against a friend standing right next to you. The other game in fencing was Speed slice. This is where  misplacedspigot and I got roudy. The ref throws two items up...and then they come down after a random time with an arrow saying which way to slice it. The object ofcourse is to slice yours faster then your opponent to get the point (it can get close enough that the judge hasto stop and think). What makes this even more fun...is that you can keep slicing the item in question afterwards. And not just on certain points. No...where ever you slice it slices.

Bowling. Now we all know bowling. We all know Wii Sports bowling. Well aside from the norm, there is two other modes. One mode you hafto learn to control the spin of the ball to avoid obstacles (the better you do the harder the obstacles). Now, we all remember the bowling practice on wii sports where it goes from 10 pins all the way to 100 pins. A very satisfying mode to play there is no doubt! Nintendo took this concept and made it into an AWESOME drinking game! No longer do you start at 10....You start at 100! All 10 frames are of 100 pins for up to a max point of 3000. This is INSANELY satisfying to play. Not to mention getting a strike on all 100 pins? Well I jumped for joy when I got a strike. Best part is the replay now includes a slow mow (I decided that wasnt a typo). Hearing all those pins on a strike in a slow mow, its just juicey!


Ofcourse there are some other funtastic games on there. Ping pong FEELS like pingpong! theres airial sports (we just tried the dog fight where you shoot the balloon on eithers back side)

If you have a wii...go pick this game up! and get an extra wii motion plus (atleast two will make this game insane fun)

So got some blood work done yesterday...the results came in already (since I was at the doc getting a doctors note for work I asked for the results)

Blood sugar.....normal...
surprisingly cholesterol isn't high


only one thing came back slightly high...my ALT levels (Google it i dunno) ....she said that hepatitis your level would be at 2000....something else she mentioned it would be at 500....below 60 is the normal...mine was 65...so nothing serious....


This means everything came back OK for blood work!...

I now need to wait on my Holter monitor (24 hour thing i wear to monitor my heart or something) which is scheduled Sept 24th (will call to steal a cancellation), my EEG Sept 2 where they probe your head to scan it n what not (same story as the holter monitor for cancellations), and my brain MRI..which is yet to be scheduled....

So far all tests are comming back good for me! Heres hoping it keeps up like this