Two weeks on, and my heart still bleeds.

I can't help but feel at fault for his death.
I feel like I made the wrong choice.

I've received his ashes now, but I struggle to hold the bag that contains them.
I can't believe that's him. It can't be. He was so much more than just a small bag of ashes...

As you can probably tell, I'm not coping well with this loss.
I had a routine with him, my Biggles. He'd always be in the bathroom resting...
If I stayed up late at night, he'd come begging for attention...

If I was in the kitchen, he'd sit at the gate and do his adorable little tricks...

He really was a character. I loved him so much... But even love must have its limits...

I bought two Tiffany kittens last week. Two beautiful girls. 18 weeks old, but born around the same month Biggles was.

One of them looks so much like Biggles, minus the short nose.

I named her Miss Biggles, in honor of the late, handsome prince, Mr Biggles.

She's so sweet and talkative, but she can't even meow properly, and her temperament reminds me so much of Mr Biggles.

The other, I named Sasha. I'm still unsure about the name for her, it's not really sticking for me yet...

She's super cuddly and so very perky. Her eyes are so gorgeous too.

I worry about them as they're still young and everything that had happened regarding Mr Biggles had left my wallet the lightest it's even been in years, meaning if anything happens, I may have to dig into my long untouched savings. So, I'm praying it doesn't come to that.

If you'd like to see pictures of the new kittens or of Mister Biggles, you can find a bunch of them or request them in my discord server, the link to which I've got listed on my profile page.

It doesn't feel it, but I just hope I made the right decision for Mr Biggles.
My biggest regret is that I may have taken away however many years he still had left.
People tell me I couldn't have known how things would go.
They're right, but I'm still the person responsible for him.

I still remember the last words I spoke to him, before and as he passed...

"I'm right here bubba. I'm right here..."

Oh Biggles, you joined our family so late, but you left a lasting impression.
I won't forget you. I refuse to. You were my duty to protect and care for.
I will continue to do so, even as you rest in the afterlife.
I hope you know how much I love you, how much I miss you and how much I want you back.

Please, rest easy my little champ. You had an amazing life. But even the most sweetest of princes must rest...

Last Sunday, I had to make a difficult decision. A decision that will likely haunt me forever, or for a very long time.

My beautiful boy, Mister Biggles, a gorgeous Chinchilla cat, had to be... put down.

His death was avoidable... But it wasn't cheap.

He had developed an infection, which caused his diabetes to flare up and thus, wasn't able to stay hydrated propperly.

He was in very bad shape. But... He was still there. Still moving about as well, he just felt really bad.

I really hoped he'd perk up in those last few minutes with him, tell us he'd want to go home... Or say he was hungry...

He improved... But it wasn't enough for the vet to say he'd make it as is...

So I was left with a choice... Spend 10k to save him, or call it quits.

I refused to believe what I was hearing. I... I wished it was all a dream. It felt like a dream.

But I had to make a choice eventually... He was old, almost 14 years of age. But he was still rather lively, before he got sick that is.

I tried avoiding euthansia as much as I could, throwing in so many "maybe he'll this" or "maybe we can do this"...

I wish I had paid more attention to him, shown more concern for him, he would then still be healthy and alive.

That's what I like to think, at least...

I miss him so dearly. The house already feels so empty without him.

He had such a personality. He was a character.

But now, he is no longer with us... A full week before my birthday too... Talk about timing...

I was there for his final moments... I don't regret that in the slightest. He was my responsibility. I loved him and I know the feeling was mutual.

I just hope he knows the choice wasn't easy. I hope he knows how much I miss him.

He was the perfect cat, even the story of how he was adopted just shouts 'Destiny brought us together'.

My past self would not forgive me for giving up so quickly on him... I don't forgive myself either. But the hardest choices... Are usually the best ones.


My little Biggles, I'm so sorry.
You deserved so much better.
I just hope, wherever you are now; it's as good as or better than when you were with me.
You were my champ.
I miss you so much baby.


If you can see a picture of him on my profile page just below.

I can't say a lot of things are going my way at the moment.

My interest in porn has SIGNIFICANTLY diminished to the point where I have actually considered transferring the ownership of my characters to some friends and leaving the fandom, which a friend I know has.

I say this because my bad experiences in this community taunt me when I am at my lowest and I am haunted by the enemies I never meant to make.
Like they say, people find it easier to remember what you've done wrong, rather than your good deeds.

I've statistically met and had more good experiences than bad, but bad experiences always hit harder than good ones...

Interestingly enough, I've had some people contact me regarding ordering commissions. I do wish I could fulfil their wishes, because it always brings a smile to my face, creating something for somone... Unfortunately, my therapist believes I might be suffering from anhedonia, which effectively means I cannot engage myself in any hobby I used to enjoy, which rather depressingly, also includes video games.

After years of avoiding and believing weed is bad, I've finally caved in and decided to give it a go.
The cannabis does help... Makes me feel stupid... So I don't like taking it. It feels wrong. Doesn't feel like me.

I still don't know what to do with myself. I carry with me so very many regrets and wrong-doings, stuff I wish I had or hadn't done.
I made memories with people who are no longer interested in being around me. That's the sort of thing that's hurting me the most, at the moment.

Memories of a better time. A time when I actually felt special. When life had felt worth living

Now I just feel like a stain that some people would have rather never met.
And here I am, already paranoid, just waiting to run into another one.

I try to preach positivity because, they say what goes around comes around.
I just hope things get better soon.

The kindest people really do suffer the most.

Merry Christmas to all, give your loved ones a call and don't forget the decked halls!
I love you all, it's no feeling small.
Your kindness keeps me here, so I'm here now to spread some cheer!
Thank you all for being so kind, you really all are one-of-a-kind!

I hope you all enjoyed my rhyming, especially since it's my first time trying! (not really)

Merry Christmas. <3

If you're reading this, that means you care or are curious. I thank you for both.

I've been in this community long enough to know my name has reached well over a thousand people's ears.
Some may remember the name, others might only remember one of the characters. Some may not remember me at all.

I'm popular. Popular enough, that is.

My DMs are not hounded, there are no impersonators and my characters are just too mundane to steal.

I'm glad for that. I have made some good friends, admittedly there's some people out there that I'd really *really* like to befriend as well.
Truthfully though, it's up to them on if they want to build that bridge. I've always been the shy type.

As for myself, things are going sorta okay. Not as good as I'd like, but we're getting there.

But oh boy.

I keep forgetting that I am the eldest sibling and that I'm like a legend to some of my little brothers.
I had a "You're my little brother, my job is to protect you" talk with one of my siblings recently. Poor fella. But God, do I love him.
It's crazy when I think about it. He is so much more of a gentleman than me and yet, he still looks up to me.

Reminds me of that one Regular Show episode where Rigby and his little brother fix their relationship.
Fucking hate how relatable that show was at times.

A family is such a precious, fragile thing...

I want to say something inspirational, but inspiration comes from inside.

(You are not getting my insides! >:D )

I keep interacting and befriending the worst fucking people. People who use the title of 'friend' as a facade just to fuck you over.
I've had people try and leech off of my 'popularity', I've had 'best friends' turn their backs on me at worst times.
I've got god-knows how many people sandering my name, I already know two, not including their lackeys.
I've even got some knobhead making dating accounts in my name...?!

This community just craves your mistakes. One slip and that's it. I am one miserable motherfucker right now.
No one cares, the selfish cunts that put me in this spot in the first place certainly don't.

Yeah, I know I use journals to bitch a lot. Yeah, I know it's annoying. Yeah, I know I should go see therapy.
Does talking to you people about my problems help? No, not really. But I'd rather not leave people hanging if I disappear.

I just wanted to live a semi-normal life. Draw stuff, work on my OC universe, character stories and so much more.
I dealt with a lot of shit these last six years. I don't feel like myself anymore. I am every meaning of the word 'broken'.
I feel so disconnected from everything that made me... 'me.'

I have no goals I wish to pursue anymore. I now have to deal with extreme public anxiety, I can't even do a Maccas run without feeling like freaking out.
I feel undriven. Unmotivated. I just want to give up. But I can't.
I don't have the guts to harm myself enough for it to be fatal and I am fearful of medication overdose, from my last attempt.
(I don't want to end up as a vegetable.)

I cry so much. Nothing feels the same anymore. I spent so much time and energy trying to a decent person, but now look where that's got me?
I hate how easy it is to be reminded of bad encounters. To be brought back to square one.
I am in this mess because of people I had met and befriended. I let them influence my life. I let them in. That was my biggest mistake.

I want to do things. Big things. I wanted to make two really cool games. I wanted to start a comic. I wanted to start streaming.

I don't even know why I write these journals, there's nothing you people can do other than offer advice. I am just screaming into the void.
I still hope to pass away in my sleep. It's the only place I feel happy anymore. I am tired of feeling so miserable, not even medicinal edibles help...

I don't even want help anymore. I just want to sleep. I am so exhausted just trying to fit in with others...

But I'll keep trying. Some days are tougher than others. My family is a fragile thing and I don't want to be the reason it all falls apart.
Hopefully next year things will improve. My discord server is a little inactive, but that's okay.
It exists, there are some good people in there and that's all that matters to me right now.

Sometimes I get so caught up in things that I forget some of the friendships I still have.
Good people that I don't give enough attention to. Maybe it's for the better...

I have a server that all are welcome to join.

Not a lot of people are in it yet and it looks like it may stay that way for some time.
As of writing, less than 20 out of my 1500 watchers have joined.
I get that most people on FA are here just for the porn and some people don't even read journals, there's no changing that.
That's just how they are.

In the future, I plan to host Jackbox party game sessions, giveaways,
stream and plenty of other stuff to keep the server a fun place.
For now, I'm still working on myself, but all this bad news and negativity is making it tough to stay positive and move forward.

We're all in this together. Link is below.
If the link stops working and/or my account is banned, check my other social medias in my profile section.

https://discord.gg/ukbdkVBX6n

"All mistakes that we make are a learning opportunity, if someone holds a mistake against you, then they haven't learned anything."

"A person of good-will always understands."

"The open-minded should never have to pick a side."

"Right-wing or left-wing, an aircraft needs both to fly, politics are no different."

"No-one is immune to the intoxicating effects of hatred, remorse is what seperates us from the evil."

_{(Thought of these myself, but someone has probably written something similar or identical at some point, I am pretty proud of the meaning behind the first quote. It resonates very deeply with me.)}

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"The highest form of knowledge is empathy" - Bill Bullard

"Empathy is not about being nice or agreeing with the other side. It's about understanding them" - Chris Voss

“Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.” – Jesse Jackson

"When you look deeply into your anger, you will see that the person you call your enemy is also suffering." - Thich Nhat Hanh

"You can't change someone who doesn't see an issue in their actions. No matter how much you love them, how clearly you speak, or how patiently you wait, if they don't recognize the damage they’re causing, your words will fall on deaf ears." - Kings Coach

"Appearing better than others is always dangerous, but most dangerous of all is to appear to have no faults or weaknesses." - Robert Greene

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There are many other great quotes out there, maybe some of you have one that you swear by?
You are more than welcome to put your own quotes in the comments!