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Parting Notes
Posted 15 years agoSome of the people this is written to may not read it, but those of you who do have my undying gratitude for the time you spend here.
As you may know, there has recently been a lot of tension between myself and other people. My relationship with An Unnamed Person changed me in ways I didn't expect to be changed. My fear of Unnamed Person began to dissolve as I thought of ways to word this, and as of now, I will not back away from saying these words. I will stand by my feelings.
I must leave this account, and everything that was part of me when I was tied to it behind. When I first came to you, I was a naive person, easy to control, easy to manipulate. The only thing it wasn't easy to do was understand me. But before I go, I feel I owe thank yous (and apologies) to those who have formed me into the person I am. The person who has, even in finding out how easily replaceable they were, made an effort to recover from their situation.
First of all, the person who brought me out of my days of hiding out, lurking on TF2chan, was seaweedprincess. Her strongly-written and highly-characteristic work drew me out of hiding. I said "I want to be like that." And fortunately for me, she responded to my piss-poor doodling and invited me into the realm of Skype. I feel silly talking about IM clients and websites like this, but it really was like I stepped from one world into another. I felt as though I was stepping out of my youth, and into my adulthood. Where I belonged. Because of her, I ended up meeting some of the greatest people I have ever had the pleasure to know. I am eternally thankful to her for this, and I will always consider her an extremely close friend. Regardless of however much or little we may speak.
The first person I watched on this website, on this account, was milku. She was the person who singlehandedly took a lost, timid, TF2Chan lurker and turned them into this furry person who's journal you are reading today. And throughout all that, regardless of whatever differences we may have had, she has stood by as someone willing to call me a friend. I have a feeling it's always going to be that way for the rest of our days. Because of her, once again, I was brought to a place where I met some of the greatest people I have ever known. I cannot thank her enough for all she has done for me.
After I had spent a little time on Furaffinity, I was beginning to feel very comfortable with my surroundings. I had been very standoffish of the whole furry fandom in general, until I began to come to an understanding that some people here are the kind of people you cannot imagine your life without. The most stand-out person of this category to me is ginahyena. No matter what awful things happened to either of us in any social circle at all, I could always rely on her to be there to talk, and listen to me, about anything that might have been going on with my life. Upon connecting with her, I connected with those she knew. And those people, if I may be repetitive, are people I could not imagine my daily life without. I legitimately believe that she is a good person, inside and out, and that the world benefits every day from her life. I cannot go a single day without wondering how she's doing, what she's up to, or when she'll be around next. That alone tells me that this person is going to be someone near and dear to me for a very, very, very long time.
Time had passed, and there had been terrible misunderstandings. I had been trying to support Unnamed Person in any and all of his endeavors, no matter how they managed to hurt other people. Instead of trying to see how those people had been hurt, I was staying close to him. I hope you all know who you are, I am terribly sorry for what I have done. I was acting out of love, but in doing so I lost something very near and dear to me. My life without you all has been a living hell. I hope someday that you can forgive me, and that everything can be like it was before. I legitimately care about all of you, and I hope you all understand that I never meant to hurt you.
I have something very specific to say to you, Unnamed Person. If you even take the time to read this at all, which it wouldn't surprise me if you didn't. I don't know that you realize it, but you spent month after month constantly hurting me. Whenever I could talk to you about my feelings, you were frustrated with the way I did so and pushed them aside. I understand that things were difficult for you, but you don't seem to understand that it was difficult for me too. There are still days I wake up thinking I am a person who deserves to die. However, it doesn't change the actuality of what I did for you. I made more effort with you than I did with any other person I'd ever been with. I gave up on a lot to make our crazy pipe dreams come true, and it ended up hurting me more and more as time went by. And you know what? It never happened. Because things like that don't happen instantly in a realistic situation. Even in an ideal situation, things like that don't happen right away. Almost everyone I knew told me "this isn't going to work out between you two" or "he's trying to sabotage the relationship so you break up and he doesn't feel guilty about something he's already doing" and "he's totally different now". But you know what I did? I ignored all that. I cared more about you than the fact that these were people trying to make sure I was going to be okay. How stupid I was. You really did change. You really did become someone else entirely. The person I loved has been dead for months now, but I still put everything I had into you. The person you are now is someone who can eject people from their life, and then easily replace them. I've spent this whole evening thinking I'm a disgraceful human being, an easily-replaceable piece of trash. All because of you. I will not allow you to control my feelings like that anymore. I still have the absolute fondest feelings a person can have for what you were before. What you are now is someone I absolutely despise. Regardless of all this anger I have for what you did, I do not wish any ill will toward you. I will always be concerned about you, your health, your future. I hope you have a long, healthy, wonderful life. But please do not ever expect me to be a part of it again. I cannot forgive what you did to me, and how it made me feel.
With all that out of the way, I want to say goodbye to all of the watchers and new friends I had made in the time I spent on this account. You are all like angels to me, with every word you say to me it is an inspiration for me to move forward with my skill, my emotional growth, and my life in general. I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for all of you. Those of you who came to my new account, imonfire, have my thanks. Those of you who choose to stay here as I leave this name behind, I appreciate the time we spent together, and wish you all of the best.
Thank you all for everything you have given to me, I hope some day I can help you as much as you have helped me. This is absolutely not goodbye, so much as "come with me toward the future". I feel that leaving all that happened here behind me is the only way I can move on with what life I may make for myself from here on.
6:00 AM
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Final Entry
As you may know, there has recently been a lot of tension between myself and other people. My relationship with An Unnamed Person changed me in ways I didn't expect to be changed. My fear of Unnamed Person began to dissolve as I thought of ways to word this, and as of now, I will not back away from saying these words. I will stand by my feelings.
I must leave this account, and everything that was part of me when I was tied to it behind. When I first came to you, I was a naive person, easy to control, easy to manipulate. The only thing it wasn't easy to do was understand me. But before I go, I feel I owe thank yous (and apologies) to those who have formed me into the person I am. The person who has, even in finding out how easily replaceable they were, made an effort to recover from their situation.
First of all, the person who brought me out of my days of hiding out, lurking on TF2chan, was seaweedprincess. Her strongly-written and highly-characteristic work drew me out of hiding. I said "I want to be like that." And fortunately for me, she responded to my piss-poor doodling and invited me into the realm of Skype. I feel silly talking about IM clients and websites like this, but it really was like I stepped from one world into another. I felt as though I was stepping out of my youth, and into my adulthood. Where I belonged. Because of her, I ended up meeting some of the greatest people I have ever had the pleasure to know. I am eternally thankful to her for this, and I will always consider her an extremely close friend. Regardless of however much or little we may speak.
The first person I watched on this website, on this account, was milku. She was the person who singlehandedly took a lost, timid, TF2Chan lurker and turned them into this furry person who's journal you are reading today. And throughout all that, regardless of whatever differences we may have had, she has stood by as someone willing to call me a friend. I have a feeling it's always going to be that way for the rest of our days. Because of her, once again, I was brought to a place where I met some of the greatest people I have ever known. I cannot thank her enough for all she has done for me.
After I had spent a little time on Furaffinity, I was beginning to feel very comfortable with my surroundings. I had been very standoffish of the whole furry fandom in general, until I began to come to an understanding that some people here are the kind of people you cannot imagine your life without. The most stand-out person of this category to me is ginahyena. No matter what awful things happened to either of us in any social circle at all, I could always rely on her to be there to talk, and listen to me, about anything that might have been going on with my life. Upon connecting with her, I connected with those she knew. And those people, if I may be repetitive, are people I could not imagine my daily life without. I legitimately believe that she is a good person, inside and out, and that the world benefits every day from her life. I cannot go a single day without wondering how she's doing, what she's up to, or when she'll be around next. That alone tells me that this person is going to be someone near and dear to me for a very, very, very long time.
Time had passed, and there had been terrible misunderstandings. I had been trying to support Unnamed Person in any and all of his endeavors, no matter how they managed to hurt other people. Instead of trying to see how those people had been hurt, I was staying close to him. I hope you all know who you are, I am terribly sorry for what I have done. I was acting out of love, but in doing so I lost something very near and dear to me. My life without you all has been a living hell. I hope someday that you can forgive me, and that everything can be like it was before. I legitimately care about all of you, and I hope you all understand that I never meant to hurt you.
I have something very specific to say to you, Unnamed Person. If you even take the time to read this at all, which it wouldn't surprise me if you didn't. I don't know that you realize it, but you spent month after month constantly hurting me. Whenever I could talk to you about my feelings, you were frustrated with the way I did so and pushed them aside. I understand that things were difficult for you, but you don't seem to understand that it was difficult for me too. There are still days I wake up thinking I am a person who deserves to die. However, it doesn't change the actuality of what I did for you. I made more effort with you than I did with any other person I'd ever been with. I gave up on a lot to make our crazy pipe dreams come true, and it ended up hurting me more and more as time went by. And you know what? It never happened. Because things like that don't happen instantly in a realistic situation. Even in an ideal situation, things like that don't happen right away. Almost everyone I knew told me "this isn't going to work out between you two" or "he's trying to sabotage the relationship so you break up and he doesn't feel guilty about something he's already doing" and "he's totally different now". But you know what I did? I ignored all that. I cared more about you than the fact that these were people trying to make sure I was going to be okay. How stupid I was. You really did change. You really did become someone else entirely. The person I loved has been dead for months now, but I still put everything I had into you. The person you are now is someone who can eject people from their life, and then easily replace them. I've spent this whole evening thinking I'm a disgraceful human being, an easily-replaceable piece of trash. All because of you. I will not allow you to control my feelings like that anymore. I still have the absolute fondest feelings a person can have for what you were before. What you are now is someone I absolutely despise. Regardless of all this anger I have for what you did, I do not wish any ill will toward you. I will always be concerned about you, your health, your future. I hope you have a long, healthy, wonderful life. But please do not ever expect me to be a part of it again. I cannot forgive what you did to me, and how it made me feel.
With all that out of the way, I want to say goodbye to all of the watchers and new friends I had made in the time I spent on this account. You are all like angels to me, with every word you say to me it is an inspiration for me to move forward with my skill, my emotional growth, and my life in general. I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for all of you. Those of you who came to my new account, imonfire, have my thanks. Those of you who choose to stay here as I leave this name behind, I appreciate the time we spent together, and wish you all of the best.
Thank you all for everything you have given to me, I hope some day I can help you as much as you have helped me. This is absolutely not goodbye, so much as "come with me toward the future". I feel that leaving all that happened here behind me is the only way I can move on with what life I may make for myself from here on.
6:00 AM
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Final Entry
