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What do you understand by "I love you"?
Posted 5 days agoSerious question.
What's your interpretation when someone says they love you, not necessarily in an engaging context?
Everytime I hear that, I struggle hardly...I wonder if I can actually love or if I don't understand feelings at all.
I can't tell if it's my paranoia or my past experiences, but nowadays it feels like that anyone can just "I love you" easily, when their acts don't feel like they're actually loving you.
Am I getting something wrong here, or are people beginning to say those things just to comfort someone?
I'm aware of my disorders, but there's people that I don't feel paranoid at all. This happens in specific cases...mostly the ones where people claims to love me in a matter of days or not enough experience together (talking, knowing each other, playing games, etc).
"Loving me" as in...loving my productions? That's fine, I understand that kind of love.
But loving me in a protective way makes me actually wonder if that's actually true or not, and it sends me into a downwards spiral of thoughts I can't put into words here. It reaches the point of stopping my routine.
All of these makes me have real hard times with intimate/close friends around me.
What is "love" for you?
What's your interpretation when someone says they love you, not necessarily in an engaging context?
Everytime I hear that, I struggle hardly...I wonder if I can actually love or if I don't understand feelings at all.
I can't tell if it's my paranoia or my past experiences, but nowadays it feels like that anyone can just "I love you" easily, when their acts don't feel like they're actually loving you.
Am I getting something wrong here, or are people beginning to say those things just to comfort someone?
I'm aware of my disorders, but there's people that I don't feel paranoid at all. This happens in specific cases...mostly the ones where people claims to love me in a matter of days or not enough experience together (talking, knowing each other, playing games, etc).
"Loving me" as in...loving my productions? That's fine, I understand that kind of love.
But loving me in a protective way makes me actually wonder if that's actually true or not, and it sends me into a downwards spiral of thoughts I can't put into words here. It reaches the point of stopping my routine.
All of these makes me have real hard times with intimate/close friends around me.
What is "love" for you?
My songs in a game
Posted 2 weeks agoRecently, I posted other 2 songs I did for a project named Xeno Fighters R, both done a while ago but recently I asked for permission to share them online.
Another member of the dev team recorded a preview of the 3 songs I did so far for the game in a single video, and you can check it here! Again, the channel is not mine!
This showcases how the song goes with the stage they were made for.
To access the game and download it for free to try for yourself, click on the name of the game on this journal.
The songs aren't officially released yet, the only one that is in the game is "Dispersion", the one that plays on the Ship Select screen.
For now, that's all. :)
Another member of the dev team recorded a preview of the 3 songs I did so far for the game in a single video, and you can check it here! Again, the channel is not mine!
This showcases how the song goes with the stage they were made for.
To access the game and download it for free to try for yourself, click on the name of the game on this journal.
The songs aren't officially released yet, the only one that is in the game is "Dispersion", the one that plays on the Ship Select screen.
For now, that's all. :)
Emotional Episode
Posted 2 weeks agoSorry for my last journal here...for those who didn't see (because I deleted it), I posted a journal saying I wanted to delete my FA account.
Although being completely impulsive for being in the middle of a rough episode, it was true the thing I said about anxiety when searching for arts, and not feeling fitting here. Also mentioned how no one actually cared about my songs, which...well, this was a false think created by the demons in my head. I know some of you actually listen to them.
I am not often active here, but people still watches me and check my things...being song or arts. Deleting my account would kinda be a disrespectful thing towards them...this was another point on why I took my choice back.
I also post small videos, but unfortunatelly, FA doesn't have support for them...so in the end, I don't have much to post here...because I don't quite feel like flooding journals to post those small videos for you all...unless it's a long video where the efforts are worth posting here (for example, my cover of Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit)
I tend to post those small videos on my Twitter, so you can follow me there to check everytime I upload something small and silly.
I guess that's it for now...again, I'm sorry...these types of impulses were the biggest motivation I had to take my social medias away, I don't like to post things like these because I know some people doesn't like that... I appreciate anyone who's being patient with me.
Although being completely impulsive for being in the middle of a rough episode, it was true the thing I said about anxiety when searching for arts, and not feeling fitting here. Also mentioned how no one actually cared about my songs, which...well, this was a false think created by the demons in my head. I know some of you actually listen to them.
I am not often active here, but people still watches me and check my things...being song or arts. Deleting my account would kinda be a disrespectful thing towards them...this was another point on why I took my choice back.
I also post small videos, but unfortunatelly, FA doesn't have support for them...so in the end, I don't have much to post here...because I don't quite feel like flooding journals to post those small videos for you all...unless it's a long video where the efforts are worth posting here (for example, my cover of Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit)
I tend to post those small videos on my Twitter, so you can follow me there to check everytime I upload something small and silly.
I guess that's it for now...again, I'm sorry...these types of impulses were the biggest motivation I had to take my social medias away, I don't like to post things like these because I know some people doesn't like that... I appreciate anyone who's being patient with me.
made a tiny meme video after a while
Posted 3 months agomemes
Ivete Sangalo - Cadê Dalila (Simple Guitar Cover)
Posted 5 months agoI wish I could post a video like my previous cover here but I can't through Twitter...
And it's on Twitter because its too simple for it to be in YouTube in my opinion, even more comparing to my previous work...so here's the link
https://x.com/graughdragon/status/1.....56970184904902
And it's on Twitter because its too simple for it to be in YouTube in my opinion, even more comparing to my previous work...so here's the link
https://x.com/graughdragon/status/1.....56970184904902
Question about covers/songs
Posted 6 months agoHello everyone, today I'd like to ask something that if you read...I'd appreciate if you answered with honesty:
Would you guys have interest if I post covers like I did in the last journal?
Flowing on the same direction, I'd like to ask as well: Are you guys also interested in my songs here (in FA) ?
I'd really appreciate if you could give me these answers... I've been very slow with songs (very [very {very slow}]), but it would be nice to know if people consume my stuff here or through my YouTube/Twitter more.
Thanks in advance!
Would you guys have interest if I post covers like I did in the last journal?
Flowing on the same direction, I'd like to ask as well: Are you guys also interested in my songs here (in FA) ?
I'd really appreciate if you could give me these answers... I've been very slow with songs (very [very {very slow}]), but it would be nice to know if people consume my stuff here or through my YouTube/Twitter more.
Thanks in advance!
Limp Bizkit - Break Stuff (Cover)
Posted 6 months agoI did everything in this video, only the drums are MIDI because I can't play here (I live in an apartment)
What I do + Donations
Posted 3 years agoNot easy for me to write that, but here it goes...
Last time I did a Journal, I felt like I didn't quite explain myself and show what I do so far, and here I'll keep everything detailed, and in the end of this Journal, I'll leave stuff I did and even write about them.
Okay, first of all: I'm not in a hurry, emergency state, urgency or anything. Read further to understand.
I'm Graugh, a dragon who lives in Brazil, 25 years old, 26 is basically around the corner, and ever since I was around 14~16, I started learning things and found my passion for entertaining people and producing songs. Problem is, time goes by for everyone and I didn't have a good past, even though my mother and grandmother were always supportive to me. I have lots of triggers, lots of stuff and so on...if you read my Journal "The Truth", you know at least...part of what happened to me. I do go through depression, anxiety, panic attacks and I suspect I may be evolving some kind of Borderline as well, and this destroys my days, everyday. This makes living very difficult and whoever suffer with that, knows what I'm speaking about.
I am not able to ask for help to my family, a barrier blocks that and makes me feel way worse and I don't know the reason. My mother is extremely paranoid and as anxious as me, so I can't let her know what I go through, or else she won't let me be free. I've tried Psychologists and Psychiatrists, though I lost faith in them since none of them tried to search deep in me, try to find an answer...all I got was humiliation. You may say "but that's normal, you gotta hear those to change", but have in mind I've been having this kind of humiliation for a long time from other relatives, people and so on. Why paying for what I already heard my entire life and just made me worse? Today, I'm not able to return to them because I already feel extremely bad by that idea. Same applies to having a job. I tried having a job, 6 times...but always something was wrong, I felt desperate and that my life was in the line, that I would die at any moment, plus having a job here in Brazil sucks because everything is unnecessarily expensive, and the salary is shit. Most of the times, you need to have 2 jobs and I'm not even speaking about University or anything related to what society calls "proper future". The result of this is that I can't even step out of home for almost anything, and I've did lots of bad things to myself already in result of those fights against my disorders.
I feel useless often because I see how old I am and I can't do almost anything to at least pay properly for my stuff without asking help to my mother. She doesn't mind but I do, and I want to go further in life, but I don't want to go further without efforts and down here I'll show you everything I've been doing. I still feel panic and anxiety with those, but differently for the other stuff mentioned above, those I'm able to accomplish because I've built enough confidence for them. I started taking music comissions 9~10 years after my start with songs...I also worked as a video-editor for a while, took me almost the same amount as for music to start taking this a bit professionaly. I don't want to earn money easily, because I know what comes easily, also goes easily. Fights are necessary, though I have to be careful, or else I may do something worse and permanently to myself due to decontrol.
About Donations
You don't have to share this to your friends, pages or anything...even though it would be so kind and I'd appreciate that.
I made a Patreon where I'll make rewards starting off from 1$, so only if you are available and you support what I create/do, consider sending a 1$ donation to me to help me build up confidence and motivation to push forward. I started to create tons of barriers because I have the thought that I need to make money now, if I don't make money, I'm just wasting time and being useless. Details and stuff would result in a bigger wall-text than this, so I'm trying my best to keep things short and straightforward.
If you can't donate, don't be sad or anything. Just keep following my content and dropping feedbacks, this way I'll know you are consuming my works, which is appreciated as well. I have friends that helps me only with words and being with me when get surrounded by black clouds of negativity...I thank every friend for this, because you know who you are.
You can help me by:
Donating through PayPal
Buying my songs in Bandcamp
Listening to my songs in streaming medias by searching my artistic name "Dragonthunder", or maybe in the most used streaming media, Spotify
Subscribing in my Patreon
Subscribing in both of my primary and secondary channels in YouTube. Only if you like to watch/hear what I do.
What I do
Songs
Self-explanatory, and probably the reason of most of you guys watching me here!
Custom Arrange
"Custom Arrange" is when I remove the soundtrack of a game and I compose my own. Note it's not a remix or anything, it's completely original, 100% inspired in the current scene of the game
Dancing
Last time I did was in 2015, then my motivation got vanished and courage diminished a lot, even though I still dance to this day but with more limitations since I got more weight and lost all the energy I had back then, but I want to make videos dancing again...
Video Edits
This is a Clone Hero song of a song that is not by me. It's called "ModChart", when the background video creates illusions to make the note hitting harder...
DON'T WATCH IF YOU ARE PHOTOSENSITIVE OR HAVE EPILEPSY
Meme videos based on music
I do humor videos based in songs and such, such as Davie504, Jared Dines, TheDooo, Kmac, Bradley Hall and so on...
Completionist Livestreams
Streams where I try to 100% the games I have, those I started recently. I also love playing puzzle and other hard games. My Streams are usually a mix of English and Portuguese since I have people who watches me from both Brazil and outside.
Funny video edits
Just meme edits of moments during my gameplays...very common I know
Casual Gameplays
Those are usually in Portuguese, but I've made a special one fully in English...and full of mistakes while pronouncing words too...
Stickfigure Projects
I love Stickman figure animations, and I also started learning those back when I started learning video editting
Techno Threat
My hardest and most difficult project to make, where I mix stickfigure animations, song producing and video editting all at once, takes A LOT to make since rendering in real time is pretty slow with so much layers. I also have wrote lots of texts in Notepad to have rhythm of the whole story, because I do have one, and I want to finish this project, even though it's still far away from the end. I picked this episode instead of the last one because this has English subtitles so you can follow the story a bit better. I still need to make the translation of the last episode of it.
Covers
Song covers, where I do have more planned but...yeah...
Left 4 Metal
A mod for Left 4 Dead 2 which changes its soundtracks for new arrangements or remixes in heavy metal. This takes a lot because it demands tons of texting and tons of patience to work properly. At least people seem to be loving it since it has lots of access and good ratings in Steam's Workshop.
Guess this is all I can remember for now, because I won't mention stuff as...cleaning the apartment, taking care of 3 cockatiels and such other stuff that also demands time. And I still have to plan to get back to dancing and do exercises to recover my strength to dance again.
If you read until here, thank you from the depths of my heart. I hope I am able to entartain you guys somehow with those stuff, and I wish so much to get back in rhythm with those as well...but all of them are lacking because of the text I wrote before all the showcase.
I hope you guys understand me. And if you do consider donating 1$ to me, know that I'll feel so great for being rewarded by all the efforts I've put into all of those, because I never made any courses, all I did was learning by myself by pure interest. With help of friends and YouTube tutorials.
The Truth (+16)
Posted 4 years agoTL;DR Warning +16
You know what? I'm going to reveal EVERYTHING I can remember that brought me down.
When I was a child, around 9~10 y.o., someone already tried to be sexual with me and accomplished. Children are easy to be manipulated due to their innocence, and I was too
The guy never penetrated me, but teached me sexual stuff that brought me to a chain reaction of bad things in the future. One of them was with my cousin...and I know I pretty much fucked his life because of this, and I was only 16. This led to my family to know I did those, and..
...I'm completely embarassed to look and talk to them to this day. But hold on...it's not over. Thanks to 2 girls that abused me as well when I was only 12~14, I also got shit to have nightmares of till this day. The girls were also young like me, but they wanted to be sexual.
No penetrations again, but they spread the world that I DID penetrate them, and their mothers dropped on me and my mother, because they were 2 and I was only 1. So they believed them and 'til this day, me and my mother holds fears and traumas to trust after that...
...Not counting how embarassed I also was with that. There were also attempts where I live now. A person that used to live here brought me to his apartment and induced me to play a game were we had to strip our clothes if we lost in something I don't want to remember now.
I didn't tell my mother about that because she has serious problems of anxiety and panic. But enough of sexual stuff, it wasn't only that.
People took advantage of my kindness just for their interest many times. The ones I remember the most are:
During school, I was always the one alone that no one wanted to talk, then some guy came over and we started to talk. Since I always wanted a friend, I let him approach easily from me at the point of taking him to my home. Well...
AcidDragonGraugh
When he came, he brought a few friends of him with, and when we were at my house, one of them distracted me while the others robbed stuff from me. Mostly from my brother, that got EXTREMELLY MAD at me, words can't describe how sad I was.
There was also a friend I met during the last years before finishing college, she was just like me and we became great friends, though...she started a relationship with another friend I had, a long term friend I met lots of years before knowing her.
Well...everytime I called her to play games in my apartment, she would brought his BF to keep kissing and such with him, and leave me there with an empty look of "None of them are interested, what should I do?"
One day, I called her again to come with her BF but she didn't appear. I waited for 2 hours...anxious for them until I discovered that they WERE on my door...FOR 2 HOURS kissing and snuggling and fuck that, doesn't matter.
It was the last time I called her, I cried so much...
I've been bullied in school, in front of the whole class...I've been in a class where people were crazy. Throwing bags at each other, drugs, the WORST, FUCKING, CLASS, IN THE ENTIRE, WORLD, BELIEVE ME. And I was there because the school though it was good, because of my grades...
I've been humiliated where I live now as well. People hurting me in front of others because it was fun. People making fun of my trust on them just to look cool, like... "Yeah haha, he believed me lol" AND I WAS THERE TO HEAR. EVERY FUCKING TIME I TRIED TO HAD A FRIEND.
There was another fucking person who became my friend just to steal a game from my brother again, but this time I noticed. I called him a thief and he told his mother, then his mother came EXTREMELY MAD AT ME. I swear I thought she was going to hit me, saying...
"JUST BECAUSE HE GOT ONE FUCKING GAME WITHOUT YOU NOTICING, DOES THIS MAKE HIM A THIEF NOW??", I never forget this day.
And not even counting times I was humiliated BY TEACHERS in front of my own class, one of the times because of my appearance.
And I'm not even telling about deaths I have to come through all this time, but none of this matters, right? Death is common so no one cares about my losses.
There's so many things that happened to me, but this is already too big, and I'm not even telling Realtionship problems I had on the last decade, plus all the people that only approached me by interest in the internet that only opened up my scars of the past.
I hope this FUCKING proves to you, who likes to say "I'm too depressive", that my fight is FAR BEYOND YOUR FUCKING EMOTMIONAL KNOWLEDGE.
I congratulate every single one of you that judged me because I'm too depressive (There's many), because thanks to all of you, THIS IS WHAT I BECAME. I'M A MONSTER AND WHOEVER MET ME 10 YEARS AGO, KNOWS I'M A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON TODAY.
Enjoy the fucking story of my life, whoever expects me to suffer more. And I hope to die soon.
You know what? I'm going to reveal EVERYTHING I can remember that brought me down.
When I was a child, around 9~10 y.o., someone already tried to be sexual with me and accomplished. Children are easy to be manipulated due to their innocence, and I was too
The guy never penetrated me, but teached me sexual stuff that brought me to a chain reaction of bad things in the future. One of them was with my cousin...and I know I pretty much fucked his life because of this, and I was only 16. This led to my family to know I did those, and..
...I'm completely embarassed to look and talk to them to this day. But hold on...it's not over. Thanks to 2 girls that abused me as well when I was only 12~14, I also got shit to have nightmares of till this day. The girls were also young like me, but they wanted to be sexual.
No penetrations again, but they spread the world that I DID penetrate them, and their mothers dropped on me and my mother, because they were 2 and I was only 1. So they believed them and 'til this day, me and my mother holds fears and traumas to trust after that...
...Not counting how embarassed I also was with that. There were also attempts where I live now. A person that used to live here brought me to his apartment and induced me to play a game were we had to strip our clothes if we lost in something I don't want to remember now.
I didn't tell my mother about that because she has serious problems of anxiety and panic. But enough of sexual stuff, it wasn't only that.
People took advantage of my kindness just for their interest many times. The ones I remember the most are:
During school, I was always the one alone that no one wanted to talk, then some guy came over and we started to talk. Since I always wanted a friend, I let him approach easily from me at the point of taking him to my home. Well...
AcidDragonGraugh
When he came, he brought a few friends of him with, and when we were at my house, one of them distracted me while the others robbed stuff from me. Mostly from my brother, that got EXTREMELLY MAD at me, words can't describe how sad I was.
There was also a friend I met during the last years before finishing college, she was just like me and we became great friends, though...she started a relationship with another friend I had, a long term friend I met lots of years before knowing her.
Well...everytime I called her to play games in my apartment, she would brought his BF to keep kissing and such with him, and leave me there with an empty look of "None of them are interested, what should I do?"
One day, I called her again to come with her BF but she didn't appear. I waited for 2 hours...anxious for them until I discovered that they WERE on my door...FOR 2 HOURS kissing and snuggling and fuck that, doesn't matter.
It was the last time I called her, I cried so much...
I've been bullied in school, in front of the whole class...I've been in a class where people were crazy. Throwing bags at each other, drugs, the WORST, FUCKING, CLASS, IN THE ENTIRE, WORLD, BELIEVE ME. And I was there because the school though it was good, because of my grades...
I've been humiliated where I live now as well. People hurting me in front of others because it was fun. People making fun of my trust on them just to look cool, like... "Yeah haha, he believed me lol" AND I WAS THERE TO HEAR. EVERY FUCKING TIME I TRIED TO HAD A FRIEND.
There was another fucking person who became my friend just to steal a game from my brother again, but this time I noticed. I called him a thief and he told his mother, then his mother came EXTREMELY MAD AT ME. I swear I thought she was going to hit me, saying...
"JUST BECAUSE HE GOT ONE FUCKING GAME WITHOUT YOU NOTICING, DOES THIS MAKE HIM A THIEF NOW??", I never forget this day.
And not even counting times I was humiliated BY TEACHERS in front of my own class, one of the times because of my appearance.
And I'm not even telling about deaths I have to come through all this time, but none of this matters, right? Death is common so no one cares about my losses.
There's so many things that happened to me, but this is already too big, and I'm not even telling Realtionship problems I had on the last decade, plus all the people that only approached me by interest in the internet that only opened up my scars of the past.
I hope this FUCKING proves to you, who likes to say "I'm too depressive", that my fight is FAR BEYOND YOUR FUCKING EMOTMIONAL KNOWLEDGE.
I congratulate every single one of you that judged me because I'm too depressive (There's many), because thanks to all of you, THIS IS WHAT I BECAME. I'M A MONSTER AND WHOEVER MET ME 10 YEARS AGO, KNOWS I'M A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON TODAY.
Enjoy the fucking story of my life, whoever expects me to suffer more. And I hope to die soon.
